Day 451 - What takes FORM?

I wore myself out running around the beach. I came home to eat and write before bed, but I was really tired after leftover pizza.

I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.

I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.

Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!

This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.

While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.

As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.

So, to the point, the big realization:

Clear Decision-Making

is a key to creation.

By asking ourselves the most relevant questions, we can take aim for creation with more specificity. Each question answered sheds light on how best to proceed, but without Self-Honesty, we'll just opt for delusion when faced with getting nitty-gritty of who I am, have become and choose to be.

I didn't make a self-honest decision to skip a day of blogging. I wasn't slowed down, in my body, and considering within awareness, a practical compromise or solution for my predicament. I was running around in my mind, justifying layers of excuses and reasons until I exhaust myself into a consciousless slumber.

A clear decision to rest the body can be a beautiful gift.

I commit myself to becoming more deliberate with my body, my movements, my decisions, my bedtime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the truth of my decisions and actions within a mental whirlwind of justification and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat my body by more considering my own ego's priority system, rather than that of my physical formation.

I commit myself to form deliberately, carefully.

I commit myself to exposing all half-measures and BS justifications within my operating system.

I commit myself to getting really clear, on what takes form in my life.

Day 411 - Anxiety and Fear Lead to Indecision

A great friend just recently shared one of his favorite self forgiveness statements from Bernard in a social group chat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear - produced for yourself, by yourself - for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act.

This resonated with me because I see me manifesting this indecision in my life, rooted in fear of judgment and ridicule. I protect myself as my ego by not putting myself out there, making sure only to assert myself when I feel comfortable that I'm not going to be judged/defined by others in a negative way. So, there's a fear of loss of social standing/status. Then fear of death is connected through that fear of loosing social acceptance and social support. Wow. It's so interestingly tricky how my fear of judgment is substantiated by fear of death on a deeper layer, and I'm hardly aware of that when the fear is active, and so I miss it, and then don't face the totality of the system, and I'm again being directed by my self-sabotaging mind programs.

I commit myself to walking through the totality of the systems, within and as me, that are holding me back from actualizing my highest potential. I see, realize and understand that it's up to me to drive the corrected living application each day, each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought trains within the dimension of fear of judgment, fear of ridicule, fear of not being accepted by others, fear of not being liked by others, fear of rejection, fear of humility, fear of embarrassment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the connection from fear of judgment to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, and thus not investigate the comprehensive nature of this system of rules that I've been employing to govern myself without having to be fully here, fully present as the real-time decider of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death through projecting the responsibility of my well being on to others. Here, I'm seeing that this was a primary pattern as a young child, when I relied on my parents to ensure my well being. This transformed into some wacky form of adulthood entitlement. Applying specific self forgiveness on patterns stemming from childhood would surely accelerate my process of maturing into an empowered and self-responsible adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of death by coming up with excuses, reasons and justifications for why others are responsible for my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety, and not prioritize the necessary self investigation, so that I may get to the bottom of a given mind system and begin rebirthing myself within the corrected, self-empowered, self-awareness of my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually generate fear energy for me to experience, and accept that as okay or normal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my body through this torturous fear energy to make decisions for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions (or not make decisions) within/through and out of FEAR.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to make a clear, direct, well considered decision.

I commit myself to creating a space of clarity within myself, to make a direct decision, YES or NO, in a single moment, and stop allowing fear as anxiety to direct me into indecision.

Anxiety has been a big part of my life, so I will continue to walk this process in writing and share myself here. Please leave me a comment if you have any perspectives or questions about this post.

Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

photo source

Day 358 - Why do I fear making decisions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision. Some of the most prevalent contexts:

• Determining the future direction of my life path
• When my choice might/will cause others to judge me
• To be productive or procrastinate
• Self-interest vs. integrity

Within all my decision making, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by playing the endless skeptic, jumping from question to question without ever realizing my responsibility to stand as an answer. The indecisiveness that follows yields consequences that have had a real impact in my life. To stand within myself as less than the authority of myself is something I wish upon no one.

