Day 437 - Who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out insecurity, instead of investigating myself with the tools to allow my Life essence to come through, moving into and within Real Self-Confidence.

This is self-forgiveness statement from my personal writings today really stood out for me. It kind of captures this aspect of growing up, becoming a man, and leading my life with a sense of authority within myself. Fearlessness in my decisions to speak or move myself. The insecurity programming that I've been allowing within me, has me often taking the back seat in my life. I've been letting my outside world determine where I go, what I say and do. It's like I'm living for forces outside of myself, not giving myself any respect or worth or say in how I want to live. How do I want to live? Safely? Free from negative judgments from others? I'm sick of not knowing myself? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all I am is a shell of a man, a set of personalities that activate in relation to my environment to achieve self-interested ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am and believe that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build layers of self-protection upon layers of self-protection, within incredible fear, fear of being exposed, and to have lost touch with myself, not realizing that I am also the very fear that I've created as the layers of ego and characterized personality programs to hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept all of me that is here, within and without. I realize my equality of self inside and outside, and thus commit myself to acknowledging my inherent responsibility in creating my experience of and in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate WHO I AM from others, from politics, from all that is here manifested in this world - not realizing within this vantage point of separation, I am creating myself into the mind consciousness system, defining my individual ego standing in relation to everything else, limiting myself, my expression and my capacity to create significant change in the world.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to direct my insecurities and character flaws through a process of detailed self-investigation and self-forgiveness, so that I can own them, see me clearly, and create a correction plan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my insecurities, suppress them, act like everything is cool, and think that I'm winning.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace all of me, the good and the bad, and WORK to change myself and become better, to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my faults, and believe that they are real only through recognition, and so create an adverse relationship to self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I've become, not want to face it, and effectively bar myself from reaching my potential because I'm not even honest with myself about where I'm at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a day dreamer, judging myself by the potential I see I could become, and reject the reality of who I am today.

--

When and as I see that I am feeling low self-esteem, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all of me is here, and from within and as my breath, I can accept where I'm at, and work with releasing the layers of self-deception that I've constructed myself to believe I am. I commit myself to transmute any energy of feeling low or down about myself and where I'm at in life, into a resounding resolve to walk the Desteni process: identify my responsibility for what is here as me, forgive/let go, and move forward in creating myself with clear starting point and direction.

When and as I see myself believing this process is too hard, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am who I am in what I create in EVERY moment of thought, word and deed. I commit myself to apply breath when the going gets tough, to assist and support with orienting myself to creating the best version of myself.

When and as I see myself trying to escape the reality of who I am by orienting to creating positive feelings, I stop, I breathe. I realize that temporarily suppressing my dark moments of the soul is an action of me robbing me from a great opportunity to understand and transcend a significant layer of my self programming. I commit myself to the full realization that suppression is NOT the best way forward, and to move into the honesty of what is here as me, no matter how ugly/miserable it may be, so that I may put a real stop to it and end the cycle of self-abuse, one system at a time.

Day 349 - Too Guilty to See Me Self-Honestly

BAM!! This is an intense point to open up. This point came up as a layer within my shortcut SF typing that I wrote about yesterday, but I can see this pattern activating in many areas in my life. So I'm going to define it for me here today, and empower myself to stop this self-sabotage pattern.

When I had chosen to not question my automated self-forgiveness shortcut program, it became something that I was hesitant to ask others about also. I stated yesterday that if I asked others about this, then I would have to actually face the point, and I didn't want to. But now, if I really slow this down, why exactly did I choose to not be open about this point in the beginning? It felt like taking a shortcut (not acceptable) and it also felt like a smart time-saver (ego, desire to move fast). The latter trumped the possibility of the former. This is another point in itself that is a general theme I've been dealing with and will continue to squeeze out of my existence until I have slowed down in fact, and am moving steadfast.

At the moment here, I am looking at an obstacle to being self-honest where instead of applying self-honesty, I disperse my attention into a guilt experience (of varying degrees) and move past the point without a real consideration. So this (ab)use of guilt has to be address. This is not an acceptable way to live.

