Day 404 - The Nice Smelling Janitor Lady

Heavenly.

This mysterious lady of few words has walked into my hospital room twice now since starting this 14-day iPad study. She silently allows the trash bags and roll of toilet paper in her hands communicate her purpose for entering my suite. Is she attractive? Yes, but I have only seen half of her face at most. She very much keeps to herself as she conducts her business, but when I say "thank you," she does grace me with a soft "your welcome" as she walks out the door.

After she left the room, I sat down to continue my Sudoku puzzle and was blessed with the most intoxicating, delightful scent that has ever entered my nose. I immediately recalled how much I enjoyed it the first time she dropped in for a brief visit. At this point, I was just sitting there smelling the air as much as I could, hoping it would stick around as long as possible. Phase 2: enter mind. I had been swept into a positive reaction that took me out of this world.

My mind fluttered to what I could/should say to her next time she comes. I wanted to compliment her, so I was trying various phrases and expressions in my mind to find what would have the best impact on her. After about 5 minutes of this hypnotically induced mind state, I realized that was in self-interest. for a moment, I tried to distort my intentions to fit the best for all framework with something along the lines of, "your perfume is very nice, but you don't need it because your already very pretty," but I eventually realized that everything I thought about saying to her about her smell was inescapably self-interested. I had gone into a reaction and my starting point was not clear.

I originally just thought I wanted to brighten her day. Then I realized that I wanted to reinforce and support her decision to use this particular perfume. Then I looked at myself, and began to realize what my motivation for saying something to her really was. I wanted to share a positive moment with this stranger to brighten MY day. A few moments later, I dug deeper and found what I really wanted. Gulp. I hesitate to share it with you now. (Oh and by the way, this whole process of moving through these realizations happened on a piece of scratch paper that I had been using to investigate some other points... just to be clear that this unfolding of realizations didn't just happen in the tides of my mind.) What I really wanted, on a deeper level that I couldn't at all see from that initial level of interpretating my motivation, was that I wanted a full look at her face, frontal view. I wanted to collect a picture memory that I could store and use to contribute to the Ideal Girl collage that I've been imprinting into my mind my whole life.

I was shocked. I couldn't believe my own self-honesty! But here I am. Finding this point had such a strong impact on me that I decided to share it here. Now, I'm in a committed relationship, but I have to be honest with myself: All my sex drive programming didn't just disappear! And I've never written about sexual attraction in relation to smell before. It hit me like Wham! So, my pencil hit the paper like Slam! ;)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to rewire my self-interest to fit inside of acceptable "best for all" parameters - and in this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self-interested starting point was influencing my investigation of what would be best for all in this circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the principle of doing what is best for all as a potential tool for preserving and justifying my self-interested ventures of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in a positive experience within my mind after smelling this glorious scent.

I forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I am affected by pleasant smells within and through an unnecessary participation in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this pleasant smell, into a desire reaction, narrowly perceived through my ego's interest, instead of remaining stable within awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly continue to go into my mind when a positive experience is involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unwilling to let go of that which I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is harmless to indulge in a positive experience, and therefore justified, and so NOT flagged for investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless when it comes to desires and urges arising out of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a female possesses one or more traits that I find appealing, shift myself into my mind within a delusional starting-point fantasy of potential sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the breath awareness tool that I can use to ground myself in my body, and support myself to interact with anyone and everyone as equals.

When and as I see or smell a sexy female, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the reaction of going into my mind is not aligned into what is best for all. It is aligned with self-interest and also many variations of fear. I commit myself to using my breath to get into my flesh and bones, and realize that this person is also flesh and bones, no different from me for all intents and purposes.

I commit myself to making a clear and decisive movement within myself to stop myself from going into my mind and automatically shifting my behavior around attractive strangers.

I commit myself to flagging my reactions to attractive strangers for further investigation, so that I may remain stable in similar future interactions.

When and as I see myself trying to mold my self-interest initiatives into a framework of what is best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that my starting point is of self-interest, and I must first clear that before I can look objectively at what is best for all.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping myself when I see myself TRYING use the best for all equation to preserve and hold onto my self interest.

When and as I see myself trying to preserve my self interests through mental gymnastics, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my self-interests. I realize that these narrow-view initiatives are not creating what is best for all, and I can no longer trust that my mind knows what I really want. I understand that I must stop and remove my impulsive, fear/desire constructs, to consider the bigger picture BEFORE I can act in the interest of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself moving into a desire for a positive experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this shift into the mind is limiting my perspective and ultimately my power to create what is best for all. I commit myself to constantly recognizing my responsibility to embody my potential and do what is best for all life, to the best of my capacity.

When and as I see myself floating off into my mind in a social situation, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back to the present moment that I'm presently sharing with one or more other individuals. I commit myself to remaining here in all of my social interactions, treating others as I would treat myself, with respect, with dignity. Treating others as the flesh and bones that I am too.

When and as weak points in my sexuality programming present themselves, I commit myself to first breathe, and then investigate the self-honesty of what is going on here, on paper, so that I may support myself to remove myself from the automated programming of my mind, and create myself in alignment with physicality, and the ultimate desire of physicality: Doing what is best for self, as all life.

Day 397 - Finishing a post

I commit myself to finish this post.

I have a long-standing behavioral pattern of starting lots of little projects and not finishing them. For example, I've now got 4 draft posts starting with "Day 397 - ..." Some of them have have only a sentence; others have enough content to be published.

