Day 182 - Justified Aside vs Emotional Movement

Today I found how even a mental aside can be justified, so it not always strictly, mental vs physical in the context of distractions. The self-honesty factor helps to discern when an aside is justified or a waste of time. More specifically, I ask myself is this side task contribute to what is best for all? If so, does it take priority over the primary task? If not, why am I allowing self-compromise? The reasons why one would deliberately compromise self are a struggle to deal with because those are the acts that are habitual, learned, desired, and are frustratingly not best for all. They typically lead to a temporary positive reward/feeling. Ay, there's the rub.

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Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.

Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.

OK, design layout:

• Temporary positive distraction
• Temporary negative feeling placement

I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.

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When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.

When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.

Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.

Thanks. Enjoy your process.

Day 96 - Forgiveness Variance

Thanks Damian Ledesma

There will be updates to this post.

My relationship to the concept of forgiveness is not easy to describe. When it's effectively done, its over, not a whole lot of thinking follows after a point is walked through self forgiveness statements. And I notice that with out laying down the corrective action statement, I can easily fall back into the same point, as if the SF cleared the structure but the imprint was still heavily laid in. To rewrite the structure of a relationship, we actually have to do it. So take responsability for all the relationships I've ever formed, forgive the specific points that hold a charge, then lay down the foundation of the new order within, best written down and so physicalized (you can't trust the mind...well you can trust it will reflect the nature of your allowed existence), and live within that framework as an example of self willed change. Doing all of this for self, with a self definition  of all life.
So far my commitment statements have been weak. Loosely slopped together partly within a starting point of 'having to do it' and so wasn't living with my words. I was "BSing" it, to use some school days lingo.

This is the first point of variation that I see: a reactive approach vs an authentic approach.
In reactive mode, I'm just doing the forgiveness as a reaction to events or thoughts, not considering myself fully equal with my words. I guess you could relate it to "half-assing" it. I don't like "half-assing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a negative relationship to "half-assing" wherein I judge others as this but not myself. With a self-honest look, I am half-assing many aspects of life, relying on the assumption that I'm smart enough and would not half-ass serious projects, well I do & I forgive myself for that. When and as I see myself not completing a project, or not giving it my full potential, I stop I  breathe. I realize that I am only cheating myself, and without self-honesty in play, I'm screwed.

In self-honesty mode, I realize a point in my mind that is programmed and non-sensical, and then speak/write out a flow of honestly spoken self-forgiveness. The release is notable, and sometimes get distracted by my forgiveness and don't get around to laying the new inner law of myself. There is still a fear that comes up, the fear of failing, or not being effective or honest with myself, and I allow that to actually prevent me from trying...no longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to exist with fear/doubt to the extent that I set myself up for failure/giving up.

I commit myself to keep strong with my efforts of releasing myself from the fears embedded inside me.
I commit myself to keep writing and practicing self-forgiveness and commitment statements, and not to allow my lack of perfection to get in the way of my process. I started, that was the toughest part. The ball is rolling and inertia is true. Time to get even more seriously invested in myself and to stop allowing falls and fear of falls to keep me down.

When and as I see myself wanting to move toward a positive experience and depart from here/reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that to be steadfast within my application of this journey to life, I must stop allowing the BSing and get to work. I also realize that without beginning I can't reach the end.
So, I continue to face my nail biting point until it is done, as I said yesterday. No more running/hiding/suppressing. It's all up to me to sort me out.

Thanks for reading.

Related articles

• Day 39 - Self-Honesty as the Key of Keys
• Day 67 - Self-Forgiveness on Self-Forgiveness
• Day 95 - Continuing with my nails