Day 439 - Writer's Constipation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in any and/or all of my excuses for why I am too busy to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to prioritize my actions with a more fully integrated perspective - cross referencing the bigger picture in real time, so as not to get wrapped up in the emotional moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts on a trail of blame and then move on without acknowledging how I directed that moment in myself and so my external.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand I am = how I choose to respond to the various equations that come up in life.

In realizing my choice is me, allowing a reaction of mind to direct my expression, is a choice! If I am only at best aware of my reactions, I will die in and as the mind consciousness system. I am and only will be of mind - unless, I apply myself diligently with the tools: writing, (sounding) self-forgiveness, correction practice: Live process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to live process in every moment.

I commit myself back to daily writing. (Dan, keep yourself in check; no one's going to do this for ya!)

I commit myself to practice shutting down the thought-replay backchats in my mind more quickly, moving into breath upon awareness, no longer allowing my desire for experience to justify my participation in the mind.

I commit myself to use proper time management techniques, so that I'm effectively attending to an increasing load of responsibilities.

I commit myself to get a little more stern with myself when my justifications for not making time for writing a blog post come up. I stop, I breathe. I organize my time effectively so this priority, writing, happens.

When and as I see myself slipping into blogless days, I commit myself to debunking the justification as soon as possible, and getting back to it. This process means too much, and as one of few who understands this, I have push myself to birth myself in the physical....if you know what I mean.

I still want to hide. Because I'm not fully integrated here. I'm not standing. I'm not the leading example I know I can be. WHY? Let go. Let it all go. That's why. I am holding on to the past.

- - TO BE CONTINUED - -

Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

- -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.

Day 396 - Why Do I Make Rushed Decisions?

I have a propensity to want to take the fast route, and this is because I've trained myself over the years to do so based on obtaining desires and avoiding fears, namely Self-interest. This training of myself was a process of automating my decisions, so I wouldn't have to put in the effort of discernment when a similar situation arose in the future.

That's a really important insight. congruent

Now recognizing that this decision automation phenomenon works based on the assumption that similar situations that may or may not happen in the future are essentially, exactly the same. Sometimes the past and future situations may be so overwhelmingly similar that we confidently label them "the same," but this experience would primarily serve to reinforce/solidify the misconception that "similar = same." I'd like to propose that this may even be the source of all conflict in the world.

Solution: Slow down the decision processes to nearly the speed of initial learning/integration, allowing us the space and time to bring multiple dimensions into consideration. To have a clean slate going into a decision process, versus utilizing my brain's preprogrammed decisions that really only function according to one or a few dimensions at most. Therefore, creating new mind-programs for the sake of easy decision making in the future is really an obsolete use of the mind. It follows that I can no longer run from the "effort of discernment." I must embrace it.

For as I apply myself more and more in this moment to moment decision making, the process itself will become easier as would anything that is practiced. As the saying goes, 10,000 hours of decision making within here-moments of comprehensive consideration, and I'll be a master decider! :)

I conclude that trying to avoid the "effort of discernment" only perpetuates, if not strengthens, the perception of difficulty within making decisions without preconceptions. I now commit myself to practice making more real-time, moment to moment decisions.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've automated most of my decision making processes based on what best served me, as a mind, within my past experiences.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and trust that I am "knowing" because I've had multiple accounts of success while applying my self-pre-programmed decision processes throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the value of putting forth a fresh, unbiased perspective when facing a moment of deciding something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as a central, subconscious justification for collecting knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to circumvent the effort of discernment by accumulating enough knowledge and information that I can trust will guide me through life successfully by allowing (old) knowledge and information to, in essence, make my decisions for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge and information through attempting to collect, gather and store as much potentially-some-day relevant information as I can to free myself from the responsibility and consequences of making decisions myself.

Wooooooooooooo. That's a doozy. *Breathes in*

*Breathes out*

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superiorize my self-concept based on the amount and quality of the knowledge and information that I possess, quality being determined by the number of experiences of success and being 'right' when employing it.

