Day 194 - Priority for Process

Self First. I repeat:

SELF FIRST.

I look around and what do I see? I see people going through the daily motions of considering their self first. Before I was walking process, that's all I cared about: How to get ahead, how make money, how to be happy and sociable. So, it is primarily a daily goal of managing or creating emotional experiences of satisfaction. Am I on the right track to fulfill my desires and be happy? With this aim, the fears of failure step in: Can I find my soul mate? How will I make money and still have time for my happiness?

Alright, so this is a broad depiction fear and desires that are largely my own, though we all may share them. What is the difference between me and non-destonians? I am still pursing my interests, thought with a vague interweave of the principle of what's best for all. I say "vague" because I am not yet standing absolutely within what is best for all in every breath. I still eat candy, bite my nails and desire the company of others. These are the three primary points for me at the moment. These points get in the way of my focused self-direction. There is an energy. Residual habits.

One reason for delaying my process of sorting out these nuances of my own allowed behavior is the point of others. I want to help others see, realize, and understand what Desteni stands for. It's like an impulsiveness to just advocate (like in Day 7). I have a tendency to want to blame this design on my parents, which is yet another externalization, or abdication of responsibility. I am responsible for myself first. And this is the point. I started a thread on the forums about this point back when I started, and this particular post about sums it up. Since then I've been resisting the urge to share my process in relation to being Destonian. Now, I'm finally starting to see how Self comes first, and I can assist and support others with myself and after I have helped myself, not first. Others are doing their own lives, and just because I have chosen to take responsibility for the entire world system...well, it doesn't make any difference unless I am in action. I have made a choice, and now I must follow through in word, action and deed to not be hypocritical and ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of manifesting world peace must start within Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that "if I can only just convince others of the solution, I won't have to put in the work" or actually become the solution myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself in relation to everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in separation of myself, where I am conceptualized in my mind as "great/powerful" or the flip "nothing/insecure."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself here in and as every breath, not as a conception of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring my process of self back to self, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the conception of myself, and so move into all sorts of thought & feelings reactions that contribute to the process of my self-definition.

Ok, key moment here: Process for self-concept or for Self-here. This is the answer to my question earlier: Why am I different than others in my life? It's because I am working a process toward identifying with self-here, and stopping my allowance of excuses and justifications for spending effort to work for the self-concept, which is largely defined by how others see us and how we feel internally.

Wooooooo! What a pivotal concept. Process for Self. Self-Here. It's going to take time to move the self-definition from an unstable mental conception into my physical. It's kind of a foreign notion. Before the Destonian Support Group, we all just "thought, and so we are." Welcome "breathing therefore we live." To discern where I am supporting what's best for my mental image (which comes with pre-loaded feelings; within the causal argument against free will, where past dictates the future, fulfillment of our destiny) vs. supporting what best for the physical Self and All (working for a new desteni, where all life will truly be supported; peace on earth).

Artwork by Anna

How this all ties in: working shit out for self first. I need to focus on my own process through the realization and understanding that I am one and equal with all parts of the universe. I am a fractal of the physical existence. WoooHooo! I'm stoked to be alive. Time to get serious and make this about me in the physical realm, so that I can most effectively support all life in the physical, instead of feeding the energies of the self-conception and egos of this world.

When and as I see myself judging others for not giving the same amount of attention and care to this physical reality as I, I stop I breathe. Realizing that each has their own process to walk, I commit myself to focusing my own process.

When and as I feel the urge to dispense knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that my internal self-concept is the driving force behind this, as I want, need and desire others to have a mutual understanding. I also realize that I do not fully understand all the points of becoming a physical breathing body that supports what best for life at all times. I commit myself to stopping this hypocritical tendency through flag pointing and writing about each occurrence, not getting upset with myself for failing, and to persist in this purification process of self.

When and as I see myself playing a part in Process for an externalized point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must bring myself back to myself here in my breathing and do work for me. I commit myself walking process for self and others with the consideration of myself, within my process, first.

