Day 437 - Who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out insecurity, instead of investigating myself with the tools to allow my Life essence to come through, moving into and within Real Self-Confidence.

This is self-forgiveness statement from my personal writings today really stood out for me. It kind of captures this aspect of growing up, becoming a man, and leading my life with a sense of authority within myself. Fearlessness in my decisions to speak or move myself. The insecurity programming that I've been allowing within me, has me often taking the back seat in my life. I've been letting my outside world determine where I go, what I say and do. It's like I'm living for forces outside of myself, not giving myself any respect or worth or say in how I want to live. How do I want to live? Safely? Free from negative judgments from others? I'm sick of not knowing myself? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all I am is a shell of a man, a set of personalities that activate in relation to my environment to achieve self-interested ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am and believe that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build layers of self-protection upon layers of self-protection, within incredible fear, fear of being exposed, and to have lost touch with myself, not realizing that I am also the very fear that I've created as the layers of ego and characterized personality programs to hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept all of me that is here, within and without. I realize my equality of self inside and outside, and thus commit myself to acknowledging my inherent responsibility in creating my experience of and in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate WHO I AM from others, from politics, from all that is here manifested in this world - not realizing within this vantage point of separation, I am creating myself into the mind consciousness system, defining my individual ego standing in relation to everything else, limiting myself, my expression and my capacity to create significant change in the world.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to direct my insecurities and character flaws through a process of detailed self-investigation and self-forgiveness, so that I can own them, see me clearly, and create a correction plan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my insecurities, suppress them, act like everything is cool, and think that I'm winning.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace all of me, the good and the bad, and WORK to change myself and become better, to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my faults, and believe that they are real only through recognition, and so create an adverse relationship to self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I've become, not want to face it, and effectively bar myself from reaching my potential because I'm not even honest with myself about where I'm at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a day dreamer, judging myself by the potential I see I could become, and reject the reality of who I am today.

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When and as I see that I am feeling low self-esteem, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all of me is here, and from within and as my breath, I can accept where I'm at, and work with releasing the layers of self-deception that I've constructed myself to believe I am. I commit myself to transmute any energy of feeling low or down about myself and where I'm at in life, into a resounding resolve to walk the Desteni process: identify my responsibility for what is here as me, forgive/let go, and move forward in creating myself with clear starting point and direction.

When and as I see myself believing this process is too hard, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am who I am in what I create in EVERY moment of thought, word and deed. I commit myself to apply breath when the going gets tough, to assist and support with orienting myself to creating the best version of myself.

When and as I see myself trying to escape the reality of who I am by orienting to creating positive feelings, I stop, I breathe. I realize that temporarily suppressing my dark moments of the soul is an action of me robbing me from a great opportunity to understand and transcend a significant layer of my self programming. I commit myself to the full realization that suppression is NOT the best way forward, and to move into the honesty of what is here as me, no matter how ugly/miserable it may be, so that I may put a real stop to it and end the cycle of self-abuse, one system at a time.

Day 380 - Careful Self-Branding and Personality Portrayal

Yesterday, I blogged about my starting point within blogging. Many times in the past, I have found myself writing to please you, the reader, instead of using this space appropriately for my individual process of self-supportive writing and investigation. The 'sharing it publicly' factor should only weigh in afterwards in the form of editing typos and clarifying what doesn't even makes sense to me.

The possibility of your negative judgment of my writing was the main backchat within my initial resistance toward starting this blog. Why? Because I wanted to make sure that when I started publicly expressing myself and producing content, that I did so in a strategic way to gain approval and influence on the interweb. I was so worried about carefully shaping my content, that I resisted and delayed producing anything. Even still I struggle with pushing myself to publish video logs because I am still justifying this point of needing to make a certain impression, especially because the video medium allows for higher visibility, transparency and is easier to consume.

