Day 188 - Finding My Breath

by Desteni Artists

Last night, I was kind of panicked thinking about how much I have to work out and still discover of my accepted and allowed lifestyle patterns. Overwhelmed and inadequate pretty much sums up my feeling. I realized that I am having an internal battle with myself  in relation to fearing nonacceptance of me by others. This problem is not to be solved within the relationship of others as I have been trying to do my whole life. This problem is solved by turning inwards to see what I have accepted and allowed within my relationship to myself. Where did I create a belief about myself as inadequate and in need of validation from others? This is a big question that I will have to solve in layers over time.

Today, I've been coming back to my breath more often than any of my days prior. There is a strength within it, more of a stability. Something I can trust.

Yesterday, as mush as I hate to admit it, I felt like I've been putting on a show within my self-forgiveness process. I've been so focused on getting it right and getting that approval from others. There have been posts that felt quite sincere as being an expression of myself, but in general, I've not been grounded within my breath. But I started this paragraph within an emotion toward myself, "hate to admit it," and this is anger. In my lesson material from DIP, there is a bit on "all anger as self anger." It rings true, but isn't immediately obvious. That's why I'm investigating!

I realize that I can always come back to the breath to stand up from within my mind. I also realize that all thoughts/feelings related to self-defeatism are of a mental participation and is not real. Only through my acceptance and allowance do these thoughts and feelings take hold.

I commit myself to take myself through process point by point. This feeling being overwhelmed and rushed is not working, so I must change to be effective. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu is
"nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished." I am to be as nature within and as my physical body, within and as each in breath and out breath. One breath, one moment, one point, one process.

Tomorrow I will continue with some specific & honest expressions of self-forgiveness.

Day 184 - Effective Planning Application

In the beginning of this year (on Day 162), I had set a new year's resolution to become a better planner. Well, I later became aware (on Day 174) that setting an intention to change self based on a timeline, is an externalizing abdication of responsibility, and rather we need to internalize the responsiblity to change oneself in one, all, and every moment. It's true.

openclipart.org

My intention to become a better planner has come about through my new physical, daily task list, but I'm not 100% consistent nor comprehensive. I paid the consequence for it today by spending the whole day typing up a project that was a day late. It wasn't all bad though. I'm currently retraining myself to be able to type faster and without looking, and appreciated the practice in using the right fingers for the right keys. And Anu's story is always so fascinating: Reptilians – How I Justified taking Control of Existence - Part 84 - It was a fun interview to transcribe, but for the Spanish folk who only get to read the translation, they're going to miss out on the entertaining voice intonations! It's worth a listen. And now I'm off track...which leads my mind to another planning perspective: Moment to moment style.

For now, I am going to just reconsider Planning Applied, as planned :)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not plan my plans as a honest expression of myself. I can see myself still setting intentions outside of myself in a way were they are only considered once or a few times in the beginning, follow through = non existent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider the entirety of action steps required for the completion of the task in contemplation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place a plan practically within a time frame in the physical. Written or typed or drawn. Mental is not acceptable because my mind is unstable...Some simple tasks can be mental, but I guess this is a point of self-honesty in knowing how I am and who I am within setting an intention. I ask myself: Is it idealized and distant? Or practical and here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my ability to get things done based within my past experience of successful procrastination. Here, I overestimate my ability and completely do not consider the consequences that came from procrastinating, i.e. less sleep, less freedom, stress, worry, general physical compromise (poor eating, nail biting, etc.), missing opportunities (social and otherwise: getting other work done, maybe attending a guest lecture). Point is, delay is not fun or cool, yet my mind likes to believe that "I can do it and get away with it, so I may has well."
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When and as I see myself half-planning, I stop I breathe. I realize that a vague plan is really not at all a plan that is concrete or stable. I commit myself to re-educating myself on how to plan effectively. This will be done through practice and trial & error (where error's are examined).

When and as I see that I have failed to plan, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must have set another plan in separation of myself. I commit myself to not judge myself, and rather physicalize a new plan and to keep moving. To keep practicing carrying out plans is the only way I will establish the stability and comfortablity required to be an effective planner. It starts now, then, and whenever I need to do anything (which is all the time).

Here I plan, and Here I complete.

Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to try to force others to see the merit of walking the process of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doing the good thing by telling others what they should do, not realizing the importance of walking process for self alone and how other's must walk it for themselves alone, too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have bee stealing the moment of self-realization away from others by imposing what I think is the realization for them in their context, where I'm only really providing a solution that isn't considering everything, and so it fuels their drive to debate/argue/find their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my impulsed thoughts without considering what's here in the context of all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ignore by breath and follow the energetic rise within me as "thought + feeling of right -> speaking it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and investigate the reactions within me in how they relate to who I am / where I am in process of discovering self as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help others before I've helped myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "if only I get a bunch of others to join desteni, then I've been a worthy contribution and my my application of myself is not as important."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've justified my advocacy character of placing others before self, and equated self as less, and so not worth my time.

This is a cool realization. The math of it looks like this: I am 1 person, but up against 10 others, I am less. Here, I did not realize oneness and equality, where 1 = all, so I = 10 others. Or 10 others is equal to my process. Only in limitation of separation am I able to hide as 1 up against 10, where 10-1 = 9 and is an overwhelming majority, and so justify not having to do work. :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in overwhelmingness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal with all. Each one is the all, and all is all, so all = 1. No separation. So I could say that if I don't walk process, no one walks process. And so, I commit myself to walking process for me alone (because alone = all one).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I cannot change others nor is it my responsibility to change others outside of me. If I stand in separation of another, I am out of line in trying to change them, where I am basically robbing them of their opportunity to self-realize, delaying process as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am prolonging process by trying to be help others before I help myself. I commit myself to STOP this in one moment, repeatedly.

When and as I see myself attempting to solve another's problems within a hasty mental grasping of the the problem outside of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that it is their responsibility to solve their own problems as they choose. I commit myself to attempting to only solve my own problems and assist others only when I am one and equal with the solution, and not trying to solve their issue from a self-interested starting point within separation (essentially, trying to prove to myself and other that I am smart and able to quickly solve new problems)

When and as I see myself justifying my impulse to help others with problems because I think they will move faster...oh snap, I've been doing this for a long time...justifying my egoistic aide...I stop this, I breathe. I now realize that I am not helping, and rather, I am not helping myself when I should be. I see how I am compromising self and other by standing in separation and not truly seeing myself or other as I just speak as.within the energetic impulse thought of reaction. I commit myself to turning back to myself within any and all charges/reactions toward other's problems.

When and as I see myself feeling praise or looking for praise in solving another's issues, I stop I breathe. I realize that WHEN ASKED, I can help if I understand the entire context and simply share my perspective without seeking praise. I commit myself to recognizing when an answer results in a positive feeling within me, and I commit myself to then investigate what my relationships are within that context to see where I have defined myself in limitation. I commit myself to forgive all self-definitions of separation that charge beliefs of who I am in relation to others. If I learn to be a mechanic, then I obviously will know more about something than someone else, but this is no longer accepted to charge my belief that I am separate and more than. Different and equal will come to define my evolution this year.

When and as I see myself in allowance of the movement of becoming overwhlemed, I stop I breathe. There is no excuse. I am not the energy of overwhelmed. I am not the victim of energy. I am stable. I am here. I am this physical existence and equally my mind.

So, I welcome my mind to assist and support me. I no longer accept and allow myself to be moved by the mind without consideration. I will investigate all points of self in relation to oneness and equality. Until it is done.

When and as I see myself in separation of another, within reactive speech, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am following a mentally impulsed thought based on memories. I commit myself to the correction process that will take much work, by following each thought-impulse back into myself to discover the source of the program within me, forgive myself for creating it, either directly or by conditioned allowance, and walk the change as the expression of my self-willed self-direction within the common sense alignment of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself as less, I stop I breathe. I realize there are an extensive amount of circumstances where this applies. I commit myself to investigating all of them.

When and as I see myself stealing an opportunity of self-realization from another, I stop I breathe. I reconsider who I am in relation to the point. I commit myself to speaking from a breath, rather than a thought. I commit myself to doing self-forgiveness for whenever I follow/become/express a thought as me, so that I may ultimately realize myself as the breath of the physical.

Enough. I've had enough writing and I bet you had enough reading (unless you just skipped to the end).

Tomorrow I will check my relationship to haste and close this series, unless, of course, it needs more attention. Thanks.

