Day 251 - Embarrassing to Underperform

Voluntary Embarrassment by Brittanysoup

Today, I had a lot to do, and a lot of time to do it all. It's embarrassing to admit...so I will, for the sake of self-honest investigation! I began the day with a solid work ethic/attitude, and it surprisingly decayed with the opportunity to allow it to.

Why did I allow distraction and mind system take over? Good question. I do not want to see this point. It is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? In my DIP lesson material this month, I took a closer look at embarrassment. At the base of it, embarrassment is really just a fear of change with fear of loss at the root. To phrase it practically: I have this idealized idea of myself, and when it doesn't align with how others see me, I lose that idealized idea of myself because my externalized self-definition (a.k.a. looking glass self) doesn't mach. I construct who I see myself as through the feedback of who I am according to how others perceive me, and yet I also formulate this internal idealized self image.

Now, taking a step back to look at this design: It appears that I am holding myself back from a stabilized work ethic by living with an internal friction, created by the internal idealized self and the external feedback self. This is a point of polarity, and there are a few dimensions within it. It's starting to get messy, so I'm taking this slow and writing out each detail as it becomes clear to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a strong and hard worker in separation of my actual lived work ethic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this internal self-definition of strength as a positive work ethic when I cross reference with reality and what others would see/think of me if they were to know the truth of how I am actually spending my time. In this, I hadn't realized how others can be a point of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide from others the reality of myself as my lived application of myself to delay the onset of facing the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to maintain an internal, positive self-concept with the impression that by doing so, I can avoid the negative feeling of actual, lived underperformance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment and further compromise myself by suppressing the realization of the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive thinking as valuable. In the face of reality, a positive, internal self-concept is an illusion and a deliberate denial of the harsh truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been living in denial so that I could simply maintain an internal feel-good happiness that I was able to manifest most of the time, completely suppressing all the bad shit I didn't want to see/acknowledge/announce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I am completely honest with myself.
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When and as I see myself within an internal friction/conflict of trying to maintain an internal, positive self image, I stop I breathe. I realize that by ending this battle, I can see what is really here. What am I trying to hide from others? Why? I commit myself to breathing and asking myself these questions in preparation for writing self-forgiveness to release the pattern of self-compromise of semi-deliberate ignorance.

When and as I see myself embarrassed, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've created an unstable self-definition that I am afraid to lose. I commit myself to digging deeper into all points of instability within myself while breathing. Without the breathing, I am impossibly lost in polarity, reaction and overwhelmingness to be able to clearly see my dynamic participation in the mind.

When and as I see myself in a state of stubbornly fighting for my positive/idealized, internal self image, I stop I breath. I realize this as a subtle, yet deliberate ignorance of reality. I realize this as avoidance. I realize this pattern for what it is. I commit myself to stop accumulating consequence by choosing to be self-dishonest in a moment of necessary humility.

For now, this is all I am comfortable committing to. I have realized a consequence of writing/speaking when it's not for self, with self, of self. Tomorrow I'l get into sounding self-forgiveness, getting to work, and stabilizing as the living word. Thanks for reading me.

Day 244 - Where has my Attention Gone?

Continuing from yesterday, I am expanding here on how my attention like to wander. I realize that each individual instance of attention wandering may have various, specific points that require my attention, ha. So the basis of all my self-investigation work requires that I be attentive to what takes my attention away.

cc

I have labeled myself as having ADD, but what that actually entails, I have not thoroughly investigated. To define it, once and for all, Attention Deficit Disorder is, in my experience of it, an agility of thought that moves on to the next thought rapidly and frequently. I can pay attention to something for a long time if I need to/want to, but usually I just don't want to. So, ADD for me is kind of a positive mind state seeking. I want to be engaged with the next thought. That's the positive definition that I have utilized to cope with "ADD."

The negative side is how the willingness to not give too much attention to any one thing causes much unfinished business. I tend to have a difficult time with long and tedious work, and usually just let my mind jump around until I must stay focused (i.e. procrastination & delay patterns). When I used to smoke weed, my attention was diverted continuously within a favorable experience, and the primary consequence was a trail of unfinished work/projects/pursuits. I don't blame the flower, but it did positively amplify the experience of my attention frolicking.

So, this point of establishing a stable attention within myself and in reference to my own self-honesty that is here in every single breath is not going to be as simple and straight forward as I would like it to be. What I've liked is the "freedom" of a wandering attention. This is a major key: realizing that this "freedom" is not real freedom. It's more accurately a predictable out flow of lack of self-control over my attention. My willingness to jump around with whatever is impulsed my way is like the ultimate programming, isn't it? I've opened myself up to psychological attacks from the media, namely,sex and money appeal, but even just now the bag of cookies that my brother just put in front of my face (impulse) caused an internal debate that lead to an imagination and mouth watering that took over control and I ate a damn cookie. In this specific case, I realize that I need to investigate several dimension of my sugar eating character.

Bottom line: establishing a consistent self-awareness of myself AS my attention will be a great benefit to my discipline. Enough prelude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the alternative attention outlet such that I build up an internal friction-energy that takes me away from my self-attention. So, a key realization here is that what I am correcting is my relationship to the individual subjects/objects of attention that seem to take me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself go within an energy experience overlay onto whatever is calling for my attention without me considering who I am within that movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with myself as breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my self-attention is who I am, and within this, every time my attention is diverted, I am responsible for that, it was my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and self-awareness when I become distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a series of attention grabs. In this my sense of awareness of self, of my breath, is nonexistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about my breath of life as who I am in every moment when I blindly follow whatever catches my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to whatever distraction that I have deem as interesting. In this process, I am not creating a self-honest agreement in relation to relinquishing my attention from one thing to the next. I am merely within a reactive, predictably programmed mind experience that I had once created within myself from a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define all self-interested pursuits as valuable and worthy of my attention  not realizing that through this program, I am placing control of my attention outside of myself as I passively seek fulfillment of this desire, which is the base program of my automatic attention diversion acceptances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally become distracted because I am experiencing resistance to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be present with my breath, what is here, and what requires to be done.
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When and as I see myself within the friction of an internal debate for my attention, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that if I am with my breath, I may take into consideration a stable perspective and make a real self-directed decision. I commit myself to stop allowing my attention to move with distractions when I become aware of my who I am as my breath. I commit myself to moving from a common sense starting point, and when I am in discord with that, I commit myself to investigate my relationship to whatever had grabbed my attention without permission.