I also experienced a high level of frustration yesterday when I had not successfully saved my new self summary on my LinkedIn profile. I had written it with extraneous care, considering how every sentence fragment could shape how readers perceive me. Funny enough, I was writing it simultaneously as I was working on yesterday's post, so the point eventually became obvious how I was writing within ego; however, I continued justifying that I need to carefully and consciously shape how others saw me, especially in the harsh world of business professionals. So, when I lost my self summary and had to rewrite it again, I was constantly reminded of how great I thought it sounded, how perfect it was, how I can never get it back exactly as it was. I recognized my intense reactive state and I wrote about it in my computer journal. I had let the point go for the night, and came back at it with a fresh brain today. I wrote it this time with a more carefree, 'give it my best' attitude, remembering that I can always change it again.

It is now time to walk the self-forgiveness on this point more thoroughly within the dimension of being paranoid about others are judging my online presence. In upcoming blog posts, I'll get more into the paranoia surrounding my perception of how others judge my offline presence, which is a biggie.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firstly consider how other people may perceive and judge my online writing, not realizing that these judgmental people are actually in my head within a subconscious layer of my mind, and thus an extension of myself. Therefore, I am only really judging myself when I limit my expression in this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to careful impression management creations as my written self summary on LinkedIn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I lost my carefully crafted facade of myself as my written online identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach frustration to loss, not realizing the truth that I can never lose my authentic self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is imperative that I manage how others may or might perceive my character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the characters that I create and (attempt to) portray.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure when I do not successfully portray a specific character to invoke a specific, positive response in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is not a character, and that the characters I present are simply either effective or ineffective. In this, I now see realize and understand that an ineffective character only requires to be adjusted, and that failing to invoke the desired response in others is not something to be taken personally. I am not the personality that I present. Who I am is life, as an expression of what is best for all. And I commit myself to continue this journey towards unhindered self-expression within oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect success with positive responses/judgement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach my self-definition with the character or public representation of myself in a particular situation that requires a certain personality suit.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will make many mistakes when consciously representing myself in a particular way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make these mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making mistakes to my self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making mistakes in how I represent or express myself, not realizing that this fear is rooted in the belief that I am the personality that I create and live through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, not realizing that this fear is holding me back from effective, authentic self-expression.


When and as I see myself fearing that I will not effectively portray myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that the way I present myself is not directly linked to who I am, and thus, I commit myself to stop taking it personally within judgments, manifested or subconsciously projected.

When and as I see myself projecting subconscious self-judgments in the form of personalities/voices in my head, I stop I breathe. I realize that writing from a starting point of validated projected judgments severely limits my capacity to authentically express myself. I commit myself to stop the internal self-judgment backchat in the moment that I become aware of it, take a deep in-breath, hold it for a few seconds, stabilize myself back into my physical, breath out and express myself authentically in whatever situation.

When and as I see myself justifying an elaborate process of impression management while writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can always edit and make adjustments to my writing to portray myself more effectively after I've expressed myself unencumbered by voices in my head. I commit myself to first write for myself in getting my main point out, before I criticize and edit my writing.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake when presenting myself a certain way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to make edits and test out another way of presenting myself in my writing. This process can be repeated until I am satisfied. When in a real life interaction, I commit myself to accept when I make a mistake, let it go, and transition my expression back to the here-now moment and direct the interaction accordingly within common sense. I commit myself to not fear making mistakes. I commit myself to flag point whenever I see that I fear making a mistake, to further investigate the point.

When and as I see myself identifying with my mistakes, I stop, I breathe. I realize that who I am is not directly represented by the portrayal of a particular character or personality that I have created (consciously or not); though within this, I realize my responsibility for my physical participation, as actions and words, regardless of personality suit. I commit myself to remain emotionally detached from my mistakes, and instead, utilize them to make changes and improvements.

