Day 454 - Going Deeper, pt.3

Falling into such a familiar pattern of justified inaction..it's slightly insane. But what I'm starting to realize is that REAL self change, takes time and dedicated practice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.

Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..

LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.

Getting back to Self for Self -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.

I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.

Then there's Misplaced Authority -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.

I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.

I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.

I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.

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During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:

There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.

When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.

I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.

When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.

I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.

In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.

More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.

Day 431 - Unfinished Projects

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by the unfinished projects I have ongoing in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT finish projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate until the project gets lost in time, as a way of avoiding my creative responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand all of the mind mechanisms going on under the surface when and as I am avoiding responsibility through procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment of my creation, and through that, choose not to complete a project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irresponsible because of an egocentric fear of judgment, imperfection, and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always seek an easier route, and so create a negative relationship toward responsibility, hard work, and creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to live within my excuses for why I am not getting things done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with media and friends, so I do not have to even face the reality of my creation of unfinished projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for my unfinished work to just fade away, and feel a minor sense of relief when new work comes my way, so I can shift my focus away from the unfinished work, to temporarily avoid feeling the guilt that comes with being self-dishonest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not completing an assignment or project, and then try to hide that guilt, as if that was a legitimate solution to irresponsibility.

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When and as I see myself feeling burdened by all of the unfinished work I have to do, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the only way through this pile of work, is to work it. Avoidance is NOT a real solution and only delays self-honesty for a moment. I commit myself to finish my work, one project at a time.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will be judged by my work, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am going to be judged by my work, as I stand equal and one with what I create. With that said, I commit myself to live courage and strength to complete work that I can stand by for all time.

When and as I see myself dodging responsibility through my typical avoidance patterns, I stop, I breathe. I realize that going down this road is totally my self-saboteur programming, and thus is not what I want to be living. I commit myself to write down a plan of accomplishment for the day, instead of allowing my mind to direct my movement in these moments.

When and as I see myself seeking for the easiest way, I stop, I breathe. I realize that there is a fundamental difference between working smart and efficiently, verses trying to figure out the way in which I can apply the least amount of effort to complete a project. I commit myself to applying my smarts AND hard work, to excel, rather than settle for mediocrity.

When and as I see the opportunity to take on a worthwhile project, and I decide to do it, I commit myself to seriously walk the steps with completion in mind. I commit myself to giving it my all, a real, self-honest effort to complete what I set out to accomplish. To play in this world, I've got to make it count, and until the goal is met, no score goes on the board.

The principle of accumulation doesn't apply if my walk is 0+0+0...

I commit myself to walking the 1+1...until it is done.

Day 416 - Word Critic Bully Character

A little backstory before opening up this character:

While working through level 10 of my vocabulary building program, I came across the word infer, and slowed down to read all the definitions for it because I have long had trouble distinguishing between inference and deduction. This lead to a journey of understanding, aided by the internet and, well, Yahoo Answers. Reading through all the contributions from others, I was definitely starting to refine the boundaries of these two words for myself. Below is one of the more poorly rated answers, but I resonated with it. I thought was a really effective expression of her understanding. Then I expanded the 1 comment, read it, and went through a semi-heavy reaction as I closed the page in disgust of the nasty meanness of humanity online.

I reopened the tab to investigate what this reaction was. Rereading this, O_hutch may have been simply saying that it was funny, and not in a derogatory way. Regardless, my interpretation/reaction of the situation, was such, as to reflect my own nature; and so, I walk the necessary self-forgiveness, take responsibility for my contribution to this uncool aspect of our world/internet culture.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize my understanding of the importance of clear understanding of individual vocabulary words, and create a positive experience attached to perfect word choice and execution, and a negative experience/judgment of fumbling my words, incorrect word use, nonsense - and within allowing my mind to polarize and energize this point, I now see, realize and understand that I am absolutely sabotaging an awesome potential to support myself and those around me, putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.

Scenarios:

- Listen for the definition mismatch when listening to others. This is accomplished by attentively listening to the whole of the other person to get their context and how it influences their understanding/use of particular words, and then comparing and contrasting it to my understanding. Additional cross referencing is often required, as my contextual associations with my words could just as well be misaligned.