When and as I see myself in a series of attention diversion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I need to start writing down all the distractions, so that I can remember and analyze what I deem is worthy of my attention. I commit myself to the self-honest investigation of all attention grabs.

When and as I see myself deliberately moving into a distraction, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that this is just a well embedded system of conscious diversion. I commit myself to breathing through the resistance that lead me to make a deliberate choice to go into a distraction from whatever I was currently facing.

When and as I see myself in a loss of directive control of my attention, I stop I breathe. I realize I need to investigate the specifics of each particular attention preference that I have coded into my mind. I commit myself to bring myself back to my hereness with my breath, so that I may once again stand up and direct my attention to what is here, what requires to be done to create a world that is best for all.

Thank you.

Day 243 - The Responsibility of Self-Attention

"The solution of attention I present to you is the focused specificity application of yourself as who you are in every moment as every breath. "

While I was walking through my DIP lesson this month, there was a section on attention that I found to be very relevant to what I'm walking through right now. It's so simple and yet so profound.

It's all too often that I allow attention diversions to take me away from my breath, my being here, my presence of and within the moment. Silly distractions even. One my guilty indulgences is this game called Subway Surfers. One of it's main features is that it's "highly addictive." It's also a time sink that I don't really want anyone to know about. Hidden and shameful....nice. SO, I blog about it because it's what has come up.

source

I could go into excuses and justifications why I continually allow myself to play this game, but the key point is that it's one of the major attention diversions in my life. I probably won't even be writing about it if I had somehow decided to open the app while I was watching the Solution of Attention video interview. It was much like a window of opportunity to see myself and finally take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing in this context. There is one other video game app that I like to play, but I'll address that in another post.

Which leads me to a noteworthy side point: selective self-responsibility. Oh, how I react to that concept! Like what the hell am I doing. Okay, breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to become frustrated with myself for what I have been allowing myself to exist as and participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry that I do not act within the common sense of what is best for all.

I compromise myself through repetitive allowance of attention diversion. It's bullshit. It's shameful. And this is where SF come in. Breathe..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for a long time, continue to participate in the video game because I want to have lots of virtual coins. Why? I want the purchasing power, even if it is only within the game. Oh man, there is something else going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be greedy and filled with desire to have lots of (virtual/not real) money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have real satisfaction from unlocking something new. This is a primary additive point for most video games.

Now, why is this (guilty) indulgence something that I must stop? It's who I am within it. I reduced myself to a simplified, zombie state. Motivated by a transient/null reward, I play it every day so I can get the "super mystery box" each time I play. The consequence of letting this play out, unchecked, unmoderated, unfettered, automatically, is an accumulation of lost time, time that I will never get back. And this is vital time. I am walking my process. Don't I want to be as effective as I can be? YES! I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for relinquishing my attention.

I commit myself to to patiently and consistently work myself back to here by investigating these long running patterns of lost time where I have allowed an attention diversion and deliberately not investigate it.

I'll continue tomorrow with more detailed SF on Self-Attention. For now, If you are curious about the video interview I was watching, I am happy to inform you that it's publicly available here: The Solution of Attention

:)

Day 234 - Lucky Life = Free Money?

Related to my hopefulness, I have had this relationship with being lucky. I've basically been so fortunate in this life that I've not only taken it for granted, I've thought myself to special and important because of my apparent luck. Later on this evolved into power, where I believed myself to have the power of Attracting good fortune into my life. This belief had the consequence of a subtle undertone in my primary personality related to money: I didn't have to work hard.

So recap of the delusion: I have been fortunate. This means I'm special. If I am special and lucky, maybe it is my own doing via Law of Attraction (LOA). I am powerful.

Okay, thank goodness I found Desteni before my spiritual ascension endeavors took my ego-delusion to higher levels. This personality related to money is extensive and today's post will just cover the lucky sliver. My first money personality post can be found here.

pic credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am to blame for my relative fortunate living circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can attract wealth without having to work for it and that there would be no consequence for this little (LOA) trick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special and important because of my apparent luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my purpose and destiny from the starting point that I am lucky and therefore more able to be important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in accordance to how much luck I have or am able to cultivate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my past luck as significant to who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will always have enough and can be supported through luckiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as lucky and through that justify my lack of work ethic because working hard had never been required of me to be satisfied. Moderately spoiled was plenty enough to breed ignorance of the world-wide ratio for relative work ethic to basic needs met.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can be successful without putting in a hard work ethic because I am able to perpetuate my luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk with Desteni based on the decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth within luck, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value and worth according to how lucky I have been.
--
When and as I see myself within fortune and reacting positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by placing value into this lucky happenstance, I am supporting my relationship within luck. I commit myself to working hard regardless of lucky breaks.

When and as I see myself wishing/hoping for something and expecting to get it because "I create my own luck," I stop I breathe. I realize that even though I wrote about this yesterday, I still will have a habit to attempt to use these "special powers" to benefit me. I commit myself to stop manifesting luck through energy/mind.

When and as I see myself relying on or assuming good fortune in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that only the physical movement of creation is real, and that by using LOA to manifest an outcome without physical effort, it is temporary, unstable, and I am accumulating consequence. I commit myself to stop assuming a positive outcome, and instead create a positive outcome through practical, physical influence.

When and as I see myself as lucky, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an embedded self-definition that I have programmed into my personality design. I commit myself to realizing who I am as the breath of my physical and ending all mental self-definitions.

When and as I see myself believing myself to be special and/or important, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past experiences with luck have shaped who I think myself to be. I realize this as the delusion of self. I commit myself to exposing all self-definitions that are not strictly life, so that I can see my created personality and forgive myself for thinking that is who I am.