To define this a bit more for myself. I experience guilt as an uncomfortable feeling. I get overwhelmed by it in a way and manage the emotion in that same way of moving from overwhelmed -> shut down, distracting myself with something else, or just moving on (suppressing it). It's interesting though how I even feel guilt for suppressing guilt! Layers of protecting my inner self-deception!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly suppress my guilt and not give myself the time to really investigate why the guilt is coming up in the first place and what the common sense, best for all option really is. Within this I forgive myself for feeling guilty about suppressing my guilt reactions, and thus suppress this meta-guilt in the same way so that I can reach a level of ignorance that feels significantly better than the experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make guilt more than what it is, and in that fear it and run from it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my guilt experience for what it is. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down, and breathe when guilt ensues.

When and as I see myself moving past or through guilt quickly, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am suppressing the guilt as a quick fix to get back to a more enjoyable state of being. I commit myself to start opening up all these points when and as I see a guilt suppression. When and as I see that I don't, I commit myself to come back to that moment in memory later in the day to get a closer, slower look at who I chose to be in that moment.

When and as I witness any particular resistance energy, I stop I breathe, and in that breath I check for the signature of guilt. I realize that I've move so fast through guilt that I don't yet have any stable reference to determine every movement of deeply buried guilt. I commit myself to self-honestly checking myself for guilt, shame, and any kind of similar self-judgment and self-sabotage when I experience myself "just wanting to move on" or feeling uncomfortable when facing a point.

I realize that there will be many points for which I will feel shame, and I commit myself to facing all of them from a self-honest starting point to discover who I am in relation to all things, and apply the living correction in alignment with what is best for all.

credit

I was fortunate to have been able to listen to this Guilt support interview live, in my final days visiting the Desteni farm. I recommend it.

Day 343 - The way forward

Continuation of yesterday's post

I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself to walk this process steadfast, moving consistently from my existing mind-based reality living to physical living.

I commit myself to recognizing others as equals, as life, as the potential of their physicals.

I commit myself to realizing that I am not as great as I think I am.

I commit myself to breathe and do what needs to be done.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing a personal reaction to continue.

I commit myself to living what is best, and investigating why I am not, until it is done.

I commit myself to realizing my potential.

I commit myself to standing as the directive principle of my life.

I commit myself to living toward my utmost potential.

I commit myself to flag and stop any thought of inability, i.e. "I can't..."

I commit myself to recognizing when I utilize any distraction to facilitate suppression, to then stop it immediately, or flag for priority processing (meaning: write that night to open it up; write and speak meaningful self-forgiveness; write corrective application statements and live them)

I commit myself to participate within the groups that support what is best, in the relevant context, for all.

I commit myself to live responsibly.

I commit myself to live in a way that supports what is best for myself AND by considering other beings as an extension of self, supporting and giving to them as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to realizing who I am in the context of oneness and equality.

Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success

Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction

Today, I wrote an expansion on the components of resistance within my personal experience of it. The primary points I dug up are: Elusive, Justified & Uncomfortable. The order that they came up was interesting.

I find it hard to place myself within the awareness of myself when moving within an experience of resistance. As if I'm so quickly suppressing it that I can hardly even notice it. This is the first and most prominent layer.

Second layer is when I am aware of the resistance. Here, I allow myself to quickly find a way to be okay with my giving into the resistance -> desire outlet. In this, I know that I am not considering everything because I am having an internal fight with a bias for the excuse so that I so not have to face the resistance energy.

When the distraction excuses are not very good, I turn to face the point of resistance and this moment is quite uncomfortable. Here, I can see my mind race back to the 2nd layer, frantically looking for an excuse. This design is often why I find myself biting my nails or munching on candy. Perhaps the best excuse to not do work is related to social life.

This point of placing importance on the social scene deserves a lot of attention, but for right now, I'm just going to describe my related realization. Socializing is quite a positive experience for me. Fun with others is a positive experience that I prefer to doing hard work, obviously.

So, my realization of what needs to be done is to stop allowing myself to be recklessly thrown from negative experience into positive experience. How?

The first ideas to mind are:

• to firstly bring awareness to these moments
• by writing and applying realizations
• to expand my perspective of what's at stake, what the whole picture is, what are the consequences
• by slowing down & catching my breath
• to break down the relationships of +/- definitions toward
• hard work
• & the many desirable distractions

I've been doing the first point for a while now, and my awareness is slowly expanding; however, I have not been proactively living the change that needs to happen. The living application still needs work. I will best be able to apply my responsibility to myself through developing the relationship with my breathing.

