Day 460 - Hidden Backdoors 1

Dimensional assistance:
for tomorrow: really DIGGING IN to the excuses, reasons/justifications that come up - even if you feel you have transcended some, do see if there are any HIDDEN BACKDOORS preventing you from pursuing ideas, dreams, creative expressions that has come up inside yourself


My hidden backdoors:
I'm not good enough. There's always someone better, so it's futile to aim for full acceptance love and support, but my ego self-concept is dearly interested in maintaining this perspective of myself, and so I dare not risk my reputation by standing for life. F*** that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer standing with my ego, and reject most risks, not allowing myself to be vulnerable, and so not stepping into my personal point of power and responsibility as a human on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand my potential, and its relationship to my responsibility to manifest it, wherein what I most want in life, beyond anything else, without a shadow of a doubt, is to live my utmost potential in this lifetime; thus, my responsibility is towards myself, and how much I really want, what I most want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project responsibility as something coming from outside of me, telling me what to do, how to be, or how to live; reacting by creating a rebellious character to fight for MY way, MY perspective, MY independence; and for not taking a breath, taking a moment, and tracing the line of logic within responsibility back to myself, with my best interests in heart, for self and all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take the risks of simply expressing myself, and sharing it with as many as I can. To withhold my expression from others, is a damn shame, because I get the most enjoyment when tuning in and vibing with others.

I commit myself to posting this blog.

I commit myself to stop giving myself a never ending dose of excuses, just to protect my fragile big ego.

I commit myself to take a stand, and come what may, I stand, because my foundation in principled living is strong and unwavering.

I commit myself to the principle of doing what is best for all.

I commit myself to refining and fine tuning my expression of doing what's best for all, so that my personal, daily, habitual living patterns, are equally considered in this equation.

I commit myself to walking the hard path, being honest with myself, and letting go of what used to serve me, so I can adopt new living words and ways of being that better serve what is best for myself and others, equal and one.


Day 460 / 2555

Day 448 - Courageous Vulnerably

There is a time for silence, and a time to speak up.

Walking that line can be a delicate walk of fear, being afraid to say the wrong thing, or to stake ourselves in words, only to be criticized from an angle we hadn't considered. Embarrassment.  I'm Bare Ass Ment. I'm meant to be bare ass, so what's the big whoop?

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that we're all in this this together, going through the same stuff, collectively and individually - and from within this understanding, humbly share what I have to share. The benefits of courageously expressing my experience of life and its inner workings are can be far reaching!

It's worth it for me to write this post, regardless of the measure of its impact on others, because the impact it is having on me = worth it! For me to take this moment, and slow down to a speed where I can confidently place words I want to stand by, publicly -- is a real test of conviction. (great word) It's not going to be perfect, but it builds and accumulates into a more and more fine tuned perspective and articulation of what's going on in me and in this world.

Regularly, courageously vulnerable

is an art form to be mastered! After witnessing several magnificently courageous beings spill their hearts at an open mic poetry night event, I was in beside myself, seeing myself in them, seeing myself in me, and like..."Whoa, I want to do that too!"

Challenge accepted, Self! If I can blog everyday, and I can take care of myself,  I can run a mile nonstop, and I can, I can, I can.... I can certainly stand up in front of a crowd and speak a few lines that really mean something for me. I care, and connecting with others to show and share how I care = is a pretty cool practice.

I commit myself to stepping in front of more people, challenging myself to share from that point of vulnerability that we can all relate with, and find my power.

I commit myself to, no matter how gloomy and/or fearful things get in my life, to always find my way back to center, back to breath, back to purpose, in its many forms. I stand for life equality and oneness. So what have I to show for my #protest to this delinquent reality we find ourselves in?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel my efforts into though-form only, and not actualize my efforts in a grounded, physical and real way. #consistency

At the end of a post, I re-read and edit what I have, once-over. And that's usually a piece of work I can confidently standby. Well, there's no editing IRL, so I consider this blog just practicing grounds. And it's cool because I find that people have a lot to say, but so do I -- so by releasing chunks of it here, I'm able to spend more time listening, and speaking only when fully clear and confident, rather than blabbering on about stuff I've half-processed in my head, many times already. Information can get loopy when it's not grounded in a practice or something alive!

