Day 461 - A friend, twisting my arm

I am stupid.

I have been only deepening my possession in the mind by not writing my blog.

A dear friend, stubbornly lead me to this blank blogger page, after I childishly said "no" ~7 times, he warned me that he we would give up if I said no once more. My tricky, yet effective friend.

I asked him, "ok, now what do I write?"

"I am stupid."

And the ball was rolling. I wrote the second line all on my own, and promised to keep writing.

He kindly reminded me "Self-Trust is based on following through on the promises I make," and we ended the 2-hr call so I could finish the long-overdue post.

I had to wade through so much resistance, it is comical that this effort was successful. I couldn't see it coming. It wasn't self-initiated, which is one of the main reasons I justified the resistance. For if I was not the starting point, then the whole thing must be invalid. It's nuts how effective my self-created excuses can be!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a strict definition of what the acceptable parameters are for me to create a blog post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and nurture my mind, as the excuses and justifications for why I need to limit my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be consistent with my writing process, and if I am not, then I should not write at all - and through this belief, sabotage my writing efforts because even just doing one post feels like a MAJOR commitment, as if writing one post means I have to write all the posts in my future too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future, and create a feeling relationship of BURDEN if I am to uphold the vision I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to operate as this ego-projection, and sabotage my efforts in the moment by thinking that I must commit to something that I do not believe I can do, because I have not done it in my past.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am HEAVILY participating in EGO by seeing myself as my past and my future, and completely missing me, here, in the moment.

I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to the recognition that all I have of myself that is real, is here, in the moment.

I commit myself to remembering that the feeling of insecurity arising from my past, and the feeling of greatness I project into my future, is all BS ego play. I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to opening up my blog when I have something to write.

I commit myself to writing on other platforms when those moments arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should be writing on a different platform, to expand my reach and readership - and within this, create conflict that leads to further justifying and bolstering my resistance to writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing there.

I commit myself to not fear wasting my time writing in one spot or the other.

I commit myself to writing in many places.

I commit myself to continue walking my Journey To Life Blog, for me and for all to see.

Thanks buddy.

Day 435 - A Fresh Start

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to the past, find comfort and security in what is known, and so fear the creative self-movement in the here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself to direct my creative capacity within the sea of potential that exists in each moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT embrace the potentials in each moment, and so give in to fear and limitations of comfort.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace each new day as a fresh start, a blank canvas for creation.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself see, realize and understand the potential to start fresh in each moment, in every breath - to within this access my highest living potential and direct myself specifically in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that this is too tall a task, and so give into the mind, allowing the my past programming to be the authority within my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the mind, and repeat patterns of self-abuse because I have been too afraid to embrace the creative potential of a fresh start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be good enough when and as I take creative authority as the directive principle of life.

--

When and as I see myself fearing the potential saturated moment here, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can slow my mind down within the breath, and give myself more time to discover my optimal self-direction in any given moment. I commit myself to remain slow, giving, forgiving, and always willing to substantiate the best for all potential within a fresh start.

When and as I see myself in repeating patterns, substantiating the patterns of the past, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can broaden my perspective and consider more supportive ways. I commit myself to really giving my best effort to choose and direct myself to support what is best for all life here.

When and as I see my personal, inner-baggage interfering with my self-directive capacity to substantiate best for all movement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that even with walking my process at maximum resolve, in every breath, I still have a long way to go. I commit myself to constantly reassessing myself, my actions and my choices to cross reference them with the best for all simulations, so that I do not misstep for any extended periods of time.

When and as I see myself holding onto the past, I stop, I breathe. I realize the power and significance of orienting to 'here forward.' I commit myself to create me anew, until my living is purely aligned with the expression of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop fearing my potential. I commit myself to embrace my potential. I commit myself to stop sabotaging my process. I commit myself to clearing my head for a fresh start, when and as needed. I commit myself to walk what is here, and create a world that is best for all.

Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

No more.

(If you insist on listening to the song while you read my blog, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND DO SO!)

I'm going to do a special post today for Valentines Day! Yippy!! To open up a point as big as love required some research on my part, so I'll sum up the key points to the best of my ability today (to get you hooked) and then in the several following posts, I'll expand on what I currently see in this construct.

