Day 415 - Hearing or Watching Myself

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear listening to my own voice, to cross reference what I’m saying before sharing it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on Garbrielle to vet my expression for me, and to have created our relationship to be this way in my mind – never letting her really know and understand that I want this of her because I’m embarrassed about this dependency relationship point because I know better and because Garb’s really independent and I don’t want to be seen as less than her – which I now see is one critical dimension of why I haven’t allowed myself to support and be supported in this relationship because I’m competing with her/others to validate myself, my standing in the world, in process, and in relation to my peers/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am invalid, unworthy, “a zero”, an outsider, and someone who doesn’t have a voice, input, or impact in the direction of the world or my life circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impotent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression when I go out on a limb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear energy to determine whether or not I go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide myself behind my hands via fingernail biting because I am afraid that if others get a good look at me AND decide I’m unworthy of their acceptance, then I have lost big time; and that by hiding behind my hands as an underlying objective within nail biting is a deliberate self-sabotage point so that I cannot be truly judged as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving it my all because I fear being judged for who I truly am.

I commit myself to listen to reread my writings, listen to my voice recordings, and watch my videos.

Then, I commit myself to investigating any reactions, clearing them with SF aloud, and if anything still remains, I'll consider what practical edits would help me express the nature of what I am trying to say.

I commit myself to publishing myself much more frequently.

I commit myself to sharing myself with others, no matter how much ego-based resistance I generate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance to sharing myself within and through my participation in egocentric comparison judgments.

I commit myself to just getting myself and my process out there. No fear.

I commit myself to understand that I amplify my efforts in process by sharing myself! Exciting times ahead readers!

Thanks.

Day 357 - The Decision to Decide

A very cool point to consider is who we are when making decisions. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: "Where am I in this decision process?" Whatever language you use to see yourself in the moment of making a decision, the important part is to really consider all the motivating factors. Writing can help to slow things down and open up the space for more clarity in this process. When I don't write out my internal process for making an important decision, I notice I am more susceptible to just go with whatever I feel in that moment without considering all the relevant points.

It's those darn feelings that just come up. They're not typically based in common sense, and it's even less likely that we would realize this simply because we don't consider the common sense when we're just quickly going by our gut feelings. We make many, many, many decisions all day, every day. It would make sense to automate the decision process because then our cognition would be less tasked, and that's what we do. The framework for how we have automated our many daily choices is based on the many memories we have stored where our decisions have resulted in a scenario that is has some positive value for self.

Really consider that for a moment. We've spent our whole lives programming our minds to make decisions for us, based in self-interest as what produces the most favorable outcome for me. Maybe we will occasionally consider a few others in an immediate environment, or perhaps even the world, but if we are self-honest about why we are making that decision, we will commonly find a thread that connects our self-interest within that decision. An example, vacuuming the common area so my roommates will like me/not hate me. This action is even benevolently aligned, but my starting point within it was based in self-interested backchat, a subtle form of manipulation even.

So now imagine having to deconstruct this decision framework and rebuild it with intention. The self-interested decision framework that we've been building for our whole lives, happened pretty much automatically, and why question it? Automated as it may seem, I can remember moments where I created, accepted and allowed a new decision parameter because I benefited from it...NOT because I considered all things and chose what is BEST. My benefit could be as simple as feeling good after eating a whole bag of candy or wasting the whole day playing an exciting video game.

HERE

I must realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make.
I must practice and develop my awareness of who I am while making decisions.
I must answer to every question I ask myself with a thorough consideration of all relevant points.

Draw out a map of consequences if that's what it takes. If I delay my writing my blog until the night, I may end up not doing a blog at all because other things will come up, even excuses like "oh, I just don't feel up to writing right now."

My core point of this is to move self through making decisions. If I'm indecisive, sit down and write. Taking the time to consider what is best for all before making a physically lived decision, is the key here. If I don't decide to decide, I could let life slip right by me while my automated decision frameworks controls every aspect of my (regretful) existence. This relationship to decision making needs to be clear and direct. I will no longer stand by and watch my life play out according to some outdated mind program I created back when. This is a new moment, a new breath, and I commit myself to decide who I am within my decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on how I am best able to get a positive reaction from others so that I will be liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked through the external validation of how others respond to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to how others respond to me, never realizing that I am the one that is actually deciding who I am within each and every decision that I make. For example, I decide to allow my roommates to determine if I'm socially accepted. Through this, I take responsibility for this point of allowing others to tell me who I am, and I correct my self-definition through the process of determining for myself, what I accept and allow myself as.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand who I am within making decisions, and within that, not seeing all the relevant criteria that I should really consider when making any particular decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow and not question my decision process from a self-aware perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the results of my decisions because I didn't want to see my responsibility within that circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear making a decision...

