Day 349 - Too Guilty to See Me Self-Honestly

BAM!! This is an intense point to open up. This point came up as a layer within my shortcut SF typing that I wrote about yesterday, but I can see this pattern activating in many areas in my life. So I'm going to define it for me here today, and empower myself to stop this self-sabotage pattern.

When I had chosen to not question my automated self-forgiveness shortcut program, it became something that I was hesitant to ask others about also. I stated yesterday that if I asked others about this, then I would have to actually face the point, and I didn't want to. But now, if I really slow this down, why exactly did I choose to not be open about this point in the beginning? It felt like taking a shortcut (not acceptable) and it also felt like a smart time-saver (ego, desire to move fast). The latter trumped the possibility of the former. This is another point in itself that is a general theme I've been dealing with and will continue to squeeze out of my existence until I have slowed down in fact, and am moving steadfast.

At the moment here, I am looking at an obstacle to being self-honest where instead of applying self-honesty, I disperse my attention into a guilt experience (of varying degrees) and move past the point without a real consideration. So this (ab)use of guilt has to be address. This is not an acceptable way to live.

To define this a bit more for myself. I experience guilt as an uncomfortable feeling. I get overwhelmed by it in a way and manage the emotion in that same way of moving from overwhelmed -> shut down, distracting myself with something else, or just moving on (suppressing it). It's interesting though how I even feel guilt for suppressing guilt! Layers of protecting my inner self-deception!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly suppress my guilt and not give myself the time to really investigate why the guilt is coming up in the first place and what the common sense, best for all option really is. Within this I forgive myself for feeling guilty about suppressing my guilt reactions, and thus suppress this meta-guilt in the same way so that I can reach a level of ignorance that feels significantly better than the experience of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make guilt more than what it is, and in that fear it and run from it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my guilt experience for what it is. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down, and breathe when guilt ensues.

When and as I see myself moving past or through guilt quickly, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am suppressing the guilt as a quick fix to get back to a more enjoyable state of being. I commit myself to start opening up all these points when and as I see a guilt suppression. When and as I see that I don't, I commit myself to come back to that moment in memory later in the day to get a closer, slower look at who I chose to be in that moment.

When and as I witness any particular resistance energy, I stop I breathe, and in that breath I check for the signature of guilt. I realize that I've move so fast through guilt that I don't yet have any stable reference to determine every movement of deeply buried guilt. I commit myself to self-honestly checking myself for guilt, shame, and any kind of similar self-judgment and self-sabotage when I experience myself "just wanting to move on" or feeling uncomfortable when facing a point.

I realize that there will be many points for which I will feel shame, and I commit myself to facing all of them from a self-honest starting point to discover who I am in relation to all things, and apply the living correction in alignment with what is best for all.

credit

I was fortunate to have been able to listen to this Guilt support interview live, in my final days visiting the Desteni farm. I recommend it.

Day 226 - Nail Biting: Failure

OK, I'm going to dispel a layer of resistance I've been facing with regards to my nail biting habit. Since my first attempt to stop biting my nails 210 days ago (damn), I've experienced a limiting shame, discouragement, and embarrassment associated with failing in the stopping of my nail biting habit. I have been delaying returning to the point because I've been waiting for some external help, knowledge, or just becoming more effective with my self-forgiveness.