When and as I see myself utter the word LUCK, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can set flag points as words to bring myself back into my breath. I commit myself to checking to see how I have used the word luck to find how I still relate to the word. I commit myself to walking the purification process of the spoken word, word by word. Word? Word.

Check out equalmoney.org to have your voice heard, so your children won't have to be so lucky.

Day 233 - Hope vs. Hard Work

I had been neglectful of doing hard work for reasons unknown to me. The foremost answer that comes to mind when I ask myself why, is that I truly haven't worked very hard for anything. I have been fortunate and privileged for the majority of my life. Now I find myself debate-free with a college degree, and yet I still do not know what it is to work hard. This changes here.

In my Journey to Life, I investigate who I have become through the many influences throughout my life. I realize that I am a product of these influences by choice of what I accepted and allowed within me through the base programs of fear and self-interest. Through fear of failure and preordained fortune, I have found myself quite content with minimal effort or struggle...and now that I am faced with the world's money system, I see that the passive, hopeful route is not going to cut it. And in terms of this self-investigation process, I have been holding myself back through my bare-minimum work ethic. This stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on hope and luck to determine my success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work as hard as was required of me from my external forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for my self-direction within work and accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing uncertainty to dictate who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow of my environment because I was able to live comfortably without asserting my effort, and thus was enabled to hide my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was afraid to assert myself because I was afraid to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my environment to act first so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect what I hoped would come true, to come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past fortune indicates future fortune, and through this design I existed within hope without realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I am hopeful of a fortunate future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work hard only when I was assured of success or fair payoff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the bar low for myself instead of striving to really excel wherever I apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and direct my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my world to present opportunity to me that I would take if I was certain that wouldn't fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear of failure from myself through hope and waiting for fail-safe opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive within my world, accepting the hope as an alternative to hard work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could simple attract (LOA) fortune to me through the design of hope and positive thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work hard.
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When and as I see myself waiting for opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize that I could be waiting my whole life or I could be utilizing my time to make something of myself and of my world and reality. I commit myself to work hard for my rewards in life from now on, meaning: NO MORE LOA,  HOPE, or WAITING.

When and as I see myself passively hoping for that pretty girl to talk to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear of failure/rejection has a solid foundation within me. I commit myself to patiently & persistently picking apart my experience pf failure and rejection within myself, so that I may forgive my allowed passive existence and get on with living!

When and as I see myself immobilized by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize there are many forms and circumstances of which this personality characteristic comes into play. I commit myself to move myself through the resistance generated by this fear and when I do not, to investigate the specifics of that particular event. I commit myself to write about my fear until I understand it and release it. It does not serve me, and I do not need to protect it, so why have I been? I believe in the experience of fear and thus empower it.

When and as I see myself hoping, praying or desiring something without having to work for it, I stop I breathe. I realize myself in the physical and I realize that practical, physical steps are how create my world and reality. I commit myself to using my words and my physical body to make shit happen. No more innocent, wishful, naive, positive thinking in the form of hope. I commit myself to the residual realization of how I can get stuff done with hard work.

When and as I see myself passively waiting for my momentous fortune to carry me through life, I stop I breathe. I realize the illusion that is my mind. I realize that the overlap between mind and reality can be convincing. I realize that disappointment in oneself is certain with a reliance on hope to carry me forward. I commit myself to taking that breath and moving myself within a practical plan to accomplish my goals.

pic credit: deviantart.com

Day 218 - Truth-Seeking Personality Design

I'm meeting a lot of resistance with this point. I wanted to simply open up my relationship to truth, and spent 2 days collecting my approach and ended up posting a prelude yesterday. I'm finding it easy to become overwhelmed with the extent that I have defined myself as a seeker of truth, but this point of overwhelmingness/too much is a mental design I'm quite familiar with at this point.

I will not accept and allow myself to be stopped by this puny little program of resistance any longer. When it does, I stop I breathe. I realize the statement I am making of who I am when faced with and moved by resistance. If you have had enough of this laziness energy steering your life, I recommend you research what is really going on in your head so you are prepared and then able to stand up and say no to this habitually ingrained mental pathway. This EQAFE interview was super supportive on the resistance point as well.

On with it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am not the first/only person to seek Truth and that many religions are in place because of this innate desire to understand what is true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that truth and deception are polar opposites of the same system, and thus are one and equal. This is how religions have been able to deceive with truths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that truth is mystical and somewhere out there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been seeking truths outside of myself because I did not want to face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a beautiful truth that is powerful and superior, so that I could use this truth to become powerful and superior, so that others will be attracted to my truth-saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely ego invested in my search for truth so that others, specifically my skeptic peers, will eventually submit to my superior knowledge of what is true and what is deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not cleared up my starting point within my relationship to Desteni, and have carried on within separation to satisfy my thirst for truth so that I may be right and others wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I had been defining my self-worth through my ability to acquire True truths that are superior, and that within this, my starting point self-definition was inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worthless and inferior if I do not obtain something superior. I thought that superior truth would make me superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the Truth of myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to utilize truth to deceive others that I am superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what actually true exists here in every moment of my breath.
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When and as I see myself in a belief system design of truth, I stop I breathe. I ask myself "who am I within this?" Why do I stand in a relationship to truth? I realize where I have separated myself from truth is often ego-related desire to be right/superior. I commit myself to bringing myself back to my breath to understand the truth of myself for me in that moment.

When and as I see myself in separation of the truth from the starting point of lacking knowledge about who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-truth does not exist outside of myself, that is deception. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself and others with knowledge based truth. I commit myself to understanding self-truth and sharing it when appropriate as when it's supporting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to be special and superior so that other's will follow my and confirm/validate my self-worth, I stop I breathe. I realize that desire for truth is self-dishonest. I commit myself to investigating the truth of self as what is here in each moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself arguing with a jaded skeptic over what is truth, I stop I breathe. I realize that what is best for all in this scenario may be walking away, as the energy of mind has diminished shared ability for mutual understanding. I commit myself to only speaking of the self-truths I have found when others are willing and ready to listen. This will be clearly indicated by others asking questions. And unless, I have walked this point of understanding, I have no business guesstimating answers based on referencing a limited information database within my memory. This is abuse of communication; a severe reduction in the value of the spoken word. Self-dishonest, self-compromise.

