Day 461 - A friend, twisting my arm

I am stupid.

I have been only deepening my possession in the mind by not writing my blog.

A dear friend, stubbornly lead me to this blank blogger page, after I childishly said "no" ~7 times, he warned me that he we would give up if I said no once more. My tricky, yet effective friend.

I asked him, "ok, now what do I write?"

"I am stupid."

And the ball was rolling. I wrote the second line all on my own, and promised to keep writing.

He kindly reminded me "Self-Trust is based on following through on the promises I make," and we ended the 2-hr call so I could finish the long-overdue post.

I had to wade through so much resistance, it is comical that this effort was successful. I couldn't see it coming. It wasn't self-initiated, which is one of the main reasons I justified the resistance. For if I was not the starting point, then the whole thing must be invalid. It's nuts how effective my self-created excuses can be!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a strict definition of what the acceptable parameters are for me to create a blog post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and nurture my mind, as the excuses and justifications for why I need to limit my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be consistent with my writing process, and if I am not, then I should not write at all - and through this belief, sabotage my writing efforts because even just doing one post feels like a MAJOR commitment, as if writing one post means I have to write all the posts in my future too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future, and create a feeling relationship of BURDEN if I am to uphold the vision I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to operate as this ego-projection, and sabotage my efforts in the moment by thinking that I must commit to something that I do not believe I can do, because I have not done it in my past.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am HEAVILY participating in EGO by seeing myself as my past and my future, and completely missing me, here, in the moment.

I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to the recognition that all I have of myself that is real, is here, in the moment.

I commit myself to remembering that the feeling of insecurity arising from my past, and the feeling of greatness I project into my future, is all BS ego play. I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to opening up my blog when I have something to write.

I commit myself to writing on other platforms when those moments arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should be writing on a different platform, to expand my reach and readership - and within this, create conflict that leads to further justifying and bolstering my resistance to writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing there.

I commit myself to not fear wasting my time writing in one spot or the other.

I commit myself to writing in many places.

I commit myself to continue walking my Journey To Life Blog, for me and for all to see.

Thanks buddy.

Day 426 - Fear of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to stay comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can remain within my comfort zone indefinitely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire the safety of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stand within the word resiliency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to source strength from others, hiding my insecurities and weaknesses by accepting and allowing superficial validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT face myself wholly and stand independently to face whatever comes my way, in any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling down or having a setback in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand my ability to respond to any situation in life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying in my comfort zone is in my best interest.

--

When and as I am feeling uncomfortable within impending change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I 'change is the only constant', and so I commit myself to embrace change.

When and as I see myself feeling weak and unsure of the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that, come what may, I can stand and face anything. I commit myself to walking through all of my insecurities until I truly, fully believe I can face anything...even death.

When and as I see myself being afraid of the unknown, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the fear is a simple, yet elegantly designed distraction from Self-Here. I commit myself to embrace the unknown and step into self-trust.

When and as I see that I've had an extended stay within comfort, I stop, I breathe. I realize that until comfort is manifest for all within oneness and equality, it is but a temporary experience my mind is providing for me. Within this, I commit myself to investigate the many atrocities going on in the world, and rediscover my passion/purpose within the life I want to lead as the solution for existence.

When and as I see myself resisting facing myself in a moment of potential change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that change is one of my greatest friends in process, exactly for this reason - an opportunity to confront myself and apply myself. Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and manifesting my insecurities. I commit myself to walk into and through moments of change, seeing them as an enjoyable challenge, rather than as something to be feared.

I commit myself to investigating further the relationship between asserting myself within change, and the insecurities that are here in these moments.

Day 221 - Developing Self-Trust

Where did it go missing? When?

Never had it? Yeah.

Why? ...more importantly, HOW do I establish it.

I think the why has to do with ease. The tendency has always been to seek truth outside of self. Like a game of accumulating things to trust, and the more stuff I found that I could trust, the more trust worthy I would be to others...

