Day 406 - Lost in time, lots of the time

There's been a building pressure. A pressure to perform. A pressure to sound coherent, and integrated with all the information in my world. A perception of falling behind ensues. A few moments later, I'm stuck. Everything is ahead of me, and I can't catch up.

Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.

What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.

Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).

What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.

Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.

I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.

I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.

I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.

I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.

When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.

I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.


Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?

I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 376 - Resistance Toward Redefining LOVE

For context, read my last post to get the opening context for how I am opening up my relationship to love.

I have experienced a bit of resistance toward this LOVE redefinition process, and I wrote about the resistance and accidentally lost that initial writing when I refreshed my blogger page. I reacted to this with discouragement and delayed writing my next post even longer. Self-sabotage.

The plan is now to continue writing about my resistance toward this point, but I'm going to open up even more dimensions to it than I did initially. Those points were related primarily to fearing what others and past lovers would think about me, my philosophy and the direction I'm taking in my life in relation to LOVE. My writing and forgiveness process within it allowed me to see that I'm the one judging myself, which has been very disabling in my areas of this journey to life process. Behind this self-judgment was a lack of Self-Trust, which structurally looks like I've been allowing myself to continue to define myself based on what others do/say/think in reaction to my expression. I place my trust in others to reflect and define myself, my worth, my personality. If it wasn't so 'natural', I'd say it's insane.

My personal experience with the word LOVE also plays a significant role. The feelings and emotions that I associated with love were never stable, so I could never say for certain that I loved another because the feeling did not stand the test of time. I even used to say, "my definition of love upgrades with every relationship." Interesting that I used the word upgrades, which shows me that I've been climbing for higher and higher experiences of LOVE within each of my relationships. More on this in the next post.

Love as it is defined in various movies and media is really a peculiarity. They often depict the moments where that human emotion is strongest, and then there is some conflict, and then LOVE perseveres in the end. So now our culture has become obsessed with finding their happy ending. Reality is so much different, and yet we prefer ignorance because of a mental phenomena that allows us to quickly overlook reality before we even realize that it's real, and so go on with the delusion that feels right, that feels good. Self-Honesty would be to not overlook reality, no matter how much you may want to.

Another reason I was resistant toward writing this post is because I don't know enough about LOVE. "I'm too young. Too inexperienced. Too biased. Too detached." This general design of not knowing enough, or not being good enough is without question a mind pattern that must be stopped. It's rooted deep inside of my mind through my constant participation within it throughout my life. I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough to be able to accomplish many things, and for that I forgive myself.

From here, I realize that I create today fresh. Unconscious belief systems that tie me to my past conditioning are serious mind problem, and I choose to let them go through self-forgiving. The resistance I've built up to writing about LOVE is unacceptable. I let it go. I don't need to have perfect coherence and solid tie ins to the title within every sentence. This is surely a limitation on my self-expression in writing. Is limiting myself through judgments and rules an act of Self-Love? What is Self-Love? I'll continue with this in my process of redefining LOVE.

flickr photo credit

Day 360 - Full Circle

360°

When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?

At the beginning. At the starting point.

I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.

The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...

That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.



It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"

So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?

I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.

When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.

photo: deviant art

Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

photo source

Day 349 - Too Guilty to See Me Self-Honestly

BAM!! This is an intense point to open up. This point came up as a layer within my shortcut SF typing that I wrote about yesterday, but I can see this pattern activating in many areas in my life. So I'm going to define it for me here today, and empower myself to stop this self-sabotage pattern.

When I had chosen to not question my automated self-forgiveness shortcut program, it became something that I was hesitant to ask others about also. I stated yesterday that if I asked others about this, then I would have to actually face the point, and I didn't want to. But now, if I really slow this down, why exactly did I choose to not be open about this point in the beginning? It felt like taking a shortcut (not acceptable) and it also felt like a smart time-saver (ego, desire to move fast). The latter trumped the possibility of the former. This is another point in itself that is a general theme I've been dealing with and will continue to squeeze out of my existence until I have slowed down in fact, and am moving steadfast.

At the moment here, I am looking at an obstacle to being self-honest where instead of applying self-honesty, I disperse my attention into a guilt experience (of varying degrees) and move past the point without a real consideration. So this (ab)use of guilt has to be address. This is not an acceptable way to live.

To define this a bit more for myself. I experience guilt as an uncomfortable feeling. I get overwhelmed by it in a way and manage the emotion in that same way of moving from overwhelmed -> shut down, distracting myself with something else, or just moving on (suppressing it). It's interesting though how I even feel guilt for suppressing guilt! Layers of protecting my inner self-deception!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly suppress my guilt and not give myself the time to really investigate why the guilt is coming up in the first place and what the common sense, best for all option really is. Within this I forgive myself for feeling guilty about suppressing my guilt reactions, and thus suppress this meta-guilt in the same way so that I can reach a level of ignorance that feels significantly better than the experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make guilt more than what it is, and in that fear it and run from it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my guilt experience for what it is. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down, and breathe when guilt ensues.

When and as I see myself moving past or through guilt quickly, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am suppressing the guilt as a quick fix to get back to a more enjoyable state of being. I commit myself to start opening up all these points when and as I see a guilt suppression. When and as I see that I don't, I commit myself to come back to that moment in memory later in the day to get a closer, slower look at who I chose to be in that moment.

When and as I witness any particular resistance energy, I stop I breathe, and in that breath I check for the signature of guilt. I realize that I've move so fast through guilt that I don't yet have any stable reference to determine every movement of deeply buried guilt. I commit myself to self-honestly checking myself for guilt, shame, and any kind of similar self-judgment and self-sabotage when I experience myself "just wanting to move on" or feeling uncomfortable when facing a point.

I realize that there will be many points for which I will feel shame, and I commit myself to facing all of them from a self-honest starting point to discover who I am in relation to all things, and apply the living correction in alignment with what is best for all.

credit

I was fortunate to have been able to listen to this Guilt support interview live, in my final days visiting the Desteni farm. I recommend it.