Day 422 - Self-Agreement

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to not go deeper in my relationship to walking process, to investigate the specifics of my application, and cross reference my effort level here with my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my process is not ever guaranteed, and within that, I require to motivate myself, to move myself every moment of every day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I must have a clear starting point in walking my process FOR ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process within ego, as a show for others to see me as how I want to be seen, not necessarily as how I truly am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I can conceal my ego-tainted starting point in walking process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequence creation outflow of walking process within a starting point of ego, and so figure that it's fine, or not a big deal, so long as (some of) my physical decisions/actions are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of principled living by concealing my stand within consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand why I want to walk process for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire to find an easier way to walk process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take 100% responsibility for the creation of my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the principle of a self-agreement, and the process within it of merging and migrating my interests into the interests of what's best for all.

--

When and as I see myself walking process for anyone or any external force, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I MUST factor me into my self-movement first and foremost, and that if I am moving based on how I perceive others need or want me to move, I am not being self-honest, I am not considering me firstly or equally, and rather placing others before me, and so I will create inevitable failure and blame through participating in the illusion of not being responsible for myself. I commit myself to walking fully the correction process for this point.

Bonus link: http://wiki.destonians.com/Process_of_Self

Day 369 - Playing the Fool

Things just got bumped to the next level of serious. I currently now reside in the small town of Medfield Massachusetts in a quaint little apartment house with Garbrielle Goodrow. She and I have recently embarked on a life venture together known as an Agreement by fellow Destonians. I've spent the past few days just settling in: unpacking, adjusting to the cold weather, getting sick, setting up the internet, the basics.

Tonight was unique in two ways. One, I now live with a dog for the first time in my life! Woo! Two, we tested out the Tarot Cards that I had just unpacked from my luggage of goodies. Our starting point was curiosity, but my reason for bringing them in the first place was to find process points we could walk together. By process points, I mean issues or relationships within ourselves that need to be corrected or aligned into a stability that supports what is best for self and all. It turned out to be the most intense, self-reflecting, reading I've ever done.

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just give the highlights that need to be focused on here in my journey to life. The main card that was pulled was the Fool, and all the following cards were to be read in the context of the first card. In essence, the overall message was not good, and the way that I interpreted it all was by seeing the choice to either continue playing the fool in and of my life, or get self-honest and start directing myself to create outcomes that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live a light-hearted and free spirited life, wherein I do not concern myself with real world problems, just enough to survive and support my little world inside my head where I am this awesome person that has nothing weighing me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the outcome of this tarot card reading is inevitable and that I will likely fail in achieving my goals. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to overcome my preprogramming: to act the fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through fearing the playout of my original destiny, I empower it by giving into this fear energy reaction, participating in it, and thus creating a starting point for manifesting it in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear in my self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed by this tarot card reading into a self-compromising belief and self-judgment, instead of simply acknowledging the information and investigating a practical solution within the creation of myself and how I live on a day to day basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my past behaviors. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too difficult for me to actually change myself, to create myself in spite of my preprogrammed destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fears.

Taking all into consideration, I commit myself to no longer fearing my own fears, because within this I realize that I disempower myself to overcome fear and direct myself creation efforts from a clear starting point of here and now, within and as a breath.

Also, when and as I see myself looking at my past mistakes and failures in relation to who I want to be, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not necessarily bound by my past. I commit myself to not judge my past, nor fear it. I commit myself to utilize my memories to see where I might has wanted to do something differently, and then write about it, align the solution within me, and map out how I will walk the correction from now onward, effectively putting the past to good use :)

When and as I see any fear building up within me, I stop, I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go willy-nilly about my world creating outcomes that started from an internal starting point of fear. Within this I realize that I must become more specific with each exact fear to effectively stop this process of mental programming creation. And so, I commit myself to get specific with the fears that still hold me back from unconditional self-expression, and release them through the process of self-forgiveness and corrective application. I commit myself to flagging all fears for processing as such.

When and as I see that I am desiring to live a care free life, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this luxury is not available in our current world system for anyone AND everyone. Therefore, I commit myself to putting in the man-hours to ensure that I am adequately supporting myself financially, and then putting the extra man-hours to contribute everything I can to the creation of a world system that supports what is best, from birth to death, for all.

