Day 457 - Training for Physical Reality

In my last post, I spoken into a belief that "posting once a day would be too much, or too difficult for me." While I have my reasons and justifications for this, I also see the reality that I could be posting nearly everyday. So, with both perspectives in mind, I decided to make the leap and commit to writing every day last month. What I found by challenging myself, and failing = worth the effort!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying something because I fear failure. When and as I see myself shying away from something within a mindset of fearing to fail, I stop, I breathe. I realize that nothing gets done when I stagnate with fear of failure, manifesting a failed opportunity of a life I could have lived. I commit myself to facing my fear of failure, embracing the lessons of failure, and carrying on with Self creation in the absence of fear (creation).

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Note: if I really had to or wanted to, I could stop my post here, and call it a day. Just one example-reason that I really have no valid excuse to not post on the daily.

Every reason for why I don't write every day, is linked to escapism. Writing and posting these 7-year-journey-to-life blogs is an effort of facing myself. Facing all the resistances and fears that come up along the way. Sometimes, I really don't want to look at myself, and so I layer the excuses to be "ok" with it. Observing myself in this pattern this for so long now, I've really gotten ample chance to see how silly it is.

Why is it so silly?

If I try to separate myself from the awareness of what is, then I enter a timeloop of specific unawareness, only to come back to awareness eventually. This retards one's growth in self-awareness, and who wants that?

I, as the mind consciousness system, do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient to the mind and believe that my dealings in energy are more significant or important that my physical reality. When and as I see myself racing for an energy fix, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is only one me, and that if I have conflicting priorities, I need to slow down, reconcile who I am and which reality I want to validate and honor. I commit myself to remember to check-in with my starting point awareness, and carefully examine the evolution of my perspective through time; so that I may reverse engineer it, understand who I am within it, and continue building an increasingly consistent and stable character.

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I commit myself to honor and respect the physical laws of the universe.

I commit myself to embrace failure as a vital means of self-growth.

I commit myself to slow down to the pace of my breath, my body and my fingers (for typing), so that I may accomplish more substantial self-creation in the physical world.

I commit myself to ultimately be the director of my mind, instead of following energetic impulses that are inconsiderate of the physical world.

I commit myself to press on and recreate myself everyday! Cheers to a life worth living!

Day 431 - Unfinished Projects

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by the unfinished projects I have ongoing in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT finish projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate until the project gets lost in time, as a way of avoiding my creative responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand all of the mind mechanisms going on under the surface when and as I am avoiding responsibility through procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment of my creation, and through that, choose not to complete a project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irresponsible because of an egocentric fear of judgment, imperfection, and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always seek an easier route, and so create a negative relationship toward responsibility, hard work, and creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to live within my excuses for why I am not getting things done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with media and friends, so I do not have to even face the reality of my creation of unfinished projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for my unfinished work to just fade away, and feel a minor sense of relief when new work comes my way, so I can shift my focus away from the unfinished work, to temporarily avoid feeling the guilt that comes with being self-dishonest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not completing an assignment or project, and then try to hide that guilt, as if that was a legitimate solution to irresponsibility.

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When and as I see myself feeling burdened by all of the unfinished work I have to do, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the only way through this pile of work, is to work it. Avoidance is NOT a real solution and only delays self-honesty for a moment. I commit myself to finish my work, one project at a time.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will be judged by my work, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am going to be judged by my work, as I stand equal and one with what I create. With that said, I commit myself to live courage and strength to complete work that I can stand by for all time.

When and as I see myself dodging responsibility through my typical avoidance patterns, I stop, I breathe. I realize that going down this road is totally my self-saboteur programming, and thus is not what I want to be living. I commit myself to write down a plan of accomplishment for the day, instead of allowing my mind to direct my movement in these moments.

When and as I see myself seeking for the easiest way, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is a fundamental difference between working smart and efficiently, verses trying to figure out the way in which I can apply the least amount of effort to complete a project. I commit myself to applying my smarts AND hard work, to excel, rather than settle for mediocrity.

When and as I see the opportunity to take on a worthwhile project, and I decide to do it, I commit myself to seriously walk the steps with completion in mind. I commit myself to giving it my all, a real, self-honest effort to complete what I set out to accomplish. To play in this world, I've got to make it count, and until the goal is met, no score goes on the board.

The principle of accumulation doesn't apply if my walk is 0+0+0...

I commit myself to walking the 1+1...until it is done.

Day 398 - The 'Creation through Certainty' Character

I have created a character that allows me to feel comfortable in knowing that I am on track, and because I'm on track, I don't really need to exert myself. I'm going to call it "The Universe will take care of me" character. This stems from having a comfortable and privileged upbringing. My parents did a good job nourishing me and increasing my capacity to take on great challenges, but I didn't have a whole lot of practice taking on challenges. This probably connects to that feeling of anxious ambition that I have identified with for most of my life.

Now, I'm not completely spoiled nor unwilling to work. I like to envision and create some pretty cool stuff, but I haven't had many serious applications of this. I would create little, fun projects that yielded a sense of pride. For example, when I was in elementary school, about 9 years old, I saw a roll of raffle tickets in the store one day and realized that I could run my own raffle to make money! I sold several tickets to some of my school friends before I got sent in to the principal's office.

