Day 415 - Hearing or Watching Myself

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear listening to my own voice, to cross reference what I’m saying before sharing it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on Garbrielle to vet my expression for me, and to have created our relationship to be this way in my mind – never letting her really know and understand that I want this of her because I’m embarrassed about this dependency relationship point because I know better and because Garb’s really independent and I don’t want to be seen as less than her – which I now see is one critical dimension of why I haven’t allowed myself to support and be supported in this relationship because I’m competing with her/others to validate myself, my standing in the world, in process, and in relation to my peers/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am invalid, unworthy, “a zero”, an outsider, and someone who doesn’t have a voice, input, or impact in the direction of the world or my life circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impotent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression when I go out on a limb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear energy to determine whether or not I go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide myself behind my hands via fingernail biting because I am afraid that if others get a good look at me AND decide I’m unworthy of their acceptance, then I have lost big time; and that by hiding behind my hands as an underlying objective within nail biting is a deliberate self-sabotage point so that I cannot be truly judged as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving it my all because I fear being judged for who I truly am.

I commit myself to listen to reread my writings, listen to my voice recordings, and watch my videos.

Then, I commit myself to investigating any reactions, clearing them with SF aloud, and if anything still remains, I'll consider what practical edits would help me express the nature of what I am trying to say.

I commit myself to publishing myself much more frequently.

I commit myself to sharing myself with others, no matter how much ego-based resistance I generate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance to sharing myself within and through my participation in egocentric comparison judgments.

I commit myself to just getting myself and my process out there. No fear.

I commit myself to understand that I amplify my efforts in process by sharing myself! Exciting times ahead readers!

Thanks.

Day 390 - Responsible Self Creation

A fascinating point opened up for me this week. In short, I've been walking process in separation of it. What does this mean? I've defined this Journey to Life / Desteni I Process as a thing that sits on the shelf, and so when I was walking down the aisle and saw it, I threw it in my shopping cart. Desteni became for me just another 'thing' that I could have a relationship with and so define myself by it. When you investigate the process that Desteni outlines, you will find that it is impossible to passively consume the information and call yourself a Destonian. It is very much a participatory process.

Now, on one hand, I could say that seeing, realizing and understanding this point was also just part of the process, and that would be true; however, on the other hand, this point is essential to walk my process effectively. So let's just say that it is a critical stepping stone. Let me elaborate a bit more.

The corrective application for this point is what is so fascinating about it. It is as follows: Self is referenced first, then the external is referenced. I know, right? Awesome. Before, when I was walking process in separation of it, what I was doing missing Self in the equation of living. Don't get me wrong: I had an ego/self-concept that was constantly considered, judged, protected, etc. But Self, here, was in the background while my consciousness called all the shots. So, now I'm practicing including Self in the equation, and one specific experience of how I do so is best described as a shift forward within myself.

Example: Slouched over, at my desk, reading this blog post. I notice myself. I ask, "where am I [within my body]?" I sit up straight. I take a breath. And then it's like I, within myself, move closer to my eyes. My peripheral vision is slightly more in awareness as is my body. From here, I can consider my reality more expansively than a moment ago. And this is just the beginning of responsible self creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is hard to be here, aware of myself within physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire escaping into my mind to avoid my responsibilities and furthermore hide what I am doing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an easy, automated way of transcending the mind, which is also accurately phrased as 'escaping the mind', wherein I now realize that this misconceptualization only feeds the mind and that I (Self) actually have to participate in process if this is going to get done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put forth the necessary effort to push through the resistances and fears that have long held me within my base set of personalities, and so perceptions, thus vastly limiting my potential to the point where it makes me sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization of who and how I have been living as, with an unease of self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within self-judgment, instead of moving forward in the realization that I now see the point, and I now commit myself to taking full responsibility for the point, and I commit to changing myself through living the corrective application.

When and as I see myself slumped over with my beingness shifted into the background, and/or I am reactive to my environment, not really considering everything INCLUDING SELF, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am here. I see where I am at within my daily responsibilities. I write. I create a game plan. I move myself.

This is my chance to responsibility create myself and reach my highest potential.

This is your chance too.

Just gotta walk the process ;)

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

photo credit

Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Yesterday, I ended pt.2 of this series with a commitment to begin making an application of breath a new habit when faced with resistance, and desirable distraction. What I haven't really taken into account is all of the step I need to take to establish this habit.

