Day 368 - Releasing Body Image Attachment

Wikipedia: Masculinity

This is one of those posts that I resist writing because I have an idea about how it won't get finished, it won't be effective, or it's too soon to make this process point public. I'm not standing for my mind to tell me how to behave anymore. If I see a point that I need to address, do I really want a fear of incapability to direct me away from the process of true self-change. Any significant and real change is a process. Which leads me to ask myself: Am I going to continue to allowing my immediate self-judgment mechanism sabotage the process of self-change before I even start?! Trust me it gets old. Save yourself the time and just push yourself to focus on physically verifiable moment-to-moment progress. Today I start with just a small chunk of this personality system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how others make judgments of my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a perfect body image so that I will have an easier time being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked without making an earnest effort or investment in my personal relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be desired, and within this be able to get closer to beautiful girls without having to initiate a conversation and risk being rejected.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within the starting point of wanting to look more fit and have a 6-pack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place personal value in how I look, where through doing so, I define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach value to a mental construction of beauty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a socially constructed concept of what is beautiful or ugly, not realizing that I'm reducing my perception of others to an extremely superficial relationship. This is not how I want to be treated, thus I must stop treating others this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my appearance to the value of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as one and equal with this physical reality has nothing to do with my appearance as rated by a societal standard.

*I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider the dynamic of fear of rejection within my motivation to become better looking, that I have hidden my fear of rejection behind a wall of positive feedback about how I look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others' compliments, where in I become more confident when someone would say I am handsome.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to look more closely at this dynamic of processing compliments on my physical appearance. I know that I have always felt a little awkward when I get a compliment, and it looks like I have been trying to conceal how this affected my self-concept because I didn't want to admit that I do define myself by and through my physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant about my participation in the beauty/ugly polarity mind construct, and so have feared/desired looking a certain way and have judged others for how they look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my perception and reality of other people down to a snap judgment of sex appeal, completely missing the opportunity to form an authentic connection with another (piece of myself).


When and as I see myself judging another based on their appearance, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are many physical indicators that inform me about another, but limiting my interaction with others because of imperfect physical symmetry is unacceptable. I commit myself to unconditionally open myself up to others, and investigate when a reactive judgment takes place within me. When this happens, I commit myself to write self-forgiveness and release any attachments to the pre-judgment construct in my mind. Ex. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my pre-judgments are valid and correct without being 100% sure, and I commit myself to make a physical effort of communication to assess an individual.

When and as I see myself sizing up myself or another on the scale of beauty/ugly, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind game, and it's a severe limitation on reality through a narrow perception. I commit myself to align my starting point in social interaction within a stabilizing breath, and to no longer allow my judgment of physical appearance affect who I am while interacting with anyone.

When and as I see myself overwhelmed withing this mind construct of beauty/ugly judgment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is just a mental usurpation of my awareness based on past perspectives, desires, fears, etc. I commit myself to stabilizing myself when and as I see that I am affected by my secret mind's judgment about another's appearance.

As more comes up in relation to this mental phenomena, I commit myself to write and walk the process of understanding myself as this mental phenomena first, so that I can take responsibility for creating with and through it, then forgive it and let it go. Who I am is not a mental judgment. I no longer support this system within consciousness. I will support myself in stopping my participation within it first, and then when I am stable within this one point, I commit myself to support others to see this point for themselves when the opportunity arises.

Thank you.

Day 352 - Back on Track

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Ahhh 'tis but a mere decision!

The process of application is that decision. Meaning that it's not a win-lose relationship when trying to change oneself. If I have a goal or a task in any given moment, then it's not to stand in a relationship of separation to the completion of that movement. It is a movement, period. Failure just indicates that that I'm in a process of learning how to not fail. If I have a self-judgment relationship to failure, then it's rather natural to get down on myself and compound the consequence of that failure OR simply suppress that failure so I don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance.

