Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

photo source

Day 306 - Morning Mind Play

Continuation of:
Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet
Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

Cool. I had a nice opportunity to play with my mind, and what did I find? The morning wasn't kind.

Seriously though, I made some interesting participatory observations. Here's a brief walk through: Alarm goes off, wasn't expecting it, but I adapt. I turn it off during a feeling of heavy wake-up resistance, head straight back to the pillow. Mind reminds me to exercise my breathing application to dissolve the resistance feeling. Slowly, my breathing turns into ego/thought, fail. Recovered 45 minutes later. I realize I can't be laying down in the most comfortable position ever if I want to wake up.

Solution:
One breath   > upright position. Continued breathing until stable. Direct self to begin the day.

Also, reporting on how the rest of my yesterday went after posting my earliest blog ever :
- Got more done.
- Felt like I still needed to be writing during the 10th and 11th hour of the evening
- Bottom line: When I start my day with self-supportive actions, like writing, I continue my day in a relatively more self-supportive way.

So, here I am now, typing up another morning post. It's freeing. It even seems like the day lasts longer. In addition to waking up earlier, I also don't have a looming responsibility that I've put on hold the entire day. The key difference is that instead of wanting to spend my time distracting myself from whatever I am procrastinating, I am free to move on to the next responsibility, effectively accomplishing more in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay responsibilities and not realize how I'm amplifying my inefficiency by expelling effort within the delay/procrastination suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sleeping in within the domain of my mind while under the influence of morning tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight within myself as the various voices/backchat that are back and forth "do I get up/do I just sleep" not realizing that participating in this inner dialogue IS within the design of the resistance energy that pulls me back to my pillow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am choosing to place my head back down on the pillow through accepting and allowing that resistance energy to direct me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and stand as one and equal with the energies of my mind, taking full responsibility for my actions, instead of blaming my actions on a mind in separation of who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind for my behavior.
--
When and as I see myself delaying a responsibility, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I initiate damage control by trying to hide from my decision to postpone a task, I am being dishonest with myself and creating consequences that I don't want. I commit myself to assist and support myself when operating within a delay, to either face the resistance and do the 'dreaded' task, or engage in other prioritized tasks within an agreement with myself to accomplish the delayed task at a specific time frame.

source

When and as I see myself debating and justifying why I should go back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that in this state of mind, I am unfit to make a stable decision. I commit myself to sit up and breathe until the resistance energy is not the sole director of my decision. As I consider all that I could be doing with my day and as the resistance is no longer overwhelming, I will allow myself to go back to sleep if that seems needed. For now I am on a probationary period of one month. If this point becomes an issue again, I'll make adjustments.

When and as I see myself blaming my mind for my behavior, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the mind, that there is no separation, that no one but me alone is responsible for my behavior. I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to identify each relationship point of blame/separation  between myself and my mind, so that I can and will walk the correction. The solution as standing one and equal with one's own mind, accepting the responsibility of one's own reactions, even though it seems out of our control, it isn't. I commit myself to accepting the responsibility for myself and in so doing, showing others that they can too: Operation Disband Victim Culture.

This isn't over yet. In fact, it's good practice to not think that any of my transcendence points are over because if I do, then I'm probably wrong. The desire to be done is a more potent thought generator than the absolute silence of true transcendence. I commit myself to persist in demystifying the resistance of self-change so that I & WE, equal as one, may walk this self-corrective process more effectively. Thanks.

Day 300 - Correcting Sleep Patterns

For as long as I can remember, I've spent the majority of my nights in a silent fight with myself. The basic idea was to postpone falling asleep as long as I can, to make full use of my time at night. Why was the nighttime special to me? It was time I had to myself.

Primarily in a family setting when this habit formed, I enjoyed social interaction during the day, but when the late evening arrived and everyone is doing their own thing, I would go into learning and work mode. It seemed the best way to use my time, and through this I developed an emphasized value on the late hours of the day. The results: Many late nights due to saving / delaying my work until the night & I utilized these late nights for self growth and understanding. It was opposite of how I perceived my peers and family to be. This inflated my ego superiority through "I am investing my free time into understanding whatever I am curious about." In college, most of my free (night) time to myself disappeared, and I doubled up on social time. This caused me to react and subtly define social time negatively as "social distraction." Now, I am for the most part free of obligated time structure, so I have full responsibility of my schedule. For the first time, I get to observe myself spending time throughout the entire day without anything to blame but me.

