Day 310 - Splurge Time

I create a feeling of being able to splurge a little with my time whenever I've "been good." Kind of like a dietary splurge when one has been eating healthy, why not treat oneself to a little cheat-treat? It's a form of self-deception and it adds up more than I had realized thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's ok to justify my resistance toward work and being productive after I have accomplished something.

A form of this came up today with my friend. We both agreed that we experience some kind of "I'm spent" and unable to do anything more after a day of work. It's a creation in my head. It probably stems back to when I was rewarded for being good as a child. I formed a habit of expectation. And it's even interesting to take a step back and look the design of reward after going through something undesirable. Instead of investigating the relationship toward the undesirable object (i.e. work, vegetables) and releasing that system, it appears that I've been conditioned to rather cover up my negative experience and forget about it by moving into a positive experience (i.e. video game, ice cream) for a moment. And then on to the next moment until the pattern repeats again. Silly human tendency.

My relationship to sugar will need extensive investigation. There will be a bit of overlap here, as sometimes I use food/sweets as a time related distraction, but my focus is on how I let myself be overly unproductive through justification of needing to balance/reward being productive with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define productivity through/as a positive charge that requires energy and a polarity out flow of negatively charged laziness/relaxation. There is an underlying dynamic that is interesting where productivity has a negative charge on it, making it hard to bring myself to this state vs. the polarity positive charge on lazy/relaxation/ease. So, there is a polarity balance within productivity alone, as well as lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that I am maintaining charges on these words 'productivity' and 'lazy' that are cycling through polarity and manifesting as experiential cycles that cause friction and conflict within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'lazy/relaxation' - instead of relaxing being simply that which it is - without a mental desire/avoidance mechanism in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be lazy because I perceive it as easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the easy life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see being lazy or relaxing as 'bad', as this is utilized by me to feel guilt or judge myself for not being 'good', effectively perpetuating the cycle of internal friction and conflict = no self-change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to positively and negatively charge 'productivity' - instead of seeing productivity simply as a necessary part of life to get stuff done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be productive because then I will be rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see productivity only in contrast to the positive reward, as something that I must to be able to move forward. In this, I have externalized my motivation and removed myself from the sole driver of me as being self-responsible, and in that productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a reward cycle, losing awareness of time in the context of the day and what else I can or should be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say/think "just one more round" without realizing the design of perpetuating my abdication of my responsibility for myself, here in every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to get motivated and productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I'm in an internal polarity conflict because I have energetically charged who I am in relation to work. I commit myself to assist and support myself in becoming aware of how I have created myself in relation to productivity as difficult and relaxation as reward. This system is not helping me to be as effective as I can be.

When and as I see myself delaying work or maintaining distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have an ultimate responsibility for myself and my decisions within every moment. I commit myself to acknowledging that I am unable to divert, avoid, or excuse myself from the consequences that will ensue from me not wanting to take responsibility for myself here. *Here = one moment and all moments.

I commit myself to realizing the significance of what is here and who I am in relation to whatever is here. This is who I am. I am defined by my relationships, and yet I allow them to flow out from my past, and blame my past an the people that have shaped me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others, and not always recognize my self-responsibility for the entirety of myself within what is here. This being my past/present creating my future. I am responsible for this process even though it appears automated and uncontrollable.

I commit myself to continue investigating my automation AND taking responsibility for it.

Day 296 - SHADOWGUNing my life away

Popular Android game - here

Ok, finally. Time to face this bullony. I am addicted to an addictive video game. I have wanted to write about it before but the thought of actually changing and letting this particular addiction go is rather frightening. Very similar to weed actually, so I know I can do it. I realize this is not just about the game. This is about who I am in relation to it. That is what needs to be examined and purified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay responsibilities and hide that decision by immersing myself within this virtual world of killing virtual people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I am driven to play this game because of my ego desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize the feeling of winning before facing reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotionally moved by the excitement and opportunity of winning, as well as the frustration of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, frustrated and driven to win whenever I lose a battle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly immerse myself in a video game to not have to face/realize the importance of time and opportunity in the context of reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this point because of shame/humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't do it, because I don't want to give up something that feels so good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can still indulge responsibly by considering my responsibilities in the context of my day/week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with whatever means necessary as not to have to face myself in this moment here.
--
When and as I see myself entering a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I continue along this path, I have made a choice of self-deception and thus prioritized and justified self-dishonesty. I commit myself to identifying and investigating these moments of distracting myself to determine where my value system is not in alignment with what is BEST for me and all.

When and as I see myself emotionally invested in the outcome of a video game, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow. I commit myself to setting agreements with myself when I am participating in an indulgence so that I remain the authority of myself and not simply let my emotions determine the length of time that I indulge.

When and as I see myself possessed with an energy to win, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is who I am, and I commit myself to not suppressing who I am so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself suppressing points because I am ashamed, I stop I breathe. I realize there are several dynamics at play here: I don't want people to see who I am ESPECIALLY if I fail in producing actual self-change. In a way this is a helpful reference point to keep me honest within my writing, but if I allow the fear to discourage me from walking the corrective actions, I go nowhere and potentially project blame. I commit myself to run at my problems, accentuate the shame, until even I cannot bear it, what ever it takes to realize that I am the creator and the created of who I think I am in the experience of myself.