So, let's say I want to start writing my blog again on a daily basis. If I can and do not, then I have a particular relationship toward it that is not supportive of what is best for all. To be able to do what is best for all, it is a simple matter of choice. And when that is "difficult" then I must investigate my relationship to the task (i.e. blogging, nail biting, etc.) and/or the alternative activities that I choose to participate in during a moment of weakness / not feeling like doing the original/intended task.

If I am to restructure my habits, I need to slow down and really consider what works and what doesn't. To just go with the flow of doing what I feel like doing, I am not standing as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a relationship of being okay with not directing myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I look back on the memory of my day and see that I did not do what I really wanted to do, but instead just chose to keep myself busy and avoid my daily goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be a loser in an ultimate sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate moments of failing to stay on task and then define myself by those moments. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a winner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the polarity of success and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am directly responsible and obligated to making decisions that are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this process of self-perfection is a decision alone, not realizing that a decision is substantiated with action and follow through.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistent application of myself within a decision is how to create self-directed habits and to stop the reactive habits that have accumulated through memories and relationships to past events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a perfect man, and thus sabotage myself by suppressing everything contradictory to that idealize self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than able to change myself, not realizing that is actually really only me who must stand and take the responsibility to change myself.

See, I once had a thought (many times, actually) that with just the decision to walk process was all I had to do. Just like getting on a roller coaster, once I put on the seat belt, my efforts were finished. I now realize that this process of writing myself to freedom is more than just a single decision. Yes, the decision is crucial, but the self-movement in alignment with that decision is just as important.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe the process of realizing myself in the context of oneness and equality, as all life, would be easy, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself when I realize it's not.

When and as I see myself recklessly pursing activities unrelated to my responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, am responsible to stop and make the decision to get back on track. Within this I realize that this decision is only as valuable as the actions which substantiate it, and so I commit myself to just doing what needs to be done in the moments that I have available.

When and as I see myself abusing my available time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I chose to be here. I commit myself to not get frustrated with myself in self-judgment, but to rather focus on the solution as self-change.

When and as I see myself as a failure, I stop I breathe. I realize my obligation to investigate my acceptances and allowances. I commit myself to investigate the patterns that lead to self-abuse. I commit myself to doing what is necessary to grow as an individual that effectively contributes to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stay on track, and when I'm off track, to immediately get back on track. I commit myself to walking process steadfast, to get up after a fall, to not allow what I've allowed to perpetuate self-abuse.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my habits.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to revolutionizing this reality.

Day 338 - What am I waiting for?

Why would one not walk process, especially when one understands the value? How is it that I can remain in my patterns of irresponsibility? What am I missing.

"Investigate: What are you waiting for?" said Bernard.

I took that and ran with it. It's a great question to ask oneself. And so I explored my innards with this question a bit and a few things came up from different contexts. What I found tonight is:

- not feeling comfortable within my effectiveness when applying self-forgiveness.
- embarrassment, which is ego related and multidimensional.
- fear, which I know is a nonsense creation of mind, except for physical, real danger.


In blogs to come, I will expand myself more with this question because it's such a nice way to expose the living patterns of limitation that I've accepted as my beingness. Once the investigation is to a satisfactory level of clarity, I'm ready to forgive myself in a specific and comprehensive manner. I may not get it perfect on the first try, hence the process, but I'm realizing something rather important: If I don't move myself, myself doesn't move.

So that leaves 100% of the change responsibility in my hands. Meaning, I must first go from realization, to understanding the change process, to actually implementing the steps of change. Now, the mind, I've noticed, becomes transfixed on the imagined end point. It's like being blinded by completion without physical movement, which is where real change must happen. So, the first step is to get properly oriented to the physical process of change, realizing it's going to take time. A commitment is required to change self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a commitment because I have placed myself into a risky situation where I could fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself, and thus create a failure anxiety before I've even tried to change or live myself into a new direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just go for it, try, potentially fail, learn, and get up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commitment because I would take failure personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take anything personally, not realizing that I've been living in the limitation of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined by one failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind into the future and limit my actions based on how I see myself minimizing the risk of embarrassing situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of how I use embarrassment to limit my self-expression.

