Day 439 - Writer's Constipation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in any and/or all of my excuses for why I am too busy to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to prioritize my actions with a more fully integrated perspective - cross referencing the bigger picture in real time, so as not to get wrapped up in the emotional moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts on a trail of blame and then move on without acknowledging how I directed that moment in myself and so my external.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand I am = how I choose to respond to the various equations that come up in life.

In realizing my choice is me, allowing a reaction of mind to direct my expression, is a choice! If I am only at best aware of my reactions, I will die in and as the mind consciousness system. I am and only will be of mind - unless, I apply myself diligently with the tools: writing, (sounding) self-forgiveness, correction practice: Live process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to live process in every moment.

I commit myself back to daily writing. (Dan, keep yourself in check; no one's going to do this for ya!)

I commit myself to practice shutting down the thought-replay backchats in my mind more quickly, moving into breath upon awareness, no longer allowing my desire for experience to justify my participation in the mind.

I commit myself to use proper time management techniques, so that I'm effectively attending to an increasing load of responsibilities.

I commit myself to get a little more stern with myself when my justifications for not making time for writing a blog post come up. I stop, I breathe. I organize my time effectively so this priority, writing, happens.

When and as I see myself slipping into blogless days, I commit myself to debunking the justification as soon as possible, and getting back to it. This process means too much, and as one of few who understands this, I have push myself to birth myself in the physical....if you know what I mean.

I still want to hide. Because I'm not fully integrated here. I'm not standing. I'm not the leading example I know I can be. WHY? Let go. Let it all go. That's why. I am holding on to the past.

- - TO BE CONTINUED - -

Day 418 - Blogging Everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my consistency with this blog because I am afraid of not being good enough in the public eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within fear-based thinking when I consider writing a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT orient to the real reasons for which this blog exists: openly shared self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought, "I don't need to blog today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process has evolved beyond blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify NOT supporting myself through posting to my daily blog, using nearly any excuse that my mind could come up with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within excuses and justifications for why I am not participating in life to my highest potential, each day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see me clearly, AND take corrective action to realign my living participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and require stimulus for me to get moving and make the decision to support myself with daily writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "I can't do this."


--

I CAN do this.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do this," I stop, I breathe. I realize that my mind is now taking the wheel to steer me down a path of self-disempowerment. I commit myself to immediately stop this thought train, investigate the nature of my resistance, and move through it into an expression of "I can do this."

When and as I see myself formulating reasons, justifications and excuses, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can be the directive decider of my living, instead of just allowing these classic mind-programs. I commit myself to waling real-time self-forgiveness on the reasons, justifications and excuses that come up in my mind for why I cannot do or be what is best for all.

When and as I see myself participating in any excuse for why I do not need to write my JTL blog, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that this blog will not write itself, and I commit myself to giving my best effort to write something everyday.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a daily post, I stop, I breathe. I realize that resistance arises from fear-based thinking, so I commit myself to exposing these fears to myself and moving through it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow fear to direct me away from writing this blog.

I commit myself to remember the purpose of this daily blog. When and if this isn't clear, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to re-investigate why I started this blog until it is clear again.

I commit myself to continue opening up dimensions related to why I may not (want to) blog every day, like laziness and other flavors of self-interest, until it is clear, and I am here, everyday.

Day 417 - Damn Daniel! Back at it again...

...with the Journey to Life blogging!

In the summer of 2013, I had the great fortune of traveling to South Africa to live on the Desteni farm for a couple of months. During that time, I felt like I no longer needed to remain consistent with my daily blog because I had proven myself (to others) and made it there (feeling accepted), which reveals that my starting point in blogging wasn't fully for me. So, I let it slide and focused myself on interacting within the physically immediate relationships, despite Bernard emphasizing to me how important it is that I keep consistent with the writing, as a primary point of visibility in my process.

In retrospect, it was kind of like my social programming that I lived out in college, prioritizing the social scene over homework. I liked being judged by my immediate character rather than the permanent, anyone-can-see writings posted online. Managing the (projected) social judgments of a few personalities was kind of my forte, a skill I'd been developing since the sixth grade, when I moved from NY to CA and had the opportunity to recreate my self-perception without the baggage of my past social faux pas.