When and as I see myself playing SHADOWGUN, I stop and take a self-honest breath. Is this really what I want to be doing? What is my justification? Valid? - meaning is this something that I have agreed with myself is okay to do? Will I not regret this? I realize that more often than not, I play video games to procrastinate responsibilities and in so doing, I compromise a lot of time to be doing things I would actually much rather be doing. I commit myself to walking through every delay design that I still subscribe to, so that I may stabilize within self-agreements and enjoy life to the fullest expression, and within this, assist and support others to also enjoy life to the fullest expression.


If you're new to this blog, and the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I congratulate you to making it to the bottom, for one :)  Secondly, check out the DIP Lite course and see if it's something that interests you. It's life changing stuff when you begin giving to yourself as you have wanted to receive all along. Enjoy.

Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2

Continuing with:

Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1

Yesterday I forgave myself for living within a projected dream reality of myself as successful. I had realized that I've been holding myself back from achieving success in the real, physical reality by existing in the glorious realm of ego and imagination. Furthermore, I'm now realizing how desire is a barrier to success. How? Why?

When I self-honestly take a look at what's behind the desire, I'm suppressing facing myself in reality. The uncomfortable nature of resisting facing reality becomes enough to cave and cascade into desirable distractions such as chowing down on some delicious candy pieces, grooving to music videos on youtube or playing cheap video games that call for my attention pretending to be something that matters. These two points could warrant their own blog posts, but what matters, what really counts here, is doing what it takes to change my behavior.

Being thorough with exploring my motivations really helps in the writing process. It opens up my ability to understand myself and really, I mean really, self-intimately, forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as such a program. At that point of release, I open a door for myself to change my behavior which is the whole point of process. The commitment statements are the forging of the new program that I am creating for myself, except this time, I'm not doing it as an automated reaction. This time, I am the directive principle creating myself in alignment with what is best for myself and all others, equal and one.

Today, I commit myself to ending the abuse of my time. I realize that I can take breaks and enjoy life, but to be irresponsible and suppress reality with abusive consumption is no longer accepted or allowed. This is my life and despite the resistance I experience toward doing hard work, I commit myself to drive myself through it all and live here, in the moment to moment awareness of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize or understand the self-compromise and imminent consequence that accumulate through abdicating my responsibility to direct myself within the common sense of each moment in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I am in relation to how I am spending my time through moving into distractions that are of fleeting enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to underestimate who I am within one breath, what I can accomplish within one breath, how I can change within one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility of self-direction and give into the persuasive forces of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower the feeling of resistance through allowing it to expand and develop while I participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am the creator of the resistance energy, and that if I allow it to direct me it, I've given myself to the resistance program. The program of resistance being a feeling of discomfort when facing certain moments of reality that I have told myself I don't like doing (i.e. working hard), followed by alleviating that discomfort through suppression/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'hard work' within the parameters of the resistance program, when the reality is that I rather quite enjoy myself while working hard to achieve success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through the design of resistance -> desirable distraction -> compounding consequence.

When and as I see myself moving into a time sink (distraction) with little to no consideration of time management, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am habitually allowing myself to suppress resistance to maintain a positive experience of self without investigating why I feel resistance in the first place. I commit myself to breathe through resistance, and to continually do this until this becomes the new habit.

...letting that one sink in...overnight

Picture credit

Day 243 - The Responsibility of Self-Attention

"The solution of attention I present to you is the focused specificity application of yourself as who you are in every moment as every breath. "

While I was walking through my DIP lesson this month, there was a section on attention that I found to be very relevant to what I'm walking through right now. It's so simple and yet so profound.

It's all too often that I allow attention diversions to take me away from my breath, my being here, my presence of and within the moment. Silly distractions even. One my guilty indulgences is this game called Subway Surfers. One of it's main features is that it's "highly addictive." It's also a time sink that I don't really want anyone to know about. Hidden and shameful....nice. SO, I blog about it because it's what has come up.

source

I could go into excuses and justifications why I continually allow myself to play this game, but the key point is that it's one of the major attention diversions in my life. I probably won't even be writing about it if I had somehow decided to open the app while I was watching the Solution of Attention video interview. It was much like a window of opportunity to see myself and finally take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing in this context. There is one other video game app that I like to play, but I'll address that in another post.

Which leads me to a noteworthy side point: selective self-responsibility. Oh, how I react to that concept! Like what the hell am I doing. Okay, breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to become frustrated with myself for what I have been allowing myself to exist as and participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry that I do not act within the common sense of what is best for all.

I compromise myself through repetitive allowance of attention diversion. It's bullshit. It's shameful. And this is where SF come in. Breathe..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for a long time, continue to participate in the video game because I want to have lots of virtual coins. Why? I want the purchasing power, even if it is only within the game. Oh man, there is something else going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be greedy and filled with desire to have lots of (virtual/not real) money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have real satisfaction from unlocking something new. This is a primary additive point for most video games.

