Day 461 - A friend, twisting my arm

I am stupid.

I have been only deepening my possession in the mind by not writing my blog.

A dear friend, stubbornly lead me to this blank blogger page, after I childishly said "no" ~7 times, he warned me that he we would give up if I said no once more. My tricky, yet effective friend.

I asked him, "ok, now what do I write?"

"I am stupid."

And the ball was rolling. I wrote the second line all on my own, and promised to keep writing.

He kindly reminded me "Self-Trust is based on following through on the promises I make," and we ended the 2-hr call so I could finish the long-overdue post.

I had to wade through so much resistance, it is comical that this effort was successful. I couldn't see it coming. It wasn't self-initiated, which is one of the main reasons I justified the resistance. For if I was not the starting point, then the whole thing must be invalid. It's nuts how effective my self-created excuses can be!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a strict definition of what the acceptable parameters are for me to create a blog post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and nurture my mind, as the excuses and justifications for why I need to limit my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be consistent with my writing process, and if I am not, then I should not write at all - and through this belief, sabotage my writing efforts because even just doing one post feels like a MAJOR commitment, as if writing one post means I have to write all the posts in my future too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future, and create a feeling relationship of BURDEN if I am to uphold the vision I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to operate as this ego-projection, and sabotage my efforts in the moment by thinking that I must commit to something that I do not believe I can do, because I have not done it in my past.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am HEAVILY participating in EGO by seeing myself as my past and my future, and completely missing me, here, in the moment.

I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to the recognition that all I have of myself that is real, is here, in the moment.

I commit myself to remembering that the feeling of insecurity arising from my past, and the feeling of greatness I project into my future, is all BS ego play. I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to opening up my blog when I have something to write.

I commit myself to writing on other platforms when those moments arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should be writing on a different platform, to expand my reach and readership - and within this, create conflict that leads to further justifying and bolstering my resistance to writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing here.

I commit myself to not fear writing there.

I commit myself to not fear wasting my time writing in one spot or the other.

I commit myself to writing in many places.

I commit myself to continue walking my Journey To Life Blog, for me and for all to see.

Thanks buddy.

Day 428 - Unconditionally Walking Process Support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only support myself conditionally in process - based on the preferences of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sleepy when I sit at my computer to work on my DIP course material, and not recognizing this as the veil of resistance it is, and believing that I don't have enough energy to get through it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need more energy to move through resistance, instead of realizing the strength I have within a single breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to walk process only when it's easy and convenient to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the support I receive as inadequate or irrelevant, and so do not slow down to consider what I can learn from anything and everyone in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be arrogant in my process, believing that I do not need to be supported.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm so far ahead in process that I don't even need to support myself! Wow.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to clarify how to walk humbly and express myself within humility.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to correct my process-arrogance in real-time, by shifting into the expression of a humble learner, in all cases.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand the consequences of believing that I rarely need to support my process because I believe I can rest easy because I've made the right decisions to get me to where I am now, as if the hard work = the decision to walk process and that's already behind me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that the decision to walk process is here to be made, unconditionally and in every moment.

--

When and as I see myself feeling like I don't need to or don't want to walk my process support, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am here to walk process support in all ways, always. This is my decision. I commit myself to make this decision, a living decision to apply myself, within and as my breath.

When and as I see myself beyond or above any potentially supportive information, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can learn or specify my process regardless of what I have walked thus far. I commit myself to be patient and thorough as I move through information.

When and as I see myself believing that I am so far in process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all are here in one process, walking equally, and that while I continue to work and specify my knowledge and application thereof, I only become more effective in my process support. I commit myself to STOP comparing my process to any other individual's process, as there is only one process here.

When and as I see myself believing that I already know what a word like humble means, I stop, I breathe. I realize that just knowing the word is far different from living a word. I commit myself to redefine humility and play with it in my expression until I am satisfied with my living application of this word.

When and as I see myself thinking that I don't need to listen to this or that eqafe interview, I stop, I breathe. I realize that the information coming through the portal is always relevant to me and my process, as the beings coming through are sharing themselves to support us to specify information in many ways, so that we can in turn walk our process more effectively and support what is best for all. I commit myself to listen to the eqafe recordings that come out regardless of the title and description and stop allowing my conscious judgement of personal relevance to get in the way.

When and as I see myself getting sleepy when facing myself in my process, either through sitting to write a blog or download an interview or walk my DIP material, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this energy of resistance can be deleted in a single breath with a simple decision. I commit myself to move myself into that breath and decision, and to not allow resistance energy to prolong my process through the mind. There's many many layers to get through, and I don't have time to sleep more than is required.

