Day 345 - Aligning Purpose with Participation

Inspired by today's interview:
Living Words: Purpose - Part 2

As a child growing up, I believed I had a great purpose to fulfill. A purpose to make this world a better place. I later learned that there are lots of people just like me in the world. Everyone has a sense of purpose, but it appears that it can get convoluted in the midst of the mind: Perhaps it's a self-defeatist thought like, "I can't do it," with a lovely little fear of failure that prevents us from fulfilling our purpose. Other times it may be a a simple pursuit of desire, a side-track of fulfilling one's own self-interest. The tricky part here is that there are justifications that one may use to make it look like self-interest is, or will eventually be how that purpose can be fulfilled. And before we know it, our life passes us by and that horrible sense of regret come into view too often.

Maybe it's just that we never really took the time to seriously consider our purpose. And even of those that have contemplated the point, it could very well be that no real plan was drawn up. This is not a worthy excuse (as if there is one). Many, many other people in the world are not in positions to have a purpose other than to just survive the day.

For myself, I have simply never drawn out a tangible map for bringing my purpose to fruition. I've spent most of my purpose driven time within an ambition energy, jumping from idea to idea, never committing to any one idea because I was afraid of loosing the opportunity within all the other ideas, AND ideas that may come in the future. Total mind delusion of self-importance with very little to no proof in the physical. Purpose without a plan is not recommended.

Solution:
Write it out, and check the practicality of it.

Let's walk an example that's very near and dear to me. I want to make the world a better place. Ok...how? There are many different ways, and each person will have their own individual idea of how they may see themselves fulfilling this one purpose that unites us all. So, I have spent a lot of time educating myself because I really like understanding...maybe I can be an educator to facilitate understanding. Now, I'm getting somewhere. What do I want to teach? Life skills. What kind? The stuff that matters...the stuff that determines relationships between people...communication. AH HA, I studied communication in college. So far I'm on track. (now here's where things get interesting) Communication is a large topic area, so there are many different directions I could take with this, but because of my participation with Desteni, I understand how important my relationships to words are (i.e. Purpose). So, there are a few more steps here that I was able to take because of my investigation of the desteni message, which is most highly recommended, so I now know how to fulfill my purpose. I want to help people understand the importance of their relationship to words.

I have a plan for how to do this, and I'm currently working on it. In other words, this idea is actionable. That is the key. Once you reach the point of an actionable idea that's aligned with a higher purpose, all once then has to do is push through the personal resistances and actually do it.

So, if you're looking for your purpose, great! It's not lost, it's only buried in the depths of cognition and memories. The cool part about Desteni as a tool is that you learn that you only need yourself. So write. Map out your individual expression within the higher purpose that is to make this world a better place. The interview at the beginning of this post is extraordinarily supportive, and the desteni forum board is too. See ya tomorrow for an expansion and some related self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

photo credit

Day 336 - Sleeping Awake

When I'm resisting a particular task or set of tasks, and I do not direct myself to work effectively, one of my mind's favorite ways to deal with this situation is to send a signal of tiredness. If I follow this pull to the bed, then I end up losing a lot of time. I certainly could have pulled myself together and finished at least one of the responsibilities, but I went for the feel good instead.

Lots to open up here. I can look at the relationships toward specific tasks / responsibilities. I can look at past moments where I've initiated tiredness. I can look at the practical process of 'pulling myself together'. With understanding there is a temporal process required to physically change the patterns that constitute oneself, I commit myself to finding any way I can make a small change in alignment with the goal of becoming the directive principle of my resting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought "oh, let me just rest my eyes for a moment."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and hide the risk of falling asleep when I given into a tiredness moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am able to remain in control of my mind when I give in to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are practical physical support steps I can take to snap out of a tired state of mind, such as a cold face wash or a bit of water in the eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unable to direct myself out of the tiredness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this tiredness emotion that washes over me is a product of the mind and only as powerful as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a victim relationship to the tiredness energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the tiredness energy, stand one and equal with it, and direct myself within a breath stability.

When and as I see myself nodding off while facing a set of tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am going into a familiar reaction of avoidance through tiredness. I commit myself to flag this point, to take a breath, and really consider all of what is going on in this moment. Where am I going? How can I move myself into a directive awareness to stop this energy possession?

When and as I see myself "resting my eyes," I breathe and commit myself to an actual agreement of how much longer I will rest my eyes. I realize that there alternative solutions to warding off tiredness besides just sleeping it off. I commit myself to discovering these methods and baby steps toward stabilizing myself as a directive force.