When and as I see myself motivated to find truth because I want to prove others wrong, I stop I breathe. I realize that my starting point within separation will distract me from self-honestly investing my self for myself. I commit myself to bringing my starting point and motivation back to self before proceeding with my self-investigation.

I write. I open up my mind for me to see. I move from the starting point of my breath to support myself and others in discovering the truth of self from self's perspective in self-honesty. Consider the truth character officially opened. TBC

photo from deviantart

Day 216 - Namaste = Respect Design

Tomorrow is my last day of my $30 month long trial at a local yoga studio. I have been going for the physical benefits, and have been trying to just simply ignore all "enlightened" spiritualism aspects; however, I found myself in a negative relationship toward this community of people. I've become annoyed, and that reaction is worth a serious investigation (link to be placed here). But for the moment, I would like to walk a point of showing respect for my yoga instructors.

In the world of spiritual identification, we use the word "Namaste" to convey respect. It's a ritual of placing prayer hands at heart center, bowing and saying the word to roughly signify my soul/spirit recognizes, honors and bows to your soul/spirit. So that's all groovy right? No it's not.

Why? The spirit is not who we are. We are the flesh. This a fundamental difference between religion and Desteni. I do not believe I am anything more than what is physically here. Yes, there is energy. Some people can even see the different colors of our auras. The mystical, mysteriousness indicates that it must be real, right? I once thought that these energies were the answer. I mean, they seem so great and powerful. When I started actually hearing the Desteni perspective of oneness and equality, it seemed legit but implied that I must stop my spiritual ascension process. If I was to keep up my identification with my energy body, that would mean that I am supporting separation within self-interest within fear. Contemplate that!

So, I do not respect the energy, the systems that we have become as self-interested robots continually covering up fear. I do not support myself as predictable energetic robot of mind, so why would I support that in you? The only reason I would respect, accept and allow you to be system is if I am wanting to protect  my own consciousness system. I no longer say Namaste. Join me in discovering who we really are as physical beings, as life, or remain enslaved to the apparent glory of energy that just seems too hard to let go of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the system design of respecting others as more than their physical from a starting point of separation and desire for validation of my own self-concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am operating from a point of wanting to be respected in return for respecting another, together validating our existence as "more than" the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than the physical and will conquer all fear by being a positive person, despite the evidence of how effective the yogic community has been in stopping world-wide atrocity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'respect' the good parts of another, not realizing that I am thus wanting to be respected for the good parts of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this perspective does not consider the reality, just the positive part, and in turn, we support the negative by overlooking it within self and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the world through being a positive person, not realizing that in so doing, I support (suppress/ignore) the negative polarity as evil in this world and in self. This is no real solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am giving my power away to the system of mind through respecting another / wanting respect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am being dishonest with myself by showing respect for other mind consciousness systems, and so desiring respect myself. Within this, I am not standing one and equal with others, and for that, I forgive myself. I have found myself within a self-compromising situation of unequal stance. I will go more into this when I get more into my negative relationship formation toward yogis.

--

When and as I see myself respecting another, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am being dishonest with myself in not seeing my starting point in separation of another, trying to maintain a respectable self-image. I commit myself to further investigating these subtle/buried points of self-interest.

When and as I see myself thinking that we are more than the physical reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that the appeal of these energetic perceptions are designed to lure us into consciousness enslavement. I commit myself to stopping the pursuit of higher and more energy as soon as I realize my breathing.

When and as I see myself accepting others as systems through respecting them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a flag point indicating a relationship of self-preservation of self as a system (fear of loss). I commit myself to finding where, and understanding why I accept and allow myself to respect others whilst ignoring or bearing with their aspects/beliefs of which I do not agree. Simply put: what am I trying to protect within myself by hiding aspects of another from my verbal consideration through selective, partial respect?

This yogic relationship will continue to be deconstructed in blogs to come. The system design of 'respect' will also become more clear as I continue to investigate my experiences through writing. Thanks for reading...I respect you as one an equal within the reading/writing of my expression.

*Photo found all over the internet; source unknown

Day 191 - The Power Struggle

Desire for Control --
Powerlessness and fear of loss:

Yesterday, I went through an episode of anger. I found that the anger was related to being out of control. I had no way to control the outcome of this interaction, and reacted with anger. So beneath the anger was a desire to be in control. Why the need to be in control? Fear of loss. Inferiority. Powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am  powerless, inferior and limited.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear & believe that I am inherently inferior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive so that I can be the winner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flee the scene as a sore loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for a win, not considering the other person's happiness or well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to win recklessly without regard for when I hurt others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that competition is a power game based in polarity of the mind, rendering no true win as what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carelessly pursue a self-interested power gain.

--
When and as I see myself yearning for power; I stop I breathe. I realize that I can not win this struggle within the principle of what is best for all. I commit myself to noting every time I struggle for power to find out where I have defined myself as powerless. I commit myself to walking this process of self-investigation and self-forgiveness to clear myself of senseless notions of who I am as less or more than life.

When and as I see myself in fear of being powerless, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not who I am. I realize myself as all. I commit myself to finding the best for all answer in situations where my personal power struggle is activated. I do this from the starting point of my breath.

When and as I see myself competing with another individual, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am life, one and equal as the other individual. I commit myself to stop fighting for a personal win, as the fleeting moment of satisfaction is an energetic polarity of mind and not best for all.

When and as I see that I have won a power struggle, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have missed an opportunity to stop myself in a moment, and also have missed many breaths. I commit myself to investigating why I acted in such a way where I was utterly consumed by my desire for control.

When and as I see myself pursuing an argument to be in a position of control, I stop I breathe. I realize that I want to win. I realize this is of the nature of my preprogramming. This is me as mind. I stop I breathe. I commit myself to the best for all stance, and when I miss this point, investigation time.

