Falling into such a familiar pattern of justified inaction..it's slightly insane. But what I'm starting to realize is that REAL self change, takes time and dedicated practice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.
Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..
LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.
Getting back to Self for Self -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.
I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.
Then there's Misplaced Authority -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.
I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.
I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.
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During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:
There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.
When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.
I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.
When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.
I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.
In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.
More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.
Showing posts with label excuses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label excuses. Show all posts
Day 406 - Lost in time, lots of the time
There's been a building pressure. A pressure to perform. A pressure to sound coherent, and integrated with all the information in my world. A perception of falling behind ensues. A few moments later, I'm stuck. Everything is ahead of me, and I can't catch up.
Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.
What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.
Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).
What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.
Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.
I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.
I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.
I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.
I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.
I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.
I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.
When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.
I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.
Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?
I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.
Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.
What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.
Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).
What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.
Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.
I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.
I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.
I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.
I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.
I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.
I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.
When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.
I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.
Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?
I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.
Day 360 - Full Circle
360°
When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?
At the beginning. At the starting point.
I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.
The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...
That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.
It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"
So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?
I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.
When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.
photo: deviant art
Day 236 - My Favorite Excuse
Continued from yesterday (Day 235 - Opportunist vs. Excuse Maker) & exposing my favorite excuse:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how I have created polarity within the experience of failure, and only really considered the positive affect of becoming motivated to overcome fear, and suppressing the moments when fear motivates me to run.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
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When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.
When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.
When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.
When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.
I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.
I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.
Fear of failureThe only issue with fear of failure is that it's HUGE. It's central to most of my decision processes. And the forms it takes on like embarrassment, rejection, inability, loss, etc. What I find is that when I am faced with particular opportunities, I will have that experience of "not being able to do it." Before I even realize the experience, I am moving away from it, seeking the next best option that IS doable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing effort into a project that I think I will not succeed at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting time if I fail, not realizing that success depends on failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILURE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR FAILING.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn away or give up on the pursuit of anything that I fear failing at.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I have been cowering in fear when I redirect to a more obtainable goal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have defined myself as one who enjoys a challenge so long as I believe I am able to succeed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become motivated by failure, either to shy away or become invigorated with the challenge.
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| primary memory of positive fear motivation |
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define fear and cowardice as weak, and through that charge have refused to see myself in that light.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate how I am moved by fear in the negative/weak polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the fear within an unconscious statement that who I am is a coward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-judgement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a coward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place fear of failure as an authority and yet still believe that I am greater than fear, not realizing myself as the fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I create the fear, and thus create my reality.
--
When and as I see a movement of fear within me when faced with an opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the creator of this fear emotion. I commit myself to stop simply allowing fear of failure to direct me. I commit myself to acknowledging the fear as equal and one with myself, and through this I decide who I am in that singular moment: self-directed or fear-directed.
When and as I see myself motivated by fear to overcome challenges that I believe I can succeed in doing, I stop I breathe. I realize that this positive version of failure motivation is an energetic polarity of the fear that disables me. I commit myself to facing challenges and opportunities from a stabilized starting point assessment of what is here and what I can practically do.
When and as I see myself defining myself by fear or fearing to realize how I have made a living statement of myself in fear, I stop I breathe, I realize that it takes great courage to admit to fear because admitting fear entails a moment of lack of courage. I commit myself to stop the double dipping of cowardice and start owning up to my fears while being brutally honest with myself.
When and as I see myself turn away from a challenging opportunity because I am afraid to fail and within that waste time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I learn through failure and by allowing fear to direct me away from trying to succeed will result in never trying, and thus never succeeding. I commit myself to fail so that I may stand up strong having faced failure.
I commit myself to spending more time analyzing and decoding my relationship to fear and failure, so that I may steadily work through each layer.
I realize that fearing failure, creates real failure. I commit myself to no longer accept failure within fear. Self-directed failure, I invite. That is how I will grow. Thanks.
wikimedia pic
Day 235 - Opportunist vs Excuse Maker
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| flickr |
Well, I think my problem had evolved over the years as I got used to a stream of great opportunities. I began to expect great deals and accept nothing less. For instance, when I want something that I may be able find used, I go straight to Craigslist.org to find the good deal. As I enter the job market, I have been comparing my time spent working for money against my time spent developing my character.
I watched a cool TED talk today called Why you will fail to have a great career by Larry Smith. Basically, I saw myself more clearly as a person that has dreams, but also as the person who makes excuses to not pursue them as I wait/hope for my lucky break, my perfect opportunity to reach my goals. Quite the wake-up call.
Will I continue to separate myself from reality as a dreamer that doesn't put forth the effort to make my dreams come true? No, I will not. I am done waiting for greatness. I once heard that preparedness is essential to seize opportunity. It's time to stop making excuses and prepare myself for the road ahead.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become accustomed to great opportunities to the degree that I do not act unless a great opportunity presents itself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility to create my own opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be proactive about seeking or creating opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an opportunity because I wasn't prepared.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from reality by identifying with my imagined greatness that was to unfold through opportunity that I projected in my future based on nothing more than pure desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will be fortunate for the rest of my life and that I will not have to work hard because I am good at seizing great opportunities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by only considering my desired careers/jobs/opportunities without establishing a practical means to get myself in that desired position.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time waiting for opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the initiative for creating myself in alignment with my desired opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses so I could remain safe and not risk failing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word failure and allow it to direct my decision process through excuses to not create opportunity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability and so hold myself back from reaching my potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act on safe and obvious opportunities and in this allow myself to become complacent and hopeful of the next opportunity.
