Day 348 - Ctrl+Shift+SF Cheat Code

I originally sat down to write this post about how I've been doing the typing of self-forgiveness and kind of cheating within it, but then I realized that this point is not just about that. There is a depth of reason for why I have not yet shared this point and it comes down to: guilt.

Slowing it down, instead of saying "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..." (typed as such keystroke by keystroke), I had been using a program to do this for me so all I had to do was hit a key combo.

So ctrl+shift+a = I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

&  ctrl+shift+q = I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

And then I just alternated as I felt like it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to .....

and I never allowed myself to really admit to myself what I was doing by using this shortcut. And I certainly didn't ask anyone else because then I would risk exposing what I didn't even want to admit to myself. That my little time saving SF shortcut was actually preventing me from moving through the self-forgiveness as an authentic self expression. And just as in process, moving slower is moving faster, and moving too fast is obviously slower in the long run.

So when I finally did muster the courage to ask my DIP buddy about this point, she laughed. Then I laughed too. She just confirmed what I already knew on a level within me where self-honesty was not yet functioning. This happened just over a month ago, and it's been actually a nice change. It might take me just a tad longer, but the quality of the SF statement has changed from a simple surface point (the kinds of points addressed when moving too fast through life), so a bit more specific and thorough (the ideal way to live, with common sense and self-honesty).

I needed to formalize this point above and had been meaning too since I had that chat with my buddy about it, but there were other points that I wanted to write about. I actually started getting backed up on so many points that I wanted to write about that I started a list of blogs to do, but after writing yesterday, I've decided to write about what's here, what comes up in a moment. And this automated SF shortcut was one of the first things that I had long ago placed on the list of blog topics to do, and I'm in "getting things on the list done" kind of mood these days. So now,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to cover up and hide the fact that I was doing self-forgiveness on an automated level because I wanted a fast and easier way to do this tedious process. I see, realize and understand now that this entire process (not just self-forgiveness) has no fast and easier way. It's a simple equation of 1 + 1 + 1 ..., as a physical process of accumulation. A short cut is a mind thing...and oh my goodness how I could (and later will) expand on this....McDonalds...saving money...porn....you name it. So, I commit myself to continually remind myself to slow down and look at just one point at a time, and see all the movements and relationships that bring about a particular behavioral design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use the shortcut key combination program to quickly rush through the repetitive part of a self-forgiveness statement. In this I realize that I am not moving with the words as I type them, and the effectiveness of the words that I've automated is lost in a moment that never existed. I commit myself to type out each letter of my self-forgiveness statements, unless I have a clear, directive decision to read the statements out loud in the circumstance of structuring a sounding session.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to move fast and do multiple points in one blog, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not address all the points that come up within a single point at the same time, that I will lose the opportunity to do so. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the moment overnight while I am sleeping. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming overwhelmed with many/other points and thus become ineffective.

I forgive myself for becoming overwhelmed, and then accepting and allowing it.

When and as I see myself wanting to address multiple point in one blog, I stop I breathe. I realize that by slowing down and being thorough with just one point could take a lot more time than initially anticipated. I commit myself to being thorough with one point, and as other points come up, to jot down a note somewhere and come back to it in the next blog or whenever. I am the directive principle of self here.

I commit myself to write about the guilt realization within this, tomorrow.

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Day 330 - Always A Fight

It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.

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Day 217 - How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

I vividly remember when I voiced my first philosophical question when I asked my mother,

"Why do I see out of my eyes?"

Alas, she knew not.

From that point on, I believe I had grounded my motivation to find answers within this reality. A burning curiosity set in. I needed to understand, and this developed into a desire to be understood. And so was born the Truth-seeking personality characteristic that became central to my existence. My curiosity of existence was largely, in part to my parents unobtrusive religious orientation. Perhaps, for that I am most thankful. When I got involved with the after school church groups, I could connect to socializing and playing the drums much more easily than I could with God. For whatever reason, I received no internal feedback from prayer. Maybe it was a case of underdeveloped faith, I don't know. All I knew, was that I could go home and get more tangible answers from my computer.

The internet search engine had been expanding my awareness since my pre-teens, and I to be quite good with keywords. Nearly all of my inquiries yielded a satisfactory answer, and I was solving problems left and right. So began a gradual process of investigating the unknowns. Hypnotism forums lead me lucid dreaming, which would be followed by a mutual interest in quantum physics with one of my high school buddies. What the Bleep do we know? lead me to The Secret and Law of Attraction. LOA was the beginning of my energy/spiritual obsession, buying up books like that was all that mattered. At this point I was firmly on a path of truth-seeking, addicted to finding information about metaphysical mysteries.