And that's another point, I blamed my ineffectiveness on my weakness within self-forgiveness. Man, that's an ugly sentence. And the one following shows how my shame has been limiting me in refacing this point. AND that sentence show's my reluctance still yet to take responsibility for myself. I blame the shame, and go into delay. It's a 'mental route,' if you will, that leads me back into enslavement. I'm beginning to grasp just how dangerous blame can be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through manifesting my fear of failure by allowing my participation within the emotions of shame, embarrassment and discouragement, I have been justifying my reluctance to face this point more thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated to continue my investigation of my nail biting because of how I think others would see me as a failure, or "taking too long" or "writing too much" about this point of nail biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by being honest with my self here, I am able to really walk this point in the necessary depth it will take to be effective, and in the process, other's may read the detail of my story How I actually stopped biting my nails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of going deeper into my mental patterns and habits because of a fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and justify the thought "If I am thorough, and fail, I am screwed."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am manifesting failure through the fear of failure based thought "If I really try hard, and fail, I am hopeless and all I've worked at through self-forgiveness is pointless." Ok, this is opening up. Amazing to actually see what self is thinking by placing it into writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the time to become intimate with myself through writing exploration of the various surface points that come up in relation to the "big" points that seem "impossible" to deal with. In this, I realize that I have not permitted myself a real shot because I want change to happen now, instantly, fast.

Realizing also, that I did in fact have backchat thoughts toward my initial attempt to stop nail biting on Day 14, 15 & 16; which was something like, "I'll span this one out over 3 whole days, so then it'll have to work."

When and as I see myself projecting how long it will take to change, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a subtle yet valid externalization of responsibility to time. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible to living and changing me.

When and as I see myself desiring change to happen fast, I stop I breathe. I realize that change can only happen as fast as I allow, and that when there is resistance to change, further investigation is required. I commit myself to digging deep within the many layers contributing to my nail biting habit, and giving myself plenty of time and space to accomplish this. Thanks for this assistance Garbrielle.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that through this fear, I manifest the result of that which I fear. I commit myself to the breath-by-breath walk of self-change, giving me plenty of time and space, and stopping only when the point is cleared and I am stable within the change.

When and as I myself thinking that "big" points are "impossible," I stop I breathe. I realize that there are multidimensional layers of mental relationships that I have placed within seemingly giant points, such as nail biting. I commit myself to not attempt to go for the quick and easy fix, but realize the amount of work and will that is required to STOP myself, AND THEN take the necessary steps to CHANGE myself.

When and as I see myself failing IF I were to try, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have entered the mental space and forgotten about my breath and the practical application of my physical toward an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to never again letting fear of failure perpetuate my resistance toward a point for an extended period of time without an agreement with myself.

The specific emotions that come up in relation to how I judge myself for biting my nails will be continued in installments to come. Thanks for reading.

For some fascinating perspective that assist with the point of facing failure and self-change:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-316-sensitive-souls-how-to-face.html

Day 168 - Got to get here quick! p.4

Today, I'm going to lay out another dimension of my relationship with time that has to do with time orientation/perspective. I was reading something a while back and the essence of it was: What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?

cc

I was deeply intrigued by this. It opened up a new, multidimensional perspective on time for me. How we each related to time can be experienced by different emotions or lack there of, which has long been my preference. I saw people stressing out, and I didn't want to be like that, so I decided to relax, and treat time as if there was plenty of it. No rush, was more fun. This was before responsibility & maturity started to hit.

In this process of familiarizing myself with who I am as one and equal with the whole of existence, I've suddenly lost all my inessential time. I no longer can waste my free time on purely self-interested indulgences. Have I stopped them all yet? No.

My mission is to find why I am still wasting my time, work through all the layers of self-interested reasoning, let them go with self-forgiveness, and live in alignment with what's best for all. Why would one do this? Why give up fun experiences? It depends on how you frame it, but I call it responsibility. If I want to be effective, I can't waste valuable moments of potential.

This is not a simple point. Much to consider; however, the best-for-all perspective is an incredibly helpful tool of discernment. With it, I can see myself not being responsible. When not responsible, especially in the context of total responsibility for all, I know that I am in self-interest and compromising what's best for self and all.

And it's not about no enjoying self in this existence. There is a balance in being mature and responsible. I do work, I have fun. If I delay work, I don't have fun.

This is it.

I've reached another key to my time orientation problem. I am placing importance on fun, and in so doing, I delay work and compromise true enjoyment. If I just got my responsibilities done first and foremost, I can have fun and balance the equation within. I've been balanced, I suppose balance may very well be inevitable, except I'm not really enjoying myself in this game catch -up during the last minute.