What have I found? I haven't made the changes I want to see with any amount of consistency.

What do I want? To spend my day time effectively and start respecting my sleep cycle.

How? Through self-corrected living application of course!

Why? Because fighting sleep usually means unpleasant mornings that can put  my whole day in a slump.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to sleep very much and thus can afford to postpone sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between how/when I fall asleep and how/when I wake up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I'll sleep when I die."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special because I can get by with less sleep than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am cool and special because I can stay up the latest and rise the earliest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the nighttime hours more than other daytime hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take ownership of and be responsible for how I spend my time in every moment, through blaming others for my daytime social preoccupation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that I utilize the night hours best in being the most productive then, when the reality is that I am not always productive in the nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by maintaining a routine of mental alertness and increased work ethic only at nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reserve only the nighttime for self-introspection and self-growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too difficult to blog during the day because I am not forced to do it just yet. This is a subtle delay justification that I'm not very conscious of, but nonetheless, has a powerful effect. This one point of delay justification has been defining me too heavily and I will not continue to allow it to dictate how I do what when!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my sleeping habits until now.

--

I commit myself to begin watching when/how I fall asleep and when/how my wake up commences.

When and as I see myself postponing my blog/work until nighttime because "I don't have to do it yet," I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself, my process, and so the entire process of the human race, in that one single moment of "I don't have to do it yet." I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer utilize this excuse design of putting off work and abdicating self-responsibility in each and every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to stay awake longer, I stop I breathe. I realize that sleeping might be whats best for all, for providing myself adequate time to rest will allow me to be fully ready to walk an effective day tomorrow. I commit myself to embodying the realization of continuity between days and respecting the sleep cycle as an equal and one value of time spent. Till here no further do I hide the connection of my tomorrow from my today. No more do I allow myself to distract myself instead of going to bed.

From here forward, I will be mindful of my sleeping habits, and I commit myself to on the fly correction when and as I see myself abusing my nighttime.

picture credit

Day 293 - Externally Induced Distractions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my inner drive to be productive.

cc flickr

Through back to back distractions, I have robbed myself of this whole day. At times, I would blame others when they wanted to share time watching a movie or a television show, but interestingly, as soon as I had my full volitional control back, I would continue to participate in distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate as is, in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of externally induced distractions to project blame and hide my self-responsibility to come to a living agreement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day unplanned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the moments of choice when I turn away from my work and responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame.

See, the point of all this forgiveness is to really just say sorry to myself, acknowledge what I've been accepting and allowing, take responsibility to change that relationship/point within my beingness, and live self-direction, live self-will, live my intention to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of self-responsibility for myself in EVERY moment, where even when I decide to take the less responsible way, TO NOT HIDE IT from myself or PRETEND that it's nothing, or that it's "OKAY" to just stay focused on the distraction.

--

When and as I see myself distracting myself from being self-honest while participating in a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this breath is a new moment where I face myself and choose how and what I accept and allow. I commit myself to realizing the power of breath as a moment of choice between self-honesty and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to investigating my attachments to whatever consistently yields a choice-relationship of compromising my self-honesty.

When and as I see myself projecting blame within frustration, I stop I breathe. I realize I am within an ego design of abdicating my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to realizing that I am actually frustrated with myself and within this realization, move myself into acting responsibility for myself in the current situation.

I commit myself to bringing blame back to self and living self-honesty as best I can, progressively.

I commit myself to realizing my responsibility to my self and all in creating a world that is best for all.

Shout out for ELF!!
Contributing to the solution is to become the living solution.

Day 279 - Thumb Sucka

credit

Yesterday, I ended my post with a postscript as a note to self to go back and investigate the relationship between my nail biting habit and my early childhood thumb sucking habit. No time like the present.

