Day 397 - Finishing a post

I commit myself to finish this post.

I have a long-standing behavioral pattern of starting lots of little projects and not finishing them. For example, I've now got 4 draft posts starting with "Day 397 - ..." Some of them have have only a sentence; others have enough content to be published.

An important question = WHY?! Why am I doing this? There are several angles to take on it, so I'm going to methodically work through them.

1)   Trying to blog about too many angles of a particular topic. This is what happened last time, and what I am now at risk of doing, but this time, I'm committed to finishing. When unexpected angles, dimensions, facets, factors, etc. come into play, suddenly the whole idea of the plan can become shaky. It's like the mind is driven to reach a goal within a rigid plan, and as soon as things aren't going as expected, then the drive vanishes and the beginning never meets the end.

2)   Nurture. It's far too easy to just blame my parents, but I can see similarities in myself and the way I approach projects and various activities in life. I could go on to make comparisons, but that's not direction that I'd like to take my writing. The key within this is to recognize the similarities between Self and parents/whomever, write and expand our understanding about the strengths and weaknesses, and then TAKE RESPONSIBILITY to leverage our strengths and strengthen our weaknesses.

3)   Focus. I have 11 tabs open in my browser, not including this one or the other 220 I have stored in my OneTab extension. Like I said, I have an issue with finishing what I start. Fret not! I've got this point in my sights and I'm not backing away. To stay focused is simple (see the first 7 words in the post). And if that fails, investigate what went wrong, and start again with a fresh commitment. Why is this so powerful? Because Self has all the power, unless you give it away through accepting and allowing mental programs to drive your thoughts and so your Self.

4)   Prioritization. Without it, we can cast our vision too wide and quickly become overwhelmed by it all. My relationship with the sensation of overwhelmingness has typically been avoidance. As soon as things become "too much," I turn in the other direction. So, "too many responsibilities to do right now" = avoid all responsibility and find bliss in a game of Sudoku. It hurts to write. Self-Honesty is easy, said no one ever. Solution = orient to only the top priority and go for it. If a higher priority comes up, then focus every fiber of your being on that task until it's done so that you may return to the highest priority you were previously working on.

5)   Habit. Procrastination is not just something to take pride or shame in. It's also a habituated behavior. The mental pathways that lead to this behavior over and over again become favored in specific situations. Throughout my school years. I did what I wanted to do after school, and I did my homework (sometimes very) late into the night. This was my preference, and whatever the negative consequences were, I simply wrote them off for years on end. Now, the pattern is basically the same, except now, I've got a new starting point: Do what is best for all. So, it's not just me considering me anymore. To build my future and create significant value for others, I need to shed this habit. How? Self-forgiveness and corrected application commitments...work damn well.


Wrapping it up: I realize now that I don't have to have the perfect post...

6)   Perfectionism. Almost forgot it. I've intentionally left the above line to show my willingness to no longer trouble myself with the impossible goal of perfection defined in comparison with the ideal. This haughty goal takes a lot of energy and has gone on too long. Enough! The correction is in realizing that what I've written so far is already perfect within the process of perfection. Meaning, it doesn't have to be perfect now, but through continually applying myself and adjusting things as I go along, I will ultimately get as close as I can to perfection. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is living to your highest potential.


It is important to realize that forward movement is essential to becoming a success in any endeavor. Trying to reach perfection in one fell swoop and giving up if any obstacle comes up is a recipe for regret. Practice the writing and Self-honesty (@DIPlite). Move within imperfection while striving for a well defined outcome, and be ready to parkour any obstacles that stand in your way. Be ready for anything. Focus on the outcome you want, and focus on the solution when problems arise.

Creation is a movement and it doesn't always go as planned. Expect the unexpected and move like water.

source: garinkilpatrick.com

Day 384 - Mini-Day Scheduling: Resistance Dimension

In my last two posts, Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty & Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance, I began to examine my relationship with uncertainty. Although it was more in relation to being halted by a fear of failure in some way, I realized that there is more that must be looked at within it.

Lately, I've been taking a more specific look at how to most efficiently structure my daily responsibilities. There is a methodology that I came across when I was only in the 6th grade that was referred to as the Mini-Day Schedule*. I'm taking a second crack at it now! I found it to be a little over my head when I was younger. So far, I'm finding that again, I'm facing similar resistances to putting this concept to work in my life. What's different this time is having many more explicitly known responsibilities. I can't afford to allow the uncertainty of how this new schedule functions to get in my way from practically applying this supposedly invaluable tool. Here's another dimension of how I've accepted and allowed uncertainty to sway me: procrastination. This is one of the very points that establishing this new Mini-Day schedule will support me to stop. This self-sabotaging game is done here.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I've been sabotaging myself through giving into the resistance and delaying my active effort to create an efficient schedule of my daily living participation.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and delay implementing new/foreign techniques that I do not have a mental certainty of the successful use and outcome thereof.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by my mistakes when trying something new.

I commit myself to now face this point and walk each step of creating a mini-day schedule for myself, so that I may establish a foundation from which I can make improvements until I am consistently effective in applying this tool of structuring my responsibilities.

Now, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist holding myself accountable for my use of time. I realize that to record all the physical movements throughout my day to day living requires self-honesty and the grace of accepting that I'm not as perfect as I think I am. (weakness & strength polarity) I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the self-honest truth of what I actually do with my time.

When and as I see that I am trying to protect and defend myself from the honest truth of how I currently spend my time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it's not something to take personally. Taking it personally is why we get stuck in reactive mode. I realize that many of my decisions are made by the programs in my mind that I've established over time through intricate and specific fears and desires. Within this, I realize that the key is to identify each Decision Maker Program that does not contribute to my ultimate interest, that which is best for all, and shut it down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing parts of myself when I am faced with the moment of making a decision either as a self-interested program or as a self-honest awareness of all relevant factors. Too often short term interests seem to be too appealing to deny. I do not want to deny myself something apparently 'great'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the bigger picture for a moment of weakness where I allow a mental program to make a decision for me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the moment of self-dishonesty where I allow myself to delude myself for long enough to allow the program to choose for me.