When and as I see myself thinking about how I might fail at something in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that the future has not happened yet, and that a projection is merely a possibility. I commit myself to start leading my life by principle, to start testing my projections, and shatter my self imposed limitations on how to express myself as living being.

When and as I see myself fearing failure or embarrassment from an ego platform, I stop I breathe. I remember to look at the situation practically and by principle: Is my participation what will be best here? I commit myself to stopping my thought and taking in all the relevant information of my environment with one inhale, make a principle based decision of my participation, and moving / speaking accordingly.

When a resistance is so strong that I move according to it, my pre-programming from the days of ego-oriented self-interest, the days of protecting my self-image, of fearing for it and wanting to nurture it, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the old me, the mind-directed me. I commit myself to clearing this mental paranoia, for a moment and acting within the principle of what is best for all.

When this happens, I commit myself to write about the experience and investigate the resistance, discover the underlying pattern, the consequences that I've created through accepting and allowing this outdated program to direct me.

Once the writing investigation is complete, I commit myself to walk the process of self change.

Thank you.

Day 335 - I'm so dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot do something because I have never done it before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can do anything without having walked a process of practical application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back from exploring my potential because I am afraid to find out the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality of myself and thus a loss of the projected ideal self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not able to manifest the ideal self as a leader AND through trying I risk the realizing this fear through seeing my inability to lead myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the space and time to develop my potential.

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When and as I see that I have become defeated by failure to act, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible to push through this fear and act, understanding that I will not be perfect, that there is a process of actual living application one must walk before such a level of self-trust / confidence is real. I commit myself to stepping up to the plate and taking the risk of non-perfection or failure to assert myself within the process of self-perfection. To take the first step is crucial. This reality is a lived reality or else it's not, meaning to live in the mind dimension in separation of reality. This is not where I want to be living. I want to be here, moment to moment participation: Living.

When and as I see myself standing by to assess and observe a situation of which I can participate in but have suppressed my expression and gone into backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am capable of more than I realize, and the only way to find out is through pushing through this resistance, mess up and fail a few times, adjust and adapt, and continue walking the next point until I stand clear. I commit myself to pushing the practice of flawed application. This is process. This is this blog. To begin living this point in real time communication will be uncomfortable at first. Push. Mess up. Do not take this personally. Self is not who self thinks self to be. Don't fall into this trap over and over and over again. Learn. Humble. Move. Practical.

Day 333 - Success: Imagination vs. Reality

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For as long as I can remember, I've had these strong felt imaginations of myself being successful in my future. I didn't regard others from a perspective of equality. Instead I saw how great my thoughts about myself could be, and in relation to others in my environment, I would see their flaws and how I could be better. So I was very much involved in a judgmental, observational process. Standing on the outskirts of participation, I would project myself being able to be better than all the participants. Come to realize, it's rather silly.

The participants, and I'm thinking about the popular kids in school, the most active kids in the classroom, the people that actually have a job and are growing and practically expanding themselves within it. These people have lived a path that was not as a bystander, thinking about how they could be where they are, no. They put in the time, they've invested themselves in relationships, and they've identified and taken the the appropriate, physical steps to be where they are today.

Now, here I am, walking through my whole life with an amplified sense of greatness, believing that I can do pretty much anything. Based on whatever successes I've had in the past, I've grown a confidence that I can do a good job at whatever I do. This is the point I was looking for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be successful with anything I do without considering or walking the practical time investment it would take to achieve a desired level of success.

I've believed myself to be my imagination version of myself. I didn't need to yet be this version of myself in reality because I was apparently waiting for the right opportunity to shine. This is the downfall. The illusion that I am waiting for some external circumstance to show me exactly how I will thrive and become successful. This is being trapped in the head. Furthermore, when I am utilizing my imagination to create my successful self, I'm not considering all the tiny little details. Maybe I hit just enough of the big points to believe that sometime in the future it is possible for me to become this version of successful.

