Day 457 - Training for Physical Reality

In my last post, I spoken into a belief that "posting once a day would be too much, or too difficult for me." While I have my reasons and justifications for this, I also see the reality that I could be posting nearly everyday. So, with both perspectives in mind, I decided to make the leap and commit to writing every day last month. What I found by challenging myself, and failing = worth the effort!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trying something because I fear failure. When and as I see myself shying away from something within a mindset of fearing to fail, I stop, I breathe. I realize that nothing gets done when I stagnate with fear of failure, manifesting a failed opportunity of a life I could have lived. I commit myself to facing my fear of failure, embracing the lessons of failure, and carrying on with Self creation in the absence of fear (creation).

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Note: if I really had to or wanted to, I could stop my post here, and call it a day. Just one example-reason that I really have no valid excuse to not post on the daily.

Every reason for why I don't write every day, is linked to escapism. Writing and posting these 7-year-journey-to-life blogs is an effort of facing myself. Facing all the resistances and fears that come up along the way. Sometimes, I really don't want to look at myself, and so I layer the excuses to be "ok" with it. Observing myself in this pattern this for so long now, I've really gotten ample chance to see how silly it is.

Why is it so silly?

If I try to separate myself from the awareness of what is, then I enter a timeloop of specific unawareness, only to come back to awareness eventually. This retards one's growth in self-awareness, and who wants that?

I, as the mind consciousness system, do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient to the mind and believe that my dealings in energy are more significant or important that my physical reality. When and as I see myself racing for an energy fix, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is only one me, and that if I have conflicting priorities, I need to slow down, reconcile who I am and which reality I want to validate and honor. I commit myself to remember to check-in with my starting point awareness, and carefully examine the evolution of my perspective through time; so that I may reverse engineer it, understand who I am within it, and continue building an increasingly consistent and stable character.

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I commit myself to honor and respect the physical laws of the universe.

I commit myself to embrace failure as a vital means of self-growth.

I commit myself to slow down to the pace of my breath, my body and my fingers (for typing), so that I may accomplish more substantial self-creation in the physical world.

I commit myself to ultimately be the director of my mind, instead of following energetic impulses that are inconsiderate of the physical world.

I commit myself to press on and recreate myself everyday! Cheers to a life worth living!

Day 438 - Voicing Me

Speaking in an intricate act. Formulation of words to build concepts and understanding is a miraculous feat. Sharing understanding with others is one of the most precious gifts of humanity. I write this blog to share some of the information processing that goes on behind the scenes of me. I have a duty to place myself in words. This is my chief aim. It would seem absurd to continue allowing inFEARiority, in all it's forms, to suppress one of the greatest gifts I can give to all.

I commit myself to stand up within myself to share my understandings to the best of my ability in every interaction, while remaining a humble learner, equal and one with everyone.

I commit myself to contributing my vantage point whenever it can effectively support what is best for all.

Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debase myself with self-diminishing thoughts like "I'm not smart enough to speak in this group of people" or "I have nothing of worth to share" or "I don't want to be ridiculed for my choice of words," as who I am is expressed in my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my words, in fear that by expressing myself, I open myself up to attack.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what anyone says about me or my words, I am not harmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being publicly ostracized, for this means my chances of survival are compromised - or that my chances of being liked by the girl are lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss, when and as I express myself, and so have chosen to rather suppress myself, and through this create the exact loss (of opportunity, of potential) that I feared.

I commit myself to express myself despite fear, put myself out there, and risk it all.

I commit myself to embrace risk, cast off fear, as I stand and express myself within principle.

I commit myself to share myself with the world, and stop this self-diminishing mind program that I've built and participated in since early childhood. Till here, no further.

I commit myself to investigate and release myself from any related systems of self-doubt, when and as they arrive in my conscious mind.

I have one life to live, and time waits for no one. Let's get it done.

