Day 280 - Why I Write

Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing?

These are valuable questions I should ask myself before I begin a post. Why? By answering these questions, I am solidifying my intention and writing objective with affirming the purpose. This is important because if I am not writing for my own sake, I am wasting my time.

When I was writing papers in school, I didn't ask these questions, which was partially why I experiences so much resistance and procrastinated until it was imperceptive that I at least get something written down. I were to answer these questions then, the answer would most likely be "rushed" and "desperate." Since that's all I've really known to be within my writing, I have been struggling a bit in learning how to write for myself. When I am writing for me, I want to be confident that I am effectively achieving my best work, something that I wasn't very concerned about when my writing reason was to just get a passing grade.

To answer these questions now: I am writing here to best support myself in understanding who I've become for the purpose of taking responsibility for my life experience within and without. My experience of myself while I write should be focused and stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my journey to life writing because I placed more value on needing to get one post a day finished, not realizing that by externalizing my writing reason, I have stolen my opportunity to most effectively support myself within a stable, focused starting point.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize how my starting point determines the direction and quality of my self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay writing in any moment by forgetting/suppressing my reasons for writing just long enough to initiate a distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself when I am writing, not realizing how the instability dilutes the quality of my writing support and unnecessarily increases the time it takes to finish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inconsistent in my approach to writing, making it harder to realize why I write and thus make it a better point of self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse writing to achieve status as an external motivation, not realizing how I'm compromising myself by not writing for me alone.

When and as I see myself writing for an external point, such as time and/or the judgments of others, I stop I breathe. Really though. I breathe. I realize that the purpose of my writing is essential when considering how to best support myself through writing. I commit myself to be clear within myself as I continue writing on a single focus point.

When and as I see myself delaying my writing process while I've already begun, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have experienced some form of resistance within my writing that lead me astray. I commit myself to bring myself back to my writing within a clarified writing objective/reason.

I realize I am here writing for me. This is how I am effective in achieving my purpose of self-support through writing. Dilution of why I write must be promptly investigated. Here, I walk this writing process to ultimately realize myself as life, one and equal within this entire physical existence, and take responsibility for what I have become and direct myself in alignment of what is best for all.

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

How am I directing myself today? I am directing myself to write on self-direction and write Self-forgiveness on what I find today and found yesterday.

How have I been directing myself today? There multiple moments of self-direction. So how can I effectively address this question? Bullet List!

• The moments where I was directing myself
• Study DIP material
• time pressure within it
• The moments when I was just going with the flow
• Went for McDonalds breakfast
• craving something delicious
• reason to ride my bike
• Helping out around the house / yard work
• earning my keep; obvious priority
• Little time distractions

So what's going on here? What patterns can I hone in on and focus on? It's interesting how the only moments where I am pushing myself to be a director of myself is when the time pressure point is present. Other than that, I am functioning within obligation and desire / resistance to be self-responsible. Within that, I recognize that I am creating an illusion that I have nothing pressing, by ignoring all that I could be doing. This is the primary point of self-sabotage within the design of procrastination.

Now that I'm seeing how much goes into my procrastination system, I will patiently move through the layers. First to recap my understanding: I procrastinate because I neglect work that I could do that is not forced upon me either by others or my own externally positioned decision. It will be a process to bring myself back to the here moment where I simply work for me without an external motivation. I look forward to breaking this system down and rebuilding myself as a self-responsible productivity man man man!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as according to achievement of externally imposed missions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal motivation ONLY according to desire and positive feeling experiences, not realizing how I am limiting myself and compromising my responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can accomplish my journey to life within a particular time frame such that I create a feeling of rushedness and desire to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to move fast will ultimately slow me down because without a stable starting point, I will not create stability.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to practice becoming stable within myself when and as I direct myself within accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my past track record of moment to moment awareness and responsibility into mind and use it as an elusive and vague excuse to not remember my breath.

When and as I see myself waiting for an external point of motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am holding myself back from achieving success for myself in every moment that I choose the desirable distraction over self-responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for each moment that I choose to delay what I could be doing. In this, I commit myself to investigate why I gave into a particular distraction program within delay.

I realize that delay / procrastination is an umbrella system, not to be decoded with one fell swoop. Same with my nail biting habit. It's not the habit itself that needs to be addressed. It's the internally structured, energetic experience pattern behind it that I need to hone in on and take responsibility for stopping. I keep delaying that point because the anxiety system seems bigger than me....crazy. I need to get back to that, soon.

When and as I see myself wanting to move fast through a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a significant difference between desire to accomplish more faster, and a stable application of myself that is effective, consistent and reliable. I commit myself to the restructuring of my internal motivation sources, slowly, and first by deconstructing the existing self-interest that really isn't serving what's BEST for me. What is best for me is also best for all.

When and as I see myself moving from a point of instability with regards to being productive or doing hard work, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not practicing a sustainable solution. I commit myself to stop looking at the keys on my keyboard so that I will ultimately type faster than if I keep cheating by looking, for example. I'll post more on this point as well. So many points. Point, point, point.

