Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

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Day 250 - Dangerous Desire

I've been hesitant to open up the desire point for a long time. Simply because I fear to lose what I desire, come to find out, this is already inherent within the desire. I listed to some solid EQAFE support related to desire, giving it some perceptual context. If either of these call out to you, When Desire Becomes Overwhelming & Why Obsession takes over when Meeting someone New, they are worthy, supportive purchases. I'll share a few of the realizations I had from listening (while bike riding:) to these two interviews, as well as a few insights I picked up from simply studying the desteni material.

There are a lot of dimensions to desire (taste, sex, money, and everything within that), so I'm going to stick to writing about my key realizations today, and just go deeper in my writing as I go deeper in life.

- Desire is Lack
I desire money because I do not have money. Simple. I desire love and affection, because I do not give them to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself love and affection, believing that I can only get this from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money, not realizing that I have to do work to make money. I commit myself to the realization that I give myself value through and by hard work.

- Desire is not based in Reality
I desire the half naked model in the magazine. I desire a point of experience in separation of all the steps it takes to get there (i.e. sex)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with a virtually unobtainable model in a magazine purely based on image and imagination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine sex-compatibility when I first meet a girl, based on her image/voice and how that might play out in the bedroom, never giving myself the change to meet people unconditionally as living equals.

- Desire is inconsiderate of the physical
I desire another Reese's Egg. I desire to eat cereal instead of finishing my blog first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply allow the energy of taste-desire to move me against my will, and within that forgetting to breathe and stablize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my desire for escape by fighting within myself and ultimately giving into the growing/overwhelming energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay a project of self-direction because of resistance coupled with desired outlets. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance and desire by moving within them and not taking an actual, directive stand to breathe and be here with my choices, instead of going into an internal mind chatter-debate where the initial desire energy compounds and wins more often than not.

- Desire is one dimensional, and childlike
I want this. I want that. My beingness is engulfed and fixated by a single point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the inability to not mature and take into consideration a much bigger picture to make an educated, stable decision based on all affected relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience that I desire, not realizing that the fear contributes to the desire drive in the first place.
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When and as I see myself within desire, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an energy experience that will snowball and become very hard to stop if I do not find stability in the physical existence that is here. I commit myself to questioning myself: Where do I perceive lack within myself?

When and as I see myself desiring to have sex with the idea of someone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am obsessing over someone without any real context to my daily life. I commit myself to stop recklessly pursing women based on desire for sex without regard of all related aspects of that journey.

When and as I see myself craving for more candy, I stop I breathe. I stop and breathe for awhile. Really be here with myself. I realize the suppressive internal fight only strengthens the desire energy as all too many times I have given in with, "I don't care about the indistinguishable consequences, go for it." I commit myself to realizing what I am really doing by giving into desire. I commit myself to realizing that I am strengthening energetic desire by participating within it, either by just giving in and going with it or by internal friction-conflict-suppression fighting with it/myself as it.

When and as I see myself fixated on obtaining one item of desire. I stop I breathe. I take a moment to consider where I am, and what I am doing, what else I should be doing, and why. I realize that it's easy to get lost in desire, identifying with it so closely that I become possessed-like as I move with desire. I commit myself to utilizing my breath and self-forgiveness to remove myself from the energetic fixation, and release the pattern of repetitive desire/lack/fear.

Thanks.

"If you become emotional (angry, sad, fearful, anxious etc.) or experience feelings (love, desire, happiness etc.) – know that you are allowing yourself to be directed and controlled by consciousness as your mind as what you have defined yourself as."

- The wiki

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