Until the solution as what's best for all is clear in every moment, as every breath, I commit myself to continue to walk out of my deluded and inconsiderate mind with the tools of self-forgiveness and writing.

openclipart

Day 190 - Anger Departure

The other day, my mama and I were in the car and entering the arena of political conversation as things started to get heated. We arrived at our destination and the anger system demon reached it's fullest expression in my mother. My reaction was to leave her presence as I had no come back that could be of any value. So as I walked around the super market, the anger festered within me. I didn't really have a clear action plan, but instead of getting dinner with my mom, I decided to buy some of my favorite ginger snap cookies and walk home. When I saw her, I said "I'm just going to walk home. You need to be alone right now." I too needed to be alone.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

Here, my expression of anger was a mix of spite and responsibility. In the moment, I was more trying to teach my mom a lesson / establish control / put myself in harm's way (the cold weather & time lost). I only later realized (when working through my DIP lesson) that walking away can be an appropriate action when the alternative is bouncing the anger-ball back and forth. To wait out the anger and not keep feeding it is suggested. But like I said, I was more lost for words and expressing my anger with this more drastic & dramatic departure. Let's work this out for myself:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when my mom becomes angry and deliberately attacks me for not having a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express my anger with spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my anger into backchat and internal conversation, instead of breathing and addressing what's here practically.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am actually angry with myself, and that I can actually learn why by seeing why I was anger at the other person. In this case, I was angry at her for repeated power-play, as an inconsiderate low-blow, despite any shared understanding we've reached on how I'm choosing to spend my time. When I turn that back to me, I see my struggle for display/confirmation of power over others and not being considerate of them as life/equals. Will address this dimension tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold onto the anger, as I held a grudge for several days after this event by not really speaking or interacting toward her.
--
When and as I see myself holding onto a grudge, I stop, I breathe, I become self-honest with myself. I realize that avoiding communication is not a practical means of conflict resolution. I commit myself to pushing through that barrier/fear/resistance of breaking the ice and speaking about the sensitive issue from the starting point of facilitating what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not had the courage to speak up and facilitate conflict resolution communication as a self-honest expression of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself within a game of 'anger tennis,' I stop I breathe. I realize the anger as energy and not real, so it must come to an end as no energy can last forever. I commit myself to taking the position of the "lesser," the humble and patient state of beingness in interpersonal anger episodes, within this standing within the principle of what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stabilize within best for all, and for allowing my self-interested inclination to flourish and crave to hit the anger-ball back to one-up my opponent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my oneness and equality in moments of anger.

When and as I see myself moving my anger into my mind as internal conversation and backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that this kind of venting is an energetic reaction and participation that feeds my mind consciousness system and supports my nature as an organic robot. I commit myself to stopping the participation of internal conversation within the realization that it does not support me or what's best for all. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself realize that internal conversation does not support me as life in doing what's best for me and all. I see that it primarily only suits my self-interest in imagined outflows of continuing the energetic tennis match so that I may be able to win the fight later.

When and as I see myself angry at another person, expressed or within backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that when a point charges me enough to blame an external source for causing it, I am trying to show myself something. I commit myself to bringing all points back to myself so that I may walk the forgiveness and stand as a living walking example of self-honesty, as life doing what's best for all life, equally.

Figure out where you stand, for you: DIP Lite
Or join us on the forums to investigate your acceptances and allowances :)

Day 188 - Finding My Breath

by Desteni Artists

Last night, I was kind of panicked thinking about how much I have to work out and still discover of my accepted and allowed lifestyle patterns. Overwhelmed and inadequate pretty much sums up my feeling. I realized that I am having an internal battle with myself  in relation to fearing nonacceptance of me by others. This problem is not to be solved within the relationship of others as I have been trying to do my whole life. This problem is solved by turning inwards to see what I have accepted and allowed within my relationship to myself. Where did I create a belief about myself as inadequate and in need of validation from others? This is a big question that I will have to solve in layers over time.

Today, I've been coming back to my breath more often than any of my days prior. There is a strength within it, more of a stability. Something I can trust.

Yesterday, as mush as I hate to admit it, I felt like I've been putting on a show within my self-forgiveness process. I've been so focused on getting it right and getting that approval from others. There have been posts that felt quite sincere as being an expression of myself, but in general, I've not been grounded within my breath. But I started this paragraph within an emotion toward myself, "hate to admit it," and this is anger. In my lesson material from DIP, there is a bit on "all anger as self anger." It rings true, but isn't immediately obvious. That's why I'm investigating!

I realize that I can always come back to the breath to stand up from within my mind. I also realize that all thoughts/feelings related to self-defeatism are of a mental participation and is not real. Only through my acceptance and allowance do these thoughts and feelings take hold.

I commit myself to take myself through process point by point. This feeling being overwhelmed and rushed is not working, so I must change to be effective. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu is
"nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished." I am to be as nature within and as my physical body, within and as each in breath and out breath. One breath, one moment, one point, one process.

Tomorrow I will continue with some specific & honest expressions of self-forgiveness.

Day 178 - Disappointment of oneself

Yesterday, I decided to take a real, close look at how it is that I keep trying to hide from myself. There are plenty of layers here, and I'm not going to allow myself to get overwhelmed by trying to decipher everything all at once. I am breathing as I write this continuation, where the focus is forgiving self for the conflict and frustration toward myself for my moments of weakness. Addiction is a prevalent point here as well, that can wait for tomorrow as I breathe and walk one point at a time :)

photo credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself through not being able to stand strong and direct myself in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that standing up within and for myself in the moment of change is not effectively accomplished through self-anger and the variants of experience including but not limited to disappointment, shame, and regret.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the inclination to become upset with myself for not standing as an absolute example of what's best for all always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by allowing myself to be within the emotional experience of self-anger or disappointment toward myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment, not considering or realizing this as a mind participation moment, stopping, breathing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember to just breathe and direct myself according to what is common sense in that moment, that which is best for me and all equally.
--
When and as I see myself becoming of disappointment, anger, frustration, regret, shame within and toward myself, I stop I breathe. I realize this does not serve me and is of a mind consciousness programming that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy from others while growing up. I commit myself to the simple recognition of this design play out. Within this, I commit myself to leave no stone unturned in my self-investigation process, and with a steadfast, persistent examination of each layer, I do not stop to feel disappointed for my past/present allowances.

