Day 438 - Voicing Me

Speaking in an intricate act. Formulation of words to build concepts and understanding is a miraculous feat. Sharing understanding with others is one of the most precious gifts of humanity. I write this blog to share some of the information processing that goes on behind the scenes of me. I have a duty to place myself in words. This is my chief aim. It would seem absurd to continue allowing inFEARiority, in all it's forms, to suppress one of the greatest gifts I can give to all.

I commit myself to stand up within myself to share my understandings to the best of my ability in every interaction, while remaining a humble learner, equal and one with everyone.

I commit myself to contributing my vantage point whenever it can effectively support what is best for all.

Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debase myself with self-diminishing thoughts like "I'm not smart enough to speak in this group of people" or "I have nothing of worth to share" or "I don't want to be ridiculed for my choice of words," as who I am is expressed in my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my words, in fear that by expressing myself, I open myself up to attack.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what anyone says about me or my words, I am not harmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being publicly ostracized, for this means my chances of survival are compromised - or that my chances of being liked by the girl are lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss, when and as I express myself, and so have chosen to rather suppress myself, and through this create the exact loss (of opportunity, of potential) that I feared.

I commit myself to express myself despite fear, put myself out there, and risk it all.

I commit myself to embrace risk, cast off fear, as I stand and express myself within principle.

I commit myself to share myself with the world, and stop this self-diminishing mind program that I've built and participated in since early childhood. Till here, no further.

I commit myself to investigate and release myself from any related systems of self-doubt, when and as they arrive in my conscious mind.

I have one life to live, and time waits for no one. Let's get it done.

Day 433 - Communication: Opening up

I'm finding it difficult to open up and share myself more deeply, and I think that's because I've got a lot of nasty thoughts moving around in the deeper dimensions of my mind. "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all," I hear my mother demanding. To purify this: If I don't have something nice to say, go write it out and take the points back to myself within the process of initiating self-correction, so that I may embody the solution and live as the example of how I'd like to see everyone else living, regardless of if anyone else does or not!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because I want to hide the nasty thoughts I have about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up and sharing myself because this makes me vulnerable and weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT open up because I fear being attacked, and not recognize the opportunity to embrace potential attack, as this could help me shed more layers of ego and specify my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ridiculed, rejected, disparaged because I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore vulnerability within communication, while actively realizing my ego's propensity to take the reactions of others personally, and expressing myself anyway.

I commit myself to push myself further exploring these two dimensions of communication withholding patterns that opened up here: hiding my secret mind nastiness & vulnerability/ego issues.

When and as I see that I am withholding my communication because what I have to say is not nice to say, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do need this practical "guard" over my mouth so as not to offend others and make matters worse. I commit myself to investigate myself, in writing on my own time, regarding the specific point of nastiness that I wanted to speak, so that I may purify myself within the point and clarify my expression to support what is best for all...instead of just spewing my mind.

When and as I see myself stopping from speaking because I fear others with react with mild to severe disagreement, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fearing the responses from others because of my inclination to take it personally is drastically limiting myself and my potential contribution in expressing myself with others. So, I commit myself to push through these moments, and embrace the reactions of others, learn from them, embrace myself, and know that I will live to see another day and continue to specify my expression to be more agreeable.

I commit myself to releasing this layer of ego protection (from ridicule, rejection, disagreement) in part by embracing this journey to life, sourcing my strength from life and clarity rather than from relative ego standing; and in part by ending my participation in dishing out ridicule, rejection, and hasty, ill-considered disagreement.

I commit myself to opening myself up within communication by practicing with my partner, and by releasing my secret mind backchat in private writing, to purify the point I want to communicate about before vocally expressing it.

Opening up is cool. Let's all shed our layers and get real here!

Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct

By dancing around the issue, I've been leaving grey areas and back doors for myself to get out of my responsibilities. When I know I need to do something and don't do it, there was something missing from the picture. What did I not take into consideration when framing my tasks of the day?

And I'm talking about being clear and direct with myself to become more effective with my self-direction, but this would apply for communicating direction to others as well. I have found several instances recently where I wasn't communicating clearing within my questions, and the result was receiving frustrated questions in return instead of answers. So if I don't communicate clearly, direct and to the point, I find it much more difficult to work with others to meet really any goal. It would then make sense that if I'm finding it difficult to meet my own goals, perhaps I'm not being absolutely clear with myself.