I realize now that it is a serious problem to think that I know how to be successful. It's not a bad starting point. If I were to write out my imagined path to success, I would be able to use it as a checklist and I'm sure it would need lots of revisions as I ACTUALLY start applying myself in physicality, a.k.a. walking the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of myself as confident, based on what I think I could do, and yet in reality, I am doing nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of practically aligning my writing and actions to produce a desired outcome of success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write about how I will achieve a goal / success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is easy to reach Point B while I am sitting inert at Point A.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination only when I am considering what I can do and become in terms of financial and relationship success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the opportunities for success that I have imagined, but to have instead only relied on my imagination when making a self-directive decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with emotions and feelings that come with my imaginations and base my decisions based on these reactions without a comprehensive investigation of the facts. Within this statement, I realize that there are many times when I do not have all the facts to be able to make the best critical decision. Because of this, I've developed a relationship with my intuition, that is really just a feeling/emotion reaction, and I've learned to trust it. It is much easier and faster to go with this pretty form of information, but can I really trust it? That's the question that will free me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my 'intuition' alone without investigating the actuality of the process of successful ventures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I've been indecisive, anxious, inert, all because I trusted the self-image movement within my imagination, waiting for the day that it would come automatically into my reality.

When and as I see myself imagining how great I will be someday, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only create this successful version of myself with real, practical steps of education and various tiny logistics that my mind skips over. I commit myself to stop getting wrapped up in the idea of what my future self could be, and start writing about how I will get there.

When and as I see myself becoming discouraged when my imagination and reality do not line up, I stop I breathe. I realize this reaction to be a form of self-sabotage that needs to be more closely looked at when the points comes up. I commit myself to breathe through my mental experiences of self-sabotage, and to follow through with writing and SF.

I commit myself to walk my imaginations in writing to assess what is really possible and make self-directive decision.

When and as I see myself sitting stagnate in relation to my success, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've likely been fulfilling my drive for success through the imagination alone. I commit myself to place these imaginations onto paper and looking at the whole idea more realistically.

I commit myself to start living within the physical reality.

I commit myself to get my head out of the clouds. I know it feels nice and glorious up there Dan, but that's not the space where things get done. Here is where I must be to accomplish success. Step by step. First thing first.

To bring yourself to the here-space, and create value that is real, is crucial to success. Hoping and waiting to get lucky is a success path idea that I now abandon. Gambling sucks, especially with your life.

Thanks.

Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Ok, I'm at the breaking point.

How will I proceed?

I can write about self-change only so much more. If I do not start living the changes I want to see, then I need to reassess who I am in this process. Why do I continue to write with energy and not live my words as one and equal expression of myself?

Yesterday I wrote about this idealized inner self. That's what I am unleashing when I write. So there is this deattachment from reality as I write in separation of my actual, lived participation. This is a critical error that needs to be looked at from every angle because if I only see it through one dimension...I am a failure. And all I'm good at is failing. Not a healthy perspective.

The reality is that I'm walking a multidimensional process. To sort out all that is at play in my mind takes patience, I realize that. I also realize that my writing is only serving to clarify what's going on within me, FOR ME to take into consideration and apply what I discover in the moment that matters most. The moment of change. The moment of caving, and letting the desire/fear take over my directive capacity.

So I'm in this physical dimension, and walking many dimensions of my personalities through writing, so eventually I'll reach that point of having accumulated enough perspective to become more aware of my directive processes. This point, like a tipping point, is where I have seen enough of myself to no longer be able to stand within my energetic programmed existence of push and pull. And when I've had enough, I change. Can't bear the shame.