Day 429 - Fear of My Programming

As life's goes on, I too must move, for I am life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my programming is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not release my programming fast enough or in time with life's process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the mind, and fear the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to circumvent consequence, instead of prevent consequence through self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand the inevitable connection between consequential behavior and the consequences that manifest later down the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequential outflow of my thought, word and deed from earlier in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating more consequence in the present moment, and NOT see, realize and understand how through fear I separate myself from my breath and directing myself within common sense in each here moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear relationship to consequence, and through it, try to find ways out of it, instead of realizing, accepting and allowing it to manifest, and within this, embrace it, learn from it, and apply self-corrective application to prevent more of the same kind from being created.

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When and as I see myself desiring to get out of paying for the consequences of my past participation, I stop, I breathe. I realize this universal law of cause and reaction can just as easily work for me, as it can against me.  I commit myself to accepting the consequences of my actions, favorable or not. And in realizing my responsibility within this, I commit myself to stop believing that I can circumvent the consequences of my creation.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will create negative consequence, I stop, I breathe. I remember my common sense consideration of all that is here, and I direct myself to express creation of positive consequence in the context of what is best for all. I commit myself to remember to breathe when anxiety comes up in relation to fearing messing something up and creating negative consequence.

When and as I see myself fearing the inevitable consequential outflow of my past participation in thought, word and deed, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the mistakes of my past will be the source of some of my greatest life lessons. I commit myself to embrace the manifested consequence in my life and learn as much as I can in facing myself this way.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am too much in the programming of my mind to move within and as life, I stop, I breathe. I realize this fundamental separation from the life in me, is literally killing me. I commit myself to recognizing myself in my breath, completely dropping the fear, and directing myself to (a) write out the programming that was coming up in that specific moment, and/or (b) move within self-authority, as life principle, to create best for all consequences.

Day 426 - Fear of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to stay comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can remain within my comfort zone indefinitely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire the safety of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stand within the word resiliency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to source strength from others, hiding my insecurities and weaknesses by accepting and allowing superficial validation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT face myself wholly and stand independently to face whatever comes my way, in any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling down or having a setback in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand my ability to respond to any situation in life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that staying in my comfort zone is in my best interest.

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When and as I am feeling uncomfortable within impending change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I 'change is the only constant', and so I commit myself to embrace change.

When and as I see myself feeling weak and unsure of the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that, come what may, I can stand and face anything. I commit myself to walking through all of my insecurities until I truly, fully believe I can face anything...even death.

When and as I see myself being afraid of the unknown, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the fear is a simple, yet elegantly designed distraction from Self-Here. I commit myself to embrace the unknown and step into self-trust.

When and as I see that I've had an extended stay within comfort, I stop, I breathe. I realize that until comfort is manifest for all within oneness and equality, it is but a temporary experience my mind is providing for me. Within this, I commit myself to investigate the many atrocities going on in the world, and rediscover my passion/purpose within the life I want to lead as the solution for existence.

When and as I see myself resisting facing myself in a moment of potential change, I stop, I breathe. I realize that change is one of my greatest friends in process, exactly for this reason - an opportunity to confront myself and apply myself. Here, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and manifesting my insecurities. I commit myself to walk into and through moments of change, seeing them as an enjoyable challenge, rather than as something to be feared.

I commit myself to investigating further the relationship between asserting myself within change, and the insecurities that are here in these moments.

Day 411 - Anxiety and Fear Lead to Indecision

A great friend just recently shared one of his favorite self forgiveness statements from Bernard in a social group chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear - produced for yourself, by yourself - for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act.

This resonated with me because I see me manifesting this indecision in my life, rooted in fear of judgment and ridicule. I protect myself as my ego by not putting myself out there, making sure only to assert myself when I feel comfortable that I'm not going to be judged/defined by others in a negative way. So, there's a fear of loss of social standing/status. Then fear of death is connected through that fear of loosing social acceptance and social support. Wow. It's so interestingly tricky how my fear of judgment is substantiated by fear of death on a deeper layer, and I'm hardly aware of that when the fear is active, and so I miss it, and then don't face the totality of the system, and I'm again being directed by my self-sabotaging mind programs.