Day 418 - Blogging Everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my consistency with this blog because I am afraid of not being good enough in the public eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within fear-based thinking when I consider writing a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT orient to the real reasons for which this blog exists: openly shared self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought, "I don't need to blog today."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my process has evolved beyond blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify NOT supporting myself through posting to my daily blog, using nearly any excuse that my mind could come up with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand within excuses and justifications for why I am not participating in life to my highest potential, each day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see me clearly, AND take corrective action to realign my living participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and require stimulus for me to get moving and make the decision to support myself with daily writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "I can't do this."


--

I CAN do this.

When and as I see myself thinking "I can't do this," I stop, I breathe. I realize that my mind is now taking the wheel to steer me down a path of self-disempowerment. I commit myself to immediately stop this thought train, investigate the nature of my resistance, and move through it into an expression of "I can do this."

When and as I see myself formulating reasons, justifications and excuses, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I can be the directive decider of my living, instead of just allowing these classic mind-programs. I commit myself to waling real-time self-forgiveness on the reasons, justifications and excuses that come up in my mind for why I cannot do or be what is best for all.

When and as I see myself participating in any excuse for why I do not need to write my JTL blog, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that this blog will not write itself, and I commit myself to giving my best effort to write something everyday.

When and as I see myself resisting to write a daily post, I stop, I breathe. I realize that resistance arises from fear-based thinking, so I commit myself to exposing these fears to myself and moving through it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow fear to direct me away from writing this blog.

I commit myself to remember the purpose of this daily blog. When and if this isn't clear, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to re-investigate why I started this blog until it is clear again.

I commit myself to continue opening up dimensions related to why I may not (want to) blog every day, like laziness and other flavors of self-interest, until it is clear, and I am here, everyday.

Day 406 - Lost in time, lots of the time

There's been a building pressure. A pressure to perform. A pressure to sound coherent, and integrated with all the information in my world. A perception of falling behind ensues. A few moments later, I'm stuck. Everything is ahead of me, and I can't catch up.

Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.

What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.

Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).

What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.

Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.

I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.

I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.

I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.

I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.

When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.

I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.


Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?

I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.

Day 403 - Editing and Effort

“Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret.”

- Matthew Arnold

In the book called “300 Days of Better Writing” by David Bowman, the author claims this to be likely his favorite quote on the subject of writing. When I was a child, I asked myself what I wanted most, and the answer stuck with me ever since: To understand, and be understood.

Communication is simply the sending and receiving of messages. The written word is a popular and important medium through which communication happens. I have spent several years studying the subject of communication and thus have developed a lot of undstanding and awareness in the field. As a side effect, I've also developed an unhealthy habit of scrutinizing my writing, before I write.

I began removing this form of "writer's block" with self-forgiveness in yesterday's post. Sitting there judging everything I'm about to write before I write can be daunting and often unproductive, and yet, I still want to articulate the concepts I have swirling around in my head in a way that resonates with you, the reader. To accomplish this, I have to put in the effort to improve my writing skills and refine my first drafts when and as needed.

Editing, for me, has been the crucial missing piece. It is the most resisted part of my writing process. For example, I loved procrastinating school papers until the last minute so that I could force myself to have to submit what was essentially my first draft. Looking at it now - it's like I couldn't bare the fact that my writing didn't come out of me perfectly on the first try. And now, i often post blogs without reading what i have written.

So, in light of The Perfect Writer Complex post that I wrote last night, I'm not just going to get sloppy with my writing because I've letting go of this need to produce masterpieces. On the contrary, I'm going to put in more effort to write masterfully.

This is a great example of where self-forgiveness can seem to be a contradiction. Especially in the beginning of my process, I struggled with doing self-forgiveness on positive things. Like girls and music. I loved those things, and to do self-forgiveness on my desire for women and on how good music made me feel seemed absurd. I don't want to stop these things, let alone do I believe them to be wrong...and here's where the erroneous contadiction stems, from this right-wrong polarity construct. How I write, isn't right or wrong. It's more about what I bring to the table.

The key distinguishing factor is how much effort I'm putting forth. To sit and judge my writing before and during the process is the easy way, the mind way. To gather my thoughts, outline, research, draft, and edit - that takes a lot of effort. It's hard work investing the time and effort into the before and after of writing, the preparation and revision processes, but it's a worthy investment. I've been doing the opposite, putting in all my effort, time, and energy into my mind as my inner critic, during the most crucial moment of self-expression. So, I'll further clarify the distinguishing factor to be: How much PHYSICAL effort am I putting forth? Before, during, and after.