The the underlying point is: I've had lots of creative experience with ventures that were relatively easy. I could see the start through to the finish, and the amount of effort required by me was unmistakable. This way, I had enough overall certainty to determine that I would succeed before I started...

Here is where I messed up. I liked the certainty so much that it became the primary way through which I initiated creation. And that's the problem I did not foresee from the vantage point of youthful ignorance. Whether or not I could have is irrelevant because there's only one reality here, and that's what I have to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how creating within the confines of certainty is vastly limited in scope.

And I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I had created this habit for my creation process, and so have vastly limited myself and my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty, risk, and loss.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be okay with loss.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to welcome uncertainty and risk into my life so that I may challenge myself to ask the relevant questions and make decisions of greater magnitude without fear, but instead with common sense.

Here we go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe fear to be valid within my decision making.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by fear energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create thoughts and backchat within fear, and then accept this inner voice/perspective as valid, and at that, more valid than any other perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to substantiate my fear-spawned beliefs and opinions by acting and moving within them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that with common sense discernment, I can make significantly better decisions in life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully embody the realization that I can stop any energy - thought, feeling or emotion - that comes up within me in reaction to any specific circumstances. Breathe. Release. Forgive. Let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the energies+thoughts that come up within me automatically, are self-creations of the past that must be updated.

I created me through the vastly limited perspective of my youth. I created me through an incomplete picture of reality. I created me in consideration of only my own interests: desires and fears.

I now commit myself to creating and recreating myself within expanding awareness of Self and All.

That's huge! The criteria with which I create myself is continually changing with expanding awareness. There's the full circle key insight. All my creations, external and within, were based on known certainties of the past. They were all neatly packaged up and ready to be executed. If something went wrong...I'd just abandon the mission. Remember how I mentioned only being comfortable with uncertainty and risk when the stakes were low? If the stakes were high, and abandoning the mission were not an option...

...I simply wouldn't try.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the end of the road, being left with no options, no alternatives, falling into the darkness of the unknown. It feels like death, or at least has a strong connection to the fear of death point.

Transmutation of perspective: There is always a way. Where there is a will, there is a way, as my dad would often say. (Why didn't I orient to this from the beginning?... I was lacking the will.)

Parkour Philosophy agrees. When there appears to be no path, keep looking. Regardless of if it truly is a dead end, real-time, solution-oriented focus is unyielding and may even become stronger.

This is my resolve.

I commit myself to breathe some life into my process.
I commit myself to persist with solution-oriented living.
I commit myself to create without fear of failure.
I commit myself to bring serious effort into all my pursuits.

Day 361 - Enjoy the Process -OR- Focus on the Outcome

In Desteni, there are many tidbits of wisdom that can be breeze right through one's mind and not take hold. Today's topic is one of them:

Enjoy the Process

My initial relationship to this phrase was, "Yeah, sure, will do. Why wouldn't I?" And that relationship stuck with me for quite some time, and it wasn't until now that I realized the need to redefine this relationship for myself. I have been missing the point. Within my shallow acceptance of this phrase, I skipped over the practical application of it in my life. I hadn't taken the time to even see where/how exactly this phrase could be integrated as a self-support application. Well, now I see it.

I was discussing my progress, or lack thereof, on an DIP Pro assignment with my support buddy, and one of the points that came up was how I wanted to have the assignment done correctly, if not better. This is a familiar personality design I have known as myself for many years: The perfection character. To stop my inner perfectionist from sabotaging my progress, I'm beginning today with peeling back the layers of mental schemas that compose it.

Problem:

• I create an ideal outcome in my imagination
• I get attached to that perfect outcome
• Desiring to define myself by it
• In fear of failure, I shut myself down before even trying
• Fearing to define myself by/as a failure

Solution:

(here is just the initial session of SF statements and corrective application statements - more to come!)

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to be overwhelmed, not realizing that within this judgment, I separate myself from the point and further disempower myself to stand up from within it, taking responsibility for it, and change.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay and procrastinate my responsibilities because I fear not having the perfect outcome, that I want to define myself by, instead of getting to know myself in exploring my expression of myself in the process of accomplishment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that which I created in a surreal and ideal dimension of my mind, not realizing the extent to which I allow this fear to direct my life.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to define myself by my magnificent accomplishments, not realizing the polarity energy of fearing to be defined by my failures, and how I allow these energies to make my decisions for me, all based on my own mental math to calculate gain/risk for me as ego.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this decision formula, and to have allowed myself to participate within it, unchecked, for so many years.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have been creating myself through calculated, ego-serving mental energies.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully participate with Desteni and apply the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, which I understand are in my best interest but have for too long decided that my energetic mind reality is too powerful.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to the sway of my mental-energy programs.
• When and as I see myself in a moment of resistance energy, I stop I breathe, I realize that this energy is not real in the context of physical reality. It is no more than my own creation, and it has only as much power as I allow it to direct me. I commit myself to stand up from within this energy experience, stop it, breathe, give myself direction in a way that reflects who I want to be (from the perspective of eternity). I move myself and I make decisions that I could live with forever. And when and as I see that I do not, I stop I breathe and I investigate the relationships in every detail.
• When and as I see myself in separation of myself through judging myself or my decisions, I stop I breathe. I realize that the solution isn't so easy as self-judgement -> guilt. I commit myself to realigning my beingness with that decision, to take responsibility for it and face the consequences, so that I can actually produce lasting self-change through the process of accumulating insight and self-trust in applying that insight.
• When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize that my choice to procrastinate has been linked to my fear of failing to reach a desired outcome. I also realize within this that this mental reality always stops at the end-point of failure...meaning I've been basing my internally constructed reality on a timeloop. When a failure occurs in reality, I can then make the choice to try again until I succeed. I commit myself to give it all I got! And when fear of failure programs activate in the mind, I commit myself to recognizing that end-point that seems to be the end of the world, and breathing through it, moving myself into physical participation.