When and as I see myself as inferior to my tiredness, I stop I breathe. I realize that I created this feeling. I commit myself to standing one and equal with my feeling tired, and directing it/me as the totality of myself in alignment with what is best for all. Get it done!

A key point within post is "taking baby steps." I'm now becoming increasingly aware of how I will not change if I do not change, but to Change can very easily seem like "too much." Then I get overwhelmed and resort to something like avoidance through tiredness. I am not finished with my relationship to sleep, but today was a step. Process happens one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Change through tiny steps if necessary. To look back on my life and realize all the moments I could have changed but didn't, it's going to be displeasing. Solution = figure out how to take one step at a time.

Thank you.

pic credit

Day 335 - I'm so dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot do something because I have never done it before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can do anything without having walked a process of practical application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back from exploring my potential because I am afraid to find out the reality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality of myself and thus a loss of the projected ideal self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not able to manifest the ideal self as a leader AND through trying I risk the realizing this fear through seeing my inability to lead myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the space and time to develop my potential.

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When and as I see that I have become defeated by failure to act, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible to push through this fear and act, understanding that I will not be perfect, that there is a process of actual living application one must walk before such a level of self-trust / confidence is real. I commit myself to stepping up to the plate and taking the risk of non-perfection or failure to assert myself within the process of self-perfection. To take the first step is crucial. This reality is a lived reality or else it's not, meaning to live in the mind dimension in separation of reality. This is not where I want to be living. I want to be here, moment to moment participation: Living.

When and as I see myself standing by to assess and observe a situation of which I can participate in but have suppressed my expression and gone into backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am capable of more than I realize, and the only way to find out is through pushing through this resistance, mess up and fail a few times, adjust and adapt, and continue walking the next point until I stand clear. I commit myself to pushing the practice of flawed application. This is process. This is this blog. To begin living this point in real time communication will be uncomfortable at first. Push. Mess up. Do not take this personally. Self is not who self thinks self to be. Don't fall into this trap over and over and over again. Learn. Humble. Move. Practical.

Day 320 - Time Stop, Change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than this energy, and assuming that it will win, thus creating an experience of debate to validate my desire to stop the energy, yet do nothing to practically stop it.

I'm on the verge of a break through, and it's half exciting, half doubtful. The doubt comes in because I feel like I've been here so many times already, where "I've had enough" and "I'm ready to change." The excitement comes in because there is a subtle difference this time. I know that I don't know what it's like to actually live this change into a consistently self-directed individual supporting what's best (for all).

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." - Mark Twain

It's a dangerous dance to think we know ourselves when in fact we do not. Dangerous because it doesn't seem dangerous. We could go through our whole lives creating consequences we wouldn't never admit responsibility for. Why? Because we trust the feelings. If it feels like another is surely at fault, we blame without question. I challenge self to question self.

Today I found an interesting success, and what's more interesting is the method used to create the window of opportunity. Let me break it down for you! I've been experiencing a building frustration with myself because I'm not changing. I'm not actually stopping my delay/procrastination character after, like what, 6+ months of writing about it. I feel embarrassed just admitting that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an idealized version of myself who is able to learn, realize and change rapidly. In this, separating myself from the reality of myself, and repetitively missing the critical moments in actual space time when I can apply myself and live change for real.

This above statement here had taken a long time to hit home. I am finally starting to get a real sense of my perception of myself vs. the reality of myself (which is very difficult to face). Why has it been so hard to see the self-honesty of me? I would shatter the image of me. I would be embarrassed. I would feel bad.

And who wants to feel bad?

Going back to my interesting success and how I created it. I realized one of the most important equations: First thing's first. I realized that I needed a practical first step. The weird part about this realization is that it can totally exist as known information, and so I thought I've known this for a long time, but when that knowledge becomes really realized and applied: it starts working. How exactly? Great question. I didn't know how, so I asked myself: What is my first step? Answer: Actually investigate the resistance. Here's an interesting point as well. I can investigate the resistance and maybe acquire some knowledge and information about it, but if that's where it stops, then it stops there. The second step must be taken.

I'm sorry if this is all obvious to you ;)

So, quick outline/recap:
Step 1: Realize what the first step is.
Step 2: Take the first step - investigate, thoroughly
Step 3: Take the second step - application

That second step is when the rubber hits the road, so to speak. When I take that first step of information discovery, I NEED TO USE IT. It must be applied.