I commit myself to self-honestly look at my day, record my actions, and begin this process of grouping my actions into fluid physical movements, allowing me to move swiftly through my daily responsibilities.


Thanks reader.
Leave a comment to share any perspectives or questions you may have.


*Credit for the Mini-Day Schedule concept goes to the writings of Mark Hamilton. For a brief overview, you can check out this blog post by D. Trauterman. Credit for the Self-Forgiveness process obviously goes to Desteni and the Desteni I Process.

Disclaimer: No tool can help you unless you are willing to use it properly.

Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

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This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
2. Fear begetting fear.
3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.

This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

cc

(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)

Day 364 - Inertia Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly give myself over to the mind in allowing it to direct me throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being productive by getting my procrastination out of the way first :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain physically inert, as I give my directive principle of my body over to the mind, wherein the mind as me decides to take the easy way and produce nothing of value in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain inert for an extended period of time, allowing the mind to drag me deeper and deeper into a reactive psychological state where I only respond to my environment with what is necessary for my survival. In this, I note that my survival also extends to the survival of my ego (what others think of me), though this image maintenance is functioning at a bare minimum, just enough to avoid serious consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the passenger seat in the car that is my life.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to really assert myself, trust myself, be the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an outcome for which I am responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it best to skate through life, relatively unnoticed, so that I can avoid potential negative judgement from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define who I think I am, based on how I think others think of me. Within this, I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, and perpetuate this system of separation and judgment within me in multiple ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how others might judge me by remaining as I am, inert, safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect inaction to safety within a positive relationship, where I seek safety, and so I seek inaction. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand this design of layered motivation that allows me to hide personality aspects from my perception. This alone is a solid reason to write the mind out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dig deeper into the rut of inaction, feeding the mind, strengthening the mind, giving into it, giving it my power; and for a moment, perceiving myself to be less than the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this feeling of compulsory procrastination (resistance energy) to manifest through my mind and into my daily living without questioning it, or who I am within it.

When and as I see myself sitting around the house and not doing anything productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself in reality in alignment with what is best. I commit myself to snapping out of it by taking a breath, recognizing the energy for what it is, and asking myself if this is really who I want to be: a slave to the mind.

When and as I see myself arguing for my limitations, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Who am I deciding to be in this moment? Why? Taking into consideration that the feeling that I have to procrastinate is just a programmed mental reaction that I have accepted and allowed over many years to be my directive principle, is this really what I want to define me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand why delaying my process of standing up and becoming the directive principle of my life is not okay. In the very act of postponement, I give life to the system, I feed that program in the mind, I validate it, I contribute, support and strengthen the feeling/emotion within and behind it. I no longer accept and allow myself to continue to sabotage my process of self-change by giving in to my feeling/emotion reactions of delay.

When and as I see myself resisting the self-directive choice, and would rather prefer to give in to the mind, I stop in that moment, pause, lay down in my bed if that's what it takes, I breathe and stabilize the body by releasing that energy. From within the breath I look at my options. I realize my responsibility to direct the situation. I commit myself to direct myself within a practical consideration of what is best to do for myself and ultimately all. Currently, this mostly consists of walking this process and becoming an effective leader of my own life first. If I can't help me, I won't be any help to others.

When and as I see myself motivated to do what is best, I stop I breathe. I realize that acting within this positive energy of motivation is limited, and for this experience to exist the opposite must also exist, as per the law of polarity. I commit myself to give this motivated energy back to my body, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with the same goal, just without the energy as directive principle, but instead, myself.


Good for now. Reread this tomorrow and check the alignments. Reread this in a week, and write out which alignments didn't stick and why.

pic credit

Day 358 - Why do I fear making decisions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision. Some of the most prevalent contexts:

• Determining the future direction of my life path
• When my choice might/will cause others to judge me
• To be productive or procrastinate
• Self-interest vs. integrity

Within all my decision making, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by playing the endless skeptic, jumping from question to question without ever realizing my responsibility to stand as an answer. The indecisiveness that follows yields consequences that have had a real impact in my life. To stand within myself as less than the authority of myself is something I wish upon no one.

I was never before taught what it means to stand as an authority within myself. My perspective defaulted to the passive, background observer type. Perhaps this is one of life's lessons that comes in the dark of night or as a punch to the face. For me, I investigated what Desteni was presenting: self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-this and self-that. Self as one with, and equal to, all of existence...still figuring out the implications of that. Through slowly studying the whole message over several years of patience and perseverance, I conquered many of the fears that held my in my passive, background, observer perspective. I stand before myself today with a clear purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will make a correct decision, separating myself from the decision and judging it before I've investigated the outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rule my life from the starting point of anxiously choosing the first option that suited me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I had deluded myself into thinking that by choosing what best serves my self-interest, that I will become superior to others and then be more able to save the world. I forgive myself for never questioning my egoist motives before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having a quick fix or desirable experience, not even considering the consequential outflows.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that aligning my decisions with what is best for all, is also best for me, except here I can lead my life with real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the perceived authority of others and passively agree without considering the common sense stuff  like do onto others as you would have done onto you.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place importance in how other's perceive or judge me because I accepted and allowed that to define me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own self-interest of avoiding negative judgment from peers before the interest of what is best for everyone. I didn't even give myself the chance to critically look at my self-interest in this context. When and as I see myself doubting myself through the anticipated or feared judgment of others onto me, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the authority within myself, and I direct myself through a quantum decision to do what is in the best interest of all.