Reward:

• Less anxiety - no more dreading an undesirable outcome
• Enjoying life - life is a process, not a reward at the end
• Productivity - from stagnating within mental loops, to moving within self and the world outside
• Supporting others - most effectively accomplished when the process of change is considered

So now, just need to do is apply some common sense reasoning, and presto! The obvious choice here is to walk through the energetic impulses and attachments to outcomes. As hard as that may seem in some moments, those are the critical moments from which I must stand up and stop the pattern. Who I am is equal to the sum of who I am in every moment, every breath.

Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction

I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:

"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.

photo credit

Day 298 - Under the hood of Self Doubt

Continuing from: Day 297 - Doubting Myself

Yesterday was a little introduction to my self-doubt character. Today I want to add some depth, still maintaining the perspective that this personality is a huge umbrella of points that I must face.....I just wandered off into a cool thought of creating an info-graphic map of my mind. Perhaps when I get closer to Day 2555, I will build a visual based on this blog. Heck, I could get started now. Day dreaming aside...actually this relates. I've come to realize that these day dreams are one of the key components of self-doubt. How? Let me explain.

I was searching for some perspective on 'doubt' in the wiki and found this blob of self forgiveness (here, and scroll down a little) related to "Desire of being Special." From there I drew a little map of how I might connect my spaciness design to self-doubt. To verbally walk you through it: My self-belief that I am special, leads me to think I will be able to obtain 'easy wins' in life, then reality hits, and I go into conflict and uncertainty. From there fear of failure grapples me to the ground.

This little cycle is nice and neat! I'm happy to have drawn it out. There is still room to expand if need be, but for now I have plenty to work with. Altogether now, out loud:
;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get what I want more easily than others can because I am special or gifted in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to day dream about how I will achieve great feats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my imagination so powerful that once I have an idea, all the hard work is irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important hard work is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can just get others to do the hard work, once they are on board with my great/special vision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape hard work my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that my thoughts are special and superior to others' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality and diminishing the realness of imagined greatness in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can beat reality if I am smart enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others seem dumb, so I could preserve and strengthen the idea that I am smarter than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the imagination of my ability, instead of realizing the actual value of practical application.

• In this I realize that by emotionally investing myself as the imagination version of myself that I've created the circumstances of uncertainty and self-doubt, for I am constantly reminded of the reality that is all around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fight and suppress reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually attempt to validate my own inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wrong about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know who I am though imagining the best version of myself that I could, without considering who I am in the context of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because then my inner, imagined reality of myself would shatter, and I would be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the belief of who I am, based on how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear failure.

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When and as I see myself thinking about how great I will be in an imagined future, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, one and equal with the physical reality. I commit myself to start connecting my thoughts to reality by considering the practical steps that are required to achieve my vision. By doing this, I will have a grounded decision framework, instead of acting on an emotional whim whenever a 'brilliant idea' strikes.

When and as I see myself as inherently superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in for an uncomfortable, humiliating experience of myself within the domain of my ego. I commit myself to remember to breathe when in the company of others, and thus realize myself as and equal and one expression of life / chunk of physical.

When and as I see myself afraid to face reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have built an expectation, based on past memories. I commit myself to start looking more closely at the memories with which I construct expectations that I invest myself in, causing fear of it not happening how I imagined it / failure within a moment of reality.

Much still to go. Thanks for reading me.

photo credit

Day 273 - Success and Failure pt.9

cc

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question
Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive
Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8 - The Problem with Mind-Self Separation

Failure Character

You see what I did there? Today is the first time I put a title ^ and from now on, I'm going to only not name my blog in the beginning with intention. This way I am either direct and focused on my writing point, or I am directing an exploration of myself through writing. Now, I wish to speak on a point that has held me back from expanding myself soooooo many times. It's one of those things that's shameful in retrospect and "if I could go back in time, I'd tell myself..."  SO, my solution here is to acknowledge this habit and forgive it. I will also begin applying the living correction, but there's an interesting dynamic at play in this.