Day 362 - What Happened to Daily Writing?!

Slip. Fall.

oops. Now what?

Get back up.


Here, I am standing back up to share my realizations, insights, and process through the mind that's gotten me into this position.

I realize now that I can't walk this physical process in my head. Duh, but why did I think I could? I suppose I forgot the whole physical aspect. My starting point and purpose within writing had become muddled and my foundation of self-support was no longer clear. How? The mind. I took stock in my own thoughts. I casually dismissed writing, as I was "too busy." Right. That's like a level one, primary excuse when giving into resistance energy. As I've now personally seen myself, giving into that resistance energy/feeling produced in the mind is not all it seems to be.

When I move according to the demands of resistance energy, I loose my footing in reality. That's what happened to me, at least in part. My physical foundation from which I am able to direct/lead myself as life into an expression of what's best for all, was a world away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trusted that I would manifest my dreams sometime in the future while I repeatedly give my self control over to the mind, instead of realizing my responsibility to direct myself within my mind into physical participation.

Okay, now looking at writing, specifically. Why did I forget about the importance of writing in stabilizing myself  in physical reality? For this answer, I have a poem:

I resisted looking at me
Self-honestly
For what I saw
I didn't want to see.

This is unacceptable, and yet I accepted it within a frame of mind that is my own self-interest. It's awkward that my automated self-interest is to protect me from confronting my fears...as if it was really in my interest to suppress them. That's a reality shattering insight. You get to the point where you see you can't trust your own self-interest, and then what? We write.

You don't "need" support, but you kind of do need it. I could have kept 'running my process' in my mind, and not realize how I was running in circles in my mind, believing myself to be busy, while the physical proof thereof was null. These circles, they are time-loops. A concept I deeply enjoy and have yet to fully grasp. By fully grasp, I mean to understand, to see myself within, to recognize in real time -> stop -> breathe -> move myself in the physical reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the impact that writing has in physicallizing my inner, and giving me the space-time to see me self-honestly. Within this, I recognize that I am holding myself accountable in the words that I see appear before me by my will. This is self-expression in the physical. This is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts, my mind, and my inner ability to organize my external living. I have seen the power of organization through writing in simple to-do lists, in spreadsheets, mind maps, business plans, cooperative agreements. This is where power is!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can still just do it all in my mind. A blind and ignorant ego doesn't help create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the nature and design of my time-looping participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify remaining in the mind through "a need to prepare" before I start living / working toward my aspirations. I'll expand on this in upcoming posts.

I forgive myself for justifying a physical movement, in alignment with other stuff I also have to do, that's initially directed by an internal energy of resistance toward writing or any other primary task that brings up resistance. I've been here before, hence the link. And so I wonder: How many time-loops must I make before I stop and change for real? I must decide this for myself through physical action.

Finally, I UNDERSTAND why the chicken crossed the road...

photo credit: wikipedia

Day 346 - Prioritizing Purpose

Continuing from Day 345 Aligning Purpose with Participation.

To sum it up in 3 words:  Best for All


In my own words, this means applying myself to do what is best in the context of everything, all points considered. This is seemingly a tough to ridiculous standard to hold oneself to. Now why is that? Ahhh, that is the question. To be or not to be, principled and living in equality?

I have experienced much difficulty in living the principle of what is Best for All consistently. Walking with Desteni for some time, I've reached a level of knowing that it's physical process to become a constant expression within what is best for all. A physical process takes time, but in the mind, I can think about myself rather quickly. This inflated view of oneself (ego) is just like anything else that becomes inflated: It pops. The illusionary bubble pops when the physical reveals what is reality.

So this idea that living a life in alignment with what is best for all is something difficult or impossible, is the result of investing in the idea of oneself in and as the mind. We as minds don't want to see oneness and equality for many reasons. Check for yourself. (Prompt: Why don't I want to see oneness and equality?)

When and as I see myself out of alignment with what is best for all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am the director of myself, and that even the energies, feelings and emotions that I give in to is an acceptance and allowance of self as less than these energies. I commit myself to realizing the physical reward while letting go of the energy addiction that leads to procrastination.

