Here forward:
As I sit to write, I commit myself to leave no stone unturned as I investigate all the nooks and crannies of myself, so that I may clear any and all dissonance, and align my structural resonance into a living application of my best self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the nature of delay/procrastination/postponement, where I believe I've giving myself more time today, I'm robbing myself of progression and life itself!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my process by manipulating myself to opt for the quick fix of energy, instead of the long term, big picture, integrated alignment of my best self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a parallel reality of complacent acceptance within postponement, where I delude myself into a perspective that is less than comprehensive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a discombobulated perspective through acceptance and rapidly reacting to my world through my personal desires and fears.
I commit myself to take structural action to align my living day proportionally so all my highest responsibilities are being done, and fully enjoying my fun :)
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Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Day 360 - Full Circle
360°
When you turn three hundred and sixty degrees, where do you end?
At the beginning. At the starting point.
I've been experiencing many different forms of resistance in writing this post. I haven't yet given myself the time to self-honestly look at each form because I keep allowing the resistance to guide me away from facing myself. I must, I will...I commit myself to direct myself to write the specific self-forgiveness for the points with which I experience resistance toward writing in general, that I am still using to sabotage my process.
The connection I see here is how I've been feeling like I had at the very beginning of my Journey to Life. Before I started, I had very specific backchat that would come up in my mind that convinced me that I should just put off writing and participating in process. To not face myself is so easy. I have the vision of accomplishment, I sit to do the work, resistance comes up, and I go watch an episode on TV, or eat cereal, or play a game, or go socialize, really anything that I can just exist without having to question who I am...
That's pretty intense to write out. The purpose and reason that I started writing this blog was to start seeing the truth of myself...the very thing that I resist. I know I need to see all of me, take responsibility for each behavior I have in every relationship, especially if I don't like it. Only at this point of self-honesty can I stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burrow deep into layers of resistance to not have to face what I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my writing before I even begin writing and not realize how this is a self deception and self sabotage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my excuses and justifications aligned with the resistance energy are valid and worth following.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must write with a specific style so that I can please my readers with a delightful digest of my self-expression, forgetting that I am writing for me,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back to the beginning and forget that I must continue to push myself to write and face myself, in every moment here forward, until it is no longer a push, and I stand stable, living what is best for all within equality and oneness.
It amazes me how I can just go into a time-loop like this. Meaning, where I shift into a perspective or personality for a certain amount of time and forget about the bigger picture. We all do it. I see it in everyone around me. It's like we all live in extended moments of limited experience, going from one to the next. We react to our environment with thoughts, and then we react to those thoughts, and BAM!! In it again. "One more round of pre-determined experience please!"
So, I dedicate today to realizing not only how I've time-looped my past 360 days, but also how I time-loop in my day-to-day living, as well as time-looping in my hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute...dare I say breath-to-breath?
I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment of presence, here, to check myself and take a look at how I'm looking at things. When and as I see that I am within a perspective that doesn't support what is best for me, I can be damn sure that I'm not operating within what is best for all, so I commit myself to then direct myself to right about the perspective based in limitation, so that I may begin to open up new dimensions of understanding myself.
When and as I see myself judging myself before I start writing, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's just an excuse based within a resistance feeling-energy. I commit myself to write about the specifics of my experience of that resistance energy before too long, while it's still here, so I don't hide it from myself. Within this, I realize that I must practice and become more disciplined to write and see me self-honestly, but within this, I commit myself to not use this realization as a backdoor to not give my full effort within my personal process of developing self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking that "my process will take a long time, and I will fall a lot, so it's okay when I fall, it's to be expected, don't worry, it'll all work out in the end." No! This process is not the automatic, push-play and sit back kind of deal that I've been hoping it was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to wish and hope that my process to self-honesty would unfold naturally and without much more effort than the initial decision to walk it. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to walk each step of this process in real time, with myself, here, within and as each moment, every breath, the whole way through. I do this. I walk myself out of my time-looping mind programs. I direct myself to be a responsible care taker of myself and this world in doing what is best. I commit myself to end every time-loop I have created, even if it takes me 40 years to do so.
photo: deviant art
Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits
There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.
Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!
Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.
I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.
There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)
What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.
I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.
I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.
Day 317 - Supporting Myself Through Resistance
There is a fluctuation within my ability to effectively direct myself. In some moments, I have a clear sense of why I move. In other moments, I am noticeably in a reaction when I move into a distraction. The interesting thing here is that I can notice when I am not self-directive. If I can see when I am not in alignment with a particular goal that is of high priority, then why would I allow myself to not do what needs to be done? Simply put, I am not being honest with myself.