The third point is a biggy! There are many +/- relationships that I've formed to numerous objects and experiences of particular situations. One bite at a time Dan.

For now, I'm going to leave this and attend a social event :)

Tomorrow I'll continue after further expansion to yield specific self-forgiveness statements and livable commitments to myself. What can I agree on with myself in relation to handling my experience of resistance?..

Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

Picture credit

Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform

Voluntary Embarrassment by Brittanysoup

Today, I had a lot to do, and a lot of time to do it all. It's embarrassing to admit...so I will, for the sake of self-honest investigation! I began the day with a solid work ethic/attitude, and it surprisingly decayed with the opportunity to allow it to.

Why did I allow distraction and mind system take over? Good question. I do not want to see this point. It is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? In my DIP lesson material this month, I took a closer look at embarrassment. At the base of it, embarrassment is really just a fear of change with fear of loss at the root. To phrase it practically: I have this idealized idea of myself, and when it doesn't align with how others see me, I lose that idealized idea of myself because my externalized self-definition (a.k.a. looking glass self) doesn't mach. I construct who I see myself as through the feedback of who I am according to how others perceive me, and yet I also formulate this internal idealized self image.

Now, taking a step back to look at this design: It appears that I am holding myself back from a stabilized work ethic by living with an internal friction, created by the internal idealized self and the external feedback self. This is a point of polarity, and there are a few dimensions within it. It's starting to get messy, so I'm taking this slow and writing out each detail as it becomes clear to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a strong and hard worker in separation of my actual lived work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this internal self-definition of strength as a positive work ethic when I cross reference with reality and what others would see/think of me if they were to know the truth of how I am actually spending my time. In this, I hadn't realized how others can be a point of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide from others the reality of myself as my lived application of myself to delay the onset of facing the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to maintain an internal, positive self-concept with the impression that by doing so, I can avoid the negative feeling of actual, lived underperformance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment and further compromise myself by suppressing the realization of the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive thinking as valuable. In the face of reality, a positive, internal self-concept is an illusion and a deliberate denial of the harsh truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been living in denial so that I could simply maintain an internal feel-good happiness that I was able to manifest most of the time, completely suppressing all the bad shit I didn't want to see/acknowledge/announce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I am completely honest with myself.
--
When and as I see myself within an internal friction/conflict of trying to maintain an internal, positive self image, I stop I breathe. I realize that by ending this battle, I can see what is really here. What am I trying to hide from others? Why? I commit myself to breathing and asking myself these questions in preparation for writing self-forgiveness to release the pattern of self-compromise of semi-deliberate ignorance.

When and as I see myself embarrassed, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've created an unstable self-definition that I am afraid to lose. I commit myself to digging deeper into all points of instability within myself while breathing. Without the breathing, I am impossibly lost in polarity, reaction and overwhelmingness to be able to clearly see my dynamic participation in the mind.

When and as I see myself in a state of stubbornly fighting for my positive/idealized, internal self image, I stop I breath. I realize this as a subtle, yet deliberate ignorance of reality. I realize this as avoidance. I realize this pattern for what it is. I commit myself to stop accumulating consequence by choosing to be self-dishonest in a moment of necessary humility.

For now, this is all I am comfortable committing to. I have realized a consequence of writing/speaking when it's not for self, with self, of self. Tomorrow I'l get into sounding self-forgiveness, getting to work, and stabilizing as the living word. Thanks for reading me.

Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical

It just occurred to me that I haven't been as physically grounded as I could be. It's a concept that I'm familiar with, but I have not really been applying it. The concept of 'being grounded,' is not grounded. My perceptions are often not lived. My knowledge acquisition is bearing minimal fruit.