When and as I see myself reacting to positive feedback/judgement by taking it personally, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this reaction indicates an ego-oriented perspective, that charges this mind construct and substantiates both the positive and the negative within my disillusioned perception of judgment. I commit myself to breathe, be here, and express myself for the sake of self-expression and value creation in this world. Any feedback from others does not define who I am. No matter how much they assert and believe they're judgment is correct, I know confidently that who I am is determined in my starting point of my expression.

I commit myself to continue practicing self/character expression through words until there is no interference from the voices in my head. I commit myself to stop the self-judgment system. I commit myself to express freely within what is best for all.

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Day 379 - Why Do I Blog?

I'm an investigator of the Self. I am not pretending to know what the Self is. My purpose for writing here is to find out, while simultaneously sharing with you. This process of self-discovery through writing investigation is a bit awkward at first because I've been trained in school to write with a certain voice. I see myself often still writing while thinking about how others might think about my self-expression through words. This is continuing to feed the flame of my ego. Alternatively, I write with SELF as the starting point of reference.

"Who am I within this topic?" is the starting point from which I must align my writing. Why? Because this is authentically self-support. No lies, agendas, deceit, or framing that is meant to pull a 'quick one' on you. So if you're reading this with an active mind chatter, looking for the holes in my story to discredit my entire person, you may just find it. My goal from now on is to double and triple check my starting point within my writing so that I can be sure that I am considering myself first within supporting myself through my self-expression. Lucky for you, you can read about it. It's best this way because it would be more selfish to hoard my self-investigation in some random folder on my computer.

Join me in an alignment process of SELF-forgiveness and commitment statements, and in future blogs I will continue to consciously practice this point until it is stable.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a need to write with a certain style so that I could please my readers, and in this not see, realize, or understand how I'm compromising my process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize when and as I am writing for others instead of for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others matter more in this process, and in that place my self-importance in the background.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "others must hear this message and understand it and apply it, and if I can just get 2 or more people to see, realize, understand, and apply themselves within this journey to life, then I don't have to."

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand front and center in my own process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face this point directly to see how I am compromising myself by writing within ego (desire for + attention / fear of - attention), and take responsibility for this point by stopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I'm only just a breath away from realigning my starting point when and as I see myself writing within ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my ego-stance within writing by claiming that others need to hear, and others will only listen if I write to and for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in thinking that others can do it better, wherein I am abdicating taking responsibility for myself to be effective and clear within this process for myself as well as others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe I already understand a point that I've been exposed to and thus believe that I do not need to walk the point through self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see or distinguish when I am existing within knowledge/information only in relation to a single point, OR when I have completely understood and defined who I am in relation to a single point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to push through this resistance of releasing old habits/perceptions and defining new ones. This process will be lengthy, as I have already heavily defined 'who I am' in relation to this world and everyone in it. This egocentric 'who I am' now needs to be released and redefined within awareness. I create.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take ownership over 'who I am' as who I have created myself to be.


I commit myself to now take full responsibility for myself as 'who I am' as who I have become, and in the creation process of who I am to become.

When and as I see myself wanting to write in a way so that I am liked by others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in ego, overly concerned about how others will perceive my writing. I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into a stability in my physical body, and continue writing for myself.

I know I have mentioned this point before multiple times, and I have yet to become stable within it. This indicates that there are more dimensions of it to discover.

I commit myself to continue to my investigation on this one specific point of ego-based writing.

I commit myself to continue pushing through any resistance toward facing this point and redefining it.

When and as I see myself in an energetic resistance toward finishing a blog post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is only an energy experience that exists in the moments before physical application. I commit myself to the process of recognizing resistance energy for what it is, pushing through it, and applying myself effectively within a fresh starting point rooted in a breath.

When and as I see myself writing to be perceived or recognized positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that this starting point is not self-supportive. I commit myself to really check myself and see if I am writing in a voice that is special tailored in consideration of the reader before I consider myself within my writing.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not good enough to stand and lead this process for myself and other, I stop, I breathe. I realize that if I don't stand, how can I trust anyone else to? I commit myself to giving 100% of my effort in understanding who I have become and redirecting who I am to be. I commit myself to stabilizing myself within a clear starting point of blogging and behaving within Self-Support so that I may support others effectively and enjoy my life!