Today, I was half aware and proactively examining my nail biting behavior while at the cinema. I did noticed that there was a factor of comfort that I haven't really been aware of in my past considerations of this habit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the connection between my nail biting habit and my previous thumb sucking habit, never realizing that I maintaining the habit of comfort I received from this posture/behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that I have become orally fixated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thinks that I will stop my nail biting habit sometime in the future, not realizing how placing a future date on self-change directs self-responsibility to change self away from here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to wait until I am more able to take on a point that I believe is too deeply ingrained for me to be able to effectively address now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear change and will make up nearly an excuse to avoid self-responsibility, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to comfort myself within nail biting and not realize this as a reactive starting point to something I found makes me uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate what drives me to discomfort when and as I bite my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop I breathe, and I hold that in-breath for 4 counts. I realize my responsibility of self-direction in that moment. I commit myself to understanding that I will only ever break this habit through applied self-will in every moment.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed with a sense that I cannot take on such a deep seated point as nail biting or thumb sucking, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person who can take on any points I discover within myself. I also realize that I am the one allowing myself to fear/resist self-change. I commit myself to identifying and breathing through the self-change fear as an experience of resistance.

When and as I see myself feeling fidgety with a desire to chew on my nails or surrounding skin, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really breathe through this desire, I will prevent myself from entering another nail biting timeloop. I commit myself to repeatedly act within this principle of awareness of self, as who self is as thought, word and deed. As I practice applying my breath awareness, I become increasingly self-directive within and as my breath. I commit myself to stop allowing myself to bite my nails through suppressing my self, my will, my life, my decision to live and understand my automation so that I may walk the correction in moving myself into alignment with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time biting my nails.

To Be Continued

Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive

Yesterday I started exploring where and when I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself. I found that there are many specific subjects/scenarios/situations that I let my mind simply choose my path, as if on auto-pilot. There are many ways that I allow my mind to day dream off into other things that I could be doing, other than the current task at hand. For example, since I've begun writing this paragraph, I've wanted to shower...but first maybe go for a run...and then I think about what points I want to write about for the rest of this post...and tomorrow. My focus in the moment wanders without my permission..

Is that what's really happening? Or am I making subtle choices to go into thought about what I want to do/write next?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind, as a separate entity than myself, for making my mind wander, and so placing self as a victim of my mind that was created from my past. Wow. This is probably how everybody dodges the responsibility of self's choices. I have this awareness of what I know is the self-responsible thing to do, but then the desire steps in to suggest I do otherwise. NOW, the interesting thing: I place myself as a victim of my own desire. I separate myself from the desire. And within that, I place myself as inferior without even realizing this whole process.

All the while I have completely forgotten about my breath, forgotten that I am here, and my mind continues to have this internal battle, friction of right and wrong...but the curious thing here is that the purpose of this internal friction seems to just charge the desire. Back and forth until my argument for the desire wins.

This is a real problem. I could have just accepted that I have a hard time focusing and spent the rest of my life trying to focus, potentially medicating with mental aids like Adderall. Fortunately, I've been able to rely on my "do or die mode" to get the important stuff done when it matters. Doubly fortunate, I've stumbled upon an effective method of self-investigation through self-forgiveness to strengthen and bring my directive principle back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind and become a victim of my desire, not realizing that I am the creator of that desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility in having programmed my own mind to desire certain things based on past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that I am responsible for my desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to follow my desires when experiencing resistance toward writing/work, and within this I apologize to myself (I am sorry) that I have been foolish and let myself go when even faced with a little resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into my programming, to relinquish myself to the internal energies that I have structured to suit my self interest and that which makes me feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how much my past influences who I am now, and in this, for forgetting that I created my perspective from past experiences and as the creator, I am responsible for all of me.

When and as I see myself within an internal battle, creating friction between two wants, I stop I breathe. I realize that I know what I really want to do is aligned with what's best for all (and me), and that by participating in the internal debate, I am actually building the argument for the self-compromising desire. I commit myself to live here, and continually bring myself back here, to my breath, when I make self-directive decisions.

I commit myself to make self-honest agreements with myself.

I commit myself to stop trying to spin/justify my choices without being self-honest and considering the whole picture, including the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the act from the consequence.

I commit myself to realizing the connection between the act and the consequential outflow when making a decision to move or speak. (thought, word, deed...interesting how I left out the thought dimension of this commitment...not ready?..thought dimension to come)

I realize that some of my commitments seem 'ideal' and may to some readers seem impossible. I commit myself to share with my readers my entire 7 year journey to life, the entire process of deconstructing my internal mind programs and recreating them with awareness of what is best for all.

