Day 330 - Always A Fight

It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.

photo credit

Day 323 - Airport Paranoia

I spent the whole day flying across the country for a family reunion. There are a few moments where I experienced a light paranoia, but paranoia none the less. I'm the son of a pilot and have a fair amount of travel experience, so I'm not freaking out like some people might. The fear thoughts associated with airports and flying are different in nature but very similar in design as say, going to the dentist. Both flying and going to the dentist are things that I enjoy for their uniqueness or infrequent occurrence, but there is still subtle paranoia backchatter in the head. Examples:

• "What if there is something wrong with my ticket reservation.."
• "I hope I can find the right place to be in time for boarding.."
• "I hope the flight delay isn't so long that I miss my flight connection.."
• "I hope I don't sit next to someone annoying.."
• Imagining:
• Another plane crashing into my plane in midair at a 90 degree angle
• Wings falling off during take off
• Malfunction of the front wheel just after landing

There are probably many more that others come up with. This list is just the basics of what I experienced. And I didn't have any physically noticeable reactions. These thoughts and visual imaginations are popping up for some reason..

I'll continue tomorrow with a walk though my self-investigation and self-forgiveness process. For now, I am tired, hungry, and in a dark hotel room filled with parents and a sibling tucked away for the night. Let the family vacation commence!

Day 219 - From Shame to Self-Correction

In response to this blog: Creation's Journey To Life - Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realization
And continuing with my back story in relations to my self-investigation with the Desteni tools,

I wish to reflect on a past experience that I had written about 2 years ago. It was Christmas 2011 and my family had decided that instead of buying gifts we would take a vacation to Hawaii. It was a lot of fun for most of the time, but interesting family dynamics popped up that week of close proximity.  In retrospect, I realize that I have been highly egocentric when I'm with family. In the context of others, depending on my comfort level, I would show or hide the cockiness/self-importance. I will continue to unpack my self-importance character soon.

This is a story about deep seated shame for who I am in relation to my brother. He is two years younger than I and I have abused him my whole life by putting him down so I could feel superior. I essentially used him to propel my mental concept into a state of superiority / confidence that I would bring with me into the rest of my relationships with my peers. Lets just say I was petrified of failure and inferiority to such an extent that I didn't care about my negative effect on others. It hurts to write this out. Shame 2.

Shame 1: Which this post is supposed to be focused on. While I was on the airplane, I had a real moment of realization, like really powerful. I had fought with my brother about wanting to sit in the isle seat, (I like the freedom) but my boarding pass indicated that I had the window seat. This gave him the chance to assert his control by not permitting me to trade with him (consequence, reflecting my past behavior toward him). When we had just taken off and exciting things were to be seen out of the window, my brother had looked over to see out and I placed my hands over the window so he couldn't see.

That was my response. Another power-play, so that I could again have the last say. Preserve my control over him. I still react to this writing with quite a sadness (indicating point isn't clear yet). I sat with my mind and after the emotions of the moment subsided, I thought to myself how I've been doing this shit for way too long. A different emotion came up, one of great shame/sorrow. I spoke one forgiveness statement under my breath, and couldn't hold back the tears. Funny, that he was sitting one seat away, listening to music, while I am sobbing and writing forgiveness about how poorly I have allowed myself to treat him...as if I hadn't really, realized it before...maybe only acknowledged it lightly, then back to my self-centeredness, likely.

"I forgive myself for continuing to allow myself to play childish ego games with my brother. I now respect him as an equal."

At least this is what I have written. You may read the raw writing below, as I have decided to include it in this post. This moment stands out hardcore as a moment of self-change through deep shame. And my relationship with my brother has greatly improved since then. Not perfect, I'm still learning. But there was a real change. It was the most moving realization I had ever experienced. It was also the first time I had really worked with self-forgiveness on an intimate, hard-hitting, personal level.

I haven't gone back to look at what I wrote until today, which was kind of a cool experience in itself. Having this self-made record of stuff I thought was significant at one point in time is going to be fun to go through, and I bet I will find many opened points that can be walked more thoroughly with writing self-forgiveness. Tomorrow, I will expand on this writing from my old red process journal with a flow of self-forgiveness and just take it from there. Thanks for reading me.