The consequences of orienting to a socially constructed self-perception, have become more and more...consequential. Building this inauthentic self-confidence, doomed to crack and crumble, was an uphill battle. Yeah, maybe I learned a few useful coping skills, like how to be "cool" in a small/dynamic social scene, but the real shit going on under the surface: low self worth, low self-esteem, fears of rejection and not being accepted by others - never went away. In fact, it only got worse, taking on new forms and intensities.

For example, my blogging tapered off because I couldn't so easily manage the perceptions of others. Posting publicly like this ultimately demands authenticity, which is totally cool because I still hardly know the authentic me! Another example: My agreement relationship demands that I reorient to my authentic self, because the facade-self only holds up for so long before breaking down.

Thus,

the Desteni "I" Process.

Which includes actively applying the tools of self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and real-time self correction.

So, here I am, restating my starting point: I'm not interested in applying my efforts to maintain a crumbling self-conception, especially not when I'm surrounded by all the right information and support (thanks everyone). It's time to finally let it go and start getting to know who the real "I" is.

I don't have the white Vans, and I don't care. I commit myself to letting go of the importance of how others may or may not perceive me. I am cool in my own right, and I'm going to prove that to myself by giving myself the chance to really get to know me. Much to uncover in future postings.

Desteni.org | DesteniIprocess.com | EQAFE.com | wiki.destonians.com

Day 380 - Careful Self-Branding and Personality Portrayal

Yesterday, I blogged about my starting point within blogging. Many times in the past, I have found myself writing to please you, the reader, instead of using this space appropriately for my individual process of self-supportive writing and investigation. The 'sharing it publicly' factor should only weigh in afterwards in the form of editing typos and clarifying what doesn't even makes sense to me.

The possibility of your negative judgment of my writing was the main backchat within my initial resistance toward starting this blog. Why? Because I wanted to make sure that when I started publicly expressing myself and producing content, that I did so in a strategic way to gain approval and influence on the interweb. I was so worried about carefully shaping my content, that I resisted and delayed producing anything. Even still I struggle with pushing myself to publish video logs because I am still justifying this point of needing to make a certain impression, especially because the video medium allows for higher visibility, transparency and is easier to consume.

I also experienced a high level of frustration yesterday when I had not successfully saved my new self summary on my LinkedIn profile. I had written it with extraneous care, considering how every sentence fragment could shape how readers perceive me. Funny enough, I was writing it simultaneously as I was working on yesterday's post, so the point eventually became obvious how I was writing within ego; however, I continued justifying that I need to carefully and consciously shape how others saw me, especially in the harsh world of business professionals. So, when I lost my self summary and had to rewrite it again, I was constantly reminded of how great I thought it sounded, how perfect it was, how I can never get it back exactly as it was. I recognized my intense reactive state and I wrote about it in my computer journal. I had let the point go for the night, and came back at it with a fresh brain today. I wrote it this time with a more carefree, 'give it my best' attitude, remembering that I can always change it again.

It is now time to walk the self-forgiveness on this point more thoroughly within the dimension of being paranoid about others are judging my online presence. In upcoming blog posts, I'll get more into the paranoia surrounding my perception of how others judge my offline presence, which is a biggie.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firstly consider how other people may perceive and judge my online writing, not realizing that these judgmental people are actually in my head within a subconscious layer of my mind, and thus an extension of myself. Therefore, I am only really judging myself when I limit my expression in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to careful impression management creations as my written self summary on LinkedIn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I lost my carefully crafted facade of myself as my written online identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach frustration to loss, not realizing the truth that I can never lose my authentic self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is imperative that I manage how others may or might perceive my character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the characters that I create and (attempt to) portray.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure when I do not successfully portray a specific character to invoke a specific, positive response in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is not a character, and that the characters I present are simply either effective or ineffective. In this, I now see realize and understand that an ineffective character only requires to be adjusted, and that failing to invoke the desired response in others is not something to be taken personally. I am not the personality that I present. Who I am is life, as an expression of what is best for all. And I commit myself to continue this journey towards unhindered self-expression within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect success with positive responses/judgement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-definition with the character or public representation of myself in a particular situation that requires a certain personality suit.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will make many mistakes when consciously representing myself in a particular way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make these mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making mistakes to my self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes in how I represent or express myself, not realizing that this fear is rooted in the belief that I am the personality that I create and live through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, not realizing that this fear is holding me back from effective, authentic self-expression.