To be continued tomorrow.
Day 208 - Unplanned Dayz
Continuing from Yesterday
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get back on track with one breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my potential to get back on track again with one breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try focusing on my breath when I become overwhelmed from being behind the ball.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and defeated when my day does not go according to plan, perpetuating the consequence for a much longer amount of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the familiar excuses and justifications for falling into laziness, instead of realizing who I am within my breathing and moving to write about these reoccurring excuses and justifications for being lazy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my justification process for being lazy is not new, not valid, and can be disintegrated by walking it through this process of release (self-forgiveness) and renewal (corrective application; living commitments).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't have enough energy' to write a post today. Thank Dan, I push myself to write each day, for through this daily JTL writing, I am discovering and releasing patterns like never before. To hell with resistance rendering me inert for the rest of my life.
--
When and as I see myself thinking that "the whole day is wasted" when I am off to a bad start, I stop I breathe. I realize that from my breath I can track why I ended up where I am now. I commit myself to utilizing this flag point: willingness to perpetuate a bad start into the rest of the day; to breathe and direct self to write about what (thought) processes lead me here.
When and as I see myself breathing and going straight back into the just prior thought pattern, I again stop and I breathe. From here, I realize that I must direct myself...and now I realize that without a solid sense of how/why I want to direct myself, it's real easy to go right back into the just prior thought pattern groove. I commit myself to practicing self-direction after each and every STOP & Breathe moment, until I am clear and stable within the process of redirecting the state of self.
When and as I see myself simply accepting the perpetuation of laziness, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not really how I want to spend my time. I am just within an energetic state of ease. I commit myself to no longer accepting the easy life as is. I realize that deprogramming myself will take serious work/effort/commitment. And so, I commit myself to this process of standing up within a breath, and moving from there within an action that is best for all.
When and as I see myself following along with my mentally pulsed excuses and justifications for being lazy in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to end this habit of energetic, unplanned laziness. First, I must write about each thought. As I write, I will get more specific and my self-investigation will yield forgivable self-defining moments. This is the plan.
When and as I see myself feeling too lazy or mentally tired to write a post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is me actually resisting my process as a whole. I commit myself to keep investigating myself within the awareness of the present resistance.
Until I am no longer resisting, I am determined to figure out why, for the sake of letting go of whatever predictive programming I've accepted and allowed to move me for X amount of years. Yeah, here I am.
Day 106 - Living in Delay
I sit down, and after a few moments of thinking about what to write today, boom! I went right into delay. Mind races to find any 'good' excuse to get up and walk away from my computer. First idea, smoke a cigarette, second, go to the bathroom, third, finish doing the laundry, and for that I got up. I emptied my clean laundry into a basket brought it half way up the stairs and realized what I've been doing. IT'S THE SAME MODE I'VE BEEN IN THROUGHOUT SCHOOL. Wait until the last minute, because I can and because I can get lots of unrelated work done when I put off the important/primary work. I've had a consistent pattern of using delay as motivation to get other stuff done. Anything that I would deem important was better than facing the work in front of me.
I'm on a delay kick because it's becoming more and more clear with writing about it. I write that my mind makes diversion attempts to avoid the negative experience of doing work, and the next day I catch my mind doing just that! Writing --> Awareness. Cool.
Thanks to Anna for her vlog response to my Day 105, I was able to really get a sense for the community at large who all share this point of procrastination. So, it is my specific experience of this point that I will write about, as my experience is the composition of the pictures in my mind that must be released. I commit to move myself through the correction within the application of my writing. To stay focused and specific is my goal here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of other viable/justifiable options of behavior when I approach the space to do work, not realizing my mind within polarity, labeling work as negative and frantically looking for a positive experience. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I'm precisely doing as covering up the fears* through delay into a positive reward behavior, like getting other work done or playing with friends, etc.
*Fears = fear of not completing my work sufficiently is primary here, which is strange because through this fear, I have aversion to doing work, causing me to produce work that's often less than sufficient. The fear manifests itself through my participation within it... More investigation on this will ensue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for the activities I choose to do within delaying my primary objective, not realizing that in so doing, I'm compromising myself in being able to work effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself working as negative, and in this hiding myself from the enjoyable flow of work that I have also, often experienced.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just procrastinate my work, I can focus on the enjoyment of my positive distractions, and skip quickly past the misery of rushed work, and then focus on the positive reward of having the work done, not realizing that this whole experience is orchestrated by me as a fear of work being a difficult and negative experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as a difficult and negative experience within an assumption. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an assumption of work as a negative experience before I ever even gave myself the chance to approach the work without bias.
Refocusing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within a distraction without realizing the importance of applying myself effectively within the work that I am avoiding. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why I am in a state of avoidance with the work I choose to delay with distractions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur my thoughts/feelings and make a hazy decision to delay my responsibilities.
When and as I see myself making a hasty decision to move into a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this form of self-dishonesty renders me ineffective in accomplishing my daily responsibilities. This is not acceptable.
I commit myself to investigating the negative point within facing my work.
I commit myself to stopping the distraction attempts through realizing what they are, and why they pop into mind.
I commit myself to approaching work without bias through a patient process of investigating the nature of the work that I have a reaction to, so that I no longer support my assumption/projection of negativity onto work that I have not yet done.
I commit myself to stop justifying bullshit. Self-honestly prioritize actions, then act.
I commit myself to examining the energies that might take me out of my mode of effectively addressing the work I have placed in front of me.
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