The other side of the coin is captured in this self-definition created around 10 years go: "I procrastinate my work, but I am not a life procrastinator." Essentially telling myself and several others that I do what I can to get ahead in life so I'm successful and can avoid the struggle I associate with not planning.

So, there are a few things going on here, and it all relates back to the question: "What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?" I've been ignoring the importance of my next 5 minutes, and allowing it because I oriented myself to a more long term perspective of making sure that I would be on track within my life. So as long as I knew where I was going in the long term, I only took care of daily responsibilities when I had to, to ensure that my long-term was stable.

That's how I could live with my delay: Through the mental conception of being ahead in life...and one of the determining points of reference for this self-assessment, was of course others. As long as my vision for the future of my life was looking better than others, I was happy, and I rested easy.

Being sober from alcohol for over a year, I've externalized this concept onto people who did get drunk, thinking that they can live with themselves and fuck up their nights, because they allow it because their long-term is on track. It seemed semi-reasonable, and I believed it possible to still be successful and get wasted, as long as the long-term was in check. I didn't let myself realize that I was compromising myself in the same way without alcohol.

Externalization, projection: it can all be brought back to self, and for this perspective I am eternally grateful.

So recap of today's perspective:

- Time is relative to perspective

- Getting ahead in life, permits delay of the moment (NOT)

- Having fun before work is only a good idea within effective planning.

   - Postponing work, unplanned, produces unpleasant outcome in retrospect, nearly every time.

So my goal within all of this, is to figure out why I still exist within delay (one major reason being, justified future/long-term plan), so that my 5 minute plan is responsible in producing an effect that is best for me and all. Simple.

Tomorrow I will continue with a concise version of the points from today followed by specific self-forgiveness.

I leave you with the question(s): How will you spend you next 5 minutes? hour? day? week? month? year? minute? :)

Afterthought

It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty.

Day 167 - Got to get here quick! pt.3

When and as I see myself motivating myself within comparison, I stop I breathe. I realize this has been a large contributor within how I've learned to move myself in this world system. I commit myself to investigating self-honest, self-direction that involves no energy displacement within a relationship, but instead is a movement from within a breath that is common sense and best for all.

The past 2 days I have been taking a look at my orientation toward the haste energy, looking to see where it comes from. Why did I incorporate these particular aspects of haste within my personality?

Reasons:
Fear of being worse / inadequate / not special / behind / unsuccessful
Fear of losing opportunities / experience

That's just what first comes to mind, and it already a lot to work with. So I'll begin and see where my typing fingers take me.

cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being worse than others in a way where I am left in the dust, powerless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not special. But what really matters is that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be special to be at the top of society and have positive life experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling behind and not being able to catch up to where I could have been if only I didn't fail or compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of failure and so fear taking risks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was attracted to risky behavior within myself in trying to hide that I was actually afraid to take serious risks, especially in relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear non acceptance and rejection from others, and for allowing myself to place my self-worth in the hands of others. I now realize that I have been creating my self-concept from what I see of my self in others as mirrors (their reactions to me). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on how others react to me. I commit myself to decoding my self-definitions based in relationships to my external, and realigning the notion of self-discovery with out fear of what I may or may not be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing out on life and the glorious experiences that I could obtain within fleeting moments of opportunity. This is also a big point. Feeling a tad overwhelmed again: "how can I address this giant mode of existence that I long ago defined myself in relation to? I just unpacked/discovered the possibility of self-discovery without defining myself in separation/relation toward others. These are both huge points!"

Well, Dan, keep breathing and give yourself the time to write it out for yourself, so you can see the whole design of it all...