When and as I see myself fearing that I will not effectively portray myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that the way I present myself is not directly linked to who I am, and thus, I commit myself to stop taking it personally within judgments, manifested or subconsciously projected.

When and as I see myself projecting subconscious self-judgments in the form of personalities/voices in my head, I stop I breathe. I realize that writing from a starting point of validated projected judgments severely limits my capacity to authentically express myself. I commit myself to stop the internal self-judgment backchat in the moment that I become aware of it, take a deep in-breath, hold it for a few seconds, stabilize myself back into my physical, breath out and express myself authentically in whatever situation.

When and as I see myself justifying an elaborate process of impression management while writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can always edit and make adjustments to my writing to portray myself more effectively after I've expressed myself unencumbered by voices in my head. I commit myself to first write for myself in getting my main point out, before I criticize and edit my writing.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake when presenting myself a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to make edits and test out another way of presenting myself in my writing. This process can be repeated until I am satisfied. When in a real life interaction, I commit myself to accept when I make a mistake, let it go, and transition my expression back to the here-now moment and direct the interaction accordingly within common sense. I commit myself to not fear making mistakes. I commit myself to flag point whenever I see that I fear making a mistake, to further investigate the point.

When and as I see myself identifying with my mistakes, I stop, I breathe. I realize that who I am is not directly represented by the portrayal of a particular character or personality that I have created (consciously or not); though within this, I realize my responsibility for my physical participation, as actions and words, regardless of personality suit. I commit myself to remain emotionally detached from my mistakes, and instead, utilize them to make changes and improvements.

When and as I see myself reacting to positive feedback/judgement by taking it personally, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this reaction indicates an ego-oriented perspective, that charges this mind construct and substantiates both the positive and the negative within my disillusioned perception of judgment. I commit myself to breathe, be here, and express myself for the sake of self-expression and value creation in this world. Any feedback from others does not define who I am. No matter how much they assert and believe they're judgment is correct, I know confidently that who I am is determined in my starting point of my expression.

I commit myself to continue practicing self/character expression through words until there is no interference from the voices in my head. I commit myself to stop the self-judgment system. I commit myself to express freely within what is best for all.

wikimedia photo

Day 379 - Why Do I Blog?

I'm an investigator of the Self. I am not pretending to know what the Self is. My purpose for writing here is to find out, while simultaneously sharing with you. This process of self-discovery through writing investigation is a bit awkward at first because I've been trained in school to write with a certain voice. I see myself often still writing while thinking about how others might think about my self-expression through words. This is continuing to feed the flame of my ego. Alternatively, I write with SELF as the starting point of reference.

"Who am I within this topic?" is the starting point from which I must align my writing. Why? Because this is authentically self-support. No lies, agendas, deceit, or framing that is meant to pull a 'quick one' on you. So if you're reading this with an active mind chatter, looking for the holes in my story to discredit my entire person, you may just find it. My goal from now on is to double and triple check my starting point within my writing so that I can be sure that I am considering myself first within supporting myself through my self-expression. Lucky for you, you can read about it. It's best this way because it would be more selfish to hoard my self-investigation in some random folder on my computer.

Join me in an alignment process of SELF-forgiveness and commitment statements, and in future blogs I will continue to consciously practice this point until it is stable.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a need to write with a certain style so that I could please my readers, and in this not see, realize, or understand how I'm compromising my process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when and as I am writing for others instead of for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others matter more in this process, and in that place my self-importance in the background.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "others must hear this message and understand it and apply it, and if I can just get 2 or more people to see, realize, understand, and apply themselves within this journey to life, then I don't have to."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand front and center in my own process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face this point directly to see how I am compromising myself by writing within ego (desire for + attention / fear of - attention), and take responsibility for this point by stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I'm only just a breath away from realigning my starting point when and as I see myself writing within ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my ego-stance within writing by claiming that others need to hear, and others will only listen if I write to and for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in thinking that others can do it better, wherein I am abdicating taking responsibility for myself to be effective and clear within this process for myself as well as others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe I already understand a point that I've been exposed to and thus believe that I do not need to walk the point through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see or distinguish when I am existing within knowledge/information only in relation to a single point, OR when I have completely understood and defined who I am in relation to a single point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to push through this resistance of releasing old habits/perceptions and defining new ones. This process will be lengthy, as I have already heavily defined 'who I am' in relation to this world and everyone in it. This egocentric 'who I am' now needs to be released and redefined within awareness. I create.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take ownership over 'who I am' as who I have created myself to be.