I commit myself to really be serious about understanding what is going on inside of me when I abdicate self-responsibility. What system is at play? When did I start doing this? Regret? Shame? Doubt? I commit myself to keep digging. No excuses for not taking responsibility for myself. Investigate.

picture credit

Day 210 - Shifting Motivation Source

I'm beginning to realize more the extent to which I've been relying on time pressure to get stuff done. This whole delay system fuses and takes over when I am not directing myself. I've started by writing and working with mostly the outside layers, that which is readily apparent. I yearn to dig deeper but have been reluctant primarily because I don't think I have the capability to completely uproot and disintegrate some of these more deeply ingrained patterns. It's an illusion.

In reality, I have the tools and the knowledge required to work with myself, investigate myself, find and release the personality patterns that do not support me and what is best for all. Yesterday, I went a little deeper into this overwhelmingness factor that stops me from digging because there is too much to dig. Another illusion. The only way to clear the giant pile is with one spade full at a time. So, this form of resistance is actually manifesting the underlying fear: that I won't be able to do it. I'm effectively rendering myself ineffective through allowing this fear to move my body to put down the shovel and think "too much."

Today, I want to apply this dynamic to really shifting my motive, my focus within this process of self investigation. Apathy has taken hold, just a little bit, but that's apparently enough to have me place this process in a similar position as I did with school work. Something to dread and delay until the last minute, where I would then be forced to produce work.  So my motivation has been determined by time. Why?

I've lightly discovered that it has to do with an externalization of reward. When my work is clearly benefiting me, I have no motivation issues. I really enjoy getting ahead of the life game. Interesting.

So, here I am. A new, shiny Destonian, pushing through resistance and writing about who I am. I'll admit to writing (quite a bit, actually) about who I'd like to be. And in this, I've essentially been rushing to get to the end result of self-change. There is an anxious thing going on here. And this anxiety, this haste, this desire to B-line it to the end, it's not effective. I am manifesting failure and then allowing that to amplify my fear of failure = discouragement. All illusion.

So what's the bottom line here? I've got an externalized source of motivation problem. I must bring it back to self. When I'm doing something for me: boom, bam, presto, done...er, well, the first thought that came to mind as I typed "boom, bam presto, done," was a flash image of another giving praise to me for having completed my work well. So, I guess I've even convoluted my internal motivation. And look here: I've been walking process for myself, and also I have misplaced my motivation within that, thinking that this blog is a necessary, expected piece of work. So there's a flipply-flop going on here, and I need to sort this erroneous perceptive out because it's affecting my process progress.

cc

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define "doing work for me" as that which yields praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance and priority to another giving me praise, where in this I have been motivated to do work / self-improve only when I get praise from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within external praise moments, real and imagined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought-image of another praising my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought image of another praising my work to importance/priority, that which motivates me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalize my motivation through this thought of anticipated positive feedback/reward from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach praise to primary motivation. Wow, through this I have made many decisions. (next thought is: extent of participation, then will take patience to clear this system)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've accumulated thoughts attached to feelings that affect my decision process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this process must be walked for me alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've externalized my motivation within process. Delay -> Time -> For Others. If I am truly walking process for me, then I won't be waiting until the last minute to produce a blog post in haste, where I am not the directive principle. Ah, yes.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own directive principle within walking this process for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't walk process alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need external sources of praise to accomplish work, not realizing how my motivation is misplaced. Bring it back to self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more proactive about my self investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place process in the same relationship design as I had with school work, where I made a choice to submit to the system because I saw the benefit and that benefit was an external reason. I've always been highly passionate about the work I do for me, and I would say that I'm partially in this process for me from that perspective. I am passionate about self-improvement. So there is certainly a bad association here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Desteni I Process with any external motivation in the form of mental images of praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to work at DP and write within this JTL so that others will praise me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do DIP and my Journey to Life for me.
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When and as I see myself postponing work in general, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have the tools of self-discovery and am able to figure out why I have resistance toward the work. I commit myself to pursuing this self-investigation in relations to resistance, FOR ME.

When and as I see myself thinking/imaging some form of praise to find motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not stable as the polarity of low/no motivation arises out of sourcing motivation from others' reactions. I commit myself to learning what true self-motivation is, step by step, not getting frustrated with myself if I don't immediately become a "self-motivated god." haha

When and as I see that my motivations are wacky and/or misaligned, I stop I breathe. I realize that the thought, "I can't figure out why my motivation is missing/misplaced," is an illusion of mind in the form of resistance. I commit myself to investigating the motivation point until I am clear and stable within self-motivation.

Day 193 - Relating toward Desteni versus Self

Yesterday, I found an interesting point that I had long ago brushed aside: My relationship toward Desteni. As the material and the group of people, I have not been standing as a stable point of self within it. No.

Instead, I decided that I was in (referring to this review). I knew that pursuing this knowledge, and more importantly, the understanding of oneness and equality was the only courageous option. If I tried to ignore the group and this message, I couldn't shake the feeling of running with fear into ignorance. All the while, I had kept my distance by participating on the fringe, and mostly lurking around the forums: I'll call this my information gathering stage.