This is a very general point, but it's chill because I don't judge myself for writing to generally as I had prior to yesterday. Now, I see that this is foundational work that is completely worth my time until I am abusing the generalized topic platform to avoid going into depth. I'll see this when I am writing the same stuff for the same points (time to go deeper). The main idea: I can walk a general point specifically :)

The goal here is...to basically just get started:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work within my head space, utilizing my mind to observe and bring perspective for the sake of knowing, not realizing that I'm blocking my physical participation while participating in my own mental world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the significance of physical participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place extensive trust into my mind processing to the point that I felt that my ability to comprehend was really what needed attention. I have always sought understanding for the moments when I might need to apply it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination for the sake of setting up social situations where I could use knowledge and information to 'win' a conversation. In this I have defined a central driving point to be better than others through knowledge and information that only practically served me to be superior in an imagined, possible situation/conversation/argument.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated to walk with Desteni so that I could realize my ego fulfillment of being 'right.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue the physical world because I do not like what I see, and instead retreat to the confines of my mind where I was "all knowing" and protected from the things I didn't want to see in the external and internal. My knowledge and information platform has never been complete, yet I would act as if it was. For that, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present with the external world, finding my internal world to be more comfortable. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a participant in the external. I had always referenced my internal first, and when I had to exert myself in the world, I was always less comfortable and full of doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I feared living in the physical world by creating multiple imagined scenarios where I was confident and strong in my self presentation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my internal world is not reality despite all the evidence that the external provided all these years. I would only ever pay attention to the confirmation of my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to orient my receptiveness and observations about my outer world participation when it suited my internal worldview..allowing any conflicting information produce a fleeting emotion of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress each moment of 'failure' in the context of the external world not being in alignment with my internal, imagined self-definition that I created in separation of real world context.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my insecurity comes from this point of not participating in the real world, at least in part. I am simply under practiced within and as real world participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be timid or lazy about speaking my self-forgiveness aloud, not realizing the power of the spoken word that is ground, here, into the physical.
--
When and as I see myself spending an extended period of time in my head contemplating social scenarios that are my imagined potentials of what reality could be or could have been, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here in this moment and responsible to direct myself according to what needs my attention in that moment. I commit myself to stop recklessly day dreaming about how things could be, and start using my mind beneficially to place myself in a situation and observe what comes up within me, note the reactions and attachments, speak the self-forgiveness and place myself back into that scenarios and see how I have changed and what still needs to be looked at.

When and as I see myself zoned out while in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am a current participant in this shared moment. I commit myself to stop fearing that I am less than others and within that fear go into an internal contemplative reaction instead of participating in ever physical, here moment.

When and as I see myself imagining how I am or will be superior in a social scenario, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to myself to expose who I am and why I am participating in this fictitious mental play out. I commit myself to continue investigating, in depth, my attachment/desire to be better/superior.

When and as I see myself "knowing it all," I stop I breathe. I realize this design as a positive feeling, and commit myself to flag point it. When the feeling arises, I commit myself to stop, breathe and direct the situation from an encompassing perspective, where I am not tailoring my speech in reaction to pride in such a way that I only confirm what I know. Blah. Not chill.

When and as I see myself physically frozen, contemplating my self-doubt/fear/inferiority, I stop I breathe. I realize myself here. I commit myself to supporting myself with my breath to be present with every word that is in my immediate environment (this will require practice, don't get discouraged. Rather immediately return to the present, and make a mental note to replay the scenario later in the day, and see how I could have acted differently according to the point that charges me).

When and as I see myself reluctant to put in the offer to speak my self forgiveness, I stop I breathe. I realize that not every situation will work for me to speak self-forgiveness, and I also realize this can easily be an excuse. I commit myself to giving myself more time to sound self-forgiveness aloud.

picture credit

Day 216 - Namaste = Respect Design

Tomorrow is my last day of my $30 month long trial at a local yoga studio. I have been going for the physical benefits, and have been trying to just simply ignore all "enlightened" spiritualism aspects; however, I found myself in a negative relationship toward this community of people. I've become annoyed, and that reaction is worth a serious investigation (link to be placed here). But for the moment, I would like to walk a point of showing respect for my yoga instructors.

In the world of spiritual identification, we use the word "Namaste" to convey respect. It's a ritual of placing prayer hands at heart center, bowing and saying the word to roughly signify my soul/spirit recognizes, honors and bows to your soul/spirit. So that's all groovy right? No it's not.

