Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

cc photo

Day 309 - Time Management

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive when it comes to time management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about not having enough time to accomplish everything I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had more time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the oneness and equality of myself as the only solution to effective time management

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for wasting my time, and in this creating a negative charge on being social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate responsibilities through social justifications so that I can confirm my belief that others are the reason why I have difficulty with time management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this moment here, not realizing the capacity of my creative potential in every here-moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself and cheat myself out of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly allow vague justifications that are coupled with a temporary alleviation of the resistance energy-feeling experienced when facing a responsibility/work task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment here, forget the net sum of all that I want to do.

In one week, I'll report use changes.

I commit myself to writing out all my goals. I will do this in two forms, one of which had been missing, the other, inconsistent. The missing one is a list of general to-do that is not time/day specific. The inconsistent one is my day-specific task lists. This one is typically too idealized (not practical) or it is empty. On rare occasions it is completed, and it feels good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good / bad according to my efficacy levels with regards to completing my daily task list, not realizing how I am removing myself from simplicity of utilizing this tool to practically and effectively manage my time.

I commit myself to continue utilizing this daily task list in a way that effectively assists and supports me to accomplish tasks.

When and as I see myself not using or not completing my daily tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to slow down and consider why I am not using this tool effectively. I commit myself to support myself through the effective use of written time management tools.

The stream of to-do that isn't adhered to a specific time will be experimental. The idea is to write down everything to provide a sense of what I could, should, and need to be doing, and as I examine the list, I can place tasks and sub-tasks into my daily planner.

Another point I'd just come to realize the significance of is task to time frame planning. In the past I've only scheduled in written times when I had appointments. I haven't ever blocked of a specific hour for specific self-directed tasks, other than this blog - which typically defaults to the last hour of the day because of reasons/motivations I haven't fully come to terms with.

When and as I see myself wandering aimlessly through time, either via personal delay or social justification, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the ability to direct myself effectively in the context of all. I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to see, realize and understand the bigger picture so that I am able to give context to my efforts, and lack thereof. This is to be accomplished in part by writing my objectives. This will expand, evolve and be refined as I practice. Effective time management is a critical key of success.

Support what is best for self and all.

Write, practice, perfect.

Day 158 - Social Before Self...Why?

Continuing with the same theme in Day 25 - The social appeaser and several other days in between, I need to continue to lay down this design.

Last night stayed out later than I would have liked, and wasn't in control of my behavior as I submitted to female advancements. The story isn't as important as the forgiveness, let's go!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people at the bar as "slimy" on the basis of just wanting to get sex, and for not allowing myself to realize that I too was scanning for potential sex mates. Always bringin' it back to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others because I do not drink alcohol. I have been continually allowing myself to suppress the ego-reaction that I think more highly of myself because of this, not realizing that I am no better or worse because others are using a "resource" to feel a release from their inhibitions, while I just refuse to use alcohol and still have the inhibitions. So, I forgive myself for allowing myself to have half solved this problem-point of social anxiety/fear of judgement, for which others justify using the "social lubricant."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually compromise myself by placing the importance of socialization much higher than being responsible for my health, primarily sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not further investigate why I allow myself to justify self-compromise for socialization. I am thinking that this is related to the belief that my here-now relationships with others are more important to my relationship with my total self. Being responsible is delayed as I brainlessly place others before me, in part because of my self-interest in them liking me...and also because I want to fix everyone's problems.*

*I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to want to "fix everyone's problems," and not realize that is because I crave the ego boost of "able to solve any given problem."

Oh boy, lots opening up here. Ok, so I need to fix others so I can think highly of myself...not so I can actually help others purely. I commit myself to deleting the character that yearns to help others for that feeling of "I am great, I can solve anything," and realigning myself to be an expression of the self-help that I have walked as/within, seeking no mental gratification or reward. Simply helping as I have helped  myself first and share to honestly, simply assist and support others as me, as all is one and equal.

When and as I see myself trying to solve someone's problem from the starting point of wanting to be right/correct/smart, I stop I breathe. I realize that only when I have learned through experience and have actually walked equal with that particular point, am I able to dispense any wisdom of value to another. I commit myself to sharing only the perspective that I have with an unconditional non-investment of how I will feel if the other chooses to accept or not accept what I have to say.

When and as I see myself in a bar scene having trouble relaxing with the crowd, I stop I breathe. I realize that from one perspective I am as drunk as the whole environment ("contact high") and I need not to participate in the mind as the thoughts that everyone around me is trying to suppress with alcohol (*this point will be detailed in posts to come). I commit myself to exposing to myself and others all of the thoughts that justify drinking alcohol so we can be "free" of the negative experience of them, so we can just dance and get sex. Haha.

When and as I see myself in separation from those around me at the bar, I stop I breathe. I realize that we are all there for a limited set of reasons. I commit myself to walking through each related point of the bar scene so that I can share with others my honest perspective of the moment and just simply enjoy myself in these situations (without alcohol).

I commit myself to put process before self-interest, before desire for sex, so that I may interact with the life that is here in all.

I commit myself to repeatedly giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness, so that I may simply breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold, and repeat as I live each moment with awareness of my physical body here. I realize this is not an overnight process, and I commit myself to allow myself the steadfast patience and to not judge myself for where I fall; rather, learn from my falls as I get up and take the next breath.

photo credit: ryumu

Thank you.

Day 25 - The social appeaser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my own intentions, concerns and desires when in the presence of others that I want to like me because I am overly concerned with their judgments of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and surmise others' thoughts/judgments toward me by using my self judgment as a guessing framework and also from various points of information collected about the particular relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use information to define my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the power of just being myself, one and equal with my breath, my mind, the other person's mind, as well as the other person's breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to dedicate lots of energy to becoming cool so that I might have an easier time in the social world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek that easy way out. < that's for another time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with myself in expressing myself in every moment regardless of how I may perceive others' to perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making negative impressions of myself within others' minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of discomfort when I haven't conformed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others' reactions to my expression; within this, I forgive me for accepting and allowing me to behave differently.

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I commit myself to a self-honest expression of myself, meaning that others' opinions and reactions to me shall not hinder my freedom within common sense reason.

I commit myself to STOPPING the discomfort I create as an internal experience when others' interject their beliefs at me.

I commit myself to STOPPING trying to guess what others' might be thinking about me, so that I may remain here within and as my breath.

I commit myself to showing myself and equal respect/regard as I do for others.

I commit myself to not making snap judgments and not using limited information to judge another's character.

I commit myself to no longer defining relationships based on information. Nothing but what's here will be real. No mental BS telling me the way it is or is supposed to be, not any more

I commit myself to taking this stand, and catching my mind in action as to promote the most pure relationships with others and myself, equally.