More on this to come...until it is done.

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Day 339 - "I don't know"

When faced with a self defining question, it's pretty damn easy to say "I don't know," but there's a problem: I typically hit a wall here. To parkour this wall. To overcome it. To continue onward and figure out the answer to, let say for example: What am I capable of? I would have to really apply an effort to answer this for myself. I'd first have to understand that I need to give some context before I can assess the question seriously, a step that is not taken when resorting to an "I don't know" response.

In some ways, it's a particular relationship to the phase, where upon saying "I don't know," I also assume that someone else will give me the answer, or dig my psyche to unravel my core issues for me. It's a habit formed from when I was young: Mommy, Daddy what's...why...how? The function of "I don't know" wasn't to hide my inner reality. It was an expression that expanded my world. But now I find myself utilizing this phrase out of habit and in the wrong context. Instead of using this set of words to assist and support myself, I've allowed the habit to evolve into escaping the responsibility to investigate, understand and discover myself.

For clarification, this issue only applies with personal questions like: "How are you feeling today?" or "What's up?" Not questions like what's 37 x 689. To discern when I am being self-honest within "I don't know" there is a simple test: Is there backchat?

If there is a fogginess or background thinking process going on when I speak "I don't know," I can be sure that the statement is not being used as a direct, self-honest expression. Stop. What is my inner reality? What am I thinking in my secret mind? Why am I resisting to share the first answer that comes to mind? Probably, I am protecting my ego. That seems to be trending.

So, if I am to discover my potential, I'm going to have to realign my relationship to not knowing what it is. So far in life, I've placed way too much emphasis on the idea of my capacity without ever testing myself. It's like an imagined, glorified idea of myself in the future vs. the living reality of myself, here. This disconnect, I'm finding is a serious problem. I can't create the life I want to live if I keep telling myself and others that "I don't know." After all, without physically moving to overcome a mental wall of self-limited understanding, I'll just suppress the wall, save it for later and create a temporary perception (of "not knowing" for example) to feel okay for the moment. I no longer accept myself to live in the mind and support the illusion of self-control. I commit myself to walking the physical process of transcending the mind's automated, directive control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can simply reach a higher level of self-control by mentally suppressing my way through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the superior mental idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the words "I don't know" to hide my self-honest expression within my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind a wall of "I don't know" and not realize the dynamic of presenting an illusion of myself to others and myself. In this, not realizing the consequences of compounding self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and interaction through using "I don't know" as a way to outsource the responsibility of self-understanding and to engage others in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak "I don't know" while having a perception of who I really am in a glorified imagination space of my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that entertaining myself in this way is is only an entertainment and not the reality of myself, even though I like the idea so much and will try to integrate it with who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the physical reality of myself, to verbally claim that "I don't know" who I am, and then participate and believe in the mental idea that best suits me as ego.

When and as I see myself saying "I don't know" with simultaneous backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is an inconsistency, a separation between the physical reality of who I am and the idea of who I am. I commit myself to consider this moment and utilize it for personal insight by checking out why I had chosen to hide behind the words "I don't know."

When and as I see myself participating in a thought or imagination about how I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that if this were a reality of my living expression, I wouldn't have created the thought in the first place. I commit myself to investigating how I can realign myself to live within physical and express myself fully as life in support of an outcome that is best for all.

When and as I see myself mentally shaping who I think myself to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that using the statement of "I don't know" to protect what I think about myself in my secret mind is a way for me to see that I'm not living myself into and as reality. I commit myself to flag pointing the context and/or particular desires of how I would like to be when I hear myself say "I don't know" so that I may walk myself into a point of self-directiveness, here in the physical living reality.