When and as I see myself working towards ego-fulfillment, I stop I breathe. I realize that standing within my physical is a mere breath and self-direction. I commit myself to taking that essential breath, and when the energy clears, to write about whatever experience I had in relation to attachment to myself as a mental conception.

Breathing. Until next time.

Day 181 - Physical aside vs. Mental jump

Thanks Kitty!  pic from Day 10

When I don't know what to write or how to begin one of these entries, I have realized the effectiveness of just simply beginning to write. This was a particularly cool moment of deciding what to write on today because my cat helped me out. I was just beginning to get into my writing about how it is that I jump from one task to the next in a moment of even the slightest resistance toward the initial task, and my cat that I call "kitty" interrupted me. I talked back to her, "you just creep up to me, cast a single 'meow' and get my attention so easily." I realized that I was just writing about distractions, but this was a different caliber of distraction.

Physically induced aside vs Mental jump. This is what I wrote verbatim in my journal after excitingly thanking her for helping me achieve the insight that inspired today's post :)

A physical distraction is much different than my own mental thinking distractions, yet also very similar in how they both take my attention away from the present task. A physical distraction is more acceptable in my opinion, and when a physical distraction is unwanted, it's easier to say no to. A mental distraction with an energy attached, for instance, the energy of curiosity, is very easy to follow, especially when faced with a more mundane alternative, primary task.

So, the prevalent point I've been working with: "Procrastination," has a new perspective that I intend to utilize to cross-reference when I am having trouble focusing on a task or daily set of tasks.

Adding perspective:
Why do I follow the mentally induced distractions? Appealing, interesting, more interesting, don't want to forget it, fear I won't get around to it, now or never, only productive in pursuing these mental asides while procrastinating a primary task. Ok, some good stuff to work with here.

Why do I allow myself to deviate from primary task? Resistance (could be many reasons; case-by-case exploration here): Unsure, uncertain, fear of wrong, fear of criticism, fear of less than great...[note here, mental haze into vague guessing of what others will think of my writing as I bite skin on middle finger, right hand], too much work, straining. Ok, I have work to do in demystifying* external work. I've placed all sort of pre-conceived notions of experience likelihood onto external work (in separation of myself).

*"demystifying" is a vocab term I learned from Neo-Tech, a $100 book I bought from a mail-flyer when I was in 6th grade, haha. It was a very hard read that I never finished, but I pulled some pretty helpful concepts of how mind/reality operates. I consider it to be one of the first stepping stones of my truth-seeking journey. As I remember it, to demystify was essential to freeing oneself from the mind-controlled way of life where we just follow suit with the rest of the populace. ...It's actually quite like the notion behind self-forgiveness, now that I look at it. Interesting. General mindset toward Neo-Tech from outsiders: "cult," haha.

Back to here. Now in this example of writing about 'demystify' as a distraction or side-track time sink: it was physically induced through writing. I suppose I kept it going via a mental choice, but how else would I write. I am writing from the starting point of free-flow-figure-it-out, so it's chill. It's not an extensive distraction within avoidance of the primary task of writing this post.

...another distraction, physically induced by music, I started a search on YouTube for the original version of Our Day Will Come. As I was watching the video, I realized myself within the distraction, traced it back to how it started, then decided to let it keep playing in the background while I log what just happened. Back to here, I realize that I can always come back to myself to direct myself. I can always trace the source of my distraction in self-honesty. Bring self back to here is THE KEY of keys.

So, all my struggles with procrastination can come down to self remembering self here; just before writing this sentence, I started closing open tabs that I no longer needed. This was a secondary task that was physically induced by sight, after responding to the end of the song and turning on another version of the song. All it takes is that moment of "what am I doing?" "what was I doing?" Self-check.

