Day 454 - Going Deeper, pt.3

Falling into such a familiar pattern of justified inaction..it's slightly insane. But what I'm starting to realize is that REAL self change, takes time and dedicated practice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.

Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..

LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.

Getting back to Self for Self -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.

I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.

Then there's Misplaced Authority -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.

I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.

I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.

I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.

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During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:

There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.

When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.

I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.

When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.

...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.

I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.

In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.

More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.

Day 411 - Anxiety and Fear Lead to Indecision

A great friend just recently shared one of his favorite self forgiveness statements from Bernard in a social group chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear - produced for yourself, by yourself - for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act.

This resonated with me because I see me manifesting this indecision in my life, rooted in fear of judgment and ridicule. I protect myself as my ego by not putting myself out there, making sure only to assert myself when I feel comfortable that I'm not going to be judged/defined by others in a negative way. So, there's a fear of loss of social standing/status. Then fear of death is connected through that fear of loosing social acceptance and social support. Wow. It's so interestingly tricky how my fear of judgment is substantiated by fear of death on a deeper layer, and I'm hardly aware of that when the fear is active, and so I miss it, and then don't face the totality of the system, and I'm again being directed by my self-sabotaging mind programs.

I commit myself to walking through the totality of the systems, within and as me, that are holding me back from actualizing my highest potential. I see, realize and understand that it's up to me to drive the corrected living application each day, each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought trains within the dimension of fear of judgment, fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted by others, fear of not being liked by others, fear of rejection, fear of humility, fear of embarrassment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection from fear of judgment to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, and thus not investigate the comprehensive nature of this system of rules that I've been employing to govern myself without having to be fully here, fully present as the real-time decider of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death through projecting the responsibility of my well being on to others. Here, I'm seeing that this was a primary pattern as a young child, when I relied on my parents to ensure my well being. This transformed into some wacky form of adulthood entitlement. Applying specific self forgiveness on patterns stemming from childhood would surely accelerate my process of maturing into an empowered and self-responsible adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of death by coming up with excuses, reasons and justifications for why others are responsible for my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety, and not prioritize the necessary self investigation, so that I may get to the bottom of a given mind system and begin rebirthing myself within the corrected, self-empowered, self-awareness of my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually generate fear energy for me to experience, and accept that as okay or normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my body through this torturous fear energy to make decisions for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions (or not make decisions) within/through and out of FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to make a clear, direct, well considered decision.

I commit myself to creating a space of clarity within myself, to make a direct decision, YES or NO, in a single moment, and stop allowing fear as anxiety to direct me into indecision.

Anxiety has been a big part of my life, so I will continue to walk this process in writing and share myself here. Please leave me a comment if you have any perspectives or questions about this post.

Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance

Yesterday, toward the end of my post here, I opened up an important point. I have known for some time that there is something significant about my relationship to uncertainty, but I'm now moving myself to push through the uncertainty around my relationship to uncertainty.

Let's start with what I do know:

• When faced with uncertainty, a resistance comes up at least partially because the emotion of possibility of failing is accentuated because I am unable to predict a likely outcome.
• Within this point, I am erroneously defining certainty as that which my mind determines to be probably (with confidence) true.
• The uncertainty of succeeding produces an inner experience of being immobilized.
• Why? Because I define myself by my successes and failures (ego/mind level)
• Taking into consideration that my mind can't predict the outcome, I realize that facing uncertainty is inherent within personal growth; implying that solely acting within the parameters of what we know prevents us from discovering anything new about ourselves.
• Why? Because our mind's predictions are based on past experiences....which means that the comfort of certainty promotes only the repetition of our past, limiting our perception of reality, and thus our initiative participation within reality.

Well that opened up nicely. I am even beginning to see how this design functions in a social platform and global platform. Today, I'm writing about just my personal level interaction with uncertainty. This is the first time I've used the phase initiative participation, and it works well to capture a key aspect in my experience of how uncertainty affects my decision making process. To take the initiative in any situation, there must be a clarity, a certainty, especially in relation to the end-goal. Key.

