Day 438 - Voicing Me

Speaking in an intricate act. Formulation of words to build concepts and understanding is a miraculous feat. Sharing understanding with others is one of the most precious gifts of humanity. I write this blog to share some of the information processing that goes on behind the scenes of me. I have a duty to place myself in words. This is my chief aim. It would seem absurd to continue allowing inFEARiority, in all it's forms, to suppress one of the greatest gifts I can give to all.

I commit myself to stand up within myself to share my understandings to the best of my ability in every interaction, while remaining a humble learner, equal and one with everyone.

I commit myself to contributing my vantage point whenever it can effectively support what is best for all.

Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debase myself with self-diminishing thoughts like "I'm not smart enough to speak in this group of people" or "I have nothing of worth to share" or "I don't want to be ridiculed for my choice of words," as who I am is expressed in my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as my words, in fear that by expressing myself, I open myself up to attack.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that no matter what anyone says about me or my words, I am not harmed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being publicly ostracized, for this means my chances of survival are compromised - or that my chances of being liked by the girl are lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss, when and as I express myself, and so have chosen to rather suppress myself, and through this create the exact loss (of opportunity, of potential) that I feared.

I commit myself to express myself despite fear, put myself out there, and risk it all.

I commit myself to embrace risk, cast off fear, as I stand and express myself within principle.

I commit myself to share myself with the world, and stop this self-diminishing mind program that I've built and participated in since early childhood. Till here, no further.

I commit myself to investigate and release myself from any related systems of self-doubt, when and as they arrive in my conscious mind.

I have one life to live, and time waits for no one. Let's get it done.

Day 200 - Getting Deeper

It's time. On Day 40 - Depth and Specificity, I conducted an initial writing of this pattern. Today, I'm going to investigate, and get specific within the general motion of going deep into my patterns/behaviors, into what I have accepted and allowed. Why? Because the mind is specific with how it is created. Specific occurrences and reactions throughout our lives is how we built our belief structure.

A fact I recall learning in college psychology was how when we form a thought/opinion about the way something is or operates, we tend to focus on that which confirms that we were right the first time. It's an ego thing. We don't want to admit we were wrong, so we would rather collect data that supports our initial guess.

Where am I going with this? Through investigating my reactions, I intend to trace the source-origin of the reaction. It's not always immediately clear because I'm so caught up in the dynamic energies of the mind. I find it's rather difficult to stay focused and will me to move through backward through my casual relationships/reactions in the mind because "what's done is done," right? Haha.

So there is definitely a resistance to dig up the past, especially when there is stuff we'd much rather not direct our attention to. Alas, I must go there. We all must go there to understand ourselves today.

Especially in the beginning days of this JTL Blog, I figured that as long as I was writing, I was "okay" or "on track." To an extent, this was correct, but all along I vaguely knew that I'd have to be going deeper into myself to unravel the layers of self-conceptualization. It's time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is involved in going deep into myself to discover how I have become me today. This includes: high effort, focus, principle, will, breath, and persistent self-forgiveness, tenacity, and of course, writing. I don't think I could do this all in my head. That'd be like trying to clean my room by picking stuff up and throwing it over my head. haha, I'm funny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time of day to write out my mind as I see it in action. The investigation has begun, but I might only be considering about 2% of my mind on a good day. Committing to write everyday for 7 years seemed like a lot before I started this endeavor, and now, I realize that once a day is just the minimum amount of writing required to start really getting to know myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread going deeper into a specific pattern within my personality, finding it to be dull, painstaking, tedious. It's so much more enjoyable to remain skipping along the surface, writing about what patterns in my I recognize. Why do I avoid depth? First to mind: fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not produce any results if I try. In this I realize that by not trying, I am most certainly not producing any results. There is a relationship is discouragement here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged when I do not have success. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have given up pursuing the study of Mathematics because I was no longer the best in the class. Why? -> I only wanted to do what I could easily excel at. 'Excel" defined as relative to others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself through only pursing that which I was naturally better than others at. Through this I could protect myself from negative judgement. This relative-success character, has predominantly defined the path of my own creation of my personality. This is a new realization as a result of going deeper. For the sake of specificity, I will address this character later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this writing process is like a tree, where as I go deeper, the roots split, and split, and split again. So, to stay focused linearly is a challenge but not necessarily. It is about continuing to travel deeper and noting all that comes up along the way, so that discovery happens at the same time as the process of staying focused on the initial direction of inquiry.