Now, furthermore and interestingly, I've been checking myself because of the content of my writing. As I continue to develop my relationship to myself within my physical breath, I will have a more stable cross-referencing point of self-honesty. That's the goal anyways.

Regardless of the type of distraction, I realize that I can always stop, breathe, and check why I have allowed my self to move within the deviation. Sometimes, this can feel out of control / overwhelming. Self-forgiveness need be applied here for allowing the energy of overwhelmingness to take control and misguide oneself into helplessness.

Ok, enough for now. Thanks for reading, and I'll continue tomorrow with the self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to try to force others to see the merit of walking the process of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doing the good thing by telling others what they should do, not realizing the importance of walking process for self alone and how other's must walk it for themselves alone, too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have bee stealing the moment of self-realization away from others by imposing what I think is the realization for them in their context, where I'm only really providing a solution that isn't considering everything, and so it fuels their drive to debate/argue/find their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my impulsed thoughts without considering what's here in the context of all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ignore by breath and follow the energetic rise within me as "thought + feeling of right -> speaking it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and investigate the reactions within me in how they relate to who I am / where I am in process of discovering self as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help others before I've helped myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "if only I get a bunch of others to join desteni, then I've been a worthy contribution and my my application of myself is not as important."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've justified my advocacy character of placing others before self, and equated self as less, and so not worth my time.

This is a cool realization. The math of it looks like this: I am 1 person, but up against 10 others, I am less. Here, I did not realize oneness and equality, where 1 = all, so I = 10 others. Or 10 others is equal to my process. Only in limitation of separation am I able to hide as 1 up against 10, where 10-1 = 9 and is an overwhelming majority, and so justify not having to do work. :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in overwhelmingness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal with all. Each one is the all, and all is all, so all = 1. No separation. So I could say that if I don't walk process, no one walks process. And so, I commit myself to walking process for me alone (because alone = all one).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I cannot change others nor is it my responsibility to change others outside of me. If I stand in separation of another, I am out of line in trying to change them, where I am basically robbing them of their opportunity to self-realize, delaying process as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am prolonging process by trying to be help others before I help myself. I commit myself to STOP this in one moment, repeatedly.

When and as I see myself attempting to solve another's problems within a hasty mental grasping of the the problem outside of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that it is their responsibility to solve their own problems as they choose. I commit myself to attempting to only solve my own problems and assist others only when I am one and equal with the solution, and not trying to solve their issue from a self-interested starting point within separation (essentially, trying to prove to myself and other that I am smart and able to quickly solve new problems)

When and as I see myself justifying my impulse to help others with problems because I think they will move faster...oh snap, I've been doing this for a long time...justifying my egoistic aide...I stop this, I breathe. I now realize that I am not helping, and rather, I am not helping myself when I should be. I see how I am compromising self and other by standing in separation and not truly seeing myself or other as I just speak as.within the energetic impulse thought of reaction. I commit myself to turning back to myself within any and all charges/reactions toward other's problems.

When and as I see myself feeling praise or looking for praise in solving another's issues, I stop I breathe. I realize that WHEN ASKED, I can help if I understand the entire context and simply share my perspective without seeking praise. I commit myself to recognizing when an answer results in a positive feeling within me, and I commit myself to then investigate what my relationships are within that context to see where I have defined myself in limitation. I commit myself to forgive all self-definitions of separation that charge beliefs of who I am in relation to others. If I learn to be a mechanic, then I obviously will know more about something than someone else, but this is no longer accepted to charge my belief that I am separate and more than. Different and equal will come to define my evolution this year.

When and as I see myself in allowance of the movement of becoming overwhlemed, I stop I breathe. There is no excuse. I am not the energy of overwhelmed. I am not the victim of energy. I am stable. I am here. I am this physical existence and equally my mind.

So, I welcome my mind to assist and support me. I no longer accept and allow myself to be moved by the mind without consideration. I will investigate all points of self in relation to oneness and equality. Until it is done.

