Day 373 - Consistency is KEY: Realigning What I Want

So there is this point that's been opening up for me in my past few blogs (Day 372, 371 & 370), and it just keeps getting better. It is becoming increasingly apparent how exactly I'm automating my behavior, how I subscribe to a particular repetitive choice. A new dimension opened up for me just a moment ago: This feeling of need to finish what I've started.

I typically shame myself for not finishing what I start, and I've for a long time reconciled this personality flaw by calling myself "overly ambitious," which is really just a fancy way of saying 'lazy'. The more I dig at this point, the closer I get to locking in that unifying solution, that complete picture. But even here, I see myself standing in separation of the solution, placing myself structurally 'in need' of a grand solution, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding my self-responsibility to enact the commonsense best for all solution in moment by moment living.

Moment to moment: herein lies a great key to success. Why do I get caught up still in projecting an idea of success and then become anxious about how to get there? Why do I focus so much attention on fear of failure? Am I really so caught up in defining myself by external event/judgments? Is it not obvious that moment to moment, consistent application is all that is required?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach the goals that I see myself achieving, because in this, I am placing myself in separation of that achievement and thus am in relationship to it. This relationship is oriented through desire and/or fear, 'what ifs' and whatever energies that I am most comfortable participating with in my mind to keep me from stabilizing myself here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the here moment is the only moment where I may live as I want to live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diffuse my ambition through a cycle of mental participation, instead of realizing my responsibility to create in the physical in the one, here moment.

Specifically, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I can't do this right," "I don't know what to do," "I don't know how to be successful."

Ahh, I'm caught up in the how...classic mistake. What is my why? Why do I want to be consistent and achieve success? Do I really even want to make a success of myself? YES, so why not make a movement right now to define my hows and get it done. Translate my ultimate why into smaller, more practically applicable steps, and make them my habit.

This is the power of habit creation! What is the 'why' behind my bad habits? Forgive them. Why do I want the good habits, and why aren't I acting now to achieve my goal? Find the resistance points. Forgive self for accepting and allowing these self-created limitations to put a damper on my deepest motive. Live the correction immediately.

I am an expression of physical material in every moment. The trail I leave is composed of my every physical action I make within Earth's Journey through space-time.

What do I stand for? What is my ultimate why? And why am I not living every moment consistently in alignment with this?

A taste of my investigation. Hope you've enjoyed.

flickr photo credit

Day 352 - Back on Track

cc

Ahhh 'tis but a mere decision!

The process of application is that decision. Meaning that it's not a win-lose relationship when trying to change oneself. If I have a goal or a task in any given moment, then it's not to stand in a relationship of separation to the completion of that movement. It is a movement, period. Failure just indicates that that I'm in a process of learning how to not fail. If I have a self-judgment relationship to failure, then it's rather natural to get down on myself and compound the consequence of that failure OR simply suppress that failure so I don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance.

So, let's say I want to start writing my blog again on a daily basis. If I can and do not, then I have a particular relationship toward it that is not supportive of what is best for all. To be able to do what is best for all, it is a simple matter of choice. And when that is "difficult" then I must investigate my relationship to the task (i.e. blogging, nail biting, etc.) and/or the alternative activities that I choose to participate in during a moment of weakness / not feeling like doing the original/intended task.

If I am to restructure my habits, I need to slow down and really consider what works and what doesn't. To just go with the flow of doing what I feel like doing, I am not standing as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a relationship of being okay with not directing myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I look back on the memory of my day and see that I did not do what I really wanted to do, but instead just chose to keep myself busy and avoid my daily goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be a loser in an ultimate sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate moments of failing to stay on task and then define myself by those moments. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a winner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the polarity of success and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am directly responsible and obligated to making decisions that are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this process of self-perfection is a decision alone, not realizing that a decision is substantiated with action and follow through.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistent application of myself within a decision is how to create self-directed habits and to stop the reactive habits that have accumulated through memories and relationships to past events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a perfect man, and thus sabotage myself by suppressing everything contradictory to that idealize self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than able to change myself, not realizing that is actually really only me who must stand and take the responsibility to change myself.

See, I once had a thought (many times, actually) that with just the decision to walk process was all I had to do. Just like getting on a roller coaster, once I put on the seat belt, my efforts were finished. I now realize that this process of writing myself to freedom is more than just a single decision. Yes, the decision is crucial, but the self-movement in alignment with that decision is just as important.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe the process of realizing myself in the context of oneness and equality, as all life, would be easy, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself when I realize it's not.