When and as I see myself hung up on self-pity and the like, I stop I breathe. I realize this is only worsening my situation by existing within self-judgment instead of self-direction within and of the moment of awareness of my breath. I commit myself to purse the layers within and behind my attempts to hide from myself, until I am clear and effective within self-application in every moment. Patience. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and create another energy that will fade as this is the starting point of disappointment of myself...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so disappointed and ashamed of myself through failing to stop my fingernail biting habit that I've retreated or receded from further investigation through fear of failing again. This is why I must no longer allow the energy of disappointment to dictate my physical action(s).

I commit myself to keep moving within my process and flag pointing everything that gets in my way!

Day 174 - No more New Year's Resolutions

"Don't let change get date raped" - Matti Freeman

New Year's Re-Solution : Recycled Solution...

English: New Year's Resolutions postcard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's easy to forget that we committed to change so long ago (15 whole days!!)

This is a really interesting post for me. When I started this new year, I made 2 reasonable new year's resolutions: Be a more effective planner and, at some point, stop biting my nails. I didn't see the harm in utilizing a year change to motivate myself to change.

I have come to realize how by doing this, I compromise myself within change by pinning it to a particular date/time outside of myself, here.

This is a key.

Basically, if I change within the year's change, I am not only requiring an external definition for self-change, I'm also hindering my ability to change at ANY given moment.

This random free-use picture is nicely illustrating the perspective of someone ineffective, not armed with self-forgiveness, nor the awesome support offered by the Desteni group. Support yourself by investigating to understand real self-change and not end up asking: "What more can a poor man do?"

How about stop pretending to be a poor man and stand up for yourself by living real self-change absolutely!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change myself by depending on an externalized point, such as a new year, instead of realizing myself as the directive principle of self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the start of a new year can help me change, not realizing that only I can help me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the the moment of change exists in each moment of applying that change, not just one moment in the past/future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to change within one breath, every breath, as me standing up inside myself within breath always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-empower myself through the design of hope, in that this year or this time, I will make a change because last time/last year, I wasn't able to.

When and as I see myself placing value within an something external to aid me in changing myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that true self-change happens inside myself and results in an everlasting agreement with myself. I commit myself to continue to acquaint myself with absolute change, where real, internal commitments with self stand eternally.

I commit myself to eternally standing within the principle of oneness and equality such that I will walk process until it is done, and then continue to assist and support all as me in realizing Self.

When and as I see myself inclined to make a new year's resolution with the rest of the people in my environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a moment of separation where I am placing the responsibility of change, at least in part, separate from me by giving it to the new year. I commit myself to investigating why I haven't already made the self-change in question. I commit myself to writing out the pattern of the desired self-change so that I can walk within real self-change absolutely.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can make a change in one moment of one breath that stands absolutely in all moments within every breath, I stop I breathe. Here, I realize my direct responsibility for myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to become. I commit myself to not shy away from my acceptances and allowances, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with what's best for all life, no longer allowing the energy to direct me.

I commit myself to showing others that the process of self-perfection is real & possible. That no solution to our real problems can be due to the change of a calendar date. That we are all individually responsible to stand absolute in self-change made within, as and for self. I commit myself to exemplify this process of self-change for all.

Thanks, you're welcome, and to all a goodnight.

Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF

This is a continuation of yesterday. I opened up / exposed a nice handful of working points yesterday and never really did the self-forgiveness specifically for the point related to the title, which is an anxiousness to get done with process. Instead I just anxiously hopped around, kind of dodging this point. Caught myself. What to do? What to do? Ah ha!

And begin:

I forgive myself for having accepted and and allowed myself to want to rush through and get this process of self-purification over and done with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of anxiety herein as an essential component of my current personality that can be dismantled and replaced with a more effective, stable expression of self in relation to completing work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the energy high of haste, not realizing that, in this, I've created a relationship in my mind toward doing work, where I've become dependent on this energy to complete work effectively. I can't even imagine what productive looks or feels like when I'm not within that mentally stimulated energy of haste...yes I can, looks stable, clean, just working without pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate work with pain, and not realize that I've been using the energy of haste to cope with that negative experience of directing myself to accomplish work/tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to imagine what it looks like to be productive without energy, not realizing that I am creating another relationships of separation from self-expression here. I realize that I may initially use these types of thoughts to identify who I am in relation to different parts of myself. I commit myself to patiently amalgamating all internal relationships, to eventually stand stable in my breath, here. Whatever that looks like is irrelevant. Imagining it is contrary to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a stable relationship with myself within my breathing.

I realize this point of relating to process, needs to be cleared so that I may effectively walk within and as process. This process is a one and equal expression of and with myself. Ah ha. No more judgement. More more haste. No more ego. Where I fail, I see where work is required. I am doing this for me, alone. Breathe. Do not over-spiritualize process. It is a simple self-direction. I am simply discovering how I've created myself in relation to everything that I found pertinent in my life. This takes time. Breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk this process for me, ad me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relation to others, for comparing myself to others, for getting distracted by comparison, for feeling rushed to get here faster...

When and as I see myself in a state of comparison of self and other in relation to walking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must assist and support myself within my process. I commit myself to stabilizing within process for self alone.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see how I've created a relationship with haste out of the relationship toward others and wanting to be superior.

Ok, I have found a large point (many dimensions), and plan to stick to it. See you tomorrow for the third installment of Got to get here quick!

Day 163 - Time Dimension: Nail Biting

Continuing with the theme of planning/time/delay, I would like to further investigate and open up how I am relating with Time. There is a lot going on so, I'm just going to start ranting. Enjoy!

