Day 373 - Consistency is KEY: Realigning What I Want

So there is this point that's been opening up for me in my past few blogs (Day 372, 371 & 370), and it just keeps getting better. It is becoming increasingly apparent how exactly I'm automating my behavior, how I subscribe to a particular repetitive choice. A new dimension opened up for me just a moment ago: This feeling of need to finish what I've started.

I typically shame myself for not finishing what I start, and I've for a long time reconciled this personality flaw by calling myself "overly ambitious," which is really just a fancy way of saying 'lazy'. The more I dig at this point, the closer I get to locking in that unifying solution, that complete picture. But even here, I see myself standing in separation of the solution, placing myself structurally 'in need' of a grand solution, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding my self-responsibility to enact the commonsense best for all solution in moment by moment living.

Moment to moment: herein lies a great key to success. Why do I get caught up still in projecting an idea of success and then become anxious about how to get there? Why do I focus so much attention on fear of failure? Am I really so caught up in defining myself by external event/judgments? Is it not obvious that moment to moment, consistent application is all that is required?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach the goals that I see myself achieving, because in this, I am placing myself in separation of that achievement and thus am in relationship to it. This relationship is oriented through desire and/or fear, 'what ifs' and whatever energies that I am most comfortable participating with in my mind to keep me from stabilizing myself here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the here moment is the only moment where I may live as I want to live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diffuse my ambition through a cycle of mental participation, instead of realizing my responsibility to create in the physical in the one, here moment.

Specifically, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, "I can't do this right," "I don't know what to do," "I don't know how to be successful."

Ahh, I'm caught up in the how...classic mistake. What is my why? Why do I want to be consistent and achieve success? Do I really even want to make a success of myself? YES, so why not make a movement right now to define my hows and get it done. Translate my ultimate why into smaller, more practically applicable steps, and make them my habit.

This is the power of habit creation! What is the 'why' behind my bad habits? Forgive them. Why do I want the good habits, and why aren't I acting now to achieve my goal? Find the resistance points. Forgive self for accepting and allowing these self-created limitations to put a damper on my deepest motive. Live the correction immediately.

I am an expression of physical material in every moment. The trail I leave is composed of my every physical action I make within Earth's Journey through space-time.

What do I stand for? What is my ultimate why? And why am I not living every moment consistently in alignment with this?

A taste of my investigation. Hope you've enjoyed.

flickr photo credit

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

source

This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.