I was never before taught what it means to stand as an authority within myself. My perspective defaulted to the passive, background observer type. Perhaps this is one of life's lessons that comes in the dark of night or as a punch to the face. For me, I investigated what Desteni was presenting: self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-this and self-that. Self as one with, and equal to, all of existence...still figuring out the implications of that. Through slowly studying the whole message over several years of patience and perseverance, I conquered many of the fears that held my in my passive, background, observer perspective. I stand before myself today with a clear purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will make a correct decision, separating myself from the decision and judging it before I've investigated the outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rule my life from the starting point of anxiously choosing the first option that suited me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I had deluded myself into thinking that by choosing what best serves my self-interest, that I will become superior to others and then be more able to save the world. I forgive myself for never questioning my egoist motives before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having a quick fix or desirable experience, not even considering the consequential outflows.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that aligning my decisions with what is best for all, is also best for me, except here I can lead my life with real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the perceived authority of others and passively agree without considering the common sense stuff  like do onto others as you would have done onto you.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place importance in how other's perceive or judge me because I accepted and allowed that to define me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own self-interest of avoiding negative judgment from peers before the interest of what is best for everyone. I didn't even give myself the chance to critically look at my self-interest in this context. When and as I see myself doubting myself through the anticipated or feared judgment of others onto me, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the authority within myself, and I direct myself through a quantum decision to do what is in the best interest of all.

I forgive my past, so that I may move forward. I embrace my past, so that I may learn. I am here, and I decide to stop all the abusive patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as me. I commit myself to stand up, and take responsibility for doing what is best for all. On a practical level, this means writing, sharing, investigating, writing, sharing, eating, sleeping, working, writing and sharing the perspective that I know works: Standing as an authority within myself to live, to act, to lead with the principle of considering all things and keeping what leads to an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe, to be real, to be here, to stand stable, to practice, to live, to share myself, to express myself, to end irrational fear, to be practical, to finding the win-win-win (me-you-all) solutions in every moment.

There is nothing to fear about decisions when all is considered.

photo credit

Day 357 - The Decision to Decide

A very cool point to consider is who we are when making decisions. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: "Where am I in this decision process?" Whatever language you use to see yourself in the moment of making a decision, the important part is to really consider all the motivating factors. Writing can help to slow things down and open up the space for more clarity in this process. When I don't write out my internal process for making an important decision, I notice I am more susceptible to just go with whatever I feel in that moment without considering all the relevant points.

It's those darn feelings that just come up. They're not typically based in common sense, and it's even less likely that we would realize this simply because we don't consider the common sense when we're just quickly going by our gut feelings. We make many, many, many decisions all day, every day. It would make sense to automate the decision process because then our cognition would be less tasked, and that's what we do. The framework for how we have automated our many daily choices is based on the many memories we have stored where our decisions have resulted in a scenario that is has some positive value for self.

Really consider that for a moment. We've spent our whole lives programming our minds to make decisions for us, based in self-interest as what produces the most favorable outcome for me. Maybe we will occasionally consider a few others in an immediate environment, or perhaps even the world, but if we are self-honest about why we are making that decision, we will commonly find a thread that connects our self-interest within that decision. An example, vacuuming the common area so my roommates will like me/not hate me. This action is even benevolently aligned, but my starting point within it was based in self-interested backchat, a subtle form of manipulation even.

So now imagine having to deconstruct this decision framework and rebuild it with intention. The self-interested decision framework that we've been building for our whole lives, happened pretty much automatically, and why question it? Automated as it may seem, I can remember moments where I created, accepted and allowed a new decision parameter because I benefited from it...NOT because I considered all things and chose what is BEST. My benefit could be as simple as feeling good after eating a whole bag of candy or wasting the whole day playing an exciting video game.

HERE

I must realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make.
I must practice and develop my awareness of who I am while making decisions.
I must answer to every question I ask myself with a thorough consideration of all relevant points.

Draw out a map of consequences if that's what it takes. If I delay my writing my blog until the night, I may end up not doing a blog at all because other things will come up, even excuses like "oh, I just don't feel up to writing right now."