If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.
So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.
Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.
Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.
When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.
Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.
When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.
When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all. I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.
I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.
Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.
To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:
If I were self-honest in every moment, I would see exactly what my motivations are and why I am ignoring and resisting particular tasks. So why am I resisting self-honesty? It's a really silly thing when I look at the answers that come up for me as I ask myself this question. It looks like I am ashamed that I am not productive / effective, and because of this negative experience of shame, I avoid the task to prevent the shame. It snowballs backwards. It's a negative feedback loop. It's not even logical when considering each part of the equation. Doing the task does not produce the shame, NOT doing the task does. Somehow, I've created a fallacy in associating the shame with the task, instead of the NOT doing of the task.
So, when being self-honest here, I do not allow the emotion to turn me away from the task. That feeds the problem, and only by reacting to the experience do I create and compound this aspect within the design of resistance. Yesterday, I wrote the self-forgiveness primarily on the overwhelmingness reaction and separation of myself from the resistance energy in a blame-victim relationship to it.
Today, I realize that there are several aspects / layers to why I am not 100% self-directive yet. I stop, I breathe. I can only move at the pace at which I push myself.
Basically there are two forms of living life, and one of them can hardly be called living. Either we react to our environment, and from a certain conscious perspective, we feel in control and we feel like we react in a reasonable manner. This is the more robotic form, but it doesn't feel like it because we, as egos, personally programmed our reactions, based on past experiences, to produce a favorable outcome. The other way to actually life and lead a life, is by noticing the reactive tendencies, taking a breath, considering the options and choosing what is best. And not just what is best for self. Life supports life. Ego supports ego. When weighing the options, the obvious choice from a life perspective is doing what is best for all life. Only by truly considering what is here, the consequences, and benefits, does one see the Best option. From within the reaction, the ego is the primary driver, and it does not consider everything carefully, functioning within the limited database of personal experience. And thus, a world of mistakes and misunderstandings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within experience and not breathe myself into stability before I go into a distraction action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest when I move into a distraction by ignoring / suppressing the (subtly) known consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress known consequences through various means of self-interested, selective perspective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I suppress consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I'm not breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the connection between self-honesty, breathing, and slowing down to consider my exact motivations within each and every task/distraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am to do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when I do not do an excellent job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I spiral and compound my lack of doing an excellent job by reacting to the fact that I am not doing an excellent job, instead of realizing what must be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that simply doing what needs to be done is the only effective way to do an excellent job, and all emotional reaction that brings me to act in a way that is outside of what simply must be done is completely useless and even detrimental to the cause.
When and as I see myself in reaction to task resistance, I stop I breathe. I realize that this reaction is not a self-honest assessment of what is here. I commit myself to flag pointing task resistance and utilizing the awareness of this moment to distinguish and determine my motivations.
Within this I commit myself to investigate my motivations and understand why I am allowing repetitive patterns of ineffective actions that are self-compromising.
When and as I see myself disregarding consequence, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have hidden the actuality and the totality of the consequential outflows just enough, so that I may allow them to slide by without much consideration. I commit myself to flag pointing these seemingly tiny moments of allowed deviance from my task. There is quantum level movement here that I have programmed into my flesh. It's become my automation, and I no longer accept and allow this outdated programming to run my life.
When and as I see myself using an excuse to justify my delay / distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize here is another moment of ego defense that must be investigated, deconstructed, and deleted if it does not serve what is best for all. I commit myself to continue educating myself on how I've constructed my reactive body, so that I may acknowledge, take responsibility for, and bring myself through actual, lasting self-change.
I commit myself to realizing myself as one and equal with the physical. Every wasted moment of those in process = lives.
Investigate your programming. Investigate the global programming.
Become the solution. Support Equal Money.
To get a better understanding of why and how to 'light a fire under your ass', I suggest this insightful interview:
Day 294 - Becoming Efficient
There's an interesting dynamic going on within me. I have a perception that I and loaded with work to do, and then I perceive that for a moment it doesn't matter.
Procrastination.
The design of delay is what is going on here. I've been writing about this for a while now, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. The key factors to consider are 1) how I feel in a moment of resistance; 2) how I let that feeling guide me; 3) Perspective/Context dynamics
1) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to the uncomfortable feeling of resistance when faced with work/application. I realize myself as the creator of this resistance energy-feeling. I commit myself to breathe until stable, instead of reacting to the feeling and thus validating/empowering its purpose/existence.
2) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the energy of resistance by reacting to it. I forgive myself for not realizing who I am within submitting to the resistance. When and as I see myself within a reaction to resistance, I breathe, I stop. "Is this who I am right now?" I ask myself. I commit myself to asking this question.
3) I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the discontinuity in my perspective when I am driven to accomplish vs accepting and allowing delay. I forgive myself for allowing myself to subscribe/buy into the delay perspective - that it doesn't matter and I can do work later, not understanding the gravity of consequence within this perspective.
I see and realize my obligation to direct myself in every moment. Even if I am going to relax and take a break, I must direct that without suppressing that feeling of pending responsibilities. When I allow my mind as feelings and emotions and justifications to guide me away from self-direction, I am making a statement that I am weaker than my own mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as weaker than my mind, not realizing my oneness and equality with it and the mild to intense energetic experiences it/I produce.
Plan the hour in context of the day. Plan the day in context of the week/month. Realize the continuity. If not now, when? Do work.
Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
I've been hesitant to open up the desire point for a long time. Simply because I fear to lose what I desire, come to find out, this is already inherent within the desire. I listed to some solid EQAFE support related to desire, giving it some perceptual context. If either of these call out to you, When Desire Becomes Overwhelming & Why Obsession takes over when Meeting someone New, they are worthy, supportive purchases. I'll share a few of the realizations I had from listening (while bike riding:) to these two interviews, as well as a few insights I picked up from simply studying the desteni material.
There are a lot of dimensions to desire (taste, sex, money, and everything within that), so I'm going to stick to writing about my key realizations today, and just go deeper in my writing as I go deeper in life.
- Desire is Lack
I desire money because I do not have money. Simple. I desire love and affection, because I do not give them to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself love and affection, believing that I can only get this from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money, not realizing that I have to do work to make money. I commit myself to the realization that I give myself value through and by hard work.
- Desire is not based in Reality
I desire the half naked model in the magazine. I desire a point of experience in separation of all the steps it takes to get there (i.e. sex)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with a virtually unobtainable model in a magazine purely based on image and imagination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine sex-compatibility when I first meet a girl, based on her image/voice and how that might play out in the bedroom, never giving myself the change to meet people unconditionally as living equals.
- Desire is inconsiderate of the physical
I desire another Reese's Egg. I desire to eat cereal instead of finishing my blog first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply allow the energy of taste-desire to move me against my will, and within that forgetting to breathe and stablize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my desire for escape by fighting within myself and ultimately giving into the growing/overwhelming energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay a project of self-direction because of resistance coupled with desired outlets. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance and desire by moving within them and not taking an actual, directive stand to breathe and be here with my choices, instead of going into an internal mind chatter-debate where the initial desire energy compounds and wins more often than not.
- Desire is one dimensional, and childlike
I want this. I want that. My beingness is engulfed and fixated by a single point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the inability to not mature and take into consideration a much bigger picture to make an educated, stable decision based on all affected relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience that I desire, not realizing that the fear contributes to the desire drive in the first place.
--
When and as I see myself within desire, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an energy experience that will snowball and become very hard to stop if I do not find stability in the physical existence that is here. I commit myself to questioning myself: Where do I perceive lack within myself?
When and as I see myself desiring to have sex with the idea of someone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am obsessing over someone without any real context to my daily life. I commit myself to stop recklessly pursing women based on desire for sex without regard of all related aspects of that journey.
When and as I see myself craving for more candy, I stop I breathe. I stop and breathe for awhile. Really be here with myself. I realize the suppressive internal fight only strengthens the desire energy as all too many times I have given in with, "I don't care about the indistinguishable consequences, go for it." I commit myself to realizing what I am really doing by giving into desire. I commit myself to realizing that I am strengthening energetic desire by participating within it, either by just giving in and going with it or by internal friction-conflict-suppression fighting with it/myself as it.
When and as I see myself fixated on obtaining one item of desire. I stop I breathe. I take a moment to consider where I am, and what I am doing, what else I should be doing, and why. I realize that it's easy to get lost in desire, identifying with it so closely that I become possessed-like as I move with desire. I commit myself to utilizing my breath and self-forgiveness to remove myself from the energetic fixation, and release the pattern of repetitive desire/lack/fear.
Thanks.