So, thank you for being the public part of my Life Journey Journal. You support me to remember that I'm not just in my room alone on these fateful nights. I'm here with all of you.

Keep on, keeping on.

No matter where you are, take that breath and share your vulnerable self!

#PowerfulStuff

Day 433 - Communication: Opening up

I'm finding it difficult to open up and share myself more deeply, and I think that's because I've got a lot of nasty thoughts moving around in the deeper dimensions of my mind. "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all," I hear my mother demanding. To purify this: If I don't have something nice to say, go write it out and take the points back to myself within the process of initiating self-correction, so that I may embody the solution and live as the example of how I'd like to see everyone else living, regardless of if anyone else does or not!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because I want to hide the nasty thoughts I have about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because this makes me vulnerable and weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT open up because I fear being attacked, and not recognize the opportunity to embrace potential attack, as this could help me shed more layers of ego and specify my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ridiculed, rejected, disparaged because I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore vulnerability within communication, while actively realizing my ego's propensity to take the reactions of others personally, and expressing myself anyway.

I commit myself to push myself further exploring these two dimensions of communication withholding patterns that opened up here: hiding my secret mind nastiness & vulnerability/ego issues.

When and as I see that I am withholding my communication because what I have to say is not nice to say, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do need this practical "guard" over my mouth so as not to offend others and make matters worse. I commit myself to investigate myself, in writing on my own time, regarding the specific point of nastiness that I wanted to speak, so that I may purify myself within the point and clarify my expression to support what is best for all...instead of just spewing my mind.

When and as I see myself stopping from speaking because I fear others with react with mild to severe disagreement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fearing the responses from others because of my inclination to take it personally is drastically limiting myself and my potential contribution in expressing myself with others. So, I commit myself to push through these moments, and embrace the reactions of others, learn from them, embrace myself, and know that I will live to see another day and continue to specify my expression to be more agreeable.

I commit myself to releasing this layer of ego protection (from ridicule, rejection, disagreement) in part by embracing this journey to life, sourcing my strength from life and clarity rather than from relative ego standing; and in part by ending my participation in dishing out ridicule, rejection, and hasty, ill-considered disagreement.

I commit myself to opening myself up within communication by practicing with my partner, and by releasing my secret mind backchat in private writing, to purify the point I want to communicate about before vocally expressing it.

Opening up is cool. Let's all shed our layers and get real here!

Day 432 - Strengthening Weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak, and so try to hide the weakness that I see in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak, and get caught up in the energetic experience of guilt and shame, and try to suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that if I am seen as weak by others, then I must be weak, and so take take extra precaution to not let others see my weakness.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace the exposure of my weaknesses with humility, strength, courage and resolve to take on the challenge of strengthening each specific weakness I identify within me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the strength and courage it takes to be honest with myself about my weaknesses.

--

When and as I see myself hiding from my weakness, or trying to hide my weakness from others, I stop, I breathe. I realize that suppressing awareness of weaknesses in such a way, is a grave weakness in character. I commit myself humble myself and own my weaknesses. I commit myself to transforming weaknesses into strengths, through careful self investigation.

When and as I see myself fearing judgment from others because I don't want to be identified in any particularly negative manner, I stop, I breathe. I realize that such a fear would not exist in me if the self-judgment was not already present within me. I commit myself to face my inadequacies, own them, and direct myself into acceptance or a self-correction process.

When and as I see myself feeling shameful about a character flaw or weakness in me, I stop, I breathe. I recognize this flag-point with gratitude, for shame is the secret to self-realization. I commit myself to embrace shame, and utilize it to walk substantial self change.

I commit myself to embrace weakness, vulnerability and strength.

I commit myself to develop my living potential, in facing all that I have become.

I commit myself to be stronger everyday.

Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction

I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:

"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.

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