I believe that it is I who is right, when clearly it was the information that was correct. And practically by luck of the draw, my opinion aligned with fact, and my ego soaks that moment up to create myself within the Arrogant Character. What's really interesting is how the decision to apply past information was really me. The decision was actually made by me, as the mind, as the knowledge and information itself. Goes to show why I would fight tooth and nail to prove I am right...Because I believe that I am the mind/information.

Wow, perception is powerful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the information that I've gathered throughout my life experience.

And, I forgive myself for not accepted and allowing myself to realize how I've created and allowed my mind to automate my decisions and guide me through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue protecting and defending myself as the mind, as information, and I now commit myself to reconsider everything.

I commit myself to flag-point my quick decisions to serve as a reminder that I may be in energy and of mind within the decision. Action plan: Check-in with self, and assess the starting point of the decision. If there is any memory, belief system or a dated mental construct, SLOW DOWN. Strive to bring more into consideration than what feels natural. Breathe.

I realize that decision making will become easier again. Understanding Self-honesty conceptually is a whole other thing from applying/living it. My self-interested, automated and pre-programed decision making within my mind consciousness system needs to be debugged. I have to recode and restructure how I make decisions...one decision at a time.

More on this to come!



Notes for further expansions:
- Impatience Character
- Trust in pre-existing knowledge
- Resisting responsibility
- Opinion as self-defining
- Parkour Philosophy
- Ego-death resistances

Day 372 - Expanding on My Automated Lifestyle

Going with the theme of my last two posts:
Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

I'm noticing more and more ways that I have subscribed to lifestyles that I don't necessarily want to have anymore. The nail biting opened this point up, where I became aware of myself biting my thumb nail, I stopped and I saw myself choose to continue biting while I distracted myself in a mental analysis of this act, and finally saw the consequential outflow of that choice being automatically repeated on a subconscious level. The general concept here being that the choices we make are stored and executed in future scenarios when applicable.

What's wrong with this? Oh, I'll tell you whats wrong with it! Mainly, it's the perpetuation of the past. The choices I made minutes to years ago may not necessarily be the same choice that I would make in the present moment. New information comes to light. It would be commonsense to adapt one's perspective to meet the most currant criteria, right? And I'm sure that some people are really good at doing this.

But what happens when...oh let's say you come across this online community going by the name of Desteni, and they proclaim that all is one and equal, which practically boils down to doing what is best for all. This destiny shattering perspective implies that one must now shift the starting point of the creation of one's automated lifestyle choices from self-interest to best-for-all-interest. I've been trying to just stop biting my nails for about 6 years.

The obvious point here is that this kind of self-transformation will take a long time. Rumor has it that if I take this process seriously, and everyday, every moment, every breath I apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application; in 7 years time I will have disintegrated enough of my consciousness programming to see as life. We're all just organic robots with this elaborate mind consciousness system telling us what to thinks, see, hear, and do. Life awareness is tremendously suppressed.

I imagine this life awareness embodied living to be much like freedom from automated lifestyles. There is only a breath and a commonsense action. Not even thinking is required, as the best for all answer is already here as self's instantaneous expression. Aware of every breath. The physical reality is the only reality that  is valid. Supporting other organic robots will be no different than how I supported myself throughout this long journey to life.

But here, it is important to note that creating a future projection of what it might be like to have finished my individual process is not something to get attached to, as that would perpetuate my current perspective. I see it, I let it go. I commit myself to live here in breath.

And now for the dreaded list of programs that I have running my life today. Also important to note here that a negative judgement and taking these habits personally will only prolong my process of realizing and applying the solution. I must stand as the problem and the solution simultaneously if I am to take responsibility for my past and intentionally create the best for all solution that I can practically apply in my daily living.

• Sleeping in, or napping from a mental tiredness - induced when facing resistance; rather than physically induced tiredness.
• Eating for pleasure (i.e. sweets) and eating as a way to delay facing resistance.
• Shopping to get a good deal - allowing those who study the psychology of consumerism manipulate me into buying things I don't really need or even want, oddly enough.
• Watching mini-marathons of TV episodes - allowing the hook at the end to pull me in to another hour that I wasn't really planning to kill.
• Exercise, doing it to achieve a value in appearance/ego, rather than simply keeping my physical body in healthy, self-supportive condition.
• Working for an ego desire to be seen positively by others, rather than working to create a systems that support what is best for all on all levels: personal, interpersonal, & universal.