Briefly, In my own experience, "love" was not a quantifiable concept. I experienced it as unstable and fleeting at best. Perhaps some might say I never knew "true love." My parents loved me, in the obvious subtle kind of way. They weren't keen on overtly expressing their love, except occasionally. It is my theory that my mom learned from her mom that love is care is worry is prevention is making sure I eat my vegetables and stay safe from harm. You know? Kind of doing all she can to ensure I have the best chance to be successful in my life.

This form of love didn't translate so well into the early dating phases of my life. I felt near clueless about what love entailed, and how to approach girls with a display of my potential to give them love. Through time, I acquired more of an understanding of what girls expected, and I become fairly good at giving them what they wanted. It was damn near mathematical.

But math isn't love!? Isn't it? I don't want to ruin your Valentine's Day or anything, but can you honestly say that you have investigated what love is or what you expect from someone who loves you? Could you define it on paper? I know that I haven't even tried doing that before, and today marks the first day of my true investigation of how I have lived 'love' in my life. Through this specific self-introspection, I will be able to see where I am at in relation to love (what it means, what I expect, what I project, etc.) and then be able to redefine love within a starting point perspective of oneness and equality in the physical.

This post is just to wet your whistle and get you thinking about how you have been living the word Love in your life. Upcoming, I will expand on my research and relate everything to my own experience in life thus far; and from there, define and align the solution as a physically expressed, stable form of Love in the context of Self and All, Equal and One.

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

cc photo

Day 340 - A Fall in Writing Commitment

Why have I been justifying the reduction of my direct writing of this blog? I have been "too" busy because of external factors that I am apparently a victim of, and within that I am showing myself that I do not yet understand my responsibility to direct myself within my external environment.

Another justification is that my decision to write a post or not has ramifications for solely myself. That I will only be delaying my process by 1 day..maybe 2, or 6. I've found by skipping a day, I have a much easier time skipping the next as well. Now, I've heard I'm not alone in my own little world inside my head, but I realize what that means. It's like I've been considering only what directly affect me or my self-concept and THEN NOT REALIZING IT. How is this possible? The feeling. It feels good, like a successfulness energy reward in the head.

This means that I've been walking my process according to how I feel. This is not an effective starting point because it is not stable for one, and for two, it's self-interest within a limited contextual framework of personal memories. It's a rather peculiar thing to realize myself as ego, as the 'I' that has formed relationships to a limited set of experiences that constitutes who 'I' am. This limited self-definition as a starting point for all my social interaction and self-movement is highly ineffective.

I realize now, there is an important thing to consider: Acting according to how I feel without investigating the reasoning, without checking the physical reality context, I am dooming myself to a fate of a reactive state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in a mental state of 'all that matters is me' not realizing my standing up in the context of all life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the meaning of what I am doing and who I am in relation to this Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to care about others within my process because all that matters is me and my relationship to myself. I've been investigating myself through my writing, and I ignorantly took a perspective that my motivation for doing this blog was for me alone, and that when others read my process, that they may benefit in their own isolated self process. There was a deliberate disconnect between my writing intent of self-support and the potential ripple effect of supporting others. I knew it was there, but I realize my responsibility in the context of all equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself that my blog exists only for my benefit, and even though others may read it, I had separated myself from you the reader, not realizing how my existence is directly affecting you. This point was to protect my ego. To imagine that you are not significant, that the number of views or supporters that I get is just a number in a popularity contest, that IF I were to fail, I wouldn't have to take it personally.

So, interesting point that just opened up here. It's a big one and deserves additional attention. To take it personally within a context of social hierarchy. Basically, my starting point for my writing was: Will this advance or erode my social hierarchy position. And in this context, I've placed a failure to write quality blog posts in a reactive mental framework that protects me from taking it personally. It's like as I participate in this ego/self-definition polarity point, I aim for the positive, and mentally neutralize the negative to not have to take responsibility for my words unless I get positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my participation within the Journey to Life group as personal endeavor only, by placing others in separation of myself to function as just a number or impersonal data to boost my ego within some mental game of wanting to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to win. Within this, I realize that it's not about winning. This is the old program that I placed in my mind when I defined and designed my relationship to 'success'. To reprogram myself into my updated version of 'success' that exists in alignment with what is best for all, I commit myself to continue deconstructing all of my old inner personality relationships to words, so that I may realign myself and my active living, my participation here as one and equal with all life to simply be what is best for everyone. I only have to give up my fears.