This is where prioritization comes in. I had previously mentioned the importance of mapping out purpose in the physical, but what's more is that the priority system that must be used to discern what would bring the most benefit all to all must be based on the physical. When looking at priorities, there are many dimensions that once can take into consideration, and this is why 'Best for All' is so nice to work with. We check the alignment of purpose in a comprehensive and physical context, rather than the all too common, blind following of our own mind-energy movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my directive power to my mind by doing what I feel I want to do, instead of considering reality first, as my starting point for self-movement. When and as I see that I am feeling powerless to the desire to procrastinate, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am a physical being, living by the laws of energies that I have programmed throughout my life, and I commit myself to breathing and dissipating that energy, and walking the physcial process of bringing my self-directive will into full application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I must slow down and break down the physical process of moving myself in a context that MATTERs. When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed and unable to continue working toward my physically based, higher purpose, I stop I breathe. I realize here that I can redefine my problem, my context, and whatever I am facing in a moment by stopping the energy participation and having a real look myself in a physical reality context. Within this, I commit myself to mapping out my priorities to make sure that I am effective (first thing's first) and not compromising myself by just feeling my energy experience, and not having a comprehensive consideration of all relevant points.

Within all of this. I realize I am taking on a good chunk of my personality makeup. I commit myself to walk slowly and thoroughly through all of this, to not get ahead of myself and go into an energy reaction of disappointment/discouragement/self-defeat (another system that does not serve what's best for me or all. Mark for deletion.)

I commit myself to seeing my physical purpose, and prioritizing accordingly. The point of resisting the actual doing/work of each prioritized point is another system, of which I now commit myself to clearing, purifying. My mind no longer is allowed to direct me when I'm working on my physical reality purpose points. See ya!

Thanks.

DesteniArtists

Day 337 - Competition Breeds Ego

An interesting point came up today. My relationship to competition is well developed by this point in my life. I didn't ever spend the time with metacognition, thinking about how I think, in relation to competition. Now that I am considering this point, I can certainly see how I've been competing from a starting point of self-interest, fueling my ego. Let's unpack this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am supporting my ego when I go into competition with another human being.

Define ego: The glorified representation of myself created in my mind. A selective self-definition. Who I am as my desires for myself. In this, my ego defense is a reaction to undesirable information about self in relation to others. I deal with this information by skipping over it, suppressing it, ignoring it, or humility. I will dig more into ego-defense in posts to come. For now, I'll just say that humility is not my initial, automated reaction to negative information about myself.

Another dynamic: Entering into competition is hardly a choice. I've automated the selection of my battles to reduce the risk of losing in an ego confrontation.

Also, when I am losing a confrontation, I will fight more recklessly to avoid the humility of defeat. This is done by standing my ground by perceptually up playing the weight of my argument, and not recognizing the other person's perspective as greater than or equal to my own, unless there really isn't a comeback that would trump the opponent's point. This is more from a conversational competition.

In a physical competition, again, I selectively participate in 'games' that I think I can win at and simply "do not like" games that I don't perceive a threshold of confidence that I will achieve victory. Now, victory isn't only defined in the context of another person, but also in relation to surpassing prior skill level. This is likely because with steps toward mastery, I will get ahead of the competition as a general entity of all possible competitors. Not to say that there isn't a dimension of physical enjoyment within the challenge of developing aptitude.

So, then there is this notion of competing with myself...verses collaborating with myself. Why am I inclined to fight with myself to better myself? I fight with others to 'better' them, I so often justify with a subtle thought based relationship that I created in my 'unknown' past. To restructure my methodology and application of self-support, I must first identify who I am now, and what I will become through change, then the rest is just a process.

In the context of self-support, I challenge myself to grow. Sounds great. Looking at the patterns and relationships in this, I see that there is a significant amount of self-judgement and/or fear of failure. When my ego battle is within myself alone, it can be very definitive. Bad = I am bad. Good = I am good. There is a feeling and emotional charge. This polarity and friction must arise out of a separation of self. How? Imagined, ideal self vs. the reality of self. Here is a key.