When and as I see myself rushing to be the best that I can be so that I do not end up being less powerful in relation to others, I stop I breathe. I realize this point is largely why I stopped studying math, for when it got more difficult and others started becoming better than me, I shut down..THIS IS IT. This is the design of relying on comparison for self-worth, self-value, self-definition. I commit myself to slowly working through all of these points related to my hasty life orientation complex.

When and as I see myself fearing loss of experience or opportunity for experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that the game of mind, What If? is only a game of mind and based in separation of self, here. I commit myself to working through the layers of this mental process. I commit myself to stop allowing my fear of loss program to compromise the effective application of myself in every moment of every breath.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special, I stop I breathe. I realize this is a whole other massive point that will require a serious amount of space-time to walk through because I have spent a serious amount of space-time participating within and as feeling special/great/greater. I commit myself to flagpointing the moments when I go into feeling special, so that I may write and deconstruct the underlying design herein. I commit myself to not judge myself when I catch myself feeling greater than another. Simply, I take note of it, and work it out for myself in a this self-honest process of self-discovery. I am not here to ego battle any longer.

So, the basis of today is, I've been rushing to become better, from a starting point of fear of being worse/less. This energy stops here. I commit myself to the stability that is here within each moment of self-honest self-direction that requires no energy-relationship to move self.

Self-discovery is fun!

to be continued for at least 2388 more days :)

Related articles

• Day 145 - Fear of losing ______.
• Day 165 - Got to get here quick!
• Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF

Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF

This is a continuation of yesterday. I opened up / exposed a nice handful of working points yesterday and never really did the self-forgiveness specifically for the point related to the title, which is an anxiousness to get done with process. Instead I just anxiously hopped around, kind of dodging this point. Caught myself. What to do? What to do? Ah ha!

And begin:

I forgive myself for having accepted and and allowed myself to want to rush through and get this process of self-purification over and done with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of anxiety herein as an essential component of my current personality that can be dismantled and replaced with a more effective, stable expression of self in relation to completing work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the energy high of haste, not realizing that, in this, I've created a relationship in my mind toward doing work, where I've become dependent on this energy to complete work effectively. I can't even imagine what productive looks or feels like when I'm not within that mentally stimulated energy of haste...yes I can, looks stable, clean, just working without pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate work with pain, and not realize that I've been using the energy of haste to cope with that negative experience of directing myself to accomplish work/tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trying to imagine what it looks like to be productive without energy, not realizing that I am creating another relationships of separation from self-expression here. I realize that I may initially use these types of thoughts to identify who I am in relation to different parts of myself. I commit myself to patiently amalgamating all internal relationships, to eventually stand stable in my breath, here. Whatever that looks like is irrelevant. Imagining it is contrary to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a stable relationship with myself within my breathing.

I realize this point of relating to process, needs to be cleared so that I may effectively walk within and as process. This process is a one and equal expression of and with myself. Ah ha. No more judgement. More more haste. No more ego. Where I fail, I see where work is required. I am doing this for me, alone. Breathe. Do not over-spiritualize process. It is a simple self-direction. I am simply discovering how I've created myself in relation to everything that I found pertinent in my life. This takes time. Breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk this process for me, ad me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relation to others, for comparing myself to others, for getting distracted by comparison, for feeling rushed to get here faster...

When and as I see myself in a state of comparison of self and other in relation to walking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must assist and support myself within my process. I commit myself to stabilizing within process for self alone.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see how I've created a relationship with haste out of the relationship toward others and wanting to be superior.

Ok, I have found a large point (many dimensions), and plan to stick to it. See you tomorrow for the third installment of Got to get here quick!

Day 165 - Got to get here quick!

I was in a rush to drive somewhere today. Had to get there by 2, it was 1:44 and an estimated 20 minutes away. I did my normal 'rushed' routine to make up the time by driving faster and biting my nails. Having just written about stress last night, I stopped and took a breath. Actually, I found that taking that conscious breath helped to stop my energetically focused nail biting. It's cool that the stress behind my nail biting habit is opened up, because I'm ready to keep at this point and actually clear this pattern of literal self-consumption out of nervousness/anxiousness.