Enough already! What is this success that I had? In the critical moment of self-change. In the moment where I wanted to pick up my tablet and play a video game. In the moment of overwhelming resistance toward doing. I stopped. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit back at my desk to read/type. Nope. But in this moment I decided to conduct a stable self-forgiveness. The 2 statements at the beginning of this post are very similar to what I had spoken aloud. I was able to clear the energy that was so uncomfortable that I've entered into countless time-loops by following it.

And then. I found myself in a bit of a null space. I wasn't sure what to do next. Then I recalled what I learned of the importance of self-commitment statements. I spoke out loud some direction for self. At that moment, the resistance energy was gone, and I had a stable directive that I literally just created.

This is one of my first actual breakthroughs in regaining control of myself using self-forgiveness and corrective application. The doubt that I experience here is utterly based on the past, and a fear of not being able to change. I know what I need to do now. I see, realize, and understand that through my fear, I am creating/manifesting that which I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my inability to change myself, based on past failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past alone, and not give myself the opportunity to create myself anew in every forthcoming moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate self-compromising beliefs without realizing my responsibility herein.

There is only one moment that change can happen. If you don't stop time to see this moment. If you are waiting for the moment to come when you feel ready. If you are thinking it would be better to do it later. STOP. See what you are doing. What is the motivation? STOP. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to sound the relevant self-forgiveness to this point that I am currently experiencing. And until clear, keep forgiving self. Now set the rule of self. What did you originally want to do? If resistance comes up again, self-forgive, specifically. Then commit self to move according to how you want to move.

And Voila!

You have stopped time for long enough to recognize and diffuse the reaction energy, and create effective self-change.

What's next? What is Step 4? Obviously it is to repeat Steps 1-3. Flagpoint the moments where one is not successfully directing self and investigate for the purpose of being able to identify what moves you and what to self-forgive.

On a final note: All of the information here is diddly squat. It sincerely can do nothing to support self, unless it is lived. That is the only real difference I feel here today. I actually applied myself, proactively. I didn't start write this post at 11 o'clock, reacting to the external reason as my starting point. No. I sat down on my couch with my mechanical pencil and my red process journal and investigated my resistance, and when I was ready to get back to reading/typing the resistance came again, BUT I WAS READY FOR IT THIS TIME.

Knowledge without application is useless, and this sentence is hard to understand until you actually literally apply it and see for yourself what you can do. Test yourself. De/Program yourself. Or don't.

Thanks.

Day 309 - Time Management

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive when it comes to time management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paranoid about not having enough time to accomplish everything I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had more time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the oneness and equality of myself as the only solution to effective time management

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for wasting my time, and in this creating a negative charge on being social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate responsibilities through social justifications so that I can confirm my belief that others are the reason why I have difficulty with time management.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this moment here, not realizing the capacity of my creative potential in every here-moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect myself and cheat myself out of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly allow vague justifications that are coupled with a temporary alleviation of the resistance energy-feeling experienced when facing a responsibility/work task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment here, forget the net sum of all that I want to do.

In one week, I'll report use changes.

I commit myself to writing out all my goals. I will do this in two forms, one of which had been missing, the other, inconsistent. The missing one is a list of general to-do that is not time/day specific. The inconsistent one is my day-specific task lists. This one is typically too idealized (not practical) or it is empty. On rare occasions it is completed, and it feels good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good / bad according to my efficacy levels with regards to completing my daily task list, not realizing how I am removing myself from simplicity of utilizing this tool to practically and effectively manage my time.

I commit myself to continue utilizing this daily task list in a way that effectively assists and supports me to accomplish tasks.

When and as I see myself not using or not completing my daily tasks, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to slow down and consider why I am not using this tool effectively. I commit myself to support myself through the effective use of written time management tools.

The stream of to-do that isn't adhered to a specific time will be experimental. The idea is to write down everything to provide a sense of what I could, should, and need to be doing, and as I examine the list, I can place tasks and sub-tasks into my daily planner.

Another point I'd just come to realize the significance of is task to time frame planning. In the past I've only scheduled in written times when I had appointments. I haven't ever blocked of a specific hour for specific self-directed tasks, other than this blog - which typically defaults to the last hour of the day because of reasons/motivations I haven't fully come to terms with.

When and as I see myself wandering aimlessly through time, either via personal delay or social justification, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the ability to direct myself effectively in the context of all. I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to see, realize and understand the bigger picture so that I am able to give context to my efforts, and lack thereof. This is to be accomplished in part by writing my objectives. This will expand, evolve and be refined as I practice. Effective time management is a critical key of success.

