Day 343 - The way forward

Continuation of yesterday's post

I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself to walk this process steadfast, moving consistently from my existing mind-based reality living to physical living.

I commit myself to recognizing others as equals, as life, as the potential of their physicals.

I commit myself to realizing that I am not as great as I think I am.

I commit myself to breathe and do what needs to be done.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing a personal reaction to continue.

I commit myself to living what is best, and investigating why I am not, until it is done.

I commit myself to realizing my potential.

I commit myself to standing as the directive principle of my life.

I commit myself to living toward my utmost potential.

I commit myself to flag and stop any thought of inability, i.e. "I can't..."

I commit myself to recognizing when I utilize any distraction to facilitate suppression, to then stop it immediately, or flag for priority processing (meaning: write that night to open it up; write and speak meaningful self-forgiveness; write corrective application statements and live them)

I commit myself to participate within the groups that support what is best, in the relevant context, for all.

I commit myself to live responsibly.

I commit myself to live in a way that supports what is best for myself AND by considering other beings as an extension of self, supporting and giving to them as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to realizing who I am in the context of oneness and equality.

Day 340 - A Fall in Writing Commitment

Why have I been justifying the reduction of my direct writing of this blog? I have been "too" busy because of external factors that I am apparently a victim of, and within that I am showing myself that I do not yet understand my responsibility to direct myself within my external environment.

Another justification is that my decision to write a post or not has ramifications for solely myself. That I will only be delaying my process by 1 day..maybe 2, or 6. I've found by skipping a day, I have a much easier time skipping the next as well. Now, I've heard I'm not alone in my own little world inside my head, but I realize what that means. It's like I've been considering only what directly affect me or my self-concept and THEN NOT REALIZING IT. How is this possible? The feeling. It feels good, like a successfulness energy reward in the head.

This means that I've been walking my process according to how I feel. This is not an effective starting point because it is not stable for one, and for two, it's self-interest within a limited contextual framework of personal memories. It's a rather peculiar thing to realize myself as ego, as the 'I' that has formed relationships to a limited set of experiences that constitutes who 'I' am. This limited self-definition as a starting point for all my social interaction and self-movement is highly ineffective.

I realize now, there is an important thing to consider: Acting according to how I feel without investigating the reasoning, without checking the physical reality context, I am dooming myself to a fate of a reactive state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in a mental state of 'all that matters is me' not realizing my standing up in the context of all life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the meaning of what I am doing and who I am in relation to this Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to care about others within my process because all that matters is me and my relationship to myself. I've been investigating myself through my writing, and I ignorantly took a perspective that my motivation for doing this blog was for me alone, and that when others read my process, that they may benefit in their own isolated self process. There was a deliberate disconnect between my writing intent of self-support and the potential ripple effect of supporting others. I knew it was there, but I realize my responsibility in the context of all equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that my blog exists only for my benefit, and even though others may read it, I had separated myself from you the reader, not realizing how my existence is directly affecting you. This point was to protect my ego. To imagine that you are not significant, that the number of views or supporters that I get is just a number in a popularity contest, that IF I were to fail, I wouldn't have to take it personally.

So, interesting point that just opened up here. It's a big one and deserves additional attention. To take it personally within a context of social hierarchy. Basically, my starting point for my writing was: Will this advance or erode my social hierarchy position. And in this context, I've placed a failure to write quality blog posts in a reactive mental framework that protects me from taking it personally. It's like as I participate in this ego/self-definition polarity point, I aim for the positive, and mentally neutralize the negative to not have to take responsibility for my words unless I get positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my participation within the Journey to Life group as personal endeavor only, by placing others in separation of myself to function as just a number or impersonal data to boost my ego within some mental game of wanting to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to win. Within this, I realize that it's not about winning. This is the old program that I placed in my mind when I defined and designed my relationship to 'success'. To reprogram myself into my updated version of 'success' that exists in alignment with what is best for all, I commit myself to continue deconstructing all of my old inner personality relationships to words, so that I may realign myself and my active living, my participation here as one and equal with all life to simply be what is best for everyone. I only have to give up my fears.

So, today I've unwrapped my relationship to blogging a bit more. I can tell that if I'm going to really walk this process, which is a decision I've already made, I'm going to have to actually live my written words. That is a critical aspect. A disconnect here will not produce the results that I expect from myself. I commit myself to realizing that this is a lived process where I take my words and live them, I investigate my past experiences and the relationship between them and self, to discover who I am as a limited expression of mind, to embody the living expression of self as life.

Enjoy the process.

Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
--
When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

photo credit

Day 218 - Truth-Seeking Personality Design

I'm meeting a lot of resistance with this point. I wanted to simply open up my relationship to truth, and spent 2 days collecting my approach and ended up posting a prelude yesterday. I'm finding it easy to become overwhelmed with the extent that I have defined myself as a seeker of truth, but this point of overwhelmingness/too much is a mental design I'm quite familiar with at this point.

I will not accept and allow myself to be stopped by this puny little program of resistance any longer. When it does, I stop I breathe. I realize the statement I am making of who I am when faced with and moved by resistance. If you have had enough of this laziness energy steering your life, I recommend you research what is really going on in your head so you are prepared and then able to stand up and say no to this habitually ingrained mental pathway. This EQAFE interview was super supportive on the resistance point as well.

On with it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am not the first/only person to seek Truth and that many religions are in place because of this innate desire to understand what is true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that truth and deception are polar opposites of the same system, and thus are one and equal. This is how religions have been able to deceive with truths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that truth is mystical and somewhere out there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been seeking truths outside of myself because I did not want to face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a beautiful truth that is powerful and superior, so that I could use this truth to become powerful and superior, so that others will be attracted to my truth-saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely ego invested in my search for truth so that others, specifically my skeptic peers, will eventually submit to my superior knowledge of what is true and what is deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not cleared up my starting point within my relationship to Desteni, and have carried on within separation to satisfy my thirst for truth so that I may be right and others wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I had been defining my self-worth through my ability to acquire True truths that are superior, and that within this, my starting point self-definition was inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worthless and inferior if I do not obtain something superior. I thought that superior truth would make me superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the Truth of myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to utilize truth to deceive others that I am superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what actually true exists here in every moment of my breath.
--
When and as I see myself in a belief system design of truth, I stop I breathe. I ask myself "who am I within this?" Why do I stand in a relationship to truth? I realize where I have separated myself from truth is often ego-related desire to be right/superior. I commit myself to bringing myself back to my breath to understand the truth of myself for me in that moment.

When and as I see myself in separation of the truth from the starting point of lacking knowledge about who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-truth does not exist outside of myself, that is deception. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself and others with knowledge based truth. I commit myself to understanding self-truth and sharing it when appropriate as when it's supporting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to be special and superior so that other's will follow my and confirm/validate my self-worth, I stop I breathe. I realize that desire for truth is self-dishonest. I commit myself to investigating the truth of self as what is here in each moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself arguing with a jaded skeptic over what is truth, I stop I breathe. I realize that what is best for all in this scenario may be walking away, as the energy of mind has diminished shared ability for mutual understanding. I commit myself to only speaking of the self-truths I have found when others are willing and ready to listen. This will be clearly indicated by others asking questions. And unless, I have walked this point of understanding, I have no business guesstimating answers based on referencing a limited information database within my memory. This is abuse of communication; a severe reduction in the value of the spoken word. Self-dishonest, self-compromise.

When and as I see myself motivated to find truth because I want to prove others wrong, I stop I breathe. I realize that my starting point within separation will distract me from self-honestly investing my self for myself. I commit myself to bringing my starting point and motivation back to self before proceeding with my self-investigation.

I write. I open up my mind for me to see. I move from the starting point of my breath to support myself and others in discovering the truth of self from self's perspective in self-honesty. Consider the truth character officially opened. TBC

photo from deviantart

Day 179 - Self Pride

I've clarified for myself that I am walking several dimensions of my procrastination character. In the past month I've opened a lot up but I haven't been seeing it through. I have been advised by my DIP Buddy to write out and complete one point at a time, as this is the general general suggestion that has worked for those that have already been walking process for longer than I. It makes sense cause, once it's done, it's done and no time is being wasted trying to energetically maintain a physicalized idea of self-change. This is what I did for the month after I "stopped" biting my nails. Obviously, there are many more layers that I need to investigate/discover and work through (forgive and correct) before I can stabilize within real self-change. I have had success stopping habits (alcohol & drugs) without addressing all of the layers behind it, but I will need to dig up and let go of any attachments to memories, because currently, I am suppressing various mental images because I haven't spent the time to investigate the source of accepted/allowed self-definitions & fears.

Yesterday, I started looking at how disappointment in myself has been an accepted and allowed barrier to changing myself. Today, I'm going to balance the negative energy with the polar opposite positive energy: Pride. I haven't written a whole lot about any positive energies, mostly due to being unfamiliar with how to and/or not wanting to let go of them, but I'm ready to start.

cc

So, pride hasn't been realized as a barrier to productivity yet so I'm going to explore a bit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be prideful when I make other happy or think positively of me.