- Use my Vocabulary Builder everyday. This is most clearly an expression of putting my understanding of vocabulary to its best use.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my definitions and understandings of words are more clear, more refined, more accurate, and thus judge myself as superior to all around me (straight up ego design), and TOTALLY MISS how others choose their words according to their own understandings of them! It's kind of a..."duh" thing, but this also shows me how stupid and compromising it can be when I let my ego steer my perception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to others superficially and from the narrow vantage point of my current understanding, reactively ready to pounce on/judge others when they speak/write with any word-definition discrepancies to my own; instead of (correction) leveling with others and working to understand why/how they use their words to convey meaning, and resolve discrepancies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be fast and rush through information, and be the first person to correctly interpret what someone means, sometimes even before they finish speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others as intellectual inferiors because of an inflated sense of having comprehensive understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within and through operating from a partial understanding, inflated to seem to me like a better or more accurate understanding. I commit myself to humble myself and see the honesty of me operating within and from a partial understanding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my own understandings, which are actually inferences that I've been making my whole life.

I commit myself to be humble and willing to reconsider everything (311, thanks again for this song)!

I commit myself to actively realizing that we all don't have the same positioning and reach within the English lexicon, and take responsibility for creating shared understanding within what is best for all.

I commit myself to apply active listening to cross reference my initial interpretations and understandings with other potential meanings, especially meanings relevant to the individual speaking. This requires a humbleness and slowing down. Patiently taking in more information than I would normally cruising through my life at mind-speed.

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It's a rather obtrusive personality program in my life, specifically in the realm of communication, which was my field of study in college. Damn, no matter how much I know, I really do need to humble myself and keep learning, all the time.

Bottom line: To have an inflated self-perception of mastery within understanding = not chill.


More to come on: listening, bullying, words, and my life experience. Thanks.

Day 389 - Redefining RESPONSIBILITY for Myself

Continuing from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility because I wanted the "freedom" of having little or no responsibility, not realizing the equation of responsibility = power = freedom. I realize that I've been deluding myself to believe that RESPONSIBILITY is a 'bad' thing...and now that I see the vast implications of this poorly defined word. I commit myself to continue with the redefinition of the word responsibility in my next post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live myself in relation to 'responsibility' without fully understanding what this word means, what I've created it to mean, how I think and feel about the word, and who I am as my expression in the context of 'responsibility.'

What I found yesterday was that my definition of responsibility is tainted with an energetic charge. With just a moment's look at this point, a hazy memory activates where I recall making the choice to desire freedom from responsibilities. As I continue to introspect here, I see how I've attached the word 'restriction' to 'responsibility' where the backchat goes like "Having responsibilities means I'm obligated to do something, and if I don't do it, then I'd get in trouble...better off just avoiding responsibility whenever I can."

Man oh man, Dan. So this is some insight into my current definition of how I live/lead my life when it comes to responsibilities. Thanks for being self-honest Dan. Now I can redefine this word, and accordingly change myself. Now with awareness, I commit myself to creating my self-expression through responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative emotional charge to the word 'obligation' through a polarity equation of the positive word 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've created my relationship toward 'responsibility' through a negative charge in relation to positively charged feelings within my relationship 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must also redefine all the related words to 'responsibility', like 'freedom', 'obligation', 'power', and even 'creation'. I realize there are many words that I have accepted into myself and lived/expressed myself through them without ever questioning my relationship to these words, these foundational building blocks of my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'responsibility' as 'obligation' as negative and so better to be avoided.


Now, I'm seeing another dimension: Being responsible means that I am subject to judgment and criticism from others. "Best to keep my head low to avoid being blamed for doing something wrong," goes the backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, accept and allow the backchat: "Best to avoid the risk of being held responsible for something negative, where others can label me and define me in a negative light."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined negatively by others, through a belief that "if my social network disowns me, then I will not survive." The bottom line here is survival, though this extreme isn't in awareness when experiencing the fear of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I perceive others will judge me as a function that I have no control over. Within this pattern, I assume the worst case scenarios where I am a victim of bullying, and more specifically, social excommunication...so if I keep a low profile and assert myself only when I can be sure that I will be positively judged for my assertion, then I can dodge my fear of ridicule and rejection.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've avoided responsibility in my life because I feared being ridiculed and rejected. This is a dimension of self-insecurity, wherein I am not standing as a pillar of stability within myself. Nope. I have been defining myself according how others see me, and so have shaped my entire social personality around being likable, and within this, I've avoided responsibility because there is more risk for failure, rejection, ridicule, and negative judgement which can lead to not being able to survive or have a great life.