There are a lot of dimensions to desire (taste, sex, money, and everything within that), so I'm going to stick to writing about my key realizations today, and just go deeper in my writing as I go deeper in life.
- Desire is Lack
I desire money because I do not have money. Simple. I desire love and affection, because I do not give them to myself.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself love and affection, believing that I can only get this from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money, not realizing that I have to do work to make money. I commit myself to the realization that I give myself value through and by hard work.
- Desire is not based in Reality
I desire the half naked model in the magazine. I desire a point of experience in separation of all the steps it takes to get there (i.e. sex)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with a virtually unobtainable model in a magazine purely based on image and imagination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine sex-compatibility when I first meet a girl, based on her image/voice and how that might play out in the bedroom, never giving myself the change to meet people unconditionally as living equals.
- Desire is inconsiderate of the physical
I desire another Reese's Egg. I desire to eat cereal instead of finishing my blog first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply allow the energy of taste-desire to move me against my will, and within that forgetting to breathe and stablize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my desire for escape by fighting within myself and ultimately giving into the growing/overwhelming energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay a project of self-direction because of resistance coupled with desired outlets. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance and desire by moving within them and not taking an actual, directive stand to breathe and be here with my choices, instead of going into an internal mind chatter-debate where the initial desire energy compounds and wins more often than not.
- Desire is one dimensional, and childlike
I want this. I want that. My beingness is engulfed and fixated by a single point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the inability to not mature and take into consideration a much bigger picture to make an educated, stable decision based on all affected relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience that I desire, not realizing that the fear contributes to the desire drive in the first place.
--
When and as I see myself within desire, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an energy experience that will snowball and become very hard to stop if I do not find stability in the physical existence that is here. I commit myself to questioning myself: Where do I perceive lack within myself?
When and as I see myself desiring to have sex with the idea of someone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am obsessing over someone without any real context to my daily life. I commit myself to stop recklessly pursing women based on desire for sex without regard of all related aspects of that journey.
When and as I see myself craving for more candy, I stop I breathe. I stop and breathe for awhile. Really be here with myself. I realize the suppressive internal fight only strengthens the desire energy as all too many times I have given in with, "I don't care about the indistinguishable consequences, go for it." I commit myself to realizing what I am really doing by giving into desire. I commit myself to realizing that I am strengthening energetic desire by participating within it, either by just giving in and going with it or by internal friction-conflict-suppression fighting with it/myself as it.
When and as I see myself fixated on obtaining one item of desire. I stop I breathe. I take a moment to consider where I am, and what I am doing, what else I should be doing, and why. I realize that it's easy to get lost in desire, identifying with it so closely that I become possessed-like as I move with desire. I commit myself to utilizing my breath and self-forgiveness to remove myself from the energetic fixation, and release the pattern of repetitive desire/lack/fear.
Thanks.
"If you become emotional (angry, sad, fearful, anxious etc.) or experience feelings (love, desire, happiness etc.) – know that you are allowing yourself to be directed and controlled by consciousness as your mind as what you have defined yourself as."- The wiki
Day 214 - Self-movement: Continued Expansion
Every little movement taken into consideration. It was quite obvious when this wasn't happening, like some half zoned-out state where much less detail is taken and and I am simultaneously experiencing an energy/thought. As I sit down to write this post, I am really worn/tired from the long day on the hill. I find it interesting that this energy fluctuation is how I've validating the resistance. I actually experience this strong desire to not have to write and face myself at this moment. I am tired, but I really just don't want to take the time and effort (interestingly enough) to push out another post. "Daily!? Seriously? This is what I committed to??" :)
What is interesting about the time & effort dynamic relationship toward this self-writing? Precisely that. That it is a dynamic relationship and requires a certain level of energy to get through it...which now leads me to believe that my energy infused writing is not of comprehensive detail.. fascinating connection. I'll explain.
While I was snowboarding, I had become much more aware of my movement and even my breathing, having given myself the context from yesterday's post.What I noticed was how the quick movement through the bumps of snow and how I had to adjust my weight and move to adapt, it was a lot of fun. So in a similar regard to how I find parkour to be fun, it wasn't something that I could done while zoned out, off in my head space somewhere. Except there were times when my mind took a larger dominion than my physical, space-time awareness.
This happened when there was a straightaway, and when going off a rather large jump. With the straightaway, I caught me in my mind when I put my hands up like I was flying. I questioned the movement and realized it as a display for others, noting the moment as a departure from the physical. I scan/see that minimal adaptive effort is required and then I could release from the physical awareness effort and just bomb that section of the hill. With the large jump: fear.