When I commit to live the change that I have written about, and fail, my past tendency had been to retreat and isolate myself into myself. Like a very real, lived suppression, I hide inside of myself. It's some ass backwards self-protection mechanism that I picked up some where along the way. This is no longer allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, create failure and to within failure, react to failure by suppressing myself into an alternate mind reality where I believe I am safer than if I am present within the physical space-time reality moment of here. In this, I realize now that I've been compounding the fear of failure by reacting to it within fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to failure within fear, not realizing that I'm completely entranced within circular fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was compromising myself in a downward spiral of manifesting fear, when and as I perceive failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure according to something that is bad and needs to be avoided, run from, hidden from, within this allowing myself to react to failure by going into a mental, ego protection stance within myself. I've never before been directly aware of how/why I feared failure. It sure is nice to dig it up and face it!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing myself within not being able to uphold my commitments to myself such that when I do failure, I react instead of standing back up to resiliently persist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and retreat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and press forward with failure perceived as a supportive lesson to take with me.

Ahh, that is the key. My perception of failure needs to be gradually shifted and practiced like anything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail in applying what I have learned about my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my backdoor, encryption programs that exist to ensure I do not change and realize my power to move myself one and equal within and as a directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been holding myself back by fearing to face my fear. It's a simple encryption when I see it, but it's rather effective when I'm in it.

When and as I see myself within a cyclical experience of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not here, directing the situation effectively. I commit myself to remembering who I am with my breath, to stand up, and chose to move/speak within common sense.

When and as I see myself fearing my inability to produce practical, living change of myself, I stop I breathe. I now recognize how this 2 bit encryption (fearing fear) is me actually creating the conditions for failing and so compounding failure repetitively. I commit myself to seriously confronting fear when and as I experience myself within a fear fit. If that fails, I commit myself to reflect on the incident at the end of the day and speak self forgiveness aloud.

When and as I see myself brushing off failure, suppressing fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego does not want to own up to fear. I commit myself to taking responsibility for the fear, as one and equal with me, the creator.

When and as I see myself directed by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. Too many times have I turned and went the other way because I did not have the courage to risk failing. I commit myself to shifting my perspective of failure such that I am willing to fail in front of the whole world. Why? Because I know I will keep trying until I succeed. With each failure, I have the opportunity to pick myself back up and continue, knowing how not to fail the same way. And if I do fail the same way twice, three times or more, I commit myself to investigate that point, and not allow myself to define myself with the failure, rather define myself by how I choose to react to failure. If I fail to change within failure, I realize I have as many times as I personally require to live the change. This is my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in such a way that I amplify my fear of failure. Dang, there's a whole different dimension to fear of failure. Will explore in posts to come. For now, I will continue with the last point I wish to address in this Success and Failure series. The key to success. Join tomorrow to read my solution of...

Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance

Today's focus is letting go of my attachments to the design of resistance when I'm faced with work. I've already begun to bring awareness into the critical moment. Because of all the writing I've been doing on this point, I'm finally starting to slow down and stop the resistance driven movement and bring my attention back to the work that I am facing. My goal is to do this consistently. To accomplish this goal, I must not rely on hope or waiting for myself to get my act together because I realize that it is my active participation with myself that determines who I am as a directive principle of self. 'Hope' is a mental diffusion of responsibility. I can't wait any longer because I now realize how the design of waiting contributes to delay / procrastination.

Through this mini-series, I've come to a point where my awareness of what is here, as who I am in my relationship to work, and from here forward it is my responsibility to take the next step: Living the correction. I've not discovered and written about each and every point that is related to this character / behavior pattern, so when the specific points come up, I'll support myself by writing in my side journal to investigate why. By so doing, I am living the correction of active participation within my process of self-purification.

I commit myself to stop at no hurdle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and create a perception of myself as a failure. Within this I realize that by marking myself as a failure when I fall, I am creating myself as a failure and creating a spiral of negativity as I move my thoughts into living application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifest my negative thoughts about myself (i.e. failure, doubt, general inability).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure and to act within this fear by not acting so I won't have to risk failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad/negative, not realizing how my perception of failure is what is keeping me from transforming a fall into a moment of learning and growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself within resistance energy as I look for excusable, desirable distractions/deviations from my intention to responsibly apply myself within work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is difficult to stay focused and that this is because of reasons that are outside of my control / creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my positively charged desires and my negatively charged resistances. I commit myself to realizing my responsibility for the internal movements that are charged +/- instead of subscribing to the illusion that these forces are out of my control / jurisdiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by internally charged relationships without fully understanding why I am moving myself. I commit myself to continue bringing awareness to situations where I do not fully understand my motivations behind behavioral inclinations.

When and as I see myself mentally processing to find a justification for something that would take me away from my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the critical moment where I may decide abdicate the responsibility of self-direction by giving into the persuasive, internal, energetic game of tug-o-war, or to stand up within the stability of myself and exercise my ability to direct myself in each and every here-moment.

I commit myself to the realization that I am so very able to stop the energetic movement of resistance / desirable distraction. This internal movement is an energy program that I had, indeed, set into motion at some point in my past. I must take responsibility for my creation. I will release the programming that no longer suits my interest, which has shifted from solely self-interest, to now include what's in the best interest of ALL. I commit myself to release my outdated energetic programming with living self-forgiveness statements.

AND NOW, this is the point of achievement. This is the point of success. This is the moment of truth:

Who am I in the critical moment?