I commit myself to continually investigating where my commitments do not hold up. This relates to 'failure' and my whole failure character. More on this tomorrow!

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance toward my work, I stop, breathe, and realize that I am now within a system/program where my goal is to abdicate my responsibility to be self-directive. I commit myself to write about resistance as it comes up. I commit myself to further exploring the starting point of that resistance. I commit myself to also explore the desirable distractions that I turn to when resistance comes up to investigate that side of the equation and find out how I've created that desire in the context of my past.

I commit myself to giving myself plenty of time to work this all out for myself. This is not a race. This is me effectively applying myself in every moment, every breath. This is me having fun! :)

For a cool, related perspective:

This interview nicely depicts
self-change vs self-compromise.

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

How am I directing myself today? I am directing myself to write on self-direction and write Self-forgiveness on what I find today and found yesterday.

How have I been directing myself today? There multiple moments of self-direction. So how can I effectively address this question? Bullet List!

• The moments where I was directing myself
• Study DIP material
• time pressure within it
• The moments when I was just going with the flow
• Went for McDonalds breakfast
• craving something delicious
• reason to ride my bike
• Helping out around the house / yard work
• earning my keep; obvious priority
• Little time distractions

So what's going on here? What patterns can I hone in on and focus on? It's interesting how the only moments where I am pushing myself to be a director of myself is when the time pressure point is present. Other than that, I am functioning within obligation and desire / resistance to be self-responsible. Within that, I recognize that I am creating an illusion that I have nothing pressing, by ignoring all that I could be doing. This is the primary point of self-sabotage within the design of procrastination.

Now that I'm seeing how much goes into my procrastination system, I will patiently move through the layers. First to recap my understanding: I procrastinate because I neglect work that I could do that is not forced upon me either by others or my own externally positioned decision. It will be a process to bring myself back to the here moment where I simply work for me without an external motivation. I look forward to breaking this system down and rebuilding myself as a self-responsible productivity man man man!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as according to achievement of externally imposed missions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal motivation ONLY according to desire and positive feeling experiences, not realizing how I am limiting myself and compromising my responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can accomplish my journey to life within a particular time frame such that I create a feeling of rushedness and desire to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to move fast will ultimately slow me down because without a stable starting point, I will not create stability.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to practice becoming stable within myself when and as I direct myself within accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my past track record of moment to moment awareness and responsibility into mind and use it as an elusive and vague excuse to not remember my breath.

When and as I see myself waiting for an external point of motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am holding myself back from achieving success for myself in every moment that I choose the desirable distraction over self-responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for each moment that I choose to delay what I could be doing. In this, I commit myself to investigate why I gave into a particular distraction program within delay.

I realize that delay / procrastination is an umbrella system, not to be decoded with one fell swoop. Same with my nail biting habit. It's not the habit itself that needs to be addressed. It's the internally structured, energetic experience pattern behind it that I need to hone in on and take responsibility for stopping. I keep delaying that point because the anxiety system seems bigger than me....crazy. I need to get back to that, soon.

When and as I see myself wanting to move fast through a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a significant difference between desire to accomplish more faster, and a stable application of myself that is effective, consistent and reliable. I commit myself to the restructuring of my internal motivation sources, slowly, and first by deconstructing the existing self-interest that really isn't serving what's BEST for me. What is best for me is also best for all.

When and as I see myself moving from a point of instability with regards to being productive or doing hard work, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not practicing a sustainable solution. I commit myself to stop looking at the keys on my keyboard so that I will ultimately type faster than if I keep cheating by looking, for example. I'll post more on this point as well. So many points. Point, point, point.

I commit myself to really be serious about understanding what is going on inside of me when I abdicate self-responsibility. What system is at play? When did I start doing this? Regret? Shame? Doubt? I commit myself to keep digging. No excuses for not taking responsibility for myself. Investigate.

picture credit

Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance

Today's focus is letting go of my attachments to the design of resistance when I'm faced with work. I've already begun to bring awareness into the critical moment. Because of all the writing I've been doing on this point, I'm finally starting to slow down and stop the resistance driven movement and bring my attention back to the work that I am facing. My goal is to do this consistently. To accomplish this goal, I must not rely on hope or waiting for myself to get my act together because I realize that it is my active participation with myself that determines who I am as a directive principle of self. 'Hope' is a mental diffusion of responsibility. I can't wait any longer because I now realize how the design of waiting contributes to delay / procrastination.