Support what is best for self and all.

Write, practice, perfect.

Day 185 - Planning on the Fly and on the Ground

Yesterday, I revisited 'planning' and how I haven't been considering the all of the details of following through with a plan. I also found that I have been weak with the moment-to-moment planning, like with a very small window of time. Now, I'm thinking how I haven't really yet considered the planning of the long-long term. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so ambitious and disconnected from choosing one focus for my first career path. I actually haven't realized how extensively I've participated in half-ass planning my whole: The notion of being removed from my intentions, like not true to my word or myself and others.

The whole idea with moment-to moment planning is being able to structure my immediate plans for the next 5 minutes or less. For instance, I started this paragraph with the intention of explaining what I mean by moment-to-moment planning, something I'm not very well acquainted with. I usually just allow a mental flow to commence and run with it. On the fly, semi-editing my phrases and direction as I go. I do not intend to plan every action and movement...or do I? To not lose spontaneity, yet be self-directive. This is possible. I can plan to allow and not allow particular actions/reactions, and I can change my plans from a self-honest starting point assessment of my reasoning. I didn't plan the second half of this paragraph where I went into questioning myself, which leads me to believe that my curious character could use a little/lot of investigation.

Planning on the fly can only happen intentionally, or else I'm floating along planless or within this experience of vague planning. To bring the plan to the ground and consider all of the necessary aspects crucial to meeting the objective is the point that I haven't really been considering. Example: In college, I'd go out to party and meet girls, but often I didn't have an exit strategy that would successfully lead to sex. I remember imagining how bachelors must have a quiver of on-the-fly plans to be able to bring home lots of sex. Regardless of the scenario or the goal, without a plan, I get side-tracked more easily, I'm less confident, less of a leader of self and others. In my process of becoming the directive principle of this physical body, I plan to see where & when my mind leads me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not set a stable plan from moment to moment, and just going with the flow all the time, not realizing how this could get me nowhere quickly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how procrastination and vague planning is me abdicating my responsibility to be the self-directive principle of/within my life. Yesss, nailed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply go with the flow and be lead by the feelings of grandeur, excitement, curiosity, and many others, not realizing that I'm not on track in accordance to my will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider planning from a multi-dimensional perspective, where I know what I'll be doing in the next 5 minutes and how that relates to my day, month, year, life.
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I could laugh at this photo for days. To me it symbolizes a lack of multi-dimensional planning awareness. To avoid ending up like this fellow, I commit myself to planning my day to include taking breaks and sharing moments with nature/people/pets.

When and as I see myself unintentionally going with the flow of things, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am currently not the directive principle of my life. I commit myself to exposing my mind's favorite habitual directions so that I may realize how I've been existing without awareness of my breath as life.

When and as I see myself moving through a vague plan or creating one, I stop I breath. I realize that I must ask myself: who am I within enacting this plan? Without awareness of self in each moment, I am existing as a programmed organic robot. I commit myself to stop casually roboting (rotting) through existence.

Layer by layer, I commit myself to revealing all of my programs, so that I can once and for all get with the program of life, here, on Earth.

Day 111 - Writing out Agreements

Today went well. I pushed through a shit-ton of communication resistance/apprehension. I started the date off with some tea and a game of chess before siting down to attempt establishing agreements. I opened my laptop and laid down the clipboard. First, we read a response from my buddy Garbrielle related to yesterday: Day 110 - Laying down agreements. Basically, she suggested to establish agreements with self first, and linked me in to some more agreement resources. You can see the post here: Re: Dan's Journey to Life. And she has a good point. I am a bit shaky with my self-trust and application of living agreements...I mean Day 111 of 2555 or seven years of commitment to publicly writing my life experience of self-realizing. The words stand. I stand with my words. Simple. Real.

And so our first practical living agreements were written out on real paper. It took a lot of effort to communicate shared points that we could commit to. The experience was an exercise in being vulnerable. To speak fear points openly enough to turn it into something on paper, is not a comfortable experience, but we got through it ok. I stumbled a bit, she was patient with me, understanding. Overall, it felt really good afterward. Expressing some fear points with another and doing so in a productive, written agreements kind of way had an effect of feeling closer, more comfortable.

I had to start sometime. And I will continue. I commit myself to working with self-agreements to a point of stability within my practice.

This is to be continued, it always is. Day-by-day, I write to figure out what's going on inside me, and sharing it with anyone in the world is just kinda cool.