I forgive my past, so that I may move forward. I embrace my past, so that I may learn. I am here, and I decide to stop all the abusive patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as me. I commit myself to stand up, and take responsibility for doing what is best for all. On a practical level, this means writing, sharing, investigating, writing, sharing, eating, sleeping, working, writing and sharing the perspective that I know works: Standing as an authority within myself to live, to act, to lead with the principle of considering all things and keeping what leads to an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe, to be real, to be here, to stand stable, to practice, to live, to share myself, to express myself, to end irrational fear, to be practical, to finding the win-win-win (me-you-all) solutions in every moment.

There is nothing to fear about decisions when all is considered.

photo credit

Day 331 - Fighting with Myself

A broad topic, but yes, I am becoming more aware of this internal conflict and struggle between doing what I know needs to be done and doing what I want to do. I've given myself plenty of time to study and look at this internal interaction that is utterly useless, only supporting the master design of procrastination. What I've found is consisting of two key insights: 1) I am reliant on reacting to the external to determine my drive and work ethic, and also imagining how others with judge me based on my efforts and accomplishments; 2) The act of the internal fight directly supports that which I'm resisting, manifesting the delay point.

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire an external reason to motivate me. I realize that there is inherent separation of myself and that which is obtainable as a reward for my efforts. In this, I become addicted to and dependent upon a reward. Internal self-motivation is so foreign that I have allowed myself to keep taking the easy way, that which is known.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a source of external motivation to be personally better off in some way. I realize that this is not stable or sustainable through my experience. When there is now immediate reward, I postpone my responsibilities until I no longer am able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to direct myself according to what is best for me and all in a moment of deciding what I will do in the next moment. This is the most pivotal moment, and to underplay the importance here is the beginning of the internal conflict, as back and forth, indecision.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal conflict and feel that I am in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a mind within a polarity oscillation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by participating within internal conflict as indecision, I am energetically charging this particular mental design of delay, giving it life, justifying its existence. I am enslaved to the systems in my mind and I do not realize it the majority of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too hard to self-realize as the breath, as life, as the physical that is here in equality and oneness.

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When and as I see myself waiting for a motive, reward or psychological benefit of some sort to commence working on a given responsibility, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing my decisions out on paper if I am having trouble reaching the common sense action in the context of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a critical moment of deciding what to do next, I stop I breathe. I give myself that one breath to bring myself back here, to myself in the physical. I commit myself to not give into the internal fight with myself, realizing that in doing so, I have handed my responsibility to direct myself over to my mind system that will bounce my consciousness back and forth (polarity), generate energy that builds and builds until I feel I have no/less power to will myself one way or the other, and I give in to procrastination.

Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

Popular Android game - here

Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
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When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.

Day 294 - Becoming Efficient

There's an interesting dynamic going on within me. I have a perception that I and loaded with work to do, and then I perceive that for a moment it doesn't matter.

Procrastination.

The design of delay is what is going on here. I've been writing about this for a while now, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. The key factors to consider are 1) how I feel in a moment of resistance; 2) how I let that feeling guide me; 3) Perspective/Context dynamics

1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to the uncomfortable feeling of resistance when faced with work/application. I realize myself as the creator of this resistance energy-feeling. I commit myself to breathe until stable, instead of reacting to the feeling and thus validating/empowering its purpose/existence.

2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the energy of resistance by reacting to it. I forgive myself for not realizing who I am within submitting to the resistance. When and as I see myself within a reaction to resistance, I breathe, I stop. "Is this who I am right now?" I ask myself. I commit myself to asking this question.

3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the discontinuity in my perspective when I am driven to accomplish vs accepting and allowing delay. I forgive myself for allowing myself to subscribe/buy into the delay perspective - that it doesn't matter and I can do work later, not understanding the gravity of consequence within this perspective.


I see and realize my obligation to direct myself in every moment. Even if I am going to relax and take a break, I must direct that without suppressing that feeling of pending responsibilities. When I allow my mind as feelings and emotions and justifications to guide me away from self-direction, I am making a statement that I am weaker than my own mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as weaker than my mind, not realizing my oneness and equality with it and the mild to intense energetic experiences it/I produce.

Plan the hour in context of the day. Plan the day in context of the week/month. Realize the continuity. If not now, when? Do work.

Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Yesterday, I ended pt.2 of this series with a commitment to begin making an application of breath a new habit when faced with resistance, and desirable distraction. What I haven't really taken into account is all of the step I need to take to establish this habit.

This is the basis of which I will achieve my success. With a plan. With diligence. With commitment to who I am in relation to work. As barriers come up, I work through them. No more wallowing in failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I fail. I commit myself to perceiving failure as opportunity for growth, and no longer allowing a spiral of negativity. In my past, I have been so good at suppressing the self-defeated, inadequacy, "I can't do it" character that I wouldn't even acknowledge it. Rather, I'd simply move into a distraction or diversion that would allow me to maintain an inner positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my own inner feeling in a single moment rather than considering how I would self-honestly feel about a situation while taking into everything into consideration. To procrastinate requires this dynamic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily ignore the inevitable consequence of delaying work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how much more proficient I could be if I didn't delay even one task. Delaying one task, delays all tasks. Unless I agree with myself that the delay is warranted through having task 2 take priority over task 1, I need to stay focused on achievement. That yields success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay achievement, not realizing the consequence of delaying my success. If this continues until I die, I will have failed.

So what I'm seeing now, is that delay leads to failure and could be considered one and the same. I commit myself to not become discouraged and spiral into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how delay is a fail, especially when I don't get up and give my whole moment/hour/day away to a feeling-guided storm of 'unproductivity'.  I commit myself to stop this when and as I see myself in this behavior.

Before the behavior comes thoughts. I commit myself to flag point which thoughts occur when I move into delay so that I will be best able to walk my process effectively in dismantling those specific thoughts so my directive power lies within my breath. From here, I move effectively.