There are most certainly more programs that I must face. This is just to give an idea of what I am still accepting and allowing at Day 372.

The only choice that remains: Am I going to be self-honest, see the bigger picture and take responsibility to manifest my fullest potential, or am I just going to go with the flow and allow my past to create my future?

...Perhaps realizing your fullest potential isn't going to happen automatically.
lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 357 - The Decision to Decide

A very cool point to consider is who we are when making decisions. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: "Where am I in this decision process?" Whatever language you use to see yourself in the moment of making a decision, the important part is to really consider all the motivating factors. Writing can help to slow things down and open up the space for more clarity in this process. When I don't write out my internal process for making an important decision, I notice I am more susceptible to just go with whatever I feel in that moment without considering all the relevant points.

It's those darn feelings that just come up. They're not typically based in common sense, and it's even less likely that we would realize this simply because we don't consider the common sense when we're just quickly going by our gut feelings. We make many, many, many decisions all day, every day. It would make sense to automate the decision process because then our cognition would be less tasked, and that's what we do. The framework for how we have automated our many daily choices is based on the many memories we have stored where our decisions have resulted in a scenario that is has some positive value for self.

Really consider that for a moment. We've spent our whole lives programming our minds to make decisions for us, based in self-interest as what produces the most favorable outcome for me. Maybe we will occasionally consider a few others in an immediate environment, or perhaps even the world, but if we are self-honest about why we are making that decision, we will commonly find a thread that connects our self-interest within that decision. An example, vacuuming the common area so my roommates will like me/not hate me. This action is even benevolently aligned, but my starting point within it was based in self-interested backchat, a subtle form of manipulation even.

So now imagine having to deconstruct this decision framework and rebuild it with intention. The self-interested decision framework that we've been building for our whole lives, happened pretty much automatically, and why question it? Automated as it may seem, I can remember moments where I created, accepted and allowed a new decision parameter because I benefited from it...NOT because I considered all things and chose what is BEST. My benefit could be as simple as feeling good after eating a whole bag of candy or wasting the whole day playing an exciting video game.

HERE

I must realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make.
I must practice and develop my awareness of who I am while making decisions.
I must answer to every question I ask myself with a thorough consideration of all relevant points.

Draw out a map of consequences if that's what it takes. If I delay my writing my blog until the night, I may end up not doing a blog at all because other things will come up, even excuses like "oh, I just don't feel up to writing right now."

My core point of this is to move self through making decisions. If I'm indecisive, sit down and write. Taking the time to consider what is best for all before making a physically lived decision, is the key here. If I don't decide to decide, I could let life slip right by me while my automated decision frameworks controls every aspect of my (regretful) existence. This relationship to decision making needs to be clear and direct. I will no longer stand by and watch my life play out according to some outdated mind program I created back when. This is a new moment, a new breath, and I commit myself to decide who I am within my decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on how I am best able to get a positive reaction from others so that I will be liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked through the external validation of how others respond to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to how others respond to me, never realizing that I am the one that is actually deciding who I am within each and every decision that I make. For example, I decide to allow my roommates to determine if I'm socially accepted. Through this, I take responsibility for this point of allowing others to tell me who I am, and I correct my self-definition through the process of determining for myself, what I accept and allow myself as.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand who I am within making decisions, and within that, not seeing all the relevant criteria that I should really consider when making any particular decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow and not question my decision process from a self-aware perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the results of my decisions because I didn't want to see my responsibility within that circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear making a decision...

...And this can be opened up quite a lot. To be continued.

photo credit

Day 293 - Externally Induced Distractions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my inner drive to be productive.

cc flickr

Through back to back distractions, I have robbed myself of this whole day. At times, I would blame others when they wanted to share time watching a movie or a television show, but interestingly, as soon as I had my full volitional control back, I would continue to participate in distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate as is, in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of externally induced distractions to project blame and hide my self-responsibility to come to a living agreement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day unplanned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the moments of choice when I turn away from my work and responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame.