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Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole

To elaborate on yesterday's post: Day 284 - Party vs Blog I want to share my perspective on how being responsible for myself relates to taking responsibility for the entire world.

I was reading through one of the student newspapers here and came across an article about how our rotating, 20,000 student community is undergoing city changes. It lead me to think about how as a student, I hardly took any responsibility for any community structural planning. I justified it as something "left to the higher ups, the government. And besides I wasn't here long enough to care about our future.” Interesting when I compare this attitude to how I might see the purpose of my life in the context of this entire existence.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am only responsible for my own experience within a complete disregard for all others, past, present, future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will only ever be able to be responsible for myself and maybe a family in the future, not seeing how this is a contradiction with my childhood dream to make it into the history books.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be famous by solving the problems in the world with a simple brilliant idea, not realizing the amount of work, through responsibility, that would I would require to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the true power of self is within becoming responsible for my life first and expanding that responsibility through a corporate climb. That's how this world is currently set up. I realize that I need to prove my work ethic within the world system to open doors of more responsibility.

Side thought: It's too bad that being responsible for others doesn't inherently require to act in the interest of what is BEST for all within that range of responsibility. On the flip side: Acting in the interest of what is best for all inherently requires self-realizing responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my becoming responsible for the entity of myself is a fundamental prerequisite of becoming responsible for others, and within this to understand that by giving to myself the gift of self-trust & self-responsibility, I am preparing the way before me to be most effective and able to support the all life on earth.

When and as I see myself delaying or abdicating my responsibility to myself in a moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that by doing this, I am having a detrimental effect on not only my life, but all life as one and equal within the context of a best for all motivation. I commit myself to facilitate the necessary environmental  conditions for me to thrive and be able to become the best that I can be before I start to really expand my responsibility into my world around me.

When and as I see myself desiring to save the world, I stop I breathe. I realize that prematurely trying to assist and support the world before I have assisted and supported myself is an act of ego, and within this, I am avoiding responsibility to lead through example. I commit myself to move myself within a motivation that yields what is best for me AND ultimately everyone.

When and as I see myself believing that I can't take responsibility in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that through common sense I can see if I can, in fact, take on that piece of responsibility. I commit myself to asking myself why I resist taking responsibility for any particular subject, to through this, actually take responsibility for myself in relation to any particular point of responsibility.

That's power. Not letting myself get away with abdicating responsibility and not looking back. The NOW of consciousness can be a dangerous trap with the suppression mechanism our ego loves to utilize. I commit myself to taking as long as I need to see, realize and understand who I am in relation to a point of responsibility. In doing so, I am taking responsibility in a way that will allow me to accumulate self-trust and expand my responsibility as an equal and one participant, living and apply what is best for all.

Day 283 - Positive Association Self-Forgiveness

Firstly, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to write a blog post from my phone through the belief that it won't be as good (blame) and/or it will be too hard to do (resistance/fear of failure).

I realize that it is my responsibility to create effective self-support through writing in whatever medium that I choose.
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I have been reluctant to walk the positive associations through the self-forgiveness process of releasing attachment. Since I started working with SF, I found it much more natural to forgive myself for the aspects of myself that I don't like. I kind of figured that I would one day get around to hitting the positive points, but now that I am aware of the nature of waiting/hoping and attaching responsibility of self-change onto a time, separate of self, I understand that only I can create myself in the moment that is here. Thus, to be aware of how I am creating my reality in each moment is a significant point to begin considering more closely. One of the reasons I haven't been wanting to face the positive points is not understanding the consequences of creating and amplifying positive experiences within the design of polarity of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify and play into the positive experiences that I create in relation to specific physical events without understanding the relevant relationships I've built inside myself in my past that have predetermined my reactive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to operate within positive feeling reactions to my environment without being aware of why or how.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write about my positively defined relationships/reactions and validate this inaction because I do not understand the polarity consequences of separating myself from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my physical hereness and my breath because I prefer to exist within a positively charged inner reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can win at life by amplifying the positive experiences and suppressing the negative ones.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue chasing positivity and not realize that my starting point within reality is negatively charged, hence the desire for a positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or investigate my state of negativity that is existent before I pursue a positive experience.
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This post initiated from reflecting on how I screamed to the ocean, "I LOVE YOU OCEAN!!!" I really enjoy myself I'm the ocean, but I can see that there is an energetic movement within me that is related to my amplified affinity toward the ocean. I commit myself to start seriously considering my positive attachments and the internal energetic constructs behind them.