An important question = WHY?! Why am I doing this? There are several angles to take on it, so I'm going to methodically work through them.

1)   Trying to blog about too many angles of a particular topic. This is what happened last time, and what I am now at risk of doing, but this time, I'm committed to finishing. When unexpected angles, dimensions, facets, factors, etc. come into play, suddenly the whole idea of the plan can become shaky. It's like the mind is driven to reach a goal within a rigid plan, and as soon as things aren't going as expected, then the drive vanishes and the beginning never meets the end.

2)   Nurture. It's far too easy to just blame my parents, but I can see similarities in myself and the way I approach projects and various activities in life. I could go on to make comparisons, but that's not direction that I'd like to take my writing. The key within this is to recognize the similarities between Self and parents/whomever, write and expand our understanding about the strengths and weaknesses, and then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to leverage our strengths and strengthen our weaknesses.

3)   Focus. I have 11 tabs open in my browser, not including this one or the other 220 I have stored in my OneTab extension. Like I said, I have an issue with finishing what I start. Fret not! I've got this point in my sights and I'm not backing away. To stay focused is simple (see the first 7 words in the post). And if that fails, investigate what went wrong, and start again with a fresh commitment. Why is this so powerful? Because Self has all the power, unless you give it away through accepting and allowing mental programs to drive your thoughts and so your Self.

4)   Prioritization. Without it, we can cast our vision too wide and quickly become overwhelmed by it all. My relationship with the sensation of overwhelmingness has typically been avoidance. As soon as things become "too much," I turn in the other direction. So, "too many responsibilities to do right now" = avoid all responsibility and find bliss in a game of Sudoku. It hurts to write. Self-Honesty is easy, said no one ever. Solution = orient to only the top priority and go for it. If a higher priority comes up, then focus every fiber of your being on that task until it's done so that you may return to the highest priority you were previously working on.

5)   Habit. Procrastination is not just something to take pride or shame in. It's also a habituated behavior. The mental pathways that lead to this behavior over and over again become favored in specific situations. Throughout my school years. I did what I wanted to do after school, and I did my homework (sometimes very) late into the night. This was my preference, and whatever the negative consequences were, I simply wrote them off for years on end. Now, the pattern is basically the same, except now, I've got a new starting point: Do what is best for all. So, it's not just me considering me anymore. To build my future and create significant value for others, I need to shed this habit. How? Self-forgiveness and corrected application commitments...work damn well.


Wrapping it up: I realize now that I don't have to have the perfect post...

6)   Perfectionism. Almost forgot it. I've intentionally left the above line to show my willingness to no longer trouble myself with the impossible goal of perfection defined in comparison with the ideal. This haughty goal takes a lot of energy and has gone on too long. Enough! The correction is in realizing that what I've written so far is already perfect within the process of perfection. Meaning, it doesn't have to be perfect now, but through continually applying myself and adjusting things as I go along, I will ultimately get as close as I can to perfection. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is living to your highest potential.


It is important to realize that forward movement is essential to becoming a success in any endeavor. Trying to reach perfection in one fell swoop and giving up if any obstacle comes up is a recipe for regret. Practice the writing and Self-honesty (@DIPlite). Move within imperfection while striving for a well defined outcome, and be ready to parkour any obstacles that stand in your way. Be ready for anything. Focus on the outcome you want, and focus on the solution when problems arise.

Creation is a movement and it doesn't always go as planned. Expect the unexpected and move like water.

source: garinkilpatrick.com

Day 391 - Submissive Conflict Avoidance, Ridicule & Leadership

In the Desteni leadership development group, we started investigating 'tough minds' in society and our responsibility in relation to them. There are people out there who react to their environment and people around them, having little or no time to stop themselves. Many others, myself included, have a mind that allows us to hold back or suppress our reactions, especially the reactions that would social conflict or awkwardness, for example. So our exercise is to find a person in our life that we reacted toward with blame and judgment toward their expression, and to bring that point back to self. Here I am sharing my process with this exercise:

Archetype/Character: goes with the flow to a fault, lacking leadership of others, submissive conflict avoidance.

Me in relation to this point- especially with women, I do not like this aspect of myself where I wait for another to lead/initiate to avoid facing the fear of failure/rejection/ridicule. When I also look at my brother in relation to me, I see how I've ridiculed him in a fool hearted attempt to distance myself from being the victim of ridicule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and fight for the position that I can be separate and protected from victimhood of ridicule by ridiculing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show affection for others by ridiculing them when they express anything that I deem worthy of ridicule because I am justified in showing them this point at home/in a close relationship, to help them prevent public ridicule or ridicule from a stranger or love interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that my justifications for ‘teaching’ others where/how they can be ridiculed through reacting to their expression through ridicule, are fears that I have within me that I have accepted and allowed to shape myself as mind, and so shape my life in the external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of an opportunity that is a result of a weakness within me that can be judged/ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to strengthen others through ridicule and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear public ridicule, and within this, fear being defined by others in a negative/weak way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘weakness’ with the word ‘negativity.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within myself by principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the reactions of others. And within this, I realize that who I am is who I am as standing principle within myself and without in my lived participation in this world and with every interaction.

I commit myself to now take the lead and go with it.

I commit myself to fail in my process toward self-perfection, within the awareness that I commit myself to always get back up and test a new way in the next moment, until I am stable in success.

