Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question
How am I directing myself today? I am directing myself to write on self-direction and write Self-forgiveness on what I find today and found yesterday.
How have I been directing myself today? There multiple moments of self-direction. So how can I effectively address this question? Bullet List!
- The moments where I was directing myself
- Study DIP material
- time pressure within it
- The moments when I was just going with the flow
- Went for McDonalds breakfast
- craving something delicious
- reason to ride my bike
- Helping out around the house / yard work
- earning my keep; obvious priority
- Little time distractions
So what's going on here? What patterns can I hone in on and focus on? It's interesting how the only moments where I am pushing myself to be a director of myself is when the time pressure point is present. Other than that, I am functioning within obligation and desire / resistance to be self-responsible. Within that, I recognize that I am creating an illusion that I have nothing pressing, by ignoring all that I could be doing. This is the primary point of self-sabotage within the design of procrastination.
Now that I'm seeing how much goes into my procrastination system, I will patiently move through the layers. First to recap my understanding: I procrastinate because I neglect work that I could do that is not forced upon me either by others or my own externally positioned decision. It will be a process to bring myself back to the here moment where I simply work for me without an external motivation. I look forward to breaking this system down and rebuilding myself as a self-responsible productivity man man man!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as according to achievement of externally imposed missions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal motivation ONLY according to desire and positive feeling experiences, not realizing how I am limiting myself and compromising my responsibility to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can accomplish my journey to life within a particular time frame such that I create a feeling of rushedness and desire to move fast.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to move fast will ultimately slow me down because without a stable starting point, I will not create stability.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to practice becoming stable within myself when and as I direct myself within accomplishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my past track record of moment to moment awareness and responsibility into mind and use it as an elusive and vague excuse to not remember my breath.
When and as I see myself waiting for an external point of motivation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am holding myself back from achieving success for myself in every moment that I choose the desirable distraction over self-responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for each moment that I choose to delay what I could be doing. In this, I commit myself to investigate why I gave into a particular distraction program within delay.
I realize that delay / procrastination is an umbrella system, not to be decoded with one fell swoop. Same with my nail biting habit. It's not the habit itself that needs to be addressed. It's the internally structured, energetic experience pattern behind it that I need to hone in on and take responsibility for stopping. I keep delaying that point because the anxiety system seems bigger than me....crazy. I need to get back to that, soon.
When and as I see myself wanting to move fast through a point, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is a significant difference between desire to accomplish more faster, and a stable application of myself that is effective, consistent and reliable. I commit myself to the restructuring of my internal motivation sources, slowly, and first by deconstructing the existing self-interest that really isn't serving what's BEST for me. What is best for me is also best for all.
When and as I see myself moving from a point of instability with regards to being productive or doing hard work, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not practicing a sustainable solution. I commit myself to stop looking at the keys on my keyboard so that I will ultimately type faster than if I keep cheating by looking, for example. I'll post more on this point as well. So many points. Point, point, point.
I commit myself to really be serious about understanding what is going on inside of me when I abdicate self-responsibility. What system is at play? When did I start doing this? Regret? Shame? Doubt? I commit myself to keep digging. No excuses for not taking responsibility for myself. Investigate.
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