See, the point of all this forgiveness is to really just say sorry to myself, acknowledge what I've been accepting and allowing, take responsibility to change that relationship/point within my beingness, and live self-direction, live self-will, live my intention to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of self-responsibility for myself in EVERY moment, where even when I decide to take the less responsible way, TO NOT HIDE IT from myself or PRETEND that it's nothing, or that it's "OKAY" to just stay focused on the distraction.

--

When and as I see myself distracting myself from being self-honest while participating in a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this breath is a new moment where I face myself and choose how and what I accept and allow. I commit myself to realizing the power of breath as a moment of choice between self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to investigating my attachments to whatever consistently yields a choice-relationship of compromising my self-honesty.

When and as I see myself projecting blame within frustration, I stop I breathe. I realize I am within an ego design of abdicating my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to realizing that I am actually frustrated with myself and within this realization, move myself into acting responsibility for myself in the current situation.

I commit myself to bringing blame back to self and living self-honesty as best I can, progressively.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to my self and all in creating a world that is best for all.

Shout out for ELF!!
Contributing to the solution is to become the living solution.

Day 206 - Freedom Forgiveness & Exploration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom to act how ever I choose in any moment, and thus have created resistance toward decisions that might compromise my ability to act freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of losing control of a situation be it because of forceful consequence or creating discord between self and other(s). This is a huge point that I need to further unpack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to address such a large point as this, not realizing that I can give myself as much time as I need to sort myself out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and race through process from a point of comparison.

Okay. With regard to the 2nd SF statement, why would I lose control of my free will in any given situation? 1. Given: homework, Answer: disconnect between choice and desire through time
2. Given: in a group of peers (playing soccer), Answer: Don't want to let them down / inconvenience them
3. Given: Relationship, Answer: Fear of leaving bad impression

Well, I've sure opened up a lot with just this! Workin' it through:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past choices from my present choices. In this, I see the disconnect occurs because of energy fluctuations: either because the past choice was unstable/energy based, or my present choice is unstable, energy based. So, in the case of doing homework, I defined my choice to go to college separate from myself as breath. I went to college because "that's the standard society expects of me" and "to have a good time (socially)." I can see here my past choice was not for me, but externalized. Also, my procrastination was justified by 2nd intention which was for me (to have fun). Cool. Opening up. Expanding.

For the second and third scenario, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require positive validation/judgement from others to define who I am. This in a deeply ingrained fallacy. I believe most humans have this condition because we are taught in school of the concept: looking glass self (see image #1).  One of the primary components of this concept is, "We develop our self through the judgments of others." (Yeung, et al. 2003). This is not our true self as breathing life. This is our mentally reflected self. So the concept is right, the definition of self is where everything gets messy, especially since Desteni message popped up on the internet.

image #1 (from wikipedia)

Now, I see a connection between all of these above scenarios. Loss of control happens when I am already out of control. That disconnect between my past choice and present choice is not consistently congruent because I was never stable within my choices. The choice was fluctuating based on energy and self-interest. Much like "wanting to have it all," I hadn't realized that I am my past AND present choices, not taking responsibility for all of me. Bam!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to evade the inevitable self-responsibility and accountability of my past/present choices. I now realize that this is a major component of delay/procrastination. Riding the tides of self-interested energy is not practical in reality, and this is how things get out of control. We are out of control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all of me, all of my decisions; past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is me who has been robbing my freedom.
--
When and as I see myself making a choice that is accompanied by a self-interested, energy fluctuation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all my decisions throughout and across time. I commit myself to writing about when I have not taken the time to consider the consequences of my decisions, for in these moments I can discover the egoist program that moves with energy , delete it, and make room for the best for all choices.

Note: I just took a writing break and was amazed at how much/often I am moved by self-interest energy. I practically commit myself to at least acknowledging them, and I realize that only through writing can I decipher an event, find what are the motivating energies, and release the pattern through self-forgiveness and precise commitments. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the commitment statements seriously, as they are to be a new, written law of self. To be lived practically, in stability. Breath is the point of stability that connects past, present and future.