Now, why is this (guilty) indulgence something that I must stop? It's who I am within it. I reduced myself to a simplified, zombie state. Motivated by a transient/null reward, I play it every day so I can get the "super mystery box" each time I play. The consequence of letting this play out, unchecked, unmoderated, unfettered, automatically, is an accumulation of lost time, time that I will never get back. And this is vital time. I am walking my process. Don't I want to be as effective as I can be? YES! I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for relinquishing my attention.

I commit myself to to patiently and consistently work myself back to here by investigating these long running patterns of lost time where I have allowed an attention diversion and deliberately not investigate it.

I'll continue tomorrow with more detailed SF on Self-Attention. For now, If you are curious about the video interview I was watching, I am happy to inform you that it's publicly available here: The Solution of Attention

:)

Day 175 - Media & Entertainment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not acknowledge how I am compromising myself through entertainment.

My biggest fall point in relation to getting work done is the satiating enjoyment of entertainment. Akin to zoning or spacing out, media allows me the opportunity to just let go and mindlessly consume mental stimulation. Here, though, this mental stimulation is not inherently bad. I am compromising myself because of the satiating factor: I long for it, I desire & fiend for it.

For example, drinking alcohol isn't the same as drinking recklessly. To enjoy a movie, television show, or video game responsibly is not the issue I am trying to capture here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear; fearing that I will not be able to overcome the desire to stop indulging in media/entertainment, placing the point outside of and larger than myself. This stops here.

To force oneself to stay in directive control is no easy process, yet it is entirely simplistic: Set goals, and don't allow self to deviate from the plan until the goal is finished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility toward myself within setting a goal AND moving self to complete it, while assessing in self-honesty, when I deviate.

I realize that I can change my starting point within any application. I realize that I may allow myself to indulge in media & entertainment within a self-honest agreement with self. I understand that when I disregard my goals and responsibilities as I move into neglect as I indulge in media & entertainment, I am not being honest with myself and am creating a necessary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I must stop my reluctance character, where I been disabling me from writing about this topic in fear of having to let go of that which I am not ready to let go.

This character design spans far and wide

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my irresponsible behavior within media and entertainment usage, and holding onto the perception that I must completely stop if I am to face this point.

When and as I see myself engaging media/entertainment without a self-honest agreement with self, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the point of change. I commit myself to uncovering and disengaging this character that likes to hide from consequence within distraction.

Ok, this is just an opening for today. I will continue tomorrow with investigating the multidimensional aspects of how I've oriented toward the use of media and entertainment.

photo credit

Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded

http://desteniartists.blogspot.com

This post is about the point of delay that I've been opening up. Today, I re-experienced myself having idealized intentions (Day 123) and yet not wanting to face myself (Day 112). From one perspective, it seems that I've been failing in overcoming the addiction to delay, but I know this is not a self-supportive perspective. I've experienced this detrimental perspective in relation to my nail biting habit, where I've been afraid to touch that point since falling back into it, having already thought to have cleared it back on Day 16. I'll soon get back to correcting my nail biting as I am realizing just how connected it is to the delay point.

Today, I allowed myself to go into delay because others in my environment are also killing time. My mind goes, "ah well if they are playing games and wasting time, it's ok that I do the same." This thought happens so fast, I mean, I move into the experience of accepting it so quickly that I don't stop to consider this point in self-honesty. Then I go into all sorts of other reactions to my delaying, forgetting how I let myself start in the first place. And then I assume it's too difficult to figure out why I've let myself enter delay, and so going into the overwhelmingness reaction, and then look for different ways to delay. It's like I'm still spiraling out of control (Day 98), and my stopping the whirlwind (Day 99) post was not effective. I realize though: This is a BIG point, or rather a hefty accumulation of a lot of related points. It will take time to sort it all out, but that's why I've committed myself to walking this 7 year path of self purification: My Journey to Life.

My Journey to Self-Honesty.

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Now this post was going to simply be about the one point of Procrastinating Because of Others, but I'm going to delay that until tomorrow because I really want to expand and expound upon the delay pattern. As it is significantly affecting my life and ability to produce, I need to take this head on. And so I write:

Delay points:
following suit with environment as others procrastinating/abdicating responsibilities
perception of having enough time to take care of responsibilities later
"just one more time" - dishonest & unprioritized
delay breeding delay (work inertia)
fear of work/production not being good enough, into delay (needing more preparation)
working on other productive activities not directly related to intended task
"purifying" fingertips
experiences with others - social play time, courting women, etc.
delicious snacks, feel-good foods/candy
     i.e. an early habit of eating cereal to delay going to bed
video games - virtual advancement/rewards
escaping into a mediated adventure (film or tv program)
getting out of bed
general, unnecessary consumption
physical exercise/conditioning
... (if others come up, I'll place them here)

I commit myself to working through each of the above delay points that I've identified within self-forgiveness and corrective application.

The point of self-honesty will be how I determine my pace. Simple question for myself: Am I in delay or am I working towards what's best for all?

For those who aren't clear on what best for all is (and to clarify for myself), it is a matter of establishing myself as stable within being effective to be able to supporting all others as me until the world's inhabitants exist in unquestionable harmony.

Thank you for reading this process.