When and as I see myself in separation of another, within reactive speech, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am following a mentally impulsed thought based on memories. I commit myself to the correction process that will take much work, by following each thought-impulse back into myself to discover the source of the program within me, forgive myself for creating it, either directly or by conditioned allowance, and walk the change as the expression of my self-willed self-direction within the common sense alignment of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself as less, I stop I breathe. I realize there are an extensive amount of circumstances where this applies. I commit myself to investigating all of them.

When and as I see myself stealing an opportunity of self-realization from another, I stop I breathe. I reconsider who I am in relation to the point. I commit myself to speaking from a breath, rather than a thought. I commit myself to doing self-forgiveness for whenever I follow/become/express a thought as me, so that I may ultimately realize myself as the breath of the physical.

Enough. I've had enough writing and I bet you had enough reading (unless you just skipped to the end).

Tomorrow I will check my relationship to haste and close this series, unless, of course, it needs more attention. Thanks.

P.S. Today's focus topic was determined yesterday but written after listening to Cats 3, and this particular interview certainly influenced the realizations written above. I recommend this interview.

free use photo from flikr

Day 168 - Got to get here quick! p.4

Today, I'm going to lay out another dimension of my relationship with time that has to do with time orientation/perspective. I was reading something a while back and the essence of it was: What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?

cc

I was deeply intrigued by this. It opened up a new, multidimensional perspective on time for me. How we each related to time can be experienced by different emotions or lack there of, which has long been my preference. I saw people stressing out, and I didn't want to be like that, so I decided to relax, and treat time as if there was plenty of it. No rush, was more fun. This was before responsibility & maturity started to hit.

In this process of familiarizing myself with who I am as one and equal with the whole of existence, I've suddenly lost all my inessential time. I no longer can waste my free time on purely self-interested indulgences. Have I stopped them all yet? No.

My mission is to find why I am still wasting my time, work through all the layers of self-interested reasoning, let them go with self-forgiveness, and live in alignment with what's best for all. Why would one do this? Why give up fun experiences? It depends on how you frame it, but I call it responsibility. If I want to be effective, I can't waste valuable moments of potential.

This is not a simple point. Much to consider; however, the best-for-all perspective is an incredibly helpful tool of discernment. With it, I can see myself not being responsible. When not responsible, especially in the context of total responsibility for all, I know that I am in self-interest and compromising what's best for self and all.

And it's not about no enjoying self in this existence. There is a balance in being mature and responsible. I do work, I have fun. If I delay work, I don't have fun.

This is it.

I've reached another key to my time orientation problem. I am placing importance on fun, and in so doing, I delay work and compromise true enjoyment. If I just got my responsibilities done first and foremost, I can have fun and balance the equation within. I've been balanced, I suppose balance may very well be inevitable, except I'm not really enjoying myself in this game catch -up during the last minute.

The other side of the coin is captured in this self-definition created around 10 years go: "I procrastinate my work, but I am not a life procrastinator." Essentially telling myself and several others that I do what I can to get ahead in life so I'm successful and can avoid the struggle I associate with not planning.

So, there are a few things going on here, and it all relates back to the question: "What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?" I've been ignoring the importance of my next 5 minutes, and allowing it because I oriented myself to a more long term perspective of making sure that I would be on track within my life. So as long as I knew where I was going in the long term, I only took care of daily responsibilities when I had to, to ensure that my long-term was stable.

That's how I could live with my delay: Through the mental conception of being ahead in life...and one of the determining points of reference for this self-assessment, was of course others. As long as my vision for the future of my life was looking better than others, I was happy, and I rested easy.

Being sober from alcohol for over a year, I've externalized this concept onto people who did get drunk, thinking that they can live with themselves and fuck up their nights, because they allow it because their long-term is on track. It seemed semi-reasonable, and I believed it possible to still be successful and get wasted, as long as the long-term was in check. I didn't let myself realize that I was compromising myself in the same way without alcohol.