My core point of this is to move self through making decisions. If I'm indecisive, sit down and write. Taking the time to consider what is best for all before making a physically lived decision, is the key here. If I don't decide to decide, I could let life slip right by me while my automated decision frameworks controls every aspect of my (regretful) existence. This relationship to decision making needs to be clear and direct. I will no longer stand by and watch my life play out according to some outdated mind program I created back when. This is a new moment, a new breath, and I commit myself to decide who I am within my decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on how I am best able to get a positive reaction from others so that I will be liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked through the external validation of how others respond to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to how others respond to me, never realizing that I am the one that is actually deciding who I am within each and every decision that I make. For example, I decide to allow my roommates to determine if I'm socially accepted. Through this, I take responsibility for this point of allowing others to tell me who I am, and I correct my self-definition through the process of determining for myself, what I accept and allow myself as.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand who I am within making decisions, and within that, not seeing all the relevant criteria that I should really consider when making any particular decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow and not question my decision process from a self-aware perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the results of my decisions because I didn't want to see my responsibility within that circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear making a decision...

...And this can be opened up quite a lot. To be continued.

photo credit

Day 339 - "I don't know"

When faced with a self defining question, it's pretty damn easy to say "I don't know," but there's a problem: I typically hit a wall here. To parkour this wall. To overcome it. To continue onward and figure out the answer to, let say for example: What am I capable of? I would have to really apply an effort to answer this for myself. I'd first have to understand that I need to give some context before I can assess the question seriously, a step that is not taken when resorting to an "I don't know" response.

In some ways, it's a particular relationship to the phase, where upon saying "I don't know," I also assume that someone else will give me the answer, or dig my psyche to unravel my core issues for me. It's a habit formed from when I was young: Mommy, Daddy what's...why...how? The function of "I don't know" wasn't to hide my inner reality. It was an expression that expanded my world. But now I find myself utilizing this phrase out of habit and in the wrong context. Instead of using this set of words to assist and support myself, I've allowed the habit to evolve into escaping the responsibility to investigate, understand and discover myself.

For clarification, this issue only applies with personal questions like: "How are you feeling today?" or "What's up?" Not questions like what's 37 x 689. To discern when I am being self-honest within "I don't know" there is a simple test: Is there backchat?

If there is a fogginess or background thinking process going on when I speak "I don't know," I can be sure that the statement is not being used as a direct, self-honest expression. Stop. What is my inner reality? What am I thinking in my secret mind? Why am I resisting to share the first answer that comes to mind? Probably, I am protecting my ego. That seems to be trending.

So, if I am to discover my potential, I'm going to have to realign my relationship to not knowing what it is. So far in life, I've placed way too much emphasis on the idea of my capacity without ever testing myself. It's like an imagined, glorified idea of myself in the future vs. the living reality of myself, here. This disconnect, I'm finding is a serious problem. I can't create the life I want to live if I keep telling myself and others that "I don't know." After all, without physically moving to overcome a mental wall of self-limited understanding, I'll just suppress the wall, save it for later and create a temporary perception (of "not knowing" for example) to feel okay for the moment. I no longer accept myself to live in the mind and support the illusion of self-control. I commit myself to walking the physical process of transcending the mind's automated, directive control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can simply reach a higher level of self-control by mentally suppressing my way through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the superior mental idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the words "I don't know" to hide my self-honest expression within my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind a wall of "I don't know" and not realize the dynamic of presenting an illusion of myself to others and myself. In this, not realizing the consequences of compounding self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention and interaction through using "I don't know" as a way to outsource the responsibility of self-understanding and to engage others in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak "I don't know" while having a perception of who I really am in a glorified imagination space of my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that entertaining myself in this way is is only an entertainment and not the reality of myself, even though I like the idea so much and will try to integrate it with who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the physical reality of myself, to verbally claim that "I don't know" who I am, and then participate and believe in the mental idea that best suits me as ego.