I stop, I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize the consequences of inaction, of being aloof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only attempt self-change through reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe when I want to align with what is best for me and all life equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an inner self-concept that looks/feels better than the realistic version of myself, creating a false sense of security as who I am..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change through realization alone, therefore all I believed I was responsible for was this fun, structured blogging and then self-change would just naturally unfold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to breathe and become the self-director of who I am in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself to be self-directive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sound my self-forgiveness out loud to live and breathe the words to life. In this, I have been only walking my realizations of desired self-change in writing. Very similar to paying attention in class and yet not ever doing homework (another school personality of mine).

When and as I see myself faltering in the moment of self-change, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may or may not have the context to make sense out of what is moving me. I commit myself to study and examine the energies that move me without my permission. I commit myself to start standing up within myself as life within equality and oneness to direct myself in a common sense way. Self-sabotage is going out of style.


Tomorrow I'm going to dig deeper into my relationship to speaking self-forgiveness aloud and figuring out the differences of only writing vs sounding it as well.

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Day 240 - Timing and Responsibility in my Hands

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into place with energy in such a way that I only know how to move within energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely when I do not have a positive energy guiding me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I know how to be successful only within and through energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for myself from a starting point of what is here physically.

At the moment I am experiencing a bit of tiredness, ran around a lot today, and with this tiredness, I am frantically searching for viable distractions, my mind races with ideas to not have to face what is here, which is the physical keystrokes and this computer screen. As I sit and choose not to participate in the distractions, I realize that I have to use like an inverse energy experience of imagining the dissatisfaction I would have with myself for indulging in the non-productive time sinks. For example, I could go down the stairs and eat some chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and watch a little of whatever my mother is watching on the television. I would typically just go for it through justifying it with backchat, "it won't that that long."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that each moment and activity related to delay add together and accumulate. I do not want to be accumulating the consequence of a immediate desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility into the hands of my future self, believing that I will be be able to just do everything later. This is not leadership. This is sneaky form of complacency. "Oh, I'm so able, I can just do it later." There is this underlying belief that I do not need to work as hard right now because I can catch up to the average work ethic. It's a perpetuation of my past ability to work under pressure and get things done at the last minute. This method seemed to free up a lot of time for the cost of being in slave-mode for only a brief sprint at the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude my potential production by subscribing to the belief that I only need to just get by and fit in with the majority. At the same time, I had held the belief that I was a top tier human being, I was just to afraid to fail, so I had never put myself out there within leadership roles. I had inverted. I focused on becoming an effective leader of myself. It seemed like a smart choice, but what happened was no real accountability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less than me purely so I could feel like my imagined greatness of self was legitimate, not realizing that others were actually showing me myself. All this time I have been building this self-concept, and only occasionally acting to achieve my goals. There was always more time..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay the responsibility I have toward myself in developing my talents and abilities through applying myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on external motivation to produce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent of self-compromise at play through participating within my ego and believing I am who I think I am.

It's a curious thing, this allowance of my internal make-believe world as a reference point and a starting point. As I progress in diffusing the charges of limited perspective inherent in these personality programs, I start to wonder how I ever could have been so foolish, but that's just another program of self-criticism. The reality is, the chain of events that lead me to where I was and am today. All things considered, there is no secret. Only responsibility to direct oneself to support what is best, best for all.

I will continue to decipher my resistance in being a responsible citizen of this earth so that I may become increasingly effective within stabilized self-motivation and share with you how I did it. Thanks.

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The direction of the world is related to how much responsibility

the individual is willing to take.

Day 239 - Becoming Responsible

I am getting a sense for what it means to grow up. This is a rite of passage that all kids go through when entering adulthood. Moving back home after college has prolonged this process a bit, but the cool part is that I've been writing and blogging about my daily experience for quite some time. I started my first process journal June 2010 and started this blog about 2 years later. Now, I'm beginning to feel like a year's worth of blogs is just around the corner.

This time creep, if you will, is an interesting experience. One day I'm young, the next I'm old. You hear this from older people all the time, and it's as if there is a disconnect between reality and perception of self. There is an imagined version of self that is idealized and able.