Key point: Side tracked vs focused. Focused while noting side-tracks..ah ha! In this, there is impatience & fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so impatient with myself that I feel the need to discover ALL of me as soon as possible. It's an energetic high of discovery. And before I realize it, I'm way off my focus point. Why is the discovery so attractive? I don't want to lose it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing insight. I forgive myself for believing that I won't be able to remember what I had just discovered. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in "now or never," practically applied within the thought that "I might not have time to get around to my new discovery if I stay on track."

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When and as I see myself delaying my written self-investigation process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me, and that getting ahead implies a necessary look at my past. I commit myself to slowing down to look backwards.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define "looking backwards" as negative. Queue it up!

When and as I see myself not giving myself the time of day to write out a through investigation of even a single point, I stop and I breathe. I realize this form of resistance is intertwined with not wanting to go deep and actually face myself as the past casual chain of accepted and allowed behaviors/perceptions. I commit myself to recognizing fear/resistance for what is is as nothing more than my own creation. Through this, I commit myself to forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and simultaneously empower self-creations of fear/resistance that do not serve me in my process of taking responsibility for all points of self-creation.

When and as I see myself deviating along a side-track, I stop I breathe. I realize that the most effective way to proceed is by taking note of the secondary point and finishing the primary task. I commit myself to moving through the realization of the task deviation, to place the secondary task on a side list (see example below) and return to a focused persistence within the primary task.

When and as I see a point that is unclear and/or become overwhelmed with the multitude/complexity of self, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is time so long as I give myself to the time to complete one thing at a time. I commit myself to improving my steadfast focus on one point at a time. I commit myself to going deeper and noting the discoveries along the way. I commit myself to breathing when the overwhelmingness energy diminishes my attention,, and from that breath, I continue with the ONE, primary task.

Goal: Build habit of investigating with depth and specificity, actually.

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Opened pathways for future investigation:

• look backwards with negative association
• relative-success character
• difficulty with perseverance
• resistance to this process of noting side-tracks / desire to follow them
• Afraid to fail / perfection character

Day 187 - Continued Delay Discovery

I'm not done. Which leads me to think that, "well, if I have to write about stuff that I've already covered than I must not have already been effective." This thought tends to be followed by discouragement (like with my nails: a fall of which I still have been reluctant to stand back up from). Why? This discouragement tendency is  because of an internal relationship. Self defeatism. Unable.

Next relevant point to mind is getting ahead of myself. I'm not speaking/writing as one and equal with the living word of myself. And for this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compose words into a statement that is not one and equal as an expression of myself as life.

Here, I realize that I must not go into the reaction of disappointment, discouragement, frustration, giving-up. This is also the mind's expression. I do not allow it to direct me when and as I see it.

OK, another serious point: There is a feeling of instability within my writing. A hazy glaze at times; others, in control, clear, on point. There is a polarity here, and the feeling fluctuates within it.

So, I think I've discovered another layer: feeling good about my writing, insights, realizations, commitments vs. feeling bad about resistance to writing, lostness, not understanding, falling from commitments.

Which then leads me to think that, "have I been messing up? Have I been wasting my time? Am I unable to be effective?" Back to the beginning: Self-doubt

It's not as if I've made no progress, the flag points I've set are in effect and there is indeed overlap between process and real life. I just don't want to compromise myself any longer my making this process secondary to my 'normal' life as a system. I don't want to indulge in the carefree indulgences any longer. I don't want to fail in freeing myself from the cycles of self-abuse.

Writing isn't a magical process. It's simply me with me, moving me to be free. Haha, sounds magical.

In ways I have 'magicified' this process. I have placed it in separation of me in one way or another. I see others that are more comfortable with the self-forgiveness writing process, and somehow I keep seeing myself as behind and needing to get up to speed, but I have only ever moved myself to get up to speed when time presses me. Throughout school, time pushed me to a point of 'must do' for the tasks that I resisted. Why? Because I have been in the routine of weakness, or submission to the guilty pleasure, specifically, guilt from postponing what I know I should be doing.

I've created a fully ingrained habit for pushing aside my work for the fun side of life. Always, I look for chances to combine the two. Sometimes that looks like procrastinating one ask to get other work done. Sometimes I will decide to move into something productive because the task is social in some regard,. where my other-self reflection/definition is on the line.
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I like how I can just flow and write as I would in my written journal for the two years before I started this JTL blog, but I realize that within this style I am just doing the fun part. I've long enjoyed self-discovery. What's relevant here is how I've defined self-forgiveness as not fun. Why? Fear of messing up = writing in separation as if the SF is not real/valid/appropriate/working. Where am I in the the SF statements? I am somewhere in the background, pushing myself to write through the resistance. Yet the resistance is linked to my ineffectiveness of separating myself from the living word....