So two main dimensions here:
1) Responsibility is not equal to freedom.
2) Responsibility is being subject to the judgement of others (which I have allowed me to define myself by)

For these points, I forgive myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these statements of self-disillusionment to live within me. I forgive myself that I had not given myself the time and opportunity to write out this whole system/definition of 'responsibility' in self-honesty, so I may from there walk myself through the living correction process.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my definition of 'responsibility' so that I may live and express myself responsibly in the context of what is best for all. This is how I will actualize my utmost potential.

I've now exposed and released my old definitions embedded in the word 'responsibility'. Tomorrow, I will continue with completing the redefinition process, which is also known as: Self-creation.


Recommended additional reading on the Redefining of Word Process:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-116-re-defining-words-to-living.html

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Day 383 - Directing Uncertainty

In my last post, I started investigating my relationship with Uncertainty. Now, it's time to write out the process of changing it, and we'll see if anything new opens up along the way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as my nature in moments of uncertainty, and so allow myself to freeze up, become indecisive, and not take responsibility for directing myself in the situation that gave rise to the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through desiring certainty, confidence, assuredness, safety, not realizing that within this desire, my starting point was a fear-based energy which is not who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the fear-themed thought, not realizing the separation of self within and through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a future projection and become attached to a desirable outcome, such that when I cannot be certain that the projection will manifest, I create a fear reaction that the projection will not manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that living according to future projections is a breeding ground for fear. I commit myself to start shifting into moment to moment, commonsense consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the future projections, wherein the uncertainty of it ever actually happening is a threat to myself as an ego. If failure happens, then I am defined by that failure, and I forgive myself for allowing myself to invest myself into this belief system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself be failures and success, instead of realizing that who I am within failure and success, how I respond to failure and success, is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create 'what if' thoughts to justify a limited existence of myself, such as justifying myself as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "play it safe" when faced with uncertainty, by pursuing only what has a higher degree of certainty. I realize here how I've been taking more risks in other areas of my life to balance out this personality design. Example: Physical adventuring out into the unknown, balances psychological freezing up in the moment of making the first kiss happen. In this I am seeing that my fear of judgement from others weighs heavier in contributing to moments of uncertainty than does matters related to fearing for my physical well-being. This tells me that I still have a strong connection to the self-definition that I've built through the years in relation to other people in my world. This has to stop. I understand that my ego is not who I am, and yet I still fight to keep my ego alive...funny wording. As if the ego is actually alive!..hmmm. I haven't considered that I'm looking at my ego as a separate, living entity. It's an intricate system, yet it produces feelings and fears that feel real in the moments when they arise..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ego is an intricate system that obeys rules that I have set, based on all my past experiences. I have been seeing myself as the ego as living and as superior to myself. I built it. I created it. I want it to last...I AM THE ONE that is making my ego seem alive. I'm giving my life over to it. Wow, it's like the most fascinatingly integrated program ever, but I see it now. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see how I am substantiating my ego with myself through all my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the mind and direct my life from within my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that it is difficult or "impossible" to stop the mind, my trusted program that protects me from exposing myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exposing myself to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend the idea of myself, where if there was a potential for others to see me negatively, I would resist interacting with them to keep my ego/self-image safe from discord. In this play out, I realize that the whole while I have been creating the discord I was trying to avoid, and 'what you resist, persists', so on goes my relationship with the programmed consciousness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into the awareness of what I've been doing to myself to the degree necessary to realize I must stop and change myself in relation to my participation within the mind, fear of judgement.

So the main point that presented itself today was that my specific system within uncertainty is related to fearing judgment of others onto self that would contradict my idealized self-image that exists in my head only, and has been created through future projections and past experiences of ego-validating moments with others. I realize that I this fear of judgement is substantiated in part by my own self-judgements, judgments toward others, and desires to be more than I am. To come: working on expanding my understanding of how and why I created these desire to be more than I am, to be better than others...yes. That's one of my original points walking into Desteni. I was a spiritual researcher, wanting to become enlightened and better than others to teach them all what's up. My ego drive went unfettered by me. This ends here.

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