P.S. Today's focus topic was determined yesterday but written after listening to Cats 3, and this particular interview certainly influenced the realizations written above. I recommend this interview.

free use photo from flikr

Day 149 - Becoming Self-Honest & Realigning Perspective

The points I've identified the past few days:

- Energy of defending what I've accepted and allowed myself to express myself with/as
   * Defending superiority / opinion / perspective
       - Denying common sense to protect expressed opinion within an energy-emotion

- Creating others' possible thoughts about me / abdicating responsibility for open & honest communication
   * Giving up on self and other to reach shared understanding

- Fear of failure
   * Projecting this onto others
      - Using this to determine what they're likely thinking
   * Leading to being overwhelmed by future and indecisive
      - fear of future -> BIG ONE to be gradually deconstructed

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Specific forgiveness today is focused on the first two main points relating to judgement of others' and their perspectives in relation to where I perceive my perception to be greater, more encompassing, right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having superior/higher perspective than others and thus not facilitate equal and one communication as listening as I would like to be heard, and speaking as if speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my perspective so that I do not have to experience the humiliation of being incorrect or having a lesser perspective. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the feeling of losing when my perspective is lesser, so that I only see what is good and reinforces the positive conception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and accumulate a positive perspective of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to build and accumulate a negative perspective of myself.

I realize that there are many specific circumstances/situations in my past that I have used to reinforce this self-perception that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the accumulation of memories of myself in relation to certain points that I did not consider myself as equal and one with, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the external within judgement so that I could benefit by having the best perspective for me.

There is a lot going on here, and when I'm this abstract and general in my writing, I am building each statement using specific memories/moments, and that is the meat I need to dig up to effectively disengage from my limited, constructed perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carefully construct my perspective so that I can more often have the superior insight and create a mental conception of myself to be superior within knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the times I'm wrong, so that I may continue to build myself up within ego and define myself as superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am treading on loved ones to get a higher perspective, when all along, all I ever really wanted was what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I only ever wanted what was best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have succumbed to programming defensive, superiority-seeking personalities from the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be enough, that I am inferior, unable, unable to communicate, unable to be understood, and thus have created myself with these fears, and created a personality set to "overcome" these fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to cover up my fears by copying what I saw as the opposite, and never really living my self expression without fear involvement.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to predict what others may be thinking and thus react to my projection onto them, never really giving them an equal and one opportunity to express themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that "I am right and they are wrong," as I enter a conversation. I commit myself to breathing and noticing the design of my reactive communication so not to perpetuate the limited understanding from a pre-conceived perspective of how a conversation will go. and apply self-forgiveness accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not patiently give others the floor and hear them as I would like to be heard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assert myself when I would like to be heard and rather go on to have internal-conversation alongside a negative experience of frustration that I had not been able to have been heard/understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that frustration onto others by blaming them for not listening to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen to myself and others while my focus is on perfection and superior perspective because of fear of being wrong, so all I'm hearing is that which contributes to being right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to selectively listen for information that confirms what I've already come to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as inferior communicators while I suppress the facts that I am an inferior communicator because that is the fear that I've worked to overcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the belief of myself as an effective communicator by over-emphasizing the memories of when I have reached shared understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice common sense reality in the pursuit of higher knowledge, where I've allowed a thought train to appear so correct that I disregard everything that's not in alignment with that knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct knowledge as "special insight that only I have" instead of simply learning and applying knowledge to situations as needed within common sense and the purest pursuit of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-up on others in reaching shared understanding, from the beginning point of doubting that the other will be able to hear me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of failing to be understood through an effective use of words, and not realize that I am projecting the doubt and fear that others can't hear me and having that lead to me manifesting my fear as not being able to communicate effectively because of fear of failure.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be understood by another, I stop I breathe, and continue to speak from the awareness of my breath. I realize that I am projecting my fear of failure onto my interactions and allowing that energy of failure to direct me. I commit myself to taking back my self-direction and speaking from self-honesty.

I commit myself to speaking from self-honesty. I commit myself to stop speaking strictly from knowledge and information. I commit myself to speak as an equal and stop trying to prove my perspective to be more correct.

I commit myself to purifying my perspective and so in relation to others' perspectives, all is considered, and I am no longer defending and justifying my limited mental existence. I commit myself to respecting others as equals with me.