Haha, ok, that opened up a clear path. My mind went straight to how I place an emphasis on making others proud of me, and then to how that is a limitation within an authentic expression of myself within doing work. There is forgiveness to be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how others see me and my work efforts, such that I miss myself and do work because of others. I have long only worked for others' positive judgments of myself. Ahh. (breath out)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and value on how others view my work, where in doing this I am not working directly for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for others' judgments about me, not for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please others first and foremost, and define success by how well others are pleased and happy because of me and my actions.

Dang, I literally defined success as making others pleased with my performance rather than simply considering myself only. By only considering how my actions feel within me in self-honesty, there is no point of comparison to feed pride to the ego, whereas when the starting point and emphasis is on other, I am ego within comparison. Look how fun this is to just write and self-realize shit :)

I think this mostly started in childhood, you know, trying to please the parents. There is a link to Day 62 that needs to be here, and I will continue to work with pride later on. I'm working on productivity related concepts at the moment, remember?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work for others reactions that I could internalize as validation/proof that my actions were right/successful, and ultimately that I am right and successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to work with positive energies and hence limit myself investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in other's opinions of me and undervalue or even completely miss my self-honest opinion of myself in the process.
--
When and as I see myself being lazy because I am faced with no opportunity to please others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person that needs to be pleased by me within self-honesty, meaning that I am considering all aspects of how my action(s) are effecting everything and is best for all within that common sense consideration. I commit myself to redefining why I do work, so that I am working for me alone within the reference point of 'best for all.'

I commit myself to stop placing others before me to determine if I am successful.

I commit myself to take on my pride character, piece-by-piece, patiently, and miss nothing.

I commit myself to pleasing myself :)

Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to try to force others to see the merit of walking the process of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doing the good thing by telling others what they should do, not realizing the importance of walking process for self alone and how other's must walk it for themselves alone, too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have bee stealing the moment of self-realization away from others by imposing what I think is the realization for them in their context, where I'm only really providing a solution that isn't considering everything, and so it fuels their drive to debate/argue/find their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my impulsed thoughts without considering what's here in the context of all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ignore by breath and follow the energetic rise within me as "thought + feeling of right -> speaking it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and investigate the reactions within me in how they relate to who I am / where I am in process of discovering self as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help others before I've helped myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "if only I get a bunch of others to join desteni, then I've been a worthy contribution and my my application of myself is not as important."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've justified my advocacy character of placing others before self, and equated self as less, and so not worth my time.

This is a cool realization. The math of it looks like this: I am 1 person, but up against 10 others, I am less. Here, I did not realize oneness and equality, where 1 = all, so I = 10 others. Or 10 others is equal to my process. Only in limitation of separation am I able to hide as 1 up against 10, where 10-1 = 9 and is an overwhelming majority, and so justify not having to do work. :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in overwhelmingness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal with all. Each one is the all, and all is all, so all = 1. No separation. So I could say that if I don't walk process, no one walks process. And so, I commit myself to walking process for me alone (because alone = all one).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I cannot change others nor is it my responsibility to change others outside of me. If I stand in separation of another, I am out of line in trying to change them, where I am basically robbing them of their opportunity to self-realize, delaying process as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am prolonging process by trying to be help others before I help myself. I commit myself to STOP this in one moment, repeatedly.

When and as I see myself attempting to solve another's problems within a hasty mental grasping of the the problem outside of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that it is their responsibility to solve their own problems as they choose. I commit myself to attempting to only solve my own problems and assist others only when I am one and equal with the solution, and not trying to solve their issue from a self-interested starting point within separation (essentially, trying to prove to myself and other that I am smart and able to quickly solve new problems)

When and as I see myself justifying my impulse to help others with problems because I think they will move faster...oh snap, I've been doing this for a long time...justifying my egoistic aide...I stop this, I breathe. I now realize that I am not helping, and rather, I am not helping myself when I should be. I see how I am compromising self and other by standing in separation and not truly seeing myself or other as I just speak as.within the energetic impulse thought of reaction. I commit myself to turning back to myself within any and all charges/reactions toward other's problems.

When and as I see myself feeling praise or looking for praise in solving another's issues, I stop I breathe. I realize that WHEN ASKED, I can help if I understand the entire context and simply share my perspective without seeking praise. I commit myself to recognizing when an answer results in a positive feeling within me, and I commit myself to then investigate what my relationships are within that context to see where I have defined myself in limitation. I commit myself to forgive all self-definitions of separation that charge beliefs of who I am in relation to others. If I learn to be a mechanic, then I obviously will know more about something than someone else, but this is no longer accepted to charge my belief that I am separate and more than. Different and equal will come to define my evolution this year.