To clarify ;) this is not a mere knowing what I want to accomplish. To be direct and clear in relation to a desired outcome, I need to factor in all relevant points. I must consider my current weaknesses and strengths, so I can recognize and stop a self-sabotage pattern and amplify my strong suits with strategy. I must consider the facts and my relationship with each of them. I must consider my why, my purpose, my operating principle, my who I am defined by the choices and physical outflow that I create. What am I missing? Also a question I need to ask myself.

When the answers start pouring at me, I must then also give myself direction. So being clear and direct allows me to have clear direction, but that self-direction is only worth as much as the follow through in physical reality.

Preparation should also be mentioned here. Without it, it is far to easy to get overwhelmed and cycle in self-defeat. Until I can clearly and directly see all relevant points in self honesty, in the moment of a single breath, I must prepare myself to stand. As I'm developing self-trust, I must show myself that I can trust myself. The best way that I can think to prove my trustworthiness is to first conduct the necessary research to fully understand what I am asking myself to do when setting a goal, and then to actually do it.

The current friction is coming from setting goals that I'm not prepared to accomplish. I need to sit myself down and directly show myself what is required to do, why, and how. A physical plan of action, of practical and immediate points, that I can move in alignment with what is best for me and all. To leave a hole or a way out of the understanding my role and accountability within this is to be dishonest with myself.

Self-honesty is no walk in the park. It's more like running down a rocky mountain. Each step must be specifically placed, so that the body weight can be effectively transferred, to be able to position the next step specifically. This very physical movement requires a flow of efficient decision making, which in turn requires a moment of foresight. If you aren't planning the next step before landing the current step, you won't be able to decide how the physical body must balance and shift accordingly. This is parkour philosophy.

I commit myself to parkour through my work day.

More on this tomorrow.

photo credit 

Day 282 - Self-Judgement Quicksand

While driving the 6 hour trip down to Santa Barbara, CA for a final visit before my remaining friends graduate, I listened to several EQAFE interviews. This one called Omnipresence of Self Judgement really stood out in terms of the descriptive visuals of the experience and dynamics of self-judgement.

In my own language, I conceptualize the judgements of myself feeling like quicksand. At first I wanted to say 'like cement,' but that word implies more of a hopelessness. Specifically, this comes up for me in the moment before I might assert myself socially or professionally. Instead of taking a breath and just speaking what I want to say, I find myself sinking backward into the center of the quicksand of my mind. The more I fight with myself in my mind, the fast I build up the resistance energy into a complete unlikelihood of speaking up.

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Even asking for assistance, sometimes I'll get choked up within the same way. Quicksand is deadly! And self-judgement has been deadly in my social/professional life. This is not acceptable. Today marks the beginning of a new awareness venture: How do I judge myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up in a moment of interpersonal interaction and continue within my mind domain through various negative backchat related to how or why I shouldn't assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my relationship to my mind and internal reactions when I experience a fear of speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own inner dialogue instead of participating in reality in being here with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander into potentialities that I create in my mind and not realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail if I am to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure in such a way that it feels like it would be the end of me if that failure were to happen. Within this there is a fear of embarrassment that comes from having to uphold a reputation or external definition of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the safer route by not asserting myself at all, in this defining failure as a worse than not trying...which is a guaranteed failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my failure by inaction, so I do not have to recognize the failure consequence, and in this protect my 'shy' personality and remain within the belief that to try and fail is more scary and not worth it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that success only comes through failing, learning, and trying again. I only ever really fail when I stop trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try, and to justify that within fear based backchat, and to believe those justifications are valid.

When and as I see myself going into my mind when in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not need to consult my inner self via thoughts to be able to effectively interact with my environment. I commit myself to giving myself the opportunities to try, to fail, and to learn and keep breathing.

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I once read that the first step to getting out of quicksand is to be completely still..

Day 153 - Validity, Self-Worth & Clear Communication

In the environment of high school friends, the primary question that arises is: "What are you doing with your life?"  Everyone is curious to know who each other has become since those high school days that seem like they were long, long ago. I think the curiosity stems from a desire for feedback/validation. In explaining our "life position" to each other, we get to see the reaction of the group and use it to place ourselves into perspective from a relational standpoint. In fact, as I was getting ready for a particular quad-friendship reunion, I experienced a tad of nervousness..

"How well am I going to be able to articulate what I'm doing?"
    - Process doesn't fit into a preconceived idea for how one spends their time, and so it requires a more at-length explanation...assuming other's will ask about more information.
    - Have not yet established a comfortable relationship to explaining what Desteni is.

"Will they negatively judge my chosen life path thus far?"
    - the only reason this matters is because of the point of defining myself from others' feedback.