Enough rhetoric.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist re-reading and editing my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire my writing to be perfect on the first try, and so resist going back through my writing because my ego might take a hit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with myself when I re-read what I have written and see that it requires a lot of attention and revisions.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to become frustrated when I'm editing my work because I believe that "no matter how much I change it, it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat, "...it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect "...it will never be perfect," with the feeling of overwhelming frustration - and in this experience a defeatedness and desire to give up trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move in the direction of giving up trying when and as I see that my writing requires multiple revisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that it is okay to write a sloppy first draft.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just write and express myself in a natural flow of imperfection, while having full intent to go back through my writing to edit mistakes and refine for enhanced clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about making mistakes and errors while I'm writing my first draft.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not communicating myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself resist and resent the editing process, instead of defining it as a perfectly acceptable component of the writing process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid if and when I do not communicate myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inauthentic when I do not express myself effectively on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist editing because I've defined it to be a separate and optional part of the writing process that requires additional work and time to do.

Redefinition for editing: double checking my work to ensure accuracy when transferring my expression into the written word; a necessary component of the writing process.

I commit myself to re-read every post to this blog before I publish  it.

I commit myself to live my redefinition of editing.

I commit myself to really investigate that which I resist, so that I may expose whatever ego-driven systems that are severely hindering my process.

I commit myself to be accepting of my initial self-expression, knowing full well that I can revise and change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into my writing process.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into all processes of self-expression - proactively investigating particular skills, and retrospectively investigating my expression within self-honesty.

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 382 - Uncertainty Flavored Resistance

Yesterday, toward the end of my post here, I opened up an important point. I have known for some time that there is something significant about my relationship to uncertainty, but I'm now moving myself to push through the uncertainty around my relationship to uncertainty.

Let's start with what I do know:

• When faced with uncertainty, a resistance comes up at least partially because the emotion of possibility of failing is accentuated because I am unable to predict a likely outcome.
• Within this point, I am erroneously defining certainty as that which my mind determines to be probably (with confidence) true.
• The uncertainty of succeeding produces an inner experience of being immobilized.
• Why? Because I define myself by my successes and failures (ego/mind level)
• Taking into consideration that my mind can't predict the outcome, I realize that facing uncertainty is inherent within personal growth; implying that solely acting within the parameters of what we know prevents us from discovering anything new about ourselves.
• Why? Because our mind's predictions are based on past experiences....which means that the comfort of certainty promotes only the repetition of our past, limiting our perception of reality, and thus our initiative participation within reality.

Well that opened up nicely. I am even beginning to see how this design functions in a social platform and global platform. Today, I'm writing about just my personal level interaction with uncertainty. This is the first time I've used the phase initiative participation, and it works well to capture a key aspect in my experience of how uncertainty affects my decision making process. To take the initiative in any situation, there must be a clarity, a certainty, especially in relation to the end-goal. Key.

There is a bit of a Catch-22 going on here, but it's not an impossible one. One can be clear and certain of what one aims to achieve, without being clear or certain of the exact process required to achieve one's aim. There could be many ways, but none of those ways will be discovered if one passively waits for the clarity to arrive. There is an active search for the solutions that is needed, which is derived from the clarity of one's motivation. Having a clear 'why' creates the certainty needed to create the resolve to push through all resistance arising from uncertainty. Understanding our motivation is a Key to overcoming uncertainty.

But there's more than just understanding required. There is a relationship between Self and Self's Motivation that needs to be looked at. Then being able to push through uncertainty resistance is also an equation of drive. What drives us? Survival, Success, Pleasure, Pain, Fear. We have to become intimate with our driving forces. Okay, I'm going in a circle here. 'Understanding our motivations' is essentially the same as 'becoming intimate with our driving forces', so this is the point I needed to find. It's our relationship with our 'WHY' that allows us to grow.

Why buy what I'm saying? It's math. There is a certainty that arises from walking the processes. We take the initiative, we figure it out, we press forward. With uncertainty, it's just an emotional excuse we use to keep ourselves from exposing ourselves to potentially ego-shattering information. And, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to be my ego; and so, protect, defend and preserve this limited self-definition that is my ego. I commit myself 100% to ending all excuse-generating uncertainty, regardless of how the energetic resistance makes me feel. I stop. I breathe. I initiate my participation. Why?

Because I know my 'why'. I have the best interest of all in consideration, and I'm not going to continue to accept and allow an inner, reactive experience, intertwined with a limited, egotistical self-definition, stop me from investigating and navigating the uncertainty required to get to my certain goal.

What's your goal?

How clear is it?

Why are you passionate about this end?

Where is uncertainty holding you back?

Have you taken the initiative to determine the nature of your uncertainties?