Externalization, projection: it can all be brought back to self, and for this perspective I am eternally grateful.

So recap of today's perspective:

- Time is relative to perspective

- Getting ahead in life, permits delay of the moment (NOT)

- Having fun before work is only a good idea within effective planning.

   - Postponing work, unplanned, produces unpleasant outcome in retrospect, nearly every time.

So my goal within all of this, is to figure out why I still exist within delay (one major reason being, justified future/long-term plan), so that my 5 minute plan is responsible in producing an effect that is best for me and all. Simple.

Tomorrow I will continue with a concise version of the points from today followed by specific self-forgiveness.

I leave you with the question(s): How will you spend you next 5 minutes? hour? day? week? month? year? minute? :)

Afterthought

It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty.

Day 159 - Lacking leadership

The moment of self-direction is elusive and yet always here.

The pattern of the day I'm going to try and capture is the difference between giving up or giving in to a mind dominion state, and a self-honest directive. What I do is go into my mind when I perceive that I can't handle life or a certain aspect of it. For instance, I may be 'participating' in a social circle or even in conversation with one individual, and I find my own thoughts more interesting than what's going on in RL (real life). So, like an ADD child, BAMM, I'm off somewhere else. I've developed a nice set of consequences in so doing. I doubt myself, I wish I was more like the cool kids that seemed to be more socially invested and present with others more. It was leadership. It is leadership that I separate myself from others. I've long desired to be a leader. I lack leadership.

This is a key judgement & realization for me. I've been existing in separation of leadership, placing it very high on the pedestal, seeing it only in others and not myself. I read and long aspired to acquire leadership skills. I didn't really think to much about self-leadership and what that would entail.

SO, here's the deal. I'm going to map this one out and get back to you (me) tomorrow. There is a lot embedded in this separation/desire for leadership skills. I realize that I've been trying to show myself what I need to change through envying other's leadership qualities.

I ever commit myself to the self-discovery efforts required to exist as the change I see is best. I am here, writing for me and you if you want to read and join along. (Just join along, and start your journey to life. You'll thank you later.)

To be continued tomorrow.

Day 149 - Becoming Self-Honest & Realigning Perspective

The points I've identified the past few days:

- Energy of defending what I've accepted and allowed myself to express myself with/as
   * Defending superiority / opinion / perspective
       - Denying common sense to protect expressed opinion within an energy-emotion

- Creating others' possible thoughts about me / abdicating responsibility for open & honest communication
   * Giving up on self and other to reach shared understanding

- Fear of failure
   * Projecting this onto others
      - Using this to determine what they're likely thinking
   * Leading to being overwhelmed by future and indecisive
      - fear of future -> BIG ONE to be gradually deconstructed

--

Specific forgiveness today is focused on the first two main points relating to judgement of others' and their perspectives in relation to where I perceive my perception to be greater, more encompassing, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having superior/higher perspective than others and thus not facilitate equal and one communication as listening as I would like to be heard, and speaking as if speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my perspective so that I do not have to experience the humiliation of being incorrect or having a lesser perspective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of losing when my perspective is lesser, so that I only see what is good and reinforces the positive conception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and accumulate a positive perspective of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to build and accumulate a negative perspective of myself.

I realize that there are many specific circumstances/situations in my past that I have used to reinforce this self-perception that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the accumulation of memories of myself in relation to certain points that I did not consider myself as equal and one with, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the external within judgement so that I could benefit by having the best perspective for me.