I commit myself to walking through the totality of the systems, within and as me, that are holding me back from actualizing my highest potential. I see, realize and understand that it's up to me to drive the corrected living application each day, each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought trains within the dimension of fear of judgment, fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted by others, fear of not being liked by others, fear of rejection, fear of humility, fear of embarrassment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection from fear of judgment to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, and thus not investigate the comprehensive nature of this system of rules that I've been employing to govern myself without having to be fully here, fully present as the real-time decider of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death through projecting the responsibility of my well being on to others. Here, I'm seeing that this was a primary pattern as a young child, when I relied on my parents to ensure my well being. This transformed into some wacky form of adulthood entitlement. Applying specific self forgiveness on patterns stemming from childhood would surely accelerate my process of maturing into an empowered and self-responsible adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of death by coming up with excuses, reasons and justifications for why others are responsible for my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety, and not prioritize the necessary self investigation, so that I may get to the bottom of a given mind system and begin rebirthing myself within the corrected, self-empowered, self-awareness of my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually generate fear energy for me to experience, and accept that as okay or normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my body through this torturous fear energy to make decisions for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions (or not make decisions) within/through and out of FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to make a clear, direct, well considered decision.

I commit myself to creating a space of clarity within myself, to make a direct decision, YES or NO, in a single moment, and stop allowing fear as anxiety to direct me into indecision.

Anxiety has been a big part of my life, so I will continue to walk this process in writing and share myself here. Please leave me a comment if you have any perspectives or questions about this post.

Day 407 - Writing Confidence

It's coming to a boiling point. This is my 4th "Day 407" draft, and I'm ready to move past this writing hangup that's now gone on too long. In this post, I will begin to open up what's been holding me back, so I can finally face it and recreate my expression here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and empower the belief that I must write to a certain standard for my readers, and within that, compare myself to others in terms of having proper, grammatically correct, and/or just plain "better" writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.

*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:

- To share my process

- To cross reference my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.

Ok.

I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.

(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)


When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.

I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)

(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)

I commit myself to living within the realization that the writing and creations that I bring into the physical reality are me, and within this realization, I commit myself to create a life that I can be proud of when I'm gone.

I commit myself to end the abusive squandering of my potential.

I commit myself to find and abolish the threads of complacency in my life.

I commit myself to producing tangible support structures for myself and all those who honor life.

I commit myself to bring my excuses into awareness and process through them with self-honesty and writing.

I see now. Writing isn't for my audience. I need me to write for me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate through my mind.

And I'm committed to living with integrity in the pursuit of my ultimate WHY, so I best share my journey with you. Thanks.

pic credit

Day 406 - Lost in time, lots of the time

There's been a building pressure. A pressure to perform. A pressure to sound coherent, and integrated with all the information in my world. A perception of falling behind ensues. A few moments later, I'm stuck. Everything is ahead of me, and I can't catch up.

Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.

What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.

Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).

What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.

Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.

I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.

I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.

I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.

I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.

When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.

I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.


Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?

I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.

Day 391 - Submissive Conflict Avoidance, Ridicule & Leadership

In the Desteni leadership development group, we started investigating 'tough minds' in society and our responsibility in relation to them. There are people out there who react to their environment and people around them, having little or no time to stop themselves. Many others, myself included, have a mind that allows us to hold back or suppress our reactions, especially the reactions that would social conflict or awkwardness, for example. So our exercise is to find a person in our life that we reacted toward with blame and judgment toward their expression, and to bring that point back to self. Here I am sharing my process with this exercise:

Archetype/Character: goes with the flow to a fault, lacking leadership of others, submissive conflict avoidance.

Me in relation to this point- especially with women, I do not like this aspect of myself where I wait for another to lead/initiate to avoid facing the fear of failure/rejection/ridicule. When I also look at my brother in relation to me, I see how I've ridiculed him in a fool hearted attempt to distance myself from being the victim of ridicule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and fight for the position that I can be separate and protected from victimhood of ridicule by ridiculing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show affection for others by ridiculing them when they express anything that I deem worthy of ridicule because I am justified in showing them this point at home/in a close relationship, to help them prevent public ridicule or ridicule from a stranger or love interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that my justifications for ‘teaching’ others where/how they can be ridiculed through reacting to their expression through ridicule, are fears that I have within me that I have accepted and allowed to shape myself as mind, and so shape my life in the external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of an opportunity that is a result of a weakness within me that can be judged/ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to strengthen others through ridicule and judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear public ridicule, and within this, fear being defined by others in a negative/weak way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘weakness’ with the word ‘negativity.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within myself by principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the reactions of others. And within this, I realize that who I am is who I am as standing principle within myself and without in my lived participation in this world and with every interaction.