I commit myself to practicing the living application of the awareness, realizations and insight that I arrive at through writing in my Journey to Life blog.

I commit myself to show others the purpose of the Journey to Life blog is to prepare for actual, living self-change by practically applying myself in the process of bringing self-awareness through into living self-correction.

Flickr credit

Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

• I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
• I need other's to reflect that I am special
• When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority

Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.

Day 248 - General Specificity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being over general with my self-investigation in a way that is akin to "BSing" school work or "fluff writing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define generalized writing as bad because it isn't specific enough to be really effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a generalized writing form can serve as necessary, initial stepping stones in my Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving no where and making no progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my efforts are futile, not realizing that by allowing this fear to direct me, I create and manifest the effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not dedicate more time, earlier in the day, to my writing and investigation process, leaving me with no choice but to whip out a quickie at the end of the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only write the generalized dimension of a single point and then move on faster than I can realize what I've begun to discover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disinterested in the specifics of a single point because it isn't as easy as the flow of an initial opening/discovery writing form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the specific dimensions of writing as 'hard' and 'too difficult' where I do not even allow myself to try going deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing in relation to self-change if I write within depth and specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I fall, I can try again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the design of fearing to fail is keeping me from trying, keeping my from falling, and keeping me from getting back up and becoming stronger, and thus, fearing to fail = failing.
--
When and as I see myself writing a generalized, surface level dimension of a point, I realize that this is just the first stage, and to not fear my inability to bring the point through a specific and thorough writing investigation. Here, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing about what comes up in a moment and when it's a point that I have already written on, I commit myself to reading and rediscovering within the prior post, how can I go deeper, what have I missed.

When and as I see myself wanting to just get by with a simple, easy, general post at that end of the day, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself through a subtle emotional outflow of self-defeatist backchat that I haven't explored. I commit myself to stand up and stop the self-abuse through the realization of who I am in a moment with the application of my breathing awareness.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am not being specific enough and/or not going deep enough into a single point and thus through that, fearing that I am wasting my time writing fluff, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear is not benefiting me, and through that realization, I commit myself to conducting immediate, vocalized self-forgiveness on the fear before it becomes an outflow of inaction and self-limitation.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away from my blog because I fear not being able to produce a quality post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the moment of truth, so to speak. This is my chance to push through fear/resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it in a way that yields what I fear. I commit myself to identifying all points of fear, ESPECIALLY within the general dimension, so that I may gain clarity on what is moving me. From there, I commit myself to push through the fear and resistance of going deeper so that I may flow within the specifics of process as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot flow within the specific, thorough and more difficult dimensions simply because I haven't been able to nor have I given myself the time to practice my depth/specificity writing.
--
When and as I see myself fall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can get up after a fall. I realize that I do not have to define myself as a failure because of this fall. I commit myself to standing back up and doing whatever it takes to press forward.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Here I am.

Day 238 - "I can't do it" in my Imagination

flickr cc

I went rock climbing today for the first time in a long time, and I conveniently got a bit closer to my "I can't do it" character. There was one particular spot that I was stuck at, and my forearms were starting to turn to fire. And to reach the point of 'giving up' I had imagined the possibilities and nothing seemed to work. I couldn't make the reach. I 'gave up.'

Thankfully, my belay buddy caught me and wouldn't let me down. I was throwing a mini fit while I contemplated a second attempt with what little strength I had left. Thanks to her stubbornness, I got the chance to hang out, 40 feet above the ground, and cool off. Eventually I found the needed foot hold that I had missed while frantically imagining the possibilities that all led to failure, and I was able to finish the climb.

This imagination dimension is just one piece of this puzzle that I utilize to persuade myself that "I can't do it." I will continue to write about the other character dimensions in upcoming posts. This character is as good as any for getting acquainted with these dimensions that are behavioral blueprints of the mind in a way. I will soon make a post that overviews these character dimensions that are essentially the foundational components of each personality we have created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the possible scenarios/options that do not work and lead to failure, instead of taking a breath and really examining all possibilities that are here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to operate and based my decisions from an imagined version of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can imagine opportunities and the play outs of each scenario better from within my mind than I could if I was just operating within and from the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to figure out what is here in a moment and so rely on my superior observational powers of imagined reality play outs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and retreat away from a goal when the going gets tough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate imagined failure to motivate myself to become the "I can't do it" character/personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was operating from a panicked, energy state of mind when I was going through imagined possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical and focus all my attention on a limited rendition of reality.
--
When and as I see myself imagining "all" the possibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may missing opportunities I haven't uploaded into my mental video player. I commit myself to flag pointing the "I can't do it" character and backtracking to see how I have convinced myself that "I can't do it."