There is a lot going on here, and when I'm this abstract and general in my writing, I am building each statement using specific memories/moments, and that is the meat I need to dig up to effectively disengage from my limited, constructed perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carefully construct my perspective so that I can more often have the superior insight and create a mental conception of myself to be superior within knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the times I'm wrong, so that I may continue to build myself up within ego and define myself as superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am treading on loved ones to get a higher perspective, when all along, all I ever really wanted was what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I only ever wanted what was best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have succumbed to programming defensive, superiority-seeking personalities from the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be enough, that I am inferior, unable, unable to communicate, unable to be understood, and thus have created myself with these fears, and created a personality set to "overcome" these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to cover up my fears by copying what I saw as the opposite, and never really living my self expression without fear involvement.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to predict what others may be thinking and thus react to my projection onto them, never really giving them an equal and one opportunity to express themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that "I am right and they are wrong," as I enter a conversation. I commit myself to breathing and noticing the design of my reactive communication so not to perpetuate the limited understanding from a pre-conceived perspective of how a conversation will go. and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not patiently give others the floor and hear them as I would like to be heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assert myself when I would like to be heard and rather go on to have internal-conversation alongside a negative experience of frustration that I had not been able to have been heard/understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that frustration onto others by blaming them for not listening to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to myself and others while my focus is on perfection and superior perspective because of fear of being wrong, so all I'm hearing is that which contributes to being right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively listen for information that confirms what I've already come to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as inferior communicators while I suppress the facts that I am an inferior communicator because that is the fear that I've worked to overcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the belief of myself as an effective communicator by over-emphasizing the memories of when I have reached shared understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice common sense reality in the pursuit of higher knowledge, where I've allowed a thought train to appear so correct that I disregard everything that's not in alignment with that knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct knowledge as "special insight that only I have" instead of simply learning and applying knowledge to situations as needed within common sense and the purest pursuit of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-up on others in reaching shared understanding, from the beginning point of doubting that the other will be able to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of failing to be understood through an effective use of words, and not realize that I am projecting the doubt and fear that others can't hear me and having that lead to me manifesting my fear as not being able to communicate effectively because of fear of failure.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be understood by another, I stop I breathe, and continue to speak from the awareness of my breath. I realize that I am projecting my fear of failure onto my interactions and allowing that energy of failure to direct me. I commit myself to taking back my self-direction and speaking from self-honesty.

I commit myself to speaking from self-honesty. I commit myself to stop speaking strictly from knowledge and information. I commit myself to speak as an equal and stop trying to prove my perspective to be more correct.

I commit myself to purifying my perspective and so in relation to others' perspectives, all is considered, and I am no longer defending and justifying my limited mental existence. I commit myself to respecting others as equals with me.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am allowing moodiness to direct me in conversation, and realigning to reality, here, within the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to stop predicting what others' perspectives are, and allow myself to be patient with others by giving them the space to express themselves fully.

I commit myself to allowing myself the patience to express myself fully.

I commit myself to decoding every branch of expression tied to the base anxiety I allow myself to exist as from time to time, and work toward the point of specifically forgiving the source of anxiety, to be able to ultimately allow myself the freedom and time to actually do the work, instead of getting overwhelmed by it within fear of failure or fear of the image of fear as messing up or not doing/saying something to yield desired results. < nice

I commit myself to stop trying to control conversational outcome within attempting to avoid my created fear-playouts where the result is not in the benefit of my self-interest as being understood and right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a multitude of mental failure playouts from which I guide my expression of myself or don't and turn inwards with an internal backchat conversation outflow.

I commit myself to stop backchat.

I commit myself to establishing clarity for myself and others in relation to any point by slowing down within my breathing application and not allowing fear to keep me from speaking WITH my words IN reality.

I commit myself to listening to myself and others.

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave the reality, here, to go off in thought as reaction to achieve greater insight than what is necessary to be effective because I fear not being effective.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that does not support me in common sense.

I commit myself to ditching the egocentric point of view where all I consider is how I am right and how to prove it to the other. I commit myself to stop separating myself from knowledge and information as placing it as something beyond me and to be proved to or validated by others.

I commit myself to understanding how & why I am not being self-honest when I've forgotten about breathing, so that I may utilize that point as writing substance to further understand myself through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to continue with a slice of my personalized design of fear of future and the related points recognized thus far.