I commit myself to continue to with this point until I am a living, breathing example of self-direction in every moment. Enjoy.

Picture credit

Day 259 - The Longer Shortcut

Problem:

It amazes me how much I can do during a day and still not get around to the things I really wanted to do. This is the result of a particular type of laziness where I allow myself to justify delaying my original tasks because the secondary tasks are productive. Hence, I feel temporarily productive, on track, getting ahead on other responsibilities. So, there's a false sense of moving faster by moving quickly, YET chaotically. This is a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of deal.

Typical run of the program looks like: Intention set -> excuse to not do it right now, which is a multitude of vaguely justifiable activities. This procrastination system is deep rooted, and I've dug in to it a bit here and there since Day 2 - Procrastinating on Purpose. I've accumulated enough moments of procrastination and build a solid laziness character. Is this who I want to be? A being bogged down by a residual energetic enslavement? I can't allow this anymore.

Solution:

I realize that I do not have to allow the energy/feeling of laziness be my directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually submit to the energetic movements of resistance and lethargy that pop up within me when faced with working on my primary responsibilities that I have set for myself.

The only way I'm going to stop this pattern is by stopping it myself. Waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting haven't amounted to much. I realize that I must stand strong and breathe through the moment of desire to divert from my work. When and as I see justifications come up, I stop I breathe. I consider the point in a practical, level-headed manor so that I do not sabotage myself with simply wanting to remain in the positive energy.

I commit myself to write down the tasks/points that need to be directed after I am done walking the current point. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself from walking down a windy road unnecessarily. A to B, point to point.

Reward:

Developing the skill of self-direction will serve me for all of my years to come. A stability will be my starting point when facing any "difficult" situation. The reactions no longer dictate who I am in relation to...'my hot buttons.'  Riding the breath, not the energy.

There will be time saved as I become more focused and able to organize tasks. Within this I'll be more able to clearly see when a secondary task has merit or if it's more a method of escaping the primary task.

Ability to take on more responsibility when I stop cycling between, 'having the time to waste' and playing catch-up.

--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle between having time to kill and barely having enough time to finish my primary responsibility of the day, not realizing that I have bought into my own excuses and justifications to ride within positive energy movements without any regard or consideration for the actual consequences.

When and as I see myself moving within a justification that supports delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that just because I'm doing work, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being productive. I commit myself to breathe and consider the my work situation in common sense, write if it seems too much, and move myself within a directive principle that supports what's best for me and ultimately all as one and equal with me.

This blog is my birthing grounds. Thanks for reading.

photo credit

Day 258 - How can I make a Commitment more Real? Part 5

TO SELF, FOR SELF

There is a noticeable distinction between just typing a bunch of commitments because I need to get my blog finished by midnight vs. speaking commitments aloud, on my own time, for myself.

This brings up an interesting point: I've set a goal to write everyday and I've externalized this by placing a time for which I may allow myself to procrastinate until. Interesting how I have ingrained procrastination into my work ethic (stay tuned for blogs to come).

Speaking and actually meaning a commitment within a self-honest starting point, is vastly different, and I now realize how under-practiced I am at this. In a recent blog (Day 255), I committed to breathing before I write each commitment statement and made a note at how different that is than just streaming commitment sentences like a typing machine. I'm reiterating this point. I had a doubt that I would remember to do that, and today, I not only remember that commitment, I'm putting my foot down and solidifying this

I commit myself to realize who I am here in a single breath, with my attention on all that is here of me, when and as I make a commitment to myself.
--
Something else that just came up is how I've not been thoroughly considering what' going on inside of me. Like, I can't just go and commit to always living in alignment with what's best for all, when I haven't even given myself the chance to understand the conflicting forces that are at work.

(Breathing)
I commit myself to being patient with myself to understand what is at play inside of me. What is making a commitment challenging? Where am I, when I am not able to be consistent within a commitment? These sorts of things require attention before I go willy-nilly with commitment statements.

I commit myself to stop dishing out self-commitments like they're going out of style. This is me I'm talking about. Why shortcut myself? Investigate that DAN!!

I commit myself to becoming the director of my writing and my voice.

I commit myself to begin verbalizing, sounding my commitments and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself rushing through this process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am doing myself a disservice by delaying/short-cutting within my JTL efforts. I commit myself to giving myself the time to really investigate all dimensions of each and every point.

This will take time. I commit myself to walking process. I leave you with a quote:

"Failure is delay, but not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end street."
- William Arthur Ward

photo source unknown 

Day 185 - Planning on the Fly and on the Ground

Yesterday, I revisited 'planning' and how I haven't been considering the all of the details of following through with a plan. I also found that I have been weak with the moment-to-moment planning, like with a very small window of time. Now, I'm thinking how I haven't really yet considered the planning of the long-long term. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so ambitious and disconnected from choosing one focus for my first career path. I actually haven't realized how extensively I've participated in half-ass planning my whole: The notion of being removed from my intentions, like not true to my word or myself and others.

The whole idea with moment-to moment planning is being able to structure my immediate plans for the next 5 minutes or less. For instance, I started this paragraph with the intention of explaining what I mean by moment-to-moment planning, something I'm not very well acquainted with. I usually just allow a mental flow to commence and run with it. On the fly, semi-editing my phrases and direction as I go. I do not intend to plan every action and movement...or do I? To not lose spontaneity, yet be self-directive. This is possible. I can plan to allow and not allow particular actions/reactions, and I can change my plans from a self-honest starting point assessment of my reasoning. I didn't plan the second half of this paragraph where I went into questioning myself, which leads me to believe that my curious character could use a little/lot of investigation.