So, today I've unwrapped my relationship to blogging a bit more. I can tell that if I'm going to really walk this process, which is a decision I've already made, I'm going to have to actually live my written words. That is a critical aspect. A disconnect here will not produce the results that I expect from myself. I commit myself to realizing that this is a lived process where I take my words and live them, I investigate my past experiences and the relationship between them and self, to discover who I am as a limited expression of mind, to embody the living expression of self as life.

Enjoy the process.

Day 327 - Uniting Past, Present and Future

Here. This is the moment that unites past, present, and future. Here, I may contemplate how my past self has played into who I am today. With this in mind, I can see the momentous personality characteristics that create my future self. This is the basis of today's post.

My relationships between the three different selves has long been not considered. My whole life has been much more locked into the present perspective. I hadn't realized that my 'unimportant' past was creating my future because the idea of my future was so vastly different and glorious. My future self had felt like he's already achieved greatness with no context based in the past or present. The separation between my past self, present self, and future self has been causing me much more grief and discord than I had realized. I've been isolated in my present self experience: very chill, "everything's going to be great," optimistic.

Without further ado,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past self from my present self through deliberately not paying attention to the events of my past because I would rather maintain my optimistic perspective and not be accountable for the past that seems to be long gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my past self is connected to my future self, through my present self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my present self to recognize the relationship between past and future selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my future self is going to be glorious when there is no past evidence to support the fruition of this glorious self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my past, thinking that I can create a better future if I do not have the past weighing me down. In this, I now realize that I can't escape my past, as it is here as me. Ignoring it is actually to my detriment because then I can't address and take responsibility for my past, and thus allowing my past to automatically create my future. Ahhhh, here we go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the automation of my self-creation based on the past, flowing into the future, while my present self sits pretty in an illusionary perspective of control.

Timeline Example - A cool way to map myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the power to create my future is in the present, separate from my past events, not realizing that the past is actually here in the present as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the multidimensionality of myself through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my past self here, to be able to comfortably reside in a disillusioned state of consciousness in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an imagined future self that is beautiful and exciting, let those feelings take over glorify my present perspective, while ignoring the reality of myself here that is primarily composed of my past self.

When and as I see myself excited for my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that day dreaming about my future with no connection to the reality of myself here is a recipe for disaster/inaction. I commit myself to start practically assessing what I am able to accomplish in the near future. I commit myself to stop believing I am great because my future imagined self is great. I commit myself to forming applicable plans within a regard for past, present and future realities of self.

When and as I see myself in a state of carefree present reality, I stop I breathe. I remember that my past self is my self structure, and that without attention to detail, I allow my past to create my future automatically. This causes time-loops of experiences and consequences where I create scenarios to see the reality of myself. Each time I enter a loop, I must wait before I will face myself in a moment of ability to live the change and transcend that pattern. I commit myself to identifying these moments when my past unwittingly creates my future. I commit myself to then write and forgive myself extensively such that I am prepared and ready to STOP the next time my momentous past self begins to bleed into the future. I commit myself to recognizing the totality of my past, here. In so doing, I no longer react within a patterned past self, but instead create my future with a comprehensive awareness of the consequences that may ensue.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow in the present, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past characters are coming out to play. I commit myself to fully investigate the patterned personality, let it go with the gift of self-forgiveness, and qualify my self-change by taking note of similar events in my future and how I act/react.

I am here: past, present and future. To attempt to escape myself is futile and unnecessarily consequential. One self, through time, here. I commit myself to uniting my perception of and responsibility for myself in all moments.

pic credit

Day 326 - Feeling & Information Dissipation

When I woke up this morning, I had just exited a dream world scenario. It was interesting because I had just written about a dream yesterday, and today's dream was related to a point I had opened up a day before (Day 324) about trying to protect myself through acting out worst case scenarios in my imagination first.

The dream was about some big bald guy that was coming to take away our two new kitties. I think we had called some service to take them away for some reason, but I didn't trust him. He took on cat and loaded it into his car, and I started to throw a fit. I broke his entire trunk door off, and he got pissed. He started to come after me with some weapon, and I began going through a set of various playouts for how I would survive / counterattack.

I think I was starting to wake up at this point because of  how I was going through various endings, trying to find the best end to this violent interaction. I took note of the synchronicity with my writings the day before.

cc flickr

If I were to analyze this dream, I'd say that I love kitties! But that's not what I want to talk about here. I'm interested in how I was so emotionally into this dream, and then it just faded away throughout the day. This happens with most dreams, but it got me thinking this time. When I was getting on to my computer to write this post, I could hardly remember the dream, and the feeling of it had completely dissipated.