When and as I see myself recklessly pursing activities unrelated to my responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, am responsible to stop and make the decision to get back on track. Within this I realize that this decision is only as valuable as the actions which substantiate it, and so I commit myself to just doing what needs to be done in the moments that I have available.

When and as I see myself abusing my available time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I chose to be here. I commit myself to not get frustrated with myself in self-judgment, but to rather focus on the solution as self-change.

When and as I see myself as a failure, I stop I breathe. I realize my obligation to investigate my acceptances and allowances. I commit myself to investigate the patterns that lead to self-abuse. I commit myself to doing what is necessary to grow as an individual that effectively contributes to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stay on track, and when I'm off track, to immediately get back on track. I commit myself to walking process steadfast, to get up after a fall, to not allow what I've allowed to perpetuate self-abuse.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my habits.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to revolutionizing this reality.

Day 337 - Competition Breeds Ego

An interesting point came up today. My relationship to competition is well developed by this point in my life. I didn't ever spend the time with metacognition, thinking about how I think, in relation to competition. Now that I am considering this point, I can certainly see how I've been competing from a starting point of self-interest, fueling my ego. Let's unpack this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am supporting my ego when I go into competition with another human being.

Define ego: The glorified representation of myself created in my mind. A selective self-definition. Who I am as my desires for myself. In this, my ego defense is a reaction to undesirable information about self in relation to others. I deal with this information by skipping over it, suppressing it, ignoring it, or humility. I will dig more into ego-defense in posts to come. For now, I'll just say that humility is not my initial, automated reaction to negative information about myself.

Another dynamic: Entering into competition is hardly a choice. I've automated the selection of my battles to reduce the risk of losing in an ego confrontation.

Also, when I am losing a confrontation, I will fight more recklessly to avoid the humility of defeat. This is done by standing my ground by perceptually up playing the weight of my argument, and not recognizing the other person's perspective as greater than or equal to my own, unless there really isn't a comeback that would trump the opponent's point. This is more from a conversational competition.

In a physical competition, again, I selectively participate in 'games' that I think I can win at and simply "do not like" games that I don't perceive a threshold of confidence that I will achieve victory. Now, victory isn't only defined in the context of another person, but also in relation to surpassing prior skill level. This is likely because with steps toward mastery, I will get ahead of the competition as a general entity of all possible competitors. Not to say that there isn't a dimension of physical enjoyment within the challenge of developing aptitude.

So, then there is this notion of competing with myself...verses collaborating with myself. Why am I inclined to fight with myself to better myself? I fight with others to 'better' them, I so often justify with a subtle thought based relationship that I created in my 'unknown' past. To restructure my methodology and application of self-support, I must first identify who I am now, and what I will become through change, then the rest is just a process.

In the context of self-support, I challenge myself to grow. Sounds great. Looking at the patterns and relationships in this, I see that there is a significant amount of self-judgement and/or fear of failure. When my ego battle is within myself alone, it can be very definitive. Bad = I am bad. Good = I am good. There is a feeling and emotional charge. This polarity and friction must arise out of a separation of self. How? Imagined, ideal self vs. the reality of self. Here is a key.

Success and failure emotions are created within the context of the idealized self. Furthermore, an ideal is limited by thoughts based on memories. How do I even know what I could become if I am spending all my time chasing an ideal copy of only what I've seen in my little set of past experiences?  And even furthermore, the past thoughts that have arisen out of relationships to past events and experiences have all been constructed within a starting point of self-interest. Ego.

Solution:
By participating in the throws of mind as thoughts, feelings and energy, I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my past successes and failures. The possibility of growth is very narrow, and at that, stinted by the fear of failure. I must realize how to collaborate with myself, until I really realize and embody the oneness and equality within and of myself, here. To not judge myself, but rather recognize the desires and fears as the primary internal motivation sources that I've so long obeyed without question. To walk with my breath. To live based on principle, not just what feels right and wrong alone because how can I trust my self-programmed reactions when they're based in such a limited context of a handful of personal experiences? I can't. A limited context = a limited response to the situation.

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of desire and fear when faced with an ego point, a point that I would take personally. Here, I stand and stop. I do not allow myself to limit myself to the confines of personal experience based perception alone. With the principle of equality and oneness, I commit myself to giving as I would like to receive: What is BEST, of course.

Disclaimer: Walking realizations into physical application takes time and practice. Give self the space to change. Understand what a process is. Have fun with this physical challenge.

pic credit