Day 434 - Take Care

The simple task of taking care of oneself is so often overlooked. It's like we're so busy in our lives and in our minds that we don't slow down enough to consider taking good care of our own body. The priorities get all shifted around. Sleep?..nah, rather hang out with friends or watch television. Exercise?...tomorrow. Proper diet and nutrient intake?...I don't even know where to begin.

Sleep, diet and exercise. The magical trinity of physical health and resilience. Let us all take a moment to reflect on our current relationship to these three human modalities...



Ok.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue sleep/rest because I've gotten away with minimal sleep in the past. Here, I see, realize and understand that I'm unnecessarily placing myself into a survival mode in dragging myself through long days when I do not sleep very much. I commit myself to creating a regular sleeping pattern for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under prioritize getting all of my dietary needs because I've gotten away with eating poorly in the past. Here, I see, realize and understand that I'm setting my older self up for a rather unfavorable situation, while my daily self is subtly compromised as indicated by my energy levels, moods, ability to fight off germs, et cetera. I commit myself to learning what it takes to eat a balanced diet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exercise irregularly because that seemed to always just work out fine. Here, I see, realize and understand that I was initially required to do sports by my parents, and that most of my physical activity has simply been a byproduct of how I like to have fun. I commit myself to establishing a regular exercise regimen for myself, all things considered.

Taking care of myself can be so much more enjoyable if I'm not just doing the bare minimum to survive. I challenge you to take on one or more of these areas of your life and make just a small change for the better. Care is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and each other. I commit myself to thoroughly redefining care in my daily self-support, and gradually expanding my living application of care interpersonally, and eventually, globally.

Day 424 - Disregarding Time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay up really late into the night.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be self-honest about the consequences of staying up till the wee hours of the morning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can get away with very little sleep, when the reality is that I will sleep longer into the coming day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay my daily blog until the end of the day, and then feel bad when I don't or can't finish it by midnight.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to squander the extra time I have each day from sleeping less than the average person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore when my body is telling me to go to sleep.

-- and the real issue here --

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch back-to-back episodes on netflix in total disregard of time, and not see, realize or understand the direct consequences of disregarding time.

--

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing auto-play to so easily propel me into the next episode, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am making a decision here, and auto-play is not to blame. I commit myself to decide beforehand - how much time I want to spend watching television before I begin.

When and as I see myself staying up late into the night, I stop, I breathe. I remember to check myself, honestly, to consider if what I want to stay up late doing, is worth the trade off of time I'd otherwise have in the morning. I commit myself to considering my hours in the day within equity.

When and as I see myself believing I am special in my ability to stay up late and wake up early, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I'm not special, as many others sleep even less than I do. Within that, I realize that I'm limiting my potential by making myself special through comparison. I commit myself to apply the tool of humility and access the awareness of incredible potential of each hour, of every day.

Until next time...

Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

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Day 307 - Falling Back to Sleep

Today marked the second day of experimenting with my morning boot up process. The investigative intention that I held today was slightly less charged than it was yesterday (interesting to note).  Still, I was mindful and taking careful notice of what went on in my head. I half rolled over to quickly check my emails on my phone, but there was a pretty persuasive energy drawing my head back to my pillow. I allowed it, BUT under the condition that I would be paying even closer attention to how I move within its effect. I even cracked a smile as I submitted to the energy with intention, trying to justify the act as further investigation, though while also aware that by laying back down = exactly what the energy's purpose is.

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Realizing this kept me alert enough to not actually fall back to sleep. In under 5 minutes, I willed myself upright and I tried to clear that strong feeling of go back to bed / lay down with breathing. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. I struggled a bit, but I was up and moving before I was completely cleared of the head fog.

I titled this post Falling Back to Sleep because my day was overall less productive than the day before. It reminded of one of those past days of sleeping in and waking up with no intention/direction. My first thought as I sat down to write today was, "why?" and I associated it to how I woke up and gave into the energy while trying to circumvent the consequence through an "upgraded" justification. I believed that waking up in that groove of mindfulness with submission, flowed out into the rest of my day. But, during this writing, I also realized that my physical to-do list was not filled out for the day. In contrast, yesterday I had filled up my to-do list with more than I was able to complete the night before.