I commit myself to stop ridiculing others’ weaknesses.

I commit myself to turning my ridicule back unto myself.

I commit myself to no longer fear public ridicule, as I now define myself by who I know myself to be as the principles I stand for and express myself through.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not swayed by their ridicule.

I commit myself to intentionally subjecting myself to ridicule, so that as the energy reaction comes up within me, I can utilize this moment to breathe and release this pattern that I no longer accept and allow myself to believe to be who I am.

I commit myself to stopping the self-construct belief system that is defined through me giving others the responsibility to define myself…interesting.

TBC

Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

No more.

(If you insist on listening to the song while you read my blog, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND DO SO!)

I'm going to do a special post today for Valentines Day! Yippy!! To open up a point as big as love required some research on my part, so I'll sum up the key points to the best of my ability today (to get you hooked) and then in the several following posts, I'll expand on what I currently see in this construct.

Briefly, In my own experience, "love" was not a quantifiable concept. I experienced it as unstable and fleeting at best. Perhaps some might say I never knew "true love." My parents loved me, in the obvious subtle kind of way. They weren't keen on overtly expressing their love, except occasionally. It is my theory that my mom learned from her mom that love is care is worry is prevention is making sure I eat my vegetables and stay safe from harm. You know? Kind of doing all she can to ensure I have the best chance to be successful in my life.

This form of love didn't translate so well into the early dating phases of my life. I felt near clueless about what love entailed, and how to approach girls with a display of my potential to give them love. Through time, I acquired more of an understanding of what girls expected, and I become fairly good at giving them what they wanted. It was damn near mathematical.

But math isn't love!? Isn't it? I don't want to ruin your Valentine's Day or anything, but can you honestly say that you have investigated what love is or what you expect from someone who loves you? Could you define it on paper? I know that I haven't even tried doing that before, and today marks the first day of my true investigation of how I have lived 'love' in my life. Through this specific self-introspection, I will be able to see where I am at in relation to love (what it means, what I expect, what I project, etc.) and then be able to redefine love within a starting point perspective of oneness and equality in the physical.

This post is just to wet your whistle and get you thinking about how you have been living the word Love in your life. Upcoming, I will expand on my research and relate everything to my own experience in life thus far; and from there, define and align the solution as a physically expressed, stable form of Love in the context of Self and All, Equal and One.

Day 340 - A Fall in Writing Commitment

Why have I been justifying the reduction of my direct writing of this blog? I have been "too" busy because of external factors that I am apparently a victim of, and within that I am showing myself that I do not yet understand my responsibility to direct myself within my external environment.

Another justification is that my decision to write a post or not has ramifications for solely myself. That I will only be delaying my process by 1 day..maybe 2, or 6. I've found by skipping a day, I have a much easier time skipping the next as well. Now, I've heard I'm not alone in my own little world inside my head, but I realize what that means. It's like I've been considering only what directly affect me or my self-concept and THEN NOT REALIZING IT. How is this possible? The feeling. It feels good, like a successfulness energy reward in the head.

This means that I've been walking my process according to how I feel. This is not an effective starting point because it is not stable for one, and for two, it's self-interest within a limited contextual framework of personal memories. It's a rather peculiar thing to realize myself as ego, as the 'I' that has formed relationships to a limited set of experiences that constitutes who 'I' am. This limited self-definition as a starting point for all my social interaction and self-movement is highly ineffective.

I realize now, there is an important thing to consider: Acting according to how I feel without investigating the reasoning, without checking the physical reality context, I am dooming myself to a fate of a reactive state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in a mental state of 'all that matters is me' not realizing my standing up in the context of all life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the meaning of what I am doing and who I am in relation to this Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to care about others within my process because all that matters is me and my relationship to myself. I've been investigating myself through my writing, and I ignorantly took a perspective that my motivation for doing this blog was for me alone, and that when others read my process, that they may benefit in their own isolated self process. There was a deliberate disconnect between my writing intent of self-support and the potential ripple effect of supporting others. I knew it was there, but I realize my responsibility in the context of all equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that my blog exists only for my benefit, and even though others may read it, I had separated myself from you the reader, not realizing how my existence is directly affecting you. This point was to protect my ego. To imagine that you are not significant, that the number of views or supporters that I get is just a number in a popularity contest, that IF I were to fail, I wouldn't have to take it personally.

So, interesting point that just opened up here. It's a big one and deserves additional attention. To take it personally within a context of social hierarchy. Basically, my starting point for my writing was: Will this advance or erode my social hierarchy position. And in this context, I've placed a failure to write quality blog posts in a reactive mental framework that protects me from taking it personally. It's like as I participate in this ego/self-definition polarity point, I aim for the positive, and mentally neutralize the negative to not have to take responsibility for my words unless I get positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my participation within the Journey to Life group as personal endeavor only, by placing others in separation of myself to function as just a number or impersonal data to boost my ego within some mental game of wanting to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to win. Within this, I realize that it's not about winning. This is the old program that I placed in my mind when I defined and designed my relationship to 'success'. To reprogram myself into my updated version of 'success' that exists in alignment with what is best for all, I commit myself to continue deconstructing all of my old inner personality relationships to words, so that I may realign myself and my active living, my participation here as one and equal with all life to simply be what is best for everyone. I only have to give up my fears.