This is the basis of which I will achieve my success. With a plan. With diligence. With commitment to who I am in relation to work. As barriers come up, I work through them. No more wallowing in failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I fail. I commit myself to perceiving failure as opportunity for growth, and no longer allowing a spiral of negativity. In my past, I have been so good at suppressing the self-defeated, inadequacy, "I can't do it" character that I wouldn't even acknowledge it. Rather, I'd simply move into a distraction or diversion that would allow me to maintain an inner positivity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my own inner feeling in a single moment rather than considering how I would self-honestly feel about a situation while taking into everything into consideration. To procrastinate requires this dynamic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily ignore the inevitable consequence of delaying work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how much more proficient I could be if I didn't delay even one task. Delaying one task, delays all tasks. Unless I agree with myself that the delay is warranted through having task 2 take priority over task 1, I need to stay focused on achievement. That yields success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay achievement, not realizing the consequence of delaying my success. If this continues until I die, I will have failed.

So what I'm seeing now, is that delay leads to failure and could be considered one and the same. I commit myself to not become discouraged and spiral into delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how delay is a fail, especially when I don't get up and give my whole moment/hour/day away to a feeling-guided storm of 'unproductivity'.  I commit myself to stop this when and as I see myself in this behavior.

Before the behavior comes thoughts. I commit myself to flag point which thoughts occur when I move into delay so that I will be best able to walk my process effectively in dismantling those specific thoughts so my directive power lies within my breath. From here, I move effectively.

I commit myself to continue to with this point until I am a living, breathing example of self-direction in every moment. Enjoy.

Picture credit

Day 263 - The Achievement Collector

This is an interesting perspective I've narrowed down within me.  A personality design, a character that comes out in many of life's scenarios. It's so deeply rooted that I can't remember for how long I've been this way, so it might take awhile before I can effectively address the entire system. I breathe, I walk.

The achievement collector is how I'm going to label this personality/drive that I've discovered. This is what it is to me:

• a way to become better & more powerful, to ultimately "save the world"/become famous
• climbing the ladder seemed like the best option for myself
• validation in and of my externalized self-definition
• do hard work now -> achievement; then take it easy and just ride the achievement
• as capital: achievement viewed as inherently valuable
• Competition, rush to gain as much achievement as I can to be safe & secure
• competing with the "general other"

OK, so with these above points, I can see how my starting point within achievement is skewed  and tainted by self-interest. Achievement has nothing inherently wrong in it. I'm not trying to stop achieving things. I'm investigating my motivations to achieve, and gather accomplishments like a commodity that increases my self-worth. That's not cool. My self-worth is defined as the life that I am, not the ego/externalized self-definition/others' judgments of me. I must realign who I am within seeking achievement to fulfill my potential and not succumb to creating myself through how I believe others want me to be or expect me to be.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in separation of myself, such that I would define myself according to my accomplishments that were valid in the eyes of others as if that was all that really mattered. This is the primary reason and starting point for going to college and I ended p cheating myself out of getting the most I could have, had I been there for me and not for society's sake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue achievement in relation to others. This point of comparison as means to validate my value has been seriously detrimental to myself and others within how I would orient myself in relationships, needing to be superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'achievement' as being superior than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a value on achievement from an external perspective, where I would be able to eventually stop working when I accumulate enough achievement. This is like capitalism, work hard, have success, and retire on the work of yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape working hard by only working hard on things that I perceive will yield a residual benefit so I won't have to work hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard, and not realize that this desire plays out, and that there is no escape from my internal reality. I commit myself to seeing all of who I am within, so that I may own it, and change myself as who I really am into an expression of life, not ego/mind.

I commit myself to exposing to myself the entirety of my personality constructs that I have built to serve my ego/externalized self-definitions.

When and as I see myself working toward an achievement so that others will positively define me, I stop I breathe. I bring myself back to myself and see how I am motivated to accomplish whatever it is within the context of myself and what is best for all. If I was only motivated by how I think others will judge me, I realize this is a fear-based starting point. I commit myself to check my starting point within my motivation toward accomplishment to see if I am acting within a root of fear or have I really considered the implications/effects of a particular achievement.

When and as I see that I have not considered who I am within the starting point of obtaining achievement, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past behavior has momentum, it's my personality. I commit myself to breathe and create myself within an alignment of what is best for all when working toward achieving something.