My spiritual ascension process become more expensive as I got more serious with it. I vividly remember the moment when I chose to pull the trigger on a $300 investment on this white powered gold product for "DNA activation" that would help me ascend more quickly. I had justified this cost in the name finding Truth, spiritual greediness, and a desire to be greater so I could ultimately better help others. Another $100 on some sacred geometry posters that were to be placed under the mattress and increase my vibration and learn my karmic lessons faster while I sleep. This was the capstone of my monetarily induced spiritual path.

December 2009, I find some rather intriguing YouTube videos of the portal. By that point, I had believed myself to have truth-seeking vision enabled, and when various beings spoke through this girl's body, I picked up on the sincerity in the voice and facial expressions. I became kind of obsessed in that same knowledge seeking way and spent the next two months just absorbing these videos. When I cross referenced my perception of sincerity from the videos with the key message of oneness and equality, I knew that this wasn't some new-age cult seeking to abuse my attention and take my money. Desteni put into perspective that I was already in the new age cult of spirituality, spending time, energy and money on becoming MORE.

Stopping my preprogrammed destined life of spiritual ascension was tough to let go of, but it was increasingly apparent that separating myself from others through raising my energy levels was not the solution to this world's problems. If any of the past truths lead to a actual solution that brought about world peace, then how could we still be in such a state of strife across the planet? I had realized, my personality had essentially been done before, and that was rather unsettling.

So the moment came when I asked myself: Do I just go onward with my promising life (my successful track record and ability to suppress fear and obtain desire), or do I really consider the implications of Oneness and Equality?

My favorite spiritual book at the time was called Oneness, but that book spoke nothing of practical equality. It fit right in with my ego design of wanting to become more, to become powerful, enlightened, special. It felt good to read it. While this Desteni stuff, not so pretty. More serious, and intriguing with the portal and all. At that point, I was not ready to take responsibility for all, as one and equal. But I also couldn't just turn a blind eye to this unfavorable message or else I would have to also throw away my defining personality characteristic of truth-seeker. And I did consider that. I recall thinking about other, more mundane life/career paths.

I had decided. No way was I going to let truth that I don't like stop my truth discovery process altogether. That would be shameful. And I just couldn't bear the thought consciously moving forward with intentional ignorance toward a point of truth that I had glimpsed and not liked. Cowering in fear wasn't my style. Fighting from fear wasn't either. I was all about understanding, and I didn't understand oneness and equality. So I patiently continued my investigation of the Desteni material.

For additional perspective

Eventually, I learned that I only I can walk my individual process of self-investigation, and that Desteni is only a point of assistance and support. And without discovering Desteni, I would never have started this proactive and comprehensive self-honest investigation of self through writing. I saved a lot of time and money because Desteni interfered with my destiny, and in turn, I strive to save us all time and money by writing my Journey To Life publicly. Investigate. Read. Enjoy.


See you tomorrow for the dismantling of my truth-seeking personality design.

Day 194 - Priority for Process

Self First. I repeat:

SELF FIRST.

I look around and what do I see? I see people going through the daily motions of considering their self first. Before I was walking process, that's all I cared about: How to get ahead, how make money, how to be happy and sociable. So, it is primarily a daily goal of managing or creating emotional experiences of satisfaction. Am I on the right track to fulfill my desires and be happy? With this aim, the fears of failure step in: Can I find my soul mate? How will I make money and still have time for my happiness?

Alright, so this is a broad depiction fear and desires that are largely my own, though we all may share them. What is the difference between me and non-destonians? I am still pursing my interests, thought with a vague interweave of the principle of what's best for all. I say "vague" because I am not yet standing absolutely within what is best for all in every breath. I still eat candy, bite my nails and desire the company of others. These are the three primary points for me at the moment. These points get in the way of my focused self-direction. There is an energy. Residual habits.

One reason for delaying my process of sorting out these nuances of my own allowed behavior is the point of others. I want to help others see, realize, and understand what Desteni stands for. It's like an impulsiveness to just advocate (like in Day 7). I have a tendency to want to blame this design on my parents, which is yet another externalization, or abdication of responsibility. I am responsible for myself first. And this is the point. I started a thread on the forums about this point back when I started, and this particular post about sums it up. Since then I've been resisting the urge to share my process in relation to being Destonian. Now, I'm finally starting to see how Self comes first, and I can assist and support others with myself and after I have helped myself, not first. Others are doing their own lives, and just because I have chosen to take responsibility for the entire world system...well, it doesn't make any difference unless I am in action. I have made a choice, and now I must follow through in word, action and deed to not be hypocritical and ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the process of manifesting world peace must start within Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that "if I can only just convince others of the solution, I won't have to put in the work" or actually become the solution myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself in relation to everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in separation of myself, where I am conceptualized in my mind as "great/powerful" or the flip "nothing/insecure."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself here in and as every breath, not as a conception of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring my process of self back to self, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with the conception of myself, and so move into all sorts of thought & feelings reactions that contribute to the process of my self-definition.