Fear stepped in as doubt, uncertainty, hesitation. It was a relatively unfamiliar experience of flight. The take off is this experience of increasing extra gravity, and then before I know it, I'm wrestling for balance in mid air. Thankfully, I only fell hard once, and my butt absorbed most of the shock.
So there are a lot of cool parallel insights here: When and why I leave physical awareness (i.e. I think I know it enough detail to be able to check out/automate my physical). How it is that I stay within energy (i.e. internal resistance struggle).
Ok, I'll continue tomorrow...after this one:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride within energy fluctuation to get things done, not realizing that the flip-side is an experience of not having enough energy to get things done. When and as I see myself procrastinating within a starting point of internal resistance from not having enough energy to to something. I stop I breathe. I realize this is a consequence of my habitual participation within using positive energy experience to become motivated. I commit myself realizing what the resistance energy is composed of/from.
See you tomorrow.
What is interesting about the time & effort dynamic relationship toward this self-writing? Precisely that. That it is a dynamic relationship and requires a certain level of energy to get through it...which now leads me to believe that my energy infused writing is not of comprehensive detail.. fascinating connection. I'll explain.
This happened when there was a straightaway, and when going off a rather large jump. With the straightaway, I caught me in my mind when I put my hands up like I was flying. I questioned the movement and realized it as a display for others, noting the moment as a departure from the physical. I scan/see that minimal adaptive effort is required and then I could release from the physical awareness effort and just bomb that section of the hill. With the large jump: fear.
Fear stepped in as doubt, uncertainty, hesitation. It was a relatively unfamiliar experience of flight. The take off is this experience of increasing extra gravity, and then before I know it, I'm wrestling for balance in mid air. Thankfully, I only fell hard once, and my butt absorbed most of the shock.
So there are a lot of cool parallel insights here: When and why I leave physical awareness (i.e. I think I know it enough detail to be able to check out/automate my physical). How it is that I stay within energy (i.e. internal resistance struggle).
Ok, I'll continue tomorrow...after this one:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride within energy fluctuation to get things done, not realizing that the flip-side is an experience of not having enough energy to get things done. When and as I see myself procrastinating within a starting point of internal resistance from not having enough energy to to something. I stop I breathe. I realize this is a consequence of my habitual participation within using positive energy experience to become motivated. I commit myself realizing what the resistance energy is composed of/from.
See you tomorrow.
Day 213 - Self-movement: Perspective
Today, I kept thinking about this perspective for some reason. It's the perspective of the detailed effort involved in a physical movement or set of movements to get a task done. This is hard to describe inside of myself, so I'ma write it out!
This perspective that I am going to do my best to describe it seemingly common sense movement. Great example: Walking across the street. What does it take to do that? FIRST, it's a turning of the head in both directions to check for cars. Then, there is a step, followed by another step, etc, but even before that there is a neck movement to place one's head slightly off balance in the direction we want to walk.
One of my real life examples from today: I waxed my snowboard for the first time, so maybe that was another reason why my movement-perception wasn't so automated. From one perspective it takes a lot of work, almost an overwhelming amount of work (thus the $8 alternative of paying someone else to do it). This overwhelming perspective happens before any time is spent. When one is willing to dedicate the time, the series of steps naturally unfolds when the tools and the know-how are available. Heat the iron, drip the wax, spread the wax with the iron, scrape off the excess, clean up the excess, turn off the iron. Even this quick description I didn't immediately think about having to toss the excess wax in the trash. Heck, we could have swept the floor if we wanted to be thorough.
The point of sharing this perspective is to unfold the decision process and bring a little awareness to the physical. I notice that I make quite a few decisions based on the perception of all the effort required to complete a set of physical movements for a given task. This "effort" is a loaded term. Effort is relative. How I relate to work determines effort perception. The relationship indicates a separation, and I think with today, for some reason, I was more tuned into what is required to complete physical tasks in a simplistic perspective that was intriguing. Just doing what has to be done.
The inverse perspective (instead of this perspective), is that the movement is automated. Decision to cross the street does not normally consider ALL of the physical movements/effort because there is a relationship toward these movements. Tilting the head forward is easy. Placing one foot in front of the other by bending the knee in conjunction with a minimal effort abdominal contraction is easy. The only real consideration that happens is how many of steps it will take.If the road is 7 miles wide (i know, crazy) then we may choose not to cross the road depending on the reward vs effort of walking that far.