So, today I've unwrapped my relationship to blogging a bit more. I can tell that if I'm going to really walk this process, which is a decision I've already made, I'm going to have to actually live my written words. That is a critical aspect. A disconnect here will not produce the results that I expect from myself. I commit myself to realizing that this is a lived process where I take my words and live them, I investigate my past experiences and the relationship between them and self, to discover who I am as a limited expression of mind, to embody the living expression of self as life.

Enjoy the process.

Day 339 - "I don't know"

When faced with a self defining question, it's pretty damn easy to say "I don't know," but there's a problem: I typically hit a wall here. To parkour this wall. To overcome it. To continue onward and figure out the answer to, let say for example: What am I capable of? I would have to really apply an effort to answer this for myself. I'd first have to understand that I need to give some context before I can assess the question seriously, a step that is not taken when resorting to an "I don't know" response.

In some ways, it's a particular relationship to the phase, where upon saying "I don't know," I also assume that someone else will give me the answer, or dig my psyche to unravel my core issues for me. It's a habit formed from when I was young: Mommy, Daddy what's...why...how? The function of "I don't know" wasn't to hide my inner reality. It was an expression that expanded my world. But now I find myself utilizing this phrase out of habit and in the wrong context. Instead of using this set of words to assist and support myself, I've allowed the habit to evolve into escaping the responsibility to investigate, understand and discover myself.

For clarification, this issue only applies with personal questions like: "How are you feeling today?" or "What's up?" Not questions like what's 37 x 689. To discern when I am being self-honest within "I don't know" there is a simple test: Is there backchat?

If there is a fogginess or background thinking process going on when I speak "I don't know," I can be sure that the statement is not being used as a direct, self-honest expression. Stop. What is my inner reality? What am I thinking in my secret mind? Why am I resisting to share the first answer that comes to mind? Probably, I am protecting my ego. That seems to be trending.

So, if I am to discover my potential, I'm going to have to realign my relationship to not knowing what it is. So far in life, I've placed way too much emphasis on the idea of my capacity without ever testing myself. It's like an imagined, glorified idea of myself in the future vs. the living reality of myself, here. This disconnect, I'm finding is a serious problem. I can't create the life I want to live if I keep telling myself and others that "I don't know." After all, without physically moving to overcome a mental wall of self-limited understanding, I'll just suppress the wall, save it for later and create a temporary perception (of "not knowing" for example) to feel okay for the moment. I no longer accept myself to live in the mind and support the illusion of self-control. I commit myself to walking the physical process of transcending the mind's automated, directive control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can simply reach a higher level of self-control by mentally suppressing my way through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the superior mental idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the words "I don't know" to hide my self-honest expression within my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind a wall of "I don't know" and not realize the dynamic of presenting an illusion of myself to others and myself. In this, not realizing the consequences of compounding self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and interaction through using "I don't know" as a way to outsource the responsibility of self-understanding and to engage others in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak "I don't know" while having a perception of who I really am in a glorified imagination space of my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that entertaining myself in this way is is only an entertainment and not the reality of myself, even though I like the idea so much and will try to integrate it with who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the physical reality of myself, to verbally claim that "I don't know" who I am, and then participate and believe in the mental idea that best suits me as ego.

When and as I see myself saying "I don't know" with simultaneous backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is an inconsistency, a separation between the physical reality of who I am and the idea of who I am. I commit myself to consider this moment and utilize it for personal insight by checking out why I had chosen to hide behind the words "I don't know."

When and as I see myself participating in a thought or imagination about how I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that if this were a reality of my living expression, I wouldn't have created the thought in the first place. I commit myself to investigating how I can realign myself to live within physical and express myself fully as life in support of an outcome that is best for all.

When and as I see myself mentally shaping who I think myself to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that using the statement of "I don't know" to protect what I think about myself in my secret mind is a way for me to see that I'm not living myself into and as reality. I commit myself to flag pointing the context and/or particular desires of how I would like to be when I hear myself say "I don't know" so that I may walk myself into a point of self-directiveness, here in the physical living reality.

photo credit

Day 324 - Investigating My Airport Fears

This is a continuation of Day 323 - Airport Paranoia where I briefly went over some of my backchats and imaginations that went through my head. Today, I'll expand on those.

First experience was when I got dropped off and I had to find my way to the right spot to get my boarding pass. A subtle thought keeps in: "What if something goes wrong" and that's when my mind races to see how this could be true. This process happens quite automatically because I've lived most of my life testing my fear-thoughts in my mind "so I will be able to protect myself" from experiencing the various scenarios that I conjure. When I don't participate in this process, I can simply live moment to moment, doing what needs to be done. There's no real reason that something would go wrong because I've taken the pertinent steps to success. If I hadn't, then I would have actual reason to worry, but then the appropriate action would be to take the necessary steps to get back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by trying to justify my fears is the right thing to do, so that I can avoid them,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can most effectively avoid problems through common sense prevention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "what if something still goes wrong" completely out of the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid about logistical failures within a mental worry/anxiety, instead of living in reality.

I commit myself to considering all possibilities and taking actions to prevent the worst case scenarios, and to not participate in anxiousness brought on by a self-doubt character.