"Will I still have that same positive, 'funny-guy' personality?"
    - similar point to above. Fear of future, based from positive, past memories. Also fear of change here.

That's the basis of what I allowed my mind to do this morning. My actual experience was heavy on the first point: couldn't articulate what I was doing very effectively. Fear of judgment was lowly charged, maybe because I worked on the defining self within the perceived judgments of my friends a little bit yesterday (obviously still not clear). The third point was interesting, because I didn't have to try very hard at all to fall right back into my old personality. My carefree demeanor was more present than not, but in self-honesty, there was some backchat doubt that I wasn't as relaxed or cool and carefree as I could might have been in high school. Most of the nervousness came from this, but the experience was well suppressed, and overall I was pretty much "myself."

From: desteniartists.blogspot.com

Key point here is dealing with self defined by others, specifically past friends. Second point is related to uncomfortability with speaking about process and self-forgiveness. Let's begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on the reactions of others to establish my self-identity and self-worth. Within this mental worry, I've created unnecessary hindrance on self-expression because of fear of the future from living in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the past, project self-doubt into my future interactions and not realize how I've been manifesting the doubt in real-time for allowing myself to participate in the future fear projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my validity and self-worth exists within how others perceive my life's work and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that the need to convince my friends of my validity is all that matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my past positive self/other-judgments as moments of accumulated validity and self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself according to the sum total accumulation of past positive experiences while suppressing the negative ones and creating personality characters to discredit the suppressed fears of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inarticulate with explaining the surface summary of the desteni message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as 'inarticulate' through participating with the fear I've connected to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to not being understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopelessly misunderstood and not take the responsibility of clear communication within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they must have a hard time hearing me from the get go, before I even give myself the chance to establish effective communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from effective communication through the allowance of fearing the fear connected to ineffective communication.

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When and as I see myself participating within my mental projections of possible future playouts, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear of futures is built of the substance of past experience, and that only with my allowance of myself to define myself in and from my past do I create fear of future. I commit myself to letting go of each moment of accumulated self-definition that is a charged memory, positive and negative.

I commit myself to breathing when the tendency is to try and predict how I will be perceived or listened to, so that I may physically direct myself to be effective from the starting point of each breath.

I commit myself to patiently stopping the mental participation of past and future social interactions.

I commit myself to just be me, here, within the stability of every breath, and no longer worrying about future interactions that are nothing more than fear-born illusions that create my present interpersonal demeanor without me realizing it.

When and as I see myself worrying about my future presentation of myself in future interactions, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to the continual realizing that my participation in mind creates a consequential outflow that affects my personality or personalities.

I commit myself to showing others that these personalities are self-created systems used to navigate the world, and that I can remain stable and effective within a fresh starting point of every breath without creating a personality to augment/manipulate my environment separate from me, here.

I commit myself to the realization process of myself as one with my environment and others so I can effectively create best for all outflows.

I commit myself to no longer simply living in fear of the past definitions of myself being or not being in the future as if the future already exists and is something to be feared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a nonexistent future and simultaneously create that which I fear without realizing me as the creator of my world in each lived moment.

I commit myself to living each moment within self-honesty, so that I can correct myself from each new moment and stop the mental participation of which fear had been allowed to create my future.

I commit myself to realizing myself in and as fear, stopping it, breathing, and directing self in alignment with what's best for all.

Thanks and welcome.

Day 149 - Becoming Self-Honest & Realigning Perspective

The points I've identified the past few days:

- Energy of defending what I've accepted and allowed myself to express myself with/as
   * Defending superiority / opinion / perspective
       - Denying common sense to protect expressed opinion within an energy-emotion

- Creating others' possible thoughts about me / abdicating responsibility for open & honest communication
   * Giving up on self and other to reach shared understanding

- Fear of failure
   * Projecting this onto others
      - Using this to determine what they're likely thinking
   * Leading to being overwhelmed by future and indecisive
      - fear of future -> BIG ONE to be gradually deconstructed

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Specific forgiveness today is focused on the first two main points relating to judgement of others' and their perspectives in relation to where I perceive my perception to be greater, more encompassing, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having superior/higher perspective than others and thus not facilitate equal and one communication as listening as I would like to be heard, and speaking as if speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my perspective so that I do not have to experience the humiliation of being incorrect or having a lesser perspective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of losing when my perspective is lesser, so that I only see what is good and reinforces the positive conception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and accumulate a positive perspective of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to build and accumulate a negative perspective of myself.