Then I think, "this happens with real life events too," and that connection got me really curious about the nature of emotional experiences and mental storage.

As I reflect in real time, I see myself moving within the now for the most part. The majority of my past events seem to go in line with "time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future.." I just keep moving, and the past is the past. My willingness to look at my past and see who and how I was is avoided. I haven't ever before seen a reason to really face my past self: That was then and this is now! And the now just mattered more to because it's where the power lies. That a different topic...but related at the same time.

The pattern that is emerging is how I am not considering my past with an equal weight as I consider myself today. In other words, I believe who I was then is less than who I am now. Interestingly, I also believe my future self to be more than I am now.

To realize oneness and equality of self alone, this separation of self through time is not going to hold up. I am going to have to really realize that my past is the building blocks of me today, who is shaping my future. All parts are the same person. All one. I find it interesting also how I worded that sentence, "I am going to have to..." which implies that the responsibility of realizing and implementing self-change through realization is pushed onto my future self. This won't work. And this seems to have been a common theme in my process so far.

This is the insight I was driving at, I just didn't know it. Past present and future self need to unite. And that's what's been missing. That's what I am to do. I will describe how tomorrow, but as a warm up, I'll end today with this example. By placing myself as my tomorrow self, I am taking responsibility now for who I am tomorrow. In posts to come, I'll be developing my sense of accountability for who I have been in the past as well. I'm genuinely intrigued by this retaliation here today. Excited to see how it plays out.

Because there is still a chance that this information and feeling (intrigued/excited) will dissipate into my the past. This is my window. Tomorrow I decide if I time-loop. To hide from this realization will require a new fold of self-dishonesty that I am not willing to accept and allow.

See ya.

Day 325 - Missing my friends

It's been just over a year since I graduated college, and one of the major associated events is the friends I had last year are graduating and leaving the area. I no longer have the ability to drive down and visit all of them as I had done last month. Loss. The design of the experience is fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reconnect with all my past friends.

This is really my holding on to the memories that I had when I was going to school with them. I had a lot of fun when I went to visit recently, but it was different. I was chasing a memory and instead ended up creating a new memory to get attached to. Like a nostalgic feeling, but also strongly associated with the people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to, and define myself by a memory, wherein I fear losing that chapter, that part of myself, and being unable to ever relive those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to relive my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go back in time to live my past differently with the knowledge I have now. = regret

Soon after my visit was over, I had a dream that burnt into my memory banks forever. It was basically all of them singing this song with an elaborate movement performance in the streets of Isla Vista. It was like a 'goodbye' show directed at me, and there was this overall feeling of connection and honor. I didn't reflect on it too much, but now that I do, here's what comes up: I personally feel a connection and honor toward them. 

There is this concept that I like to apply, I call it "loving detachment." It's like a perceptual frame that I willingly live to keep moving through life and not really pay attention to my past relationships. It seems now like it exists as a coping mechanism to avoid my fear of loss of past relationship, whereas I have usually always considered it to just be a smart/superior way to move through life. In fact, I was protecting myself from being in the vulnerable position of being left behind myself. I can support this conclusion also by the fact that I always wanted to stay friends with my ex-girlfriends. I'm sure I had a few mental tools / programs that I implemented to avoid feeling sad or uncomfortable or inferior. It was a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chose to create and live in an illusionary perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this was the best way lead a life, by keeping myself in the positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the affect I've had on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value others' perspectives less than my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others poorly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about myself and my own experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like having friends to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have friends just to support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends to support my ego/ superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends because they no longer support my ego / superiority frame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friends.

I realize now that the design of missing friends and attachment to memories is really me as a mind trying to preserve my characters / personalities that I enjoyed. The positive experiences of myself in a certain context. To get stuck in the past, to fear loss / letting go of my personal memories with my friends, is me wanting to preserve a part of myself as a particular personality and experience of myself.

This is silly. Not only does it take away from my creative powers that are here as me building myself by adapting to my immediate environment in a way that is best for all, but I'm also fighting to save an energetic layer of myself. This energy is a personality character that I created in my head and lived out in a social environment. It's an illusion that I built and lived, and thus validated. And when this version of me loses it's momentum, when the social and environmental stimulation no longer feeds it, I'm going through this feeling of loss.