I'll continue tomorrow with expounded self-forgiveness and corrective application statements before I open up 'uncertainty' even further. I hope you enjoyed the bacon.

photo credit

Day 381 - Living Life: It's Not So Hard

This post is a general post about several specific instances where I found that applying myself wasn't nearly as bad as I was making it up to be in my mind.

• Public speaking
• Reading a book
• Writing a blog post
• Learning a 'difficult' subject
• Making a sandwich
• Waking up and getting out of bed
• and many other physical movements

In my past, I've avoiding this issue by going with the flow of it. If there was a discomfort in relation to doing or saying something, I wouldn't do it unless there was a really high reward, or a really negative consequence motivating me. Which brings into question: Was I every really making choices, or was I just being continuously swayed by my inner, reactive experiences to external stimuli?

As I've been walking this Journey to Life process, the aspect of my driving motivation has come into question often. I see that I'm moving from a self-interested, zombie-like human being, into a more considerate and responsible human being. Part of that process requires that I push myself to speak and act within an honor and integrity, even if I don't feel like it. So there is a battle between mind-consciousness generated feelings and emotions and other mind-consciousness generated feelings.

This is the nature of the inner struggle. It is the design of polarity that the mind uses to ensnare us in dilemmas that were not ever real to begin with. The solution is to create a structure for oneself. We are only ever a breath away from stabilizing in our physical body. The trick is to realize when we're in the throes of our mind reality, and this is accomplished largely by placing in a structure that serves as a self-supportive flag point to realize who self is in the bigger picture. As soon as the realization hits: STOP, BREATHE.

What I've noticed more vividly in recent times is that when we get to the point of applying ourselves within any physical movement, it's almost never as bad as we've worked it up to be in our heads. So, to begin phase one of implementing a preventative structure, I'm going to walk the self-forgiveness to disengage myself from the magnetic-like adherence of Self to/within/as Mind. Then the commitment statements serve to provide a new set of rules or structure for how I will direct myself when external stimulus comes in, essentially rewriting my inner script with awareness, moving from self-interested self-abuse into self-aware expression of what is best for all life.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my living expression through participating in the throes of consciousness when faced with a physical participation act that I have resistance toward. In this, I realize that the initial resistance is the first sign of participating in the energetic struggle of the mind. When and as I see myself desiring to do something else, something other than what I originally intended to do, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to consider the biggest picture, to sit and write everything out on paper if I must, and to push myself through any resistance-energy that comes up so that I may focus on my responsibilities with the highest priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts that come up as excuses and justifications are valid. I see here that with my self-generated excuses comes a specific energy signature that resonants: "this is true; I am right." Within that, I realize that I am automatically believing the thoughts that come up in my mind because I believe myself to be those thoughts, and I don't want to contradict myself! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to fight for my excuses to be right. Just because they came up first and automatically, doesn't mean that I must obey this initial thought. When and as I'm in resistance energy, and I see myself going into and with my first thought, I stop, I breathe. I remember that I am making a decision of who I am in a single moment. Do I really want to be with/as an excuse? Is that all I choose to express, my own limitations? I commit myself to breathe and sort out my decision process, in retrospect, when I see that I am not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to applying the tool of asking myself: "Is this really what I want to being doing right now?" And answering this self-honestly.

When and as I see myself thrown into the inner consciousness struggle through a moment of fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not an expression of fear, unless I am within and as the mind consciousness system. I commit myself to breathe into my physical body and push through the fear, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I realize that this commitment will require time and constant application. I realize that I will not be perfect in the beginning, and thus I commit myself to allow myself to fall and fail; however, I also commit myself to investigate the timeline of external and internal events that produced that consequence, so that I may walk the self-forgiveness and align the correction within me, so that next time, I am prepared to direct myself despite the energetic draw into a mental self-sabotaging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inner conflict when faced with such a simple task as making a sandwich. I realize that the deeper issue within this is facing uncertainty. This relationship with uncertainty requires further investigation and structure. I commit myself to bringing this point through into writing in a future post. For now, I commit myself to recording the experience and flow of events when faced with uncertainty. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the mind entry point of uncertainty. More on this to come.

I see, realize, and understand that there are many versions of resistance energy. The nature, the experience, how they feel and the perception of the power they have over me - it is all what I make it to be, what I accept it to be, what I allow it to be. Within this, I realize that I must create a structure for each form of energy that scoops me up into a mind-based perception of reality. Every specific instance where I allow myself to become thought, feeling or emotion requires a specific structured flag point. At the end of this process I will only ever exist as a breath, as one and equal with all existence, as a participant who chooses to direct himself and his world within the common sense principle of what is best for all.

Until then, I commit myself to investigate everything and keep what is best.

photo source

Day 377 - The Art of Self-Love

I've not been showing myself the love that I know to be true.