I commit myself to now take the lead and go with it.

I commit myself to fail in my process toward self-perfection, within the awareness that I commit myself to always get back up and test a new way in the next moment, until I am stable in success.

I commit myself to stop ridiculing others’ weaknesses.

I commit myself to turning my ridicule back unto myself.

I commit myself to no longer fear public ridicule, as I now define myself by who I know myself to be as the principles I stand for and express myself through.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not swayed by their ridicule.

I commit myself to intentionally subjecting myself to ridicule, so that as the energy reaction comes up within me, I can utilize this moment to breathe and release this pattern that I no longer accept and allow myself to believe to be who I am.

I commit myself to stopping the self-construct belief system that is defined through me giving others the responsibility to define myself…interesting.

TBC

Day 388 - Realizing My Utmost Potential: Purifying Self-limiting Beliefs

I've now published my Declaration of Principle, and now it's time to start detailing what it practically means so as to provide a road map for myself. This is necessary because the process that is required to live by these principles constantly demands specificity. This is not an act of positive thinking. This is the real nitty-gritty of self-transformation, and it begins here.

I'd like to start with a quote from Sunette Spies:

"I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how my “within” would become my “without” – where: I kept on accepting and allowing self-doubt, insecurity, fear, uselessness to sabotage my relationship to responsibility, then responsibility would come and accept/allow “I am not good enough” to take over – which then leads to me disappointing myself and others when it comes to responsibilities until eventually…I stopped placing myself in ‘responsible’ / ‘dependable’ situations and embraced the ‘irresponsible’ / ‘undependable’ persona."

 The original blog post can be found here. When I read this, I could instantly relate to it and could see how I am also sabotaging my relationship to responsibility through self-doubt, insecurity and fears that connect intimately with my self-concept, who I believe myself to be. What I notice about this point in particular is that I'm uncomfortable while contemplating it. It's like I don't have the words to fully understand what's going on, so I could extrapolate that I've never understood why I have been walking throughout my life with these 'heavy', self-limiting beliefs.

It follows that: I cannot live my fullest potential, if I have not yet realized my fullest potential; and I cannot see my fullest potential if I am perpetually am entangled with self-limiting belief systems that dominate my consciousness with a fierce fear-energy that I have not ever sorted out. What a mess! To map this out, it looks like: I'm accepting and allowing belief systems about who I am / who I can become because underneath of those beliefs lies the fear-energy that I've never faced.

Flowing with fear = never realizing or living to my utmost potential.

I now commit myself to expose these layers of the mind to myself, so that I may adequately support myself to become my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow beliefs about who I am and what I can/cannot do. I realize that this acceptance and allowance these internal, self-limiting beliefs, without questioning, is detrimental to my fullest living expression of myself, here on earth. I commit myself to question and examine all my beliefs more thoroughly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly accept and allow my beliefs so as to not see the exact details of how I had created these beliefs in the first place. I realize that a hasty acceptance of beliefs is likely propelled by systematic energy in my mind that I've created and compounded over and over through my perceptions, choices and habits throughout my life. I commit myself to firstly stop creating and accumulating these belief-substantiating energies of the mind; this I realize is a process preceding real self creation in the physical world. I commit myself to recognizing the hasty nature of self-limiting beliefs, so that I may then stop, breathe, and go into the details of the belief system, look at the fear and various systematic energies, and to from there go immediately into spoken self-forgiveness and/or writing. I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing unquestioned self-beliefs to direct me in ways that sabotage my responsibilities and capacity to take on additional responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from taking on additional responsibilities because I believed I couldn't handle them or would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "I can't handle more responsibilities," and/or "I may fail," not realizing the fears and justifications behind these thoughts that perpetuate self-limitation and prevent self-expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not, in detail, go through all of the justifications, beliefs, and the fears behind them, that have kept me from exploring and expanding my capacity to handle more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.