When and as I see myself resisting the writing of commitment statements because am unsure of my ability to uphold them, I stop I breathe. I realize that the only reason I would do such a thing is because I am not living my words, my words are not purified, rather based in energy. I commit myself to exploring the resistance toward making real commitment statements, and to stop creating energetic/unstable commitments to myself. Perhaps this issue may also pertain to being too general.

When and as I see myself out of alignment with a past decision, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can explore my past decision. I commit myself to giving myself the freedom to create a new starting point within a choice that may have once only considered what was best for me.

When and as I see myself experiencing an energetic low of consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a prime moment of self-investigation. I commit myself to writing about my experience and asking myself: how did I get myself into this situation? What decisions did I make? And why did I make those decisions? After these questions are answered, I commit myself to a steadfast process of releasing the patterns that lead to the unfavorable consequence through self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself (becoming) overwhelmed because of a large point that I have opened up, I stop I breathe. I realize that "the only way to eat an elephant, is one bite at a time." I commit myself to pacing myself within my own process. I commit myself to stop trying to race to the finish of process. Lao Tzu once said (probably in another language): "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." So, like this, I would like to calmly pursue purity of self. To be investigated.

When and as I see myself avoiding or resisting a choice that will limit my sense of freedom, I stop I breathe. I realize that making a decision is not to be taken lightly when the consequences are drastic. I also realize that making decisions based on an idealized energy is an act of irresponsibility within/toward self. I commit myself to becoming evermore responsible within my decision process.

There are many, many decisions made everyday. Will I stand up and vote for what's best for all? Will I accept less within myself? I commit myself to questioning my behaviors/choices that are not in alignment with what's best for all, so that I may see where and how self compromise exists, expose the pattern and walk process accordingly...patiently. There's no where else to go. Give me the time to really see me. Ahh, what a nice gift.

Day 199 - Exploring Indecisiveness

I have had trouble making decisions for a long time, so I can safely say this is a large point that I can't get out thoroughly in one post. I've spent a lot of time these first < 200 days opening up points, and not really sticking to one and walking it through to completion. I aim to become more specific and focused in the coming days, but for now, I continue to expand on what I've found with my initial investigation of indecision.

First things to mind are a fear of the future / making the wrong choice / making less than the best choice for myself. In this I discovered that I have always been primarily considering what is best for me. Anything that ultimately served my self-interest was how I made decisions.

Couple that with doubt / fear of making the wrong decision, and we have indecisiveness. The way I've framed it is a step backward into uncertainty from the perspective that my choice is already made: that which best serves me as a mind consciousness system organic robot human.

So, when I discovered Desteni just over 3 years ago, I went into existential shock and started to fit in the concept of acting in the interest of what's best for all. Had I not been all into spirituality and reading a book called Oneness by Rasha, I probably would have more readily rejected the Desteni message. Anyway, in this transference process of self-honest, self-investigation, I'm finding a lot of crap that I never wanted to ever take responsibility for. Thanks to me as life, I am here, walking out of my mind through breathing and this writing process.

What I have deduced from this little exploration: Indecision can be used as a flag point for self-interest. Best for all decisions are common sense and could be termed "the responsible thing to do." And indecision and mind chatter is likely me fearing that I can't figure out what is the best choice for me.

Interesting. I just ran this through testing: Sit here and write this post vs. Watch a TV show called Touch with my parents. I find that the internal debate is only in mind as thoughts accompanied by feelings. I would like to go watch television and allow myself to relax and enjoy a nice, easily-consumed story. What is best for all is me facing me. I chose to delay again, and I suffer the same consequence of having to miss out on whatever. There is also a distinguishable flow to writing that happens in contrast of the choppy indecisiveness, but I'm not ready to explore this point yet. <- Doubt that I should have ever written that. Almost deleted. It stays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into a mental chatter about should I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the 'wrong' decision as defined by what is not best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can make a wrong decision. There is only the choice of self-honesty in every moment. Do I try to deceive myself within this, or do I do the common sense option.
--
When and as I see myself trying to mentally figure out what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am either trying to justify self-compromise, or I am choosing to support what is best for me as an equal as life. I commit myself to further investigating indecision in the context of when it arrives, and to breathe some common sense into all my future decisions.