SNAP. There it is again. This 'others' orientation, this externalized self-definition. So my starting point has always been in separation of myself. Oh wow.

That's How I Haven't yet established Self-Trust. Shoot. I've gone my whole life trusting others to tell me what's what....even who I am!
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to show myself who I am, how I am existing; to give myself context within the moment that is here to determine who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust others to show me who I am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others' negative reactions to me / my being because I feared having to face myself in that negative light. Inside of this is my reluctance to face or own up to others negative perceptions of me, and also having to deal with suppressing them to maintain my positively charged self-concept. Digging deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have always placed trust in my external to determine truth. I now realize how little I thought of my self, my worth, my ability to determine or create reality. This goes deep. Into relationships even, where I have not trusted my self to lead anther through space-time. Leadership skills on the rise. Patience. Persist within my self-investigation process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than others through the design of placing all my trust into others.
--
The design of self-trust as/through self-honesty is not a "naturally" occurring realization. The process of developing self-trust through, with, and as developing self-honesty would not have occurred to me without the unexpected Desteni message. So, I realize and understand that to build self-trust, I must become self-honest. And that implies a lot. Simple, yet extensive. To be honest with myself is digging deep into myself and facing each point. No running. No allowed fear. Fear is examined to find the source point, to forgive myself for allowing that source point to define who I have become. Developing self-trust is not an overnight happenstance. I'm in it for the long haul. And I can't blame you for not trusting me, as I have never trusted myself. I encourage you to investigate where(when/who) you have separated trust from yourself in your world and why. This is it. This is the Journey to Life. Serious. Mind your mind, self-deceiver.
--
When and as I see myself looking to the external for feedback to determine who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am as the starting point is in separation and in that I am not giving myself the opportunity to be honest with myself about who I am in that moment. I commit myself to writing about experiences where I have gone into a positive/negative reaction regarding myself from an external/reflected starting point perspective. This is my mind. Hello mind!

When and as I see myself as unworthy / unable / afraid to direct myself and/or others in any situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that my inferiority complex is not real, rather it is an accumulation of self-doubt. I commit myself to exercising all of my self-doubt programs through self-forgiveness and corrective application, until I am stable within my directive capacity from the starting point of breath. One and equal. Best for all. Duh.

on flickr

Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
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When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

photo credit

Day 188 - Finding My Breath

by Desteni Artists

Last night, I was kind of panicked thinking about how much I have to work out and still discover of my accepted and allowed lifestyle patterns. Overwhelmed and inadequate pretty much sums up my feeling. I realized that I am having an internal battle with myself  in relation to fearing nonacceptance of me by others. This problem is not to be solved within the relationship of others as I have been trying to do my whole life. This problem is solved by turning inwards to see what I have accepted and allowed within my relationship to myself. Where did I create a belief about myself as inadequate and in need of validation from others? This is a big question that I will have to solve in layers over time.

Today, I've been coming back to my breath more often than any of my days prior. There is a strength within it, more of a stability. Something I can trust.

Yesterday, as mush as I hate to admit it, I felt like I've been putting on a show within my self-forgiveness process. I've been so focused on getting it right and getting that approval from others. There have been posts that felt quite sincere as being an expression of myself, but in general, I've not been grounded within my breath. But I started this paragraph within an emotion toward myself, "hate to admit it," and this is anger. In my lesson material from DIP, there is a bit on "all anger as self anger." It rings true, but isn't immediately obvious. That's why I'm investigating!

I realize that I can always come back to the breath to stand up from within my mind. I also realize that all thoughts/feelings related to self-defeatism are of a mental participation and is not real. Only through my acceptance and allowance do these thoughts and feelings take hold.

I commit myself to take myself through process point by point. This feeling being overwhelmed and rushed is not working, so I must change to be effective. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu is
"nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished." I am to be as nature within and as my physical body, within and as each in breath and out breath. One breath, one moment, one point, one process.

Tomorrow I will continue with some specific & honest expressions of self-forgiveness.