Through this mini-series, I've come to a point where my awareness of what is here, as who I am in my relationship to work, and from here forward it is my responsibility to take the next step: Living the correction. I've not discovered and written about each and every point that is related to this character / behavior pattern, so when the specific points come up, I'll support myself by writing in my side journal to investigate why. By so doing, I am living the correction of active participation within my process of self-purification.

I commit myself to stop at no hurdle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and create a perception of myself as a failure. Within this I realize that by marking myself as a failure when I fall, I am creating myself as a failure and creating a spiral of negativity as I move my thoughts into living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifest my negative thoughts about myself (i.e. failure, doubt, general inability).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure and to act within this fear by not acting so I won't have to risk failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad/negative, not realizing how my perception of failure is what is keeping me from transforming a fall into a moment of learning and growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within resistance energy as I look for excusable, desirable distractions/deviations from my intention to responsibly apply myself within work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is difficult to stay focused and that this is because of reasons that are outside of my control / creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my positively charged desires and my negatively charged resistances. I commit myself to realizing my responsibility for the internal movements that are charged +/- instead of subscribing to the illusion that these forces are out of my control / jurisdiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by internally charged relationships without fully understanding why I am moving myself. I commit myself to continue bringing awareness to situations where I do not fully understand my motivations behind behavioral inclinations.

When and as I see myself mentally processing to find a justification for something that would take me away from my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the critical moment where I may decide abdicate the responsibility of self-direction by giving into the persuasive, internal, energetic game of tug-o-war, or to stand up within the stability of myself and exercise my ability to direct myself in each and every here-moment.

I commit myself to the realization that I am so very able to stop the energetic movement of resistance / desirable distraction. This internal movement is an energy program that I had, indeed, set into motion at some point in my past. I must take responsibility for my creation. I will release the programming that no longer suits my interest, which has shifted from solely self-interest, to now include what's in the best interest of ALL. I commit myself to release my outdated energetic programming with living self-forgiveness statements.

AND NOW, this is the point of achievement. This is the point of success. This is the moment of truth:

Who am I in the critical moment?

I commit myself to practicing the living application of the awareness, realizations and insight that I arrive at through writing in my Journey to Life blog.

I commit myself to show others the purpose of the Journey to Life blog is to prepare for actual, living self-change by practically applying myself in the process of bringing self-awareness through into living self-correction.

Flickr credit

Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Yesterday, I ended pt.2 of this series with a commitment to begin making an application of breath a new habit when faced with resistance, and desirable distraction. What I haven't really taken into account is all of the step I need to take to establish this habit.

This is the basis of which I will achieve my success. With a plan. With diligence. With commitment to who I am in relation to work. As barriers come up, I work through them. No more wallowing in failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I fail. I commit myself to perceiving failure as opportunity for growth, and no longer allowing a spiral of negativity. In my past, I have been so good at suppressing the self-defeated, inadequacy, "I can't do it" character that I wouldn't even acknowledge it. Rather, I'd simply move into a distraction or diversion that would allow me to maintain an inner positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my own inner feeling in a single moment rather than considering how I would self-honestly feel about a situation while taking into everything into consideration. To procrastinate requires this dynamic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily ignore the inevitable consequence of delaying work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how much more proficient I could be if I didn't delay even one task. Delaying one task, delays all tasks. Unless I agree with myself that the delay is warranted through having task 2 take priority over task 1, I need to stay focused on achievement. That yields success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay achievement, not realizing the consequence of delaying my success. If this continues until I die, I will have failed.

So what I'm seeing now, is that delay leads to failure and could be considered one and the same. I commit myself to not become discouraged and spiral into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how delay is a fail, especially when I don't get up and give my whole moment/hour/day away to a feeling-guided storm of 'unproductivity'.  I commit myself to stop this when and as I see myself in this behavior.

