Day 437 - Who am I?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out insecurity, instead of investigating myself with the tools to allow my Life essence to come through, moving into and within Real Self-Confidence.

This is self-forgiveness statement from my personal writings today really stood out for me. It kind of captures this aspect of growing up, becoming a man, and leading my life with a sense of authority within myself. Fearlessness in my decisions to speak or move myself. The insecurity programming that I've been allowing within me, has me often taking the back seat in my life. I've been letting my outside world determine where I go, what I say and do. It's like I'm living for forces outside of myself, not giving myself any respect or worth or say in how I want to live. How do I want to live? Safely? Free from negative judgments from others? I'm sick of not knowing myself? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all I am is a shell of a man, a set of personalities that activate in relation to my environment to achieve self-interested ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am and believe that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build layers of self-protection upon layers of self-protection, within incredible fear, fear of being exposed, and to have lost touch with myself, not realizing that I am also the very fear that I've created as the layers of ego and characterized personality programs to hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT accept all of me that is here, within and without. I realize my equality of self inside and outside, and thus commit myself to acknowledging my inherent responsibility in creating my experience of and in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate WHO I AM from others, from politics, from all that is here manifested in this world - not realizing within this vantage point of separation, I am creating myself into the mind consciousness system, defining my individual ego standing in relation to everything else, limiting myself, my expression and my capacity to create significant change in the world.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to direct my insecurities and character flaws through a process of detailed self-investigation and self-forgiveness, so that I can own them, see me clearly, and create a correction plan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my insecurities, suppress them, act like everything is cool, and think that I'm winning.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to embrace all of me, the good and the bad, and WORK to change myself and become better, to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my faults, and believe that they are real only through recognition, and so create an adverse relationship to self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I've become, not want to face it, and effectively bar myself from reaching my potential because I'm not even honest with myself about where I'm at.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a day dreamer, judging myself by the potential I see I could become, and reject the reality of who I am today.

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When and as I see that I am feeling low self-esteem, I stop, I breathe. I realize that all of me is here, and from within and as my breath, I can accept where I'm at, and work with releasing the layers of self-deception that I've constructed myself to believe I am. I commit myself to transmute any energy of feeling low or down about myself and where I'm at in life, into a resounding resolve to walk the Desteni process: identify my responsibility for what is here as me, forgive/let go, and move forward in creating myself with clear starting point and direction.

When and as I see myself believing this process is too hard, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am who I am in what I create in EVERY moment of thought, word and deed. I commit myself to apply breath when the going gets tough, to assist and support with orienting myself to creating the best version of myself.

When and as I see myself trying to escape the reality of who I am by orienting to creating positive feelings, I stop, I breathe. I realize that temporarily suppressing my dark moments of the soul is an action of me robbing me from a great opportunity to understand and transcend a significant layer of my self programming. I commit myself to the full realization that suppression is NOT the best way forward, and to move into the honesty of what is here as me, no matter how ugly/miserable it may be, so that I may put a real stop to it and end the cycle of self-abuse, one system at a time.

Day 333 - Success: Imagination vs. Reality

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For as long as I can remember, I've had these strong felt imaginations of myself being successful in my future. I didn't regard others from a perspective of equality. Instead I saw how great my thoughts about myself could be, and in relation to others in my environment, I would see their flaws and how I could be better. So I was very much involved in a judgmental, observational process. Standing on the outskirts of participation, I would project myself being able to be better than all the participants. Come to realize, it's rather silly.

The participants, and I'm thinking about the popular kids in school, the most active kids in the classroom, the people that actually have a job and are growing and practically expanding themselves within it. These people have lived a path that was not as a bystander, thinking about how they could be where they are, no. They put in the time, they've invested themselves in relationships, and they've identified and taken the the appropriate, physical steps to be where they are today.

Now, here I am, walking through my whole life with an amplified sense of greatness, believing that I can do pretty much anything. Based on whatever successes I've had in the past, I've grown a confidence that I can do a good job at whatever I do. This is the point I was looking for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be successful with anything I do without considering or walking the practical time investment it would take to achieve a desired level of success.

I've believed myself to be my imagination version of myself. I didn't need to yet be this version of myself in reality because I was apparently waiting for the right opportunity to shine. This is the downfall. The illusion that I am waiting for some external circumstance to show me exactly how I will thrive and become successful. This is being trapped in the head. Furthermore, when I am utilizing my imagination to create my successful self, I'm not considering all the tiny little details. Maybe I hit just enough of the big points to believe that sometime in the future it is possible for me to become this version of successful.

I realize now that it is a serious problem to think that I know how to be successful. It's not a bad starting point. If I were to write out my imagined path to success, I would be able to use it as a checklist and I'm sure it would need lots of revisions as I ACTUALLY start applying myself in physicality, a.k.a. walking the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an experience of myself as confident, based on what I think I could do, and yet in reality, I am doing nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of practically aligning my writing and actions to produce a desired outcome of success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write about how I will achieve a goal / success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is easy to reach Point B while I am sitting inert at Point A.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my imagination only when I am considering what I can do and become in terms of financial and relationship success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the opportunities for success that I have imagined, but to have instead only relied on my imagination when making a self-directive decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with emotions and feelings that come with my imaginations and base my decisions based on these reactions without a comprehensive investigation of the facts. Within this statement, I realize that there are many times when I do not have all the facts to be able to make the best critical decision. Because of this, I've developed a relationship with my intuition, that is really just a feeling/emotion reaction, and I've learned to trust it. It is much easier and faster to go with this pretty form of information, but can I really trust it? That's the question that will free me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my 'intuition' alone without investigating the actuality of the process of successful ventures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I've been indecisive, anxious, inert, all because I trusted the self-image movement within my imagination, waiting for the day that it would come automatically into my reality.

When and as I see myself imagining how great I will be someday, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only create this successful version of myself with real, practical steps of education and various tiny logistics that my mind skips over. I commit myself to stop getting wrapped up in the idea of what my future self could be, and start writing about how I will get there.

When and as I see myself becoming discouraged when my imagination and reality do not line up, I stop I breathe. I realize this reaction to be a form of self-sabotage that needs to be more closely looked at when the points comes up. I commit myself to breathe through my mental experiences of self-sabotage, and to follow through with writing and SF.

I commit myself to walk my imaginations in writing to assess what is really possible and make self-directive decision.

When and as I see myself sitting stagnate in relation to my success, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've likely been fulfilling my drive for success through the imagination alone. I commit myself to place these imaginations onto paper and looking at the whole idea more realistically.

I commit myself to start living within the physical reality.

I commit myself to get my head out of the clouds. I know it feels nice and glorious up there Dan, but that's not the space where things get done. Here is where I must be to accomplish success. Step by step. First thing first.

To bring yourself to the here-space, and create value that is real, is crucial to success. Hoping and waiting to get lucky is a success path idea that I now abandon. Gambling sucks, especially with your life.

Thanks.