Planning on the fly can only happen intentionally, or else I'm floating along planless or within this experience of vague planning. To bring the plan to the ground and consider all of the necessary aspects crucial to meeting the objective is the point that I haven't really been considering. Example: In college, I'd go out to party and meet girls, but often I didn't have an exit strategy that would successfully lead to sex. I remember imagining how bachelors must have a quiver of on-the-fly plans to be able to bring home lots of sex. Regardless of the scenario or the goal, without a plan, I get side-tracked more easily, I'm less confident, less of a leader of self and others. In my process of becoming the directive principle of this physical body, I plan to see where & when my mind leads me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not set a stable plan from moment to moment, and just going with the flow all the time, not realizing how this could get me nowhere quickly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how procrastination and vague planning is me abdicating my responsibility to be the self-directive principle of/within my life. Yesss, nailed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply go with the flow and be lead by the feelings of grandeur, excitement, curiosity, and many others, not realizing that I'm not on track in accordance to my will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider planning from a multi-dimensional perspective, where I know what I'll be doing in the next 5 minutes and how that relates to my day, month, year, life.
--

I could laugh at this photo for days. To me it symbolizes a lack of multi-dimensional planning awareness. To avoid ending up like this fellow, I commit myself to planning my day to include taking breaks and sharing moments with nature/people/pets.

When and as I see myself unintentionally going with the flow of things, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am currently not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to exposing my mind's favorite habitual directions so that I may realize how I've been existing without awareness of my breath as life.

When and as I see myself moving through a vague plan or creating one, I stop I breath. I realize that I must ask myself: who am I within enacting this plan? Without awareness of self in each moment, I am existing as a programmed organic robot. I commit myself to stop casually roboting (rotting) through existence.

Layer by layer, I commit myself to revealing all of my programs, so that I can once and for all get with the program of life, here, on Earth.

Day 184 - Effective Planning Application

In the beginning of this year (on Day 162), I had set a new year's resolution to become a better planner. Well, I later became aware (on Day 174) that setting an intention to change self based on a timeline, is an externalizing abdication of responsibility, and rather we need to internalize the responsiblity to change oneself in one, all, and every moment. It's true.

openclipart.org

My intention to become a better planner has come about through my new physical, daily task list, but I'm not 100% consistent nor comprehensive. I paid the consequence for it today by spending the whole day typing up a project that was a day late. It wasn't all bad though. I'm currently retraining myself to be able to type faster and without looking, and appreciated the practice in using the right fingers for the right keys. And Anu's story is always so fascinating: Reptilians – How I Justified taking Control of Existence - Part 84 - It was a fun interview to transcribe, but for the Spanish folk who only get to read the translation, they're going to miss out on the entertaining voice intonations! It's worth a listen. And now I'm off track...which leads my mind to another planning perspective: Moment to moment style.

For now, I am going to just reconsider Planning Applied, as planned :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not plan my plans as a honest expression of myself. I can see myself still setting intentions outside of myself in a way were they are only considered once or a few times in the beginning, follow through = non existent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider the entirety of action steps required for the completion of the task in contemplation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place a plan practically within a time frame in the physical. Written or typed or drawn. Mental is not acceptable because my mind is unstable...Some simple tasks can be mental, but I guess this is a point of self-honesty in knowing how I am and who I am within setting an intention. I ask myself: Is it idealized and distant? Or practical and here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my ability to get things done based within my past experience of successful procrastination. Here, I overestimate my ability and completely do not consider the consequences that came from procrastinating, i.e. less sleep, less freedom, stress, worry, general physical compromise (poor eating, nail biting, etc.), missing opportunities (social and otherwise: getting other work done, maybe attending a guest lecture). Point is, delay is not fun or cool, yet my mind likes to believe that "I can do it and get away with it, so I may has well."
--

When and as I see myself half-planning, I stop I breathe. I realize that a vague plan is really not at all a plan that is concrete or stable. I commit myself to re-educating myself on how to plan effectively. This will be done through practice and trial & error (where error's are examined).

When and as I see that I have failed to plan, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must have set another plan in separation of myself. I commit myself to not judge myself, and rather physicalize a new plan and to keep moving. To keep practicing carrying out plans is the only way I will establish the stability and comfortablity required to be an effective planner. It starts now, then, and whenever I need to do anything (which is all the time).

Here I plan, and Here I complete.

Day 182 - Justified Aside vs Emotional Movement

Today I found how even a mental aside can be justified, so it not always strictly, mental vs physical in the context of distractions. The self-honesty factor helps to discern when an aside is justified or a waste of time. More specifically, I ask myself is this side task contribute to what is best for all? If so, does it take priority over the primary task? If not, why am I allowing self-compromise? The reasons why one would deliberately compromise self are a struggle to deal with because those are the acts that are habitual, learned, desired, and are frustratingly not best for all. They typically lead to a temporary positive reward/feeling. Ay, there's the rub.

pic link

Continuing from yesterday with relevant Self-Forgiveness, then onward to solidify the realizations of today.

Ah, firstly, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make self-forgiveness a chore of a puzzle wherein I experience resistance from a consideration/fear of how others will perceive my structure/continuity/correctness, effectively removing myself from the picture and making the forgiveness about others' perception, not writing from the heart and for myself alone. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize this point behind the experience of resistance. I now see how I can flow within self-forgiveness when I make it about me & for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand the why and how I let myself procrastinate instead of focusing on the next relevant point and continue my self investigation. Through that belief of not knowing, I was giving up before attempting to actually consider the why. I commit myself to stop giving into the feeling of resistance that keeps me stagnate in the moments of transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the unpleasant energy of resistance as "I can't," "it's too much/it's too hard," and through allowing these escape thoughts, I delay/avoid the unpleasantness instead of investigating it.