Before the behavior comes thoughts. I commit myself to flag point which thoughts occur when I move into delay so that I will be best able to walk my process effectively in dismantling those specific thoughts so my directive power lies within my breath. From here, I move effectively.

I commit myself to continue to with this point until I am a living, breathing example of self-direction in every moment. Enjoy.

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Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.

Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.

For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

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Related articles

• Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus
• Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance
• Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical
• Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
• Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Day 227 - Sticking to one mission at a time

It is recommended by the Desteni group to walk through one point at a time, which contributed to my fear of opening up my nail biting again. It's interesting how fast that association happens and then becomes a part of my program. So, to release that specific thought association there: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I shouldn't attempt to really stop biting my nails unless I am more than confident in my ability to complete the process in one solid go. I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept my interpretation as the whole of truth and integrate it into my perspective without a second thought.

OK, off to a bad start, but the goal of this post is to reaffirm a personal awareness of deviation toward a particular task. This largely pertains to the point of delay, procrastination, ADD, etc. The basis of the concept is falling into the resistance energy when faced with work.

For examples: Biting my nails can be an escapism/release from the work that I am facing. Eating a delicious treat is a favorite go to when my mind is racing for a distraction. Another favorite distraction is other productive tasks that are looming in the background. Internet issue of having multiple tabs open, and wanting to cycle through all of them instead of just getting one task done at a time.

It's weird because I feel like multitasking with multiple tabs open on my computer will make me faster, more productive, and yet the opposite occurs. When I sit here with my focus, I am able to complete a single task faster than if I draw it out with other tasks. I believe the feeling of slowness happens with the resistance, so I am slowed down by it during the working, and then through the resistance I multitask and find ways to actually slow me down.

If I could stick to one thing at a time, I would be more effective. Hence the recommendation to walk one point at a time. Popping around to multiple points will take a long time AND prevent me from reaching depth within each single point = less effective.

Even when I misspell a word while typing these posts and the red swiggly line appears underneath, I am much inclined to stop my train of thought and fix the error before continuing.

So, there is a lot of multidimensional play here within my "ADD" issue. I will sort it all out in time, and I already understand that becoming overwhelmed is not the solution. Temporarily mitigating the resistance by altogether stopping my attempts at focusing on one task, gets me no where. Also, there is many different angles one could take on this perspective of taking on just one mission at a time: small scale, large scale, time frame, etc.

I realize that when I sit down to type a post, I can get that post done faster if I do not allow the resistance energy to guide me. Even as I wrote this sentence, a wave of tiredness brought up the thought, "go sit lay down on the couch, just for a little while." And it is precisely this that I need to work through.

This is tough. And I knew it would be. But I haven't actually considered how hard it is to move oneself through persistent resistance. I know that if I keep taking back control of my body within my breath, I can do this. It's not impossible to undo our nature as organic robots that only move with mind frequency. I remember that I can breathe and direct myself. And what's really cool about this flow right now is how I'm noticing all kinds of thoughts come up like how I'm doing a shitty job by not taking a rest, and that others will think I'm a bad writer if I keep writing through the tiredness. It's like my mind will throw anything it's got at me to ensure that I listen to at least one thought so that I am directed and controlled by the mind consciousness system.

So, where from here? I guess I'll stop here, and write early tomorrow to apply some practical self-forgiveness for these control points that lead one to hop around from task to task and believe that they're sick with Attention Deficit Disorder. Thanks

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Day 182 - Justified Aside vs Emotional Movement

Today I found how even a mental aside can be justified, so it not always strictly, mental vs physical in the context of distractions. The self-honesty factor helps to discern when an aside is justified or a waste of time. More specifically, I ask myself is this side task contribute to what is best for all? If so, does it take priority over the primary task? If not, why am I allowing self-compromise? The reasons why one would deliberately compromise self are a struggle to deal with because those are the acts that are habitual, learned, desired, and are frustratingly not best for all. They typically lead to a temporary positive reward/feeling. Ay, there's the rub.

pic link

Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.

Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.

OK, design layout:

• Temporary positive distraction
• Temporary negative feeling placement

I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.

--

When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.

When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.

Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.

Thanks. Enjoy your process.