That 'slightly less charged' intention energy that I had noted at the top, that must be related to my empty day. I didn't give myself any direction the night before. To test this, I will try planning my day the night before and compare it to how effective I am by applying an intention the night before to plan my day when I wake up. I already know that when I don't know my day plan for tomorrow, I can easily continue to "not know," and my whole day lags, similar to how today went. This will be a test of self-honesty within intention, planning, and follow through. Creating a heightened sense of continuity between days has been a goal of mine. Glad to be working the angles on this point.

So, I'm pretty sure that I've narrowed down a critical relationship that needs to be purified. Join me tomorrow for a brief wake-up report, and I'll dive into how I've related to the word 'intention'. Note: I have written down morning plans, starting with 7:30 yoga.

Intense-ion

In-tents-e-on

Intent-see-on

Points to investigate

• Setting intention
• what is the starting point / the why
• Following through on intention
• resistance > intention?
• intention < self-agreement?
• Who am I without intention
• directive / responsible vs. aimless / carefree / ?

Day 305 - My Earliest Written Blog Post Yet

For some context, check out Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

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This is the earliest blog that I've ever written. I my eyes opened at 7:57. I followed productively oriented thought back to sleep. Two minutes later, I awoke with an answer, though, it was not a spectacular arrival of insightful information. It was more like an intentionally hidden answer, so that I could excuse myself into sleepy, head-resting thought for just a little longer. (It had to do with listing something on eBay, needing a white backdrop and not knowing what I could use..."my bed sheets") The point is, I could have easily found a solution through a giving the question my full, alert attention.

I continued to ask myself questions that I can't recall exactly (even though it was 20 minutes ago). All the questions seemed to come from a genuine curiosity, while at the same time leading to a rewarding inaction. That's a new concept I haven't identified before. Basically, the indulgence of thought while morning tiredness is in full swing. I would ask the questions as a means to stay inert. The questions would also be aligned to genuine curiosity. This allowed me to justify my choice to continue resting / fall back asleep.

The actual process of awaking only happened as I started asking better questions, more in align with 'why am I still resting?' I looked at my laptop that I carefully placed within reach of my bed. This triggered my intention to wake up and write, so that I could get a better sense for why and how I delay my wake up process.

I still do not fully understand the effects that sleeping in has on my day, and I still am unfamiliar with what it feeling like to intentionally disparate the tiredness energy within a breath awareness. These two will be points will come next. Working with what I got so far:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I can find answers to my problems if I ask myself while falling back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can find better / "more real" answers by consulting my slumber self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the nature of how I operate in the mornings when I fall back to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to remain physically inert in the morning wake up process, and allow my mind to take me away into an answer searching experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my self-directive responsibility within the morning tiredness energy, effectively starting my whole day off with a vague/subtle understanding that "I am just going to go with the flow today," suppressing the urgency to begin working on my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my thoughts for granted instead of realizing I have a choice to remember my breathing and direct myself here.

When and as I see myself resisting waking up, I stop I breathe. I realize I am the creator of my reality. Will I allow the energy of tiredness direct me in the morning, or will I live here, in absolute responsibility for myself in that moment of choosing how I want to experience myself. I commit myself to realizing my self-responsibility in the very initial moments of awareness when I awake.

When and as I see myself thinking about a question that I will try to answer as I fall back to sleep in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can answer my own questions without trying to dream up answers. I commit myself to actually breathe and give myself a moment to self-responsibly decide if I can wake up and answer my question-thought or if I actually would like to enter into dream world. If that's the case, I will write immediately upon waking up to solidify my dream findings, and attempt to validate if it was a worthy venture, comparing it to if I had just woken up and began writing first thing.

When and as I see myself feeling tired / lazy / unwilling to get up and start my day productively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by submitting to this feeling-energy, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to become in control as a directive principle in and of my life and to stop merely reacting to my mind as soon as I awake.

When and as I see myself taking my thoughts for granted, as in thinking and not thinking twice about it, I stop I breathe. I realize that these thoughts are reactions to and activations of other thoughts. I commit myself to stop, breathe, and regain control of my ability to decide who I am in a moment. If I fall and do not make the responsible, best for all choice: investigate all the dynamics that lead to that decision.

Ok Dan, enjoy the day. I'll report tomorrow about how my day differs having done my blog post earlier in the day. Thanks for reading me.

Day 304 - Morning Boot Up

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Most mornings when I do not have to awake suddenly, I allow myself to go through a noteworthy boot-up process. Thoughts that are enticing...they draw me back into my pillow and off into dream world. Actually, this is the primary if not only way I remember my dreams. It's kind of like a morning nap that I choose to do after waking up "too early." I haven't spent too much time considering the effects and ramification of this behavior until recently. Even as I recall the recent times that I was practicing morning thought/behavior awareness, I see that I would become defeated and submit to the strangely powerful force of tiredness.