I commit myself to structuring my responsibilities in such a way that I can effectively accomplish more and more. I realize that doing this requires lifestyle changes. I commit myself to begin letting go of that which does not serve what is best for me, and so all.

To be continued...

photo source: flickr

Day 387 - I am, I stand, I create

In the last post, I began to just dive into this specific point of waiting for external environment to guide, shape and influence my walk of life, my decisions. Of course, this is natural to a degree, but my experience of myself is that I'm constantly just going with the flow, being swayed to and fro. I'm much less taking the initiative to create my life, to create opportunities and situations with Self as the Authority. As I walk this my process through the mind, utilizing the Desteni tools, I am garnering self-trust that I can and will create situations that are best for all. This is the unwavering principle that I commit myself to learn, practice, and live as my updated self-expression. The old programs in my mind, the structure of my thinking, are self-interest based and outdated.

 Here, I'm going to continue with the self-correction statements from the last post, but before I do, I'm going to specify, "I forgive myself for just going with the flow." Thanks for the feedback Adrian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow, wherein I limit my self-expressive capacity through only moving myself within reaction to external stimuli. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to myself the responsibility to consider all relevant points, and from within that, take initiative and direct myself to create my myself and my external to become the highest potential. I no longer accept and allow myself to passively wait for life to hand me lemons. I commit myself to  go buy lemons and plant a lemon tree, considering what is best for all, here, now and in the future. This is an example of how I am starting taking the initiative in my life, an example of Creation, with and as, Self and All.

When and as I see myself in a state of uncertainty where I am waiting for my external world to tell me how to be, how to act, what to say, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, and responsible for what I think, say and do. I commit myself to direct and create my life despite how uncomfortable it may seem at first.

When and as I see myself going with the flow of life because I see this as a form of stability, safety, freedom from judgement as I am not responsible for the direction my life takes, I stop I breathe. I realize that this belief about 'going with the flow' as a form of stable and safe living is only valid from the perspective of my ego that prefers to be infallible, and so making decisions becomes a risk where others can potentially judge me. I commit myself to continue expounding upon this specific point of fearing judgement from others as a catalyst for indecision. And I commit myself stop the pattern by recognizing when I'm awaiting external stimulus to react/respond to, take a breath, consider how I can create/initiate a best for all outcome and put it into action. Self-movement.

I commit myself to stop creating myself to be a victim of my environment, swaying through the tides of life instead of standing a pillar, standing on principle.

When and as I see myself desiring the easy way, to have the responsibility of guidance in my life to be given to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that by taking responsibility to direct my life, I am giving myself the greatest gift I could give myself: participating by co-creating life on planet earth.  I commit myself to giving myself this gift and working through any limitations that bar me from receiving this gift.

I commit myself to pushing through all limitations and self-sabotage points that keep me from realizing my utmost potential and contributing the the betterment of humanity on a global scale.

When and as I see myself in a state of complacency, assuming that my life direction is superb and that I will be remembered as a great man, I stop I breathe. I realize that it actually requires hard work and dedication to create value in this world. I realize that I can not passively glide through life AND leave a legacy behind that I can be proud of, so I commit myself sit and wait no longer. Every day, every hour, every breath, I have a decision to make: Will I be honest with myself and move to create value in alignment with what is best for all, or will I spend another moment deluding myself in a temporary realty wherein I only see a much smaller picture of myself, my potential and the world around me.

When and as I see myself in a state of fear of failure and/or rejection, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear limits me from taking the initiative to express myself and create outcomes that are best for all. I realize that fearing rejection/failure is self-interest, protecting myself as ego. I commit myself to push through this fear over and over and over, until the prospect of failure and rejection does not unnecessarily weigh me down and become my directive principle. I commit myself to let myself risk failure/rejection in moments where I see that I can insert myself within a starting point direction of creating what is best for all.