I commit myself to now take full responsibility for myself as 'who I am' as who I have become, and in the creation process of who I am to become.

When and as I see myself wanting to write in a way so that I am liked by others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in ego, overly concerned about how others will perceive my writing. I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into a stability in my physical body, and continue writing for myself.

I know I have mentioned this point before multiple times, and I have yet to become stable within it. This indicates that there are more dimensions of it to discover.

I commit myself to continue to my investigation on this one specific point of ego-based writing.

I commit myself to continue pushing through any resistance toward facing this point and redefining it.

When and as I see myself in an energetic resistance toward finishing a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is only an energy experience that exists in the moments before physical application. I commit myself to the process of recognizing resistance energy for what it is, pushing through it, and applying myself effectively within a fresh starting point rooted in a breath.

When and as I see myself writing to be perceived or recognized positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that this starting point is not self-supportive. I commit myself to really check myself and see if I am writing in a voice that is special tailored in consideration of the reader before I consider myself within my writing.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not good enough to stand and lead this process for myself and other, I stop, I breathe. I realize that if I don't stand, how can I trust anyone else to? I commit myself to giving 100% of my effort in understanding who I have become and redirecting who I am to be. I commit myself to stabilizing myself within a clear starting point of blogging and behaving within Self-Support so that I may support others effectively and enjoy my life!

More on this to come...until it is done.

picture credit

Day 347 - Disjointed Daily Blogging

Ok, I breathe, and I write here.

I'm now walking through this specific point of resisting writing: I have one idea of what I had been intending to write, and then the moment passes, new stuff comes up, and I want to write about the new point, but the looming previous writing topic is saying, "No Dan, write about me first! You said you would." Haha.

And so what do I do? I get frustrated that I won't let myself write about the new point, and then I also build more resistance to the original point because I blame it for preventing me to write about what I want to write about. Oh my goodness, I am going to now disentangle this.

Red Panda ..? Interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional charge toward my daily blogging when and as I get backed up.

It's a build up of points. I'm holding on to the original point for reasons I didn't specify for myself. Now, I'm speaking in general for all the times that I delay the writing. So this frustration is a consequence of not being consistent with my writing here.

What else adds to my backchat when faced with writing in my Journey to Life blog? Today I witnessed myself thinking that I am out of condition and that my writing will suck. It's as if I had never really transcended this writing self-doubt point, that I had just constructed a work around...When I first started blogging, I recall saying to myself, "whatever, I'll just push myself to do it, and then I just [automatically] get better at writing over time." So I kind of never really addressed this writing/communication doubt that I have; I only circumvented it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have been moving through resistances too quickly, in that I'm not actually considering everything that's behind and that composes the personality patterns that I live. Within this realization, I commit myself to slow down, investigate fully the nature of why I do and say things outside of the best for all parameter. It's these moments that I now choose to give myself the time to look at slowly, in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking too long with one point. Within this, I now realize that not wanting to take too long with one point is not only why I've been prone to rushing though process, but it's also a starting point source for the frustration I feel when I do take too long with a point. I commit myself to not quickly label general observations about myself, such as "So this frustration is a consequence of not being consistent with my writing here" as I wrote just a moment ago, but to instead constantly release my perspective to dive deeper and investigate the reality of myself at a level where self-honesty can actually be applied.

Slow down, figure out what works. When the solution isn't here, slow down, figure out what works. If I focus on the problem, I am likely using a narrow context and missing crucial factors that would assist me in reaching the solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move to quickly through my daily living. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify that moving faster is better, and in this not consider the point of being thorough and here in every breath.

When and as I see myself not wanting to write my daily blog, I stop I breathe. I ask myself, "why?" I write. I get to the bottom of the resistance, and I stop the pattern. I commit myself to restructuring my behavioral patterns on a deeper level where I can be self-honest about what I've been doing and why.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will not write well. I commit myself to giving myself the space to write a daily blog even if it's not perfect, neat and easily read by you. I commit myself to realizing that it actually doesn't take that much time when I sit down and write. I commit myself to breathe and move myself to write daily again.