This is my mind consciousness system booting up.

This morning, I went through this process with an added level of attention. I was even considering blogging about it first thing, but I backed down into my comfortable routine of waiting until the late night to blog. I've been thinking about it all day, which goes to show the detriment of delay. So, I have two points here that I want to investigate. Firstly, how does this boot up process affect my daily routine? Secondly, what would go differently in my daily routine, if I wrote first thing in the morning?

Right now, I'll focus on these initial thoughts about my boot up process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go back to sleep in the morning from a thought-based starting point excuse/justification, including but not limited to: "no one else is up," "it's too cold," "there's no reason I need to be up right now" - this backchat is not comprehensively considerate of my plans for how I would ideally be spending my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay no attention to and take no responsibility for the decision I make when I go back to sleep in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play victim of tiredness energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I create the tiredness energy in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to and empower this sleepiness energy instead of realizing my oneness and equality with it, my own creation, myself.

When and as I see myself about to go back to sleep, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a critical decision moment of who I am. I commit myself to asking myself this question, and being extraordinarily mindful of the excuse/justification/backchat that comes up within resistance to waking up.

When and as I see myself waking up after I've gone through an extra nap cycle in the morning, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am again faced with a decision of who I am. Will I continue my day in the absence of of willpower, or will I stop and decide to be the directive principle throughout the rest of my day? I commit myself to write in the mornings. This requires that I bring my laptop with me the night before with an intention set.

I commit myself to consider my daily responsibilities and ideal workload capacity before I simply return to my pillow.

I commit myself to realizing myself as the creator of my morning tiredness, and thus responsibility to awake / move.

I commit myself to getting my life back from the slumber-zone!

To be continued tomorrow ASAP > ASAIA (As Soon As I Awake)

Day 301 - For Real Though, Go to Bed

Last night didn't go so well. It's like I directly disobeyed myself from the perspective of my post yesterday. Given, I had a 90 minute evening nap that kind of messed up my tiredness schedule. I'm not going to beat myself up, AND I'm also not going to suppress the whole thing. That's been a favorite coping mechanism of mine when I've failed in making a self-change in some of my earlier JTL posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress failure.

I didn't get to bed last night until after watching a few episodes of NBC's Revolution, and reading a bit until I  got too sleepy and had to go to bed. This routine of not attempting to sleep until I am sleepy is how I believed myself to be 'good' at falling asleep. The issue isn't really that I can't sleep unless I'm sleepy. The issue is that I misuse my time. In turn, abuse of time results in awkward sleeping patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to sleep when I am not tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am flawed because I cannot sleep at will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time in such a way that my following day is compromised.

Today, when I woke up I was tired but wanted to have a productive day. I resorted to taking a cognitive enhancer commonly known as adderall. I've experimented with this only a few times before in college. I was always weary of it because I didn't want to become reliant on it. Still now, I see myself fearing inability to deal with and face my own mentally created resistance to focused application of myself in doing work. It's not a simple correction...from the perspective of the resistance that is me. From the perspective that is the life that is me, I don't get tired except by design. There's no reason I can't focus on something, unless I allow myself to sway in the mental tides of attention. Thus,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am susceptible to and a helpless victim of the feeling of lethargy. This is when I feel tired, clouded, distracted, or not having enough energy. I realize that my attention is only defined by an energy fluctuation when I allow it to be. I also realize, that I am not going to get a solid grip on ALL of my mental movements (in the form of backchat or thoughts that create these lethargic feelings) overnight; however, I am able to take on one point at a time. I commit myself to walking through one point of self-change at a time, to completion. This specifically entails I do not slip up where I have made a correction and then suppress it and keep going, no. This means that I do not fall without reconsidering my relationship to each relevant point through the writing process. (Meta Alert) This blog is a great example.

I commit myself to begin walking my day more effectively, instead of delaying everything until the last minute, which really turns into not getting things done. Accomplishment 101: Do work, either now or during a reasonable time frame AS AN AGREEMENT WITH SELF. I commit myself to begin assisting and supporting myself with scheduling agreements that are intimately serious and practical.