First to mind: Nail biting = delay in so many ways. I have received feedback along the lines that biting nails = halting self-expansion. Personally, I believe my nail biting stems largely from a worry or fear of not enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious at the thought that there isn't enough time to figure/sort it all out and reach the goal or successful completion of anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mindlessly enter into the anxious state of chewing my nails, and disregard the physical reality: my breath and my actual nails/flesh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and receive psychological comfort within biting my nails.

Now, I realize the nail biting as an outlet for the anxiety. What is the source of the anxious orientation to time?  In my DIP lesson material, I am discovering common trigger point of the energy of haste and how it doesn't actually serve me. My whole life, I've utilized that "fire under the ass" to do what NEEDS to be done. Typical design is procrastinate until there is no time left. This way I don't ever have to push myself to do anything. I just relax while confidently assuming my anxious state will take care of things later, haha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within the energy of haste, where I direct the responsibility of completing a task into that very last moment when I can possibly complete it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize this separation and take responsibility for my work within every moment of possibility.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to go off into my mind within haste energy or anxiety, effectively separating myself from my breath where I can most effectively apply myself in completing a task.

When and as I see myself biting my nails while anxious about completing some work, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an energy participation of mind that is self-limiting. I take responsibility for my decision to bite my nails, use it as an indicator for energy participation, and I forgive myself for the specific entry point into that energy. I commit myself to recognizing the break in continuity that exists when my time orientation jumps forward and energy takes hold of my beingness.

When and as I see myself prioritizing 'nail maintenance' when I am attempting to do work, I stop, breathe, and realize that this is a form of delay and general neglect of who I want to be in that moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction within me by placing myself where I do not want to be (i.e. nail biting), and releasing that friction-energy of cognitive dissonance by getting frustrated at myself. I commit myself to simply stop, breathe and no longer separate myself by getting anger at myself. Obviously, self-anger is separation. I am anger towards me. It takes two selves to stand in anger towards a part of me. Stop it. Here, I am one. I chose to bite my nails. I stop biting my nails. Simple.

Tomorrow, I will continue with more detail of the anxious energy that spawns the nail biting outlet. Tonight I continue with self-investigation in my side-journal, and you will see the results through straight up Self-For'gift'ness and corrective application statements. C ya.

Day 154 - Ho Ho Holiday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to get lots of presents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that 'getting lots of presents' is not free and creates a financial burden on my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am only burdening my parents and not seeing how my love & appreciation is being traded for these gifts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I can and should pay for the gifts that I get through simply showing a fleeting moment of emotional gratitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty or in debt for receiving value that I did not earn and did not reciprocate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified only receiving gifts because this this is how it's always been for my whole life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the day of Christmas special in my mind by doing nothing but consume media and taking the day off as an easy day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my oneness and equality in this moment and be motivated to stand as the directive principle of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiritualize Christmas such that I do not realize the harm that is a result of complacently accepting myself to participate in this economic system for the purpose of having better stuff that I do not really need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want stuff I do not need and justify this want with simply just partaking in Jesus' Birthday as instructed by our culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from and blame our culture for the horrific, innocent and ignorant indulgence that Christmas has become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to separate myself from the essence of Christmas by negatively judging it, instead of standing as it and directing my best efforts to creatively align the holiday to support what's best for all.

When and as I see myself simply taking an easy day off from the hardship that life can be, I stop and I breathe, realizing that each moment can be a fresh directive. I commit myself to showing that I do not need to take a break from real life through my accepted participation in holidays.

I commit myself to not spiritualize holidays and remove myself from here to indulge in my programmed, self-interested lifestyle of glamour and free gifts.

I commit myself to the stark realization of what is here, as what is going on in the totality of our planet earth, and stop participating in the small world illusion of consciousness.

I commit myself to showing how ending world hunger is priority over my externally stimulated emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to explain to others that I do not want to be made happy by gifts, and would rather be supported by your investigation of Equal Money System and investment in EQAFE products that support world equality and self-realization.

I commit myself to no longer turning a blind eye or sitting in complacency during the holiday season because I am merely afforded the privileged to do so.

I commit myself to working through my guilt complex that practically serves nothing other then my own limitation by compromising my self-expression, here, as the breath of life that supports all equally.

Investigate becoming the real solution with the Desteni I Process or DIP Lite. Ask questions on the forums and support yourself to realizing oneness and equality that is here as life as all, so that together we can stand as an active, living expression of what's best for all.

Thank you.

Day 151 - Initial Examination of My Relationship to Money

As I sit to work out some initial relationships to money, I move right into being overwhelmed.

Thoughts =

"There is so much I could writing about money."

"My whole life has been shaped by money."

"I can't possibly write a good blog post about my relationship to money. It's too extensive."

I realize that if I don't eventually begin to open this up, then I will continue to suppress the realizations...and after a long pause, I realize that if I stop typing then nothing gets written down, haha. Resistance is a buzz kill. As I take a look at resistance, it's like a doubt in my ability to capture what I was just trying to say, and funny how this doubt immediately creates, where now I'm talking about resistance and not money points. OK. Pushing through the resistance. Here we go. I'm going to stream the first money points to mind:

Pic: open clip art

- Money is how I can have fun, specifically fun with others.

- Money is how I can get to be close to a girl, specifically by spending time/money according to the standards of the dating scene.

- Money makes me more able, like having a nice computer and work space (buying ability)

- Money is how I vote; and I want to have many votes/much influence in the economic system that determines how life is/can be lived.

- Money is being able to go out to eat and not have to do dishes.

- Money is something to be accumulated and transferred into ability when needed or desired in the future. 

So, I've identified some resistance points and several over-arching money orientations that I have formed over the years. Focusing on money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other will not like me if I do not have enough money to go out and have fun experiences with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to afford what is necessary to be able to participate online.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reoccurring bills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women will not be interested in me if I can't/don't spend money on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear spending money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect spending money with being bad, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold money so that I can be good later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate money in fear that I won't have enough to afford future taxes and/or luxuries. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future in relation of not being able to maintain a comfortable lifestyle because of not having enough money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my fear-based decision to save money will protect me from not having enough money to live comfortably.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money so that I can be lazy and live the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money to spend on women so they will like me.