As some of my readers may already know, I've not been so consistent with my "daily" blogging. In the beginning, I forced myself to pump out a blog every day, even if it meant producing a sub-par post. I did this because I was more concerned about proving myself to myself and my readers that I could maintain a daily blog. I realized that I was compromising myself by not giving myself enough time to get to the nitty-gritty of my inner self and mind consciousness systems that I was finding within my being, so I disbanded that external pressure to post everyday (before midnight) in an attempt to produce high quality content.

It turned into a backdoor for excuses to not push through the resistance toward writing publicly. These excuses would transform and upgrade over time. It's imperative to find a system to keep this in check, and that's exactly what I've been missing. Now, this applies to everything and everyone. Whatever it is that you really want to do, but don't - you must do. Why? This is self-love.

Now must be clear that this DOES NOT include the things that you want to do. This is art of self-love is a caring, compassionate, considerate giving of yourself to yourself. It's about what you REALLY WANT, which is nothing short of what is best for all. How do I know that? I've tested it. "Give as you would like to receive" is legitimate. I can't really enjoy myself if I'm in such a state of self-interest that I don't consider the wholesome consequences of my words/actions in the context of the biggest picture.

But here's the interesting part: I didn't realize the format of self-interest that I have been in these past few months. It didn't look like the expected form of self-interest which kind of looks like an egocentric, greedy person in my mind. It was on the other end of the spectrum. There was a new form of financial uncertainty that I was going through and I couldn't see it clearly because I hadn't experienced it before AND because I wasn't writing consistently. Being consistent in any venture is one of the pivotal for success. In the Journey to Life process, it's no different. Consistent application yields quantifiable results.

To do less than everything you can is a sign that you've let resistance determine your self-direction. To be stable and consistent allows an individual to thrive in their pursuit of any goal. What is self-love, but thriving and growing and becoming your highest potential to leave this world better off than when it was when you were born?

See, that's the kicker that us Destonians get. Self-Love is All-Love. Self is Other. You could argue that it's human nature to be self-interested pleasure seeking survivalists, but once you really understand the mind, and yourself in relation to the mind, to support what is Best for All is common sense. To embody and live by the principle of what is Best for All requires a process, hence this 7-year journey to life blog. And what does a process require? Consistency.

--

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have been compromising my self-love by casually allowing myself to go into resistance energy instead of standing stable and walking my process consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine my process by not giving myself the structured commitment to remain consistent in my expression of self-love as self-support through writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to temporarily hide my acceptance of excuses/justifications, so that I could delay being self-honest, not realizing that this seemingly innocent delay of self-honesty is, in fact, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my wants and desires that are a function of my individual satisfaction, before common sense that is rooted in wholesome consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a system of self-application that would support me to be consistent within my process. For example: I started placing my #1 priority into a 'special box' and can only put one priority in at a time. This has helped me stay focused. There are many creative ways to support yourself. Find something that works for you!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences procrastination and inconsistency.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to clearly define each process and the steps I must take first to become successful in my pursuit of what is best.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize the pattern of self-abuse that is not self-love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the importance/value of self-love as less than what it is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to define self-love.

When and as I see myself in a state of inconsistent self application, I stop I breathe. I commit to take a look at who I've been within my recent decisions. I commit myself to create a shift within myself to get back to a physical process which can measured. I commit myself to do what needs to be done to create this alignment with me. I commit myself to always return to physicality and hold myself responsible to do so.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I must more clearly define why and/or how I must move myself to create in the physical reality, I shall do so. I commit myself to clarify uncertainties that allow me to more easily move into excuses and justifications.

When and as I see myself moving within self-interest and denial of the biggest picture, I stop, I breathe in, I hold this breath for 3 seconds, I stabilize myself in my physical body, I stop the energy that urges my involvement, I breathe out, I apply myself in the physical reality through/with/as the principle of doing what is best for all, because I realize that this is what I really want. This is Self-Love.

Day 362 - What Happened to Daily Writing?!

Slip. Fall.

oops. Now what?

Get back up.


Here, I am standing back up to share my realizations, insights, and process through the mind that's gotten me into this position.

I realize now that I can't walk this physical process in my head. Duh, but why did I think I could? I suppose I forgot the whole physical aspect. My starting point and purpose within writing had become muddled and my foundation of self-support was no longer clear. How? The mind. I took stock in my own thoughts. I casually dismissed writing, as I was "too busy." Right. That's like a level one, primary excuse when giving into resistance energy. As I've now personally seen myself, giving into that resistance energy/feeling produced in the mind is not all it seems to be.

