Day 349 - Too Guilty to See Me Self-Honestly

BAM!! This is an intense point to open up. This point came up as a layer within my shortcut SF typing that I wrote about yesterday, but I can see this pattern activating in many areas in my life. So I'm going to define it for me here today, and empower myself to stop this self-sabotage pattern.

When I had chosen to not question my automated self-forgiveness shortcut program, it became something that I was hesitant to ask others about also. I stated yesterday that if I asked others about this, then I would have to actually face the point, and I didn't want to. But now, if I really slow this down, why exactly did I choose to not be open about this point in the beginning? It felt like taking a shortcut (not acceptable) and it also felt like a smart time-saver (ego, desire to move fast). The latter trumped the possibility of the former. This is another point in itself that is a general theme I've been dealing with and will continue to squeeze out of my existence until I have slowed down in fact, and am moving steadfast.

At the moment here, I am looking at an obstacle to being self-honest where instead of applying self-honesty, I disperse my attention into a guilt experience (of varying degrees) and move past the point without a real consideration. So this (ab)use of guilt has to be address. This is not an acceptable way to live.

To define this a bit more for myself. I experience guilt as an uncomfortable feeling. I get overwhelmed by it in a way and manage the emotion in that same way of moving from overwhelmed -> shut down, distracting myself with something else, or just moving on (suppressing it). It's interesting though how I even feel guilt for suppressing guilt! Layers of protecting my inner self-deception!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly suppress my guilt and not give myself the time to really investigate why the guilt is coming up in the first place and what the common sense, best for all option really is. Within this I forgive myself for feeling guilty about suppressing my guilt reactions, and thus suppress this meta-guilt in the same way so that I can reach a level of ignorance that feels significantly better than the experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make guilt more than what it is, and in that fear it and run from it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my guilt experience for what it is. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down, and breathe when guilt ensues.

When and as I see myself moving past or through guilt quickly, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am suppressing the guilt as a quick fix to get back to a more enjoyable state of being. I commit myself to start opening up all these points when and as I see a guilt suppression. When and as I see that I don't, I commit myself to come back to that moment in memory later in the day to get a closer, slower look at who I chose to be in that moment.

When and as I witness any particular resistance energy, I stop I breathe, and in that breath I check for the signature of guilt. I realize that I've move so fast through guilt that I don't yet have any stable reference to determine every movement of deeply buried guilt. I commit myself to self-honestly checking myself for guilt, shame, and any kind of similar self-judgment and self-sabotage when I experience myself "just wanting to move on" or feeling uncomfortable when facing a point.

I realize that there will be many points for which I will feel shame, and I commit myself to facing all of them from a self-honest starting point to discover who I am in relation to all things, and apply the living correction in alignment with what is best for all.

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I was fortunate to have been able to listen to this Guilt support interview live, in my final days visiting the Desteni farm. I recommend it.

Day 345 - Aligning Purpose with Participation

Inspired by today's interview:
Living Words: Purpose - Part 2

As a child growing up, I believed I had a great purpose to fulfill. A purpose to make this world a better place. I later learned that there are lots of people just like me in the world. Everyone has a sense of purpose, but it appears that it can get convoluted in the midst of the mind: Perhaps it's a self-defeatist thought like, "I can't do it," with a lovely little fear of failure that prevents us from fulfilling our purpose. Other times it may be a a simple pursuit of desire, a side-track of fulfilling one's own self-interest. The tricky part here is that there are justifications that one may use to make it look like self-interest is, or will eventually be how that purpose can be fulfilled. And before we know it, our life passes us by and that horrible sense of regret come into view too often.

Maybe it's just that we never really took the time to seriously consider our purpose. And even of those that have contemplated the point, it could very well be that no real plan was drawn up. This is not a worthy excuse (as if there is one). Many, many other people in the world are not in positions to have a purpose other than to just survive the day.

For myself, I have simply never drawn out a tangible map for bringing my purpose to fruition. I've spent most of my purpose driven time within an ambition energy, jumping from idea to idea, never committing to any one idea because I was afraid of loosing the opportunity within all the other ideas, AND ideas that may come in the future. Total mind delusion of self-importance with very little to no proof in the physical. Purpose without a plan is not recommended.

Solution:
Write it out, and check the practicality of it.

Let's walk an example that's very near and dear to me. I want to make the world a better place. Ok...how? There are many different ways, and each person will have their own individual idea of how they may see themselves fulfilling this one purpose that unites us all. So, I have spent a lot of time educating myself because I really like understanding...maybe I can be an educator to facilitate understanding. Now, I'm getting somewhere. What do I want to teach? Life skills. What kind? The stuff that matters...the stuff that determines relationships between people...communication. AH HA, I studied communication in college. So far I'm on track. (now here's where things get interesting) Communication is a large topic area, so there are many different directions I could take with this, but because of my participation with Desteni, I understand how important my relationships to words are (i.e. Purpose). So, there are a few more steps here that I was able to take because of my investigation of the desteni message, which is most highly recommended, so I now know how to fulfill my purpose. I want to help people understand the importance of their relationship to words.