When and as I see myself imagining failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have diminished what is physically here into/as a mental representation of what I think might happen. I commit myself to the realization that I am not considering reality when I am imagining. I know this will take awhile before I am comfortably living self-trust within each and every here-moment as the breath and to be able to make this my starting point of every decision. I commit myself to familiarizing myself with the character dimensions / mind blueprints so that I am able to see the activation sequence more readily. This way I will be more able and prepared to STOP the personality before it possesses me.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do it" because I have imagined all the possibilities and reached a conclusion of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that if failure is inevitable from a starting point assessment based within the physical reality, I would then make a common sense decision. I realize that if failure seems likely based on a starting point of mental processing, I need to take a breath and get back to what is really here. I commit myself to stop thinking that I know it all, because from this mental 'knowing' I realize I do not know what I do not know. I breathe. I keep coming back to reality. I stop the characters when and as I see them. It could be an instant stop. It could take a month of writing. I am no longer concerned with being able to always be able to stop the character from the get-go because I realize that some of these personalities are deeply ingrained into my physical-flesh.

No more panicked judgments of reality. Slow down Dan.

Day 237 - The "I Can't Do it" Character

Related to this theme of work ethic that I've been writing about the past few days, I'd like to take this time to begin working with the character dimensions. Why is this? "I can't do it."

Again there is this fear of failure, and it is increased because of this expectation that if I am thorough with decoding of this "I can't do it" character with all of the character dimensions and STILL fail to remove the self-limitation pattern, "then I'm really screwed."

Artwork by Kelly Posey

Okay, forgiveness game plan: first this above point, then I'll flow out some "I can't do it" SF related to the backchat dimension and tomorrow I'll expound upon the character dimensions. My lack of understanding is no longer an accepted or allowed excuse within me as fuel for this self-sabotaging fear of failure crap.


Note Current Related:

• Adam's Day 187: Futility and Fear of Failure
• Sunette's Day 321: Why do we Give Up BEFORE we Even Started? onward (to Day 325 presently)

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become apprehensive and shy away from things that are new/novel/foreign because I do not want to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to with inferiority toward unfamiliar objects/objectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go with the thought that "I can't do it" when faced with a challenge of doing something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be perfect/great at something that I've never before tried.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I must have success initially without making any mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be unsuccessful before I have even become acquainted with the new challenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I am paving the road to failure with the thought "I can't do this."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I create my reality and that which I think will manifest if I allow it to accumulate and build momentum into the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to passively assume that "I can't do it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that "I can't do it" from a starting point of self-doubt/inferiority, not considering the practical, physical dimension of whether or not I can really do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been basing my decisions within energetic fluctuations in my head based on my past. It's like a snowball of determinism!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in and empower my fear of failure, make it out to be real as if it is actually real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate fear.
--
When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do it," I stop I breathe. I realize that I have reacted and this thought is an energetic relation to the external challenge  I commit myself to really stop, breathe, and consider what is practically here before I just go on and automatically think that "I can't do it."

When and as I see myself reacting toward a challenge or something new with any thought, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have created a mental system from past experience that operates in relation to my ability to succeed. I commit myself to making a note of these challenge initiated, reactive thoughts, and then moving them through into a writing expansion to determine the pattern that remains in control and in my way of a stable, breathing decision  where I practically take into consideration all relevant points that are here.

When and as I see myself moving within fear of failure, away from the challenge, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have reacted, and within this realization, I commit myself to not react in self-pity. I commit myself to either stand up and go back to face the point of challenge or to write about what happened.

I commit myself to write, write, write, until my keyboarding speed is over 55WMP, and until I am able to move my realization from the paperwork into reality through a moment of living application. Until I am consistently applying the principles of which I write, I commit myself to continue writing. Until it is done. I can do this!

Day 236 - My Favorite Excuse

Continued from yesterday (Day 235 - Opportunist vs. Excuse Maker) & exposing my favorite excuse:

Fear of failure

The only issue with fear of failure is that it's HUGE. It's central to most of my decision processes. And the forms it takes on like embarrassment, rejection, inability, loss, etc. What I find is that when I am faced with particular opportunities, I will have that experience of "not being able to do it." Before I even realize the experience, I am moving away from it, seeking the next best option that IS doable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.

primary memory of positive fear motivation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have created  polarity within the experience of failure, and only really considered the positive affect of becoming motivated to overcome fear, and suppressing the moments when fear motivates me to run.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
--
When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.

When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.

When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.

I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.

I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.

wikimedia pic

Day 235 - Opportunist vs Excuse Maker

flickr

The past 2 days, I've been writing about hope and luck. Today, I want to build context. I have always been attracted to the opportunity for advancement. Isn't everyone?

Well, I think my problem had evolved over the years as I got used to a stream of great opportunities. I began to expect great deals and accept nothing less. For instance, when I want something that I may be able find used, I go straight to Craigslist.org to find the good deal. As I enter the job market, I have been comparing my time spent working for money against my time spent developing my character.

I watched a cool TED talk today called Why you will fail to have a great career by Larry Smith. Basically, I saw myself more clearly as a person that has dreams, but also as the person who makes excuses to not pursue them as I wait/hope for my lucky break, my perfect opportunity to reach my goals. Quite the wake-up call.