Yes, this is a broad perspective, but I was intrigued with insight. It's not a new perspective, but I've never written about it before. It's a perspective I am drawn to and the primary reason I like to study parkour, free running, and everything related to balance. I really like trying to understand and gain mastery over the physical movement through space time...I think I like it because there is so much room to learn, grow expand my body vocabulary. The newness of learning how to balance on a unicycle is some kind of physical intimacy.
Again, the inverse perspective would be that I already know how to...make a sandwich, or say with yoga, when I already know a posture or a movement, it is automated. I make a decision, and my mind just put my body there automatically, and I have room to think about something else. Ah, here lies the crux of it all. Long distance running, another example, on a treadmill even. The know-how of each physical body movement is squared away in the mind, and it leaves the space for us to zone out and think other thoughts and daydream. With parkour, there is more of a continual challenge and adaptation to the environment that keeps me more present with the physical reality. The main flag point of mind participation within parkour is when ego and pride step in, especially when others are saying "ohhhh, so cool, great job!" And that's how people get hurt: trying to uphold a reputation of being good or great instead of practically considering the physical limitations.
Ok, join me for some self-forgiveness tomorrow. There's a lot to this perceptual shift, and I want to see how deep I can go in releasing my physical movement programs. Also, I will report on what I notice in relation to daydreaming (separation from the physical) that occurs while I'm boarding down the mountain.
This perspective that I am going to do my best to describe it seemingly common sense movement. Great example: Walking across the street. What does it take to do that? FIRST, it's a turning of the head in both directions to check for cars. Then, there is a step, followed by another step, etc, but even before that there is a neck movement to place one's head slightly off balance in the direction we want to walk.
One of my real life examples from today: I waxed my snowboard for the first time, so maybe that was another reason why my movement-perception wasn't so automated. From one perspective it takes a lot of work, almost an overwhelming amount of work (thus the $8 alternative of paying someone else to do it). This overwhelming perspective happens before any time is spent. When one is willing to dedicate the time, the series of steps naturally unfolds when the tools and the know-how are available. Heat the iron, drip the wax, spread the wax with the iron, scrape off the excess, clean up the excess, turn off the iron. Even this quick description I didn't immediately think about having to toss the excess wax in the trash. Heck, we could have swept the floor if we wanted to be thorough.
The point of sharing this perspective is to unfold the decision process and bring a little awareness to the physical. I notice that I make quite a few decisions based on the perception of all the effort required to complete a set of physical movements for a given task. This "effort" is a loaded term. Effort is relative. How I relate to work determines effort perception. The relationship indicates a separation, and I think with today, for some reason, I was more tuned into what is required to complete physical tasks in a simplistic perspective that was intriguing. Just doing what has to be done.
The inverse perspective (instead of this perspective), is that the movement is automated. Decision to cross the street does not normally consider ALL of the physical movements/effort because there is a relationship toward these movements. Tilting the head forward is easy. Placing one foot in front of the other by bending the knee in conjunction with a minimal effort abdominal contraction is easy. The only real consideration that happens is how many of steps it will take.If the road is 7 miles wide (i know, crazy) then we may choose not to cross the road depending on the reward vs effort of walking that far.
Yes, this is a broad perspective, but I was intrigued with insight. It's not a new perspective, but I've never written about it before. It's a perspective I am drawn to and the primary reason I like to study parkour, free running, and everything related to balance. I really like trying to understand and gain mastery over the physical movement through space time...I think I like it because there is so much room to learn, grow expand my body vocabulary. The newness of learning how to balance on a unicycle is some kind of physical intimacy.
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| free use flickr image |
Again, the inverse perspective would be that I already know how to...make a sandwich, or say with yoga, when I already know a posture or a movement, it is automated. I make a decision, and my mind just put my body there automatically, and I have room to think about something else. Ah, here lies the crux of it all. Long distance running, another example, on a treadmill even. The know-how of each physical body movement is squared away in the mind, and it leaves the space for us to zone out and think other thoughts and daydream. With parkour, there is more of a continual challenge and adaptation to the environment that keeps me more present with the physical reality. The main flag point of mind participation within parkour is when ego and pride step in, especially when others are saying "ohhhh, so cool, great job!" And that's how people get hurt: trying to uphold a reputation of being good or great instead of practically considering the physical limitations.
Ok, join me for some self-forgiveness tomorrow. There's a lot to this perceptual shift, and I want to see how deep I can go in releasing my physical movement programs. Also, I will report on what I notice in relation to daydreaming (separation from the physical) that occurs while I'm boarding down the mountain.
