Day 439 - Writer's Constipation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in any and/or all of my excuses for why I am too busy to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to prioritize my actions with a more fully integrated perspective - cross referencing the bigger picture in real time, so as not to get wrapped up in the emotional moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts on a trail of blame and then move on without acknowledging how I directed that moment in myself and so my external.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand I am = how I choose to respond to the various equations that come up in life.

In realizing my choice is me, allowing a reaction of mind to direct my expression, is a choice! If I am only at best aware of my reactions, I will die in and as the mind consciousness system. I am and only will be of mind - unless, I apply myself diligently with the tools: writing, (sounding) self-forgiveness, correction practice: Live process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to live process in every moment.

I commit myself back to daily writing. (Dan, keep yourself in check; no one's going to do this for ya!)

I commit myself to practice shutting down the thought-replay backchats in my mind more quickly, moving into breath upon awareness, no longer allowing my desire for experience to justify my participation in the mind.

I commit myself to use proper time management techniques, so that I'm effectively attending to an increasing load of responsibilities.

I commit myself to get a little more stern with myself when my justifications for not making time for writing a blog post come up. I stop, I breathe. I organize my time effectively so this priority, writing, happens.

When and as I see myself slipping into blogless days, I commit myself to debunking the justification as soon as possible, and getting back to it. This process means too much, and as one of few who understands this, I have push myself to birth myself in the physical....if you know what I mean.

I still want to hide. Because I'm not fully integrated here. I'm not standing. I'm not the leading example I know I can be. WHY? Let go. Let it all go. That's why. I am holding on to the past.

- - TO BE CONTINUED - -

Day 428 - Unconditionally Walking Process Support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only support myself conditionally in process - based on the preferences of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sleepy when I sit at my computer to work on my DIP course material, and not recognizing this as the veil of resistance it is, and believing that I don't have enough energy to get through it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need more energy to move through resistance, instead of realizing the strength I have within a single breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to walk process only when it's easy and convenient to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the support I receive as inadequate or irrelevant, and so do not slow down to consider what I can learn from anything and everyone in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be arrogant in my process, believing that I do not need to be supported.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm so far ahead in process that I don't even need to support myself! Wow.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to clarify how to walk humbly and express myself within humility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to correct my process-arrogance in real-time, by shifting into the expression of a humble learner, in all cases.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand the consequences of believing that I rarely need to support my process because I believe I can rest easy because I've made the right decisions to get me to where I am now, as if the hard work = the decision to walk process and that's already behind me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that the decision to walk process is here to be made, unconditionally and in every moment.

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When and as I see myself feeling like I don't need to or don't want to walk my process support, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am here to walk process support in all ways, always. This is my decision. I commit myself to make this decision, a living decision to apply myself, within and as my breath.

When and as I see myself beyond or above any potentially supportive information, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can learn or specify my process regardless of what I have walked thus far. I commit myself to be patient and thorough as I move through information.

When and as I see myself believing that I am so far in process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all are here in one process, walking equally, and that while I continue to work and specify my knowledge and application thereof, I only become more effective in my process support. I commit myself to STOP comparing my process to any other individual's process, as there is only one process here.

When and as I see myself believing that I already know what a word like humble means, I stop, I breathe. I realize that just knowing the word is far different from living a word. I commit myself to redefine humility and play with it in my expression until I am satisfied with my living application of this word.

When and as I see myself thinking that I don't need to listen to this or that eqafe interview, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the information coming through the portal is always relevant to me and my process, as the beings coming through are sharing themselves to support us to specify information in many ways, so that we can in turn walk our process more effectively and support what is best for all. I commit myself to listen to the eqafe recordings that come out regardless of the title and description and stop allowing my conscious judgement of personal relevance to get in the way.

When and as I see myself getting sleepy when facing myself in my process, either through sitting to write a blog or download an interview or walk my DIP material, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this energy of resistance can be deleted in a single breath with a simple decision. I commit myself to move myself into that breath and decision, and to not allow resistance energy to prolong my process through the mind. There's many many layers to get through, and I don't have time to sleep more than is required.

Day 411 - Anxiety and Fear Lead to Indecision

A great friend just recently shared one of his favorite self forgiveness statements from Bernard in a social group chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear - produced for yourself, by yourself - for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act.

This resonated with me because I see me manifesting this indecision in my life, rooted in fear of judgment and ridicule. I protect myself as my ego by not putting myself out there, making sure only to assert myself when I feel comfortable that I'm not going to be judged/defined by others in a negative way. So, there's a fear of loss of social standing/status. Then fear of death is connected through that fear of loosing social acceptance and social support. Wow. It's so interestingly tricky how my fear of judgment is substantiated by fear of death on a deeper layer, and I'm hardly aware of that when the fear is active, and so I miss it, and then don't face the totality of the system, and I'm again being directed by my self-sabotaging mind programs.