Will I continue to separate myself from reality as a dreamer that doesn't put forth the effort to make my dreams come true? No, I will not. I am done waiting for greatness. I once heard that preparedness is essential to seize opportunity. It's time to stop making excuses and prepare myself for the road ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become accustomed to great opportunities to the degree that I do not act unless a great opportunity presents itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to create my own opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be proactive about seeking or creating opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an opportunity because I wasn't prepared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from reality by identifying with my imagined greatness that was to unfold through opportunity that I projected in my future based on nothing more than pure desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be fortunate for the rest of my life and that I will not have to work hard because I am good at seizing great opportunities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by only considering my desired careers/jobs/opportunities without establishing a practical means to get myself in that desired position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time waiting for opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the initiative for creating myself in alignment with my desired opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses so I could remain safe and not risk failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word failure and allow it to direct my decision process through excuses to not create opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability and so hold myself back from reaching my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act on safe and obvious opportunities and in this allow myself to become complacent and hopeful of the next opportunity.

To be continued tomorrow.

Day 233 - Hope vs. Hard Work

I had been neglectful of doing hard work for reasons unknown to me. The foremost answer that comes to mind when I ask myself why, is that I truly haven't worked very hard for anything. I have been fortunate and privileged for the majority of my life. Now I find myself debate-free with a college degree, and yet I still do not know what it is to work hard. This changes here.

In my Journey to Life, I investigate who I have become through the many influences throughout my life. I realize that I am a product of these influences by choice of what I accepted and allowed within me through the base programs of fear and self-interest. Through fear of failure and preordained fortune, I have found myself quite content with minimal effort or struggle...and now that I am faced with the world's money system, I see that the passive, hopeful route is not going to cut it. And in terms of this self-investigation process, I have been holding myself back through my bare-minimum work ethic. This stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on hope and luck to determine my success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work as hard as was required of me from my external forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for my self-direction within work and accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing uncertainty to dictate who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow of my environment because I was able to live comfortably without asserting my effort, and thus was enabled to hide my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was afraid to assert myself because I was afraid to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my environment to act first so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect what I hoped would come true, to come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past fortune indicates future fortune, and through this design I existed within hope without realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I am hopeful of a fortunate future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work hard only when I was assured of success or fair payoff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the bar low for myself instead of striving to really excel wherever I apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and direct my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my world to present opportunity to me that I would take if I was certain that wouldn't fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear of failure from myself through hope and waiting for fail-safe opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive within my world, accepting the hope as an alternative to hard work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could simple attract (LOA) fortune to me through the design of hope and positive thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work hard.
--
When and as I see myself waiting for opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize that I could be waiting my whole life or I could be utilizing my time to make something of myself and of my world and reality. I commit myself to work hard for my rewards in life from now on, meaning: NO MORE LOA,  HOPE, or WAITING.

When and as I see myself passively hoping for that pretty girl to talk to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear of failure/rejection has a solid foundation within me. I commit myself to patiently & persistently picking apart my experience pf failure and rejection within myself, so that I may forgive my allowed passive existence and get on with living!

When and as I see myself immobilized by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize there are many forms and circumstances of which this personality characteristic comes into play. I commit myself to move myself through the resistance generated by this fear and when I do not, to investigate the specifics of that particular event. I commit myself to write about my fear until I understand it and release it. It does not serve me, and I do not need to protect it, so why have I been? I believe in the experience of fear and thus empower it.

When and as I see myself hoping, praying or desiring something without having to work for it, I stop I breathe. I realize myself in the physical and I realize that practical, physical steps are how create my world and reality. I commit myself to using my words and my physical body to make shit happen. No more innocent, wishful, naive, positive thinking in the form of hope. I commit myself to the residual realization of how I can get stuff done with hard work.

When and as I see myself passively waiting for my momentous fortune to carry me through life, I stop I breathe. I realize the illusion that is my mind. I realize that the overlap between mind and reality can be convincing. I realize that disappointment in oneself is certain with a reliance on hope to carry me forward. I commit myself to taking that breath and moving myself within a practical plan to accomplish my goals.

pic credit: deviantart.com

Day 226 - Nail Biting: Failure

OK, I'm going to dispel a layer of resistance I've been facing with regards to my nail biting habit. Since my first attempt to stop biting my nails 210 days ago (damn), I've experienced a limiting shame, discouragement, and embarrassment associated with failing in the stopping of my nail biting habit. I have been delaying returning to the point because I've been waiting for some external help, knowledge, or just becoming more effective with my self-forgiveness.

And that's another point, I blamed my ineffectiveness on my weakness within self-forgiveness. Man, that's an ugly sentence. And the one following shows how my shame has been limiting me in refacing this point. AND that sentence show's my reluctance still yet to take responsibility for myself. I blame the shame, and go into delay. It's a 'mental route,' if you will, that leads me back into enslavement. I'm beginning to grasp just how dangerous blame can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through manifesting my fear of failure by allowing my participation within the emotions of shame, embarrassment and discouragement, I have been justifying my reluctance to face this point more thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated to continue my investigation of my nail biting because of how I think others would see me as a failure, or "taking too long" or "writing too much" about this point of nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by being honest with my self here, I am able to really walk this point in the necessary depth it will take to be effective, and in the process, other's may read the detail of my story How I actually stopped biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going deeper into my mental patterns and habits because of a fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and justify the thought "If I am thorough, and fail, I am screwed."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am manifesting failure through the fear of failure based thought "If I really try hard, and fail, I am hopeless and all I've worked at through self-forgiveness is pointless." Ok, this is opening up. Amazing to actually see what self is thinking by placing it into writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time to become intimate with myself through writing exploration of the various surface points that come up in relation to the "big" points that seem "impossible" to deal with. In this, I realize that I have not permitted myself a real shot because I want change to happen now, instantly, fast.