Day 181 - Physical aside vs. Mental jump

Thanks Kitty!  pic from Day 10

When I don't know what to write or how to begin one of these entries, I have realized the effectiveness of just simply beginning to write. This was a particularly cool moment of deciding what to write on today because my cat helped me out. I was just beginning to get into my writing about how it is that I jump from one task to the next in a moment of even the slightest resistance toward the initial task, and my cat that I call "kitty" interrupted me. I talked back to her, "you just creep up to me, cast a single 'meow' and get my attention so easily." I realized that I was just writing about distractions, but this was a different caliber of distraction.

Physically induced aside vs Mental jump. This is what I wrote verbatim in my journal after excitingly thanking her for helping me achieve the insight that inspired today's post :)

A physical distraction is much different than my own mental thinking distractions, yet also very similar in how they both take my attention away from the present task. A physical distraction is more acceptable in my opinion, and when a physical distraction is unwanted, it's easier to say no to. A mental distraction with an energy attached, for instance, the energy of curiosity, is very easy to follow, especially when faced with a more mundane alternative, primary task.

So, the prevalent point I've been working with: "Procrastination," has a new perspective that I intend to utilize to cross-reference when I am having trouble focusing on a task or daily set of tasks.

Adding perspective:
Why do I follow the mentally induced distractions? Appealing, interesting, more interesting, don't want to forget it, fear I won't get around to it, now or never, only productive in pursuing these mental asides while procrastinating a primary task. Ok, some good stuff to work with here.

Why do I allow myself to deviate from primary task? Resistance (could be many reasons; case-by-case exploration here): Unsure, uncertain, fear of wrong, fear of criticism, fear of less than great...[note here, mental haze into vague guessing of what others will think of my writing as I bite skin on middle finger, right hand], too much work, straining. Ok, I have work to do in demystifying* external work. I've placed all sort of pre-conceived notions of experience likelihood onto external work (in separation of myself).

*"demystifying" is a vocab term I learned from Neo-Tech, a $100 book I bought from a mail-flyer when I was in 6th grade, haha. It was a very hard read that I never finished, but I pulled some pretty helpful concepts of how mind/reality operates. I consider it to be one of the first stepping stones of my truth-seeking journey. As I remember it, to demystify was essential to freeing oneself from the mind-controlled way of life where we just follow suit with the rest of the populace. ...It's actually quite like the notion behind self-forgiveness, now that I look at it. Interesting. General mindset toward Neo-Tech from outsiders: "cult," haha.

Back to here. Now in this example of writing about 'demystify' as a distraction or side-track time sink: it was physically induced through writing. I suppose I kept it going via a mental choice, but how else would I write. I am writing from the starting point of free-flow-figure-it-out, so it's chill. It's not an extensive distraction within avoidance of the primary task of writing this post.

...another distraction, physically induced by music, I started a search on YouTube for the original version of Our Day Will Come. As I was watching the video, I realized myself within the distraction, traced it back to how it started, then decided to let it keep playing in the background while I log what just happened. Back to here, I realize that I can always come back to myself to direct myself. I can always trace the source of my distraction in self-honesty. Bring self back to here is THE KEY of keys.

So, all my struggles with procrastination can come down to self remembering self here; just before writing this sentence, I started closing open tabs that I no longer needed. This was a secondary task that was physically induced by sight, after responding to the end of the song and turning on another version of the song. All it takes is that moment of "what am I doing?" "what was I doing?" Self-check.

Now, furthermore and interestingly, I've been checking myself because of the content of my writing. As I continue to develop my relationship to myself within my physical breath, I will have a more stable cross-referencing point of self-honesty. That's the goal anyways.

Regardless of the type of distraction, I realize that I can always stop, breathe, and check why I have allowed my self to move within the deviation. Sometimes, this can feel out of control / overwhelming. Self-forgiveness need be applied here for allowing the energy of overwhelmingness to take control and misguide oneself into helplessness.

Ok, enough for now. Thanks for reading, and I'll continue tomorrow with the self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

Day 117 - The Sticky Black Hole, Out of Perspective

Photo credit: NASA

...When the effects of this mind construct I've deemed the sticky black hole are in motion, either I just don't see it or I do. When I do, I feel it. It's like I'm watching myself move backwards when I want to go forwards. I just allow it! The contradictory directions. The pull towards the distraction, and desire to get back on track suppressed as I move toward the desire. So, if I were to treat this as an addiction, which makes perfect sense, I'd have to walk out of it with the first step being admittance.