I realize that there are many specific circumstances/situations in my past that I have used to reinforce this self-perception that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the accumulation of memories of myself in relation to certain points that I did not consider myself as equal and one with, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the external within judgement so that I could benefit by having the best perspective for me.

There is a lot going on here, and when I'm this abstract and general in my writing, I am building each statement using specific memories/moments, and that is the meat I need to dig up to effectively disengage from my limited, constructed perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carefully construct my perspective so that I can more often have the superior insight and create a mental conception of myself to be superior within knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the times I'm wrong, so that I may continue to build myself up within ego and define myself as superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am treading on loved ones to get a higher perspective, when all along, all I ever really wanted was what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I only ever wanted what was best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have succumbed to programming defensive, superiority-seeking personalities from the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be enough, that I am inferior, unable, unable to communicate, unable to be understood, and thus have created myself with these fears, and created a personality set to "overcome" these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to cover up my fears by copying what I saw as the opposite, and never really living my self expression without fear involvement.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to predict what others may be thinking and thus react to my projection onto them, never really giving them an equal and one opportunity to express themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that "I am right and they are wrong," as I enter a conversation. I commit myself to breathing and noticing the design of my reactive communication so not to perpetuate the limited understanding from a pre-conceived perspective of how a conversation will go. and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not patiently give others the floor and hear them as I would like to be heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assert myself when I would like to be heard and rather go on to have internal-conversation alongside a negative experience of frustration that I had not been able to have been heard/understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that frustration onto others by blaming them for not listening to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to myself and others while my focus is on perfection and superior perspective because of fear of being wrong, so all I'm hearing is that which contributes to being right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively listen for information that confirms what I've already come to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as inferior communicators while I suppress the facts that I am an inferior communicator because that is the fear that I've worked to overcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the belief of myself as an effective communicator by over-emphasizing the memories of when I have reached shared understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice common sense reality in the pursuit of higher knowledge, where I've allowed a thought train to appear so correct that I disregard everything that's not in alignment with that knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct knowledge as "special insight that only I have" instead of simply learning and applying knowledge to situations as needed within common sense and the purest pursuit of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-up on others in reaching shared understanding, from the beginning point of doubting that the other will be able to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of failing to be understood through an effective use of words, and not realize that I am projecting the doubt and fear that others can't hear me and having that lead to me manifesting my fear as not being able to communicate effectively because of fear of failure.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be understood by another, I stop I breathe, and continue to speak from the awareness of my breath. I realize that I am projecting my fear of failure onto my interactions and allowing that energy of failure to direct me. I commit myself to taking back my self-direction and speaking from self-honesty.

I commit myself to speaking from self-honesty. I commit myself to stop speaking strictly from knowledge and information. I commit myself to speak as an equal and stop trying to prove my perspective to be more correct.

I commit myself to purifying my perspective and so in relation to others' perspectives, all is considered, and I am no longer defending and justifying my limited mental existence. I commit myself to respecting others as equals with me.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am allowing moodiness to direct me in conversation, and realigning to reality, here, within the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to stop predicting what others' perspectives are, and allow myself to be patient with others by giving them the space to express themselves fully.

I commit myself to allowing myself the patience to express myself fully.

I commit myself to decoding every branch of expression tied to the base anxiety I allow myself to exist as from time to time, and work toward the point of specifically forgiving the source of anxiety, to be able to ultimately allow myself the freedom and time to actually do the work, instead of getting overwhelmed by it within fear of failure or fear of the image of fear as messing up or not doing/saying something to yield desired results. < nice

I commit myself to stop trying to control conversational outcome within attempting to avoid my created fear-playouts where the result is not in the benefit of my self-interest as being understood and right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a multitude of mental failure playouts from which I guide my expression of myself or don't and turn inwards with an internal backchat conversation outflow.

I commit myself to stop backchat.

I commit myself to establishing clarity for myself and others in relation to any point by slowing down within my breathing application and not allowing fear to keep me from speaking WITH my words IN reality.

I commit myself to listening to myself and others.

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave the reality, here, to go off in thought as reaction to achieve greater insight than what is necessary to be effective because I fear not being effective.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that does not support me in common sense.

I commit myself to ditching the egocentric point of view where all I consider is how I am right and how to prove it to the other. I commit myself to stop separating myself from knowledge and information as placing it as something beyond me and to be proved to or validated by others.

I commit myself to understanding how & why I am not being self-honest when I've forgotten about breathing, so that I may utilize that point as writing substance to further understand myself through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to continue with a slice of my personalized design of fear of future and the related points recognized thus far.