When and as I see myself within a positive experience, I take a moment to remember my breathing. I realize that getting lost in these energetic experiences is a mental state that doesn't last. I commit myself to investigating the polarity dynamic of mentally augmented experience creation.

When and as I see myself desiring a positive internal experience, I stop I breathe. I realize I am operating within a negative experience of myself without being aware of it. I commit myself to inquiring within, the nature of who I am during and just before the desire for a positive experience.

When and as I see myself amplifying my experience within myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that an amplified experience within myself is created in separation of myself here. I commit myself to continue stopping the fear of releasing my positive experience creations, breathe, and simply enjoy myself in a moment, no longer dragging it out and/or flaunting my enjoyment for others to be jealous (ego related).

...many positive posts to come, positively!

Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

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Day 263 - The Achievement Collector

This is an interesting perspective I've narrowed down within me.  A personality design, a character that comes out in many of life's scenarios. It's so deeply rooted that I can't remember for how long I've been this way, so it might take awhile before I can effectively address the entire system. I breathe, I walk.

The achievement collector is how I'm going to label this personality/drive that I've discovered. This is what it is to me:

• a way to become better & more powerful, to ultimately "save the world"/become famous
• climbing the ladder seemed like the best option for myself
• validation in and of my externalized self-definition
• do hard work now -> achievement; then take it easy and just ride the achievement
• as capital: achievement viewed as inherently valuable
• Competition, rush to gain as much achievement as I can to be safe & secure
• competing with the "general other"

OK, so with these above points, I can see how my starting point within achievement is skewed  and tainted by self-interest. Achievement has nothing inherently wrong in it. I'm not trying to stop achieving things. I'm investigating my motivations to achieve, and gather accomplishments like a commodity that increases my self-worth. That's not cool. My self-worth is defined as the life that I am, not the ego/externalized self-definition/others' judgments of me. I must realign who I am within seeking achievement to fulfill my potential and not succumb to creating myself through how I believe others want me to be or expect me to be.

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in separation of myself, such that I would define myself according to my accomplishments that were valid in the eyes of others as if that was all that really mattered. This is the primary reason and starting point for going to college and I ended p cheating myself out of getting the most I could have, had I been there for me and not for society's sake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue achievement in relation to others. This point of comparison as means to validate my value has been seriously detrimental to myself and others within how I would orient myself in relationships, needing to be superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'achievement' as being superior than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a value on achievement from an external perspective, where I would be able to eventually stop working when I accumulate enough achievement. This is like capitalism, work hard, have success, and retire on the work of yesterday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape working hard by only working hard on things that I perceive will yield a residual benefit so I won't have to work hard. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work hard, and not realize that this desire plays out, and that there is no escape from my internal reality. I commit myself to seeing all of who I am within, so that I may own it, and change myself as who I really am into an expression of life, not ego/mind.

I commit myself to exposing to myself the entirety of my personality constructs that I have built to serve my ego/externalized self-definitions.

When and as I see myself working toward an achievement so that others will positively define me, I stop I breathe. I bring myself back to myself and see how I am motivated to accomplish whatever it is within the context of myself and what is best for all. If I was only motivated by how I think others will judge me, I realize this is a fear-based starting point. I commit myself to check my starting point within my motivation toward accomplishment to see if I am acting within a root of fear or have I really considered the implications/effects of a particular achievement.