When I move according to the demands of resistance energy, I loose my footing in reality. That's what happened to me, at least in part. My physical foundation from which I am able to direct/lead myself as life into an expression of what's best for all, was a world away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trusted that I would manifest my dreams sometime in the future while I repeatedly give my self control over to the mind, instead of realizing my responsibility to direct myself within my mind into physical participation.

Okay, now looking at writing, specifically. Why did I forget about the importance of writing in stabilizing myself  in physical reality? For this answer, I have a poem:

I resisted looking at me
Self-honestly
For what I saw
I didn't want to see.

This is unacceptable, and yet I accepted it within a frame of mind that is my own self-interest. It's awkward that my automated self-interest is to protect me from confronting my fears...as if it was really in my interest to suppress them. That's a reality shattering insight. You get to the point where you see you can't trust your own self-interest, and then what? We write.

You don't "need" support, but you kind of do need it. I could have kept 'running my process' in my mind, and not realize how I was running in circles in my mind, believing myself to be busy, while the physical proof thereof was null. These circles, they are time-loops. A concept I deeply enjoy and have yet to fully grasp. By fully grasp, I mean to understand, to see myself within, to recognize in real time -> stop -> breathe -> move myself in the physical reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the impact that writing has in physicallizing my inner, and giving me the space-time to see me self-honestly. Within this, I recognize that I am holding myself accountable in the words that I see appear before me by my will. This is self-expression in the physical. This is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts, my mind, and my inner ability to organize my external living. I have seen the power of organization through writing in simple to-do lists, in spreadsheets, mind maps, business plans, cooperative agreements. This is where power is!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can still just do it all in my mind. A blind and ignorant ego doesn't help create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the nature and design of my time-looping participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify remaining in the mind through "a need to prepare" before I start living / working toward my aspirations. I'll expand on this in upcoming posts.

I forgive myself for justifying a physical movement, in alignment with other stuff I also have to do, that's initially directed by an internal energy of resistance toward writing or any other primary task that brings up resistance. I've been here before, hence the link. And so I wonder: How many time-loops must I make before I stop and change for real? I must decide this for myself through physical action.

Finally, I UNDERSTAND why the chicken crossed the road...

photo credit: wikipedia

Day 341 - Not allowing myself to walk the physical process

There is a major difference between walking in the park
 and imagining our ability to walk in the park.

In recent times, I've compromised myself by neglecting my daily writing here. There has been a lot going on here on the Desteni Farm, and I wouldn't expect that I would have been able to write a daily post; however, it's turned into an excuse. I found myself justifying my writing resistances through blame.

I'm looking at the resistance I experience when sitting to write: the experience seems to be overwhelming, but in retrospect, I can break down the process of blame and justifications that I use to substantiate the resistance energy. This energy has brought me to rest my head, in my bed, for just a moment...and then I wake up and it's some odd hour of the morning. I've placed myself in a victim relationship and what else have I become other than a victim of my own internal energies.

Enough is enough. I can no longer allow myself to sit and think about how I will be. I live here. The thoughts that come up in relation to my future, my doubts, myself and others are at least one mental step away from the HERE moment. I can't expect to live a life of worth when I'm not physically here to direct myself in a worthwhile way.

Here, I commit myself to walking the physical process of writing, self-forgiveness, and daily participation in all responsibilities, prioritizing and making optimal use of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my responsibilities in way of delay or disregard, acting without priority structure, as I bounce from feeling to emotion within my energetic starting-point movements.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to create and uphold a priority structure in my daily living. Herein, I commit myself to practicing different methods of prioritizing my day, either like a morning routine or a night time planning of the day to come, or any other various methods of physical structuring. This is my new little project. It is an important one, and I must get consistent with my writing again before I can effectively continue this process of understanding myself and then living a corrective application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine that I already know and have all the information to be able to control my future, instead of realizing that life is a movement here, where I must meticulously construct my living application as a principled living that I can stand by for all of eternity, and in this accumulate a self-trust as I live moment to moment. I realize this accumulation of self-trust does not happen as a process of mental gymnastics. It is a physical accumulation process, hence this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of "I can't do this" to passively come up within me and cause an internal reaction or relationship activation of delay, wherein I sidestep responsibility in moments when I am not being pressured by others or how others might judge me (ego/self-judgement).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine my work ethic based on external factors which can vary. I forgive myself that I have relied on others and created myself to function effectively only when in a relationship of dependence. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up as an individual point of self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself waiting for any force to direct me to accomplish anything, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is not a function of standing alone, stable. This is not principled living, rather more like internal, feeling, justification, reaction-oriented living. I commit myself to exposing myself in every way that I find myself waiting or postponing anything, to then open it up and investigate for myself what I am waiting for, and accordingly apply self-forgiveness and corrective application statements to stabilize myself in relation to each point, so as to accumulate the physical-based practice of self-directed living.