-

I commit myself to stopping participation with money within self-interest in buying experiences with others so that I am perceived as more likable. 

I commit myself to realigning my money orientation so that I am supporting myself and others as effectively as possible.

I commit myself to investigate where and how money is being abused so that I may release the habit through self-forgiveness, and persisting with corrected application.

I commit myself to showing others that I am not abusive with money in spending it on purely self-interested desires.

I commit myself to becoming a living example of how money can be used to be self and other supportive by no longer abusing money for personally selfish reasons.

I commit myself to living responsibly and only taking on reoccurring charges when the situation is thoroughly assessed, and I commit myself to further investigating the point of being in debt.

I commit myself to expounding on this point so I can take a close look at why I have accepted and allowed myself to gamble in the past among other points that are strictly related to a self-interested energy.

I commit myself to not supporting others within their self-interest and my own self-interest by design of me desiring for them to like me or be attracted to me. THIS is manipulation, haha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by others wanting me to spend money on them.

I commit myself to continually assessing how my relationship to money is affecting my world from the starting point of every breath.

Day 145 - Fear of losing ______.

As I'm working through my DIP course material I come across a rather intriguing statement:

     Fear of loss is the origin of our nature.

And I contemplated on it for a bit, which lead to me physically writing down whatever came to mind that I feared losing. And while I've been walking the point of delay, yesterday I noticed a trend of going into the particular delay pattern that I was about to write about. In self-honesty, I see that I was doing this from a starting point of fear of loss. I feared that I would no longer be able to freely and easily waste my time in whatever particular way that I was about to address within my public blog.

The fact is: if I'm not stable within my daily writing application, I must investigate. Reason being that instability is ineffective. The nail biting point was "cleared" through 3 days of writing back on Day 16, and because I had so many layers and so much time contributing to this habit, I fell. I am still a nail biter...and what's worse, I've been suppressing/ignoring/hiding it. Not wanting to face the point again because of fear that I will again fail. And if I fail again, I will continue to lose faith in myself to be able to effectively change myself within the writing of self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I now see, realize, and understand that I am creating all of these fears, and the fears, as me, create.

My priority is to determine when, where and how I am resisting self-honesty. These are excellent launch points for my daily blogging. So, I'll continue working with the delay point as it pops up, but now it's getting more serious. I can't just rush through all the dimensions of my delay tendencies. To be self-honest is not letting anything slide, and so I need to be thorough within my self-forgiveness and corrective application writings. And so that's what I'll do.

I'll be writing specific self-forgiveness in relation to what I've realized today within going into the point that I have decided to write about and "clear" because I want to say 'goodbye' to it, out of fear of losing it within directing myself in self-change. It's a significant point related to self-honesty.

For now, I'll share my initial list of what I fear loosing,

as written:

- Money

- Car

- Life

- Friends

- Family

- Brother

- sex

- ability

- physical integrity

- smarts

- balance

- opportunity *

- coolness

- sanity

- in a game

- superiority

- living stability

- time

- status

- credibility

- cats

- energy

- positivity

- hope

- connection

- fingernail!

Surely there are more. The biggest one is opportunity (hence *), as it leaves me petrified in indecision because I want to keep as many doors open as possible. Note, loss of fingernail as starting point of nail biting habit. Realize this list an opening point to fear of loss construct. See ya tomorrow.

featured photo by a Desteni Artist

Related articles

• Day 102 - Resistance to the Writing Process
• Day 115 - Fearing the breakdown
• Day 128 - Embarrassed by my fears
• Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded

Day 143 - Behavior Perpetuating Behavior

I'm noticing a general energetic pattern. The primary behavior I'm looking at is delay, where I allow delay to move me into more delay. It propagates, begets, brings about more of the same behavior. This running streak is obviously of a mental energy cycle because it doesn't consider everything. It narrows and refines the behavior, but nowhere is there awareness of breath, and common sense can be hidden from self.

I'm also writing this pattern with the energy of biting my nails in mind. Today, I did another number on my nails, which is intertwined with delay because the starting point is often within a thought not relevant to the task at hand...ha, and because the nail biting process occupies my hands, it often directly takes me away from any physical work process like typing. There's some kind of residual, perpetuating qualities of nail biting especially, and I've yet been able to decode it and so have since shied away from writing about it in fear of failure.

Delay has also been scary to tackle because there is this momentum or inertia quality to the behavior in the short term and long term perspective. So, you could say I've defined myself as a procrastinator over the years, and what I want to address thoroughly today is how a single moment of delay can fester and turn into all day delay. The first reason that comes to mind is the allowance. Once, I allow myself to give into the energy as my directive, it's very hard to pull out because "why would I? I already gave into it." Solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive control to the energy of delay and perpetuate the behavior with the thought "I've already done it, might has well do it more."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I've been allowing the continuance of energy infused behaviors because it's easier to stay consistent with my choices / past behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself when the energy cycle ends and I've realized what I've been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the anger is part of the system, where as I allow the outflow of anger in relation to what I've accepted and allowed, I charge my attachment to the habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've been simply choosing the consistent behavior, utilizing it as my stability in not having to face the scary unknowns of directing myself without residual, behavioral energy.

When and as I see myself within the comforts of allowing energy to continually direct me within the same behavior, be it delay, nail biting, or whatever self-compromising behavior it may be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not the directive force when life is easy and I'm not supporting what's best for all. I commit myself to push myself through any and all resistance I have in facing myself within self-honesty. I commit myself to finding each and every point where I have simply allowed a self-compromising behavior to ensue because it is consistent with past behavior (immediate or long term).

I commit myself to stopping the perpetual behavior cycles from within them, not judging myself and missing the point of responsibility to self to stand up from within the behavior cycle and direct self into a more supportive use of time.

I commit myself to showing others that I can produce real change within me through writing about my systems, releasing them, and standing true to self within these commitment statements.

Related articles

• Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded
• Day 142 - '"I got time to delay"

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