OK, design layout:

• Temporary positive distraction
• Temporary negative feeling placement

I see here that I've been very unstable within my relationship to doing work. I've been allowing the mental energy, without realizing it as that, to direct me within temporary emotionally driven experiences. This is a nice key to see the instability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually follow my emotions and feelings, and for not considering the whole picture - where I have allowed myself to simply seek immediate and temporary pleasures AND avoid dealing with projected dissatisfaction. This is when I place blame on something external for causing an unpleasant experience, and move away from that external object/person instead of investigating myself within that relationship. Where does the investigation lead? I guess I'll have to just wait and find out when that moment of specific self-investigation comes. (Example: like with how I started the forgiveness today: "Ah, firstly..." - that was an example of how I I found the source of the resistance toward the work/writing SF, which was not doing SF for and as me.) Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to run from the resistance and negative experiences instead of investigating them in relation to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to correctly investigate myself and so not try.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within investigating myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up before even making the effort to investigate certain particular patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this energy pattern of resistance and that I am able to go into the points of resistance within a self-honest investigation of self to determine the source of the feeling generation so that I may apply forgiveness and the corrective application statement.

--

When and as I see myself attempting to piece together and construct my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings from an externalized starting point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this creates a resistance or hesitation that I can flag point to bring self back to here. I commit myself to utilize the starting point of myself/for myself, here, when I am about to commence self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that running away from the negative experiences and toward a positive distraction is a temporary fix, wherein I do not consider what's best for all. I commit myself to address these moments of instability through careful investigation, making sure not to slip into overwhelmingness and given into the resistance of facing resistance.

When and as I see myself participating within an distraction, I stop I breathe. I, from this moment of self-honest self-awareness, discern if the side-task is justified within supporting my physical. I realize that the mental-supporting asides are energetic addictions. I commit myself to be patient with my self-investigation process, not to get frustrated by the resistance of actual self-change, and to allow myself the space-time to work out my addictions to self-compromising activities.

Today was monumental post in how it flowed from the beginning and new insight arose from the process of writing. The title started as "Justified Aside," and expanded as I opened it up more. I don't think I hit every point from yesterday that I wanted to let go of, so I'll be back.

Thanks. Enjoy your process.

Day 181 - Physical aside vs. Mental jump

Thanks Kitty!  pic from Day 10

When I don't know what to write or how to begin one of these entries, I have realized the effectiveness of just simply beginning to write. This was a particularly cool moment of deciding what to write on today because my cat helped me out. I was just beginning to get into my writing about how it is that I jump from one task to the next in a moment of even the slightest resistance toward the initial task, and my cat that I call "kitty" interrupted me. I talked back to her, "you just creep up to me, cast a single 'meow' and get my attention so easily." I realized that I was just writing about distractions, but this was a different caliber of distraction.

Physically induced aside vs Mental jump. This is what I wrote verbatim in my journal after excitingly thanking her for helping me achieve the insight that inspired today's post :)

A physical distraction is much different than my own mental thinking distractions, yet also very similar in how they both take my attention away from the present task. A physical distraction is more acceptable in my opinion, and when a physical distraction is unwanted, it's easier to say no to. A mental distraction with an energy attached, for instance, the energy of curiosity, is very easy to follow, especially when faced with a more mundane alternative, primary task.

So, the prevalent point I've been working with: "Procrastination," has a new perspective that I intend to utilize to cross-reference when I am having trouble focusing on a task or daily set of tasks.

Adding perspective:
Why do I follow the mentally induced distractions? Appealing, interesting, more interesting, don't want to forget it, fear I won't get around to it, now or never, only productive in pursuing these mental asides while procrastinating a primary task. Ok, some good stuff to work with here.

Why do I allow myself to deviate from primary task? Resistance (could be many reasons; case-by-case exploration here): Unsure, uncertain, fear of wrong, fear of criticism, fear of less than great...[note here, mental haze into vague guessing of what others will think of my writing as I bite skin on middle finger, right hand], too much work, straining. Ok, I have work to do in demystifying* external work. I've placed all sort of pre-conceived notions of experience likelihood onto external work (in separation of myself).

*"demystifying" is a vocab term I learned from Neo-Tech, a $100 book I bought from a mail-flyer when I was in 6th grade, haha. It was a very hard read that I never finished, but I pulled some pretty helpful concepts of how mind/reality operates. I consider it to be one of the first stepping stones of my truth-seeking journey. As I remember it, to demystify was essential to freeing oneself from the mind-controlled way of life where we just follow suit with the rest of the populace. ...It's actually quite like the notion behind self-forgiveness, now that I look at it. Interesting. General mindset toward Neo-Tech from outsiders: "cult," haha.

Back to here. Now in this example of writing about 'demystify' as a distraction or side-track time sink: it was physically induced through writing. I suppose I kept it going via a mental choice, but how else would I write. I am writing from the starting point of free-flow-figure-it-out, so it's chill. It's not an extensive distraction within avoidance of the primary task of writing this post.

...another distraction, physically induced by music, I started a search on YouTube for the original version of Our Day Will Come. As I was watching the video, I realized myself within the distraction, traced it back to how it started, then decided to let it keep playing in the background while I log what just happened. Back to here, I realize that I can always come back to myself to direct myself. I can always trace the source of my distraction in self-honesty. Bring self back to here is THE KEY of keys.

So, all my struggles with procrastination can come down to self remembering self here; just before writing this sentence, I started closing open tabs that I no longer needed. This was a secondary task that was physically induced by sight, after responding to the end of the song and turning on another version of the song. All it takes is that moment of "what am I doing?" "what was I doing?" Self-check.

Now, furthermore and interestingly, I've been checking myself because of the content of my writing. As I continue to develop my relationship to myself within my physical breath, I will have a more stable cross-referencing point of self-honesty. That's the goal anyways.