I commit myself to walking through the totality of the systems, within and as me, that are holding me back from actualizing my highest potential. I see, realize and understand that it's up to me to drive the corrected living application each day, each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought trains within the dimension of fear of judgment, fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted by others, fear of not being liked by others, fear of rejection, fear of humility, fear of embarrassment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection from fear of judgment to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, and thus not investigate the comprehensive nature of this system of rules that I've been employing to govern myself without having to be fully here, fully present as the real-time decider of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death through projecting the responsibility of my well being on to others. Here, I'm seeing that this was a primary pattern as a young child, when I relied on my parents to ensure my well being. This transformed into some wacky form of adulthood entitlement. Applying specific self forgiveness on patterns stemming from childhood would surely accelerate my process of maturing into an empowered and self-responsible adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of death by coming up with excuses, reasons and justifications for why others are responsible for my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety, and not prioritize the necessary self investigation, so that I may get to the bottom of a given mind system and begin rebirthing myself within the corrected, self-empowered, self-awareness of my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually generate fear energy for me to experience, and accept that as okay or normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my body through this torturous fear energy to make decisions for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions (or not make decisions) within/through and out of FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to make a clear, direct, well considered decision.

I commit myself to creating a space of clarity within myself, to make a direct decision, YES or NO, in a single moment, and stop allowing fear as anxiety to direct me into indecision.

Anxiety has been a big part of my life, so I will continue to walk this process in writing and share myself here. Please leave me a comment if you have any perspectives or questions about this post.

Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

- -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.

Day 396 - Why Do I Make Rushed Decisions?

I have a propensity to want to take the fast route, and this is because I've trained myself over the years to do so based on obtaining desires and avoiding fears, namely Self-interest. This training of myself was a process of automating my decisions, so I wouldn't have to put in the effort of discernment when a similar situation arose in the future.

That's a really important insight. congruent

Now recognizing that this decision automation phenomenon works based on the assumption that similar situations that may or may not happen in the future are essentially, exactly the same. Sometimes the past and future situations may be so overwhelmingly similar that we confidently label them "the same," but this experience would primarily serve to reinforce/solidify the misconception that "similar = same." I'd like to propose that this may even be the source of all conflict in the world.

Solution: Slow down the decision processes to nearly the speed of initial learning/integration, allowing us the space and time to bring multiple dimensions into consideration. To have a clean slate going into a decision process, versus utilizing my brain's preprogrammed decisions that really only function according to one or a few dimensions at most. Therefore, creating new mind-programs for the sake of easy decision making in the future is really an obsolete use of the mind. It follows that I can no longer run from the "effort of discernment." I must embrace it.

For as I apply myself more and more in this moment to moment decision making, the process itself will become easier as would anything that is practiced. As the saying goes, 10,000 hours of decision making within here-moments of comprehensive consideration, and I'll be a master decider! :)

I conclude that trying to avoid the "effort of discernment" only perpetuates, if not strengthens, the perception of difficulty within making decisions without preconceptions. I now commit myself to practice making more real-time, moment to moment decisions.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I've automated most of my decision making processes based on what best served me, as a mind, within my past experiences.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive and trust that I am "knowing" because I've had multiple accounts of success while applying my self-pre-programmed decision processes throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the value of putting forth a fresh, unbiased perspective when facing a moment of deciding something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as a central, subconscious justification for collecting knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to circumvent the effort of discernment by accumulating enough knowledge and information that I can trust will guide me through life successfully by allowing (old) knowledge and information to, in essence, make my decisions for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge and information through attempting to collect, gather and store as much potentially-some-day relevant information as I can to free myself from the responsibility and consequences of making decisions myself.

Wooooooooooooo. That's a doozy. *Breathes in*

*Breathes out*

Continuing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superiorize my self-concept based on the amount and quality of the knowledge and information that I possess, quality being determined by the number of experiences of success and being 'right' when employing it.

I believe that it is I who is right, when clearly it was the information that was correct. And practically by luck of the draw, my opinion aligned with fact, and my ego soaks that moment up to create myself within the Arrogant Character. What's really interesting is how the decision to apply past information was really me. The decision was actually made by me, as the mind, as the knowledge and information itself. Goes to show why I would fight tooth and nail to prove I am right...Because I believe that I am the mind/information.

Wow, perception is powerful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the information that I've gathered throughout my life experience.

And, I forgive myself for not accepted and allowing myself to realize how I've created and allowed my mind to automate my decisions and guide me through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue protecting and defending myself as the mind, as information, and I now commit myself to reconsider everything.

I commit myself to flag-point my quick decisions to serve as a reminder that I may be in energy and of mind within the decision. Action plan: Check-in with self, and assess the starting point of the decision. If there is any memory, belief system or a dated mental construct, SLOW DOWN. Strive to bring more into consideration than what feels natural. Breathe.

I realize that decision making will become easier again. Understanding Self-honesty conceptually is a whole other thing from applying/living it. My self-interested, automated and pre-programed decision making within my mind consciousness system needs to be debugged. I have to recode and restructure how I make decisions...one decision at a time.

More on this to come!



Notes for further expansions:
- Impatience Character
- Trust in pre-existing knowledge
- Resisting responsibility
- Opinion as self-defining
- Parkour Philosophy
- Ego-death resistances