When and as I see myself acting to become better than, more than, or superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize that achievement based in comparison and competition is not what is best for all, rather what is best for my self-image as who I am as an ego in separation of others. I commit myself to identifying where I am still attached to this idealized self-image that is my ego within my imagination based on how I think others perceive me. Through identifying my 'vices' related to desire for superiority, I commit myself to patiently walking self-forgiveness and corrective application until I no longer am drive to succeed by treading on others.

When and as I see that I have been working hard at something so that I can eventually stop working hard, I stop I breathe. I realize that this particular form of achievement desire is actually holding me back as my starting point is to 'not have to work hard.' I commit myself to hard work, for the rest of my life.

No shortcuts.

No easy living... 

Not until all may live easy.

Investigate equal money system where basic human rights are guaranteed to all, and LIFE is honored.

Day 220 - Decoding Ego-Battle Tendency

Continuing from yesterday, I posted a once private entry from my first process journal. To sum it up: I have been belittling my brother and then everyone around me to varying degrees so that I could build up my own sense of worth/value. It's an ego thing, and regardless of trying to justifying it as "okay because nearly everyone does it," I am choosing to stand up and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Putting others down so I can feel up is not responsible living. Peace out ego of mine!

Layout (written in side journal):

• Desire to be better/more/superior
• Fear of being out of control
• Fear of inferior state being called out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I desire to be better/more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control over my external world and interactions whenever possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being out of control in this context of being able to manage social outcomes.
In this, realizing that I have not ever been in control of myself...ahh, which makes sense that by attempting to assert control, the physical play out of that attempt was my focal point of establishing control within my world and reality. Nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been heavily placing my self-definition in the hands of the external.
This is all I've ever known. I have never trusted myself within myself. Always looking to others/external to find who I am. How did that start? Distrust of self...next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine who I am from only the context of my external relationships. Who I am is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I am is here within every breath, not needing validation or definition from any externalized, reflected source.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my reaction to other's reactions of me. And in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape/mold myself to manipulate my self-image in an attempt to invoke positive feedback from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up my positive self-concept through a comparison construct, where I have purposely berated others into the lesser position to confirm/validate my higher authority.
Why did I do this? Inferiority complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others exposing my inner monologue of self-worthlessness.
Interesting how the fear and self-doubt is primary...then, naturally, I try to assert the opposite to override the internal fear. This self-interested program has no care for how others feel about themselves. 'Best for all' was no where to be contemplated. Thanks for the assistance Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or care how I affect others and their relationship to themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of my world.
This is the crux.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be out of control within myself.
Process begins.
--
When and as I see myself out of control within myself, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that by allowing this inner state of confusion to continue, I seek a solution outside of myself. I commit myself to empowering myself to change myself by taking responsibility of my inner experience and guiding myself through the process of writing, slowing down, stopping, and correcting self.

When and as I see myself desiring my external to act/be a certain, particular way, I stop I breathe. I realize that the desire to be in control indicates a past allowance point where I have felt out of control and attempted to regain control through my external. I commit myself to investigating why I wanted someone or something to act under my will.

..Just investigated a little. Power design. Desire for power, indicates a self-perception of powerlessness. Power is for control. Without control = potential failure & potential loss. Therefore, desire for power = fear of failure / loss. So, I commit myself to asking myself in moments of wanting control/power, "What do I fear?" I commit myself to following through with writing out my experience and realizations into self.

Bite by bite, layer by layer. I reveal myself  to myself in the physical, and through seeing who I have become, I make the choice to stop and correct myself. Patience in necessary. I've built one heck of a piece of work as the multidimensional personality constructs that predictably react to my environment. Fear is here, and until it is clear, I got work to do.

Thanks. I'll continue soon with an investigation of my inferiority complex and diminished self-trust.

If your curious about what Desteni is, I highly recommend this vehicle for self-realization.

photo credit

Day 218 - Truth-Seeking Personality Design

I'm meeting a lot of resistance with this point. I wanted to simply open up my relationship to truth, and spent 2 days collecting my approach and ended up posting a prelude yesterday. I'm finding it easy to become overwhelmed with the extent that I have defined myself as a seeker of truth, but this point of overwhelmingness/too much is a mental design I'm quite familiar with at this point.

I will not accept and allow myself to be stopped by this puny little program of resistance any longer. When it does, I stop I breathe. I realize the statement I am making of who I am when faced with and moved by resistance. If you have had enough of this laziness energy steering your life, I recommend you research what is really going on in your head so you are prepared and then able to stand up and say no to this habitually ingrained mental pathway. This EQAFE interview was super supportive on the resistance point as well.