When I imagine actual imagery of things going horribly wrong, I do not think that it will actually happen...but there is a part of me that brings up this type of thought. Why am I fascinated with horrible freak accidents? Because I don't believe they would actually happen, so within my beliefs I am safe. Could this be a way to reaffirm my faith in my knowledge/belief structure? I do not want it to happen, but it would be a cool scene to watch in a film: Causal passenger perspective, and then Bam! A whole other plane rips through the front of the cabin, killing many instantly...but the final moments of the passenger in the back...what is he thinking and experiencing? Why do I find this fascinating to contemplate? Intrigued by disaster. A thought comes up that pertains to not wanting to be a coward, but rather a survivor against extreme odds. Which comes back to wanting to be able to handle a worse case scenario. Interesting!

Such a powerful draw to the mental projection of worse case scenarios, within a desire to survive or just get through them, but also wanting to avoid the feared failure, and ultimately death. Paranoia is charged by fear. And fear is paranoia. So then paranoia feeds paranoia. All of this mental processing happening despite the physical reality that is here. Doesn't it make sense to rather be here, ready for anything, able to move/act in an instant, than to be imagining all the bad things that could happen? Because when one of them actually happens, we likely react without common sense or worse: completely freeze up, petrified by the fear experience that we've been creating the whole time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect myself by preparing myself for imagined worst case scenarios that are highly unlikely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself with a fear based thought-visualization because it is enticing, appealing to a system of my mind that I don't fully understand.

I commit myself to noting my violent imagination, and investigating my motivations within it to better understand myself.

I commit myself to discovering ways that I can prevent anxiety through comprehensive consideration and preemptive preparation.

photo credit

Day 292 - Living Best For All

Continuing with the theme of these recent posts:
Day 288 - Best For All Support
Day 289 - Anxious to Change the World

There is this feeling that I identified today that has been looming. I've written a little about it and now I have reached enough understanding to express myself in words. It's a shameful realization, but that's great because the SF releases my once buried program that has had a detrimental effect in my interpersonal interactions.

Here's a direct transcription of what I've hand written earlier today:

My drive to share the Desteni Message is tainted. It is logically justified through "Best for All," and is not purely an expression of what is best for all.

What comes up?

• Shame 
• Failure
• Fake
• Success through persistence w/ SF 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure & a fake through my initial attempts to adapt/orient to the message of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time within self-pity. 

-- expanding now --

I understand that I've been basically mad at myself for not applying/living the best for all principle. I've taken a long path of projecting this and then trying to get others to understand the merit here, before I personally embody and bring this principle to life within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a lack of understanding of what it is to live in alignment with what is best for all, and to within this establish myself within a superior teaching position based on knowledge and information of the principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I know what is best for all through a limited knowledge construct that I've established after a few years of reading. Silly.

I commit myself to being patient with myself in this journey to life in becoming a living expression of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself teaching or wanting to teach others about the best for all principle, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego has gotten the best of me for most of my reactive life. I commit myself to continue educating myself on when and where I am living within the limitations of mind as reactions that serve my ego, until it is done.

Until it is done, I breathe, and I continue my self-investigation. This is my right to life. Through educating myself first, I commit myself to support others when and as I am able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure in supporting others. I stop I breathe. I can really only speak to what I know as my personal experience. Live here, and all will be clear :)

The Equal Life Foundation support all in equality and oneness. It's a group worthy of your 'Like.'
First step's first. Educate oneself. Breath in: I commit myself to educate myself within every personally relevant pursuit in alignment of whats best for all.

Desteni Art

Day 286 - Self in Context of Human Rights

Spending even a little bit of time researching the current human rights affairs leaves a feeling of overwhelming disappointment. There is all this and that going on about human rights, but no one* is really doing anything to prevent the atrocities that take place on this planet. No one can have peace of mind without a a sweet monetary cushion. So really, the only people who can have the luxury of protected rights are those who can afford them, those that can afford legal defense and mitigation....ooo, that word is charged negatively in me. I don't know about you but I become somewhat enraged with the thought of the fortunate humans taking advantage of their fortunes to mitigate life circumstances to remain in a bubble, whereas the less fortunate human beings get no other option but full force misery. Word of the moment: Unfair

I have particular relationship to unfairness that I've been half aware of since my little brother was born. Now, I realize that all this time that "I wanted things to be fair," I actually only cared I was dealt a hand of unfair cards. As long as I was moving through circumstance of fairness or better, I was content. Through this, I unfairly treated others and my brother in particular. He was the easy target that I used to practice getting my way. I didn't realize the consequences of my behavior until I started studying the Desteni material. It is here that I really started considering who I am, instead of just what I want. I welcomed the core message of Self-Honesty, and so began process.

So far, I'v been very focused on myself. I understand that I need to work out my quirks to stabilize with an awareness of self so I can prevent unnecessary consequence. I'm not with every breath just yet, but progress is being made as an accumulation of awareness. A practical example: Flag pointing that feeling of superiority. I've been much more considerate of the awareness/stance of others when in conversation. This is just one aspect of the superiority/inferiority construct, and I still have a lot to walk through related to my inferiority complex - which is where I started from when I began constructing my ego drive for superiority.

What does all my personal baggage have to do with human rights? This relates to the point I addressed in yesterday's blog: Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole where I basically connected my self-responsibility to worldly-responsibility (with plenty of room to elaborate in posts to come; it's a process). For now, I commit myself to spend a nice blend of my time writing for self here and for self as all through the equal human rights campaign.

I commit myself to spending the time to investigate human rights as an equal and one relationship with how I've committed myself to spending time on my individual process. It's time to get crackin: All for One and One for All style :)

Special thanks to Marlen's Equal Life Rights post! Check it out.

Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear growing and becoming more responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear, not realizing how I'm holding myself back from growing and expanding my self expression through fearing fear and fearing myself as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I might find by expanding myself through self-honesty.

credit

I've realized some interestingly resilient resistance when it comes to self-change and ending some of those deeply ingrained habits. In particular, I am thinking about my nail biting habit that I keep turning away from. I have heard that biting fingernails is related to limiting self-growth/expansion. It makes sense from a literal perspective, and also from a psyche consideration. I begin nibbling whenever I am nervous, anxious, and/or fearful of a future oriented event, and through this frightfulness, I limit my range of expression to a mere quandary. It's like I shell up to to protect myself/ego from that which I fear. Finger tip to mouth is a closed posture, related to thumb sucking (which I also did)...and I overcame that through a reward system my parents had placed for me...oh dear.

I wasn't at all planning on this connection.  When I was really young, I stopped sucking my thumb so I could get the Grape Escape board game I saw on the television (commercial). All I had to do was stop the habit for 30 days, which took the visual form of placing gold stars on a calendar. I was excited for my prize, and each day I was motivated to get a gold star. Years later, the 'door opened up' for me to revive my oral fixation when the screen door closed on my brother's hand. His fingernail ripped right off, effectively traumatizing me. This vivid childhood memory has been what I thought was the start of this nail biting habit, but not I see there is more to it than just one incident. I also recall the thought that having long nails was a feminine attribute, deeming ridicule as valid. I also resented each moment when my brother would scratch me.

So, I have a lot more now to work with in relation to the nail biting point. Another point I wanted to make: The 'interestingly resilient resistance' that I've been experiencing in relation to stopping my habit is, in part, due to trying to take on too much at once by looking at the point from a distant perspective. I visualize it as standing up over a 5 foot diameter, 2 inch regression in the dirt, and I need to keep digging this hole until it's at least 4 feet deep. It also feels like I've been using the Self-Forgiveness trowel, and I really need to pick up the SF spade and begin shoveling more effectively. And by that I mean I can be using self-forgiveness more effectively by getting specific and thorough, instead of quick and general. I've been more of a big picture guy, so maybe that's another reason I resist getting into the nitty gritty. 

Back to my original point: (fear of) growth and expansion.  Nail biting is but one physical form of this fear. The internal resistance I feel in relation to putting myself 'out there' falls under this umbrella as well. I realize that the only effective way to deal with all of this is by focusing on one scoop at a time. 

Key points:

• Nail biting is just the surface conception or physical manifestation of what's going in relation to my fear of expansion and growing into self-responsibility
• Ending habits within a reward system has consequences:
• habit is transformed; not actually stopped through understanding and self-will
• strengthens relationship to being externally motivated, instead of internally self-willed
• Self-Honesty & Self-Forgiveness are keys to Self-change. Self-Will is using the key.
• Resistance flag point
• check if point is too general. "What else is going on within this?"
• check for fear of self-expansion. "What do I fear here? Why?"

I'll continue with self-forgiveness and corrective application tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to re-read my nail biting support from the Desteni forum here: Establishing Self-Trust to Stop Serious Habits. Thanks for being here to read me.

Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.

Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.

For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

photo credit

Related articles

• Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus
• Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance
• Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical
• Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
• Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Day 206 - Freedom Forgiveness & Exploration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom to act how ever I choose in any moment, and thus have created resistance toward decisions that might compromise my ability to act freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of losing control of a situation be it because of forceful consequence or creating discord between self and other(s). This is a huge point that I need to further unpack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to address such a large point as this, not realizing that I can give myself as much time as I need to sort myself out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and race through process from a point of comparison.

Okay. With regard to the 2nd SF statement, why would I lose control of my free will in any given situation? 1. Given: homework, Answer: disconnect between choice and desire through time
2. Given: in a group of peers (playing soccer), Answer: Don't want to let them down / inconvenience them
3. Given: Relationship, Answer: Fear of leaving bad impression

Well, I've sure opened up a lot with just this! Workin' it through:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past choices from my present choices. In this, I see the disconnect occurs because of energy fluctuations: either because the past choice was unstable/energy based, or my present choice is unstable, energy based. So, in the case of doing homework, I defined my choice to go to college separate from myself as breath. I went to college because "that's the standard society expects of me" and "to have a good time (socially)." I can see here my past choice was not for me, but externalized. Also, my procrastination was justified by 2nd intention which was for me (to have fun). Cool. Opening up. Expanding.

For the second and third scenario, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require positive validation/judgement from others to define who I am. This in a deeply ingrained fallacy. I believe most humans have this condition because we are taught in school of the concept: looking glass self (see image #1).  One of the primary components of this concept is, "We develop our self through the judgments of others." (Yeung, et al. 2003). This is not our true self as breathing life. This is our mentally reflected self. So the concept is right, the definition of self is where everything gets messy, especially since Desteni message popped up on the internet.

image #1 (from wikipedia)

Now, I see a connection between all of these above scenarios. Loss of control happens when I am already out of control. That disconnect between my past choice and present choice is not consistently congruent because I was never stable within my choices. The choice was fluctuating based on energy and self-interest. Much like "wanting to have it all," I hadn't realized that I am my past AND present choices, not taking responsibility for all of me. Bam!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to evade the inevitable self-responsibility and accountability of my past/present choices. I now realize that this is a major component of delay/procrastination. Riding the tides of self-interested energy is not practical in reality, and this is how things get out of control. We are out of control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all of me, all of my decisions; past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is me who has been robbing my freedom.
--
When and as I see myself making a choice that is accompanied by a self-interested, energy fluctuation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all my decisions throughout and across time. I commit myself to writing about when I have not taken the time to consider the consequences of my decisions, for in these moments I can discover the egoist program that moves with energy , delete it, and make room for the best for all choices.

