Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes

So, I feel less rushed after the past 6 days of focusing on the topic. There will be more layers to address, but for the moment I am comfortable with not being moved by that urgency/haste energy. I feel like it's simply up to me to do work. Tonight, I was having trouble pushing myself to write this, but I am not writing from that last minute motion. I'm writing from wanting to just get this done with already so I can move onto other things.

Tonight is about a procrastination-like sub-pattern: Zoning out or Spacing out...Which is actually quite expansive.

This moment is when I follow some random thought away from here. So this can be considered a very broad/general point. I noticed it today while I was playing soccer: I was off into a thought; I can't remember what exactly I was thinking about, but I was suddenly aware of how far from here I was. My body was physically present, but I was lost in thought. I was moving into position and somehow just trusting my space-time position was correct. And because I didn't need to be absolutely present at that moment, I allowed myself not to be.

So this is a matter of simple allowance. This happens a lot. I'm sure it happens to most of us. For me to stop it in the entirety of all my participation, it will be a process. Being an ingrained, habitual pattern that spans many specific behaviors and circumstances, I will have the purpose of today focused on where I enter my zoned out states, to sort of map it out for myself, initially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts along a journey of mind where I was hardly even present with my thoughts, let alone the physical existence of myself within every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to remove myself from the physical reality living walk and go into a mental space from which I allow myself to follow a distraction. This pertains to all of the problem points I've been writing about, but the common examples that first come to mind: video games, candy, desire for female interaction, social interaction in general, boredom, fear, nail biting.

Dang, here, it's easy to get overwhelmed even with this partial list. To focus on just one point at a time is the only effective way to face the mind. Why am I typically so inclined to be general? I think it's fear related...maybe a fear that I need to have the whole picture laid out before me so that I know what is there, what is left, how much more effort is needed. This is silly. Comparable to OCD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost within process and believe that if I map all of me out first then I will more effectively walk my process, not realizing that this preparation work is akin to procrastination. This is desire to reduce uncertainty. Fear of unknowledgeable. I see this design in my mother: always asking why to not, not know. Turning it back on myself hadn't been so obvious.

I see and realize myself deviating from today's topic because of following the mental energy, not directing myself here. I did somewhat allow it within stating today as general and not a specific point, however I did not clearly direct my starting point as a rant. It's just turned into it. Through realizations, I can change my starting point whenever I want. That's nice :)

Ok, I'm going to expand on this further tomorrow. TBC