On with it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am not the first/only person to seek Truth and that many religions are in place because of this innate desire to understand what is true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that truth and deception are polar opposites of the same system, and thus are one and equal. This is how religions have been able to deceive with truths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that truth is mystical and somewhere out there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been seeking truths outside of myself because I did not want to face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a beautiful truth that is powerful and superior, so that I could use this truth to become powerful and superior, so that others will be attracted to my truth-saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely ego invested in my search for truth so that others, specifically my skeptic peers, will eventually submit to my superior knowledge of what is true and what is deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not cleared up my starting point within my relationship to Desteni, and have carried on within separation to satisfy my thirst for truth so that I may be right and others wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I had been defining my self-worth through my ability to acquire True truths that are superior, and that within this, my starting point self-definition was inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worthless and inferior if I do not obtain something superior. I thought that superior truth would make me superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the Truth of myself in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to utilize truth to deceive others that I am superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what actually true exists here in every moment of my breath.
--
When and as I see myself in a belief system design of truth, I stop I breathe. I ask myself "who am I within this?" Why do I stand in a relationship to truth? I realize where I have separated myself from truth is often ego-related desire to be right/superior. I commit myself to bringing myself back to my breath to understand the truth of myself for me in that moment.

When and as I see myself in separation of the truth from the starting point of lacking knowledge about who I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that self-truth does not exist outside of myself, that is deception. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself and others with knowledge based truth. I commit myself to understanding self-truth and sharing it when appropriate as when it's supporting what is best for all.

When and as I see myself desiring to be special and superior so that other's will follow my and confirm/validate my self-worth, I stop I breathe. I realize that desire for truth is self-dishonest. I commit myself to investigating the truth of self as what is here in each moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself arguing with a jaded skeptic over what is truth, I stop I breathe. I realize that what is best for all in this scenario may be walking away, as the energy of mind has diminished shared ability for mutual understanding. I commit myself to only speaking of the self-truths I have found when others are willing and ready to listen. This will be clearly indicated by others asking questions. And unless, I have walked this point of understanding, I have no business guesstimating answers based on referencing a limited information database within my memory. This is abuse of communication; a severe reduction in the value of the spoken word. Self-dishonest, self-compromise.

When and as I see myself motivated to find truth because I want to prove others wrong, I stop I breathe. I realize that my starting point within separation will distract me from self-honestly investing my self for myself. I commit myself to bringing my starting point and motivation back to self before proceeding with my self-investigation.

I write. I open up my mind for me to see. I move from the starting point of my breath to support myself and others in discovering the truth of self from self's perspective in self-honesty. Consider the truth character officially opened. TBC

photo from deviantart

Day 191 - The Power Struggle

Desire for Control --
Powerlessness and fear of loss:

Yesterday, I went through an episode of anger. I found that the anger was related to being out of control. I had no way to control the outcome of this interaction, and reacted with anger. So beneath the anger was a desire to be in control. Why the need to be in control? Fear of loss. Inferiority. Powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am  powerless, inferior and limited.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear & believe that I am inherently inferior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive so that I can be the winner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flee the scene as a sore loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work for a win, not considering the other person's happiness or well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to win recklessly without regard for when I hurt others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that competition is a power game based in polarity of the mind, rendering no true win as what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carelessly pursue a self-interested power gain.

--
When and as I see myself yearning for power; I stop I breathe. I realize that I can not win this struggle within the principle of what is best for all. I commit myself to noting every time I struggle for power to find out where I have defined myself as powerless. I commit myself to walking this process of self-investigation and self-forgiveness to clear myself of senseless notions of who I am as less or more than life.

When and as I see myself in fear of being powerless, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not who I am. I realize myself as all. I commit myself to finding the best for all answer in situations where my personal power struggle is activated. I do this from the starting point of my breath.

When and as I see myself competing with another individual, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am life, one and equal as the other individual. I commit myself to stop fighting for a personal win, as the fleeting moment of satisfaction is an energetic polarity of mind and not best for all.

When and as I see that I have won a power struggle, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have missed an opportunity to stop myself in a moment, and also have missed many breaths. I commit myself to investigating why I acted in such a way where I was utterly consumed by my desire for control.

When and as I see myself pursuing an argument to be in a position of control, I stop I breathe. I realize that I want to win. I realize this is of the nature of my preprogramming. This is me as mind. I stop I breathe. I commit myself to the best for all stance, and when I miss this point, investigation time.