Regardless of the type of distraction, I realize that I can always stop, breathe, and check why I have allowed my self to move within the deviation. Sometimes, this can feel out of control / overwhelming. Self-forgiveness need be applied here for allowing the energy of overwhelmingness to take control and misguide oneself into helplessness.

Ok, enough for now. Thanks for reading, and I'll continue tomorrow with the self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

Day 179 - Self Pride

I've clarified for myself that I am walking several dimensions of my procrastination character. In the past month I've opened a lot up but I haven't been seeing it through. I have been advised by my DIP Buddy to write out and complete one point at a time, as this is the general general suggestion that has worked for those that have already been walking process for longer than I. It makes sense cause, once it's done, it's done and no time is being wasted trying to energetically maintain a physicalized idea of self-change. This is what I did for the month after I "stopped" biting my nails. Obviously, there are many more layers that I need to investigate/discover and work through (forgive and correct) before I can stabilize within real self-change. I have had success stopping habits (alcohol & drugs) without addressing all of the layers behind it, but I will need to dig up and let go of any attachments to memories, because currently, I am suppressing various mental images because I haven't spent the time to investigate the source of accepted/allowed self-definitions & fears.

Yesterday, I started looking at how disappointment in myself has been an accepted and allowed barrier to changing myself. Today, I'm going to balance the negative energy with the polar opposite positive energy: Pride. I haven't written a whole lot about any positive energies, mostly due to being unfamiliar with how to and/or not wanting to let go of them, but I'm ready to start.

cc

So, pride hasn't been realized as a barrier to productivity yet so I'm going to explore a bit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be prideful when I make other happy or think positively of me.

Haha, ok, that opened up a clear path. My mind went straight to how I place an emphasis on making others proud of me, and then to how that is a limitation within an authentic expression of myself within doing work. There is forgiveness to be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in how others see me and my work efforts, such that I miss myself and do work because of others. I have long only worked for others' positive judgments of myself. Ahh. (breath out)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place emphasis and value on how others view my work, where in doing this I am not working directly for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for others' judgments about me, not for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to please others first and foremost, and define success by how well others are pleased and happy because of me and my actions.

Dang, I literally defined success as making others pleased with my performance rather than simply considering myself only. By only considering how my actions feel within me in self-honesty, there is no point of comparison to feed pride to the ego, whereas when the starting point and emphasis is on other, I am ego within comparison. Look how fun this is to just write and self-realize shit :)

I think this mostly started in childhood, you know, trying to please the parents. There is a link to Day 62 that needs to be here, and I will continue to work with pride later on. I'm working on productivity related concepts at the moment, remember?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work for others reactions that I could internalize as validation/proof that my actions were right/successful, and ultimately that I am right and successful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the chance to work with positive energies and hence limit myself investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in other's opinions of me and undervalue or even completely miss my self-honest opinion of myself in the process.
--
When and as I see myself being lazy because I am faced with no opportunity to please others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the only person that needs to be pleased by me within self-honesty, meaning that I am considering all aspects of how my action(s) are effecting everything and is best for all within that common sense consideration. I commit myself to redefining why I do work, so that I am working for me alone within the reference point of 'best for all.'

I commit myself to stop placing others before me to determine if I am successful.

I commit myself to take on my pride character, piece-by-piece, patiently, and miss nothing.

I commit myself to pleasing myself :)

Day 175 - Media & Entertainment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not acknowledge how I am compromising myself through entertainment.

My biggest fall point in relation to getting work done is the satiating enjoyment of entertainment. Akin to zoning or spacing out, media allows me the opportunity to just let go and mindlessly consume mental stimulation. Here, though, this mental stimulation is not inherently bad. I am compromising myself because of the satiating factor: I long for it, I desire & fiend for it.

For example, drinking alcohol isn't the same as drinking recklessly. To enjoy a movie, television show, or video game responsibly is not the issue I am trying to capture here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear; fearing that I will not be able to overcome the desire to stop indulging in media/entertainment, placing the point outside of and larger than myself. This stops here.

To force oneself to stay in directive control is no easy process, yet it is entirely simplistic: Set goals, and don't allow self to deviate from the plan until the goal is finished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility toward myself within setting a goal AND moving self to complete it, while assessing in self-honesty, when I deviate.

I realize that I can change my starting point within any application. I realize that I may allow myself to indulge in media & entertainment within a self-honest agreement with self. I understand that when I disregard my goals and responsibilities as I move into neglect as I indulge in media & entertainment, I am not being honest with myself and am creating a necessary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I must stop my reluctance character, where I been disabling me from writing about this topic in fear of having to let go of that which I am not ready to let go.

This character design spans far and wide

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my irresponsible behavior within media and entertainment usage, and holding onto the perception that I must completely stop if I am to face this point.

When and as I see myself engaging media/entertainment without a self-honest agreement with self, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the point of change. I commit myself to uncovering and disengaging this character that likes to hide from consequence within distraction.

Ok, this is just an opening for today. I will continue tomorrow with investigating the multidimensional aspects of how I've oriented toward the use of media and entertainment.

photo credit

Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes

So, I feel less rushed after the past 6 days of focusing on the topic. There will be more layers to address, but for the moment I am comfortable with not being moved by that urgency/haste energy. I feel like it's simply up to me to do work. Tonight, I was having trouble pushing myself to write this, but I am not writing from that last minute motion. I'm writing from wanting to just get this done with already so I can move onto other things.

Tonight is about a procrastination-like sub-pattern: Zoning out or Spacing out...Which is actually quite expansive.

This moment is when I follow some random thought away from here. So this can be considered a very broad/general point. I noticed it today while I was playing soccer: I was off into a thought; I can't remember what exactly I was thinking about, but I was suddenly aware of how far from here I was. My body was physically present, but I was lost in thought. I was moving into position and somehow just trusting my space-time position was correct. And because I didn't need to be absolutely present at that moment, I allowed myself not to be.