Ok, key moment here: Process for self-concept or for Self-here. This is the answer to my question earlier: Why am I different than others in my life? It's because I am working a process toward identifying with self-here, and stopping my allowance of excuses and justifications for spending effort to work for the self-concept, which is largely defined by how others see us and how we feel internally.

Wooooooo! What a pivotal concept. Process for Self. Self-Here. It's going to take time to move the self-definition from an unstable mental conception into my physical. It's kind of a foreign notion. Before the Destonian Support Group, we all just "thought, and so we are." Welcome "breathing therefore we live." To discern where I am supporting what's best for my mental image (which comes with pre-loaded feelings; within the causal argument against free will, where past dictates the future, fulfillment of our destiny) vs. supporting what best for the physical Self and All (working for a new desteni, where all life will truly be supported; peace on earth).

Artwork by Anna

How this all ties in: working shit out for self first. I need to focus on my own process through the realization and understanding that I am one and equal with all parts of the universe. I am a fractal of the physical existence. WoooHooo! I'm stoked to be alive. Time to get serious and make this about me in the physical realm, so that I can most effectively support all life in the physical, instead of feeding the energies of the self-conception and egos of this world.

When and as I see myself judging others for not giving the same amount of attention and care to this physical reality as I, I stop I breathe. Realizing that each has their own process to walk, I commit myself to focusing my own process.

When and as I feel the urge to dispense knowledge and information, I stop I breathe. I realize that my internal self-concept is the driving force behind this, as I want, need and desire others to have a mutual understanding. I also realize that I do not fully understand all the points of becoming a physical breathing body that supports what best for life at all times. I commit myself to stopping this hypocritical tendency through flag pointing and writing about each occurrence, not getting upset with myself for failing, and to persist in this purification process of self.

When and as I see myself playing a part in Process for an externalized point, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must bring myself back to myself here in my breathing and do work for me. I commit myself walking process for self and others with the consideration of myself, within my process, first.

When and as I see myself working towards ego-fulfillment, I stop I breathe. I realize that standing within my physical is a mere breath and self-direction. I commit myself to taking that essential breath, and when the energy clears, to write about whatever experience I had in relation to attachment to myself as a mental conception.

Breathing. Until next time.

Day 191 - The Power Struggle

Desire for Control --
Powerlessness and fear of loss:

Yesterday, I went through an episode of anger. I found that the anger was related to being out of control. I had no way to control the outcome of this interaction, and reacted with anger. So beneath the anger was a desire to be in control. Why the need to be in control? Fear of loss. Inferiority. Powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am  powerless, inferior and limited.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear & believe that I am inherently inferior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive so that I can be the winner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flee the scene as a sore loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for a win, not considering the other person's happiness or well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to win recklessly without regard for when I hurt others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that competition is a power game based in polarity of the mind, rendering no true win as what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carelessly pursue a self-interested power gain.

--
When and as I see myself yearning for power; I stop I breathe. I realize that I can not win this struggle within the principle of what is best for all. I commit myself to noting every time I struggle for power to find out where I have defined myself as powerless. I commit myself to walking this process of self-investigation and self-forgiveness to clear myself of senseless notions of who I am as less or more than life.

When and as I see myself in fear of being powerless, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not who I am. I realize myself as all. I commit myself to finding the best for all answer in situations where my personal power struggle is activated. I do this from the starting point of my breath.

When and as I see myself competing with another individual, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am life, one and equal as the other individual. I commit myself to stop fighting for a personal win, as the fleeting moment of satisfaction is an energetic polarity of mind and not best for all.

When and as I see that I have won a power struggle, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have missed an opportunity to stop myself in a moment, and also have missed many breaths. I commit myself to investigating why I acted in such a way where I was utterly consumed by my desire for control.

When and as I see myself pursuing an argument to be in a position of control, I stop I breathe. I realize that I want to win. I realize this is of the nature of my preprogramming. This is me as mind. I stop I breathe. I commit myself to the best for all stance, and when I miss this point, investigation time.

Until the solution as what's best for all is clear in every moment, as every breath, I commit myself to continue to walk out of my deluded and inconsiderate mind with the tools of self-forgiveness and writing.

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