The past 2 days I have been taking a look at my orientation toward the haste energy, looking to see where it comes from. Why did I incorporate these particular aspects of haste within my personality?
Reasons:
Fear of being worse / inadequate / not special / behind / unsuccessful
Fear of losing opportunities / experience
That's just what first comes to mind, and it already a lot to work with. So I'll begin and see where my typing fingers take me.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not special. But what really matters is that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be special to be at the top of society and have positive life experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling behind and not being able to catch up to where I could have been if only I didn't fail or compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of failure and so fear taking risks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was attracted to risky behavior within myself in trying to hide that I was actually afraid to take serious risks, especially in relationships with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear non acceptance and rejection from others, and for allowing myself to place my self-worth in the hands of others. I now realize that I have been creating my self-concept from what I see of my self in others as mirrors (their reactions to me). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on how others react to me. I commit myself to decoding my self-definitions based in relationships to my external, and realigning the notion of self-discovery with out fear of what I may or may not be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing out on life and the glorious experiences that I could obtain within fleeting moments of opportunity. This is also a big point. Feeling a tad overwhelmed again: "how can I address this giant mode of existence that I long ago defined myself in relation to? I just unpacked/discovered the possibility of self-discovery without defining myself in separation/relation toward others. These are both huge points!"
Well, Dan, keep breathing and give yourself the time to write it out for yourself, so you can see the whole design of it all...
When and as I see myself rushing to be the best that I can be so that I do not end up being less powerful in relation to others, I stop I breathe. I realize this point is largely why I stopped studying math, for when it got more difficult and others started becoming better than me, I shut down..THIS IS IT. This is the design of relying on comparison for self-worth, self-value, self-definition. I commit myself to slowly working through all of these points related to my hasty life orientation complex.
When and as I see myself fearing loss of experience or opportunity for experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that the game of mind, What If? is only a game of mind and based in separation of self, here. I commit myself to working through the layers of this mental process. I commit myself to stop allowing my fear of loss program to compromise the effective application of myself in every moment of every breath.
When and as I see myself thinking that I am special, I stop I breathe. I realize this is a whole other massive point that will require a serious amount of space-time to walk through because I have spent a serious amount of space-time participating within and as feeling special/great/greater. I commit myself to flagpointing the moments when I go into feeling special, so that I may write and deconstruct the underlying design herein. I commit myself to not judge myself when I catch myself feeling greater than another. Simply, I take note of it, and work it out for myself in a this self-honest process of self-discovery. I am not here to ego battle any longer.
So, the basis of today is, I've been rushing to become better, from a starting point of fear of being worse/less. This energy stops here. I commit myself to the stability that is here within each moment of self-honest self-direction that requires no energy-relationship to move self.
Self-discovery is fun!
to be continued for at least 2388 more days :)
Cool blog!
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