So, I admit there is a problem = stop hiding

2nd, identify all entrance points. Set red flags for each point of going into delay with self-interest

3rd, accountability.

Taking this and applying the tools I picked up from Desteni, I will write out the flagged entrance points. Why do I move into delay in this way? What am I avoiding, and why am I avoiding it? The writing will hold me accountable. The end point I have in sight is being able to still have fun, though without the suppressed responsibility on my back.

One motivation I see now, is how my work is more easily in a flow state when I have the clock pushing me. So, if I don't have a deadline as external motivation force, I experience real lag & resistance to accomplishing a particular responsibility. This addiction/routine shows me I've never actually been directing myself to do work by relying on my ability to do the bare necessity to get by. I justified this existence by loading up my time with as much positive experience as possible. Wasting time with friends/girls = justified as worthy of compromising myself because self-direction was a negative experience, and if I could 'get by' without it via successful procrastination, why wouldn't I? Sometimes my procrastination would lead to failure in accomplishing a given task, but it usually just lead to a rushed product, though I would always convince myself that is was good work.

Ok, before I let the overwhelmingness take hold (or the clock strike 12), I will stop here and take note of the patterns emerging, and continue with writing tomorrow some much needed self-forgiveness statements.

Yesterday:

• Day 116 - Sticky Black Hole

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.

--

When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:

1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'

There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.

Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire

Hot. The feeling of friction. When my body wants one thing and my mind wants another = resistance. The experience of diminished or faltering will. When my true will is perceived/labeled as a negative experience (i.e. homework), and my short-term, pleasure seeking will takes dominion. I now understand this to be the work of the mind within the framework of polarity. Pos/neg experiences that are only such because of a repeat allowance of my mind telling me "that's the way it is." Why/how? Well, that's what I'm figuring out: The root of all perceptual bias, based in specific past experiences. Taking this for granted, just letting the machine run = unintended consequence. Like procrastination. Without further ado:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work/homework/writing as a negative and tedious experience that is to be avoided or spent as little time with as I possibly can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative experience to the word 'tedious,' and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience to do what needs to be done according to what's best for myself and others, equally. This means 'pleasure seeking' as self-serving only, has no place other than as a life-distraction for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into seeking pleasure as a habit that is used when avoiding a negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through pleasure seeking, I am existing as a starting point of pain, so in relationship to procrastination, I hide the experience of pain associated with my work as I move toward the positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever wait until the last minute to do work, and in this not seeing that I've short changed myself out of an honest expression of myself within my work. Within the negative association that placed onto work, I suffered unnecessarily through the delay of that pain, trying to make it go away without having to honestly do the work. This is the way of the cheater that takes shortcuts and lies about it to hide the layers of experience created without understanding how or why experiences feel a certain way. I understand that it's all creations of my past, just gotta find where...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acquire the perception that work is a negative experience from parents/others, and for accepting that perception as valid, and for projecting that experience onto any and all work that wasn't immediately aligned with my self-interests.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rush through my process and delay facing the resistances, and temporarily hiding them from myself within a positive illusion. I commit myself to patiently walking through and writing down any resistance that gets in my way. I own it, I allow it, I stop it. Simple, the design is simple, yet from the perspective of limitation, the task seems daunting. tedious, hard, impossible, not worth the effort...ya, a limited perspective indeed, clouded by numerous thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Nice artwork by  Kelly Posey

When and as I see myself moving from self-direction into delay as the seeking of positive experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that within this act of procrastination, I've wrongly accused work as such a negative experience (within assumption or future projection) that my mind actively seeks positive experience distractions that do not benefit me within my process of self-realizing all as one. I commit myself to continue facing resistance. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance as mind to direct my actions from day to day. I commit myself to digging deeper into resistance, like fear of failure, wasting time, etc. and to patiently persist in facing them and letting them go. I am here. I direct me. Stopping the bullshit takes more courage than I initially estimated, so this is a process of unraveling layers and building momentum within the courage to persist as self-honest.

The mind is to predictable to be fun, "been there done that" sort of thing...until you're jaded.

Join me in the pursuit of doing what's best for ALL always. You owe it to yourself ;)