So this is a matter of simple allowance. This happens a lot. I'm sure it happens to most of us. For me to stop it in the entirety of all my participation, it will be a process. Being an ingrained, habitual pattern that spans many specific behaviors and circumstances, I will have the purpose of today focused on where I enter my zoned out states, to sort of map it out for myself, initially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts along a journey of mind where I was hardly even present with my thoughts, let alone the physical existence of myself within every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to remove myself from the physical reality living walk and go into a mental space from which I allow myself to follow a distraction. This pertains to all of the problem points I've been writing about, but the common examples that first come to mind: video games, candy, desire for female interaction, social interaction in general, boredom, fear, nail biting.

Dang, here, it's easy to get overwhelmed even with this partial list. To focus on just one point at a time is the only effective way to face the mind. Why am I typically so inclined to be general? I think it's fear related...maybe a fear that I need to have the whole picture laid out before me so that I know what is there, what is left, how much more effort is needed. This is silly. Comparable to OCD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost within process and believe that if I map all of me out first then I will more effectively walk my process, not realizing that this preparation work is akin to procrastination. This is desire to reduce uncertainty. Fear of unknowledgeable. I see this design in my mother: always asking why to not, not know. Turning it back on myself hadn't been so obvious.

I see and realize myself deviating from today's topic because of following the mental energy, not directing myself here. I did somewhat allow it within stating today as general and not a specific point, however I did not clearly direct my starting point as a rant. It's just turned into it. Through realizations, I can change my starting point whenever I want. That's nice :)

Ok, I'm going to expand on this further tomorrow. TBC

Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

I keep thinking about my afterthought from yesterday:

"It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty."

Each breath is when I consider who I am in relation to every single breath, past and future. Current layers present themselves here in one breath's awareness of what's going on inside of me. For example: I have an urge to stop writing and play a silly time-wasting game, but I breathe and push myself to keep writing. This is a living self-direction, not instigated by a mental energy push or pull.

To stay on track and provide a concise version of what I was trying to capture yesterday and do the Self-Forgiveness on it, is less appealing than just moving on to the next point of how I want others to get here quick, but that will wait until tomorrow because today I push myself to stay focused and not hop around from point to point to point. This in itself is a point of anxiety, and it prevents me from writing out the depth that is required for me to really walk through a point in understanding and releasing it from existing as an automated function of my programmed beingness.

Ok, so yesterday I explained a bit about how I have been rushing through life and in that justifying procrastinating my day-to-day moments. It's time to work this out.

cc

I'm finding my self still awkwardly participating in this. As I have been delaying the writing my self-forgiveness for this topic for the bulk of the day. It really is true how an open point is intensified..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as self-doubt, believing that I won't be able to actually stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this writing all day so that I would, again, be forced to finished during the final hour of the day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize I've been compromising myself and my ability to freely accomplish much more by focusing on and delaying one point of work/application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an importance/significance/value onto a task such that I develop a resistance relationship toward it instead of simply directing myself through to completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination because I've planned to at least have whatever it is done by the deadline. This makes no sense. Why do I procrastinate simply because I can?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sense of my time perspective, and thus my awareness of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that each moment of every breath is indicative of who I am in relation to myself and my world. I can use this moment of awareness as a tool to self-discover my current program and stand up from within it to direct myself according to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and from that create a relationship of resistance toward particular, 'important' work and nonsensically delay it until I have to do it, ultimately ending up compromising my work by existing with "oh well, I did the best I could given the amount of time I had (given myself) to complete it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play as victim to time, when in reality it is I that is misusing time and responsible for saving work until the last minute because it's easier to stay focused because there is no other option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus and stray off into a mental energy pull when faced with work that is not immediately due.

When and as I see myself moving away from my work, I stop I breathe and I give myself that moment to discover what is really going on here. I realize that I am compromising myself by allowing this participation in this energy and justifying it as valid or worth following without truly considering all the consequences. I commit myself to writing about resistances until I uncover what is behind each moment of allowed participation until I am undoubtedly self-directed in every moment within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself moving toward a time-waster when I am clearly avoiding work, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really do not want to self-direct within responsibility in that moment, I must lay out an agreement for myself as some kind of strategy or plan to get back on track asap. Within this also, I commit myself to write about why I wasn't able to pull myself away from my time-waster. I commit myself to investigating all barriers to self-direction through writing.

When and as I see myself justifying delay because I certainly "will have enough time to complete it later," I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more that can be done the self-honest responsibility of acting in the interest of what's best for all. I commit myself to practicing getting my daily-planned tasks done early, and giving myself the rest/break/reward after my duties are done instead of before.

When and as I see myself moving within an energy in relation to my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that even a positive experience toward work will have polar consequences and by simply directing myself through work within my breath is stable and will not need to be balanced out. I commit myself to investigating and developing my relationship with my breath so that I can recognize positive/negative relationship orientations toward work readily, stop them, and find a stability within self in relation to work.

Tomorrow when I wake, I commit myself to keep focused on my breath and my work pace. When and as I see the mental draw toward guilt-inducting time-wasting activities, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Why? If? and How soon before I get back to my productive day plan. I realize that this process if a process and self-judgment is not supportive. I commit myself to supporting myself by stopping the judgement and thinking practically about my situation. I commit myself to catching when I move into a defeated character that just indulges in time-wasting so that I don't even have to face myself as/within being self-defeated.

I commit myself to "strength and honor."

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself. For example: No more repetitive indulgence to hide that I'm indulging. "Just one more video game round" "Just one more peanut butter cup" Just one more moment away from my work."

Whatever isn't clear, write. No more bs self-judgment -> back into same behavior repetition (i.e. fingernail biting) Grrr! < see, still self-judgment.

All for tonight. Thanks.