Recap of working points:
- Go to bed within a mental state of completion, meaning, to have all my affairs in order and prepared for a lively tomorrow. "Prevention is the best cure," they say. I say they're right, and I'm done waking up with no orientation to the work/tasks of the day.
- Sleep when tired, but do not delay sleep.
- Watch fluctuation of attention, and write out the backchat that empowers the resistance feelings and is used to justify a lack of self-direction.

My sleep character is now in my sights. Remember to write out the thoughts that pertain to some aspect of "I can't (stay focused)." This is all me. I take responsibility. And I'm going to press through resistance until resistance realizes that it can't mess with me anymore.

For now, goodnight.

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Day 300 - Correcting Sleep Patterns

For as long as I can remember, I've spent the majority of my nights in a silent fight with myself. The basic idea was to postpone falling asleep as long as I can, to make full use of my time at night. Why was the nighttime special to me? It was time I had to myself.

Primarily in a family setting when this habit formed, I enjoyed social interaction during the day, but when the late evening arrived and everyone is doing their own thing, I would go into learning and work mode. It seemed the best way to use my time, and through this I developed an emphasized value on the late hours of the day. The results: Many late nights due to saving / delaying my work until the night & I utilized these late nights for self growth and understanding. It was opposite of how I perceived my peers and family to be. This inflated my ego superiority through "I am investing my free time into understanding whatever I am curious about." In college, most of my free (night) time to myself disappeared, and I doubled up on social time. This caused me to react and subtly define social time negatively as "social distraction." Now, I am for the most part free of obligated time structure, so I have full responsibility of my schedule. For the first time, I get to observe myself spending time throughout the entire day without anything to blame but me.

What have I found? I haven't made the changes I want to see with any amount of consistency.

What do I want? To spend my day time effectively and start respecting my sleep cycle.

How? Through self-corrected living application of course!

Why? Because fighting sleep usually means unpleasant mornings that can put  my whole day in a slump.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to sleep very much and thus can afford to postpone sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between how/when I fall asleep and how/when I wake up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I'll sleep when I die."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special because I can get by with less sleep than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am cool and special because I can stay up the latest and rise the earliest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the nighttime hours more than other daytime hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take ownership of and be responsible for how I spend my time in every moment, through blaming others for my daytime social preoccupation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that I utilize the night hours best in being the most productive then, when the reality is that I am not always productive in the nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by maintaining a routine of mental alertness and increased work ethic only at nighttime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reserve only the nighttime for self-introspection and self-growth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's too difficult to blog during the day because I am not forced to do it just yet. This is a subtle delay justification that I'm not very conscious of, but nonetheless, has a powerful effect. This one point of delay justification has been defining me too heavily and I will not continue to allow it to dictate how I do what when!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my sleeping habits until now.

--

I commit myself to begin watching when/how I fall asleep and when/how my wake up commences.

When and as I see myself postponing my blog/work until nighttime because "I don't have to do it yet," I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself, my process, and so the entire process of the human race, in that one single moment of "I don't have to do it yet." I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer utilize this excuse design of putting off work and abdicating self-responsibility in each and every moment.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself to stay awake longer, I stop I breathe. I realize that sleeping might be whats best for all, for providing myself adequate time to rest will allow me to be fully ready to walk an effective day tomorrow. I commit myself to embodying the realization of continuity between days and respecting the sleep cycle as an equal and one value of time spent. Till here no further do I hide the connection of my tomorrow from my today. No more do I allow myself to distract myself instead of going to bed.

From here forward, I will be mindful of my sleeping habits, and I commit myself to on the fly correction when and as I see myself abusing my nighttime.

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Day 299 - Doing one thing, Thinking about another

The concept of thinking about 'other' stuff when one is doing something else: it is a quandary. While enjoying the morning sunshine, I was thinking about this concept and amused by my meta-ness. I realized that this type of separation from the moment here is widespread and pervasive. I also made a connection to self-doubt: If I was confident that I can and would do all that I need to do when I'm doing it, I would have no impulse to figure out what to do in advance.

Elaborating with an example: Here I am. Thinking about the near future. Why? I don't trust my future self, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty, I am worried/anxious, and it can be a source of motivation for the initial movement from here.