Daniel: I stand and walk, OR I sit and slump. The decision that exists ALL the time. The point of seeing my mind and allowing it to dictate how I behave OR seeing myself self-honestly to realize that I need to bring myself back here to direct myself from a physical starting point; and because I want what is best, I align with what is best for all, as all are simple an extension of me, equal as life. What's best for just me is not sustainable. The illusion, no matter how hard I want/try to impose it onto the physical, there is never a specific, real result from my energetic efforts. It's time to get physical and deliberate.

When and as I see myself thinking that "I can't do this," I stop I breathe. I realize now that this lingering thought has some intense consequences. I also realize that to stop this thought, even though it seems like "I can't do it" I must literally stop the thought and change my mind, direct myself within a physical consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing this "I can't do it" in all it's forms and mutations by recognizing it as that last little piece of energy, like a subtle, yet large hurdle that functions to keep me within a resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy and victimize myself in relation to it to protect my ego, and for not realizing how this self-energy relationship perpetuates my enslavement.

When and as I see myself imagining myself at the end of the road, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a physical process to walk, and I commit myself to walking it.

How?

By giving myself every breath to figure out the relevant points in my journey.
Planning.
Preparing.
Adapting.
Parkouring.
One practical step at a time.

Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance

There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.

If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.

So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.

Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.

Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.

When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.

Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.

When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.

When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all.  I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.

I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.

Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.

To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:

Day 316 - Proving Resistance is Powerless

I'm peeling back the layers. The composition of my resistance energy is still not completely understood, and this means that further investigation will be required before I stabilize this stance of self-mastery. I've noted how I move from overwhelmed through a reaction to giving up. Example: "too much work to do > I can't effectively do it all" > delay & distraction. I abandon my whole task list because of an emotional reaction of being overwhelmed. It's utterly ridiculous from the stand point of doing what works. The emotion overrides the common sense application of myself.

Side note on self-mastery: To achieve self-mastery, there must be a self-slave. This is a polarity concept, and when it's participated in and lived, a split personality is created: Self as a Master and a Slave. To live as real self-change, there is only ONE self that acknowledges self as the problem and the solution, and takes the responsibility to move into and as the solution. In this specific case of mastering myself in relation to resistance, I will need to recognize and accept the responsibility of each relevant point that is part of this resistance feeling reaction that I've programmed into my living flesh over the years of participating in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and react by going into a powerlessness character, allowing the resistance energy to be accepted as greater and more powerful than I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the resistance energy through placing myself as a victim of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my resistance as separate and more powerful that who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the solution of pushing / willing myself through the residual effects of my relationship with resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with resistance in separation of it - not realizing this is like feeding the fire, building friction and ultimately giving in to the same resistance that I thought I was fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unknowingly amplify my experience of resistance, through separating myself from it, placing myself in a victim relationship to my own mind, and secretly rooting for the resistance to win so my desire for the distraction can thrive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have not been seriously wanting to stop the resistance because I wanted to indulge in a desire that I was hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the desires I am ashamed to admit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my secret mind to continue on in secrecy because...I am still attached to my ego.

I stop, I breathe.

Today went well. Not perfectly. Tomorrow is another day. Will I allow this writing release to disencumber me for the moment and then allow myself to fall back into the same habit? No. Why, I have been here too many times. Tomorrow will be a reflection with living commitments to self. Thanks.

photo credit

Day 315 - Resisting the Solution to Resistance

There is this emotion, subtle, yet solid. It's a discomfort...an unquestioned discomfort. The issue here is not that I experience resistance. We all experience resistance, until we stop it.

The layers upon layers within layers, hence the title of this post. In my process journal (hand written), I was able to figure out some cool points about how and where I've been experiencing a "lag/snag" within my process. Details next time.

I commit myself to applying myself within my blog more effectively.

I commit myself to prioritize my day within a common sense consideration of all effected aspects.

I commit myself to begin effectively assisting and supporting myself to push through resistance like there's no tomorrow.

Join in blogs to come. This is only the beginning. This is the breath where it all begins :)

Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

source

Most mornings when I do not have to awake suddenly, I allow myself to go through a noteworthy boot-up process. Thoughts that are enticing...they draw me back into my pillow and off into dream world. Actually, this is the primary if not only way I remember my dreams. It's kind of like a morning nap that I choose to do after waking up "too early." I haven't spent too much time considering the effects and ramification of this behavior until recently. Even as I recall the recent times that I was practicing morning thought/behavior awareness, I see that I would become defeated and submit to the strangely powerful force of tiredness.

This is my mind consciousness system booting up.

