Day 451 - What takes FORM?

I wore myself out running around the beach. I came home to eat and write before bed, but I was really tired after leftover pizza.

I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.

I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.

Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!

This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.

While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.

As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.

So, to the point, the big realization:

Clear Decision-Making

is a key to creation.

By asking ourselves the most relevant questions, we can take aim for creation with more specificity. Each question answered sheds light on how best to proceed, but without Self-Honesty, we'll just opt for delusion when faced with getting nitty-gritty of who I am, have become and choose to be.

I didn't make a self-honest decision to skip a day of blogging. I wasn't slowed down, in my body, and considering within awareness, a practical compromise or solution for my predicament. I was running around in my mind, justifying layers of excuses and reasons until I exhaust myself into a consciousless slumber.

A clear decision to rest the body can be a beautiful gift.

I commit myself to becoming more deliberate with my body, my movements, my decisions, my bedtime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the truth of my decisions and actions within a mental whirlwind of justification and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat my body by more considering my own ego's priority system, rather than that of my physical formation.

I commit myself to form deliberately, carefully.

I commit myself to exposing all half-measures and BS justifications within my operating system.

I commit myself to getting really clear, on what takes form in my life.

Day 350 - Deliberate Irresponsibility

I couldn't decide between 'deliberate self-sabotage' and 'irresponsible living' for this post title, so I combined the two. Basically, I have stayed up to extremely late hours of the night for the past two nights and for what? Entertainment. Some media shenanigans. To sit down, stare at a screen and wait for a chuckling experience.

I say, "no more!" This is a habit or pattern that I've been integrating into my beingness for many years. Just compounding the escapism. "I'm too tired to work or write a blog, but yeah let's do a TV show mini marathon." There's a similar design in bad eating habits too. "I don't want to eat responsibly because..., but sure I'll have a cookie. Oh that's a nice cookie...one more sounds good. Probably shouldn't have another..."(has another). And henceforth becomes pure denial and self destruction.

Okay. Now the point is here. Ready to be opened up! Reminder: do not move fast & self-honestly assess each and every dynamic that's with in this. First fear - Commitment. To actually walk a point through to completion requires a seriousness within/as the commitment to see it through. This is a fear relationship that I have long avoided. In fact, there are many points that I deliberately avoided because of some fear of loss or attachment that I've defined myself according to. I would get too overwhelmed to try and list them all here in one go, which is exactly how I as ego would approach assessing myself because through becoming overwhelmed, I delude myself into the mess that results when you do not investigate all things thoroughly.

So even now, my tendency is to just start looking for the other fears that are involved in this irresponsibility character I have going on. But ahhh; Till here no further. I stop, I breathe, and I investigate one point at a time.

I commit myself to actually investigating every single aspect comprising my relationship to the word 'commitment'. First and foremost, in the context of accomplishment. Within this, I realize that many dimensions will open up, and thus I commit myself to meticulously record all of what comes up while investigating this relationship to commitment and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing self-forgiveness, and to rather now sleep...

(several days later)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to do what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify on a whim, not being responsible by recklessly overindulging in media to intentionally avoid facing responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately delay responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must eventually, directly face the consequences of abdicating responsibility in a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "I have the time" to waste from within a perspective of ignorance where I do not take into consideration all of those who literally do not have any extra time to spare. The single mother working two jobs to support her and her kids. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am responsible for the single mother of two through my acceptance and allowance of the system as it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am entitled to my financial position in the world.

That's a powerful one. I can't believe that I've had this belief still running in the background. There are some serious implications here, and this point must be realigned within me. I commit myself to realizing and understanding the limitation of myself in the context of all within my relationship to money. It's cool how the money relationship came up here because even though I wasn't expecting it, it's a crucial component involved with abdicating responsibility.

I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move slowly and thoroughly in my process, and within this for allowing a fast movement/reaction into delay and deliberate distraction. This is no long accepted in my life. I commit myself to leading a life filled with good habits in the absence of bad habits. To be more clear, I commit myself to be self-honest when deciding how to spend my time, and when and as I see myself in a pattern of choosing escapism over work, I stop, I breathe.

I breathe again, bring myself back into my body, breathe, and look at where I'm at, who am I here, and what is the bigger picture. Then I make a self directive decision.

More to come. Thanks for being patient with me.

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Day 313 - Taking Breath for Granted (SF)

Continued from:
Day 312 - Taking Breaths for Granted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my breath for granted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too difficult to be aware of who I am / how I behave within each breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions before my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself with activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the self-dishonest nature of deliberately distracting myself, not facing the reality of myself that is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to casually forget my breath, and not take responsibility for  each moment that I digress from the herenessness, into the mental folds, separating myself from the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the perception that my mind's thoughts, feelings and projections are of greater value, thus justifying my separation from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the value I've defined as my mental processes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I think will happen if I just breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what may happen if I just breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself from a starting point of just breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build a false perception of trust in my mental processes, when they are unreliable/unstable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my breath a chance as my expressive starting point.

Living corrective application statements to follow..

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