These are the initial justifications that come up supporting separation. Lacking self-trust, relationship with uncertainty, anxious/worried, and practical motivation. It's interesting to look at it now and see all the different movements, whereas in the past when I've seen myself doing one thing and thinking another, I would just focus on that practical motivation justification and dismiss the investigation with "well I must think about what I'm doing next." I realize now that many of my wandering journeys into thought are brought into motion by deep seated personality dynamics that I've spent little to no time investigating. So if I don't want to be a particular personality that manifests from a subconscious layer, I must give myself the time to map that personality and discover the inner workings of it/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the totality of myself behind a single justification and not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emphasize and stop at the contemplative solution that makes sense and requires no further effort or self-change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I can't give up my daydreaming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to think about the future because if I do not, then I will do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can accomplish what is already on my to do list, given that I have allowed myself enough time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am worried and anxious when I begin thinking about what I will do later on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uncertainty I have of myself, my direction in the future, and what that implies: abdication of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to know everything now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know and control my future now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope I will do what I want to do, instead of realizing my responsibility to practically do that I want to do.

When and as I see myself justifying a personality or opinion that I have about myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may very well be missing something when I sense myself in fight/argument mode with myself. I commit myself to checking myself to see if I am emotionally invested in a contemplative solution, and if so, breathe and check myself again within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself thinking about what I have to do today from an anxious state of mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here right now, and I will be able to appropriately direct myself within a task when the time comes. I commit myself to spending time with myself here in this moment, to face me in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself worried about my ability to accomplish the tasks of my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that to frantically try to walk all the steps of my future tasks in my head instead of enjoying my breakfast, for example, is a futile waste of energy. I commit myself to breathe myself back to the moment here, and take a practical stance to assess how I will need to structure my day / budget my time.

Each of these components will need to be minded. I commit myself to watching myself keenly when and as I see myself in thought in separation of the moment here. This is going to be an interesting sub-journey, as I've long thought it impossible to stop thinking / worrying about my immediate future. Challenge accepted. Game on. Come at me Mind! Show me what you're made of! :)

picture from here

Day 144 - Sleepy Delay

A common resistance expression: yawn!

It happens when I am tired and facing a point that I do not want to face, and I allow the tiredness to take me away from whatever it is, and I lie on the floor....like now....

....

...the next day. Here I am. haha

(There is a pattern of going into the resistance of that which I am facing, like I should indulge in it one last time before I address it)

To the point: This is a consequence of delaying my responsibilities until the later parts of the night. So, the tiredness can be justified from one perspective of needing rest; however, there are times when I move into a napping position, justifying it as necessary, but the starting point movement is within the resistance of not wanting to face the point at hand. The delay that's earlier in the day leads into this delay point's acceptance. Enough delaying..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay points of responsibility for the night time within the ingrained habit of becoming serious with accomplishing work at that specific time because I can typically reserve it as 'alone time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a more effective worker at specific times of the day, where I allow myself to delay responsibility until those times based within a moodyness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dynamically adjust to work levels at any time, within the fresh starting point of any breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an excuse to not face a point, with the background thought that "I can do it later, and later may not ever come, so I may not have to face this point."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself in hiding from me my true intentions of directing or not directing myself through a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can escape the stress of the today's moment here, by falling asleep, where upon waking I am no longer faced with the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that sleeping off a point as such, only suppresses it, and I will always, eventually have to face myself in relation to any particular point.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to better manage my time in the day so that I am not stuck with a large workload at the end of the day.

I commit myself to better managing my time throughout the day and from day to day.

When and as I see myself yawning and desiring to sleep instead of finishing a task I've saved for the nigh time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this diversion tactic is as effective as I allow. I commit myself to not allow myself to simply move to the floor for a "quick nap," and realize that this is a dishonest motion.

I commit myself to making stable agreements with myself in relation to when I accomplish work, so that if I am in fact too physically tired to keep writing, I will note where I am leaving off, intentionally fall asleep, and intentionally complete what I was doing when I wake and am ready to begin daily tasks.

I commit myself to no longer use sleep as a means to possibly escape a certain point through a dishonest attempt to sleep, break continuity, and keep moving on to other things.

I commit myself to working strong and only moving into sleep when it is not a manifestation of delay from being overwhelmed with not wanting to face a point such as reading, writing, editing, or anything work related. I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that sleeping will not make anything go away and rather only delay my progress in becoming self-responsible.

I commit myself to sleeping when it is necessary. And within that, I commit myself to not delay sleeping with the lack of acknowledging the consequences. I commit myself to keep understanding my delay points through writing until, I can be stable within my directive force of self, here. I commit myself to surely stop the mind's directive control through submitting to the easy way of escapism.

This is a tough point, but that's exactly what my mind wants me to think, so that I am less likely to take back the directive control of my life as life.

The various points of self in relation to sleeping requires further investigation. Stay tuned..

from: wikimedia commons

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