When and as I see myself longing to be in the past, in a memory with specific individuals, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this past scenario will never again happen just the same. I commit myself to flag this self-compromising form of nostalgia and releasing my attachments to it through investigating it and speaking/writing specific self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive a moment of favorable, past interaction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, and my life can only be lived to it's utmost potential in this moment. I commit myself to realigning myself with hereness, with breath, whenever I see myself day dreaming in the past.

This process has to happen. I can't allow myself to define myself based on energetic personality interactions, and go my whole life from within a perspective of self-interest and experience seeking. At what cost is "fun"? To think about the many that can't afford fun, the many that die and will die because of world systemic inefficiency, and then to also be aware of how I can make a difference with a bit of hard work...and then still just sit around wanting to feel good...no.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good while being ignorant of my ignorance is bliss stance.

I know what is at stake. To live here and not support what is best for all is going out of style. The quicker we all educate ourselves on our individual responsibility to support what's best for the whole, the sooner we can all start living a dignified life. Research and support the BIG solution (example). This is our shot. The window of opportunity is a moment where you make a choice. Investigate who you are within that. Why did you go this route? Where do your priorities lie? How much longer can you justify regrettable pursuits? Aha! Hehe.

To all my college friends: I cherish and honor you all. Thank you for the range of experiences. Enjoyable to educational. My only regret is trying impress you. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than you and trying to disprove my self-doubt with a multifaceted facade of personalities that truly aren't who I am. The consequences of living to present myself in a certain way had unforeseen consequences. Thank your for the memories that I will always have and be able to work with in my journey of self-discovery. I commit myself to waste no more time trying to relive old personalities. I commit myself to further investigating the intent/motivations of my self-made energetic characters. You will be able to read it all here.

Thank you.

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

flickr

It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 219 - From Shame to Self-Correction

In response to this blog: Creation's Journey To Life - Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realization
And continuing with my back story in relations to my self-investigation with the Desteni tools,

I wish to reflect on a past experience that I had written about 2 years ago. It was Christmas 2011 and my family had decided that instead of buying gifts we would take a vacation to Hawaii. It was a lot of fun for most of the time, but interesting family dynamics popped up that week of close proximity.  In retrospect, I realize that I have been highly egocentric when I'm with family. In the context of others, depending on my comfort level, I would show or hide the cockiness/self-importance. I will continue to unpack my self-importance character soon.

This is a story about deep seated shame for who I am in relation to my brother. He is two years younger than I and I have abused him my whole life by putting him down so I could feel superior. I essentially used him to propel my mental concept into a state of superiority / confidence that I would bring with me into the rest of my relationships with my peers. Lets just say I was petrified of failure and inferiority to such an extent that I didn't care about my negative effect on others. It hurts to write this out. Shame 2.

Shame 1: Which this post is supposed to be focused on. While I was on the airplane, I had a real moment of realization, like really powerful. I had fought with my brother about wanting to sit in the isle seat, (I like the freedom) but my boarding pass indicated that I had the window seat. This gave him the chance to assert his control by not permitting me to trade with him (consequence, reflecting my past behavior toward him). When we had just taken off and exciting things were to be seen out of the window, my brother had looked over to see out and I placed my hands over the window so he couldn't see.

That was my response. Another power-play, so that I could again have the last say. Preserve my control over him. I still react to this writing with quite a sadness (indicating point isn't clear yet). I sat with my mind and after the emotions of the moment subsided, I thought to myself how I've been doing this shit for way too long. A different emotion came up, one of great shame/sorrow. I spoke one forgiveness statement under my breath, and couldn't hold back the tears. Funny, that he was sitting one seat away, listening to music, while I am sobbing and writing forgiveness about how poorly I have allowed myself to treat him...as if I hadn't really, realized it before...maybe only acknowledged it lightly, then back to my self-centeredness, likely.

"I forgive myself for continuing to allow myself to play childish ego games with my brother. I now respect him as an equal."

At least this is what I have written. You may read the raw writing below, as I have decided to include it in this post. This moment stands out hardcore as a moment of self-change through deep shame. And my relationship with my brother has greatly improved since then. Not perfect, I'm still learning. But there was a real change. It was the most moving realization I had ever experienced. It was also the first time I had really worked with self-forgiveness on an intimate, hard-hitting, personal level.