...And this can be opened up quite a lot. To be continued.

photo credit

Day 216 - Namaste = Respect Design

Tomorrow is my last day of my $30 month long trial at a local yoga studio. I have been going for the physical benefits, and have been trying to just simply ignore all "enlightened" spiritualism aspects; however, I found myself in a negative relationship toward this community of people. I've become annoyed, and that reaction is worth a serious investigation (link to be placed here). But for the moment, I would like to walk a point of showing respect for my yoga instructors.

In the world of spiritual identification, we use the word "Namaste" to convey respect. It's a ritual of placing prayer hands at heart center, bowing and saying the word to roughly signify my soul/spirit recognizes, honors and bows to your soul/spirit. So that's all groovy right? No it's not.

Why? The spirit is not who we are. We are the flesh. This a fundamental difference between religion and Desteni. I do not believe I am anything more than what is physically here. Yes, there is energy. Some people can even see the different colors of our auras. The mystical, mysteriousness indicates that it must be real, right? I once thought that these energies were the answer. I mean, they seem so great and powerful. When I started actually hearing the Desteni perspective of oneness and equality, it seemed legit but implied that I must stop my spiritual ascension process. If I was to keep up my identification with my energy body, that would mean that I am supporting separation within self-interest within fear. Contemplate that!

So, I do not respect the energy, the systems that we have become as self-interested robots continually covering up fear. I do not support myself as predictable energetic robot of mind, so why would I support that in you? The only reason I would respect, accept and allow you to be system is if I am wanting to protect  my own consciousness system. I no longer say Namaste. Join me in discovering who we really are as physical beings, as life, or remain enslaved to the apparent glory of energy that just seems too hard to let go of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the system design of respecting others as more than their physical from a starting point of separation and desire for validation of my own self-concept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am operating from a point of wanting to be respected in return for respecting another, together validating our existence as "more than" the physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than the physical and will conquer all fear by being a positive person, despite the evidence of how effective the yogic community has been in stopping world-wide atrocity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'respect' the good parts of another, not realizing that I am thus wanting to be respected for the good parts of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this perspective does not consider the reality, just the positive part, and in turn, we support the negative by overlooking it within self and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change the world through being a positive person, not realizing that in so doing, I support (suppress/ignore) the negative polarity as evil in this world and in self. This is no real solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am giving my power away to the system of mind through respecting another / wanting respect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am being dishonest with myself by showing respect for other mind consciousness systems, and so desiring respect myself. Within this, I am not standing one and equal with others, and for that, I forgive myself. I have found myself within a self-compromising situation of unequal stance. I will go more into this when I get more into my negative relationship formation toward yogis.

--

When and as I see myself respecting another, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am being dishonest with myself in not seeing my starting point in separation of another, trying to maintain a respectable self-image. I commit myself to further investigating these subtle/buried points of self-interest.

When and as I see myself thinking that we are more than the physical reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that the appeal of these energetic perceptions are designed to lure us into consciousness enslavement. I commit myself to stopping the pursuit of higher and more energy as soon as I realize my breathing.

When and as I see myself accepting others as systems through respecting them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a flag point indicating a relationship of self-preservation of self as a system (fear of loss). I commit myself to finding where, and understanding why I accept and allow myself to respect others whilst ignoring or bearing with their aspects/beliefs of which I do not agree. Simply put: what am I trying to protect within myself by hiding aspects of another from my verbal consideration through selective, partial respect?

This yogic relationship will continue to be deconstructed in blogs to come. The system design of 'respect' will also become more clear as I continue to investigate my experiences through writing. Thanks for reading...I respect you as one an equal within the reading/writing of my expression.

*Photo found all over the internet; source unknown

Day 186 - Happy Be-Earth Day

Today is my birthday.

So what?

- People give me attention. I like it. Facebook has amplified this effect by making it easier for others to contact me.
- Family wants to treat me specially.
- I feel like it is a significant day more for introspective reasons and life assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/like when others give me attention because it validates my existence in a way. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the external attention I receive, where more attention = I am more. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am more than life, in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my family will give me special treatment on my birthday. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to power trip and take advantage of the high/special position that I am placed in to dictate how things should go today, not realizing that this is an energetic resonance that I have long sought throughout my life: control. How have I missed my control freak character?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make one day, or even one moment more special than any other moment, where in this I accept and allow the mind to amplify and augment reality as I go off into it as a departure from reality here. - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat every day as special and significant to reflect on who I am / who I've become, so that I can direct myself to be productive and effective within every able moment.
--
When and as I see myself or a particular moment as more special than someone or some other time, I stop I breathe. I realize that my mind creates this feeling and through my participation within it, I create consequence within polarity. I commit myself to walk out of my favorite personalities/characters where I generate a conception of my self-worth in relation / comparison toward others. I commit myself to this equalization process until all is free.

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