When and as I see myself saying "I don't know" with simultaneous backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is an inconsistency, a separation between the physical reality of who I am and the idea of who I am. I commit myself to consider this moment and utilize it for personal insight by checking out why I had chosen to hide behind the words "I don't know."

When and as I see myself participating in a thought or imagination about how I am, I stop I breathe. I realize that if this were a reality of my living expression, I wouldn't have created the thought in the first place. I commit myself to investigating how I can realign myself to live within physical and express myself fully as life in support of an outcome that is best for all.

When and as I see myself mentally shaping who I think myself to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that using the statement of "I don't know" to protect what I think about myself in my secret mind is a way for me to see that I'm not living myself into and as reality. I commit myself to flag pointing the context and/or particular desires of how I would like to be when I hear myself say "I don't know" so that I may walk myself into a point of self-directiveness, here in the physical living reality.

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Day 206 - Freedom Forgiveness & Exploration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom to act how ever I choose in any moment, and thus have created resistance toward decisions that might compromise my ability to act freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of losing control of a situation be it because of forceful consequence or creating discord between self and other(s). This is a huge point that I need to further unpack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to address such a large point as this, not realizing that I can give myself as much time as I need to sort myself out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and race through process from a point of comparison.

Okay. With regard to the 2nd SF statement, why would I lose control of my free will in any given situation? 1. Given: homework, Answer: disconnect between choice and desire through time
2. Given: in a group of peers (playing soccer), Answer: Don't want to let them down / inconvenience them
3. Given: Relationship, Answer: Fear of leaving bad impression

Well, I've sure opened up a lot with just this! Workin' it through:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past choices from my present choices. In this, I see the disconnect occurs because of energy fluctuations: either because the past choice was unstable/energy based, or my present choice is unstable, energy based. So, in the case of doing homework, I defined my choice to go to college separate from myself as breath. I went to college because "that's the standard society expects of me" and "to have a good time (socially)." I can see here my past choice was not for me, but externalized. Also, my procrastination was justified by 2nd intention which was for me (to have fun). Cool. Opening up. Expanding.

For the second and third scenario, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require positive validation/judgement from others to define who I am. This in a deeply ingrained fallacy. I believe most humans have this condition because we are taught in school of the concept: looking glass self (see image #1).  One of the primary components of this concept is, "We develop our self through the judgments of others." (Yeung, et al. 2003). This is not our true self as breathing life. This is our mentally reflected self. So the concept is right, the definition of self is where everything gets messy, especially since Desteni message popped up on the internet.

image #1 (from wikipedia)

Now, I see a connection between all of these above scenarios. Loss of control happens when I am already out of control. That disconnect between my past choice and present choice is not consistently congruent because I was never stable within my choices. The choice was fluctuating based on energy and self-interest. Much like "wanting to have it all," I hadn't realized that I am my past AND present choices, not taking responsibility for all of me. Bam!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to evade the inevitable self-responsibility and accountability of my past/present choices. I now realize that this is a major component of delay/procrastination. Riding the tides of self-interested energy is not practical in reality, and this is how things get out of control. We are out of control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for all of me, all of my decisions; past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is me who has been robbing my freedom.
--
When and as I see myself making a choice that is accompanied by a self-interested, energy fluctuation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all my decisions throughout and across time. I commit myself to writing about when I have not taken the time to consider the consequences of my decisions, for in these moments I can discover the egoist program that moves with energy , delete it, and make room for the best for all choices.

Note: I just took a writing break and was amazed at how much/often I am moved by self-interest energy. I practically commit myself to at least acknowledging them, and I realize that only through writing can I decipher an event, find what are the motivating energies, and release the pattern through self-forgiveness and precise commitments. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the commitment statements seriously, as they are to be a new, written law of self. To be lived practically, in stability. Breath is the point of stability that connects past, present and future.

When and as I see myself resisting the writing of commitment statements because am unsure of my ability to uphold them, I stop I breathe. I realize that the only reason I would do such a thing is because I am not living my words, my words are not purified, rather based in energy. I commit myself to exploring the resistance toward making real commitment statements, and to stop creating energetic/unstable commitments to myself. Perhaps this issue may also pertain to being too general.