Day 210 - Shifting Motivation Source
I'm beginning to realize more the extent to which I've been relying on time pressure to get stuff done. This whole delay system fuses and takes over when I am not directing myself. I've started by writing and working with mostly the outside layers, that which is readily apparent. I yearn to dig deeper but have been reluctant primarily because I don't think I have the capability to completely uproot and disintegrate some of these more deeply ingrained patterns. It's an illusion.
In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."
Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work. So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?
I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.
So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.
So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
--
When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.
When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha
When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.
In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."
Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work. So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?
I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.
So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.
So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.
 |
| cc |
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
--
When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.
When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha
When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.
Day 209 - Moment by Moment, Through Resistance
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| ...like these weeds from flickr |
While I was outside pulling weeds, I had the thought that 'oh, this is going to take forever,' but I started anyways knowing that the only way it will get done is if I start doing it. Sometimes, the overwhelmingness overrides the common sense of just start working to get it all done. I have a bit of both in me and I see the contrasting orientations toward work in my parents. Mommy get frustrated and overwhelmed; Dad steps in to save the day with his "one bite at a time" philosophy. I flip flop depending on the day or type of work.
The bottom line is, I'm getting sick of struggling with resistance. It's a self-compromising allowance, and I'm going to hit every resistance point until I am stable in solidifying my decision of who I am in relation to completing my work. Thanks for the perspective Anu (20)!
Ok, so to the specific point of the evening. I want to capture the nature of this perspective shit, and move into related forgiveness (direction set :). There is an unclear attempt to conceptualize the whole. To quantify the whole. So when I am faced with some massive or tedious work, I try to fit it all into my brain and during that process, I give up. I become defeated by the extensiveness. "It's too much." And then I don't move to make any practical steps of completion. Quite silly, actually. This discouragement that arises out of trying to move to quickly through a process, IN MY HEAD, before I even start physically working on the task at hand.
Why is the inclination to capture the whole picture before starting? Ah, there is a key here.
This is why writing is so effective for the self-realization process. It gives the opportunity to conceptualize and quantify the bigger picture, AND THEN, one can process the realizations to produce real self-change. And here I am. I've been pushing through layers of resistance ever since I started this Blog. So easy to allow the overwhelmingness program to take over and shut me down. I say NO MORE!
(Just now, I went into the resistance, so obviously, this will not all happen all at once, as I repeatedly hope for it to work like that. I want each thing I look at to be fit into one moment, over and done. Instead of realizing/identifying with the step-by-step, moment by moment unraveling process, the tendency is to try to do it all, understand it all in just one moment. Mind.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to conceptualize and finish work before I start a physical process. In this I understand how I have been trying to "fit it all" in my head, with the excuse that only then can I start working on it. The past pattern is such that I give up in this stage of wanting to grasp all the steps or required work, and only when time constraints force me to work, do I physically do the work. So, I end up producing a lesser work, or rather a work that is not purely representative of my expression, because it is tainted with haste.
Within this self-forgiveness process, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay/resist my writing. I have been putting it off until the last moment because I do not want to actually face myself. I have not yet really stood up for myself purely, and it might be awhile before my motivation within this is pure. But simply allowing the repetitive procrastination to invade in on my process, not cool Dan. I commit myself to sort this out. What exactly does this entail? A plan. I can't continue to delay and pump out posts on a whim, and then hope to be successful. That's not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought "it's too much.."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within the thought "it's too much.."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that large/complex tasks are "too much," before I begin a physical process of discernment either through writing or taking the first few steps. I obviously can't trust myself to make decisions in my head. They are too biased by predictive programming as thought/feelings/emotions. Until I am stable in my application of or alignment with what's best for all, I commit myself to investigate through writing what is necessary within my decision to take on work in a moment.
When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am in that moment is making a statement that I am directed by my mind. I commit myself to standing up and directing myself from a clear starting point. OOoo, a key point that I see more clearly now.
Within my commitment statements and and self-forgiveness process in general, I am afraid that I will not be effective in producing real self-change. This is a struggle for many of the walking destonians, I'm sure. It is no more than another program of self-doubt. What I have just realized was the extent to which it is limiting me. And it's very related to this whole big picture/small step thing. The fashion of how it pops up varies, and specific forgiveness will be required for each...and yet there is another form of resistance, which is also tied in: the tendency to generalize and capture the whole thing all at once. Breathe.