Success and failure emotions are created within the context of the idealized self. Furthermore, an ideal is limited by thoughts based on memories. How do I even know what I could become if I am spending all my time chasing an ideal copy of only what I've seen in my little set of past experiences?  And even furthermore, the past thoughts that have arisen out of relationships to past events and experiences have all been constructed within a starting point of self-interest. Ego.

Solution:
By participating in the throws of mind as thoughts, feelings and energy, I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my past successes and failures. The possibility of growth is very narrow, and at that, stinted by the fear of failure. I must realize how to collaborate with myself, until I really realize and embody the oneness and equality within and of myself, here. To not judge myself, but rather recognize the desires and fears as the primary internal motivation sources that I've so long obeyed without question. To walk with my breath. To live based on principle, not just what feels right and wrong alone because how can I trust my self-programmed reactions when they're based in such a limited context of a handful of personal experiences? I can't. A limited context = a limited response to the situation.

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of desire and fear when faced with an ego point, a point that I would take personally. Here, I stand and stop. I do not allow myself to limit myself to the confines of personal experience based perception alone. With the principle of equality and oneness, I commit myself to giving as I would like to receive: What is BEST, of course.

Disclaimer: Walking realizations into physical application takes time and practice. Give self the space to change. Understand what a process is. Have fun with this physical challenge.

pic credit

Day 326 - Feeling & Information Dissipation

When I woke up this morning, I had just exited a dream world scenario. It was interesting because I had just written about a dream yesterday, and today's dream was related to a point I had opened up a day before (Day 324) about trying to protect myself through acting out worst case scenarios in my imagination first.

The dream was about some big bald guy that was coming to take away our two new kitties. I think we had called some service to take them away for some reason, but I didn't trust him. He took on cat and loaded it into his car, and I started to throw a fit. I broke his entire trunk door off, and he got pissed. He started to come after me with some weapon, and I began going through a set of various playouts for how I would survive / counterattack.

I think I was starting to wake up at this point because of  how I was going through various endings, trying to find the best end to this violent interaction. I took note of the synchronicity with my writings the day before.

cc flickr

If I were to analyze this dream, I'd say that I love kitties! But that's not what I want to talk about here. I'm interested in how I was so emotionally into this dream, and then it just faded away throughout the day. This happens with most dreams, but it got me thinking this time. When I was getting on to my computer to write this post, I could hardly remember the dream, and the feeling of it had completely dissipated.

Then I think, "this happens with real life events too," and that connection got me really curious about the nature of emotional experiences and mental storage.

As I reflect in real time, I see myself moving within the now for the most part. The majority of my past events seem to go in line with "time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future.." I just keep moving, and the past is the past. My willingness to look at my past and see who and how I was is avoided. I haven't ever before seen a reason to really face my past self: That was then and this is now! And the now just mattered more to because it's where the power lies. That a different topic...but related at the same time.

The pattern that is emerging is how I am not considering my past with an equal weight as I consider myself today. In other words, I believe who I was then is less than who I am now. Interestingly, I also believe my future self to be more than I am now.

To realize oneness and equality of self alone, this separation of self through time is not going to hold up. I am going to have to really realize that my past is the building blocks of me today, who is shaping my future. All parts are the same person. All one. I find it interesting also how I worded that sentence, "I am going to have to..." which implies that the responsibility of realizing and implementing self-change through realization is pushed onto my future self. This won't work. And this seems to have been a common theme in my process so far.

This is the insight I was driving at, I just didn't know it. Past present and future self need to unite. And that's what's been missing. That's what I am to do. I will describe how tomorrow, but as a warm up, I'll end today with this example. By placing myself as my tomorrow self, I am taking responsibility now for who I am tomorrow. In posts to come, I'll be developing my sense of accountability for who I have been in the past as well. I'm genuinely intrigued by this retaliation here today. Excited to see how it plays out.

Because there is still a chance that this information and feeling (intrigued/excited) will dissipate into my the past. This is my window. Tomorrow I decide if I time-loop. To hide from this realization will require a new fold of self-dishonesty that I am not willing to accept and allow.

See ya.