Within this stage of Destonian Development, I had most certainly created a relationship between Desteni and myself. Only now did the point resurface while further investigating my delay character. I realize that by maintaining my relationship toward the group, I placed me in separation of them, and through this separation, was creating a point of external motivation to get my process done. This was causing resistance within delay, similar to the design of delay in relation to my school work as I exposed yesterday.

Andrew's Vlog, here, helped me to understand a few things: 1. My process is really just ME doing self-discovery, and 2. I need to start Vlogging! haha. Thanks for the support Mr. Gable.

This point of bringing my process back to self, for self seems like a big one, yet it's rather quite simple. Self, living here with self, or Self in relation to what's here from the conceptual starting point of self elsewhere. By this, I mean I have created "self" in my head that relates to everything in my life. This is deeper than I originally thought. Stay focused Dan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Desteni within a knowledge & information consumption-relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how Desteni stands as a point of support for self to walk self out of the mind, for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about who I am in relation to Desteni and in relationship toward the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of myself alone, walking process for me alone, while supporting others in their lonely journey. Their 'only' journey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bigger than life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be bigger than life, instead of realizing myself one and equal as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've created relationships to externalized points through a process of of holding "myself" in separation of myself, where I am in my imagination and relating to the world from there.
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When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to get my process done for me alone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must by in a relationship within my mind toward a physical/external point. I commit myself to flag pointing resistance toward work to check for additional points of relationship formation where self is not the starting point for self.

When and as I see myself in my mind's eye, relating toward my physical environment, I stop I breathe. I realize that this process of realizing self as All, one and equal, will take time and with persistence, I will gradually understand my source of motivation as self with all life. I commit myself to recognizing where I am in relationships toward anything or anyone to see how I've defined myself in separation and walk my process accordingly.

When and as I see myself walking process for others first, I stop I breathe. I remember that I am only public within all of this for the benefit of others and for self through feedback; however, I am first and foremost writing self to freedom for self. This is my goal. I commit myself to purifying my relationship with Desteni so that it exists as an establishment of support for all & me, not as something greater or bigger than life in any way.

I commit myself to ending my starting point of self elsewhere, to stop relating to everything around me within my imagination. One step at a time, I investigate myself for me. Simply so.

Related articles

• Day 192 - Why the Excuses?
• Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure
• Day 166 - Got to get here quick! SF
• Day 177 - Trying to Hide
• Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others
• Day 188 - Finding My Breath

Day 192 - Why the Excuses?

"I'm so physically exhausted, I'd rather not write today."

My fingers can still move, so this is obviously an excuse. Why is there resistance? Well, at least I know that discovering why isn't more important than just pushing and willing self to write. Maybe the resistance is related to my initial excuse, as in, "I've already worked hard enough today." But, I can still do more, so in self-honesty, I'm dealing with laziness and excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to uses excuses to attempt to justify my laziness. I realize that in a moment of self-honesty, I cannot cheat myself with a selected perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself that I am being lazy within my reluctance by readily accepting any available excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the easy route and do the bare minimum. I have realized that this won't cut it in this process of self-purification. The bare minimum work ethic really has no place here. Let's open this up a bit:

pixabay

     I have become well acquainted with just doing the bare minimum in relation to school work. Why? Because that all I had to do to go unnoticed and be successful. Also, I justified this brand of work ethic through the perception that school wasn't for me, but forced upon me. When I got to college, I was able to keep this up through the perception that this system only serves as a required portal into the society of 1st world people that were accepted by other 'higher ups.' I had always been more focused on my own personally directed line of study as it was for me and more interesting. I thought that I could be in and of the system, yet rebel against it at the same time. I did this by advancing/applying my 'smarts' toward innovation, creativity, dreamy business plans, and most importantly the spiritual/unseen realm. Interesting. I think this orientation came from wanting to be the best and having failed at that in the later years of school, I was trying to get my edge, my advantage over my peers, and I went for this by studying the less studied stuff. School was too mainstream and I wasn't going to be able to break free of the constraints if I stuck with that program. So, I decided to just get by and justified this by really applying myself elsewhere of my choosing. The problem is, now that I know where and why to focus my attention, I carried over the habit of procrastination, excuses and doing the bare minimum. And now, I know why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to externalize process.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have made this process about something outside of me in/as/though the institutionalization of Desteni.

Oh boy, key realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Desteni for my choosing to walk this process. By stumbling into their videos on YouTube 3 years ago, and not being able to discredit their message without being self-dishonest, I created a decision framework where I externalized my choice to continue: I remember specifically thinking "well, I've defined myself as a truthseeker, so I don't really have a choice to stop now." And this is the departure point. Other externalize reasons such as "this needs to be done for others," somewhere allowing a disconnect where 'best for all' conceptually didn't consider me. I tried to layer over this, but I never addressed my initial externalized framework for deciding to carry forward within my relationship toward Desteni. I never actually took a moment to undo the relationship frame to Desteni. Desteni is still separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to relate to Desteni in separation of myself, not realizing that in doing so, I made my process about them and their 'noble' and 'higher' mission. In doing this I, I allowed the bare minimum framework to plug right in, as my self-directed pursuit of Truth had turned into something more.

To be continued...