Until the solution as what's best for all is clear in every moment, as every breath, I commit myself to continue to walk out of my deluded and inconsiderate mind with the tools of self-forgiveness and writing.

openclipart

Day 190 - Anger Departure

The other day, my mama and I were in the car and entering the arena of political conversation as things started to get heated. We arrived at our destination and the anger system demon reached it's fullest expression in my mother. My reaction was to leave her presence as I had no come back that could be of any value. So as I walked around the super market, the anger festered within me. I didn't really have a clear action plan, but instead of getting dinner with my mom, I decided to buy some of my favorite ginger snap cookies and walk home. When I saw her, I said "I'm just going to walk home. You need to be alone right now." I too needed to be alone.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

Here, my expression of anger was a mix of spite and responsibility. In the moment, I was more trying to teach my mom a lesson / establish control / put myself in harm's way (the cold weather & time lost). I only later realized (when working through my DIP lesson) that walking away can be an appropriate action when the alternative is bouncing the anger-ball back and forth. To wait out the anger and not keep feeding it is suggested. But like I said, I was more lost for words and expressing my anger with this more drastic & dramatic departure. Let's work this out for myself:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when my mom becomes angry and deliberately attacks me for not having a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express my anger with spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move my anger into backchat and internal conversation, instead of breathing and addressing what's here practically.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am actually angry with myself, and that I can actually learn why by seeing why I was anger at the other person. In this case, I was angry at her for repeated power-play, as an inconsiderate low-blow, despite any shared understanding we've reached on how I'm choosing to spend my time. When I turn that back to me, I see my struggle for display/confirmation of power over others and not being considerate of them as life/equals. Will address this dimension tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hold onto the anger, as I held a grudge for several days after this event by not really speaking or interacting toward her.
--
When and as I see myself holding onto a grudge, I stop, I breathe, I become self-honest with myself. I realize that avoiding communication is not a practical means of conflict resolution. I commit myself to pushing through that barrier/fear/resistance of breaking the ice and speaking about the sensitive issue from the starting point of facilitating what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not had the courage to speak up and facilitate conflict resolution communication as a self-honest expression of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself within a game of 'anger tennis,' I stop I breathe. I realize the anger as energy and not real, so it must come to an end as no energy can last forever. I commit myself to taking the position of the "lesser," the humble and patient state of beingness in interpersonal anger episodes, within this standing within the principle of what's best for all. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stabilize within best for all, and for allowing my self-interested inclination to flourish and crave to hit the anger-ball back to one-up my opponent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my oneness and equality in moments of anger.

When and as I see myself moving my anger into my mind as internal conversation and backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that this kind of venting is an energetic reaction and participation that feeds my mind consciousness system and supports my nature as an organic robot. I commit myself to stopping the participation of internal conversation within the realization that it does not support me or what's best for all. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself realize that internal conversation does not support me as life in doing what's best for me and all. I see that it primarily only suits my self-interest in imagined outflows of continuing the energetic tennis match so that I may be able to win the fight later.

When and as I see myself angry at another person, expressed or within backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that when a point charges me enough to blame an external source for causing it, I am trying to show myself something. I commit myself to bringing all points back to myself so that I may walk the forgiveness and stand as a living walking example of self-honesty, as life doing what's best for all life, equally.

Figure out where you stand, for you: DIP Lite
Or join us on the forums to investigate your acceptances and allowances :)

Day 186 - Happy Be-Earth Day

Today is my birthday.

So what?

- People give me attention. I like it. Facebook has amplified this effect by making it easier for others to contact me.
- Family wants to treat me specially.
- I feel like it is a significant day more for introspective reasons and life assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/like when others give me attention because it validates my existence in a way. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the external attention I receive, where more attention = I am more. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am more than life, in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my family will give me special treatment on my birthday. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to power trip and take advantage of the high/special position that I am placed in to dictate how things should go today, not realizing that this is an energetic resonance that I have long sought throughout my life: control. How have I missed my control freak character?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make one day, or even one moment more special than any other moment, where in this I accept and allow the mind to amplify and augment reality as I go off into it as a departure from reality here. - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat every day as special and significant to reflect on who I am / who I've become, so that I can direct myself to be productive and effective within every able moment.
--
When and as I see myself or a particular moment as more special than someone or some other time, I stop I breathe. I realize that my mind creates this feeling and through my participation within it, I create consequence within polarity. I commit myself to walk out of my favorite personalities/characters where I generate a conception of my self-worth in relation / comparison toward others. I commit myself to this equalization process until all is free.

openclipart