A lot will come up as I investigate. I know this, yet I am still taken aback with the information overload sometimes.
When and as I see myself overloaded with information and trying to process it all at once, I stop I breathe. I realize that through writing, I am able to return and break down what I have written. I commit myself to diagramming my process. I've wanted to do this for awhile now, and now that I'm reaching a more serious level of application. It's time to start really making this a priority. I am figuring me out and I'd like to chart it visually. That's what I'll do.
When and as I see myself trying to fit the whole process into one moment of consideration, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only move as fast as space-time will practically allow, so no more rushing in my head because that typically renders me useless as I give up before a practical step is taken. I commit myself to slowing down, pacing my process, and giving myself more time of day to work with myself in understanding who I am within my daily events.
Ok, getting to be kind of a long post. Thanks for reading.
The linked interview above is highly recommended for newer Destonians struggling with resistance.
Day 168 - Got to get here quick! p.4
Today, I'm going to lay out another dimension of my relationship with time that has to do with time orientation/perspective. I was reading something a while back and the essence of it was: What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?
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| cc |
I was deeply intrigued by this. It opened up a new, multidimensional perspective on time for me. How we each related to time can be experienced by different emotions or lack there of, which has long been my preference. I saw people stressing out, and I didn't want to be like that, so I decided to relax, and treat time as if there was plenty of it. No rush, was more fun. This was before responsibility & maturity started to hit.
In this process of familiarizing myself with who I am as one and equal with the whole of existence, I've suddenly lost all my inessential time. I no longer can waste my free time on purely self-interested indulgences. Have I stopped them all yet? No.
My mission is to find why I am still wasting my time, work through all the layers of self-interested reasoning, let them go with self-forgiveness, and live in alignment with what's best for all. Why would one do this? Why give up fun experiences? It depends on how you frame it, but I call it responsibility. If I want to be effective, I can't waste valuable moments of potential.
This is not a simple point. Much to consider; however, the best-for-all perspective is an incredibly helpful tool of discernment. With it, I can see myself not being responsible. When not responsible, especially in the context of total responsibility for all, I know that I am in self-interest and compromising what's best for self and all.
And it's not about no enjoying self in this existence. There is a balance in being mature and responsible. I do work, I have fun. If I delay work, I don't have fun.
This is it.
I've reached another key to my time orientation problem. I am placing importance on fun, and in so doing, I delay work and compromise true enjoyment. If I just got my responsibilities done first and foremost, I can have fun and balance the equation within. I've been balanced, I suppose balance may very well be inevitable, except I'm not really enjoying myself in this game catch -up during the last minute.
The other side of the coin is captured in this self-definition created around 10 years go: "I procrastinate my work, but I am not a life procrastinator." Essentially telling myself and several others that I do what I can to get ahead in life so I'm successful and can avoid the struggle I associate with not planning.
So, there are a few things going on here, and it all relates back to the question: "What are you going to do with your next 5 minutes?" I've been ignoring the importance of my next 5 minutes, and allowing it because I oriented myself to a more long term perspective of making sure that I would be on track within my life. So as long as I knew where I was going in the long term, I only took care of daily responsibilities when I had to, to ensure that my long-term was stable.
That's how I could live with my delay: Through the mental conception of being ahead in life...and one of the determining points of reference for this self-assessment, was of course others. As long as my vision for the future of my life was looking better than others, I was happy, and I rested easy.
Being sober from alcohol for over a year, I've externalized this concept onto people who did get drunk, thinking that they can live with themselves and fuck up their nights, because they allow it because their long-term is on track. It seemed semi-reasonable, and I believed it possible to still be successful and get wasted, as long as the long-term was in check. I didn't let myself realize that I was compromising myself in the same way without alcohol.
Externalization, projection: it can all be brought back to self, and for this perspective I am eternally grateful.
So recap of today's perspective:
- Time is relative to perspective
- Getting ahead in life, permits delay of the moment (NOT)
- Having fun before work is only a good idea within effective planning.
- Postponing work, unplanned, produces unpleasant outcome in retrospect, nearly every time.
So my goal within all of this, is to figure out why I still exist within delay (one major reason being, justified future/long-term plan), so that my 5 minute plan is responsible in producing an effect that is best for me and all. Simple.
Tomorrow I will continue with a concise version of the points from today followed by specific self-forgiveness.
I leave you with the question(s): How will you spend you next 5 minutes? hour? day? week? month? year? minute? :)
Afterthought
It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty.
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