Note: I just took a writing break and was amazed at how much/often I am moved by self-interest energy. I practically commit myself to at least acknowledging them, and I realize that only through writing can I decipher an event, find what are the motivating energies, and release the pattern through self-forgiveness and precise commitments. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the commitment statements seriously, as they are to be a new, written law of self. To be lived practically, in stability. Breath is the point of stability that connects past, present and future.

When and as I see myself resisting the writing of commitment statements because am unsure of my ability to uphold them, I stop I breathe. I realize that the only reason I would do such a thing is because I am not living my words, my words are not purified, rather based in energy. I commit myself to exploring the resistance toward making real commitment statements, and to stop creating energetic/unstable commitments to myself. Perhaps this issue may also pertain to being too general.

When and as I see myself out of alignment with a past decision, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can explore my past decision. I commit myself to giving myself the freedom to create a new starting point within a choice that may have once only considered what was best for me.

When and as I see myself experiencing an energetic low of consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a prime moment of self-investigation. I commit myself to writing about my experience and asking myself: how did I get myself into this situation? What decisions did I make? And why did I make those decisions? After these questions are answered, I commit myself to a steadfast process of releasing the patterns that lead to the unfavorable consequence through self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself (becoming) overwhelmed because of a large point that I have opened up, I stop I breathe. I realize that "the only way to eat an elephant, is one bite at a time." I commit myself to pacing myself within my own process. I commit myself to stop trying to race to the finish of process. Lao Tzu once said (probably in another language): "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." So, like this, I would like to calmly pursue purity of self. To be investigated.

When and as I see myself avoiding or resisting a choice that will limit my sense of freedom, I stop I breathe. I realize that making a decision is not to be taken lightly when the consequences are drastic. I also realize that making decisions based on an idealized energy is an act of irresponsibility within/toward self. I commit myself to becoming evermore responsible within my decision process.

There are many, many decisions made everyday. Will I stand up and vote for what's best for all? Will I accept less within myself? I commit myself to questioning my behaviors/choices that are not in alignment with what's best for all, so that I may see where and how self compromise exists, expose the pattern and walk process accordingly...patiently. There's no where else to go. Give me the time to really see me. Ahh, what a nice gift.

Day 204 - There's a ache in my head

Putting together the picture:
    It's not a headache, per say, though it is a feeling that emanates from my head region. It's almost like tiredness; in fact, I would most likely say that it is. But his uncomfortable feeling is more of a last resort excuse to not have to push through the resistance and face my work. If I am out of distractions to move toward, the resistances manifests this aching in the head. It's that feeling, "oh, I just want to rest my head." "One more moment of non-work, please."

Get the picture? I've got it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance, instead of writing it out and facing the resistance point. After doing a bit of writing, I have come to find that there is a negative association toward effortful work that is the source of my skewd starting point that leads to each distraction/avoidance behavior.

Previous, related writings:
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire
Day 106 - Living in Delay

Based on what I've just re-read. I see that I must add some more depth to the equation. I've know this would be necessary, but I mostly thought myself to have lacked the know-how.

Self-honesty is quite the key of all keys. Because when I see me/my mind/how I move, in self-honesty, I know what I need to do. I've already written about it.

Where my commitment statements do not stand, I must investigate what other factors I haven't yet considered. In this case. I haven't yet considered all of why and how I have this relationship toward effortful work. Waiting to figure it out, isn't a real option. Either I am investigating, through the written word as I am now, or I am moved by the delay/resistance into a submissive state, giving up my self-direction as life to my programmed mental self.

When and as I see myself simply allowing the uncomfortable feeling of resistance to move me, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an opportunity like any other, where I can investigate what's going on within me. Self-honesty vs simple allowance. Self-honesty says direct self here, simple allowance just goes with the flow of the aching internal reaction feeling. I commit myself to writing about resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing resistance to mutate and change and accordingly allow myself to be moved in its tides. I commit myself to breathing and moving. Until this is a natural self-expression, here, I commit myself to write about all my resistance points to discover all the little building-block points that contribute to the umbrella term: procrastination.

Adding depth = more perspective through writing.

It's time to amp up my writing commitment, instead of self-sabotaging within delay and resistance.

Day 182 - Justified Aside vs Emotional Movement

Today I found how even a mental aside can be justified, so it not always strictly, mental vs physical in the context of distractions. The self-honesty factor helps to discern when an aside is justified or a waste of time. More specifically, I ask myself is this side task contribute to what is best for all? If so, does it take priority over the primary task? If not, why am I allowing self-compromise? The reasons why one would deliberately compromise self are a struggle to deal with because those are the acts that are habitual, learned, desired, and are frustratingly not best for all. They typically lead to a temporary positive reward/feeling. Ay, there's the rub.

pic link

Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.

Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.

OK, design layout:

• Temporary positive distraction
• Temporary negative feeling placement

I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.

--

When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.

When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.

Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.

Thanks. Enjoy your process.