When and as I see myself in allowance of the movement of becoming overwhlemed, I stop I breathe. There is no excuse. I am not the energy of overwhelmed. I am not the victim of energy. I am stable. I am here. I am this physical existence and equally my mind.

So, I welcome my mind to assist and support me. I no longer accept and allow myself to be moved by the mind without consideration. I will investigate all points of self in relation to oneness and equality. Until it is done.

When and as I see myself in separation of another, within reactive speech, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am following a mentally impulsed thought based on memories. I commit myself to the correction process that will take much work, by following each thought-impulse back into myself to discover the source of the program within me, forgive myself for creating it, either directly or by conditioned allowance, and walk the change as the expression of my self-willed self-direction within the common sense alignment of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself as less, I stop I breathe. I realize there are an extensive amount of circumstances where this applies. I commit myself to investigating all of them.

When and as I see myself stealing an opportunity of self-realization from another, I stop I breathe. I reconsider who I am in relation to the point. I commit myself to speaking from a breath, rather than a thought. I commit myself to doing self-forgiveness for whenever I follow/become/express a thought as me, so that I may ultimately realize myself as the breath of the physical.

Enough. I've had enough writing and I bet you had enough reading (unless you just skipped to the end).

Tomorrow I will check my relationship to haste and close this series, unless, of course, it needs more attention. Thanks.

P.S. Today's focus topic was determined yesterday but written after listening to Cats 3, and this particular interview certainly influenced the realizations written above. I recommend this interview.

free use photo from flikr

Day 158 - Social Before Self...Why?

Continuing with the same theme in Day 25 - The social appeaser and several other days in between, I need to continue to lay down this design.

Last night stayed out later than I would have liked, and wasn't in control of my behavior as I submitted to female advancements. The story isn't as important as the forgiveness, let's go!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people at the bar as "slimy" on the basis of just wanting to get sex, and for not allowing myself to realize that I too was scanning for potential sex mates. Always bringin' it back to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others because I do not drink alcohol. I have been continually allowing myself to suppress the ego-reaction that I think more highly of myself because of this, not realizing that I am no better or worse because others are using a "resource" to feel a release from their inhibitions, while I just refuse to use alcohol and still have the inhibitions. So, I forgive myself for allowing myself to have half solved this problem-point of social anxiety/fear of judgement, for which others justify using the "social lubricant."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually compromise myself by placing the importance of socialization much higher than being responsible for my health, primarily sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not further investigate why I allow myself to justify self-compromise for socialization. I am thinking that this is related to the belief that my here-now relationships with others are more important to my relationship with my total self. Being responsible is delayed as I brainlessly place others before me, in part because of my self-interest in them liking me...and also because I want to fix everyone's problems.*

*I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to want to "fix everyone's problems," and not realize that is because I crave the ego boost of "able to solve any given problem."

Oh boy, lots opening up here. Ok, so I need to fix others so I can think highly of myself...not so I can actually help others purely. I commit myself to deleting the character that yearns to help others for that feeling of "I am great, I can solve anything," and realigning myself to be an expression of the self-help that I have walked as/within, seeking no mental gratification or reward. Simply helping as I have helped  myself first and share to honestly, simply assist and support others as me, as all is one and equal.

When and as I see myself trying to solve someone's problem from the starting point of wanting to be right/correct/smart, I stop I breathe. I realize that only when I have learned through experience and have actually walked equal with that particular point, am I able to dispense any wisdom of value to another. I commit myself to sharing only the perspective that I have with an unconditional non-investment of how I will feel if the other chooses to accept or not accept what I have to say.

When and as I see myself in a bar scene having trouble relaxing with the crowd, I stop I breathe. I realize that from one perspective I am as drunk as the whole environment ("contact high") and I need not to participate in the mind as the thoughts that everyone around me is trying to suppress with alcohol (*this point will be detailed in posts to come). I commit myself to exposing to myself and others all of the thoughts that justify drinking alcohol so we can be "free" of the negative experience of them, so we can just dance and get sex. Haha.

When and as I see myself in separation from those around me at the bar, I stop I breathe. I realize that we are all there for a limited set of reasons. I commit myself to walking through each related point of the bar scene so that I can share with others my honest perspective of the moment and just simply enjoy myself in these situations (without alcohol).

I commit myself to put process before self-interest, before desire for sex, so that I may interact with the life that is here in all.

I commit myself to repeatedly giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness, so that I may simply breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold, and repeat as I live each moment with awareness of my physical body here. I realize this is not an overnight process, and I commit myself to allow myself the steadfast patience and to not judge myself for where I fall; rather, learn from my falls as I get up and take the next breath.

photo credit: ryumu

Thank you.