A cycle. A positive feedback loop. If I do not become the directive principle of my words then why am I even writing the forgiveness? This is a key realization. So not only am I avoiding the depth, but the reason that I am avoiding depth is because of the resistance to process that is me actually/literally resisting process. Like we manifest our fear. Like I manifest my resistance. I didn't even realize that this experience of resistance is also literally me within resistance. I gotta stop this resistance, but first I have to find out where and why. I realize I have a long way to go to get this all out, but going to be with me and do it every step of the way.

Goal: Establish all points of resistance, all related outflows, each feeling/emotional experience, backchat, imagination, each part of me and my experience involved with each one point. That is process.

Bring self back here, and work with self practically through the turmoil and realizations. Breathe through the ups and the downs, breathe through the consequence.

I commit myself to making process a priority of my life. I no longer am going to sit back and wait for process to push me as I have been through allowing myself to wait until the last minute to compose each daily post.

When and as I see myself able to be existing for myself as what's best for me as all, I stop I breathe. Before the next moment comes into play without a full consideration for myself in that moment, I realize that I am able to direct myself and whatever direction I take there is consequence. Will I support what is best for me as life or will I compromise my self / my time?

To be continued...

From this YouTube Interview

Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded

http://desteniartists.blogspot.com

This post is about the point of delay that I've been opening up. Today, I re-experienced myself having idealized intentions (Day 123) and yet not wanting to face myself (Day 112). From one perspective, it seems that I've been failing in overcoming the addiction to delay, but I know this is not a self-supportive perspective. I've experienced this detrimental perspective in relation to my nail biting habit, where I've been afraid to touch that point since falling back into it, having already thought to have cleared it back on Day 16. I'll soon get back to correcting my nail biting as I am realizing just how connected it is to the delay point.

Today, I allowed myself to go into delay because others in my environment are also killing time. My mind goes, "ah well if they are playing games and wasting time, it's ok that I do the same." This thought happens so fast, I mean, I move into the experience of accepting it so quickly that I don't stop to consider this point in self-honesty. Then I go into all sorts of other reactions to my delaying, forgetting how I let myself start in the first place. And then I assume it's too difficult to figure out why I've let myself enter delay, and so going into the overwhelmingness reaction, and then look for different ways to delay. It's like I'm still spiraling out of control (Day 98), and my stopping the whirlwind (Day 99) post was not effective. I realize though: This is a BIG point, or rather a hefty accumulation of a lot of related points. It will take time to sort it all out, but that's why I've committed myself to walking this 7 year path of self purification: My Journey to Life.

My Journey to Self-Honesty.

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Now this post was going to simply be about the one point of Procrastinating Because of Others, but I'm going to delay that until tomorrow because I really want to expand and expound upon the delay pattern. As it is significantly affecting my life and ability to produce, I need to take this head on. And so I write:

Delay points:
following suit with environment as others procrastinating/abdicating responsibilities
perception of having enough time to take care of responsibilities later
"just one more time" - dishonest & unprioritized
delay breeding delay (work inertia)
fear of work/production not being good enough, into delay (needing more preparation)
working on other productive activities not directly related to intended task
"purifying" fingertips
experiences with others - social play time, courting women, etc.
delicious snacks, feel-good foods/candy
     i.e. an early habit of eating cereal to delay going to bed
video games - virtual advancement/rewards
escaping into a mediated adventure (film or tv program)
getting out of bed
general, unnecessary consumption
physical exercise/conditioning
... (if others come up, I'll place them here)

I commit myself to working through each of the above delay points that I've identified within self-forgiveness and corrective application.

The point of self-honesty will be how I determine my pace. Simple question for myself: Am I in delay or am I working towards what's best for all?

For those who aren't clear on what best for all is (and to clarify for myself), it is a matter of establishing myself as stable within being effective to be able to supporting all others as me until the world's inhabitants exist in unquestionable harmony.

Thank you for reading this process.

Day 106 - Living in Delay

I sit down, and after a few moments of thinking about what to write today, boom! I went right into delay. Mind races to find any 'good' excuse to get up and walk away from my computer. First idea, smoke a cigarette, second, go to the bathroom, third, finish doing the laundry, and for that I got up. I emptied my clean laundry into a basket brought it half way up the stairs and realized what I've been doing. IT'S THE SAME MODE I'VE BEEN IN THROUGHOUT SCHOOL. Wait until the last minute, because I can and because I can get lots of unrelated work done when I put off the important/primary work. I've had a consistent pattern of using delay as motivation to get other stuff done. Anything that I would deem important was better than facing the work in front of me.