Day 178 - Disappointment of oneself

Yesterday, I decided to take a real, close look at how it is that I keep trying to hide from myself. There are plenty of layers here, and I'm not going to allow myself to get overwhelmed by trying to decipher everything all at once. I am breathing as I write this continuation, where the focus is forgiving self for the conflict and frustration toward myself for my moments of weakness. Addiction is a prevalent point here as well, that can wait for tomorrow as I breathe and walk one point at a time :)

photo credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself through not being able to stand strong and direct myself in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that standing up within and for myself in the moment of change is not effectively accomplished through self-anger and the variants of experience including but not limited to disappointment, shame, and regret.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the inclination to become upset with myself for not standing as an absolute example of what's best for all always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by allowing myself to be within the emotional experience of self-anger or disappointment toward myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment, not considering or realizing this as a mind participation moment, stopping, breathing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember to just breathe and direct myself according to what is common sense in that moment, that which is best for me and all equally.
--
When and as I see myself becoming of disappointment, anger, frustration, regret, shame within and toward myself, I stop I breathe. I realize this does not serve me and is of a mind consciousness programming that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy from others while growing up. I commit myself to the simple recognition of this design play out. Within this, I commit myself to leave no stone unturned in my self-investigation process, and with a steadfast, persistent examination of each layer, I do not stop to feel disappointed for my past/present allowances.

When and as I see myself hung up on self-pity and the like, I stop I breathe. I realize this is only worsening my situation by existing within self-judgment instead of self-direction within and of the moment of awareness of my breath. I commit myself to purse the layers within and behind my attempts to hide from myself, until I am clear and effective within self-application in every moment. Patience. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and create another energy that will fade as this is the starting point of disappointment of myself...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so disappointed and ashamed of myself through failing to stop my fingernail biting habit that I've retreated or receded from further investigation through fear of failing again. This is why I must no longer allow the energy of disappointment to dictate my physical action(s).

I commit myself to keep moving within my process and flag pointing everything that gets in my way!

Day 176 - Point of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on within the same pattern of media consumption and ignoring my daily task list.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accentuate this point of change, believing it has a residual power that is larger than I, the creator of this internal conflict/friction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand equal as the point of change and with all associated energies that contribute to my downfall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not will myself to write about my limiting experience in that moment, and instead go deeper into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am showing myself my accepted and allowed relationships through my habitual behavior patterns. I realize that I am my greatest teacher when I listen to my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be mindful of my habitual patterns, and when I am, I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept myself within it instead of stopping, breathing, and moving through the resistance in the point of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to follow the belief that "I have lots of time, I can do it later."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself in self-judgment for repeatedly falling into a familiar and undesirable habitual, physical pattern.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal and one with the point of change and all associated energies that contribute to the equation of my resulting behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to just go with the flow of my mind's desire, a.k.a., take the easy way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a fast learner to the point that I get frustrated with myself when I am not creating change within myself at a quick pace.

--

When and as I see myself in self-judgment related to falling, failing, not learning quickly, or changing instantly, etc., I stop I breathe. I realize that my reaction toward myself is of mind and not assisting myself in standing one and equal with all parts and becoming the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to educating myself at a pace unrelated to anyone else's pace where in that I do not participate in reactions of being a (+)fast learner or a (-)slow learner.

When and as I see myself willingly accepting and allowing myself to waste my time without consideration of my daily responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that this only really occurs when I do not set a hard time-stop agreement that practically places a limitation on pass-times for myself. I commit myself to commence an action plan so that I know where I'm going next and know what to do when my self-agreed amount of fun-time is over, so that I may practically direct myself instead of just going "ah, just one more game."

When and as I see myself acting recklessly with my time, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment requiring brutal self-honesty to stand within and as self-change in relation to using time wisely. I commit myself to writing this behavior pattern our for myself to see clearly, disengage from it, and to continue to press on with this process of perfecting the self. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to hold myself back with feeling constructs that I do not understand. I commit myself to understanding all acceptances and allowances of/within my beingness and living the correction.

I commit myself to stabilize within the point of change, applying self-change effectively, and investigating when I do not.

openclipart

Day 159 - Lacking leadership

The moment of self-direction is elusive and yet always here.

The pattern of the day I'm going to try and capture is the difference between giving up or giving in to a mind dominion state, and a self-honest directive. What I do is go into my mind when I perceive that I can't handle life or a certain aspect of it. For instance, I may be 'participating' in a social circle or even in conversation with one individual, and I find my own thoughts more interesting than what's going on in RL (real life). So, like an ADD child, BAMM, I'm off somewhere else. I've developed a nice set of consequences in so doing. I doubt myself, I wish I was more like the cool kids that seemed to be more socially invested and present with others more. It was leadership. It is leadership that I separate myself from others. I've long desired to be a leader. I lack leadership.

This is a key judgement & realization for me. I've been existing in separation of leadership, placing it very high on the pedestal, seeing it only in others and not myself. I read and long aspired to acquire leadership skills. I didn't really think to much about self-leadership and what that would entail.

SO, here's the deal. I'm going to map this one out and get back to you (me) tomorrow. There is a lot embedded in this separation/desire for leadership skills. I realize that I've been trying to show myself what I need to change through envying other's leadership qualities.

I ever commit myself to the self-discovery efforts required to exist as the change I see is best. I am here, writing for me and you if you want to read and join along. (Just join along, and start your journey to life. You'll thank you later.)

To be continued tomorrow.