I noticed myself in the car, I stopped, and started speaking self-forgiveness. Much like:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bite my nails because I am afraid I won't be able to get there on time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this habit does not get me there faster. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get involved in the energy of hurriedness/haste, not realizing that I can only go as fast as humanly possible.

It was the realization I am limited by my external environment that calmed me down. It's crazy to think that stressing out will somehow make me faster than what's practically, most efficient. So, I drove fast, but not too fast, nor reckless.

Within all of this I realized that I habitually bite my nails when hurried and stressed. That's not the only dimension, but it sure is a significant one. When I was typing the title of this post, I realized that it's not only trying to get there quick, but also trying to get here quick. In other words, I am generally anxious to get this process over with. (My mind just raced through 3-4 thoughts really fast)

1. I've created a rushed character in separation of myself here

2. I'm generally anxious/rushed to get to point B.

3. Whenever I am learning something, I tend to bite my nails (anxious to integrate knowledge...hmm)

4. the #3 thought, has been extensively participated within...so much so, that I have to write more about it. All day I open up points, what?!

Throughout school, I bite and learn, bite and learn, learn while biting, bite while learning. Why? The first stable thought to mind is that sense of multitasking, where I can get my nails taken care of at the same time that I'm using my mental dimension...herein, I've automated the nail biting process from a starting point of anxiety: "not waiting until I got home to use my nail clippers for a proper self-manicure." This form of anxiety was easily and quickly justified at an early age. It made sense.

Ok, and now I'm opening up too many dimensions and feeling the onset of overwhelmed. *Takes a breath* Begin:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify biting my nails because it is time efficient multitasking for when I want to learn.

I've always been driven to learn fast...not sure when that started. I'll come back to this point eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails when I am unable to move faster / fast enough, out of fearing that I will fail in reaching a deadline or destination quickly enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeatedly give up on myself after I start chewing, and allow myself to continue with the abnormally accentuated desire to chew nail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my nail biting character, submit directive control to, and not stand not equal within and as it so that I may take responsibility for effective change. I commit myself to slowly disengage from this habit, locating every relevant memory and flag pointing each self-judgement, until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move within the energy of haste while driving. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see the stressful energy expenditure personality that effectively does nothing to get me to my destination faster. I stop I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to yellow lights in frustration for halting my momentum, and in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money as it takes more gas to get up to speed. Relax Dan. All in due time...ah,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spawn a bunch of what if thoughts while driving, effectively stressing myself out for not being 'there' 'then' when "I could have, if only I had..."

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated on the road, I stop I breathe. I realize that there are only a handful of relevant points to driving: gas, brake, steering, rules, and vectors of external objects. I commit myself to realizing when I am participating in thoughts and energy that do not serve me while driving.

When and as I see myself becoming hurried when I am running a bit late while driving, I stop I breathe. I realize this energy of haste for what it is, I stop it. I commit myself to taking a breath and noting how my mind wanders and which energies I begin to participate in while my thoughts run wild. I commit myself to making a habit of speaking self-forgiveness aloud while in the car where I am not restricted by any external personalities..

When I am alone, I have no motive to maintain face or uphold a particular personality. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be me while in the midst of others. I commit myself to begin slowly getting comfortable saying self-forgiveness out loud in the presence of others, especially when it flows with the conversation / is appropriate within the context of what's here.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed while I open up as many points as I did today, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can stay organized in my side journal and that it is important to stay focused on one point at a time so that I can effectively clear my charges toward it instead of half-ass escaping from the individual responsibility of each dynamic. I realize there are many, many, many, many points I've separated myself from through relating to them. I commit myself to slowing down in my breath, and taking one step at a time.

I commit myself to driving moment to moment, staying here while in the car, and when I don't, to note and explore the point through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to effective planning for traveling such that I do not put myself in rushed positions, and when I do, make note of it for future prevention.

open clip art