I have a plan for how to do this, and I'm currently working on it. In other words, this idea is actionable. That is the key. Once you reach the point of an actionable idea that's aligned with a higher purpose, all once then has to do is push through the personal resistances and actually do it.

So, if you're looking for your purpose, great! It's not lost, it's only buried in the depths of cognition and memories. The cool part about Desteni as a tool is that you learn that you only need yourself. So write. Map out your individual expression within the higher purpose that is to make this world a better place. The interview at the beginning of this post is extraordinarily supportive, and the desteni forum board is too. See ya tomorrow for an expansion and some related self-forgiveness and corrective application statements.

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Day 333 - Success: Imagination vs. Reality

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For as long as I can remember, I've had these strong felt imaginations of myself being successful in my future. I didn't regard others from a perspective of equality. Instead I saw how great my thoughts about myself could be, and in relation to others in my environment, I would see their flaws and how I could be better. So I was very much involved in a judgmental, observational process. Standing on the outskirts of participation, I would project myself being able to be better than all the participants. Come to realize, it's rather silly.

The participants, and I'm thinking about the popular kids in school, the most active kids in the classroom, the people that actually have a job and are growing and practically expanding themselves within it. These people have lived a path that was not as a bystander, thinking about how they could be where they are, no. They put in the time, they've invested themselves in relationships, and they've identified and taken the the appropriate, physical steps to be where they are today.

Now, here I am, walking through my whole life with an amplified sense of greatness, believing that I can do pretty much anything. Based on whatever successes I've had in the past, I've grown a confidence that I can do a good job at whatever I do. This is the point I was looking for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be successful with anything I do without considering or walking the practical time investment it would take to achieve a desired level of success.

I've believed myself to be my imagination version of myself. I didn't need to yet be this version of myself in reality because I was apparently waiting for the right opportunity to shine. This is the downfall. The illusion that I am waiting for some external circumstance to show me exactly how I will thrive and become successful. This is being trapped in the head. Furthermore, when I am utilizing my imagination to create my successful self, I'm not considering all the tiny little details. Maybe I hit just enough of the big points to believe that sometime in the future it is possible for me to become this version of successful.

I realize now that it is a serious problem to think that I know how to be successful. It's not a bad starting point. If I were to write out my imagined path to success, I would be able to use it as a checklist and I'm sure it would need lots of revisions as I ACTUALLY start applying myself in physicality, a.k.a. walking the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of myself as confident, based on what I think I could do, and yet in reality, I am doing nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of practically aligning my writing and actions to produce a desired outcome of success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write about how I will achieve a goal / success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is easy to reach Point B while I am sitting inert at Point A.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination only when I am considering what I can do and become in terms of financial and relationship success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the opportunities for success that I have imagined, but to have instead only relied on my imagination when making a self-directive decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with emotions and feelings that come with my imaginations and base my decisions based on these reactions without a comprehensive investigation of the facts. Within this statement, I realize that there are many times when I do not have all the facts to be able to make the best critical decision. Because of this, I've developed a relationship with my intuition, that is really just a feeling/emotion reaction, and I've learned to trust it. It is much easier and faster to go with this pretty form of information, but can I really trust it? That's the question that will free me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my 'intuition' alone without investigating the actuality of the process of successful ventures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I've been indecisive, anxious, inert, all because I trusted the self-image movement within my imagination, waiting for the day that it would come automatically into my reality.

When and as I see myself imagining how great I will be someday, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only create this successful version of myself with real, practical steps of education and various tiny logistics that my mind skips over. I commit myself to stop getting wrapped up in the idea of what my future self could be, and start writing about how I will get there.

When and as I see myself becoming discouraged when my imagination and reality do not line up, I stop I breathe. I realize this reaction to be a form of self-sabotage that needs to be more closely looked at when the points comes up. I commit myself to breathe through my mental experiences of self-sabotage, and to follow through with writing and SF.

I commit myself to walk my imaginations in writing to assess what is really possible and make self-directive decision.

When and as I see myself sitting stagnate in relation to my success, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've likely been fulfilling my drive for success through the imagination alone. I commit myself to place these imaginations onto paper and looking at the whole idea more realistically.

I commit myself to start living within the physical reality.

I commit myself to get my head out of the clouds. I know it feels nice and glorious up there Dan, but that's not the space where things get done. Here is where I must be to accomplish success. Step by step. First thing first.

To bring yourself to the here-space, and create value that is real, is crucial to success. Hoping and waiting to get lucky is a success path idea that I now abandon. Gambling sucks, especially with your life.

Thanks.