I'm on a delay kick because it's becoming more and more clear with writing about it. I write that my mind makes diversion attempts to avoid the negative experience of doing work, and the next day I catch my mind doing just that! Writing --> Awareness. Cool.

Thanks to Anna for her vlog response to my Day 105, I was able to really get a sense for the community at large who all share this point of procrastination. So, it is my specific experience of this point that I will write about, as my experience is the composition of the pictures in my mind that must be released. I commit to move myself through the correction within the application of my writing. To stay focused and specific is my goal here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of other viable/justifiable options of behavior when I approach the space to do work, not realizing my mind within polarity, labeling work as negative and frantically looking for a positive experience. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I'm precisely doing as covering up the fears* through delay into a positive reward behavior, like getting other work done or playing with friends, etc.

*Fears = fear of not completing my work sufficiently is primary here, which is strange because through this fear, I have aversion to doing work, causing me to produce work that's often less than sufficient. The fear manifests itself through my participation within it... More investigation on this will ensue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for the activities I choose to do within delaying my primary objective, not realizing that in so doing, I'm compromising myself in being able to work effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself working as negative, and in this hiding myself from the enjoyable flow of work that I have also, often experienced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just procrastinate my work, I can focus on the enjoyment of my positive distractions, and skip quickly past the misery of rushed work, and then focus on the positive reward of having the work done, not realizing that this whole experience is orchestrated by me as a fear of work being a difficult and negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as a difficult and negative experience within an assumption. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an assumption of work as a negative experience before I ever even gave myself the chance to approach the work without bias.

Refocusing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within a distraction without realizing the importance of applying myself effectively within the work that I am avoiding. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why I am in a state of avoidance with the work I choose to delay with distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur my thoughts/feelings and make a hazy decision to delay my responsibilities.


When and as I see myself making a hasty decision to move into a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this form of self-dishonesty renders me ineffective in accomplishing my daily responsibilities. This is not acceptable.

I commit myself to investigating the negative point within facing my work.

I commit myself to stopping the distraction attempts through realizing what they are, and why they pop into mind.

I commit myself to approaching work without bias through a patient process of investigating the nature of the work that I have a reaction to, so that I no longer support my assumption/projection of negativity onto work that I have not yet done.

I commit myself to stop justifying bullshit. Self-honestly prioritize actions, then act.

I commit myself to examining the energies that might take me out of my mode of effectively addressing the work I have placed in front of me.

Photo credit

Related articles

• Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire
• Day 104 - Walking through resistance
• Day 103 - Slowing down process

Day 99 - Stopping the whirlwind

Swirling and spiraling around in energy polarities is an ingrained habit. In my past, I've just turned away from what I couldn't understand, allowing the fluctuation to take me wherever. This is the opening of my self-honest approach to ending the creation of my experience. I can simply experience life without playing up the energy interpretations, and that is what I commit myself to doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost or believe that I am lost within the ebb and flow of familiar patterns of feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the future and so acting in accordance with two separate versions of myself. This causes conflicts when I'm not being honest with myself and others through the realization of the continuity and connectedness of myself here, then, and to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from physical work by going off into the clouds of my head in an attempt to think myself to success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think my way to greatness, and so fall into the habit of dodging/avoiding real responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my secret mind and not realize that this act of hiding is self-dishonest. To be honest with myself and others had been too easily overlooked/dismissed. Absolute, unconditional self-honesty. This is my priority, the new frame work from which I will assess my actions, thoughts, feelings and emotions. If it is unclear, I commit myself to sort it out within writing.

When and as I see myself using my secret mind to create a perception or experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that without thinking to create meaning or make sense, I can rely on the self-honest common sense that is present without cognitive effort. I commit myself to bring myself back the the stability of my breathing, here, when I get lost in my thoughts to the breaking point. I commit myself to push through the fears and face them all, in walking this process with self-honesty. Moving from fear, is vastly different than moving from here.

All for one and one for all, I move myself into the necessary points that must be taken care of. I commit myself to myself, here.

I commit myself to careful consideration of all points, and not just going with the flow of personal 'evolution' through fear pushes.

I commit myself to take responsibility in the physical accomplishing of what I set out to create

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself spiraling into a whirlwind of thought.

I will continue to face this point of letting go of my internal experience creations, and slow it all down to find the starting points. In this, I commit myself to seeking these points earnestly and walking the process of writing myself to freedom.