My college lifestyle

What I am realizing over broad period of time is that I too am growing up, and with that comes a multitude of responsibility. This type of responsibility is typically learned by necessity, but there are ways to delay becoming responsible, especially when one is able to do so. In my case, I have been able to delay the onset of responsibility. Perhaps a slower transition is will lead to a better outcome... Whoa, no, hold on. This is smelling like a justification. It sure is easier to transition more slowly, and it's a heck of a lot easier to postpone responsibility when the world is not pressing on me.

College was a place far from home that I was able to get a sense of what it's like to be on my own feet. While this is true in some regards, I was not funding my own education/rent/food. I had severally underestimated what it takes to make ends meet. I was simply following the groove of my destiny, boarding to class and living like a really chill cat. I took care of my pressed responsibilities (i.e. passing grades and cleaning dishes), and the rest of the time that was afforded to me, I just had fun. That was the plan: Get a degree and enjoy my social experience. I also enjoyed my own time in being creative or going to the beach (Ya, school on the ocean)!

My point here is there are several perspectives of responsibility, and I haven't considered them all. This is changing. I easily accepted that I was responsible by the definition of getting passing grades, not even good grades. I was weaker yet in terms of eating a healthy, physically supportive diet. I got my exercise through having fun, so I didn't even consider being responsible in that area (an issue in itself: that of ignorant irresponsibility). And that leads me into the big one...being responsible for this world as a participant.

I had this imagined version of myself, where I was great and leader-like, and I was going to study communication and talk to the world. Through this idealized version of myself that was just going to happen sometime in the future, I had lost touch with reality. I almost felt like that was who I was already, and no hard work would be required to become who I already am (fascinating).

In a way, I had reduced the definition of responsibility to "making the right choices." I wasn't very aware of this definition. I had always just made a decision and followed through, and doing hard work can simply be that. What I was doing though, was only choosing to expose myself to easy paths. Some verb-age from my fathers mouth "...path of least resistance," was said in a positive way, and so I adapted this into my program.

So here's the interesting end thought:

Above, I made the statement "I was simply following the groove of my destiny," and I meant it as kind of a natural unfolding of life. What I had long believed my destiny to be was to be someone really significant and change the world to be a better place. I have a vivid memory from 7th grade history of wanting to be written about in the history books. The problem was that I didn't think I had to work very hard to get to such a position, and later on, as I became exposed to 2012 readings and new age spiritualism, I saw a nice fit in being able to become the "great, enlightened world saver" I was destined to be with no real effort. All I had to do was meditate with mantras and cast violet light across the neighborhood (yes, I did that).

Now, I find myself in the shoes of a Destonian, as a member of Desteni. I am no longer within my simple destiny groove. The transition from destiny to desteni was similar to the derailing of a train. Had I spent several thousand more dollars on reaching higher consciousness, my train may have been moving too fast, too confidently to consider that I was wrong in any way. Fortunately, I had an open enough mind to conduct a thorough investigation.

And what did I find?

An overlap. I was on board with oneness, but I couldn't wrap my head around equality. I had wanted to make the world a better place by becoming better (than others) myself. That fit nicely with the "best for all" principle. One of the most mind boggling perspectives of oneness and equality that Desteni presents is becoming responsible for the entire world. I perceived that was what I wanted, not what I already was. That was the real source of the initial shock. Actually hearing the message of becoming responsible.

I am leaning what is means to be responsible in a practical, create myself through effort kind of way. This is not exclusive to Desteni, but the Destonians aren't kidding around. Desteni I Process is a fast track to removing the mental limitation and excuses for not being responsible for self and this world as a whole. All things considered, greed and self-improvement just don't make the cut. Aligning the expression of self as life, to support what is best for all life, through a process of self-perfection...is becoming responsible.

Investigate for yourself where you stand in this world.

Day 194 - Priority for Process

Self First. I repeat:

SELF FIRST.