When and as I see myself out of alignment with a past decision, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can explore my past decision. I commit myself to giving myself the freedom to create a new starting point within a choice that may have once only considered what was best for me.

When and as I see myself experiencing an energetic low of consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a prime moment of self-investigation. I commit myself to writing about my experience and asking myself: how did I get myself into this situation? What decisions did I make? And why did I make those decisions? After these questions are answered, I commit myself to a steadfast process of releasing the patterns that lead to the unfavorable consequence through self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself (becoming) overwhelmed because of a large point that I have opened up, I stop I breathe. I realize that "the only way to eat an elephant, is one bite at a time." I commit myself to pacing myself within my own process. I commit myself to stop trying to race to the finish of process. Lao Tzu once said (probably in another language): "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." So, like this, I would like to calmly pursue purity of self. To be investigated.

When and as I see myself avoiding or resisting a choice that will limit my sense of freedom, I stop I breathe. I realize that making a decision is not to be taken lightly when the consequences are drastic. I also realize that making decisions based on an idealized energy is an act of irresponsibility within/toward self. I commit myself to becoming evermore responsible within my decision process.

There are many, many decisions made everyday. Will I stand up and vote for what's best for all? Will I accept less within myself? I commit myself to questioning my behaviors/choices that are not in alignment with what's best for all, so that I may see where and how self compromise exists, expose the pattern and walk process accordingly...patiently. There's no where else to go. Give me the time to really see me. Ahh, what a nice gift.

Day 199 - Exploring Indecisiveness

I have had trouble making decisions for a long time, so I can safely say this is a large point that I can't get out thoroughly in one post. I've spent a lot of time these first < 200 days opening up points, and not really sticking to one and walking it through to completion. I aim to become more specific and focused in the coming days, but for now, I continue to expand on what I've found with my initial investigation of indecision.

First things to mind are a fear of the future / making the wrong choice / making less than the best choice for myself. In this I discovered that I have always been primarily considering what is best for me. Anything that ultimately served my self-interest was how I made decisions.

Couple that with doubt / fear of making the wrong decision, and we have indecisiveness. The way I've framed it is a step backward into uncertainty from the perspective that my choice is already made: that which best serves me as a mind consciousness system organic robot human.

So, when I discovered Desteni just over 3 years ago, I went into existential shock and started to fit in the concept of acting in the interest of what's best for all. Had I not been all into spirituality and reading a book called Oneness by Rasha, I probably would have more readily rejected the Desteni message. Anyway, in this transference process of self-honest, self-investigation, I'm finding a lot of crap that I never wanted to ever take responsibility for. Thanks to me as life, I am here, walking out of my mind through breathing and this writing process.

What I have deduced from this little exploration: Indecision can be used as a flag point for self-interest. Best for all decisions are common sense and could be termed "the responsible thing to do." And indecision and mind chatter is likely me fearing that I can't figure out what is the best choice for me.

Interesting. I just ran this through testing: Sit here and write this post vs. Watch a TV show called Touch with my parents. I find that the internal debate is only in mind as thoughts accompanied by feelings. I would like to go watch television and allow myself to relax and enjoy a nice, easily-consumed story. What is best for all is me facing me. I chose to delay again, and I suffer the same consequence of having to miss out on whatever. There is also a distinguishable flow to writing that happens in contrast of the choppy indecisiveness, but I'm not ready to explore this point yet. <- Doubt that I should have ever written that. Almost deleted. It stays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into a mental chatter about should I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the 'wrong' decision as defined by what is not best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can make a wrong decision. There is only the choice of self-honesty in every moment. Do I try to deceive myself within this, or do I do the common sense option.
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When and as I see myself trying to mentally figure out what to do, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am either trying to justify self-compromise, or I am choosing to support what is best for me as an equal as life. I commit myself to further investigating indecision in the context of when it arrives, and to breathe some common sense into all my future decisions.