When and as I see myself reacting to my environment with a perceived certainty and control within my reactions, I stop I breathe. I realize my reactions for what they are: reactions. I commit myself to stop justifying my reactions, however valid they may seem in a moment. I realize that by breathing in, I can take into consideration the relevant facts of any situation and who I am within it; and as I breathe out, I move myself to initiate and create the best possible outcome for all life.

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Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty

In my last post, I started investigating my relationship with Uncertainty. Now, it's time to write out the process of changing it, and we'll see if anything new opens up along the way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as my nature in moments of uncertainty, and so allow myself to freeze up, become indecisive, and not take responsibility for directing myself in the situation that gave rise to the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through desiring certainty, confidence, assuredness, safety, not realizing that within this desire, my starting point was a fear-based energy which is not who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the fear-themed thought, not realizing the separation of self within and through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a future projection and become attached to a desirable outcome, such that when I cannot be certain that the projection will manifest, I create a fear reaction that the projection will not manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that living according to future projections is a breeding ground for fear. I commit myself to start shifting into moment to moment, commonsense consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the future projections, wherein the uncertainty of it ever actually happening is a threat to myself as an ego. If failure happens, then I am defined by that failure, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to invest myself into this belief system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself be failures and success, instead of realizing that who I am within failure and success, how I respond to failure and success, is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create 'what if' thoughts to justify a limited existence of myself, such as justifying myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "play it safe" when faced with uncertainty, by pursuing only what has a higher degree of certainty. I realize here how I've been taking more risks in other areas of my life to balance out this personality design. Example: Physical adventuring out into the unknown, balances psychological freezing up in the moment of making the first kiss happen. In this I am seeing that my fear of judgement from others weighs heavier in contributing to moments of uncertainty than does matters related to fearing for my physical well-being. This tells me that I still have a strong connection to the self-definition that I've built through the years in relation to other people in my world. This has to stop. I understand that my ego is not who I am, and yet I still fight to keep my ego alive...funny wording. As if the ego is actually alive!..hmmm. I haven't considered that I'm looking at my ego as a separate, living entity. It's an intricate system, yet it produces feelings and fears that feel real in the moments when they arise..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ego is an intricate system that obeys rules that I have set, based on all my past experiences. I have been seeing myself as the ego as living and as superior to myself. I built it. I created it. I want it to last...I AM THE ONE that is making my ego seem alive. I'm giving my life over to it. Wow, it's like the most fascinatingly integrated program ever, but I see it now. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am substantiating my ego with myself through all my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the mind and direct my life from within my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that it is difficult or "impossible" to stop the mind, my trusted program that protects me from exposing myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exposing myself to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend the idea of myself, where if there was a potential for others to see me negatively, I would resist interacting with them to keep my ego/self-image safe from discord. In this play out, I realize that the whole while I have been creating the discord I was trying to avoid, and 'what you resist, persists', so on goes my relationship with the programmed consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into the awareness of what I've been doing to myself to the degree necessary to realize I must stop and change myself in relation to my participation within the mind, fear of judgement.

So the main point that presented itself today was that my specific system within uncertainty is related to fearing judgment of others onto self that would contradict my idealized self-image that exists in my head only, and has been created through future projections and past experiences of ego-validating moments with others. I realize that I this fear of judgement is substantiated in part by my own self-judgements, judgments toward others, and desires to be more than I am. To come: working on expanding my understanding of how and why I created these desire to be more than I am, to be better than others...yes. That's one of my original points walking into Desteni. I was a spiritual researcher, wanting to become enlightened and better than others to teach them all what's up. My ego drive went unfettered by me. This ends here.

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Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

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Day 380 - Careful Self-Branding and Personality Portrayal

Yesterday, I blogged about my starting point within blogging. Many times in the past, I have found myself writing to please you, the reader, instead of using this space appropriately for my individual process of self-supportive writing and investigation. The 'sharing it publicly' factor should only weigh in afterwards in the form of editing typos and clarifying what doesn't even makes sense to me.