When and as I see that I have not considered who I am within the starting point of obtaining achievement, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past behavior has momentum, it's my personality. I commit myself to breathe and create myself within an alignment of what is best for all when working toward achieving something.

When and as I see myself acting to become better than, more than, or superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize that achievement based in comparison and competition is not what is best for all, rather what is best for my self-image as who I am as an ego in separation of others. I commit myself to identifying where I am still attached to this idealized self-image that is my ego within my imagination based on how I think others perceive me. Through identifying my 'vices' related to desire for superiority, I commit myself to patiently walking self-forgiveness and corrective application until I no longer am drive to succeed by treading on others.

When and as I see that I have been working hard at something so that I can eventually stop working hard, I stop I breathe. I realize that this particular form of achievement desire is actually holding me back as my starting point is to 'not have to work hard.' I commit myself to hard work, for the rest of my life.

No shortcuts.

No easy living... 

Not until all may live easy.

Investigate equal money system where basic human rights are guaranteed to all, and LIFE is honored.

Day 256 - What does Commitment mean to Me? Part 3

This is a cool perspective that I've recently contemplated. If I define commitment as something that stands indefinitely, I can apply this generalized statement to expand my perspective as I intend to do right now.

The first thought that popped into my head was the spoken word. They taught my in college that communication is irreversible and that resonated with me. You can mitigate and spin what you say, but once something happens, it has happened, and will always have happened. So, to think that I don't always consider the ramifications of what I say and do is a real bother. This was one of my key alignments with the Desteni message as well. I am the words I speak. I am my past actions and must take responsibility for them if I ever want to change how I live my life.

So, Commitment is simple. It undoubtedly stands throughout time. What are the implications of that? That indicates there is an alignment problem with all of the past commitments that I haven't been able to uphold? Why have I done that? Optimism. Not seeing the whole picture and all the dynamics at play. Like with the nail biting habit, I still haven't taken the time to investigate all the detail of why I start each movement. I erroneously clumped together a bundle of points and labeled them by a single physical manifestation. Why? Because anxiety seemed too big to take on...and who know what else I am missing? Well, I do.

I commit myself to the realization of my insight and ability to patiently walk through all relevant points until I can stand clearly within a commitment.

I get it now. I realize that self-commitments aren't something to just throw out in hope of self-change. Self-commitment is my living word. It is a tool to indicate to myself who I am. Great Scott! Behold the power!! Haha. Really though, if I continue with this bad habit of haphazardly writing self-commitments, I will prolong my process and deteriorate the the power of my spoken word. It's abusive. I will no longer tolerate myself wishing for my commitments to myself to magically/automatically take hold.

I commit myself to utilizing self-commitments as an extension of my beingness. And I realize that I will not be able to live out every commitment here forth in perfection. I must walk this process of consequence for all of the past abuse of my spoken word. Layers of self-doubt emerge nearly with my every move. Instead, I commit myself to recognizing which commitments falter, and to investigate the dynamics that lead to this failure.

I realize there is a lot at play, and especially as I dig deeper into the layers of my mind, I will need to have my self-commitment tool sharpened and functioning flawlessly. I so want everything to be done in an instant...like, "ok, I realize I'm one and equal with all life," the end. But at the same time, I am glad to pay penance for my sins by practically walking each point of myself into alignment with what's best for all. I dig the personalized challenge :)

Ha, and now I see that it is my mind that wants it all to be done in an instant, which acts as a fail-safe protective mechanism. Like with the nail biting, perfect example. I wanted it done in one moment, I can't maintain the temporary energetic 'change,' I become disappointed with myself as I live out my fear of failure. And so I spiral back into mind-controlled. A common sense, self-directed, lived application of myself through word and deed is the goal, and every moment of every breath is the measure.

So, human race, it's not a race. Who are you in a moment? Are you consistent?
Thank you.