Why? The spirit is not who we are. We are the flesh. This a fundamental difference between religion and Desteni. I do not believe I am anything more than what is physically here. Yes, there is energy. Some people can even see the different colors of our auras. The mystical, mysteriousness indicates that it must be real, right? I once thought that these energies were the answer. I mean, they seem so great and powerful. When I started actually hearing the Desteni perspective of oneness and equality, it seemed legit but implied that I must stop my spiritual ascension process. If I was to keep up my identification with my energy body, that would mean that I am supporting separation within self-interest within fear. Contemplate that!

So, I do not respect the energy, the systems that we have become as self-interested robots continually covering up fear. I do not support myself as predictable energetic robot of mind, so why would I support that in you? The only reason I would respect, accept and allow you to be system is if I am wanting to protect  my own consciousness system. I no longer say Namaste. Join me in discovering who we really are as physical beings, as life, or remain enslaved to the apparent glory of energy that just seems too hard to let go of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the system design of respecting others as more than their physical from a starting point of separation and desire for validation of my own self-concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am operating from a point of wanting to be respected in return for respecting another, together validating our existence as "more than" the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than the physical and will conquer all fear by being a positive person, despite the evidence of how effective the yogic community has been in stopping world-wide atrocity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'respect' the good parts of another, not realizing that I am thus wanting to be respected for the good parts of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this perspective does not consider the reality, just the positive part, and in turn, we support the negative by overlooking it within self and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the world through being a positive person, not realizing that in so doing, I support (suppress/ignore) the negative polarity as evil in this world and in self. This is no real solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am giving my power away to the system of mind through respecting another / wanting respect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am being dishonest with myself by showing respect for other mind consciousness systems, and so desiring respect myself. Within this, I am not standing one and equal with others, and for that, I forgive myself. I have found myself within a self-compromising situation of unequal stance. I will go more into this when I get more into my negative relationship formation toward yogis.

--

When and as I see myself respecting another, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am being dishonest with myself in not seeing my starting point in separation of another, trying to maintain a respectable self-image. I commit myself to further investigating these subtle/buried points of self-interest.

When and as I see myself thinking that we are more than the physical reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that the appeal of these energetic perceptions are designed to lure us into consciousness enslavement. I commit myself to stopping the pursuit of higher and more energy as soon as I realize my breathing.

When and as I see myself accepting others as systems through respecting them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a flag point indicating a relationship of self-preservation of self as a system (fear of loss). I commit myself to finding where, and understanding why I accept and allow myself to respect others whilst ignoring or bearing with their aspects/beliefs of which I do not agree. Simply put: what am I trying to protect within myself by hiding aspects of another from my verbal consideration through selective, partial respect?

This yogic relationship will continue to be deconstructed in blogs to come. The system design of 'respect' will also become more clear as I continue to investigate my experiences through writing. Thanks for reading...I respect you as one an equal within the reading/writing of my expression.

*Photo found all over the internet; source unknown

Day 147 - Becoming Self-Honest

Q: What does this look like?

A: Every thought is considered.

When existing within the energy of a thought, it's like you just go with it, not taking a moment to breathe and see the thought in the entirety of its creation. We don't typically understand how the thought came up. We don't even like to take responsibility for them, often blaming the external reality as the cause of the thought.

We tend to miss the point of self in relation to the thought, and just go with the thought as if it is us, or we own it. Yes. We take ownership of our thoughts and conceptualize self in separation from what we think. This can look like judgment, fear, love, etc.

The point is, if we don't consider every thought, how can we be trusted as equal creators of the external reality. Our internals are so messed up with layers upon layers of self-deception within fear that we hide from thy neighbors. We are co-creators, one with all. Self-responsibility is essential.

Q: How does self-honesty come about?

A: Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider each thought as equal and one with myself as the creator, and to have instead simply allowed myself to exist within the feeling or emotion that was associated with the thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively focus on the thoughts that produced the most positive feelings and within this miss where I am in relation to the thoughts while I ride the positive feeling for as long as I can through selective thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in a negative thought-train whilst completely forgetting about my breath, not realizing that I've left reality to indulge in fear-based what ifs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get deeper and more specific, focusing most of my attention thus far on the general aspects of thought design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative emotion of self-judgment for not being effective within my corrective writing because I have shied away from thorough and specific, self-honest investigation of one particular thought design at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect failure to not seeing quick results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving slowly, not realizing why I desire to move quickly through this process of self-correction and alignment with best-for-all interest.