This morning, I went through this process with an added level of attention. I was even considering blogging about it first thing, but I backed down into my comfortable routine of waiting until the late night to blog. I've been thinking about it all day, which goes to show the detriment of delay. So, I have two points here that I want to investigate. Firstly, how does this boot up process affect my daily routine? Secondly, what would go differently in my daily routine, if I wrote first thing in the morning?

Right now, I'll focus on these initial thoughts about my boot up process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to sleep in the morning from a thought-based starting point excuse/justification, including but not limited to: "no one else is up," "it's too cold," "there's no reason I need to be up right now" - this backchat is not comprehensively considerate of my plans for how I would ideally be spending my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay no attention to and take no responsibility for the decision I make when I go back to sleep in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play victim of tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I create the tiredness energy in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to and empower this sleepiness energy instead of realizing my oneness and equality with it, my own creation, myself.

When and as I see myself about to go back to sleep, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a critical decision moment of who I am. I commit myself to asking myself this question, and being extraordinarily mindful of the excuse/justification/backchat that comes up within resistance to waking up.

When and as I see myself waking up after I've gone through an extra nap cycle in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am again faced with a decision of who I am. Will I continue my day in the absence of of willpower, or will I stop and decide to be the directive principle throughout the rest of my day? I commit myself to write in the mornings. This requires that I bring my laptop with me the night before with an intention set.

I commit myself to consider my daily responsibilities and ideal workload capacity before I simply return to my pillow.

I commit myself to realizing myself as the creator of my morning tiredness, and thus responsibility to awake / move.

I commit myself to getting my life back from the slumber-zone!

To be continued tomorrow ASAP > ASAIA (As Soon As I Awake)

Day 301 - For Real Though, Go to Bed

Last night didn't go so well. It's like I directly disobeyed myself from the perspective of my post yesterday. Given, I had a 90 minute evening nap that kind of messed up my tiredness schedule. I'm not going to beat myself up, AND I'm also not going to suppress the whole thing. That's been a favorite coping mechanism of mine when I've failed in making a self-change in some of my earlier JTL posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress failure.

I didn't get to bed last night until after watching a few episodes of NBC's Revolution, and reading a bit until I  got too sleepy and had to go to bed. This routine of not attempting to sleep until I am sleepy is how I believed myself to be 'good' at falling asleep. The issue isn't really that I can't sleep unless I'm sleepy. The issue is that I misuse my time. In turn, abuse of time results in awkward sleeping patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to sleep when I am not tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am flawed because I cannot sleep at will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time in such a way that my following day is compromised.

Today, when I woke up I was tired but wanted to have a productive day. I resorted to taking a cognitive enhancer commonly known as adderall. I've experimented with this only a few times before in college. I was always weary of it because I didn't want to become reliant on it. Still now, I see myself fearing inability to deal with and face my own mentally created resistance to focused application of myself in doing work. It's not a simple correction...from the perspective of the resistance that is me. From the perspective that is the life that is me, I don't get tired except by design. There's no reason I can't focus on something, unless I allow myself to sway in the mental tides of attention. Thus,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am susceptible to and a helpless victim of the feeling of lethargy. This is when I feel tired, clouded, distracted, or not having enough energy. I realize that my attention is only defined by an energy fluctuation when I allow it to be. I also realize, that I am not going to get a solid grip on ALL of my mental movements (in the form of backchat or thoughts that create these lethargic feelings) overnight; however, I am able to take on one point at a time. I commit myself to walking through one point of self-change at a time, to completion. This specifically entails I do not slip up where I have made a correction and then suppress it and keep going, no. This means that I do not fall without reconsidering my relationship to each relevant point through the writing process. (Meta Alert) This blog is a great example.

I commit myself to begin walking my day more effectively, instead of delaying everything until the last minute, which really turns into not getting things done. Accomplishment 101: Do work, either now or during a reasonable time frame AS AN AGREEMENT WITH SELF. I commit myself to begin assisting and supporting myself with scheduling agreements that are intimately serious and practical.

Recap of working points:
- Go to bed within a mental state of completion, meaning, to have all my affairs in order and prepared for a lively tomorrow. "Prevention is the best cure," they say. I say they're right, and I'm done waking up with no orientation to the work/tasks of the day.
- Sleep when tired, but do not delay sleep.
- Watch fluctuation of attention, and write out the backchat that empowers the resistance feelings and is used to justify a lack of self-direction.

My sleep character is now in my sights. Remember to write out the thoughts that pertain to some aspect of "I can't (stay focused)." This is all me. I take responsibility. And I'm going to press through resistance until resistance realizes that it can't mess with me anymore.

For now, goodnight.

 pic credit