Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.
I was going to write a
Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process. Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.
For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.
Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.
I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.
Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.
Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to
control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.
I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.
That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group,
from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.
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This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in
their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :) - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.
Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:
- Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
- Fear begetting fear.
- Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
- Self-worth derived from public opinion
- Yielding to others to create my world and reality.
This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth.
It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)
(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)