There is a bit of a Catch-22 going on here, but it's not an impossible one. One can be clear and certain of what one aims to achieve, without being clear or certain of the exact process required to achieve one's aim. There could be many ways, but none of those ways will be discovered if one passively waits for the clarity to arrive. There is an active search for the solutions that is needed, which is derived from the clarity of one's motivation. Having a clear 'why' creates the certainty needed to create the resolve to push through all resistance arising from uncertainty. Understanding our motivation is a Key to overcoming uncertainty.

But there's more than just understanding required. There is a relationship between Self and Self's Motivation that needs to be looked at. Then being able to push through uncertainty resistance is also an equation of drive. What drives us? Survival, Success, Pleasure, Pain, Fear. We have to become intimate with our driving forces. Okay, I'm going in a circle here. 'Understanding our motivations' is essentially the same as 'becoming intimate with our driving forces', so this is the point I needed to find. It's our relationship with our 'WHY' that allows us to grow.

Why buy what I'm saying? It's math. There is a certainty that arises from walking the processes. We take the initiative, we figure it out, we press forward. With uncertainty, it's just an emotional excuse we use to keep ourselves from exposing ourselves to potentially ego-shattering information. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to be my ego; and so, protect, defend and preserve this limited self-definition that is my ego. I commit myself 100% to ending all excuse-generating uncertainty, regardless of how the energetic resistance makes me feel. I stop. I breathe. I initiate my participation. Why?

Because I know my 'why'. I have the best interest of all in consideration, and I'm not going to continue to accept and allow an inner, reactive experience, intertwined with a limited, egotistical self-definition, stop me from investigating and navigating the uncertainty required to get to my certain goal.

What's your goal?

How clear is it?

Why are you passionate about this end?

Where is uncertainty holding you back?

Have you taken the initiative to determine the nature of your uncertainties?

I'll continue tomorrow with expounded self-forgiveness and corrective application statements before I open up 'uncertainty' even further. I hope you enjoyed the bacon.

photo credit

Day 371 - Accidental Self Programming

This blog post is a continuation from Day 370 - How to Program Yourself and Automate Behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try an over analyze and make a moment of physical decision more than what it simply is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my intellectualization by further removing myself from the basic facts of what happened and why, and to have instead written my last blog in separation of my experience, analogous to how I had removed myself from the experience of myself for that single moment of observing myself choosing to continue biting my nail in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue within a physical denial of responsibility when I see myself in a self-abusive pattern, specifically in this case, biting my thumb nail.

I forgive myself that I have continued accepting and allowing this automated decision to delay the stopping of my nail biting habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to make the physical changes that I see in a moment of clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will do as I have always done, within this, seeing how I haven't always done this behavior, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this habit more than what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than my automated decisions, creating an experience of inability to change, rooted in fear, and confirming this fear with repetitive failure as I subject myself to the whims of these particular energetic parameters instead of realizing my response-ability to direct myself into and as change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the importance of breathing. When and as I see myself trailing off into a mind-moment, I stop, I breathe. I refocus who I am in my physical body, and I make a decision to live what is best in the context of everything and everyone, including myself and my fingernails.

When and as I see myself biting my nails, I stop and I breathe. I see myself, and I commit myself to immediately take a physical action because I realize that if I hesitate, even for a moment, I give my mind time to spin and take me away from the physical, here reality.

When and as I see myself in a repetitive behavior that I don't explicitly and confidently want as a part of my lifestyle, I stop, then I take a breath and look at how did this pattern originate. If I do not immediately see the starting point, I can be sure that this behavior pattern is an outdated automation that I had created in my past and reaffirmed over time. In this case, I commit myself to take note and put forth the time to write about this experience until I am clear within my understanding of how this program came to be. From there, I commit myself to writing/speaking the specific self-forgiveness and corrective application to support myself in the process of real self-change.

I commit myself to take a close look at the relationship wherein I continually allow myself to not change, even when I see the self-compromise within the pattern. I realize that I have the solution as writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. Expand self-honesty, here. Wholesomeness. Integrity. Self-integrity.

Barring self-judgment, I see, realize, and understand the importance of adhering to true integrity, and I commit myself to move steadfast through my attachments/definitions and limitations that I have accepted and allowed of myself up to here.

Thanks me-I-you-us, for together we stand up for and as the solution.