I haven't gone back to look at what I wrote until today, which was kind of a cool experience in itself. Having this self-made record of stuff I thought was significant at one point in time is going to be fun to go through, and I bet I will find many opened points that can be walked more thoroughly with writing self-forgiveness. Tomorrow, I will expand on this writing from my old red process journal with a flow of self-forgiveness and just take it from there. Thanks for reading me.

Day 153 - Validity, Self-Worth & Clear Communication

In the environment of high school friends, the primary question that arises is: "What are you doing with your life?"  Everyone is curious to know who each other has become since those high school days that seem like they were long, long ago. I think the curiosity stems from a desire for feedback/validation. In explaining our "life position" to each other, we get to see the reaction of the group and use it to place ourselves into perspective from a relational standpoint. In fact, as I was getting ready for a particular quad-friendship reunion, I experienced a tad of nervousness..

"How well am I going to be able to articulate what I'm doing?"
    - Process doesn't fit into a preconceived idea for how one spends their time, and so it requires a more at-length explanation...assuming other's will ask about more information.
    - Have not yet established a comfortable relationship to explaining what Desteni is.

"Will they negatively judge my chosen life path thus far?"
    - the only reason this matters is because of the point of defining myself from others' feedback.

"Will I still have that same positive, 'funny-guy' personality?"
    - similar point to above. Fear of future, based from positive, past memories. Also fear of change here.

That's the basis of what I allowed my mind to do this morning. My actual experience was heavy on the first point: couldn't articulate what I was doing very effectively. Fear of judgment was lowly charged, maybe because I worked on the defining self within the perceived judgments of my friends a little bit yesterday (obviously still not clear). The third point was interesting, because I didn't have to try very hard at all to fall right back into my old personality. My carefree demeanor was more present than not, but in self-honesty, there was some backchat doubt that I wasn't as relaxed or cool and carefree as I could might have been in high school. Most of the nervousness came from this, but the experience was well suppressed, and overall I was pretty much "myself."

From: desteniartists.blogspot.com

Key point here is dealing with self defined by others, specifically past friends. Second point is related to uncomfortability with speaking about process and self-forgiveness. Let's begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the reactions of others to establish my self-identity and self-worth. Within this mental worry, I've created unnecessary hindrance on self-expression because of fear of the future from living in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the past, project self-doubt into my future interactions and not realize how I've been manifesting the doubt in real-time for allowing myself to participate in the future fear projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my validity and self-worth exists within how others perceive my life's work and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the need to convince my friends of my validity is all that matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my past positive self/other-judgments as moments of accumulated validity and self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself according to the sum total accumulation of past positive experiences while suppressing the negative ones and creating personality characters to discredit the suppressed fears of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inarticulate with explaining the surface summary of the desteni message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as 'inarticulate' through participating with the fear I've connected to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopelessly misunderstood and not take the responsibility of clear communication within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they must have a hard time hearing me from the get go, before I even give myself the chance to establish effective communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from effective communication through the allowance of fearing the fear connected to ineffective communication.

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When and as I see myself participating within my mental projections of possible future playouts, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear of futures is built of the substance of past experience, and that only with my allowance of myself to define myself in and from my past do I create fear of future. I commit myself to letting go of each moment of accumulated self-definition that is a charged memory, positive and negative.

I commit myself to breathing when the tendency is to try and predict how I will be perceived or listened to, so that I may physically direct myself to be effective from the starting point of each breath.

I commit myself to patiently stopping the mental participation of past and future social interactions.

I commit myself to just be me, here, within the stability of every breath, and no longer worrying about future interactions that are nothing more than fear-born illusions that create my present interpersonal demeanor without me realizing it.

When and as I see myself worrying about my future presentation of myself in future interactions, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to the continual realizing that my participation in mind creates a consequential outflow that affects my personality or personalities.

I commit myself to showing others that these personalities are self-created systems used to navigate the world, and that I can remain stable and effective within a fresh starting point of every breath without creating a personality to augment/manipulate my environment separate from me, here.

I commit myself to the realization process of myself as one with my environment and others so I can effectively create best for all outflows.

I commit myself to no longer simply living in fear of the past definitions of myself being or not being in the future as if the future already exists and is something to be feared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a nonexistent future and simultaneously create that which I fear without realizing me as the creator of my world in each lived moment.

I commit myself to living each moment within self-honesty, so that I can correct myself from each new moment and stop the mental participation of which fear had been allowed to create my future.

I commit myself to realizing myself in and as fear, stopping it, breathing, and directing self in alignment with what's best for all.

Thanks and welcome.