I look around and what do I see? I see people going through the daily motions of considering their self first. Before I was walking process, that's all I cared about: How to get ahead, how make money, how to be happy and sociable. So, it is primarily a daily goal of managing or creating emotional experiences of satisfaction. Am I on the right track to fulfill my desires and be happy? With this aim, the fears of failure step in: Can I find my soul mate? How will I make money and still have time for my happiness?

Alright, so this is a broad depiction fear and desires that are largely my own, though we all may share them. What is the difference between me and non-destonians? I am still pursing my interests, thought with a vague interweave of the principle of what's best for all. I say "vague" because I am not yet standing absolutely within what is best for all in every breath. I still eat candy, bite my nails and desire the company of others. These are the three primary points for me at the moment. These points get in the way of my focused self-direction. There is an energy. Residual habits.

One reason for delaying my process of sorting out these nuances of my own allowed behavior is the point of others. I want to help others see, realize, and understand what Desteni stands for. It's like an impulsiveness to just advocate (like in Day 7). I have a tendency to want to blame this design on my parents, which is yet another externalization, or abdication of responsibility. I am responsible for myself first. And this is the point. I started a thread on the forums about this point back when I started, and this particular post about sums it up. Since then I've been resisting the urge to share my process in relation to being Destonian. Now, I'm finally starting to see how Self comes first, and I can assist and support others with myself and after I have helped myself, not first. Others are doing their own lives, and just because I have chosen to take responsibility for the entire world system...well, it doesn't make any difference unless I am in action. I have made a choice, and now I must follow through in word, action and deed to not be hypocritical and ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of manifesting world peace must start within Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that "if I can only just convince others of the solution, I won't have to put in the work" or actually become the solution myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself in relation to everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in separation of myself, where I am conceptualized in my mind as "great/powerful" or the flip "nothing/insecure."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself here in and as every breath, not as a conception of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring my process of self back to self, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the conception of myself, and so move into all sorts of thought & feelings reactions that contribute to the process of my self-definition.

Ok, key moment here: Process for self-concept or for Self-here. This is the answer to my question earlier: Why am I different than others in my life? It's because I am working a process toward identifying with self-here, and stopping my allowance of excuses and justifications for spending effort to work for the self-concept, which is largely defined by how others see us and how we feel internally.

Wooooooo! What a pivotal concept. Process for Self. Self-Here. It's going to take time to move the self-definition from an unstable mental conception into my physical. It's kind of a foreign notion. Before the Destonian Support Group, we all just "thought, and so we are." Welcome "breathing therefore we live." To discern where I am supporting what's best for my mental image (which comes with pre-loaded feelings; within the causal argument against free will, where past dictates the future, fulfillment of our destiny) vs. supporting what best for the physical Self and All (working for a new desteni, where all life will truly be supported; peace on earth).

Artwork by Anna

How this all ties in: working shit out for self first. I need to focus on my own process through the realization and understanding that I am one and equal with all parts of the universe. I am a fractal of the physical existence. WoooHooo! I'm stoked to be alive. Time to get serious and make this about me in the physical realm, so that I can most effectively support all life in the physical, instead of feeding the energies of the self-conception and egos of this world.

When and as I see myself judging others for not giving the same amount of attention and care to this physical reality as I, I stop I breathe. Realizing that each has their own process to walk, I commit myself to focusing my own process.

When and as I feel the urge to dispense knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that my internal self-concept is the driving force behind this, as I want, need and desire others to have a mutual understanding. I also realize that I do not fully understand all the points of becoming a physical breathing body that supports what best for life at all times. I commit myself to stopping this hypocritical tendency through flag pointing and writing about each occurrence, not getting upset with myself for failing, and to persist in this purification process of self.

When and as I see myself playing a part in Process for an externalized point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must bring myself back to myself here in my breathing and do work for me. I commit myself walking process for self and others with the consideration of myself, within my process, first.

When and as I see myself working towards ego-fulfillment, I stop I breathe. I realize that standing within my physical is a mere breath and self-direction. I commit myself to taking that essential breath, and when the energy clears, to write about whatever experience I had in relation to attachment to myself as a mental conception.