Realizing also, that I did in fact have backchat thoughts toward my initial attempt to stop nail biting on Day 14, 15 & 16; which was something like, "I'll span this one out over 3 whole days, so then it'll have to work."

When and as I see myself projecting how long it will take to change, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a subtle yet valid externalization of responsibility to time. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible to living and changing me.

When and as I see myself desiring change to happen fast, I stop I breathe. I realize that change can only happen as fast as I allow, and that when there is resistance to change, further investigation is required. I commit myself to digging deep within the many layers contributing to my nail biting habit, and giving myself plenty of time and space to accomplish this. Thanks for this assistance Garbrielle.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this fear, I manifest the result of that which I fear. I commit myself to the breath-by-breath walk of self-change, giving me plenty of time and space, and stopping only when the point is cleared and I am stable within the change.

When and as I myself thinking that "big" points are "impossible," I stop I breathe. I realize that there are multidimensional layers of mental relationships that I have placed within seemingly giant points, such as nail biting. I commit myself to not attempt to go for the quick and easy fix, but realize the amount of work and will that is required to STOP myself, AND THEN take the necessary steps to CHANGE myself.

When and as I see myself failing IF I were to try, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have entered the mental space and forgotten about my breath and the practical application of my physical toward an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to never again letting fear of failure perpetuate my resistance toward a point for an extended period of time without an agreement with myself.

The specific emotions that come up in relation to how I judge myself for biting my nails will be continued in installments to come. Thanks for reading.

For some fascinating perspective that assist with the point of facing failure and self-change:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-316-sensitive-souls-how-to-face.html

Day 222 - Important Realization of Self-Change

Laying down some cool perspective for you (and me):

Yesterday, I uncovered quite a serious point of externalizing my trust, where my internal sense of trust in and of myself has long been missing. To expand on this point within the dimension of practically establishing self-trust, I am further grasping the importance of self-movement.

Just moments ago, I listened to this interview with Enlil, and he reiterated a familiar notion throughout the Desteni material: Self-movement or practical corrective application. I suppose it one of those concepts that takes hearing it many times for it to click. Well, I've been kind of wavering between walking this process for externally justified reasons and for self, and more so recently, I'm getting a feel for that starting point. The past week I've been much more on top of the ball in terms of starting my blog earlier in the day, with the self-honest starting point of investigating myself for myself (and sharing it). Today, time steps in and tells me, "write! Or who the hell are you?"

I've already written about how time is an external point of motivation, but obviously that is not the whole picture as to why I procrastinate. Elaboration is required for the sake of building perspective and, hey, that self-trust! But the point I am working with today is specifically the second component.

1) Elaborate, build perspective and increase awareness through writing and self-forgiveness.
2) Move this into a practically applied correction.

The support found through Desteni really emphasizes Self-Forgiveness, and that is often a necessary first step to self change, but what I am finding, is that SF will not take me all the way through to self-change. I have underestimated the second point of corrective application. In the midst of becoming accustomed to the writing of self-forgiveness, I had experienced quite a fair amount of resistance to "corrective application." So much so, that I even hid from myself that I was just writing it because it was expected of me.

So, how do I move me into practically correcting my relationship to corrective application? First with self-forgiveness to bring in awareness (although I already feel I have a good amount of awareness here, I usually find more when digging with SF). Then, I will place into writing commitment statements that are able to be practically lived. No more half-hearted commitments to self.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of self-corrective application statements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write my commitments because of an external motivation of expectation from others, instead of allowing myself to write commitments solely for the purpose of directing self-change effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that "corrective application" is a process onto itself, where I am writing real, practical self-direction statements that serve no purpose if I do not practically live them out in the physical. I actually have to move me physically if I want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will change automatically so long as I commit to writing self-forgiveness. Yup, this is the point I was reaching toward.
--
When and as I see myself writing these self-commitment statements from the starting point of energy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have often breezed through this section because of time pressure, not really considering my commitments practically, and thus effectively wasting my time. I commit myself to take a breath before every commitment statement, if only to see for myself who I am in that moment. For instance, just now I resisted right after typing "I commit myself," and as I took that breath, I saw my resistance was doubt. Self-doubt. Opposite of self-trust.

It is this singular point of self-distrust that is making commitments so difficult, to the point that, in self-honesty,  I am not taking the commitments seriously. Just waiting for the day that they become more effective automatically. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my commitment statements will become more effective without actually having to move myself with effort to live them out in the physical. I commit myself to taking my commitment statements seriously. In that, no longer accept or allow myself to just simply write them for show.

When and as I see myself resisting commitment statements because I do not trust myself to practically live and apply them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my opportunity to change myself. I commit myself to seizing this self-gifted opportunity to change myself by practically living my new, written laws of self.

Thank you.

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