Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

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Day 301 - For Real Though, Go to Bed

Last night didn't go so well. It's like I directly disobeyed myself from the perspective of my post yesterday. Given, I had a 90 minute evening nap that kind of messed up my tiredness schedule. I'm not going to beat myself up, AND I'm also not going to suppress the whole thing. That's been a favorite coping mechanism of mine when I've failed in making a self-change in some of my earlier JTL posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress failure.

I didn't get to bed last night until after watching a few episodes of NBC's Revolution, and reading a bit until I  got too sleepy and had to go to bed. This routine of not attempting to sleep until I am sleepy is how I believed myself to be 'good' at falling asleep. The issue isn't really that I can't sleep unless I'm sleepy. The issue is that I misuse my time. In turn, abuse of time results in awkward sleeping patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to sleep when I am not tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am flawed because I cannot sleep at will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time in such a way that my following day is compromised.

Today, when I woke up I was tired but wanted to have a productive day. I resorted to taking a cognitive enhancer commonly known as adderall. I've experimented with this only a few times before in college. I was always weary of it because I didn't want to become reliant on it. Still now, I see myself fearing inability to deal with and face my own mentally created resistance to focused application of myself in doing work. It's not a simple correction...from the perspective of the resistance that is me. From the perspective that is the life that is me, I don't get tired except by design. There's no reason I can't focus on something, unless I allow myself to sway in the mental tides of attention. Thus,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am susceptible to and a helpless victim of the feeling of lethargy. This is when I feel tired, clouded, distracted, or not having enough energy. I realize that my attention is only defined by an energy fluctuation when I allow it to be. I also realize, that I am not going to get a solid grip on ALL of my mental movements (in the form of backchat or thoughts that create these lethargic feelings) overnight; however, I am able to take on one point at a time. I commit myself to walking through one point of self-change at a time, to completion. This specifically entails I do not slip up where I have made a correction and then suppress it and keep going, no. This means that I do not fall without reconsidering my relationship to each relevant point through the writing process. (Meta Alert) This blog is a great example.

I commit myself to begin walking my day more effectively, instead of delaying everything until the last minute, which really turns into not getting things done. Accomplishment 101: Do work, either now or during a reasonable time frame AS AN AGREEMENT WITH SELF. I commit myself to begin assisting and supporting myself with scheduling agreements that are intimately serious and practical.

Recap of working points:
- Go to bed within a mental state of completion, meaning, to have all my affairs in order and prepared for a lively tomorrow. "Prevention is the best cure," they say. I say they're right, and I'm done waking up with no orientation to the work/tasks of the day.
- Sleep when tired, but do not delay sleep.
- Watch fluctuation of attention, and write out the backchat that empowers the resistance feelings and is used to justify a lack of self-direction.

My sleep character is now in my sights. Remember to write out the thoughts that pertain to some aspect of "I can't (stay focused)." This is all me. I take responsibility. And I'm going to press through resistance until resistance realizes that it can't mess with me anymore.

For now, goodnight.

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Day 288 - Best For All Support

Desteni Artists

Breaking down what is means to practically apply oneself in alignment with what's best for all.

What is Best For All?

This above link directs to the wiki page where a significant amount of perspective has been placed to clarify the mystery. Read on for my perspective on it.

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There is a common excuse that one does not and/or can't know what is best for all. “How do you know what is best for all?!” they say. Within this question, it is implied that such a perspective is not practical or even possible. There isn't even a moment's consideration for what it would mean to take this stance. There is just a quick reaction to defend the principle of self-interest. What's not realized is that a 'best for all' interest is also in self's interest.

To Clarify: What's best for self, can also be best for all.

I'm sure you can imagine several instances where a self-interested inclination wasn't even good for self, let alone best for self. Common sense with self-interest will likely reveal whether or not there is best for all alignment. You can ask yourself: Is there a fear-based motive behind this interest? Will this interest serve what's in my best interest by expanding of my ability to ultimately support what's best for others? 

A key differentiating factor which is often unrealized is the preservation of fear. (I fear others will 'get the best of me' and so) I must do what is best for me (before I lose in relation to other self-interested people). This is justified because people really are like this. So, one might proceed to blame the world for having to protect their self-interest (in fear of others). The solution to this problem has never been for others to change before self changes.

It is critical to realize the power of leading by example. Try on the best for all perspective. Examine the fears that come up. Forgive the fears and create a common sense solution.

Ex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not become the best in spite of others that they will spite me and I will lose my worth/ability/standing in this world system. I realize that the only way the human race will stop racing to the top is through an accumulation of self-leaders acting within the principle of what's best for all. I commit myself to lead by example by first studying where and when I fall in my application of what's best for all, so I may walk the self-forgiveness process and clean up my relationship to fear and stabilize, here.

Thank you.

Day 202 - Pride in work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to complete my work, or even these daily writings, at a level of perfection as would be defined externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set an "objective ideal" that is perfection outside of myself and to work toward that. Within that I am reaching for perfection from a state of desiring to be perfect. Why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear criticism of my work, indicating that it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have perfect work to not have to experience the humility of producing work seen as bad or less than perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to reach a level of quality that is outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define what is quality work in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am participating in a mental polarity of producing bad/good work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just simply do work to the best of my ability. That is all.

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When and as I see myself striving to complete a level of quality in my work that is defined according to what I think is perfection and only able to be praised, I stop I breathe. I realize that in desiring to produce work that would allow me to rest easy, knowing that it is perfect and not needing to be touched, or changed ever again, is a mental process within polarity of mind. I commit myself to stopping this self-judgement and bringing myself back here to produce the best quality of work by putting 100% of myself into my work.

This is a big point (as they all are). And within this statement, I see doubt. I fear that I am breezing by too easily, and that I will again experience a downfall in not being able to actually stop striving for perfection with my work. And, haha, within that statement, I see that I have an underlying desire to be perfect within this one post, such that I will have this point complete, over and done with by the end of this post.

When and as I see myself attempting to be perfect by completely walking through an entire mental construct in just one post, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is NOT a real, external standard of what or how one of these JTL posts is to be or accomplish. I commit myself to writing these posts within self-honesty as self-here, directing me fully, not hiding.

There is no 'right' and 'wrong.' There is only process, and it is a work in progress. When a point is clear, I move from here. Until then, I write and write, without judging my writing by any external standard, only discerning if I am self-honest within my writing. Self-honest writing is when I am directing my writing. This process is about self-investigation for the means of self-forgiveness to ultimately realize self, here. This is my focus. This is the orientation of my self-honest writing. Pride is something I'm giving up because it does not support self awareness within and as the breath. Pride is a mental construct intimately connected to the polarity of it, with is shame. I have produced shameful work. I have brushed it aside and chosen to just focus on the positive work that I could take pride in. This stops here.

Note:  Desire to not place picture, easier/faster. Also, prideless...vs prideful vs shameful. End it all and left with what? Placing a picture is to invite readers to read. It is effective. Simple. Mind is desiring to not place a picture (shame) which is the polarity of pridefully placing a picture. Stop the mind. What makes sense? A cute kitty picture.

"OMG. Is this perfect enough??"

...or 2

"thanks for reading!"