The possibility of your negative judgment of my writing was the main backchat within my initial resistance toward starting this blog. Why? Because I wanted to make sure that when I started publicly expressing myself and producing content, that I did so in a strategic way to gain approval and influence on the interweb. I was so worried about carefully shaping my content, that I resisted and delayed producing anything. Even still I struggle with pushing myself to publish video logs because I am still justifying this point of needing to make a certain impression, especially because the video medium allows for higher visibility, transparency and is easier to consume.

I also experienced a high level of frustration yesterday when I had not successfully saved my new self summary on my LinkedIn profile. I had written it with extraneous care, considering how every sentence fragment could shape how readers perceive me. Funny enough, I was writing it simultaneously as I was working on yesterday's post, so the point eventually became obvious how I was writing within ego; however, I continued justifying that I need to carefully and consciously shape how others saw me, especially in the harsh world of business professionals. So, when I lost my self summary and had to rewrite it again, I was constantly reminded of how great I thought it sounded, how perfect it was, how I can never get it back exactly as it was. I recognized my intense reactive state and I wrote about it in my computer journal. I had let the point go for the night, and came back at it with a fresh brain today. I wrote it this time with a more carefree, 'give it my best' attitude, remembering that I can always change it again.

It is now time to walk the self-forgiveness on this point more thoroughly within the dimension of being paranoid about others are judging my online presence. In upcoming blog posts, I'll get more into the paranoia surrounding my perception of how others judge my offline presence, which is a biggie.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firstly consider how other people may perceive and judge my online writing, not realizing that these judgmental people are actually in my head within a subconscious layer of my mind, and thus an extension of myself. Therefore, I am only really judging myself when I limit my expression in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to careful impression management creations as my written self summary on LinkedIn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I lost my carefully crafted facade of myself as my written online identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach frustration to loss, not realizing the truth that I can never lose my authentic self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is imperative that I manage how others may or might perceive my character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the characters that I create and (attempt to) portray.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure when I do not successfully portray a specific character to invoke a specific, positive response in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is not a character, and that the characters I present are simply either effective or ineffective. In this, I now see realize and understand that an ineffective character only requires to be adjusted, and that failing to invoke the desired response in others is not something to be taken personally. I am not the personality that I present. Who I am is life, as an expression of what is best for all. And I commit myself to continue this journey towards unhindered self-expression within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect success with positive responses/judgement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-definition with the character or public representation of myself in a particular situation that requires a certain personality suit.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will make many mistakes when consciously representing myself in a particular way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make these mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making mistakes to my self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes in how I represent or express myself, not realizing that this fear is rooted in the belief that I am the personality that I create and live through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, not realizing that this fear is holding me back from effective, authentic self-expression.


When and as I see myself fearing that I will not effectively portray myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that the way I present myself is not directly linked to who I am, and thus, I commit myself to stop taking it personally within judgments, manifested or subconsciously projected.

When and as I see myself projecting subconscious self-judgments in the form of personalities/voices in my head, I stop I breathe. I realize that writing from a starting point of validated projected judgments severely limits my capacity to authentically express myself. I commit myself to stop the internal self-judgment backchat in the moment that I become aware of it, take a deep in-breath, hold it for a few seconds, stabilize myself back into my physical, breath out and express myself authentically in whatever situation.

When and as I see myself justifying an elaborate process of impression management while writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can always edit and make adjustments to my writing to portray myself more effectively after I've expressed myself unencumbered by voices in my head. I commit myself to first write for myself in getting my main point out, before I criticize and edit my writing.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake when presenting myself a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to make edits and test out another way of presenting myself in my writing. This process can be repeated until I am satisfied. When in a real life interaction, I commit myself to accept when I make a mistake, let it go, and transition my expression back to the here-now moment and direct the interaction accordingly within common sense. I commit myself to not fear making mistakes. I commit myself to flag point whenever I see that I fear making a mistake, to further investigate the point.

When and as I see myself identifying with my mistakes, I stop, I breathe. I realize that who I am is not directly represented by the portrayal of a particular character or personality that I have created (consciously or not); though within this, I realize my responsibility for my physical participation, as actions and words, regardless of personality suit. I commit myself to remain emotionally detached from my mistakes, and instead, utilize them to make changes and improvements.