I see here that I've opened several points that can be taken much deeper to reach a thoroughness that I have not yet before pushed myself to do. The list:
- desire to move quickly through process
- fear of failure
- self-judgment
- lacking specificity and depth
- fear of future within what-if thought-trains
- selective thinking / thought suppression
- riding in the emotion/feeling --> not considering origin of thought

In self-honesty, I commit myself to the process of real-time assessment of:
- Why a particular thought comes up?
- Why did I allow myself to participate in the experience of the thought?
- What connections can I make to this thinking pattern?

In self-honesty, the answers to these questions should come easily. To promote self-honesty within and as me, I have to take the answers and follow through with them. Once I locate the pattern and it's components, I commit myself to writing and moving through self-forgiveness. As the layers open up, I continue, I persist.

I commit myself to showing all that I am self-responsible within my application of self-purification for self and all in creating best for all play-outs and correcting self-interested acts/speech that is dependent on energy in polarity where the other must lose so I can win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not see, realize and understand that best for all, as a way of life, is also self-interest. I realize that spite, and ego rewarding acts/speech is the self-interest that must come to an end within becoming self-honest. I commit myself to realizing how I am one with my thoughts, one with my neighbors, family and strangers, one with all life here on earth, etc. Until it is done. Until I can be proud of this existence as a whole. Until then, no bullshit. I will be watching my participation, until it is in alignment with oneness and equality. Then I participate strictly within the physical as breath, as utter self-honesty, where all thoughts are related to physical reality. Until I am directing self and thought as self here.

Still confused about Self-Honesty? There are some intensely supportive people on the forums. If you want to assist yourself with guided structure, I highly recommend this FREE course.

See you here.

Day 97 - Swirling in my head

When I don't write, I allow thoughts to swirl around in my head.

I smoked, right before doing this blog. It is a suppression. I didn't want to face the negative emotional conflict outflow of my own thoughts. So I leave here to go off into my own world of self insightfulness of thought. I like it. I enjoy how I get high, the feeling of it,, and I notice how there is a balancing thing going on here. I have a (will be) said amount of +'s for getting high and the -'s, well probably a fair share. I'll map this out now that I'm feeling ready to let go. One of the fears that was keeping me from wanting to expose this side of myself to the net, was how the opinions of me from 'others in my mind' might be that I must walk through what I state and be effective on the first try. Day 14-16, my little nail trio. I didn't hesitate with that because the negatives far out weighed the positives of the nail biting experience...unless the feeling is equal to the physical...shit.

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the positive feeling of chewing my nails by placing it in my mind as inferior to the superior physical damage going on, and so forget to consider the oneness and equality equation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself with the reaction "shit," because behind that negative view of my self 'why didn't I see this earlier' popped into my mind and quickly translated into this programmed shit response.

^ It's with this level of specificity I work towards. When I write, I catch myself. I see where and how my mind goes. Not in a sense that I am separate or in observer mode, but I can go back to kind of jog the experience again, and keep the writing flow going through the self-forgiveness. Many of my entries thus far were written sober, while many were not. It's funny (in the worst way possible) how some fears seem like a bigger deal than others, and so they just EAT away at us. I'm really done with allowing fears to ruin my life, this life, our life. As I continue to walk and build momentum within the courage to keep facing my fears, I realize that I can't hide anything. Haha! Nothing. So it all comes out. My super secret journal, published for all who care to see. haha, this is going to be fun...and I can already tell that there is going to be polar consequence for that :)

So, for now I will patiently walk myself through this design and addiction. I'm not looking forward to it. There are a lot of positive experiences in my past that have been associated with smoking the green smelly tree. Much in how I relate to others and much in how I relate to me....Woo, I shiver at the thought of how much I've been creating my self concept in relation to weed. It's doable. And I'm not going to give up. I will walk out of this addiction with the patience, honesty, and writing.

Sincerely thanks for reading.

Breaking this down and more self-forgiveness to come!

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