I commit myself to recognizing when I am allowing moodiness to direct me in conversation, and realigning to reality, here, within the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to stop predicting what others' perspectives are, and allow myself to be patient with others by giving them the space to express themselves fully.

I commit myself to allowing myself the patience to express myself fully.

I commit myself to decoding every branch of expression tied to the base anxiety I allow myself to exist as from time to time, and work toward the point of specifically forgiving the source of anxiety, to be able to ultimately allow myself the freedom and time to actually do the work, instead of getting overwhelmed by it within fear of failure or fear of the image of fear as messing up or not doing/saying something to yield desired results. < nice

I commit myself to stop trying to control conversational outcome within attempting to avoid my created fear-playouts where the result is not in the benefit of my self-interest as being understood and right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a multitude of mental failure playouts from which I guide my expression of myself or don't and turn inwards with an internal backchat conversation outflow.

I commit myself to stop backchat.

I commit myself to establishing clarity for myself and others in relation to any point by slowing down within my breathing application and not allowing fear to keep me from speaking WITH my words IN reality.

I commit myself to listening to myself and others.

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave the reality, here, to go off in thought as reaction to achieve greater insight than what is necessary to be effective because I fear not being effective.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that does not support me in common sense.

I commit myself to ditching the egocentric point of view where all I consider is how I am right and how to prove it to the other. I commit myself to stop separating myself from knowledge and information as placing it as something beyond me and to be proved to or validated by others.

I commit myself to understanding how & why I am not being self-honest when I've forgotten about breathing, so that I may utilize that point as writing substance to further understand myself through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to continue with a slice of my personalized design of fear of future and the related points recognized thus far.

Day 146 - Still Wasting Time

There is a moment in time where I can decide to direct myself or allow my mind to steer me towards enjoyment despite responsibility.

This is what I've been trying to capture, and based on Day 140, I thought I could map out all of what is contributing to my delay pattern, work it through in one solid burst of attention, and be done with it. Yesterday, I realized that I created an external pressure to work this through, and I was no longer doing it for myself. Even though I thought I was, I was suppressing the thought of being driven to perform because of this blog being public and my responsibility to the group to be effective. I had been missing myself in the equation. Now, as I write, I can tell that I'm in my words for me because I'm not mitigating and managing thoughts to appear a particular way. I'm just writing about what I had intended to write:

Why and how am I dodging responsibility in the context of not being utterly self-honest?

So, instead of trying to lay out every point as I did in Day 40 for delay, I'm going to simply move through self-forgiveness on the points that are relevant in this moment. Sometimes a list (like yesterday's fear of loss list) is beneficial just as a reference point FOR SELF. Not so others can keep watch on me and make sure that I've done what I said I would do...this is the externalized fear point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place the importance of my process onto the perception of others and them seeing me as effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been missing the point of self-honesty within my writing direction and thus compromising myself in accordance to my fear of being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to attach fear to being ineffective, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize this design of manifesting my fears and allowing backchat thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not realize the mind as safeguarding itself with backchat pertaining to a specific point, where I have not seen how I have been protecting my habits with the allowance of related, un-flagged thoughts to run as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself in my process of actual self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush toward the future/end, that which I fear, in an attempt to overcome my fear by force, where the typical result is a fall accompanied by self-anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for failing to achieve success when I have not given myself adequate time to investigate myself thoroughly.

From here onwards, I commit myself to persist through resistance and get up after a fall without judging self.

When and as I see myself rushing to complete a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of self-perfection requires that I be patient and steadfast with myself and my application of forgiving the momentous manifestation of who I am today. I commit myself to providing the force of myself as life as all, within the application of myself in this process of decoding my mental accepted patterns that do not support me, here.

I commit myself to flagging self-anger and breathing as I stand up from it and immediately apply forgiveness on the related point that brought on the self-anger. I realize that this might need to be written down and that it will take practice to effectively apply immediate self-forgiveness. I commit myself to practicing immediate self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to persist in recognizing my fears that I have allowed as me, and to no get anger for what I see. Rather, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization of what needs to be done in that moment.

I commit myself to bringing my process back to self.

Thanks all.

Excerpt from here

photo credit to Desteni Artists