Breathing. Until next time.

Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others before me within my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am compromising myself when I place others before me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a higher importance on specific other people where, in my self-interest, I cater to them so that I may preserve or create a positive self-image in the reflection of my self through their positive judgement.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to complete my work before I assist others with their work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undervalue myself through placing others before me, where I often do not consider my own work's importance when I jump to help others.

This pattern has played out for a long time. Throughout school, my concern for my self-image created by the perceptions of my peers has been placed as a priority regardless of whatever work I had myself. Often, I would handle this time dilemma by staying up late and sleeping less.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to disregard my responsibility to myself to care for my physical health as well as completing work effectively.

When and as I see myself jumping at the chance to help others with their problems, I stop I breathe. I realize that I always have work to do, and by placing priority within my social interactions, I have been disregarding my responsibility to myself. I commit myself to budgeting my time within self-honesty as not to compromise myself for the positive judgement of others onto me.

I commit myself to showing others that I am responsible within this world as a whole through prioritizing self-responsibilities, and not compromising myself for creating a positive reflection of myself in the eyes of others for the purpose of feeling good that others like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not like me, and so jump on any opportunity I have to mold a positive self-perception by helping others.

I commit myself to helping others when it is appropriate and I have first helped myself.

Day 62 - Praise and Humiliation

This is a continuation from yesterday. I just took an extended moment to think about how I've dealt with praise throughout my life. Sometimes it sinks right in, other times, not so much. To me it makes sense that praise is the polar opposite of humility. My ego likes likes praise and dislikes humiliation. But there is something more going on here. I dodge and deny praise. Here, a few points come up:

1. The thought of others praising me in the future. It's motivating. Also, when I reflect back on praise, it is quite comfortable, satisfying. It's a reassurance of self-worth, where the building blocks are other people...it's pretty messed up. So, my point here is that praise from others in my own mind in a past or future context, is what feels good.
2. Maybe this praise rejection is an attempt to balance out my ego relative to those around me. My ego wants to be the biggest in the room, but overkill isn't the goal either. So, when praise is sought and rewarded, it sinks into ego. When praise creates a large power imbalance, it's uncomfortable and awkward, probably because I still want to have friends/allies.
3. When thinking about my childhood, and growing up next to my younger brother, I realize that my ego was at war with his. He started getting praise, I started getting jealous. My ego could not handle being 2nd best, so I took preemptive countermeasures to put him down and be superior in front of the audience in my head. Ego is strange.

To speak more on humiliation: It's an awkward feeling that arises when I realize I'm wrong. It's also when others tell me that I am not on top...this is f r i g h t e n i n g. A few more points are coming up that speak to this:

1. The thought of being humiliated by others in the past has shaped sizable fears that pushed my personality toward the opposite. It charges my mind to think of how to avoid future humiliation. So, again, it is in the domain of my mind (future and past) when the praise-humiliation polarity has it's power over me. 
2. In the moment of self-realized humility, it is actually a positive feeling of growth. So my ego likes when it is able to turn itself down, but when others do it...Being humiliated by others is a terrible feeling of nonacceptance. What's interesting here, is that awkward feeling of others praising me, is equal to the awkwardness of others humiliating me...and for the same reason: I want friends around me to be validated by.
3. Humiliating others, to bring myself up is so dumb. Why did I do that so extensively? Ego wants to win. Perceiving the world through the ego, as most of us do, requires comparison, and a personal investment in one's self image in front of the audience in my head.

My ego needs to be close to other egos to survive. I can only create an image of myself in relation to others. To tirelessly pursue a higher and higher ego status in my own self-judgement...it's much more clear now that this is not what I want to be doing. The only reason I did it to begin with is FEAR. I worked myself up to believe that I'm inFEARior to others and so am less powerful, and so less free. Wow, there's a lot going on there.

Before I get heavily into my ego, I will continue tomorrow with Self-forgiveness and corrective action statements related to praise and humiliation.

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