When and as I see myself reacting to positive feedback/judgement by taking it personally, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this reaction indicates an ego-oriented perspective, that charges this mind construct and substantiates both the positive and the negative within my disillusioned perception of judgment. I commit myself to breathe, be here, and express myself for the sake of self-expression and value creation in this world. Any feedback from others does not define who I am. No matter how much they assert and believe they're judgment is correct, I know confidently that who I am is determined in my starting point of my expression.

I commit myself to continue practicing self/character expression through words until there is no interference from the voices in my head. I commit myself to stop the self-judgment system. I commit myself to express freely within what is best for all.

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Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior

This is a core concept that we study in the Desteni Group: How have we automated ourselves as human beings. It's a multidimensional point to look at because firstly there is the mind/body/awareness distinction, there's the unity amongst them, and there are the many layers of logic/emotion within the mind itself. Briefly, who we are is all three, but the distinction can be described as that awareness being who we are, enslaved by the past and future constructs of mind, with the body being our physical expression from which the mind generates or resources all it's energy from. It's like our physical body is a battery for the mental reality, just like in the Matrix! Here's an example of some Desteni material that actually illustrates this point and touches on what I'm going to elaborate on now.

The multi-layered mind holds within it a long history of decisions. We store many memories for the sole purpose of making future decisions easier. This process happens on various levels of consciousness, but primarily we integrate many decision frameworks on a subconscious level in childhood. We continue the process on a more conscious level later one, but the big kicker here is that our conscious decisions are built on the foundation of the subconscious layers. Big surprise: the basic motivations in making these decisions on all the conscious levels are based on avoiding pain and gaining pleasure; fear and desire.

So we've spent our whole lives automating our behaviors, our personalities, our entire perception of reality through a lens of fear and desire within self-interest. The Desteni principle of moving this starting point of self-interest into a starting point of best for all, is merely an act of compassion, integrity, and common sense really. I want what's best for all, but my preexisting mind programs that I've so carefully created to benefit me all those years of my past require an equal care to disengage and realign with my new decision to live by the best for all principle.

Now, putting this all into real life examples, and sharing with you how this point opened up for me. I have yet to stabilize my relationship to the nail biting habit, and I was doing well by not biting them at all for a week, in part because a friend saw my facebook post about breaking this habit and decided he'd strike up a conversation with me about it. We ended the conversation in an agreement to be a support for each other in stopping this obsessive habit. The day we were to speak again, I made a decision that changed everything..

I started to bite one of my nails, I stopped, I thought about what I was about to continue doing, I thought about it more, then I thought about the solution of not doing it AS I CONTINUED TO BITE. As you can see here, I fell. This playout was not a 'stop and breathe' movement. It was a stop and think movement. Interestingly, what really brought my attention to this point was how during the moment I was thinking about the solution and continuing to bite at the same time, my right ear started ringing. I referenced some of the desteni perspectives that I've come across in the past few years to relate the ringing to a misalignment in the structural/physical (right side) 'here' (h-ear) moment, which resonated really well. I was ignoring the physical correction that needed to be put into action in that here-moment.

For the next several days, I continued biting my nails, and I continued investigating the importance of that single moment of accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails, here. I was 'here' with me and my thoughts as I decided to continue biting. This was the moment that I automated an unwanted behavior.

What a silly thing to do. Why would I do that? It's moments like this, where the mind holds contradictions and yet directs us to pay attention to the just the information that suits our immediate desire/fear.

The solution: To stand back up, and begin again with the process of accumulating physical memories of asserting my self-direction with the relationship I have toward the nail biting habit. There are many dimensions of many contexts for which this solution is applicable. We create our reality. I created this relationship to nail biting primarily from a fear starting point of having a nail get ripped off in some freak accident with a screen door slamming shut (memory of this happening to my brother). I see, realize and understand that this relationship, born of fear, does not serve what is in the best interest of all, and thus, I must recreate my mental framework, layer by layer, until I am stable in relation to my nails.

Tomorrow I will continue with the self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. Still to come, How to Program Yourself and Automate Wanted Behaviors.

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

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Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

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This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
2. Fear begetting fear.
3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.

This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

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(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)